Happy Birthday Little Angel

Yesterday I started writing this blog post but wasn't able to finish.  Yesterday our angel baby would have been turning a year old.  It's amazing to me that even though we were only pregnant for about 4/5 weeks that I can not get that due date out of my head.  The could haves the what ifs coming to mind.  Would it have been a boy or girl?  Would Ezekiel have an older brother or sister.  All these things coming into mind.  But then I'm reminded of the beautiful miracle I have upstairs napping in his crib.  How I am beyond blessed at my handsome son.

I'll say it again I am beyond blessed.  But that being said it doesn't make your heart not feel for the one that didn't make it, especially now knowing how very precious life really is.  There is nothing better than being a Mom.  It is the best thing I have ever had to do.

Soon it will be Mother's Day and the first Mother's day where I will be a Mom through and through and I can not wait to celebrate it.  To celebrate every second of it with lots of hugs and kisses with my family.  The cry of my heart truly is that God would help us to raise Ezekiel up into a loving caring child.  That he would seek the Lord with all his heart and realize at a young age just how amazing our God truly is.  I want to be able to be the best Mom possible that I can be for him.

This week(tomorrow actually) also marks Nathan's birthday.  The second one he will not be able to celebrate with us.  I know my family, my parents especially, are hurting.  And I wish I could give them all huge hugs right now and lots of love.

But Nathan will be having his own little party in heaven.  I know my Dad is having a hard time letting go and letting things get easier.  He feels guilty when he is happy and enjoying life.  He has read every book he can get his hands on about dealing with grief and says he knows it is just part of the grieving process.  But I just wish he could let himself experience joy.  Let himself experience peace.  He doesn't have to torture himself with the I wish I would have done this.......  But it's an easier said than done experience.   And I know everyone experiences grief differently.

On another brighter note.  I can't believe I'm even saying this but I sent out Ezekiel's 1st birthday invitations today!  I'm so excited that my Mom and Dad are both flying in for the party.  It will be so good to celebrate the life and milestone together.

I decided we are going to do a peach party theme.  So it will be fun times and yes I shall post pictures when the time comes.

The Future

Why do we put so much stock in the future over the present?  Why not live every day in the moment?  Is it because we are survivors? Trained to every day push harder, be better, make more money, do this do that.  The never ending perpetual wheel.

Where am I going with this?  Well I feel like my last post I had to just end it abruptly without getting into depth of what is on my heart:  both adoption and being pregnant.

So where do I actually stand?  Do I actually HAVE to make a choice?  The answer is no.  I can have both and that is actually what I want.  I want to have another baby and I would love to get pregnant right now but that being said if I was forced to make a choice.  If I was forced to decide between getting pregnant again or taking in one of those little ones that are already here and need love I would choose the latter.  I would adopt.  But Isaac and I both feel called to adopt, this will not change.  And the more we talk about it the more we know without a doubt this is what we are definitely called to do.  But it is scary thinking about doing that and having two babies as well, or at least to him it is.  If I had my way my house would already be full of children.  Overflowing from the brim.

James 1:27 Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

This this is my heart through and through.  No questioning it.  I want to love those who feel unlovable even though that is all they are.  God had put this feeling just so very strong in my heart and I know there is a reason for this.  So why did I get angry at Isaac after our conversation because I wanted his heart to be at the same place and the more we talk the more I'm realizing something.  His heart is there but he is afraid.  But not in a bad way.  He wants to love these children and take them all in the same as myself but what if he doesn't connect, what if they aren't happy with us.  Things I don't even think about though I'm sure I should.  But I think part of me says it doesn't matter because really all they need is love.

Where does this leave us?  The same place we where.  We plan on in another year to a year and a half starting the adoption process and expanding our family regardless on if we get pregnant again or not.  We will move forward in the way God calls us to.  

For now I believe that is all I really have to say but I do hope that brought some clarification on some things. I just want so badly to continue to be a mother and grow our family.  Currently I'm trying to pay off as much debt as possible in order to make it easier when the time comes.  So we can better provide for the children that will need it so badly and until that day comes I will try to live day by day.  

