Still Waiting To Ovulate

So I haven't posted in few days mainly because I don't really feel I have much to say.  We are in the throws of the non medicated cycle.  I'm on cycle day 11 right now.  Still not quite ready to ovulate but  praying it is coming soon.  I have the ovary twinges/cramps that I had after I did the trigger shot with the medication so I'm hoping that is a good sign and my body is trying to ovulate. 

I will be keeping a  close eye on my temperatures and after I confirm ovulation I'm going to use the rest of the progesterone I have to make sure I have a normal 14 day Luteal Phase and try and keep everything on track for if we need another medicated cycle. 

I have had some light spotting going with the cramping but I had the same when I was on the medication too so I'm trying to take it as a good sign but I know my body isn't quite ready to ovulate yet.  But I'm praying even if I do ovulate late and then I use the progesterone it will help keep things on track.  I still have such a hard time believing and thinking that I had a three day period.  I'm really hoping that these medicated cycles bumped everything into how a normal body is suppose to work.  

On a personal note:

My in-laws are going to be getting into town today until Tuesday to help my sister in law move out of our place and into her own apartment. So of course if I do ovulate we will have to do the incognito  bedroom action again.....just our luck.  But as to my sister in law it has been so nice having her here.  But Isaac and I were talking and we have had so much  family coming to stay with us pretty much all year so I think we are ready for some time alone.  At least a few months.  My Dad is talking about coming out for one of the holidays. 

So I guess I'll keep my fingers crossed and wait and see. 

Healing and Acceptance

I feel so much better than I had.  I feel like allowing myself those few days to really grieve and really let it out has allowed me to feel so much better.  I am ready to move forward and start towards our family. 

I found joy in pulling out my little baby blanket and knitting it this afternoon.  I am determined now more than ever to press on.  To keep a smile on my face and go forward pressing into the promises that have been given to me.

I feel like the best way to describe how I feel right now completely is acceptance.  I have accepted that this is a journey and it is a tough one and an emotional one.  And one that I will endure.  I want to look back on this and see growth.  I want to pull as much good out of it as possible.  I'm excited to see what the future holds.

For one brief moment I was able to be pregnant to experience that joy.  Even though I lost it and am so disappointed by it when the time comes and I experience it again I do not want to allow myself to to expect the same.  I can not allow this to mar my future.  For my next pregnancy will not be the same as this one.  I will believe hope and pray for victory.   

Devotion

"By faith Sarah herself received power to conceive, even when she was past the age, since she considered him faithful who had promised."  Hebrews 11:11

"If we are faithless, he remains faithful— for he cannot deny himself." 2 Timothy 2:13

No matter how I feel right now He is faithful.  There is not denying that.  Over and over and over again He has proven this in my life.  

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart."  Jeremiah 29:11-13

"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33


Going through this right now will make it even more incredibly special when the time comes.  Even if I feel sad or upset at certain moments that is okay.  I not only have hope but I have faith.  I know my God is faithful even in the midst of a world full of unfaithfulness.  He is always there for us. 

"Ah, Lord God! It is you who have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and by your outstretched arm! Nothing is too hard for you." Jeremiah 32:17

"Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."  Romans 5:1-5

We are going to have our baby.  We are going to get that beautiful son, our beautiful adopted children.  We will have our family:

"God is not man, that he should lie, or a son of man, that he should change his mind. Has he said, and will he not do it? Or has he spoken, and will he not fulfill it?" Numbers 23:19

A while ago I put away the blanket I was knitting  by faith for our baby to be.  It was getting hard to knit it with a smile.  It had turned from a thing of joy to a thing of depression just a reminder of failure after failure.  But now that I actually got my first ever positive pregnancy test I feel I need to pull it out again.  I need to knit each row knowing and believing that my baby is coming.  I will be holding them soon.  God will not lie.  He will hold fast to His promises.  No matter how dark the valley He will walk us through it.  

"And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you." Psalm 9:10  

"Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:23

"The works of his hands are faithful and just; all his precepts are trustworthy; they are established forever and ever, to be performed with faithfulness and uprightness. He sent redemption to his people; he has commanded his covenant forever. Holy and awesome is his name!"  Psalm 111:7-9 

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

"Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever. Give thanks to the God of gods, for his steadfast love endures forever. Give thanks to the Lord of lords, for his steadfast love endures forever; to him who alone does great wonders, for his steadfast love endures forever; to him who by understanding made the heavens, for his steadfast love endures forever" Psalm 136:1-2

Psalm 40^[a]

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

¹ I waited patiently for the Lord;
    he turned to me and heard my cry.
² He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
    out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
    and gave me a firm place to stand.
³ He put a new song in my mouth,
    a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
    and put their trust in him.

⁴ Blessed is the one
    who trusts in the Lord,
who does not look to the proud,
    to those who turn aside to false gods.^[b]
5 Many, Lord my God,
    are the wonders you have done,
    the things you planned for us.
None can compare with you;
    were I to speak and tell of your deeds,
    they would be too many to declare.

⁶ Sacrifice and offering you did not desire—
    but my ears you have opened^[c]—
    burnt offerings and sin offerings^[d] you did not require.
⁷ Then I said, “Here I am, I have come—
    it is written about me in the scroll.^[e]
8 I desire to do your will, my God;
    your law is within my heart.”

⁹ I proclaim your saving acts in the great assembly;
    I do not seal my lips, Lord,
    as you know.
¹⁰ I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;
    I speak of your faithfulness and your saving help.
I do not conceal your love and your faithfulness
    from the great assembly.

¹¹ Do not withhold your mercy from me, Lord;
    may your love and faithfulness always protect me.
¹² For troubles without number surround me;
    my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
    and my heart fails within me.
¹³ Be pleased to save me, Lord;
    come quickly, Lord, to help me.

