It has been so long since I have written though not for lack of anything happening.  In fact I have quite a lot I can share about where we are in our journey.  For starters we are officially licensed foster parents.  Woot Woot.  We are in the matching process of this whole journey where our social worker is going through the kids we are interested in and is sending out feelers for those she feels are a good fit for us.  Our first social worker accepted another position and will be leaving us so we are being transferred to someone else.  We met with her this morning to make sure we are all on the same page. Our current social worker has done a wonderful job with keeping her in the loop and at our agency they all seem to work side by side and with each other regardless and get to know each other's families. Because of this we know this is going to go pretty seamlessly. Now the only thing she wants to do a little differently is offer a little more hands on to us in the matching process which we are fine with. (I mean We love getting as much information as we can with all of this). She will update us as we get matches vs getting all the matches then going through them. We are happy with this since it will help us feel more involved. We also found out we are actually approved for 3 children of the same sex(since they have to share a room) if the match is right. While we are not specifically pursuing siblings we are very open to it. Any opportunity we have to keep siblings together would be a blessing to everyone. Time frame wise looks mostly the same...the very earliest we have anyone in home will be between April and June but if we dont find just the right match before then it can go longer. We are not in a rush for this. We would rather things take longer and find the child/children that are meant to be with us then to rush into something. 

So there we are.

The holidays were wonderful time with family and friends but we are also happy they are over.  as much fun as it was the business can wear you down a little bit.  Right now we want to enjoy the journey as our family grows and not feel anxious as we are waiting.  We just feel very at peace with everything overall.

 

I made it through yesterday, the due date of our precious little angel baby.  This month I've kept myself so busy I almost forgot what was missing.  Both my brother and this little miracle.  But I got hit with a big wave of grief on Friday and just felt every fiber of myself crying out in despair.  I know that sounds like a line from a novel or movie but I don't really know any other way to describe it.  I kept myself busy and distracted all month and it caught up to me.  This child we lost was going to be our joy in a time of sadness.  A gift in a hard time.  Now it's too empty places in my heart. (For you new readers who haven't started at the beginning: It will be 3 years on October 31st that I lost my youngest brother to whom I was really close
 to suicide).  But I know God's plans are higher than my own and as excited as I am to be where I am right now in our adoption process and as much as I know we are most definitely on the right path I know that it doesn't take away your grief or disappointment.  A loss of a baby will forever be on your mind.

But we are moving forward in love, in loss, in grief and in joy.  I will pursue those kids that God has out there waiting for me with as much gusto and passion as we did getting pregnant.

That being said tomorrow is our safety check and then we enter our very last waiting period before the matching process.  We are so excited to be at this place.  While we don't know what things will look like for us or how it will pan out we do know that His ways are so much higher than our own.  We will not be looking at others for input on who we bring into our family apart from there social workers but we will  continue to ask for prayers.

Tomorrow afternoon I will actually be flying out with little man to my family to spend the anniversary of this loss with loved ones.  It will be a time of memory laughter and love.  I am so looking forward to it.

As we get closer and closer to the end of the hoops we have to jump through(Understandable hoops I want to add) it is beginning to hit us that we will soon have our kid/kids with us forever.  Our family of 3 could become a family of 4,5 or even 6!  Neither Isaac nor I feel scared about this process but rather more determined than anything.  We do know when we get to the point we will be meeting the children we will have a much different attitude.  I know that in general is going to be awkward for everyone.

I feel so bad for these kids who constantly feel like they are required to be on their best behavior.  Who have to try to prove themselves worthy to be adopted.  I really wish I could just take them all and love them all.  I do know though that whoever comes to join our family will be perfect for us.  The missing piece of our puzzle so to speak. 

This past Tuesday we sat in front of our social worker to talk about our marriage and how things brought us here to where we are in our relationship. I have to say I could see how this topic and the questions asked could end up bringing up a lot of things you didn’t even realize was hidden in your relationship. During this process Isaac and I just realized once again after 11 years together how perfect we really are for each other and how through the years, all the hardships: Lack of work, Financial strain, Health issues, Infertility, Miscarriages, Being laid off, Job changes, Loss of loved ones....you name it. But through it all we have fallen more in love with each other. We have focused on each others strengths and making each other stronger. I was actually so proud of us and the way we were able to answer the questions in 100% honesty without fear of offending each other or making each other mad.

Going on this unknown and new adventure is going to be both scary and exciting. We are going to have our ups and our downs but we will go through it all and become even closer. I feel beyond blessed to have this man by my side.

