2 Years

This past week has been a whirl wind of emotions.  We came once again upon the anniversary of my brothers suicide.  I can't believe it has been two years.  That truly flew by so fast.  I realized over the last two years that time really doesn't heal the pain of loss.  But even more than that is that it truly doesn't even numb it.  That when those moments come of reliving the loss and emptiness that is left behind it can be just as raw as it was before.

I also came to the conclusion this past week on how I feel in regards to accepting the mantle that was left unfilled by Nathan onto our next child.  The answer is no.  No I do not want it.  I don't want to sit back and be comparing my child's life to Nathan all the time.  I don't want to be looking for similarities.  Our children deserve their own separate identities completely apart from the pain that was left behind.

So much change has taken place in the past several months sometimes it is hard to look ahead at everything.  I look at my job change, where we are now with going forward with fertility medications, Ezekiel getting older.  All of it.

"Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you." Deuteronomy 31:8

I feel that every day God is going ahead of us bringing us closer to him and into the direction that He would have us to go.  This picture I took of Ezekiel truly made me think of this.

Its a huge huge world but He leads me in the right direction.  He guides me in the way He would have me go.  He opens doors for me that only He can open.  He shuts those only he can shut.

God I truly lay it all down at your feet.  I ask for your continued grace, provision and guidance in the way you would have us to go.  I ask that you would draw me into your presence Lord in everything.  I ask for your continued peace and healing in our lives as we move forward to try and continually seek after you.  We praise you for it Lord.   ~Amen

New beginnings x2

Today was a good day.  Today I walked out of my new Drs. office feeling like a person not a number.  He actually listened to my history, asked questions and proved himself to be very knowledgeable.  I also walked out with a script for Clomid in my hands.  So I suppose this begins another new chapter.  We will wait till December or January to start it just due to traveling next month and sharing a hotel room with family.  Not exactly good timing for scheduled sex. 

I'm feeling relieved.  I didn't expect things to go the way that they did.  I honestly was so scared he was going to blow me off but it was just the opposite.  For now he gave me 2 months on the lower dose and if I don't get pregnant in those two months he is going to up my dosage little by little till we find what works for us. 

This is exciting and nerve wracking at the same time.  Exciting because we can have another baby without having to go through all the crazy I went through last time.  Never wracking because everything right now is so new.  My new job/business that I'm building for myself.  That right there is a little stressful.  But it doesn't mean that it wont happen.   God has proven himself to always provide!  I will feed on his faithfulness.

Little man is waking from his nap so I'm afraid I have to cut this short but I do actually have quite a lot to say about the new chapter we just started so I'll be on soon. 

Time For Change

I had said in one of my latest posts that I felt like change was coming but I couldn't quite put a finger on it.  Well change has most certainly come.  It's not in the form I expected and it to be quite honest is a little scary but I have so much peace it's literally overwhelming.   So what is the change?

This change is that I quit my job of 6 years to go a different direction.  For those of you who have not followed me from the beginning I am a hair dresser and absolutely love what I do.  I have been at the same salon for the past 6 years and have become a manager and trainer for them.  I was paid hourly plus tips so not like your typical commission based salon.  Lately I had been feeling like it is time to move on.  I can't explain why just that there is something better out there for me.  Not that I didn't appreciate where I was because that is definitely not it at all but just a calling into a different direction.  So I typed up my resume and waited.  Over a few months time I had a few opportunities that came along that just didn't add up for me.  Let's back track a little for this to make sense: a long time ago God had spoke to my heart I could go to school for whatever I wanted to go for but in the end I would need to lay it down to do what He has called me to do.  I didn't really understand what that meant back then, I thought it meant going into ministry or something along that line.  No God meant it in the realm of being a Mom.  I am to be there for my kids, not put them in daycare.  By doing so this is in fact a sacrifice....I'm giving up time and space to grow in the career that I love along with being around adults my own age all day.  For anyone who knows me they will tell you I am a huge people person.  I love to meet new people and interact with them on a regular basis.  So I am lucky enough with my; I guess now I have to call it "old" job to be able to stay at home with Ezekiel during the day and then go to work in the evenings two nights a week and on Saturday.  Sorry I know it seems like I'm going backwards but really back to the story.  Last week I accepted an offer from a Salon that I'm still kind of blown away by everything.  They posted their resume, I applied and within four hours I had a phone interview, the next day a face to face interview then a job offer immediately...It was one of those things where before I sent the application in I prayed Okay God I'm following your leading and you are going to open doors for me to walk through if this is you and if not I ask you would shut the door.  So when the owner called me we talked and every single thing that proved the breaking point at other salons I looked at he kept saying: nope, nope doesn't bother me, not a problem ect;  So every single reason I gave him being prepared in order for him to say oh sorry that wont work just never happened.  So then I went a step further and said things I wanted and it was already what they practiced:  I can take as much time off as I want without penalties.  If I want to see my family during the holidays I can see my family, no black out dates.  Eventually more $$ once I get a full book.  I can get certified in a color line and start teaching educational classes with that.  The owner has actually done A list Celebrities hair and has so much to teach us  it's so many good things that I am super excited about!
  Where does this step of Faith come from then?  It comes from me starting over.  I no longer get paid hourly...a steady income ready to come all the time.  Now I must rely on getting clients in to see me and everything is commission based.  This will be good for me in the long run but scary until I get clients.  So hey if your in the Pittsburgh Area and feel like you need a new style ;-) just let me know.  Isaac and I both know this is what I am supposed to do.  It was definitely really hard thought to leave my clients and co workers who I have known and loved for the past 6 years.

