This wouldn't be a heart felt and honest journey to motherhood if I only wrote on the good days. Today was a very rough emotional day for me. I think it was just all piled up with emotions from Thanksgiving. Not being with my family and being the first holiday not being able to talk to my brother and wish him a Happy Thanksgiving. Back home in Louisiana my family got together for dinner and fellowship while I was up here in Pennsylvania without them. I still had Isaac and my sister in law for which I was very grateful. I still cooked the traditional Turkey for Thanksgiving dinner with some delicious sides but deep down inside I just feel broken. I wanted to badly to just pick up the phone and text Nathan and tell him Happy Thanksgiving and ask him what he is doing for the day. I think this Christmas is going to be really hard. I would always send him a gift card for a video game or Amazon every year for Christmas and his birthday and with both being around the corner it's going to be incredibly emotional. Now I know that everything is magnified by 1000% with my pregnancy hormones added to it too but man it is not easy.
At work today everyone was asking each other how their thanksgiving was, they were talking about how amazing it was to be with family, the funny things that took place all the while I listened with a smile but couldn't quite let it reach my heart or my eyes apparantly. Then people would ask if I was okay...If I didn't answer as satisfactory as they want they would say you just seem tired, or your so quite today ect; It's as if people forget just 28 days ago I lost one of my best friends and family members and I will not get him back for a very very very long time when God's ready to take me home too. Part of me wants to talk about it. The other part of me starts to break the moment I open my mouth. I sometimes want to run away into distraction, talking about my joys: the baby, Christmas presents I've found for others ect; I want things to get easier I just am not sure how.
I have realized though like I said in my last entry that family is the most important thing in the world to me. And I want to be at a place where I can see and be with them whenever I want. I know God will open that door for us one day. I just don't know when or exactly how.
So as of today-it was a bad day and draining both physically and emotionally.
I know I have so much to be thankful for but sometimes I just need to feel and let my feelings flow through to the outside as well and today was one of those days. Thankfully I have off tomorrow so we will go to Church and just rest in the presence of Jesus and just rest in general.
Saturday, November 29, 2014
Thursday, November 27, 2014
Happy Thanksgiving!
This past year has been a year full of hardships. We have gone through so much emotionally, spiritually and physically. But with all the crazy that has taken place this past year we have so much to be thankful for. In the past Year Isaac and I had hit 2 years and four months of trying to conceive and we now have our little miracle on the way. In this incredibly difficult journey we have grown so much closer. Isaac is my rock, my better half and I'm so thankful to have him in my life.
I'm grateful for my family I have realized just how much they mean to me and how much I love them(of course I knew this before but now it shows even more). God is so faithful. Despite how hard this holiday season will be with the loss of Nathan I know that I am so thankful for all that God has given to me. This holiday season won't be the same, but I'm determined to see the beauty in everything. Thank you Jesus for all you have given to me. Thank you for your peace and love. Help my family as we go through this holiday season.
Happy Thanksgiving Readers!
I'm grateful for my family I have realized just how much they mean to me and how much I love them(of course I knew this before but now it shows even more). God is so faithful. Despite how hard this holiday season will be with the loss of Nathan I know that I am so thankful for all that God has given to me. This holiday season won't be the same, but I'm determined to see the beauty in everything. Thank you Jesus for all you have given to me. Thank you for your peace and love. Help my family as we go through this holiday season.
Happy Thanksgiving Readers!
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
10 weeks
I am 10 weeks and one day today. This makes me so incredibly happy and just gives me huge relief. Though I feel like I'll never feel "out of the woods" so to speak but I just have so much peace and excitement! I know that God has some great things in store.
Thankfully my morning sickness has lessened a LOT and I'm only feeling nauseous every couple days and when it hits it's not nearly as bad as it was. I have to say I feel like I suddenly popped out and way earlier than I would expect. Thankfully I've only gained 2 pounds from where I started (doesn't make much sense figuring how I am already in maternity pants but hey I'll take it).
I know it would be really early for this but I swear I think I'm starting to feel the baby move. Not constantly just every once in a rare second every few days I'll get this little splurt/bubbly/fluttery feeling up against my uterus on the inside. The first few times it happened I thought it was just gas. But then each time after that it would always feel exactly the same(where as gas tends to move around and feel a little different and last a little longer than a split second) It feels kind of like the little jumps/crazy moves the little one was making when we viewed it on the ultrasound. The best way for me to describe it would be taking three fingers and quickly just tapping them down one after the other in quickness but feeling almost like if your underwater and you blow out air bubbles through a straw and put your hand over it what the air bubbles feel like hitting your hand. That's why I was thinking it was gas but It will come so fast and just be gone within a blink. Either way baby or not it makes me smile and reminds me of the most amazing gift that God has blessed us with.
