Trusting

I woke up this morning to some more spotting.  I took another pregnancy test and it is darker than yesterday's and definitely positive.  At this point I am just believing and trusting that God is in control. 

I am Pregnant.  There is no question about that.  

I really can't believe how much peace I have right now.  I still don't understand what is going on, my body is not doing what normally happens when someone gets pregnant.  But I will trust that God has it all in His hands.  There is nothing I can do that will keep this pregnancy.  It is all in God's hands.  So I will rest under the shadow of His wings and just try and stay sane.  But enjoy the journey as it takes place. 

I have to say I love seeing those beautiful pink lines this morning.

My God is bigger.....

He is bigger than anything my body could throw at it.  He's bigger than my own expectations and plans.   He is always faithful and always there.  After I posted my last post I just had this feeling that I needed to take a pregnancy test and within two minutes it was positive! 

I just can not believe it!  Just yesterday I swear I thought my period was here!  I just don't even have words. 

Immediately the fears tried to start coming into my mind of what ifs what happened last time is happening since I was bleeding yesterday.   But it was like a blanket of peace just settled over me.  this pregnancy is not that pregnancy.  My God is so faithful and nothing can happen without His okay.  So I will take it and enjoy it and love it while I have it.   When the fears sneak in I will allow myself to be surrounded by His peace.

I am only 10 days past ovulation and already the tests(I've taken two) are darker than they were last time when I was at 12 dpo. 

I feel so excited!  I go in next Thursday for my blood pregnancy test.  At this point I'm just so happy I have all those wondafo pregnancy tests(I bought 50 for $20) so I can test it up the next few days. 

I just feel so full of peace and joy.  It's so different from last time.  I know that God is in control and that He will cause it all to work out exactly as it should.  I just want to rest in that.  I will believe that this will carry to the very end.  In 9 months I will be holding my precious baby.

Because my God is so faithful and so much bigger than my mind could ever comprehend.  

Waking with Peace

Today I woke up with just so much peace.  I asked God for peace and joy and it seems He is granting that request though a little slowly.  I really feel and know I am sheltered under the shadow of His wings.

Today I went to the adoption website we are thinking about using and just looked over the birth mother profiles.  And then decided to read some of the testimonies and see pictures of the beautiful babies that have been placed in new homes and all fear was just lifted from me.  As I was looking at those precious faces the yearning in my heart just grew.  It will be so amazing to be able to bless one of those beautiful little ones with a home that can love and provide for them.  They will be loved and taken care of exactly as if they are our own.  No ifs, ands or buts about it.

I spoke to the nurse at the Fertility Office this morning.  She had listened to the message and called me back.  She isn't sure why the Dr would be having me stay on the progesterone if I've been having heavy bleeding off and on.  So now I just will wait to hear back from her after she talks to the Dr.  The spotting is continued just a lot lighter than it was.  So for now I just have to wait and see what's going on. 

Resigned

Today I have just felt surrounded in a dismal stormy cloud.  It was so hard to break through.  I kept getting fits where all I wanted to do was cry.  I just felt lost.  I still do.  I feel like I'm looking at my life and this situation and all I want to do is cry out to God, curse life and it's hardships, curse my flesh that gives into these emotions.

It was so hard to keep that fake smile plastered to my face all day as I talked with my clients.  It really goes to show you never know what someone is going through.  

It's hard to resign myself to the thought that if this new medication doesn't work then there goes my chance of any more fertility treatments.  I won't say that I will not ever get pregnant because I do not believe that.  I still believe the report of God that it will happen but it will take a miracle to get me there.  It's hard to believe and hope for those positive things when all you can see is the dark gray stormy clouds.

I kept having the scripture from John 12:24 coming into my mind today:

I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat is planted in the soil and dies, it remains alone. But its death will produce many new kernels--a plentiful harvest of new lives.

That Kernel of wheat in a way is my dream to motherhood.  My dream of experiencing the joys of pregnancy.  I used to always say with a smile on my face we will just adopt and it was so easy but now I'm afraid this journey is trying to even rob that joy from me.  I want to adopt, I've always wanted to adopt yet I didn't want it to be an alternative for us or a fall back plan.  I wanted our child to feel 100% loved and accepted and chosen not out of desperation for having a family but out of love.  That is why I always wanted to have our own first and then add to it through adoption.  I know that the act of adoption itself does show the child that they are loved.  I just keep having these random thoughts that don't make much sense running through my mind.

I want the joy of the Lord back even in the midst of this.  I don't want these next three months to be a countdown of misery.  I want to make the most of every situation.

Right now I just don't know how.  I know that He sees it all.  And His plans are always so much bigger than my own.  So for now I will try to rest in that and remember that we are exactly where God wants that to be...even if it's not where I want us to be. 

On the physical note:
My spotting got heavier today to a point I felt I was in full flow(heavy bleeding with clots) but then it broke down to just spotting again.  So I now know it is definitely my period trying to break through.  I called the nurse line to see if I can go ahead and just stop the progesterone then since this on and off heavy bleeding is going beyond spotting and I feel its going to make it hard to pinpoint when my actual cycle day 1 should be.  So right now I'm just waiting for the call back.  I didn't take the progesterone tonight since I'm still bleeding off and on and feel it's pointless...but I did take my dose this morning.  So we will see what they say. 


