Peace

My heart is so much at peace.  Despite how badly I want this and my heart craves this I have so much peace that I know if it doesn't happen I will not be devastated.  Disappointed yes, but not crushed.  I think it helps knowing I'm sitting down with the doctor in a little less than two weeks in order to discuss the next steps if this cycle doesn't work.  So I won't feel like I'm flying blind.  It will be really good to just sit down and talk with the Dr about everything.

Good News On Bloodwork

This is going to be a slightly random and sporadic post:

I went in this morning for more blood work in order to see if I was surging or going to ovulate on my own.  And looks like I am.  So they told me not to trigger since there is no need.  So we will do timed intercourse tonight, tomorrow and Wednesday.

So how am I feeling?  I'm trying to stay positive and know that God is in control.  I just want to completely trust Him.  I want to have a long enough luteal phase.  I'm just gonna believe that God is in control.

I've been running and exercising regularly but after I ovulate I'm going to stop and let myself just take the two weeks off.  I don't want to risk doing anything that could possibly hinder implantation.  I also am trying to cut back on the caffeine but it is so hard!  I have gotten myself to drinking at least 15 ounces of espresso a day along with a cup or two of coffee and I know I can't do that.  So I'm cutting back to half right now and slowly going to make it full.  But man it is so hard. 

My sister bought me an essential oils kit and sent it along with some info on how essential oils can help aid fertility.   Here is the link in case anyone is interested:  http://natural-fertility-info.com/fertility-essential-oils.html

So I don't have all of these but I have been using the ones I have that can help increase fertility , but after ovulation I'll be stopping that too. 

Edit:
So I thought I was out of opks but I dug through my bathroom on the hunt and found a few more wondafos took it and sure enough

Still In The Race

So I went in for my cycle day 12 ultrasound and didn't have any matured follicles yet.  I have a total of 8 semi forming but only two are actually seeming to want to mature.  One measured at 11 ml and one at 12ml.  But I'm not out of the race yet.  I'll be heading back to the Dr's office on Monday and they will run blood work.  I'm assuming to find out if I am surging or to check my estrogen levels and what not.  I guess we will find out. 

I still feel good.  Frustrated but determined.  I just wish I could be pregnant and have that joy  of starting a family sooner rather than later.  I start to ask myself when do I say enough.  But not yet.   I don't want to give up.   I feel so at peace with where we are right now.   And for now I will just follow the peace.  It was one thing to say okay three sessions that's it then adoption, but I really am not there yet.  I want to do whatever I can short of  IVF (not because I do not believe in IVF, but because I would rather use that money towards something I know for sure would get me a family-adoption-verses just a chance.)   I'm not done running this race.  I'm not willing to give up yet.  One step at a time.  Deep breaths.  The slow and steady win the race.

Now  I just need the positivity to get through it. 

Joy In This Journey

I really can not explain the change; all I can do is attribute it to an answer of prayer.  I feel so incredibly excited and happy about this month.  About this whole journey.  About where I am in life.  About it all.  It's as if a veil has been torn from my eyes and I see the world with the beauty that is truly there.  It was so easy to get into the woe is me, poor me, how horrible this is attitude.

But right now I feel like I'm seeing the world through a fresh set of eyes and it is amazing!  It's invigorating.  I don't know what to say.   All I can say is I'm determined to not let this journey ruin who I was or rather who I am or who I want to become.  I am a woman of God.  I am a positive, joyful person.  And I want that joy to radiate through me every day. 

 Proverbs 17:22 
 NIV-A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.

NLT-A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit saps a person's strength.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-22 
Be joyful always; 17 pray continually; 18 give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 19 Do not put out the Spirit's fire; 20 do not treat prophecies with contempt. 21 Test everything. Hold on to the good. 22 Avoid every kind of evil. 

Matthew 15:11
It’s not what goes into your mouth that defiles you; you are defiled by the words that come out of your mouth.

Romans 8:28-31
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.  For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.  And those he predestined, he also called;those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified. What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?  


Ephesians 4:31-32
Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. 

