Pressed Down

Sometimes when the stack of things you have to do is so big it's hard to just take a moment and actually rest.  I'm not talking about relaxing or catching your breathe.  I'm talking about genuinely sitting back and just letting the presence of God refill you.  I feel like in this past week it's been so hard for me to do that.  Not just from the stress of Isaac getting laid off, to be honest I'm surprisingly not worried about that at all.  But more just overwhelmed with stuff going on with my family and my own emotions with what they are dealing with along with Nathan no longer being here.  I talked to my  older brother who had a really rough week, then I talked to my Dad who is really struggling with the fact that Nathan is truly gone and will not be coming back.  Then my Sister-in-law is going through some really hard times and I just wish there was something I could do for all of them....but I can't.  I have nothing.  All I can do is cry out to God.  But I just feel pressed down.  I had finally gotten the numbers of some of the counselors for me to go talk to but now with all of the stuff with loosing our insurance I don't even think its an option anymore.  So I kind of feel like I have all my own emotions I'm carrying, along with the struggles and burdens of everyone I love.  Part of it is the fact I'm an empathic person so I just suck in everyone's emotions if they open up to me, the other is the idea that my heart just so breaks for them.  I wish I could take away the pain.  I wish I could make it better.  But at the same time my own grief feels so crippling I want to just sit in the dark and cry.  I know things will get better.  I know that there is light at the end of the tunnel.  I just have to continue to press on.  Continue to move forward.  One day at a time.

Isaac got all his unemployment stuff in the mail yesterday so thankfully we will get that stuff together pretty fast.  I got  my Wic application but my midwives have to fill that out and I don't have an appointment with them until 3/2/15 so that's on hold for a little bit.  Though I did email my midwives to find out if they could fill it out then send it to the office based on my last visit or if they need current proof of stuff.  So we will see.

Right now I'm just trying to really rest.  Take care of myself, Ezekiel and of course Isaac, though all he wants is to take care of us.  Easier said than done that's for sure but we will make it through I know. I'll be 22 weeks on Monday.  I feel like it is flying by so fast! 

Feeling Numb

We found out today that the school loan deferment doesn't count for Isaac's loans that are privately owned(which is all of them apparently)  So now we have to try and go through the collectors agency and see if we can work out a payment plan of some kind that we can actually afford.  If not then we are just going to have to let them default.  Which poor Isaac is really stressing out about.  He hates not being in control, being a provider and giving us all we need/want.

One thing I'm realizing though is that this just proves that no matter how great tings are seeming they can always crumble.  But I'm also reminded of Matthew 6: 25-34


²⁵ “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? ²⁶ Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? ²⁷ Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life^[e]?
²⁸ “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. ²⁹ Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. ³⁰ If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? ³¹ So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ ³² For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. ³³ But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. ³⁴ Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

We are definitely finding the troubles of each day.  But it seems to be pretty well balanced, the days I'm freaking out and upset Isaac does well and the days he is stressing I'm holding it together.  

God looking at the big picture I can start freaking out so bad.  But I know that you are so in control.  You saw the big picture from the very beginning and opened the doors that needed opened and have provided for us miraculously from the very beginning.  I pray you would help us to be good stewards over what we have and  help us to be faithful with the little things.  

On another note I know I should be so thankful and happy for help when it comes to medicaid for me and the baby and wic to help with some of the expenses but it kind of just makes me sad to have to be here.  But I know that we will be happy to have every bit of help we can get.  

I keep thinking back on how proud I was that I had the option to be a stay at home Mom if I wanted to be.  It added so much relief to the thought of having a baby.  But now knowing that currently it's not even a option unless something changes.  I don't even know how I feel I think just kind of numb is the best description.  Because I don't have any control over whats going on or what is happening I am just going through the motions trying to make things as easy a transition as possible for us.  And trying to save us as much money as possible.  I don't really feel scared or afraid, God has ALWAYS provided for us and He will this time too.  So I just have to continue to take it one day at a time and know and pray that God is going to open the doors for Isaac and I. 

Today just gave me a headache

So I woke up this morning and started off by calling my midwives/hospital to see if I will be able to stay with the same Dr's when it comes to the Medicaid.  Praise God I was told yes!  So thankful for that.  Then I called the endocrinologist office to find out about staying with them and as long as I'm not put on a certain one it shouldn't be a problem.  So for that I just have to wait and see. 