It will all end up working out though exactly as it should.  It always does.  God is so incredibly faithful even when we aren't.

So that being said I think I should post some hair pictures...you know in case anyone feels like flying to me for their hair.

We have had an insanely busy month this past month.  My period came and went so no pregnancy.  That however turned out to be a blessing in disguise as I ate something(Blackrasberry icecream) and found out I am allergic to it.  Broke out in hives, dealt with a little throat swelling and just overall horrible experience.  Had to go on steroids in order to finally clear up and that in and of itself was a nightmare.  I hate the way they made me feel.  So our trying to get pregnant is on hold now then for a few months since if we were to get pregnant this month we'd have another baby born in June, I'd be flying down to Louisiana pregnant and a lot more de ja vu then I want to have.  We wont prevent obviously but I"m going to take a break from the ovulation tests timed sex ect;  Play by the old rule if it happens it happens. 

Ezekiel is growing like a weed and its amazing to see his character come out.  He is the sweetest little boy in the world; he is full of love, hugs and kisses for us.  He really just melts my heart.  Today I took him to a Play area in a local mall and just watched him run around and play and it struck me that two years ago I really didn't think I would ever be able to be here.  I really wondered and questioned if we would in fact get pregnant.  Yes I had the promises of God there and I was holding onto those but the doubts plagued me daily.  And as I watched him today I was overcome with gratitude.  Gratitude that God gave me an amazing son that is running around playing at toys turning around to smile at me and make sure I'm watching.  And in that moment I truly realize how blessed I am.  Yes I have known, and continue to know every single day but feel even more grateful then before. 

I daily want to seek out new adventures with him.  Let him explore and discover the world with me by his side to protect him while I can because one day sooner than I'd like he will spread his wings and not need me quite as much.  Isaac made a joke the other day on only 15 more years till he can drive and my immediate response was Oh my gosh that's so soon!!!   He just laughed at me but that's truly how I feel I feel like it all flies by so fast and that in a blink of an eye it will be gone.  So I want to cherish every single moment of it.  Cherish every second.

In two weeks we will be flying to visit my best friend and her new little one.  I'm both nervous and excited about traveling with Ezekiel by myself.  Thankfully he's such a chill baby I really do not foresee any issues but you never know.  I'm just hoping with everything being so new he'll want to just stay by me and look around versus run around all over exploring.  So we shall see how that goes.

Promises

It's been quite a while since I've had time to write.  The month of August literally feels like it was nonstop. Let's see what are the highlights of this month?
~Ezekiel is now walking
~He has 9 teeth with a 10th on the way
~I bought tickets to go visit one of my best friends in Oklahoma who had her baby(I will be flying alone with Ezekiel and am a little nervous)

That about sums up August in the "events" category.  But when it comes to beyond that I just feel like I'm entering a time of transition.  I am not exactly sure what yet.  Part of me wonders at it, is excited for it and the other part of me is nervous.  Even though I don't know yet what it is I just feel it coming. 

