Cycle Day 12 Ultra sound: Round 2 of treatment

So I was really setting myself up for bad news today.  I have been spotting and having cramps for the past three days.  And I feel like my ovaries are swollen so I was thinking I had a cyst.  But nope good news!  I went in today and she found 4 follicles! 

Three on the right measuring 18,13 and 10 ml and one on the left measuring 11ml.  So I will be triggering on Friday.  She said the 18 is already ready and if we wait till Friday to trigger the 13 will be big enough and definitely release and egg as well.  So out of the 4 I will have at least two eggs released!  I've always wanted twins and of course would be thrilled with at least just one healthy baby.    Just the fact that the timing is working out perfect is awesome.  I will be leaving for vacation on Monday following ovulation so that will give me time to just relax and be distracted during most of the two week wait.

I do have to say though that if for some reason God does not deem it time for me to get pregnant that the blow will be even harder since I will have at least two eggs released so that means I will have a bigger chance to get pregnant. 

BUT I will not let myself think negatively now.  I will try to stay positive and focus on the good.  God is in control and just the fact I have reached this step is amazing.

I will however be honest......I'm praying for twins. 

I wish I knew if it was working

I have my cycle Day 12 testing in just a few days.  I really can not tell if its working or not.  My temps have stayed high compared to where they use to drop before ovulation and Ive been having slight spotting today and ovulation cramps.  But I really don't know if this is a good thing or not.  I do know that whenever I have had any type of medication that lowered my estrogen levels I spotted so maybe the Femara lowered it enough that my body is working.  But then the what ifs come to mind of course on what if it isn't working and that is why my temperatures don't drop.  Or what about the cramps and spotting, did I develop a cyst? 

If it doesn't work then what?  Do we try clomid?  If I'm a monster on Femara and that's suppose to have less side effects watch out world.  That will be so scary. 


But one week till vacation.  And I think that will be perfect timing since I will just be heading to the beach for vacation.

Either way I find out in two days. 

I feel like a monster!

I either always feel angry or like  I want to cry.  I can't seem to find a happy medium.  Its so frustrating that I have to put myself into a place like this in order to get my body to work properly.  I think I felt better when I was exercising.  But I've been so exhausted that it's been so hard to get myself to actually get moving.  But I'm going to have to force myself.  I think I'll feel better. 

I just am so tired of feeling angry or sad all the time.  Of constantly feeling like I am not able to have that joy I use to have.  I just want so badly to be my positive optimistic self.  I use to look at the glass as half full now I don't even see it is half empty I see it as just plain empty.  In one week I will be heading to Myrtle Beach and plan on just taking the time to relax and try to recuperate. 

Yesterday I took my last dose of the Femara.  I can feel it definitely working differently than last month.  My ovaries feel swollen and I've been having massive ovary twinges.  But they've all been on my right side and I got the follicle on my left side last month.  Either way I find out on Wednesday.  I will be going in for the cycle day 12 ultrasound to see how many follicles I got and how long they are. 

Let Round Two Begin

So today begins round two of my treatment cycle.  The Pharmacy got everything taken care of with giving me my correct medication.  Actually they didn't charge me since they said it was their mistake so that was a blessing.  Though really it could have been really bad if I had not caught the mistake.

I am going to go back to the minimal processed food, try to drink only water and exercise more.  I do not want to let it kick my butt as much as it did last cycle.  I was so  tired all the time.  But I'm going to try and push through it.

So I just pray that this higher dosage will give me better results.  I go in on Wednesday July 30th for my cycle day 12 ultrasound and blood work.  I hope I get the same ultra sound tech so I can know before waiting for the Dr to have to call me to let me know how everything is going.  But we shall see....either way I will know soon. 

We are go for round 2

I went in this morning for my cycle day 2 blood draw and ultra sound to check and see if I would be able to start a new round of treatment right away.  Thankfully everything was a go.  I had no cysts and my estrogen was low enough for me to get treatment. 

So she is going to put me on a higher dose of Femara this cycle and then after Ovulation I will be doing a double dosage of the progesterone to try and hold off any spotting until my period is ready to come or I become pregnant. 

So after I got the call from the Dr's office saying that they were going to call in my prescription I went to pick it up on my way home from work after the Drs office was already closed.  Well I got home and looked at the bottle the pharmacy gave me and its Provera instead of Femara.  Same dosage and rules as the Femara but its the wrong medication.  So I called the pharmacist and they said they can't change it until they talk to the Dr because they Drs office had called it in and left a message on the voicemail but it was deleted after they listened so they can't recheck but its possible the person listening to the message mistook femara for provera since they sound so close.

So I called the nurses hotline to let them know the wrong medication was given to me and asked them to please call and specify what I actually need since they will not change it without a new script.

On another note I got this email from a friend today:
I wanted to write to tell you something that I understand may be upsetting. I'm pregnant. I wanted to tell before too long goes by, but also wanted to tell you before we're all together in a large group. I understand this can be frustrating and I don't mean to make your situation any harder on you. I will try my best to be sensitive to you and your situation. If you ever feel uncomfortable or frustrated around me, just tell me. 