That being said I really do feel so incredibly blessed. Despite everything I have been through to get here, how hard the actual here has been and currently is I am just beyond blessed. God is fundamentally amazing beyond my comprehension. He gives good gifts to his children and I'm so happy to be here. I have to say that with how long the journey took I definitely think we are enjoying the preparation stage to the fullest possibility. We aren't stressed about what it's going to cost to have a baby, get the nursery together or even after.....we know that God got us this far He won't bail out now.
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. James 1:17
God is faithful, who has called you into fellowship with his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord. 1Corinthians 1:9
For those of you readers out there still waiting for your gift. God has not forgotten you. God see's your cries and He is faithful to answer them:
Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you entirely; and may your spirit and soul and body be preserved complete, without blame at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. Faithful is He who calls you, and He also will bring it to pass. 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24
Even if it isn't happening in the timing that you want it to. Just hold on. I can't tell you the how many times I felt like I was loosing it all. I just knew I couldn't handle another month. I was so done. I was so broken. But that seems to be where we need to be to be remade. He remade me. I found out I was stronger than I ever knew that I was. He showed me just how strong I could be, though I would never wish this on anyone. And I pray to God I will never have to go through it again myself, I know that He is faithful and through the darkness He brought a beautiful light. Its like song lyrics: "Out of the ashes beauty will rise"
“A broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise” (Psalm 51:17).
No matter where you are with things just be honest with Him. He already knows He just wants to hear you say it.
That being said here is a picture of my 10 week "blotation" Its a bloat bump not baby but I'll take it and treasure it either way.
Thankfully my morning sickness has lessened a LOT and I'm only feeling nauseous every couple days and when it hits it's not nearly as bad as it was. I have to say I feel like I suddenly popped out and way earlier than I would expect. Thankfully I've only gained 2 pounds from where I started (doesn't make much sense figuring how I am already in maternity pants but hey I'll take it).
I know it would be really early for this but I swear I think I'm starting to feel the baby move. Not constantly just every once in a rare second every few days I'll get this little splurt/bubbly/fluttery feeling up against my uterus on the inside. The first few times it happened I thought it was just gas. But then each time after that it would always feel exactly the same(where as gas tends to move around and feel a little different and last a little longer than a split second) It feels kind of like the little jumps/crazy moves the little one was making when we viewed it on the ultrasound. The best way for me to describe it would be taking three fingers and quickly just tapping them down one after the other in quickness but feeling almost like if your underwater and you blow out air bubbles through a straw and put your hand over it what the air bubbles feel like hitting your hand. That's why I was thinking it was gas but It will come so fast and just be gone within a blink. Either way baby or not it makes me smile and reminds me of the most amazing gift that God has blessed us with.
That being said I really do feel so incredibly blessed. Despite everything I have been through to get here, how hard the actual here has been and currently is I am just beyond blessed. God is fundamentally amazing beyond my comprehension. He gives good gifts to his children and I'm so happy to be here. I have to say that with how long the journey took I definitely think we are enjoying the preparation stage to the fullest possibility. We aren't stressed about what it's going to cost to have a baby, get the nursery together or even after.....we know that God got us this far He won't bail out now.
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. James 1:17
God is faithful, who has called you into fellowship with his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord. 1Corinthians 1:9
For those of you readers out there still waiting for your gift. God has not forgotten you. God see's your cries and He is faithful to answer them:
Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you entirely; and may your spirit and soul and body be preserved complete, without blame at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. Faithful is He who calls you, and He also will bring it to pass. 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24
Even if it isn't happening in the timing that you want it to. Just hold on. I can't tell you the how many times I felt like I was loosing it all. I just knew I couldn't handle another month. I was so done. I was so broken. But that seems to be where we need to be to be remade. He remade me. I found out I was stronger than I ever knew that I was. He showed me just how strong I could be, though I would never wish this on anyone. And I pray to God I will never have to go through it again myself, I know that He is faithful and through the darkness He brought a beautiful light. Its like song lyrics: "Out of the ashes beauty will rise"
“A broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise” (Psalm 51:17).
No matter where you are with things just be honest with Him. He already knows He just wants to hear you say it.
That being said here is a picture of my 10 week "blotation" Its a bloat bump not baby but I'll take it and treasure it either way.