Philippians 4:6
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 

Sometimes when those moments grab you and all you want to do is scream at the world and say F- you!  When you see those who don't deserve to be parents with children or you see yet another end to a disappointing month.  In the end it is your actions that will bring on your attitude.  This isn't to say I won't have negative thoughts.  Cause believe me oh I will.  I will still get sad or upset.  But it's what I do during those times that will determine how my mind and body respond.

It reminds me of what James talked about in the Bible (James 3) where a tiny little rudder moves a whole ship, and just a little spark can set a whole forest aflame.  So my words can control my attitude, my mind and how I feel.  If I start thinking how unjust, unfair, angry, bitter ect; ect; that I am then I will begin to feel that way.  How can I find my joy in that?  I can't all I can do is lay it at the alter and continue on.

I don't know what my future has in store.  But I'm excited to find out. 

Lost Along The Way

Somewhere in this journey I got lost.  I started to feel like a victim, and to see myself that way.  I lost a lot of self esteem because I felt broken and incomplete.  I began to take out my frustrations in other ways: mistrust in others, negativity, pessimism, ect;   But this isn't me.  This isn't who I want to be. 

I married my best friend 5 years ago and to this day he is still my best friend, and he is enough.  Everything else that comes along in life is just a bonus.  Ive been so focused on myself during this time: how I feel, how things are hurting or bothering me, how Isaac is always there for me, what comes next, my body, my this my that... I kind of lost sight that I'm not walking this journey alone.  I may be carrying the weight.  But I'm not alone.  My husband needs as much love and support as I do on this stuff.  He is always strong for me but I need to be strong for him.  I need to stop throwing myself little pitty parties and get up and move on.  Am I having a hard time getting pregnant?  Yes, but so what.  I am married to the love of my life and get to come home every day to a happy peaceful place.  I am blessed.  I am so blessed.

Somewhere in this journey of losing myself I feel I lost part of my identity.  I use to always see the positive and immediately correspond any negative even from my own lips with a positive.  Now don't get me wrong I don't want to live naively I know that some negatives are just straight poop with nothing beautiful about them.  But I want to view the world for what it truly is.  God hasn't wiped us off the face of the earth despite how corrupt we have become because there is hope for change.  There is beauty even in the darkest places and I want to see it.

Heavenly Father you have blessed me with more than I could ever ask or think of for myself.  I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful home, all that I need and more.  I thank you for that.  I ask that you would guide me.  Help me to love like you love.  Help me to see all situations as you do through your eyes.  Thank you Lord.  ~Amen

This isn't going to be an easy overnight change.  I'm changing my whole way of thinking and responding.  I've had over 2 years to get myself into this state but I know with His help I can change.  I have the joy of the Lord to guide me every day....even in the darkest times He is there.

But let all who take refuge in you rejoice; let them ever sing for joy, and spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may exult in you. Psalm 5:11

Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD GOD is an everlasting rock. Isaiah 26:4

This God–his way is perfect;the word of the LORD proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him. Psalm 18:30

I will not allow this journey to steal who I am.  I will learn from it and grow from it.  The Bible warns us what can happen if we don't:

It is better to live in a corner of a roof Than in a house shared with a contentious woman.
 Proverbs 21:9

I never want my house to become like this.   I want only His love going forward.  I see the light at the end of the path.  I just have to get there.   

I Serve A God Of Miracles

I was on my way to work and I heard a testimony come on the radio that just really spoke to me.  I'm going to try and give the shorter but to the point story:  It was a retired soldier who was sent overseas to serve in one of the wars that were taking place.  He was bunk mates with another man from another country who was a Christian and was very open about his love for Christ.  Because of this their general(who was an atheist) would really pick on this other soldier every opportunity he was given.  This particular soldier was unable to drive so the general in front of all the chief of staff wanted to use this opportunity to put down this soldier and show his incompetence.  So he told this young man to get in the hum-v and move it to a certain space while they all watched on.  The young man gets in the hum-v bows his head and prays aloud.  He asked God to give him the strength to do this and to do it correctly.  He started the hum-v and without incident was able to move it exactly where he was asked to move it.  When he got out the general came up to him and said in front of everyone.  I want to serve the God that your serving.  Come here I have something to show you.  He took the young man to the front of the hum-v and lifted the hood.  There was no engine in the car.  God heard the cry and the faith of  this young man and miraculously started the car engine and allowed it to move despite their being no way for it to take place.   

