I love you mama

I love you mama.....three words I always wanted to hear.  And hearing those this morning just made my heart explode.  I just can not get over watching this little man grow up.  He is growing up to be such an amazing little person!  I am just beyond blessed.  Every day is a new adventure and I love watching him learn, explore and just become the person God created him to be.  Already I can tell he is going to be sweet and sensitive.  He just loves to give hugs and kisses.  Is so happy to just be near you.

He has started trying to walk this month and is so proud of himself getting those couple steps that he does.  And as to talking it just kinda happened.  Last week he was sitting at the kitchen table pulling on his bib he looked at me and said he wanted to take the bib off.  I looked at him and told him no your still eating so you need to keep it on so he stopped pulling on it and kept eating and I couldn't help myself but stare.  My baby just said a full sentence and he knew exactly what it was he was trying to say.  He also started using the all done sign language to let us know when he's done eating, much preferred to what he was doing where he would just scream his head off.

We will be heading down to the beach next month and I just can not wait to see him there at the ocean.  But even more than that he gets so overjoyed when he is with both Isaac and myself together.  It's like he knows that this is how its supposed to be.  He is going to love spending a week with us all day.  We decided on the drive down to break it up into two days since we have the time off why not take time to really enjoy the journey and relax as much as possible.  We can't check into the beach house till 4 anyway so why not make the most of it.  I got us a hotel by the beach so if we want to that morning we could take him over to see the ocean for the first time.

Speaking of little boys growing up so fast we also had to switch him to his big boy car seat.  He was loving it!  I think he liked that it made him sit up more than the other one.  He would always arch his back and try and sit up when we put him in the old car seat.

My little man is just growing to fast.  13 months today.  Here he is yesterday in his new car seat:

As Time Draws Near

Only 3 months to go and I will be meeting with the OBGYN in hopes to get the medication I need in order to have another baby.  I'm not going to lie it makes me angry to think that this tiny little pill is all that stands between me and another child and there is no way to get it without a script from a DR.  It makes me angry, sad and disappointed all together.

I realize now that I actually have an appointment set up that the only thing really standing in the way for me was well of course money; I don't have $600 a month to put towards testing or trying to get pregnant again.  But more so there was the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder I seem to have.  Just the thought of having to go in get blood work, ultrasounds ect; several times a  week makes me come so very close to a panic attack.  But the thought of being able to go through it with just blood work and fertility meds makes me so much happier indeed.  I really pray that everything ends up working out as it should.  But I guess in part some of that prayer needs to be that I really hope I'm okay too with the way God works everything out too.

I keep trying to tell myself that just because he did it for the one person(prescribing the meds without demanding all the extra testing) doesn't mean necessarily that it would be the same for me.  There are of course different circumstances for different people. 

I am kind of in shock though how I went form no never again to Oh I don't have to do all that then YES!!!!  It really was kind of an eye opener for me.  Though I'm not going to lie I still am praying/hoping I can get pregnant on my own but even the thought of having hope like that makes me roll my eyes.  But one thing it has taught me is to stop planning.  Stop trying to schedule my whole lie and just really live in the moment. 

That being said as to the beautiful baby boy we have now I am just so stinking blessed.  I swear I won the baby lottery.  He is so easy to hang out with and make laugh.  Rarely fusses thankfully and just overall is so much fun.  Exhausting to take care of but so very fun.  Isaac is out of town today and for the few days but today was the first day of just us where it was planned and it was honestly awesome.  It was so fun to have my beautiful baby boy and not feel rushed to make dinner, clean up ect; all within an hour before bedtime.  I decided tonight I would date myself.  I put Ezekiel to bed, cooked one of my favorites that Isaac hates(good ole' southern red beans and rice) got myself a bottle of wine and rented pride prejudice and zombies.  Overall a very relaxing evening planned.  But that being said it makes me wonder why do I rush around as if I have to finish all that stuff.  I know Isaac, I know he wouldn't care so why do I fight myself in order to get all this stuff done instead of taking time to enjoy actually being a family together.  Isaac and I both notice that on days when Ezekiel is with both of us together(only on Sundays) that he just seems so happy.  So shouldn't we strive for that whenever we can?  But at the same time I feel Ezekiel needs some one on one time with his Daddy too.  He See's him get home from work and he crawls to him as fast as those little legs can take him.  When Isaac pics him up he hugs his face and occasionally kisses what part of his cheek isn't covered in beard hair.  Overall though I think the general consensus is we are blessed.   So blessed and whether we get another baby we will still feel that way.  But of course it doesn't take the feelings away. 