APRIL is INFERTILITY awareness month- and I have some things I want to share so bare with me as I ramble: For those who struggled with infertility we all know that feeling doesn't just go away when you overcome and finally get your miracle. You can feel sudden and unwelcome jealousy when you see a pregnant person even if your are 100% happy with where you are right now it can just hit you out of the blue. Or unbidden you may get that twinge of annoyance, jealousy or sadness when a friend or family member who doesn't know your struggle or who doesn't share it tells you they are pregnant even though you are so incredibly happy for them so then you deal with with guilt for even feeling jealous, and you have guilt from feeling selfish. But then when you know someone who did struggle with it and you find out they overcame you get so happy for them you begin to cry because you know just how hard it was to overcome that battle yourself. You fight daily with emotions that seem to battle within themselves. You fight with how you think you should feel even though you don't. As an example, and I'm about to get really open here, We said we were never going to try to prevent getting pregnant since it took us 2 years 3 months and one miscarriage (who would have been celebrating their 1st birthday this month) to get pregnant with Ezekiel but then when my lovely cycles returned at just 12 weeks post pardum I was so not ready for another baby and it was such a hard thing to come to terms with I dealt daily with the guilt of wanting to prevent something that I fought so hard to have to begin with. But then as my cycles continued on a month to month basis we discovered my body had gone right back to what it was pre-fertility treatments and I mean EXACT same issues so in order for us to get pregnant again most likely we will have to do fertility treatments again. So then of course comes the emotions of wanting the option to get pregnant even if at the time I wasn't ready for another baby (though now totally ready and welcoming and hoping, even started fertility blend essential oils but will not seek fertility treatments). I was angry at my body sometimes still am depending on the day. If you look at the picture below that speaks of what you tell yourself: I am strong I am worthy, I am beautiful. I am imperfect. I am me, all of those feelings in between are something you fight when you realize your body doesn't work as God intended and its a struggle you have to deal with. Infertility isn't something that just "goes away" even if miraculously you are able to get pregnant again on your own you still deal with the baggage that comes from the war you fought before your miracle arrived, a kind of ptsd in a way. Now no I'm not sharing this to get encouragement, sympathy or anything. We are very blessed and in a very good place right now on our journey and know that God will open the doors for us He wants open and we both feel that regardless we will grow being growing our family through adoption so that is on the horizon for us and an exciting adventure to look towards. I currently have so much peace with where we are and feel that I know if we don't get pregnant again I will be okay because I will still have a house full of children.  In fact I shared with Isaac a fear I have is that if we end up getting pregnant he will not want to continue with an adoption as soon as I would like and I'm realizing that I would rather adopt then be pregnant again currently but would want to have started the adoption process first.  And that realization is strong.  When I told him this he said he believes it would actually be hard for him to want to adopt within the next few years if we have another baby or where to get pregnant now. He told me that I would need to keep pushing him in that direction and I got a little angry.  This isn't something anyone should be "pushed into" this is something we are talking about 1.5-2 years down the road you have plenty of time to get your heart right with it if it's something we are doing.  It's something he says he feels called to do then I will not be "pushing" anyone.  This is something we have talked about doing since before we where even married and something that we have always talked about doing but it's scary as the time draws closer and we are realizing we will be taking the plunge.  I feel unsure most days because of this on what I want.  I would love to be pregnant again and to have another baby, but I'm not willing to let go of my dream of adoption either.  I'm really leaning more towards adopting first before anything else but for now I leave it in God's hands right where it belongs. 

In other news we have continued with the fertiltiy blends of essential oils and nothing new to report.  Ovulating earlier but still not where I need to be and not a long enough Luteal Phase though its getting better.  

But I think I just need some time to really think and pray for Isaac's heart to get on the same page if we do end up conceiving again.  I know God already has the perfect children out there for us to love and reach and I can not wait to be able to do so.   

I have a lot more I would like to write and talk about but feel like for now I've said enough.  I'll be back on soon thoguh. 

His Presence

Why is it so easy to forget the goodness of God except in the midst of trials?  Then suddenly you try to constantly remind yourself of all the times God has provided for you before.  Doesn't his word say to call on Him while He is near?  Isaiah 55:6 "Seek the LORD while he may be found; call on him while he is near."  What does this really mean?  To call on God while He is near?  Isn't he always there?  But isn't it in the midst of the trials that we feel He might be furthest away.  When the fear the doubt and the anguish begins to take place?  

No nothing is happening in  my life right now to make me feel this way but Isaac gave me news recently that his job had to do lay offs in a different department and when he told me that my heart had immediately leaped into my throat.   I was immediately reminded of when he was laid off before and how much trouble that was.  How hard and stressful.  Now we have a baby and even more responsibilities.  All the what ifs and worries started coming to place and I immediately started praying to God for favor and peace.  But why?  Why did it take those feelings surfacing to bring on those prayers.  Why did it take me becoming anguished and scared in order to seek out the face of God?  And I began to do a little soul searching and that seems to be the way of it.  I know that God is always there.  I have a deep connection with him.  But the only time I really take the time to dive deeper one on one into his goodness and presence is when I feel I need peace.  But why?  If his Peace is so much better when I'm in the midst of trials how much better would resting in the depths of his presence be when I am at peace in life.  How amazing my life would be if I had that connection all the time.  And I can have it!  That is the thing He allows me the opportunity to come to him every single day.    Why do I not take advantage?  How much easier will those trials be when the time dos come?  Oh how I miss just turning on worship music and delving into his presence.

