Afraid Of Dissapointment

As my little guy is getting closer and closer to 5 months the thought of having another one is coming more and more frequently.  I wanted to wait till he was a little older but now I am ready to start entertaining the idea.  Or more I"ve been planning and have my timeline all together but if this journey taught me anything it's that my own desired timeline basically can go to hell.

I would love to have another one in September or October of next year or sometime around the fall(my favorite time of the year).  I would love to have new life come around the time Nathan left us as it would just be a glorious reminder that as one life ends another somewhere begins.  But in all reality I don't know if this is even an option.  My periods have returned yes but ovulation has not.  In fact my last period came just two weeks after the one before ended and was extremely heavy and 7 days long.  Which would not give any opportunity for implantation even if I were ovulating. My body just seems all over the place.  But we are going to try none the less.  I'm afraid of being disappointed though and not being able to get pregnant on my own.  I just pray that God works a miracle in my body. 

We did the math and if we get pregnant in December then the baby would be due in September we are not going to go all crazy with trying with fertility treatments, having sex every other day but at least we can try naturally and just go back to enjoying marriage and sex without the thought of I must get pregnant!  Though of course we want it again so that thought will probably be there either way. 

I have to say though my mindset has changed or rather is changing on going back to see an Fertility Specialist.  I hated the emotional turmoil and the frustration that was there but the reward was far greater than the frustration was and therefor was so worth it.  I can't say for sure that we will go back but as of now if we can't get pregnant on our own I think I will be more than willing to try but if it doesnt' happen I wont be devastated since I want to adopt anyway.  But I will at least be able to say I tried.  I loved being pregnant and would love to experience all of that again.  I honestly don't think Isaac would be happy with me not trying.  He wouldn't force the issue but I think he would be hurt I wouldn't be willing to do it again.  But we will broach that subject later since you can not do fertility drugs while nursing and I plan on nursing him for another 7 months.  So that is that. 

But with

Something other than Anger

I'm so aggravated I wrote an entire post only to press the wrong thing and it deleted everything!  So I will attempt to make it up but I don't think it will be quite as good as what I wrote before:

The one year anniversary of Nathan's death has come and gone.  I look back and can not believe that it has been a year already yet at the same time so much has happened.   I was working most of the day but when I got home it just hit me.  Yet at the same time I felt like I just couldn't feel anything.  As hard as that is to describe.  I wanted to badly to have a way to let out the emotions.  Next thing I know I'm pulling out a can of beer and it tastes way better than it should have.  I then decide to pull out a few bags of frozen breast milk and make a couple bottles in case Ezekiel, who was already in bed at this point wakes up, and I tell Isaac he was on baby duty if Ezekiel wakes up.  I then act on the feeling that my beer wasn't enough.  I wanted to get drunk.  I wanted to numb the pain I felt that just seemed so crippling or even to relax myself enough that I could actually let the emotions out.  It's so hard to explain but I felt for the past few months that I have wrapped myself up like a snug little package so tightly in anger, unforgiveness and resentment that I couldn't feel anything anymore.  It was as if a wall had been built up in self defense to keep myself from dealing with the real emotions.  And since Isaac was already prepared to take care of Ezekiel I began to do shots of Jaegermeister back to back as I cooked dinner.  Rather quickly that warm tingly feeling began to come over me and I felt myself begin to relax and the walls begin to come down.  I felt my inner self allowing weakness to show and I finally felt some relief.  I know, I know, I can see you readers shaking your heads right now in disappointment and displeasure.  But for those of you who have been with me from the beginning will remember that I pride myself in being real.  I want you readers to get a glimpse of the real me and the life I live.  The good the bad and the ugly.  And to be quite honest I feel lately I've been lacking in that area besides a post here or there I don't feel like I've talked about my heart or hardships like I used to.  But back to my point.  I drank and finally was able to let go.  As sad as that is I think the only reason I've held onto so much anger is because it is the only emotion I have felt like I could feel.  I know I've grieved, I've felt sad, sentimental ect; but mostly all I've felt for months has been anger.  Anger that he is gone.  Anger that life moves on yet he isn't a part of it.  But that night it seemed I finally was able to relax enough where those mental blocks came tumbling down.  And today I feel like I can finally say that I forgive Nathan for what he did.