Saturday, November 22, 2014
Feeling Better
Last night I got my first good night of sleep since my brother past away 3 weeks ago. I still woke up in the middle of the night for a few hours but the fact that I got more than 4 hours of sleep was pretty amazing.
As to the bleeding, thankfully it has stopped that same day(this past Thursday) after 10 minutes and all I had was light spotting for the rest of the evening now things are back to normal with nothing. I'm hoping/praying that that bleeding was my sch getting smaller- the blood that she saw on the ultrasound was standing blood and she said that if it didn't heal and get absorbed it was going to come out. So hopefully it's all gone and now can heal up.
Today was also a good day in the realm of morning sickness. I didn't feel nauseous at all today, which was amazing and made work so easy. I was also able to eat all day throughout the day without feeling like I was going to throw up after.
Emotionally I feel so much better than I did the other day. I know God has his hand on this pregnancy and despite all the hardships and frustrations that are taking place will just make holding our precious baby that much more special. I know that God isn't letting this baby go anywhere.
My next appointment is in three weeks and I'll get to hear the heartbeat. I'm so excited I can't wait to hear that beautiful little beating.
Things are not however going very well today in the regards to my brother's passing. Today has been a very tough emotional day where I've started to cry more times than I can count. Just the thought of him makes me so sad. It's hard for me to look at pictures where before I found it a comfort. As soon as I see his face, no matter what age I just break down. I know this wont last but its so very hard. I miss him so much I don't even have words to describe it.
As to the bleeding, thankfully it has stopped that same day(this past Thursday) after 10 minutes and all I had was light spotting for the rest of the evening now things are back to normal with nothing. I'm hoping/praying that that bleeding was my sch getting smaller- the blood that she saw on the ultrasound was standing blood and she said that if it didn't heal and get absorbed it was going to come out. So hopefully it's all gone and now can heal up.
Today was also a good day in the realm of morning sickness. I didn't feel nauseous at all today, which was amazing and made work so easy. I was also able to eat all day throughout the day without feeling like I was going to throw up after.
Emotionally I feel so much better than I did the other day. I know God has his hand on this pregnancy and despite all the hardships and frustrations that are taking place will just make holding our precious baby that much more special. I know that God isn't letting this baby go anywhere.
My next appointment is in three weeks and I'll get to hear the heartbeat. I'm so excited I can't wait to hear that beautiful little beating.
Things are not however going very well today in the regards to my brother's passing. Today has been a very tough emotional day where I've started to cry more times than I can count. Just the thought of him makes me so sad. It's hard for me to look at pictures where before I found it a comfort. As soon as I see his face, no matter what age I just break down. I know this wont last but its so very hard. I miss him so much I don't even have words to describe it.
Nathan I love you and I miss you. You were so special and made such an
impact on so many lives. We don't know how to continue living a "normal"
life without you. I don't know if there is such a thing as normal anyway. I wish I
had just five more minutes with you. I would give anything to be able to say I love you one
time. But I can't. But I know you know. I know you watch us from the stars as you travel the
universe experiencing and exploring all those things your wondered about and wanted to see.
We love you Nathan, always will.
Friday, November 21, 2014
Not what I expected
I have to say when we finally got pregnant I pictured a beautiful wholesome completely enjoyable time. I know that God is in full control of everything that is happening is not out of his hands.
But when we finally got pregnant I never thought I would keep hitting the 25 % of women get.....
1- 25% of women get implantation bleeding....I had that, really heavy actually.
2-25% of women carry Strep B throughout their life- Yep got that covered
3-25% of women get Subchorionic Hemorrhages(SCH)-well we know thats there
I had a miniature breakdown yesterday. The midwife had said they recommend pelvic rest(aka no sex) when you have the SCH's so that you don't bleed because sex can cause more bleeding. I asked if it was dangerous to the baby to have sex, could make the sch worse or knock anything loose...she said no to all but that you will probably bleed after so they just say not to.
But going back to how my last appointment was when I was with the midwife this last time she saw the baby and then she showed me the sch and we could see that it was still full of blood and she told me most likely if it doesn't heal I can expect to bleed possibly at different times throughout my pregnancy. That clots are okay that only time I need to be concerned is if its continues heavy bleeding(filling a pad and hour) and I start passing clots the size of a golf ball.