¹⁴ May all who want to take my life
    be put to shame and confusion;
may all who desire my ruin
    be turned back in disgrace.
¹⁵ May those who say to me, “Aha! Aha!”
    be appalled at their own shame.
¹⁶ But may all who seek you
    rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who long for your saving help always say,
    “The Lord is great!”

¹⁷ But as for me, I am poor and needy;
    may the Lord think of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
    you are my God, do not delay.

So Much Grief

I didn't even care I was getting wet when I walked out of work tonight and the rain was starting.  I felt like the sky was crying with me.  My heart was just aching today.  And an inner rage was storming through me.

I tried to hide behind statistics and medical terms but when it comes down to it I lost the baby I was so looking forward to holding.  I was so incredibly excited for a few days.  I could not believe I had finally been given what was promised to me; then in a blink of an eye it was stolen from me.  I am so angry!  My God who is a miracle worker and who allows nothing to happen without His permission allowed this.  I am hurt.  I feel betrayed.  Yes I know in my heart of hearts that His plans are bigger and I don't see the big picture but it does not keep these emotions from raging.

I came home from work tonight and just lost it.  It was the first time I cried since it happened.  For the first time ever in this long two year journey we finally had victory.  I finally felt that joy that I had been waiting so long to feel.

Is this going to mar the next time I finally get my Positive Test.  Am I going to be fearful the entire time that this too will be snatched from me? 

I just want to kick and scream and cry and say ~F~ you world.  I am just so incredibly upset.  I feel my my entire vacation was a waste.  I went to allow myself to get away from it all and just enjoy everything I get back and just a few days later everything seems to come crashing down.


I want to just curl up into a hole.  A deep dark hole where there is nothing but silence.  Nothing but an opportunity to have stillness and quite.  I just want so badly to move on.  To act like nothing ever happened- but I can't.  It did.  I feel a void in my heart right now that I'm not sure anything will be able to fill until I am holding my own beautiful baby.

I think this is part of the healing process.  I think I was just in so much shock before I didn't know what to think.  I want to move on and heal.

God you see my heart and my emotions and all those things that come to my mind now.  I know there is healing in opening up.  I don't even know what to pray but I know you see my heart and my mind and I ask for your peace.  In your holy name Amen.

Hopeful for this unmedicated cycle

I am hopeful for this month to actually have a normal cycle.  A cycle where I ovulate at a normal time with a normal luteal phase and hopefully a pregnancy.  I normally have a very long light period for 9 days then heavy the last 2 but I've been bleeding extremely heavy the past two days.  So I'm thinking that hopefully this will be a 4 day one like the last two medicated cycles.  I sure hope so cause that will be amazing. 

I decided to create a group on Baby Center I'm not going to go into a ton of detail on it tonight but feel free to check it out:

http://community.babycenter.com/groups/a6756796/prayer_and_positivity_for_those_ttc_or_who_are_pregnant

I'm having a really hard time getting my thoughts together, so I think before I start rambling like a crazy person I'm going to go ahead and call it a night. 

On To the Next Cycle

My period started this morning.  I'm actually very relieved.  I know some of my friends who had chemical pregnancies and it took a while for their periods to actually come.  I think if that happened it would make it harder emotionally.  But at least this way it is started and is done and we are on our way to the next cycle.

I feel very optimistic that we will be getting pregnant soon.  If this happened on our first full working treatment cycle the next one will just be even better.

I'm hoping that this will kind of jump start my cycle so that I will actually have a normal cycle like I'm suppose to with ovulation in the middle and a normal luteal phase.  We decided we are still going to try next month either way.  That is as long as I actually ovulate when I'm suppose to. 

I'm just going to be doing whatever I can to up my chances to start the next treatment cycle. 

Not Our Time

So the spotting came back and had continued.  Though the cramping wasn't like anything I've been experiencing before.  I went in this morning for another blood test and decided to take another pregnancy test too while I waited.  Well the pregnancy test came back negative.  I kind of knew most likely I wasn't in for good news.

My Beta # dropped to 4 ending this in a chemical pregnancy.

Honestly I'm okay.  I didn't think I would be, but I think the spotting and tests not getting darker had me kind of suspecting it.  The Dr wants us to take a month off and then we can try again.  I'm really hoping this cycle will be short and not be as long as it normally would be.  Hopefully this makes everything line up as it would for a normal cycle.

How am I feeling:

I know I'm going to have my ups and downs.  I think the only way to describe how I feel right now is peace.  I know I saw positive pregnancy tests.  I know I had that excited feeling but I was having such a hard time believing it was real.  Part of me wants to go in that direction, in thinking it wasn't real since it is easier to accept heal and move on if I do not think of this as an actual pregnancy even though I know it was.  

It helps to take it in knowing I was having my tests not show or get lighter.  And then when I woke up this morning to a negative test and spotting and I just knew that I wasn't going to get a good answer, though I was hoping against all hope that I would.  I feel relieved that it happened now and didn't wait till a baby was forming.  I feel sad that I had to tell my husband he wasn't going to be a Daddy yet after all.  I think I was more worried for him than me on the emotional scale.  Mainly because I could feel and see what was happening with my body so I knew something was happening that I was pretty sure wasn't supposed to be.  Where he couldn't he could only go by what I was saying and try and think positively. 

For now we take a month off then try again.  So what am I going to do in this month?  I'm going to enjoy every second of it.  While getting things ready for next cycle: I'm going to run, eat healthy, cut back on my caffeine.   I want to allow God to heal what needs healed and if I feel the need to grieve (which I know I will at some point) I want to allow myself to grieve.  We will have our baby just not yet.