Home Again

It feels so good to be home again and getting somewhat back into a routine.  I loved seeing my family but I think getting back to work and focusing on the baby will help me move forward.

That being said thankfully no more bleeding at all since Tuesday just a lot of thick white cervical mucus so I'm taking that as a good sign.  Isaac and I had the day off together today and we will have the day off together tomorrow.  Then we both head back to work on Monday.

How am I doing?  Well honestly that depends on the topic.  We started talking about baby themes for the nursery and love the ideas:  For a boy Calvin and Hobbes theme and I'll paint a mural kind of like this:

Maybe done a little different.  And if it's a girl I think I want to do a Alice in Wonderland theme.  Though Isaac isn't 100% sold yet but he likes the idea it would just depend on execution.  But I'd like to have it with all the strange wonderful creatures that live within.  Haven't found anything picture wise I really like but I'd paint  a mixture of different creatures:

I think at this point I'm at a place where when I talk about this stuff I'm great.  I can almost hold it mostly together.  But I can feel the emotions still waring within me.  Don't think I'm holding it in, I've cried more than I've ever cried in my life.  I don't think I have many more tears to be able to cry.  But I literally feel like a piece of me is missing.  I don't know that that will ever go away honestly.  I think it will get easier.  But I don't know that it will ever disappear, to be honest I don't know that I'd want it too, he means too much to me for it to go away.

I think getting back to work will be really good.  It will be hard don't get me wrong but so good at the same time.  I think I may just go ahead and start letting my clients know that I am expecting since I will be 9 weeks on Monday.  And it will give us something happy to talk about.  

Wow that seems so close to the second trimester....but yet even once I hit that second trimester I don't know that I will ever feel out of the woods.  Isaac and I both know that God has his hand on this little angel and that baby isn't going anywhere.  But until I'm holding that beautiful little angel in my arms I will always have those what ifs popping into my mind, I just won't give them any justification to continue to play around in my mind.  For if God is for me who or what can be against me. 

The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them. Psalm 34:7

He will love you and bless you and increase your numbers. He will bless the fruit of your womb, the crops of your land--your grain, new wine and olive oil--the calves of your herds and the lambs of your flocks in the land he swore to your ancestors to give you.
  Deuteronomy 7:13

 This is what the LORD says-- he who made you, who formed you in the womb, and who will help you: Do not be afraid, Jacob, my servant, Jeshurun, whom I have chosen.
  Isaiah 44:2

My sister bought me the book: Supernatural Childbirth by Jackie Mize and it has a lot of positive confirmations in there along with prayers to profess over yourself every day.  A reminder of His truths of conceiving and giving birth to a healthy strong and whole baby.

Today though the passage that really spoke to me was Psalm 40:

I waited patiently for the Lord;

he turned to me and heard my cry.

2He lifted me out of the slimy pit,

out of the mud and mire;

he set my feet on a rock

and gave me a firm place to stand.

3He put a new song in my mouth,

a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear the Lord

and put their trust in him.

4Blessed is the one

who trusts in the Lord,

who does not look to the proud,

to those who turn aside to false gods.^b

5Many, Lord my God,

are the wonders you have done,

the things you planned for us.

None can compare with you;

were I to speak and tell of your deeds,

they would be too many to declare.

6Sacrifice and offering you did not desire—

but my ears you have opened^c —

burnt offerings and sin offerings^d you did not require.

7Then I said, “Here I am, I have come—

it is written about me in the scroll.^e

8I desire to do your will, my God;

your law is within my heart.”

9I proclaim your saving acts in the great assembly;

I do not seal my lips, Lord,

as you know.

10I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;

I speak of your faithfulness and your saving help.

I do not conceal your love and your faithfulness

from the great assembly.

11Do not withhold your mercy from me, Lord;

may your love and faithfulness always protect me.

12For troubles without number surround me;

my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.

They are more than the hairs of my head,

and my heart fails within me.

13Be pleased to save me, Lord;

come quickly, Lord, to help me.

14May all who want to take my life

be put to shame and confusion;

may all who desire my ruin

be turned back in disgrace.

15May those who say to me, “Aha! Aha!”

be appalled at their own shame.

16But may all who seek you

rejoice and be glad in you;

may those who long for your saving help always say,

“The Lord is great!”

17But as for me, I am poor and needy;

may the Lord think of me.

You are my help and my deliverer;

you are my God, do not delay.

 

Back to the ER

Yesterday we ended up back in the ER due to me having more bleeding.  Only this time it was even heavier.  It seemed as if someone had turned on a faucet and it began to pour out along with clots(some bigger than a silver dollar).  It was so incredibly scary. 

Thankfully though this visit to the ER was much better than last time.  The Dr actually knew what she was doing.  Immediately took a Beta to see if it was higher than on Sunday(it was) then sent me to ultrasound.  The ultrasound tech had trouble getting some pictures she needed.  But in the end:long story made short mainly because I don't really want to relive the nightmare.  Everything ended up working out.  Baby is just as strong, maybe even stronger, as last time with a heart beat now of 169 beats per minute.  They said everything looks the same.