Heavenly Father we truly give all to you.  We ask that you would guide us to be the parents you desire for us to be to Ezekiel and any other children you bring into our lives.  We thank you that you will open the doors you want open for us and close those you want closed.  Help us Lord to truly let go and truly surrender to you.  We thank you Lord that our will isn't what will be done but yours.  In your Name we pray.  ~Amen

A Journey Through Motherhood

As I said in my last post I felt a change coming on.  I didn't know what change and truth be told  I could barely get my words together if I'm going to be honest with myself.  But yet that feeling was there deep in the pit of my stomach.

God had begun to convict me recently on trying to plan too much of my life.  I would say "Oh in so many years we will adopt then "...." will happen."  But that isn't the way the world works and I have begun to see it that way. 

I used to have a prayer I would pray over myself every day where I would speak into life believing that God was going to direct me down the path that He so desired me to walk down.  That I was going to simply put all faith hope and trust in Him guiding my steps and that I would follow His leading and He would open doors for me to walk through.

So where am I going with this?  Well as any of you readers who have been following me from the beginning you can see in my blog I have always said "In so many years we will do this then go to this ect;"  But Yet things would then change.  Then I would say "Oh well this will work better so we will do this."  Just too much planning when it came right down to it.  And yes it is good to have a plan.  It's smart to have a plan.  But sometimes that plan can get in the way of what God is trying to accomplish. 


On Saturday I had a client come in who also had to do fertility treatments and actually went to the same practice as me.  She started trying to conceive but instead of going back to the RE(Reproductive endocrinologist/fertility specialist) she found a obgyn that is willing to prescribe her the clomid/fremara that I had to take in order to conceive Ezekiel.  She said that the only monitoring he requires is blood work.  As she's speaking I get this overwhelming feeling of needing to call this Doctor to speak to him and to see him.  It's almost too good to be true a obgyn who is actually willing to allow me to do the fertility drugs without all the excessive monitoring.  I have heard of it multiple times but yet...maybe its too good to be true.  Either way though I will find out.  I booked an  appointment with him in October (the earliest I can be seen) and will see if this is an option for me.  If it is I would like to take it.  If it's not then I know that God is officially closing the door to me being pregnant for the time being. 

Already my brain has begun spinning on how the appointment might go.  I'm praying I walk out of there with a script in my hand enabling me to become pregnant again.  At the same time I'm thinking of what it will most likely be; that she was under special circumstances and that it really is too good to be true.  All in all I am trying so very hard to trust God and really just follow His leading.  But I do have peace about this.  I have peace knowing that God's will shall be done.  Isaac is very excited about the possibility to have another baby before we adopt.  I'm not sure why he wants it in that order and honestly I don't know that he does either.

So where does this bring us?  Well it brings us to my final point:  I'm sure my more avid followers immediately noticed the change not only in Layout but also my blog title.  It was originally "A journey to Motherhood"  But I have now changed it to a Journey Through Motherhood.  This is exactly where I am.  I'm going through motherhood which in and of itself is not without its trials and hardships but is worth every single second.  I love my son with all of my heart and can no longer imagine life without him.  Now I think on how great it will be when we have even more that we feel that way about.  Yes there are some days I count the very minutes before bedtime(today actually is one of those days)  But they are all worth it.  So here I am.  A wanderer, a drifter, a traveler through motherhood.  Excited to see what the future has in store; whether through adoption, pregnancy or even something else.  I'm trying to let go, give God the reigns and just enjoy the journey. 

I'm so glad to have you to follow me through it.  And I hope you continue to follow me in a my Journey through motherhood as we find out all the treasures God has in store for us. 

He's One Year

My I can't believe how fast time has flown.  I looked up yesterday to see Ezekiel standing(yes standing!) by the stairs staring at me!  I was blown away by how much of a little boy he looks like and I wanted to immediately put my phone away, turn off the tv and get rid of all distractions and just stare at him as I was afraid the minutes where just going to begin zipping by and next thing I know he'll be walking and talking or going off to college, getting married.......you get the picture.  This year felt like it passed by with warp speed.