I'll be honest as I'm sure a lot of you readers can guess the biggest part of me is hoping its a new little one being added to the family.  So far I have a lot of peace when it comes to that but I also feel  like its even more than that.  Like I feel like God is about to rock our world in a wonderful way but I'm not quite sure how.  I can't explain this feeling but its there.

~~~Trigger Warning for all my readers dealing with infertility~~~And It's about to get spiritual~~~
Last month when I was in the process of loosing the pregnancy that we had miraculously obtained I sat back and just looked at everything.  I looked at it all not with sadness but amazement.  Here I had given up all hope of ever conceiving on my own without medical intervention.  And yet even though it did not stay we received a miracle.  I then felt, as I often have Not only God's presence but Nathan's.  It's been a very long time since I have felt Nathan there with me.  God then spoke to my heart saying that Nathan knows the calling that was placed on his life was unfilled and if we should choose to accept it the next child we have can have that mantel/calling placed upon them.  If we choose not to accept it God will not withhold his blessing, but if we choose to accept it with that comes responsibilities.  I then saw as clear as day a church service from my youth, a guest speaker was there praying over my mother.  He told her: "Your youngest son will have the fire of God burning in his eyes.  Demons shall quake in fear from the power of the Lord that manifests itself in him....."There was a lot more but that phrase always stuck out to me.  I was then reminded when Nathan was just 4 years old He had been talking to my parents about spiritual gifts and what they entail.  They got to speaking about the gift of speaking in tongues and Nathan was asking how he could get that gift.  He then told my parents he had been seeing demons watching him when he was alone.(This is powerful stuff coming from a 4 year old but for me not surprising since I was little I was very open to that stuff as well and was able to see and understand things adult minds has since grown out of or closed to).  They told him all he needed to do was ask and pray and God would protect him, I honestly don't think they even remember him talking to them about that, since I told them what he told me: I went to the bathroom and I was peeing and saw skulls and demons all staring at me so I prayed in tongues and they all went away!!!!  He was so excited!  He at 4 years old had not only received a spiritual gift his young mind had wanted but he had also expelled fear and demons.  That is one very powerful mantel.  So if we were to choose to accept this it would be our responsibility to not only raise this child(boy or girl) into a fine young human but at even a young age we will be responsible for them spiritually.  Teaching them how to use the gifts that God has given them.  How to grow...but also it will be our duty to fight for them spiritually always.  This battle will not end.  And yes I know we are always supposed to stand up pray and fight for our kids but this is a different battle.  For those of you who have ever done true intersession you know what I am talking about it weighs on you, heavy and hard and it would always be there.  This is the responsibility that comes with raising this world changer.  So I talked to Isaac and wear re still praying about it.  Believing we are getting pregnant as we speak but waiting for God to give us the strength and know how of what's to come if we do accept this mantel.  In that time that God was speaking all this to my heart I could feel Nathan's blessing there.  I know part of me wants to jump up and say yes this is it we will do it simply because it was Nathan's but the other part of me is reserved knowing this really is not a task to be taken lightly.  I saw that mantel on that young 4 year old and I saw what happened when he didn't know how to use it or fight it. 

God I ask for you to continue to place on Isaac and I's heart the correct way to go with this.  I know you have truly given us the choice and with that choice comes sacrifice.  I am so honored that you feel we ourselves can do it, I'm sure Nathan helped you with that one.  But Lord let us not take this decision lightly.  Help us to continue to seek after you in this and to truly understand what that sacrifice means.  We praise you for it Lord.  ~Amen


Whew yes I know that got really deep but I feel like two things come from that: One God is giving us another child.  Two- they will be a world changer

I'm currently about 7 days past ovulation and have the same exact thing happening as happened last time, I started bleeding heavy on and off where when its bleeding its like faucet has been switched on but will all the sudden stop.  This started yesterday and today seems to be tapering off.  Last time it was 3 days so I'm praying this might be implantation bleeding again.  I seem to get that with each of the 3 pregnancies I have.  Wow 3 pregnancies and only one baby so far.  But I have peace beyond measure that if I get pregnant this time that God's hand will be on it just like He was for Ezekiel.  I can't explain it but I just know that he sees us, sees what we are doing and is going to bless us!

Victory within the storm