I asked then what is this?  Should I wait to come in next time, I don't even have this many clots on my period.  The nurse who I asked this question said that she works at two different hospitals and she had a young girl who had the same thing happen to her.  That she ended up coming in and out of the er for a few weeks. 

I talked to someone else who had this same thing and they said they also bled like crazy didn't for a day bled like crazy then didn't for a day then had a third day of heavy bleeding then didn't for a day.  So I guess what I'll do next time is wait an hour and see what happens.  If the bleeding continues then I will decide where I should go from there if it stops I'll call my midwives let them know and then decide on a course of action.

With everything going on in our lives right now this little baby is our source of joy.  But even this has started to become something that would be so easy to panic on.  I have peace.  Even when sitting in the ER yesterday I had peace knowing that God is in control.  But man was this scary.  I don't understand how I could be bleeding that much and have nothing be different.  But they said if the blood doesn't get absorbed back into the body then the body will flush it out.  Oh I so hope its done with its flushing. 

Today is going to be a day of fun but also taking it easy.  We are going to go on a Louisiana swamp tour with my Dad to feed alligators and let Isaac get a good look at the Louisiana swamps.  So I'll be sitting most of the day sitting and resting. 

Nightmare at the ER

I woke up at 6 am to take my progesterone only to discover heavy bleeding with some clots.  So my husband and I rushed to the ER.

What a HORRIBLE experience. 
So here is how things went down the Dr came in talked with me about what the problem was I told her...but as soon as I said fertility treatments to get pregnant she freaked out: Well this could be ectopic and if it is I wouldn't know what to do because I don't deal with this stuff...blah blah blah(yes this is the er dr) 
So then they come in to get labs...they are calling me by the wrong name..So then we have to wait for them to redo all our paperwork/bloodwork ect;   We were the only ones in the er when I got there how could you make that mistake(they had my middle name as my name)
So they give me an iv to pump up my bladder so I can do a ultrasound and a urine analysis.  Well I get down to the ultrasound tech and ask her what she sees: I'm not allowed to say anything.  You can't tell me anything?  Well there is a flutter so the heart is beating.  Okay can you tell me how fast its beating? I haven't gotten that far.  Then silence for about 15 min.  I start to tear up.....I'm so nervous she isn't telling me anything.  So then she tells me the heartbeat is 162 bpm fetus is measuring 7 weeks 4 days.  But she can't tell me anything else.
So then I get back to my room the Dr comes in and wants to do a vaginal exam she tells me to lay back she puts a bedpan under my let then proceeds to clamp the speculum DIRECTLY onto my cervix and says I can't find your cervix.  I cried out in pain as she pinched me again!...yes it hurt so bad!  So then she says okay lets scoot the bedpan back see if that works better.  I said.  How about you have me scoot to the edge of the bed and try it that way instead.   She said okay yeah lets try that.  Really?!!  So it worked she saw bleeding and some tissue well no duh when she pinched my cervix I had stopped bleeding their was blood on the speculum when she pulled it back out she literally had to have done something in there. 
So then after that she says okay I'll be back in just a few minutes I'm going to go look at your ultrasounds.  An hour and a half later(at least) she finally walks back in.  Says everything is closed in my uterus, my cervix is closed.  She doesn't know what the bleeding is from. 
So I got a script for the uti went to cvs was talking to my Mom on the phone and the pharmacist heard our conversation I hang up go to get my meds he says your not pregnant are you?  Yes I am.  You can't take this medication while pregnant.  What do you mean I was just in the hospital they gave this to me while I was there.  Oh well let me look it up....Okay yeah you can take it only when your 38-42 weeks you can't take it cause it effects fetus'.  What do you mean?  I have a fetus!  So I decided to call my midwife on call and tell them everything and while I  was waiting for her to call me back I read through the ultrasound report and I read the report(I made them print me all the reports so I can fax them to my midwife in PA)  it says I have a subchorionic hemorrhage....well um that would cause bleeding.  Why did the Dr not say that!!!   It's small thankfully 1.9x1.4 cm against the gestational sac.    So the midwife called back and said they are pretty common.  She wasn't going to lie If they get too big they can cause misscarriages but since mine is so small and my bleeding has already stopped I shouldn't be concerned.  I'll go back in to them next week and have another ultrasound done in order to see if it grew and go forward from there. Also the UTI medication is safe...but, apparently and I didn't know this I was supposed to use some kind of alcoholic wipe to wipe before I peed into the cup and I didn't they just handed me a pack said here pee in this so I opened it and peed...I'm wondering if I don't really have a uti...either way I'm going to take the medication because it is safe for the fetus and says it can be used to prevent uti's also.  