Miracles happen every day.  It's by faith....its stated so many times in the Bible.  That young man knew that the car would start.  He knew that it could be moved and it did move.   When did I lose my childlike faith?  I don't know if I have shared this with any of you readers but almost 10 years ago I used to live overseas as a missionary(it's actually where I met my husband).  During that time I was privileged to witness miracles.   I was able to be an instrument and tool that the Lord used in order to see some of these things take place.  I have seen demon's cast out, tumors disappear miraculously.  I have seen those hurting and broken made whole.  I have seen it time and time again.  But since then in the midst of the fires it slowly chipped away at my faith.  But God never changed....I did.  I know that the God who did miracles in the Bible is still the same God that I serve.  But He had said: 

Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. John 14:12

I want to get back to that childlike faith.  Even since I've been married and and adult I may not have seen the open miracles like I saw when living overseas but I know they exist on a daily basis. 

Now Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.  Hebrews 11:1

So then just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strenghtened in faith as you were taught and overflowing with thankfulness. Colossians 2:6-7

This is one that I feel I have to repeat to myself every day now:

Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong. 1 Corinthians 16:13

He is always faithful.  Time and time again He has provided for us miraculously.  God I want that childlike faith again.  Just like a child jumping off a couch into her daddies arms they know they will be caught and they leap without reservation laughing and giggling the whole time.  I want that with you.  I want to leap without thinking or second guessing.  I want to be a blessing to others with it.  God I want to be a blessing to others.  But I think on top of that I want to be able to believe and leap with faith knowing you will give us the child we were promised.  You will bring Ezekiel into this world.  It will happen.  We will have our family.  We will take in the orphans, the hurting and the broken.

Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world. James 1:27


God at this point right at this moment I don't care when it happens as long as it happens in your timing.  God we are following your leading and walking through the doors you open for us.  I ask that you would guide us completely.  Show us how far we walk down this path before we turn and continue down the other.  God I know that you see the big picture you always have.  You are a God of miracles and there are so many women who are out their who know and believe your word: 


There will be no miscarriages or infertility in your land, and I will give you long, full lives. Exodus 23:26

God that is a pure and undefiled promise for it came from you.  You who are the God of miracles.  You spoke the entire universe into existence.  You know us all by name.  You paint the sunsets every evening.  
"Are not two sparrows sold for a cent? And yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. "But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. "So do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows.  Mathew 10:29-31

God if you take care of all of that, how can I not believe you will give me a child, or not even just one but many! 
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, So are the children of one's youth. How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them; They will not be ashamed When they speak with their enemies in the gate.  Psalm 127:4-5

No more doubt not more unbelief.  

But having the same spirit of faith, according to what is written, "I BELIEVED, THEREFORE I SPOKE," we also believe, therefore we also speak, knowing that He who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and will present us with you.…2 Corinthians 4:13-14

He is always the same.  It's when it happens not if it happens.

The same goes for you ladies out there struggling with fertility.  God sees your hearts and He sees your desires.  He is a good God who gives us our hearts desires:

Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD, Trust also in Him, and He will do it.  Psalm 34:4-5

This is His promise to us.  It will happen for you ladies.  This is a hard journey.  Something so overwhelming, but no one said that faith was easy.  Actually it is quite the opposite that is why it is faith.  But because of that when the victory comes it is that much sweeter. 

I serve a God of miracles.  And He is bringing my miracle to me.  I know it.  I do not doubt it.  My family is coming.  And I will persevere every day until it is here. 

On to Treatment cycle number 3

So I went in today for my baseline testing for my third treatment cycle.  My period still isn't as heavy as I would like it to be.  I'm hoping it wont be 11 days but maybe more than 3 like last month.  My lining was still thicker than she wants to see at 8 cm and I also still had a follicle left over at 12mm.  So I will be doing Femara but I will do it from cycle day 5 till 9 instead of 3 to 7.  I will still be going back in on cycle day 12 to see the growth and look back over the lining. 

I'm so excited to get back into a treatment cycle.  I know we only missed one but knowing that things will be controlled brings so much peace of mind.  I love it!

God has been placing a lot of things in my heart and on my mind recently.  I will definitely need an entire post to say it all.