Forgiveness is choosing to live with the consequences of someone Else's choices. I choose to forgive him.  I might not understand it or agree with it.  But the bottom line is it is done nothing I say or do will bring him back but I want him to be at peace and I want my spirit to move on as well.  So That is what i will do.  I will do.  I will choose forgiveness.

My brother shared this blog with me to try and help me understand what Nathan and himself go through/went through on a daily basis.  It is a really good read:
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013_05_01_archive.html

Tonight Isaac and myself will be going out on a much needed date night.  Our good friend and neighbor will be coming over to watch Ezekiel so that we can go do dinner and just have some alone time.  And I am really looking forward to it.   Thankfully becoming parents hasn't put too much stress on our marriage but it has definitely made it harder to make each other a priority which is what needs to happen. 

Choosing Forgiveness

As the anniversary of Nathan's death(suicide) approaches it is bringing up all sorts of feelings.  Mostly anger, which surprises me.  But I'm having a hard time forgiving him for what he did.  Part of me says why do I need to forgive him he's no longer alive.  But in my heart I know his spirit lives on.  And unforgiveness is similar to a brown rotting area on a piece of fruit it slowly spreads and makes it unusable.  It is the same way with unforgiveness.  It slowly creeps into your soul making you bitter and angry at not just the current situation but the world.  I feel like even in the spiritual sense that he knows I'm angry and so is keeping his distance.  I haven't had the dreams where we visit, or the things that make me smile.  I just want to cry or punch something.  It seems to be one or the other.

If we were to go back in time I don't know if he would make a different choice.  He wanted out for so many years.  And he was so happy that day.  I just wish I could tell him really tell him how much I love him.

I think that might be one of the reason's I am so angry.  Because I can't.  I can't tell him how much I love him.  I can't tell him I forgive him even if we get to that point, which makes me angrier.

I want to forgive him.  I want to cherish the positives.  Look at the memories with fondness not hurt.  It's so incredibly hard though to see a silver lining in this.

Suicide leaves a nasty wake of destruction for everyone the victim leaves behind.  I say victim because that is exactly what it is.  It's a sickness.   A disease and the victim sees no other alternative to get through their current trials or issues.

It makes me want to just reach out to everyone struggling with depression and scream at the top of my lungs how special they are!  Even if they don't realize it in that moment their absence from this life will leave a hole that can not be repaired.

If I could have one last day with my brother I don't think I would spend it trying to talk him out of it.  To tell him how important he is and how much it would hurt us would only be a temporary fix.  Instead I would want to know why he feels he must do it.   Truly dissect his mind and get to the black lie that burrowed deep into his brain.

I wish I could say that things like this get easier.  They don't.  It gets a little numb.   Doesn't quite sting as bad in the debilitating way it did before.  But it doesn't get easier.

I will always miss my little brother.  I will always wonder why he chose that night, mere hours after we talked to end his life.  Why did he tell home how much he loves me and thanks God for making me his sister instead of just straight out saying goodbye.

Nathan I hate what you did!  I hate that I can't hug you, laugh with you, cry with you or even talk to you.  You are gone.  That is the hardest thing in my life that I have ever had to wrap my mind around.  Part of me wonder's if I don't want to forgive you because it's the only thing keeping me from feeling like I've moved on.  Like I'm afraid I'll forget you and how much of a hole you leave in my life. But I know can never move on from this.  I would never be able to forget you.  I can't pretend that what you did hasn't changed my life for the worse for the rest of my time here on earth.  But I want to forgive you.  I want your spirit to be free and mine as well.  I just wish I knew why.  I just wish I truly knew what reason you decided to leave us.  But whatever the reason you are gone now and there is no bringing you back.  I miss it when you used to visit me in my dreams.  We would laugh and talk and cry.  It was as if you were still here with me.  But I know that I have to let go.  I have to trust that you truly are in a better place.  Nathan I choose to forgive you.  Though my heart isn't quite there yet I am releasing my spirit to forgive you.  I want to forgive you.  I want to remember only the good and have this bitter feeling of your loss be gone.  I love and miss you so incredibly much!  