I responded with: Aww(name) Thank you for including me.  I'm excited for you!  This struggle is hard but it's so amazing to see people I love get blessed in life and children are the most wonderful blessing of all.  And you deserve all the blessings since you two are wonderful Godly people who will raise those kids up to be amazing.  Never feel bad about rejoicing in front of me and please don't feel you have to walk on eggshells.  Ill be fine I promise.  I'm excited God's opened this door for you. 

I really feel this way.  I'm so excited she will be having a baby.  As much as I would love to be the one sharing the news knowing someone I love who is already such an amazing Mom and person and will do just as well with 2 is a blessing.  I may not be getting my bundle of joy yet and it may be years before God sees fit to allow me to experience the joys of pregnancy but it doesn't mean my current journey is any less important or meaningful.  I just have to find the meaning in life every day.

I can say people who know someone is struggling with infertility don't really know how to act around you.  They love you so they want to be sensitive but they aren't sure how far that goes.  They want to rejoice in their own happiness without disturbing yours.  It's so sweet of them but I feel like I can be stealing their joy just by being there sometimes.  So I want to show my support.  Just because I'm struggling doesn't mean I can't be happy for someone else.  Though some days I will be sad and cry I will move on after and grow from it. 

I just want to take advantage of every day and every opportunity as an opportunity to learn.  It's not going to be easy and sometimes I'm going to have to really look hard to try and find that silver lining.  But I'll find it.  With God's help. 

Round 1 of treatment officially ended

So I am officially calling it.  I started my period today.  I called the Dr's office and left a message to set up my cycle day 2 testing tomorrow.  As of right now I feel okay.  I'm not angry or sad at all.  I think cause I knew it was coming.  But I did ask them to talk to my Dr and see if we could put me on a higher dose of the progesterone and the Femara.  So now I'm just waiting for the call back to know what time to go in tomorrow. 

I'm just praying my estrogen levels are not too high to do the treatment and that since I did have a normal Luteal Phase for eh first time in my life maybe I will actually have a shorter period too.

So for now I just wait for the Dr to call. 

On another note I decided its time for a change.  I'm a hair dresser and I have not colored my hair for almost two years so I am back to "virgin hair".  Well the reason I wasn't doing all the other colors I've been wanting to do mainly was just because if I did get pregnant I wouldn't want to color my hair.  But I've been itching for a change so I decided to go ahead and do something exciting and different that I've wanted for months!  So this morning I bleached out the bottom half of my hair and my bangs and on Monday I will be doing a dark blue to aqua fade on the bleached out hair.  I'm super excited.  So hey at least I have something to keep me smiling right now. 

And now we just have 2 weeks before we go to Myrtle Beach!  I'm so excited to get away and escape from it all.  And the timing of my period coming is actually falling into perfection since we will be able to get everything done before Myrtle Beach. 

So Refreshing

This chapter really spoke to me today.  I think because of how emotional I've been and this struggle in general is just so incredibly hard:

Isaiah 55:8-13
“For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways,” says the Lord.
⁹ “For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways,
And My thoughts than your thoughts.

¹⁰ “For as the rain comes down, and the snow from heaven,
And do not return there,
But water the earth,
And make it bring forth and bud,
That it may give seed to the sower
And bread to the eater,
¹¹ So shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth;
It shall not return to Me void,
But it shall accomplish what I please,
And it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it.

¹² “For you shall go out with joy,
And be led out with peace;
The mountains and the hills
Shall break forth into singing before you,
And all the trees of the field shall clap their hands.
¹³ Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress tree,
And instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle tree;
And it shall be to the Lord for a name,
For an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off.”

I know I have had this in my past posts as well.  But those last two verses I have underlined just speak so much truth.  I can have the joy of the Lord no matter what situation or circumstance tries to come against me.  Any trial or obstacle that tries to come against me has no hold and it shall break apart and allow me to walk through.  I think its interesting that in the Bible God mainly speaks to us in parables.  Why is that?  Is it because in our human minds we are so restricted by the laws of physics and what is "normal" that it is hard for us to actually understand the fullness of His Mercy and the fullness of His goodness.  It would be impossible to understand God simply speaking the world into existence...yet it happened.  I was reminded today of Abraham and Sarah.  God had promised them a wife even in their old age.  Sarah had laughed when God told her she would have a son because she was way past due in her physical form of having a child.  But yet it happened.  God blew the physical scientific boundaries.  Something He seems to love doing since we serve a God of miracles. 

My God is greater than anything that would try and come against me.  He is greater than this mountain of infertility.  He is greater than it all.  So all I want to do it trust in Him.  Rely on Him and rest in Him.   And allow Him to blow apart the boundaries I put on myself. 

So whats going on with me?  Well I woke up this morning to another huge temperature drop yet my spotting has lightened and is  almost non existent not gone completely just very light.  But I'm really not fooled.  I think the progesterone is just strong enough to keep it at bay for now.  I go in on Sunday to take the blood pregnancy test as long as the red devil doesn't show up before then.  I kind of hope if it is coming that it will come today or tomorrow that way I can do my cycle day 2/3 blood work on my day off.  Either way I know its out of my control no matter how much I hate that idea.