I'm where I have never been before

You hear a baby screaming, some people roll there eyes.  Others make comments on if noly the parents could get them to shut up.  Inside you ache.  You ache because all you want is to take up that little one and hold them close and be able to sooth them.  A commercial comes on tv showing sleep deprived parents who are so lost on what to do with their screaming child.....

But you would do anything to have that kind of cry or scream in your home no matter how frustrating it might be to others.   All you want to do is be in that situation.  To hold those screaming children close and soothe them yourself.

When you hear others complain about their kids, their pregnancy or the frustrations that come with it you know that you would do anything to be in their place.  All you want is to so badly be able to be there.

I've started having some slight fears.  I'm now 7 days past ovulation, a point I have never made.  I normally only have a 3 day luteal phase, the longest I've ever had was 5 days but even then I was spotting on days 4 and 5.  So I'm starting to get nervous....what if my period tries to come.  What if the medication doesn't hold off my period.  I don't think it helped that my temperature had a slight drop today.  But I also know that God has not given me the spirit of fear:  For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. 2 Timothy 1:7  I also know I have to trust that the Dr's know what they are doing.  I've been having slight cramps this morning.  And yesterday I was having ovary twinges again.  So this probably isn't helping the scary thoughts from entering.  

But I guess I need to take the small victories as they come.  At least I have made it to 7 days past ovulation.  At least I have gotten somewhere I have never gotten before so far.   I am so excited that I have gotten to this point and I will continue to think positively and every day will be a newer bigger victory. 

My sister is getting into town tonight so I will have a blast hanging out with her and it will make the two week wait go by quickly.   

Here is my chart for today so far: 

The waterfall of Emotions

This morning I woke up and knew I needed some deep meditation today.  I can't allow myself to feel today like I felt all day yesterday.  Every person I saw who smiled, every laugh and every story were like nails on a chalk board to me.  But I don't know why.  I'm not miserable.  In my own life I'm excited about possibly having a chance this month.  My sister comes into town in just 2 days and I have time off to spend with her.  I have a lot to be happy about.  So what is it?  Whatever it is it's not okay.

It's so easy when on this journey to let just one little thing trickle into something bigger.  Almost like a single rain drop falling into a stream whether you notice the immediate change or not adds more water.  So so many little things that work together can seem to work against you.

I don't want to allow emotions to control me or control how I react.  Emotions are just that: feelings.  It doesn't mean I can not feel them.  In fact I don't think anyone can actually control the way they feel, only how they react to the feeling.  I think we can push it aside and ignore the feelings we are uncomfortable with or unhappy with.  But either way it doesn't make them disappear.

Yesterday and today I took home pregnancy tests.  I learned that you can actually test every day and watch the trigger disappear from your system so that when the time comes to actually test you know if you have a legit positive or not. So both days I have a extremely tiny line in the positive but it doesn't show up till the test is past the time frame and it looks like and evaporation line.  So I'll test one more time tomorrow and if its still just as light I'll know that come around the 21st I'll be able to do an actual pregnancy test and get accurate results.  Which makes me happy since I would rather know then have it confirmed than question it. 

God open my eyes to know when I'm just being ridiculous with my emotions.  Help me in everything that I do to reflect how you would act in that situation.  I know that with this entire journey it gets so hard to be that reflection.  You feel worn down from emotions angry at the injustice and even angry at God for putting you through this.  I want to badly to light the way to others in His direction.  I keep thinking of Psalm 23.

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

² He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
³ He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
⁴ Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
⁵ Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
⁶ Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

I know I've talked about the relevance of each of those verses in past posts but sometimes you need to hear things again.  He leads me beside still waters.  He will restore my soul.  When I feel like I just can not take it anymore(which I often do).  He takes me through the valley where every trial imaginable can be yet He leads me through it.  I don't have to be afraid.  No door that He has opened can be closed.  

I just need to meditate on this.  

Holy Mother of Mood Swings

So I felt some huge mood swings when I first started the thyroid medication and then things just evened themselves out.  Well they are back in full force.  I'm guessing from the progesterone supplements.  I just felt angry all day. 

It can be just the littlest things to get me going.  I was pulling into the work parking lot and was pulling into a spot only to discover that another car parked over the line so I wasn't going to be able to use the spot.  So I had to find a different one.  Something so stupid but man did it start the day off on a bad note.  From then on every little thing was like nails on a chalkboard.  I work with the public I have to talk and dote on my clients the entire tiem they are in the chair, but all I wanted to do for most of them today was tell them to shut up!  And that is definitely not me. 

I was just so aggravated at work.  But I knew I was being ridiculous but I still couldn't help it.  I'm praying so badly that I will get adjusted to this and not feel this way the entire time I'm on it.   If I am pregnant the Dr wants me on the progesterone for a full 3 months after.  So if I feel like this with just the progesterone man the pregnancy hormones added to that will be awful! 