I can not believe that it's almost there.  November 1 at 3 am your spirit left us.  October 31st 7 pm we talked and I told you we were pregnant.  That we saw the heartbeat.  That we were all so excited.  Nathan I miss you.  I always will.  And as angry as I am for what you did I love you even more then all those other emotions.  So I choose to forgive you.  I just pray God would help me.  Because I choose forgiveness.

Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.

He gets to start food.

Today little man got his 4 month old vaccinations.  He was such a trooper.  He cried only for a split second until I picked him up and then was immediately calm. 

The Pediatrician said we can begin him on solids!  This makes me so incredibly excited and happy I know he is going to love it.  He always stares so hard at us when we are eating and seems so interested in food so I am excited to let him try it.  I will wait till Thursday when Isaac gets home from work so that he can be there for his first time. 

We will start on rice cereal only for a few days or a few feeds until he get the hang of swallowing.  Then he said we can begin him on stage one, introducing a new food every three days twice a day. 

I want to try and make my own baby food, since its so much cheaper and I will feel more comfortable knowing exactly whats going in it. 

That being said here is my little trooper at 4 months old!

4 months old!!

Sometimes I wonder where on earth the time went.  I remember I was so scared when I brought this little boy home.  I was so in love, so nervous, so grateful and everything in between.  I wanted to just know how to do things and how to relax without stressing over the smallest sound, yellow poops, snotty noses and so much more

No I've ever can really impress on you the way your life will change after you have a baby.  If course you expect to love this new family addition but it's so much more than that.  My heart mealts at every smile.  Joy overflows at every giggle.  This helpless little thing that relies skillet on you had just stolen your heart.  And you wake up every morning knowing you are blessed.  You are blessed indeed.

He's four months old today and I just can't believe it.  Time has just flown by so much.  He's doing things now that are having his personality show so much.  He is happiest when he can look around at everything.  When he can see what's going on.  He has begun to grab his toys and put them in his mouth.  He's sleeping mostly through the night, of course this helps me feel human again.  He loves to laugh and have your attention.  Which he definitely does.

It makes me want another one do bad.  At the same time my heart wants to take in the hiring, broken and less fortunate.  I would love to get plenary m prenatal m pregnant again if possible, but based on my chart I didn't actually ovulate at all last month though my periodi came on CD 31 and later only 4 days ( an amazing occurance in itself).  I still hope after the new year to get pregnant again.  But if for some reason we can not currently my heart is at peace with that.  I say that with such sincerity it suprises me.  But lately whenever I hold Ezekiel I get this overwhelming sense of peace and love and I think to myself you are enough.  Though I want more desperately if it doesn't happen then that's okay because he is enough

Thank you Jesus for my wonderful son.  Thank you for honoring and bringing to pass your promise to have him.  We are so in love.  Hello us to raise him up in the way that you would desire for us to.  We thank you Jesus for your guidance in that. I thank you Lord for your favor to rest upon Ezekiel.  That at a young age he will know you deeply.  That you would speak to his heart those things you wish to manner known.  Let him sell after wisdom and your heart.  I praise you for that Lord.  In Jesus name. -Amen

Almost a Year

I can't believe it's almost been a year since my little brother Nathan committed suicide.  I still get hit with huge waves of grief but especially now as the anniversary of his death is drawing near.  It was on Halloween night of last year that we had our last conversation.  I told him we were pregnant and that we saw the heartbeat that day.  He was so happy for us. 

 I found out later that the text I received on 11/1/14 was a mass text reply from my brother sharing his Halloween costume that afternoon, for some reason my phone delayed the response and I received it at 3:20 am when everyone else received it on Halloween night.  The coroner believes my brother died between 1-3 am.  I believe that it was at the time I received the text.  I feel its just too much of a a coincidence.  I remember being woken up and seeing it and I almost text him asking him what on earth he's doing up so late.  But instead I went back to bed.  Never knowing even if I did he wouldn't be able to respond. 