This morning I woke up to a temperature dip along with heavier spotting to where I can tell that full flow will be starting very soon.  So it wasn't a surprise to me when I got the call from the Midwives that my blood work did show pregnancy but that it wasn't looking like it was viable since the numbers where so low: Beta 6.1 and I took another HPT just to see it coincide together and it was negative so everything was working together to definitely confirm what I had a feeling on with the chemical pregnancy. 

How am I feeling?  To be honest I'm feeling just so grateful that I was able to get pregnant!  I feel beyond amazed that we were actually able to get pregnant on our own.  But I also feel like part of me expected for me to have a cp.  It was two years ago just one week apart we had gotten the positive HPT only to find that the BETA was going down and we had gotten the positive right when getting back from the beach.  So it is just all major de ja vu.  I did go buy some coq10 in order to help with some egg development maybe we will actually have a shot of getting pregnant again before the appointment in October.  Over all we are just so incredibly excited about thing normalizing for us.  That's it I wanted to give the update. 

I serve a God of Miracles

I am once again reminded that I serve a God of miracles.  Before we left to go on vacation I was talking to my boss telling her about how we scheduled with the Dr in October to try and go on fertility meds.  She looked at me and said who knows Devin maybe it will happen before then.  I shook my head and said no, no way.  I know for sure I need the fertility meds to be able to get pregnant again.  For me not to need them it would literally take a miracle.  I feel like God heard that and decided to show off a little bit:

Still very light, very early, well not very early I suppose but kind of.  I ovulated on July 25th we left for vacation the 29th on July 30th I began spotting, this is normal for me, I normally get AF just 3-4 days past ovulation.  So I wasn't surprised when on Sunday the 31st I began my period.  But it wasn't normal.  I was bleeding just off and on for 3 days.  Like it would 100% stop then all the sudden it would pick back up again.  My temp never went down so just overall I was very very confused.  I told Isaac if this is my period it was only 3 days and that's not normal for me but it's way too early for implantation bleeding.  So I took a pregnancy test and it was negative.  So I decided to continue enjoying the beech.  Continue charting and see what went on.  Well my temps never dropped, I began to get nauseous and heartburn....little things that I didn't really think was a big deal.  The nausea could be from sinus drainage I have the heartburn from all the junk food I was eating while on vacation because I've been doing so well.  Upon coming home I got really nauseous so much so that I ran into the bathroom feeling like I might throw up.  But then I though something is weird I'm going to take another test and low and behold a very very faint line showed up.  I yelled at Isaac downstairs to get up here that i think I'm making it up.  He came upstairs believing it was a practical joke.  When he saw it he was beyond amazed.  He prayed over us and began crying.  He was just so excited. 

This morning though I woke up with a little bit of spotting.  My temp is still up and the HPT is still positive and even a little darker then yesterday though not by much.  I can't say when my period is supposed to start since I normally would have gotten it by now, so I guess tomorrow since I'm 14 days past ovulation today. So I called the midwives to see if I can get a Beta test done asap and to check my progesterone to see if I need to be back on that, just waiting to hear back from them. 

Either way this is just such an incredible victory.  I was able to get pregnant on my own.  And even with the light spotting I must remind myself that I serve a God of miracles if he allowed this to happen then if he wants it to stay it will stay.  I can do absolutely nothing to help the situation.  So therefor I will surrender it all over to him.  He gave us a miracle, something I never thought was possible.  I got pregnant on my own.  With Ezekiel I bled and I bled a lot so I really have to just surrender to Him.

"God you see our hearts.  You see that we are amazed and blessed by your faithfulness.  You took my unmeant challenge and decided to show your awesome power.  God we surrender the outcome of this pregnancy to you.  You are in control of every single part of it.  Lord we know that you are good.  You are faithful always even when we are not.  So Lord we surrender everything over to you.  I ask for guidance and wisdom when it comes to this situation.  I ask for your blessing and guidance.  If you want this child to come into the world so let it be.  "Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me."  John 14:1  "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God" Philipians 4:6
 This is so much easier said than done.  God I ask that you would guide my heart and my hands in this Lord.  In your holy and matchless name I pray Lord. You gave us this miracle and you alone can sustain it.  I know your thoughts are higher than my own, your plans for us better than we could even come up with on our own.  So Lord we surrender to you in all things.  We give all over to you.  I thank you for your wisdom ~Amen.
As I type this the midwives MD called me back she is going to have me go in for a blood work Beta today and if the numbers are showing positive then back in on Wednesday to confirm viability or chemical.  So as soon as little guy works from his nap I will be heading out to go get the blood work done.  Which I hear him stirring so I'll be back later to finish. 

The beach was amazing