Then I had the fun task of calling the PA medicaid office to file my official PA application where I was hung up on 2x and never called back.  So finally on the third time I got a really nice lady, I explained to her that I have already tried to start this application with them 2xs this will be the 3rd time and please if we get hung up to call me back.  She apologized and said it was definitely their phones and that if we got disconnected she would be able to help me out.  So we go the application filled out then I had to provide proof of:
Hypothyroid/endocrinologist treatment
My Income
Proof of Pregnancy
Proof of all our school loans(5 in total)
and a few other things which ended up all together being 21 pages I faxed in.  Thank goodness my neighbor has a fax machine she let me use.  Now I'm just praying it went through.  I'll give them till Friday then call and make sure they got the fax/info they needed. 

So then Isaac called to make sure all the paperwork was correct for him with differing the school loans and needless to say the guy who he was speaking to was DEFINITELY not from the USA despite his name being John.  And just couldn't wrap his mind around why Isaac was wanting to put his payments on hold despite having no income.  Very different experience than the last person he talked to but we ended up getting it all worked out.

In other news I hit 21 weeks today.  As exciting as it is to be a week closer to viability(24 weeks) I didn't really feel like I could celebrate anything their is just so much to do/get done.  So I'm taking it one step at a time and one day at a time.  I have to say little Ezekiel has been doing gymnastic in the womb today and it is incredible.  No matter how rough things are currently he and Isaac can make me smile. That being said here is my 21 week photo

Calming Day

I felt really at peace today.  I woke up had breakfast then just put on some worship music and knit while praying.  It was really nice.  I can't say that I'm completely calm because I still have my moments.  And Isaac was a little more stressed today than he was the past two days, so of course I wanted to try and help him out.  But all together today was a great day.  I got to go to a friends baby shower and celebrate her upcoming baby.  It turns out its at the same place we are having my baby shower.  Then after that I came home and Isaac and I filled out all the paperwork we needed to in order to put his school loans on deferment.  I still can't believe how much we pay in those every month.

Then I took some time and made the Calvin and Hobbes mobiles that I wanted to for the nursery.  It was a lot of fun!  I think it could have turned out a little better but its fun.

One Day at a Time

Last night I tossed and turned so much that I finally gave up and just got out of bed.  I would go from a state of complete and utter stress and freak out to peace knowing God is going to take care of us.  So at about 3 am I got out of bed came downstairs and pulled out the baby blanket I am knitting for Ezekiel to work on while worship music played.  I let myself cry, pray and listen.  I would have my moments of break down and almost on que a beautiful song would come on about either God's faithfulness, Praising Him in the midst of trials and so forth. 

At about 5 am I finally felt myself getting tired so I went to bed but got up about 10 am.  So still not quite as much sleep as I wanted or needed.  But I also had so much heart burn last night that I started throwing up.  It felt like acid reflux really bad.  So I am definitely going to mention that to my midwife and see if there is anything they can give me to help with that.  It's been getting really bad every time after I eat or drink without having anything help even if I try not to eat after a certain time.  I lost a little weight, I think in part because I've been trying NOT to eat too late(aka after I get off work at 9pm) so that I don't have as bad of heartburn.  But it really isn't working either way.

So this morning after I got up I called the healthcare.gov people and that we needed to see what we could qualify for in the cheap insurance area to compare the price against the cobra so we went over Isaac's lay off, how much I made last year, that we are expecting a baby in June ect;  The woman I worked with was so incredibly sweet and helpful.  I actually started crying, okay no lets be honest almost bawling at one point, well the point when she asked if anyone is pregnant.  She was so sweet and understanding and just kept saying "Oh honey it's going to be okay, you don't have to be upset.  Were gonna take care of you.  It will all work out.  I've actually been there before twice."  After all was said and done we got it all worked out.  I will be going on medicaid until Isaac finds a job.  Thankfully everything will be paid for and I don't have to stress about the hospital bills that have been coming in though I paid everything up to date already.  Just Friday morning I had just sent in a $260 check for our anatomy scan from last month, our insurance didn't cover as much as I had hoped they would.    The only thing I am praying for with this is that I can still deliver with my midwives at the hospital I'm at.  I really pray they will accept Medicaid.  

So that was a huge weight off of our shoulders.  And Isaac also got a bunch of leads from different friends who work in IT/Development work telling him to send them his resume and they would pass it on to their bosses so that just lifted the weight so much more. 

As Isaac and I are talking about all of this we just looked at each other and smiled and both said almost at the same time how relieved we were.  We just both know that everything will end up working out and that God will indeed provide for us like He always has.  Ezekiel then started kicking like crazy so I lifted my shirt and we both were able to actually see my belly move!  It was amazing!  Isaac and I just looked at it and had to smile.  We were reminded what is REALLY important in life. 