So My goal, my mission is to every day truly delve into His presence more than I already am.  To allow myself to just form a deeper connection and relationship with Him.  To rest in His presence even when I don't feel like I need sanctuary.  Even when life is good because it will just make it that much better.

Just a little food for thought. 

I feel like it's been a little too long since I've updated but of course first things first:

He is growing up so very fast.  Very close to crawling but not quite there yet just very very close.  He has also begun pulling himself up on the couch to the standing position and he loves it!  He will just start laughing and smiling and getting so very excited!

We are doing well.  I started a different regimine of essential oils for hormone balance and after just 28 days of using it things are definitely making a difference.  My cycle was 28 days long and my period for two cycles in a row as just 5 days.  For those o fyou who have followed my story from the beginning know this is unheard of for me.  Normally my periods last anywhere between 9-13 days.  The only time they have ever been only 5 days was during the cycles when I was doing fertility treatments.  I also ovulated 8 days earlier than I normally do and my luteal phase was ALMOST long enough for conception but not quite.  Longer than I've ever had it on my own at least.  So I bought 3 months worth of the oils and will continue every day to working toward getting myself at a place where I can conceive. 

Regardless of us getting pregnant again or not we would like to move forward with adoption or starting an adoption process within the next 2/3 years.  I feel really good and at peace with this and Isaac does as well.  I know during this time I have a lot to do.  I want to pay off as much debt as possible so we can be even more financially sound for fees and just overall bringing another child into our lives.  I want to put aside a nest egg as well so that we are able to still do fun things/vacation wise with a new little one(though we are not planning on adopting an infant.  Most likely the child will be older.  I want to do research on behavioral things that go along with adopting an older child and just all together I want to be as knowledgeable as possible. 

That being said this is my life.  I feel so blessed to watch my baby grow and still be able to get out of the house and work and enjoy my career.  I wouldn't have it any other way.

My heart is full but has grown to make room

It's been a while.  And not because I haven't had much to write about or no tulmit of emotions to deal with.  My heart is still at peace on where we are.  I would like to get pregnant again if possible but I'm okay with not getting pregnant again.  Either way I want to continue on with the adoption.  My heart still cries out to take in foster children.  I want to love all those babies who have no one to love them.  I want to love those who don't have people to love them.  I want to take others in who have no one to love them.

I feel like a major part of that stems from my own background.  My biological mom lost custody of me due to drugs and alcohol and my step Mom is the one who raised me as her own.  She loved me despite all the trouble I gave her.  I am a living example of what unconditional love can do for someone who doesn't know what it looks like.  And I want to be able to give that love to others.

I find myself browsing the adoption websites where my heart just explodes at the smiling needy faces on them.  All I want to do is kiss them and hug them and give them all the love possible!  I want so badly to be able to love on them like Jesus would.

My heart is full yes, but at the same time I feel like my heart has gotten bigger and so has even more room to let others into our family.  I know that when the time is right God will lead Isaac and I down that path.  I am excited for where things are going and what God has in store for us. 

I am reminded of years ago when God spoke to my heart about what His view of success is compared to what we think it is.  I saw a vision of a huge sky scraper building with marble floors and pillars and huge fountains.  I looked around heard God speak to my heart that this is how man views success but this is how I view it:  Then I saw a little shack on a hill I went inside and the homeless where being fed, prostitutes being loved despite how others judge them.  Children being cared for who have no one to love them.  This is the way I want my life to pan out.  I want to look back and see God's definition of success at work in my life.  I want to calm my heart enough to enjoy the journey as we move forward that way too.  I will not allow my restlessness to choke out the joy of now.

Dear heavenly Father, The cry of my heart is that you would lead and guide us into the direction you would have us to go.  I ask that you would cause things to fall into place at the right time that you would like it to.  God I speak peace and direction into our lives.  There are certain children out there that you have for us to take in.  I thank you that you will guide and lead us to them Jesus.  In your holy name ~Amen


Ezekiel is doing well.  I can't believe he is already a little over 7.5 months old.  He is just so full of joy and happiness and makes my heart sing.  He still isn't showing any interest in crawling which I am 100% okay with.  The longer he waits the longer I have to baby proof.  But he has decided to though that he can scoot on his butt to get around.  He can't do it very fast but at least he's excited when he gets to move.