So after 6 hours with the ER dr and nurses a 15 minute conversation with the midwife gave me more info than I thought possible

Saying Goodbye

Today was a very emotional day.  I was supposed to say goodbye to my little brother.  I don't really have a lot of words to say except that I wasn't ready to let him go.  I know he is in a better place...but it still hurts so much.

Here is the video we shared at the memorial service:

Life will never be the same.  But I will do everything in my power to honor everything he asked of us:

Things I should remember and never forget:

1. 1.Love, Laugh & Learn
2. 2.People are the only things that really matter in this world.
3. 3.The more you learn, the more you teach.
4. 4.The more you give, the more you are given.
5. 5.The more you love, the more you will be loved.
6. 6.Souls are real.
7. 7.Healthy mind, healthy body, and healthy heart.
8. 8.Cherish every moment, the good and the bad.
9. 9.Everything happens for a reason.
10. 10.I was put on this Earth to help people.

Nathan Kenneth Browne

January 13, 2014

This page contains instructions on what to do upon my death upon my death. To any reader of this, please make sure these are done.

I want to cremated and have my ashes spread at these places:

Mount Fuji

Mount Mckinely

The Smokies

Mount Everest

Leave no ashes to mourn for and upon my death rejoice for me. In death I am forever at peace. So remember me, but do not cry for me. Hopefully by the time I die, I would have lived a meaningful life that can be an example for others to follow. And to my loved ones and everyone else; continue living your lives and make you decisions based on whatever your heart tells you.

Nathan Kenneth Browne

April 10, 2011

"I love you, Whoever you are reading this, love your life. It's worth it. Keep trying to believe in yourself. If others attack you, it's because you have something they don't have. Don't let them take it from you with their pettiness, their scowl & negative intent because you never know what it is to walk in the eyes of another. Keep your eyes open and who knows what you'll discover, the treasures you'll uncover."

~~Nathan Kenneth Browne~~  His last journal entry

Our little blob is getting bigger

I had my extra ultrasound today and everything is looking really good.  The heartbeat is now at 132 beats per minute and there were no cysts, like they thought.  Everything looks great.  So I have been released from the Fertility specialist to the midwives.  So exciting!

I also had my first appointment with the midwives today and that was really homey feeling and exactly what I was looking for.  The gave me a lot of information to go over from medications that can be taken to birth plans.  I really liked the way everything worked together.  

I have to say before we got pregnant I knew we would have a boy for the first child.  But now that I'm pregnant I feel that shifting.  I don't know what we are having.  If it's a girl that's so promising because it means we will have another one, but if its a boy then I already got what God promised me so many years ago.  So either way I am so excited and thrilled. 

Tomorrow we fly down to Louisiana for my brother's memorial service.  I'm ready.  Today I've been okay I think because of the fact I has so much to do and focus on with the baby, getting things together to leave, ect;

It will be so much better when I'm with my family.  I will try to enjoy every minute of it, despite the circumstances because I know that is what my brother would have wanted.  I miss him so much and know one day I will see him again.

Flying Home

Thursday I will be flying home to be with my family for a week.  During this time we will have a memorial service to honor how much we love Nathan.  This has been incredibly emotionally exhausting.   Just when I feel like I'm going to be okay suddenly I burst into tears.  I can't believe I will never hear his voice again.  I will never be able to tell him how much I love him. 

My parents have been in Colorado collecting his things, speaking to the coroner, ect;  They should be heading back to Louisiana soon.  They found a letter Nathan wrote back in 2011 that I want to share:

Even thinking of death he thought of others.  He thought of the pain it might cause and how he wanted no one to be sad for him being gone.  I don't think that's possible though.  When you love someone that much I don't know if it's possible to not feel hurt and pain. 

He will always be in our hearts.  Always

So much Grief

My heart feels broken into a million different pieces.  I got the news yesterday that my youngest brother who I am very closed to committed suicide.  We had just talked via text earlier that day. I had sent him a picture of the ultrasound and told him we got to hear the heartbeat.  He said that's amazing Devin!  I'm so happy for you.  I said thank you and his last text to me was: Its nothing Devin.  I love you so much I'm so happy God chose you to be my sister, thank you. 

But we had been getting other group texts from the siblings with his responses through the day too.  Since it was Halloween people were going to parties he was laughing at some of the costume ideas.  It just doesn't make any sense.  There is an investigation taking place to see if it is possible it was foul play.  Especially from the way he was found.  None of it makes any sense.  If it was suicide the only thing I can think of is maybe he took some kind of drug and started hallucinating and tripped out or something.  Anything to make this make sense. 

Part of me prays that he was on something because this just wasn't my brother.  Not the way they found him.  He had struggled with depression and suicidal tendencies in the past.  But this..... never anything this brutal or violent. 

I just do not even have words.  I can't stop myself from crying and aching and hurting all over.  All I want to do is go back two days ago when he was alive and happy and well. 

I don't think I'll ever understand.  But from you readers I'm asking for prayers: prayers of strength for me and my child.  Prayers for my family as we grieve the loss of one we loved so dearly.