So Isaac and I haven't had sex since before we went down to Louisiana for my brother's funeral...so now we are getting close to a month(a little over three weeks) and though Isaac hasn't said a word I just feel like as a wife I'm not meeting his needs. So I decided I want to try last night...yeah maybe not even two minutes in I started bleeding and made the whole thing stop. I bled really heavy for 10 minutes full of clots and craziness. I know its just the sch and I know the baby is fine but still this just makes me feel so emotional. How can I not meet my husbands needs. I feel sick, my morning sickness is getting worse every day and I just feel worn down, I'm only sleeping a few hours every night, I wake up after a few hours wide awake and normally don't fall asleep for quite a while. He is of course being incredibly supportive and says he doesn't care...and I love him for it.
After the bleeding had started I just wanted to call the midwives just in case even though I knew what it was and what it is....they told me if I want to come in this morning for another ultrasound to just put my mind at ease they could try and squeeze me in but I decided against it. I know what it was, its exactly what they told me would happen. And my poor baby is only 9 weeks and has already had 6 ultrasounds so I feel like I just want to give the poor little thing time to grow without being peeked on for a few weeks. My next midwife appointment is in 3 weeks and when I go in I'll ask for at least hearing the heartbeat while we are there if not an ultrasound to see how big the sch is.
But when we finally got pregnant I never thought I would keep hitting the 25 % of women get.....
1- 25% of women get implantation bleeding....I had that, really heavy actually.
2-25% of women carry Strep B throughout their life- Yep got that covered
3-25% of women get Subchorionic Hemorrhages(SCH)-well we know thats there
I had a miniature breakdown yesterday. The midwife had said they recommend pelvic rest(aka no sex) when you have the SCH's so that you don't bleed because sex can cause more bleeding. I asked if it was dangerous to the baby to have sex, could make the sch worse or knock anything loose...she said no to all but that you will probably bleed after so they just say not to.
But going back to how my last appointment was when I was with the midwife this last time she saw the baby and then she showed me the sch and we could see that it was still full of blood and she told me most likely if it doesn't heal I can expect to bleed possibly at different times throughout my pregnancy. That clots are okay that only time I need to be concerned is if its continues heavy bleeding(filling a pad and hour) and I start passing clots the size of a golf ball.
So Isaac and I haven't had sex since before we went down to Louisiana for my brother's funeral...so now we are getting close to a month(a little over three weeks) and though Isaac hasn't said a word I just feel like as a wife I'm not meeting his needs. So I decided I want to try last night...yeah maybe not even two minutes in I started bleeding and made the whole thing stop. I bled really heavy for 10 minutes full of clots and craziness. I know its just the sch and I know the baby is fine but still this just makes me feel so emotional. How can I not meet my husbands needs. I feel sick, my morning sickness is getting worse every day and I just feel worn down, I'm only sleeping a few hours every night, I wake up after a few hours wide awake and normally don't fall asleep for quite a while. He is of course being incredibly supportive and says he doesn't care...and I love him for it.
After the bleeding had started I just wanted to call the midwives just in case even though I knew what it was and what it is....they told me if I want to come in this morning for another ultrasound to just put my mind at ease they could try and squeeze me in but I decided against it. I know what it was, its exactly what they told me would happen. And my poor baby is only 9 weeks and has already had 6 ultrasounds so I feel like I just want to give the poor little thing time to grow without being peeked on for a few weeks. My next midwife appointment is in 3 weeks and when I go in I'll ask for at least hearing the heartbeat while we are there if not an ultrasound to see how big the sch is.
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
Great Midwife Follow up visit
I wanted to do a quick update:
I went to the midwife today for a follow up on my hemorrhage and it was such a good visit. She decided to do another ultrasound just to see things for herself and to put my mind at ease, well in her words everything looks perfect! And I got to see the baby moving!!! It was kicking up a storm! I have never seen anything so amazing! I'm already so in love!
She could see where the hemorrhage was, she said that most likely I'll bleed more, maybe even throughout my pregnancy, since once you have one it can get irritated if it doesn't completely go away. I asked her if I need to be concerned about anything that I do making it worse: working, sex, ect; She said the only thing I have to watch is Running or high intensity exercise. Other than that no not at all. And I haven't run since after I ovulated so that won't be an issue. Its good to know that it can't be made worse by anything I do.
I went to the midwife today for a follow up on my hemorrhage and it was such a good visit. She decided to do another ultrasound just to see things for herself and to put my mind at ease, well in her words everything looks perfect! And I got to see the baby moving!!! It was kicking up a storm! I have never seen anything so amazing! I'm already so in love!