God you see my heart.  You see the brokenness and frustrations.  You see my desperation.  God you are a God of miracles and I chose to believe the report of the Lord.  I have seen miracles performed and I know they exist and so I ask God, I beg and plead give me a miracle! 

Only a few more chances

I had a Drs appointment today to discuss where we need to go/do because currently the medication they gave me(progesterone) that is supposed to keep my period from coming after ovulation is just not working.  At 7 days past ovulation I started bleeding and Aunt Flow seems to be trying to make her way in. 

We decided if my period does come then next cycle we will change it up.  We will keep with the dosage of Femara(the alternative to Clomid) only we will need to change the days I take it to force ovulation earlier cause even with the medication this cycle I still didn't ovulate till cycle day 17-19 which is too late for me with my short luteal phase.

Then after ovulation we will be switching my progesterone to progesterone and oil shots-this is what they typically will use with ivf ...since my body is not responding to the progesterone I'm on now as it should.

We also talked about the next steps....they will only allow me to do 3 more treatment cycles(6 in total) before IVF becomes my only option.  We discussed the possibility of doing iui's(inter uterine insemination) but Isaacs count is high enough she doesn't think that will actually bump our chances up very much only 1-3% at most. 

So we had prayed and asked for answers on how long we should continue this path and it seems that answer is made up for us.  I don't know how I feel about IVF it is so much money for just a chance that you might get pregnant when we could just head towards adoption like we wanted.  I had always said no absolutely not but the closer I get to that being the only option the more my stance on that waves.......Its scary to know that an end might be in sight.  One way or another a close to this chapter in our lives will be happening by January and that just breaks my heart, relieves me and angers me all in one go.

I know I don't have a choice this is the journey I am forced to walk and I will try my best to do it with a happy heart.

For now she wants me to continue on the progesterone even though I am still spotting until 14 days past ovulation or I get full flow.   I kind of feel like that is just postponing the inevitable but I'm grateful at the same time to since it will give me a  little more time before our final treatment cycles begin.

So frustrated!

I'm only 7 days past ovulation and I'm only on cycle day 23 and I'm having spotting with heavy clots!  I have been having bad cramps the past few days so I know it has to be my period trying to come.  I'm so frustrated!  Even with the medication I can not seem to get myself to have a normal cycle that will actually give me a chance at pregnancy. 

I meet with the Dr tomorrow to discuss where we go next and to get on the same page I plan on printing her out all my medicated charts so she can see how my next flow always starts way too early regardless of the medication I'm on.  So whether I need a higher dose or just another medication I don't know.  But I will find out tomorrow.

I'm trying so hard to keep positive.  To know and believe that God has everything in His control.  But I'm so incredibly frustrated.  I just want to cry.  I hope I feel better tomorrow when I meet with the Dr.

Why is this so hard.  Why can't my body just do what it's supposed to when it's supposed to.  7 days after ovulating and a week early for my period is just ridiculous.  I want to scream and throw a temper tantrum but I know this wont do any good. 

I keep thinking back to when I got pregnant.  I was on vacation relaxing, laying around all day pretty much doing nothing but swimming and eating.  Is that what it takes?  What if my job(being on my feet all day and constantly moving) could be preventing me from getting pregnant.  I know it's not the reason but I feel like I need something or someone to blame.  I just want to be a Mom.  I want to experience the joys of carrying a baby. 

Again I am reminded how broken I am.  How lost I feel.   I hope tomorrow I'll get some answers that will guide my path.  

My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise. Psalm 51:17

Thank you Lord that I can come to you with honesty.  I can come to you and pour out my heart.  God I am so sick and tired of this journey.  I'm tired of being poked and prodded like an animal in order to move forward.  I'm tired of feeling like Isaac and I are missing out.  God, yes he is enough for me and children are just an added blessing to that mix.  But I want to be able to experience that now!  God I want so badly to be able to see that you remember us.  I feel my chemical pregnancy was just a false hope now.  An inkling of hey here you are, nope just kidding.  God guide us in the direction you want us to go but I ask that you would help my heart to be okay with the direction you send me in.  I may not like this path you have called me to but I want to make the most of it while I'm here.  Guide me Lord I pray.  ~Amen~

Emotional

I had a great day today but for some reason I just got really emotional.  It's been over a month since my chemical pregnancy and I've been able to talk about it to people without a problem.  But tonight when I told one of my friends who knows we are doing fertility treatments about it I just started crying.  I feel okay, I have grieved and I have healed but I guess it wont ever completely go away.  It amazes me how something like this can devastate so badly.  I wasn't pregnant for weeks, I didn't get to hear a heartbeat but it has become a part of me.  I'm in the percentage of those who have loved and lost.

I will not let this beat me though.  I feel relief in the thought that at least I know we can get pregnant.  I know that it will happen in God's timing. 

So far this cycle things are looking really promising.  I did ovulate, and hoping that both eggs were released since I had the two follicles growing neck and neck(one at 12 ml and one at 11 on cd 12)  So both should have grown and released around the same time.  I got two days worth of positive ovulation tests.  I know I posted my one positive on my last post but the next day I got an even stronger positive.  I've never had that before ever so I'm praying that's a good sign.  Actually on my previous Femara cycles I didn't get a + ovulation test at all even though on cycle day 12 I had one that was already ready to go measuring at 18.  So now I am officially in the two week wait and I just want to keep myself busy but positive.