Good Good Father

Good Good Father by Chris Tomlin

This is a song has been coming to my mind over and over lately.  Listen to the words and just let it sink down into your heart.

I start thinking about where I am currently in life and begin to get so wrestless.  I don't want to settle for my life.  I want so badly to accomplish those things I feel like God has called me to.  But I look at where I am now and it just seems so incredibly far away.  I know it really isn't.  I know that God has my path planned out even more than i do.  I knwo that every step i take will take me either closer in that direction or further away.  But I feel in part that Isaac and I will get there but my heart is ready now and his is not. 

I can not stop thinking of fostering.  Taking in those children that need it so badly.  I just want to love on them and give them hope and a future.  I just want so badly to be able to be a light to those hurting.  What if I am the only Jesus those kids will ever see. 

I want to go to Africa.  I want to hold those abandoned babies to love on them like they desereve.  I have to keep taking steps back and realize I know that right now I am exactly where God wants me to be.  But I'll be honest( and yes I know this might sound horrible but I strive for honest heart felt comments here)  Sometimes I feel chained down.  Like I can't spread me wings and fly as much as I would want to with a baby, a husband, a house, a car, a job that has a limited amount of vacation time aloud.  I just feel somewhat chained.  But I know that it's not a bondage it's more of a tethering.  I know that I am where i am now supposed to be.  I know that one day I will get to do all those things in my heart and when I do it will just be that more precious but I also know that Isaac needs to have those same fires lit in him. 

He hates change, but yet these are things we talked about from the beginning since before we even where dating.  Part of me though get's scared that I will have this fire lit so bright and then it will take forever for him and the fears re-emerge on how I was ready for kids several years before he was but then when he was ready it still took us almost 3 years before that.  But then I look back and realize that Ezekiel really did come at the perfect time.  We are in a good place.  And nothing can change that.  God I just ask for your wisdom in this.  I don't want to feel chained but instead I want to take advantage of the current opportunities to be your hands and feet.  I want instead to love others as you want me to love them.  I want to pour out your love.  I want Ezekiel to learn to be giving and loving.  To see those no one else wants to see because it is the right thing to do.  God I just ask that you would indeed guide and direct us into the way you would like us to go.  I pray that you would ignight the same passions and desires in my heart that are in Isaacs and vice versa that you would help us to continue to love others as you would.  That you would help us to be a light that shines in the darkness in every single thing that we do.  I thank you and praise you for that Lord.

How do I feel?  I guess somewhat restless.  There is so much I want to do with my life but I feel like life is just so very short.  I just want so badly to take advantage of every second.  But right now that time involves loving on my precious little baby.  On being the best Mom to him I can be.  To being a supportive wife.  To taking things step by step since I know that right now I am exactly where I am supposed to be.  It's okay that I don't know the future as much as I hate that.  But I know that God will open the doors for us that need to be opened and he will close those that need to be closed.

God I lay it down.  Every bit of it.  Help me to search after you in all things.  I thank you for that Lord.

Now to update you on the little man.  He officially cut his first tooth on Monday!  He also hit 7 months old.  He isn't really showing interest in crawling yet he just likes to roll all around the living room. 

Isaac and I are doing well in our marriage.  We love spending time together and I love seeing Ezekiel light up when Daddy walks into the room or when I do.  My heart is full but yet it is not.  I saw some friends walking into Church on Sunday with their 3 kids in tow and I thought to myself I want that.  I don't care how it comes but I want that.  Then we went to Macy's to find some gift for a friends baby shower and as I was browsing through the clothes a woman was there looking for pjs for her new grandkids.  She told me that her daughter just called her today to tell her she was adopting a brother sister pair through the foster care system.  The little boy was 3 and the sister just 20 months old.  She said she can't have children so she was adopting and that she called to tell her she got paired with the siblings and she wants her to be called NaNa.  I heard this story and the woman began to cry, and I began to cry right with her.  It was as if God was speaking to my heart that this is what I will do one day.  I want it so badly already but just hearing that story made me want it even more.  It made me okay even more with the idea of not being pregnant again, though I have good days and bad days on that. 

I know this blog post isn't going in any particular order and I apologize for that but there is a lot on my mind and I lot has taken place since I last was on here. 

I feel for now this is all I want to write about.

I am seeking God while He may be found and I am trying to call on him while He is near.  I want to walk the path that he has for me and I want to go day by day closer to what He has called us to be.  Every day I have choices to make.  I want to put my flesh down, which isn't easy.  Lately I've been convicted about how much I exaggerate.  I just need to stop to truly lay it down.  To let God work in my life and heart inside and out in everything I do.  Help me Lord Jesus.  Amen