She could see where the hemorrhage was, she said that most likely I'll bleed more, maybe even throughout my pregnancy, since once you have one it can get irritated if it doesn't completely go away. I asked her if I need to be concerned about anything that I do making it worse: working, sex, ect; She said the only thing I have to watch is Running or high intensity exercise. Other than that no not at all. And I haven't run since after I ovulated so that won't be an issue. Its good to know that it can't be made worse by anything I do.
All the wrong things people say
With all the stress that has been taking place with the death of my brother, the hemorrhage I had with the pregnancy and just plain old being pregnant with this I have developed a list of all the things people have said to me that really they shouldn't:
1. I just worry about you with the baby and all this stress-its been two weeks, as hard and as emotional as it has been it's not getting harder its getting easier.
2. You gotta try and stay calm for the sake of the baby you have to think about now-Oh really? I completely forgot I was pregnant. Thank you for informing me I am not allowed to grieve or feel my feelings since I am already pounded through with extra hormones that make me super emotional either way.
3. Don't tell stories of your friends who miscarried!
4. Don't assume it was an easy journey for the person who is pregnant
The list goes on but here is a story with the next one:
I go to the endochrinologist today and the nurse who is checking blood preasure getting my info and such says: Oh your pregnant how exciting. How far along are you? I told her 9 weeks she said oh thats super early you still have a long way to go. I told her well it took us fertility treatments to get here so I'm just so excited to be here no matter how early it is. Oh how long where you trying for? Almost 2 and a half years and working with the specialist since February. She said Oh I'm not telling you this to discourage you but a friend of mine did invitro and everything looked good but then once she went in for her 14 week appointment the heart had just stopped beating. My heart hurt so bad for her.
I just stared at her dumbfounded.....REALLY- your not telling me this to discourage me, you know I just went through fertility treatments to get where I'm at so lets go ahead and tell me how your friend miscarried even after everything looked good. Really?
Yeah so that is what brought on this post. I know she really was just trying to make a connection and act like she understood how emotional that can be but that was the wrong way to do it.
So in about an hour I'll be heading out to go to my midwife appointment. I'm not sure that it's going to entail much since I haven't had any more bleeding since our last er visit when baby was just growing away.
I have to say since being home my morning sickness has been worse but I think part of that is the colder weather(its been snowing here the past couple days) and the amount of drainage/allergies I've been having.
Yesterday was my first day back at work and it was actually really good to be back. I missed the doing what I love and the distraction will be nice. I did cry twice though, once when a client asked where I was and if everything was okay because she had appointments scheduled when I was gone and I see that in the future as well with all the clients that had to reschedule.
Okay I think that is enough ranting for the day.
1. I just worry about you with the baby and all this stress-its been two weeks, as hard and as emotional as it has been it's not getting harder its getting easier.
2. You gotta try and stay calm for the sake of the baby you have to think about now-Oh really? I completely forgot I was pregnant. Thank you for informing me I am not allowed to grieve or feel my feelings since I am already pounded through with extra hormones that make me super emotional either way.
3. Don't tell stories of your friends who miscarried!
4. Don't assume it was an easy journey for the person who is pregnant
The list goes on but here is a story with the next one:
I go to the endochrinologist today and the nurse who is checking blood preasure getting my info and such says: Oh your pregnant how exciting. How far along are you? I told her 9 weeks she said oh thats super early you still have a long way to go. I told her well it took us fertility treatments to get here so I'm just so excited to be here no matter how early it is. Oh how long where you trying for? Almost 2 and a half years and working with the specialist since February. She said Oh I'm not telling you this to discourage you but a friend of mine did invitro and everything looked good but then once she went in for her 14 week appointment the heart had just stopped beating. My heart hurt so bad for her.
I just stared at her dumbfounded.....REALLY- your not telling me this to discourage me, you know I just went through fertility treatments to get where I'm at so lets go ahead and tell me how your friend miscarried even after everything looked good. Really?
Yeah so that is what brought on this post. I know she really was just trying to make a connection and act like she understood how emotional that can be but that was the wrong way to do it.
So in about an hour I'll be heading out to go to my midwife appointment. I'm not sure that it's going to entail much since I haven't had any more bleeding since our last er visit when baby was just growing away.
I have to say since being home my morning sickness has been worse but I think part of that is the colder weather(its been snowing here the past couple days) and the amount of drainage/allergies I've been having.
Yesterday was my first day back at work and it was actually really good to be back. I missed the doing what I love and the distraction will be nice. I did cry twice though, once when a client asked where I was and if everything was okay because she had appointments scheduled when I was gone and I see that in the future as well with all the clients that had to reschedule.
Okay I think that is enough ranting for the day.
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