I miss him more than words can ever say.  I can't believe that on 10/31 it will be a year since we last communicated.  God how I miss him.  It hurt in a fresh way every day.  In a different way.

People say how I feel is normal: the anger, the hurt, the pain.  They say that's part of the "grieving process".  I hate that term "grieving process"  as if when it's over you'll be all better.  But no you'll never be all better.  You'll never be healed from something like this.  Time will numb it but it won't heal it. 

I feel like I am starting to come to grips with how I feel about what he did.  Before it was all I could do to keep it together.  I had to focus on how wonderful he was.  How kind hearted and loving.  But the truth is what he does was selfish and weak.  I feel like I need to be honest and say I'm disappointed.  I'm disappointed he didn't love us enough to push through.  I'm disappointed he decided the current stress of life wasn't worth the bright future ahead. 

He was 21 freakin years old!  Just old enough to be able to drink.  Barely an adult.  But he just gave up on life and that saddens me above all else.  My heart breaks for my family members and what they are also going through and struggling with because of this situation. 

I just wish he had fought to live on.

But wishing does no good.  Not anymore.  So every day we press on.  We move forward.  We try to hard to keep going.  Some days are better than others.  And then of course there are those other days that are just plain out disasters that there seems like there will be no possible way for it to be okay. 

But even as we mourn life keeps going so we can either fight the current or be carried away.  At first I said that I just want to do nothing I want to be closeted up and left alone on the anniversary.  But I decided instead I would pass out candy to all the little trick or treaters this year.  It's the first year after all that I have been off on Halloween so it will be exciting to see all the little kids in costume and will make me smile.  So I'm happy for that. 

For those of you who are struggling with depression and suicidal tendencies yourself just remember:

I have been missing in action lately due to just the craziness of life.  Ezekiel is going through a leap/growth spurt right now that seems to be demanding all of my time.  But on top of that I feel like life is just getting to be really busy. 

I'm back at work which I love!  I'm getting more involved with my Church and Church friends.  And I'm just trying to keep a handle on everything all together.  The leap Ezekiel is going through right now is definitely challenging to say the least.  He will be my smiley happy baby one second then crying and fussy the next.  Mainly crying when he's tired and fighting sleep.  He fought to go to sleep for almost two hours yesterday only to take a 15 minute nap once he finally did fall asleep.  Though today has been much better.  It took about a hour and a half to be able to put him down for his nap but he's sleeping so far for an hour so I say that is making some progress. 

But with this leap is coming so many new things.  I can tell he is actually paying attention to the things around him.  For Example I took him to the zoo on Monday since I was on that side of town it was gorgeous and we have a zoo pass so its free and he was looking around at everything.  Here he is staring into the leopard exhibit and at the flamingos.  He loved the flamingos.

I also took him yesterday on his first walk in the park where I didn't have him in the car seat inside the stroller but had him sitting in the actual stroller by himself.  He loved it!  Though at first(like in the picture)  he wasn't quite sure what to think about it but then as we started moving he looked around and was just in love with everything!

I have to say he has my heart!  I am so very much in love. 

So really that is all there is from me.  I have so much going on and so much I want to get done but there just seems no time to do it.  But I love my little angel so much. 

Isaac and I are doing well and adjusting to a routine as well.  Having a baby has definitely not been easy and the limited time we did have together got even smaller but now that Ezekiel is sleeping through the night I am able to stay up later with him and actually spend some quality time.  That has been nice.  We have been trying to think of date things to do that don't require a lot of work but still allow us to get out and have fun so Friday we will be going to the drive in Movie theater to see the Martian.  Something Isaac really wants to see so I think that will be fun but this way it will be Ezekiel's bedtime so hopefully he just sleeps the whole time we are there.  He normally passes out in the car seat so I think the chances are pretty good. 

We've also been trying to go meet Isaac for lunch every once in a while as well which I personally love walking around down town so I have fun with that.  All in all trying to get as much outside time done that I can before it gets cold and snowy and we are stuck inside.  So for now that's all I have but I feel like it's a lot!