That being said we were told today that we will begin the matching process sometime in January. Between now and then they will be writing up our home study profile: This is what the children’s social workers will read on us to give them not only their first impressions of us but also an idea into who we are and how we would match up with their kids we want to pursue. With this information they are able to have a general idea on if they are willing to let us pursue the children under their care. They try to make the profiles as accurate as possible in order to allow them to really get the full scope on who we are as a couple and How we work together as a family unit. (Hence the very delving questions)

The earliest we will most likely have our new family members in home with us will probably be sometime between February-April area(there really is no way to tell for sure). For now we will continue to cherish every minute we have as a family of 3 while excitedly awaiting the new members to come.

Thank you for following us on this journey and praying with us as our family extends and grows.

I have noticed I keep feeling like I need to justify my feelings.  I need to make my feelings seem a certain way so that if anything where to happen such as:
A) We get pregnant
B) We get placed with a baby
C) We decide never to get pregnant again

I feel like I need to set myself up a certain way so that if people find out my story they will feel like Oh well she's really okay with this.  Oh Well I guess this is why etc;  But truth be told I'm coming to realize I have absolutely no reason to feel like I need to justify myself to anyone.   If one day I wake up and feel like I am willing to let myself even try to be pregnant again than so be it.  But until that day comes there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling and admitting I am not at a place I could handle that anymore.  There is nothing wrong with admitting that I have a hard time even picturing myself with a newborn anymore.

I know that God's ways are so much higher than my own and I know that if somehow somewhere down the line something happens where I end up taking in someone else's baby or having our own then I will know and be reminded of the true miracle that babies are.  But even more than that my  circumstances have shown me how much children, all children of any age, race, etc are a miracle.  They want and need to be loved and to feel wanted.

Our adoption agency recently just shared this video of some of the older children awaiting permanent homes.  They want so badly for some one to give them a shot.  Isaac and I have realized in this process that the more we get into it the older we feel willing to go.  Now being we are both only in our 30s it is hard to picture taking on a 17-21 year old but we are willing to go higher up then we originally thought we would.

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Today 10/6/2017 we had our very first home study with our social worker for adoption. I can't believe we are finally here! We knew we liked our social worker before but today we liked her even more and it was just confirmation that we are in the right place. One thing she said that really stuck out without being prompted was that she knows we have a young son at home so that anytime she begins looking for a match with us that she will start with Ezekiel. That he will take priority above everything else in: Will Ezekiel be safe with this child/children? Will they be a good sibling to him? Can they fit into a dynamic of having a younger sibling etc. Regardless of our feelings if there are any signs or reasons that there might be a red flag in regards to this she will say no. This put our minds at ease as we really know that this is exactly what our hearts themselves were demonstrating.

How are things looking for the future and timing? Admittedly we have no idea about our time frame on when we will have our new family member(s). Out of 300+ kids we were able to narrow it down to around 25/30 that we feel might be a good fit for our family. Our social worker armed with the information she will get as we continue on with the home studies (psychological, emotional and physical assessments on your life, relationship, past, parenting, marriage, home etc;) she will be able to tell more what we will be good at parenting and what kids will click right into our family. She will also be able to tell what trauma or behavioral areas we might be better at helping kids through. That being said I feel like I should share it again: Our children's backgrounds will be theirs. As much as we love our friends and will need support we will also be respecting the background of our kids and only sharing what we feel is appropriate to others. We ask that you respect this.

Once our home studies are complete and matches are made we will meet with social workers of the children who will also interview us and decide if we are a good match for their kids. If they feel we are(depending on the age of the child) they will get a chance to read our family profile the social worker will talk to them about us and if they feel like they want to meet us(or if the social worker feels we are a good fit) then Isaac and I (without Ezekiel) will meet the kids one on one as many times as needed to find out if we all fit together. During these visits they talk to the kids after to find out if they feel as well they would like to be with us or not. The frequency and amount of these one on one visits will vary with every child as will permanent placement timing.

What would we like prayer for?

~Continued prayer that our children are kept safe and able to continue to heal even now before they come to join our family.

~ Prayers and wisdom for the social workers as they begin this matching process and home study assessments for us.

~That we will continue to enjoy the journey. So far we have just been cherishing every moment we can as a family of 3 as that changes and do not want to rush into everything. We have so much peace about the current time frame that everything has been on and just want to continue to remain on that time frame.