It's so easy to allow my emotions to control me.  Help me Lord to keep myself together.  I want your joy.  I want your peace.  I want to be able to help the people in my life and who I come into contact with every day and love them like you would.  I want to help them succeed.  Help me Lord.  I can not do this on my own.  I'm so miserable and cranky.  I'm feeling worn out.  I've begun thinking the what ifs I'm not pregnant and I have to go through all this again.  What if's are so awful and all I want is to live my life to full enjoyment.  Help me to follow your leading.  You will open up the doors for me to walk through that you desire.  I thank you and praise you for it Lord.  ~Amen

What Ifs

What ifs.....Oh how I hate the what ifs.  Part of me wants so badly to pull back out that blanket I had started knitting and begin working on it again.  But then the what ifs begin to come to mind.  I remember how it had begun to feel like a burden instead of a release.  It had begun to feel as a constant reminder that I was not having a baby.  That once again things failed. 

But for now I have peace and hope.  I am so incredibly excited for the possibility of holding a baby in my arms in just 40 weeks.  But then I remember the constant devastation that had taken place in the past.  What ifs begin to surface.  What if though everything was timed just right we still don't get pregnant.  After all it takes people months to be able to get pregnant even when they do have treatment cycles. 

But then I argue the logic that if God opened this door for us would He really just open it only to close the door in our faces?  But I know His will is going to be done either way.  And if I do not get pregnant this cycle....like every other cycle I will simply pick myself up and continue on my way.  I will go forward because I must go forward. 

So I'm not sure what will take place in the future but I do know that I'm excited and nervous all at the same time.  Now to stay busy for the next few weeks until I can test. 

Looks like I have a chance!

So looks like I ovulated!  Hurray!  I'm so excited and relieved at the same time since I was worried if I had to start the progesterone first before I was able to see the ovulation jump myself I wouldn't know for sure if I ovulated!  But looks like i did. 

I have a lot of peace and am so excited to see what happens at the end of this two week wait.  But then again that is how I feel today.  Not sure I will feel the same tomorrow.  I do have to say I am really lucky that my sister will becoming into town during this first week it will help things go by so much faster. 

As of now I am so excited I can't even think of the what ifs I'm not pregnant.  The very fact that I ovulated at a normal time for the first time in my life just astounds me.

So all in all Id say I'm just feeling really excited and happy.  I haven't really had any side effects of the trigger shot except being really tired but I can't really say if that's just from how busy I've been or the medication. 

I will take it.

So for now I'll say goodnight and I hope to have good news soon!

Triggering Today

So tonight I will be giving myself the trigger shot.  But my body has continued to show its own signs of ovulation so I'm believing that my little egg did actually continue to grow. So I'm really really excited yet slightly nervous at the same time.  I am trying to stay positive and optimistic yet realistic at the same time.  If I do get pregnant this month I will be overjoyed!  But I'm trying to not allow myself to think about that too much.

Today I looked back on some of my old posts and realize how much it has taken for us to finally get to this point.  So many roadblocks.  So many different emotions and frustrations.  I am so blessed to be here today.  I know that tomorrow I may feel discouraged or defeated but for today I will dance in victory.  I will dance knowing that:
1)I will actually have a normal Luteal Phase for the first time in my life
2) I most likely have an egg that will be released in optimal timing.
3)I only have to wait 2.5 weeks to know if it worked.  

Wow just thinking of that last one makes my heart leap to my throat in anticipation.  Part of me is scared but mostly just so excited.

I'm hoping I don't have a ton of side effects from the trigger shot.  I didn't have much with the Femara so maybe that's a good thing.

This morning we had our first "timed intercourse".  It was actually so awkward with all of my visitors in the house.  But we figured out a way to be sneaky...at least I hope we did.  I didn't get any strange looks at the breakfast table so I'm thinking it worked hahaha.  So we actually got up at 5:30 this morning to do it while everyone was sleeping....at least everyone should have still been sleeping.  And we will do the same thing again tomorrow morning.  

I hope these next few weeks fly by though my sister comes into town next weekend to visit so I have a lot to look forward to in my "2 week wait".

So keep your fingers crossed for me readers!

Feeling Hopeful

So tomorrow I will be taking my trigger shot.  I'm thinking that the medication did kick in and things are moving forward as they should.  I'm actually feeling hopeful.  I have confidence that things will be working out as they were suppose to.  I actually started having signs of ovulation on my own today.   Though still very negative Ovulation tests, but apparently that's pretty normal with the Femara. 

So the trigger will just make sure it all happens together.  I'm super excited!