I didn't feel comfortable really going out and celebrating my birthday like we planned to but we found a good compromise.  We went to Sonic for lunch then went over to Burlington Coat Factory and registered for the rest of the baby stuff we need/wanted that we did not see at Target.  Then as my birthday present I was able to find two pairs of work maternity pants for only $15 each-something I needed and a $10 movie-something I wanted and called it a really good fun day. 

I still keep getting moments of sheer panic wondering how the hell is everything going to work out.  But I know it will.   It always will.  We have been in harder situations than this.  When Isaac and I first go married I was the only one working since Isaac couldn't find work after college.  That was a very very very hard year.  But now Isaac has experience under his belt.  A lot of people rooting for him.  And I know that God is going to bring it all together. 

Thrown For A Loop

Isaac and I were thrown for a really big loop today.  He had his yearly review where they told him he is a model employee, they love having him work for them.  They are giving him a 5% bonus in this paycheck.  Followed by his boss telling him that's the good news:  The bad news is we just lost over 50% of our contracts for this next year and we aren't going to be able to afford to keep you on.  So we are going to have to let you go.  Apparently, according to Isaac, his boss started crying several times as he was telling him.  He could tell he really felt bad and he kept apologizing.  Isaac seemed to have held it together really well.

His boss told him that He is going to write him a letter of recommendation for other jobs in the future.  Along with the president of the company had emailed him a few months ago on how well he did on a certain project and how much they appreciated him.   He kept asking Isaac if he was okay, because he was so calm.  But Isaac just calmly told them that He is fine.  He will land on his feet but that they could have handled this a lot better.  He heard a few weeks ago that there were going to be losing work and he came to him and asked him if he needed to be concerned and was assured no not at all.  Things would be fine so he trusted him.  He told him if he knew he should have told him especially since he knows his wife is pregnant.

So yes, that's how our day went.  I just finished a 10 day work stretch.  I'm exhausted, moody, tired and now stressed.  And of course lets not forget pregnant.  We were supposed to go out tomorrow to celebrate me birthday and Isaac is still insisting we do something but I just don't feel right about it.  I feel like I am not allowed to spend any extra money at all.  So we will have to see Isaac is insisting on at least going out to lunch or getting me something but I just don't know how I feel about it.  I really want to try and save as much money as possible.  So we will see.

Right now I'm fine one second then freaking out the next.  I know that God is in control and we have been in much worse situations but I know that God is going to cause everything to work out as it should.  I just have to trust.

It feels even more surreal because a few months ago I had a dream where I was telling someone that Isaac lost his job and today when I was telling a friend it came rushing back in dejavu style where I remembered that I had a dream about this.  So that made me feel a little better since I felt like it was God's way of reminding me He always sees the big picture and that it is going to be okay.

Since getting home and processing little Ezekiel has been going crazy.  It makes me so happy to feel but kind of stresses me out at the same time since it reminds me we have him coming to join our family soon.  I know it will all work out.   God has always worked it out for us.  But I just need to trust, take deep breathes and let God lead us.

One blessing about today I forgot to mention I got an anonymous package on the mail today:

Half Way There-20 Weeks

Today I have made it to 20 weeks.  I am officially 5 months and half way there.  It is so incredibly amazing.  I love and cherish every second of this that I can.  I am slightly exhausted as I am doing a 10 day work stretch right now.  But thankfully I have loved the clients I have had and that has made it so much easier to get through the day.

Today though has been a little emotional.  I had a dream last night where I woke up not remembering what the dream was but remembered the fact that in the dream I was well aware that Nathan was no longer with us.  I woke up remembering that in my dream Nathan was dead.  It put a very sad start to the morning.  I wonder if it's because yesterday a client of mine who lost her sister recently came in and almost started crying in my chair several times, making me almost cry.  I think all in all it has just been an emotional day.   In the past when a dream involved him I would wake up sad but so glad I got to see him or hear his voice. 

A few weeks ago a friend of mine gave me the number and a website to some therapists that I asked for.  I haven't called them yet.  As silly as it seems I feel like that's such a big step.  I've never done anything like that before and I know I need to.  It's just I'm normally the one that everyone opens up to and talks to it is just really hard for me to see myself opening up like I should.  All I'm picturing is not even being able to get words out just bawling my eyes out the whole first session.  But I think that might be exactly what I need.  So it's on my bucket list by the end of the week I want to have found someone and scheduled my first appointment.  Just another thing to add to the many things I have going on: Drs appointments, Birthing classes, and so much more but I know it will be good for me. 

But I do have the fact that little Ezekiel is growing well to keep the day bright.  He has turned into a pretty active young man and I love feeling him move around as I am walking around or even the flips it feels like he's doing that I feel when I'm laying down.  It just puts a smile on my face.  So for now I'll try to take it day by day and face one challenge at a time.