This week we will begin our home studies and be one step closer to bringing our children home.  I did realize something however as we begin talking and imagining who will be placed with us.  We both are completely open to any age up when it comes down to it.  It is such an exciting part of this whole program.  A huge step towards our final goal.

This also though opened my eyes once again (I feel like I'm saying that a lot) that if by some chance they called and said they had a placement for us with an infant included we would very seriously consider it.  This in itself shows me it isn't that I don't want a newborn or baby or child of a certain age it is more that I don't trust my body to get myself to that point. 

It's so hard not to think about every one of those kids that could be joining your family and wondering how things are going to be playing out.  Regardless of where we go it will end up being a huge change but one that is worth every second of it.  

Next month my prescription for the clomid will no longer be valid.  I remember thinking most likely I was going to fill it and keep it on hand for when I am ready to have another child.  I had really believed that I would get to a point where I would be willing to try again in the future.  But truth be told the further we get from loosing our children and with Ezekiel growing up the less I seem to want it.  The thoughts of asking Isaac to get a vasectomy have even come to my mind.  I know this is extreme.  I know I'm feeling the way I am due to a couple reasons one being that I really don't feel like I could handle another miscarriage and the second being that honestly: new borns are a lot of work.  I feel selfish for feeling this way as I truly know that all babies are blessings but I also just feel it is not for me anymore.  I'm ready to let go and move on and towards our future. 

Then I am reminded how young we both really are though we don't feel it.  But I know that God really has blessed us with an amazing baby boy and we are about to be blessed with more children.  I know that if He were to bless us with another pregnancy and if it was complication free I would feel beyond blessed.  But at the same time I also already feel that way.  I feel like even on here my mind is going in circles.

But As I said that I am ready to let go.  I am not renewing my script for clomid and feel very strong in this decision.  If I ever do decide no more birth control then it will be at a time when I am willing to just not try but also not prevent.  Beyond that though I just don't have any desire at all to actively pursue getting pregnant.  As I have said though in my other posts that especially now knowing that it would cause the adoption to be put on hold we are just not ready or willing for that to happen. 

I guess that is really what I have wanted to share.  I see it almost like another confirmation that we are on the right track.  I'm not running to have it filled nor having second thoughts about it.  I will continue to press forward in this.

We are also approaching yet another year when we lost Nathan.  I told Isaac I want to take the day off and have us all just go out to eat together and take time as a family to just cherish each other.  So that is what I plan to do.  I miss him so much.  I'm saddened over and over again by the fact I will never get to talk to him face to face.  He will never meet my son.  I miss that laugh and the sarcastic sense of humor.  I wish I could hug him one more time.  

The past few days have been extremely insightful for me.  I wont say that this is where I will be forever but with where we are right this moment I feel like I had another confirmation on what I feel we are supposed to do right now in regards to a family.

We met another amazing couple who lives just a few miles down the road from us and are going along this same journey too.  They are also with the same agency we are with and overall have a very similar journey to us.  But they found out they are expecting a miracle baby and are 12 weeks along.  That being said neither of us had any idea but our agency has a policy that if you become pregnant they want you to wait till the baby is 6 months old before you continue into the matching process.  This is to ensure that the children are able to get your attention and to allow you to rest and be able to give all you can to the children coming into your home.

When she shared this with me I immediatly began to stress.  And I mean the thought of even being pregnant scared me.  What if we had timed sex wrong.  What if we got our miracle baby and then ended up having to put things on hold to be able to adopt.  All these thoughts and emotions coming to mind.  It made me realize that I really know this is what God wants us to do right now and I just need to trust in Him.  If for some reason I ended up getting pregnant that in and of itself would be a miracle so I will know that He is in control.  But when my period did come I felt such relief that I know we need to prevent every time until we are placed with our children.  Adoption is my heart right now.  I keep seeing older children out in public and I can't help but smile and begin talking with Isaac or whomever I am with about having them enter our home.  Things we can do.  Traditions we can start. 

Then today at Church my friend was there with her amazingly adorable 4 week old and she began talking about how she isn't getting any sleep and How she is exhausted and I just remembered how hard it really is with a newborn.  How it really is so worth it but at the same time so much more work then my little explorer who is out in the world.  But then I thought of the baby snuggles.  Of the amazement of watching them grow learn and letting their personalities come out.  I'm not ready and definitely do not want to be pregnant right now.  I want to adopt my older children and as many as I can.  But maybe I will feel differently one day.  But until then I will embrace where I am.  I will love others where they are.  I will follow the path God calls me to.