We are beyond blessed.  I can not even begin to comprehend how God brought us to where we currently are.  I remember begging and praying to God, believing on faith that I would just be able to conceive and here we finally are.  I have a one year old.   He babbles and laughs, eats and poops, cries and sleeps.  I never want to take any moment I can treasure with him for granite.  I want so badly to just hold him so close and pray over him.  He sleeps at night and I listen for the monitor to go off just to remind me that he is there.  If he cries out for me in the middle of the night(which doesn't happen often) but when it does my heart sores with thankfulness that I have a baby to answer that cry to.

There are too many women I know and even some of you readers I only know through the ciber world who still struggle with infertilitiy.  Still struggle every day to put a smile on your face with the dreaded question of: Do you have any kids?

I've begun to get: Will you have any more?  over and over again and my answer is always the same: I sure hope so and then I tell them of our struggle with infertility and how once again we are battling with that but that we plan to adopt and have another if possible.  It annoys me however that most people know our struggles now and will still ask if we will have any more, but once again I smile and say I sure hope so. 

Either way though being a mother has taught me that I can love children of all ages even if they are not mine.  I never thought I could feel so strongly about protecting someone as I do now.  I know that there is a natural mother instinct that all women feel even before they have children but being a Mom now its like that feeling times  100.  Nothing better come between you or your child or their shall be hell to pay.  I want protect those that can not protect themselves.  Adoption is definitely in the works before we do fertility treatments again, but I am open to one day going back to the fertility doctor if God opens that door for us. 

Isaac and I have decided together that not only do we want to protect Ezekiel and any other children we may have but we want to truly be examples to them of who God has called each and every one of us to be.  We have begun doing nightly devotionals and praying together just the two of us to help us to grow closer to God. 

That being said I would like to share his one year photo along with a few from his birthday party:

I feel like from here on out my entries will not be focused on us conceiving or adopting since that is not in the immediate future but rather on where my heart is with God and the calling he has placed on our lives as we grow as a family in him and eventually in numbers.  I haven't decided if I want to change the name of the blog as Journey to Motherhood is still in the works, but I feel it may change very soon so if you happen to come upon the blog and see the layout and title different that will be why.

I feel God tugging me in a different direction, but yet I'm not sure where that leads.  I want the people who read this to get something out of it: whether that be encouragement, prayer or even challenges.  I feel like over this past year it's become sort of a story board.....not to say that's a bad thing but I feel it is time to go a different direction.  So keep your eyes peeled for the change will be coming soon.

~To all my readers who have stayed with me this far I thank you!~

Sorry Readers it has been a long time since I posted and not for lack of time, more for not knowing how to get my thoughts together.

I thought I would be okay not getting pregnant again.  I thought I would be fine just adopting.  But last month I thought it was possible I was expecting!  I had taken a test, though I had started spotting 3 days past ovulation and was only 9 days past ovulation the bleeding went from spotting to heavy to nothing all throughout the day each of those days.  It reminded me of when I first found out I was pregnant with Ezekiel.  I was so incredibly excited when I saw a second line......but the problem was it wasn't really there. It was one of those lines where you see it but only if you squint turn the test 100 different ways, take a picture edit it ect;  All of which I did.  So I thought to myself "Okay Devin you know your just seeing an evaporation line.  There is no pink this isn't positive test again later."  So a few hours later I did just that and stark negative.  So I tried to convince myself that maybe its because I drank too much water(mind you all this time I'm still bleeding/a little more than spotting but not super heavy but definitely bleeding).  Here I was trying to convince myself that maybe just maybe I was pregnant indeed even though all signs and facts where pointing to no.  And just that tiny little glimmer of  possibility made me so incredibly happy.  So two days later when my temperature dropped and the heavy flow started I knew that it wasn't real.  It was all a big fabrication I told myself.  But then I had to really think about it.  I knew I wasn't at a place where I could get pregnant....my LP was only 3 days long I had started bleeding right after that, all the same issues I had with fertility stuff before.  Despite all of this I was devastated.  I broke down and cried on my way to work, several times at work and when I got home.   It made me re-evaluate things.  I said before I don't think Id ever want to do the fertility dr again but now I feel like I would.  I would go through all that again.  The outcome was worth every single frustration.  But I do still want to adopt and I would rather do that first then go after we are in a good routine with that.

But like I should have said before I can't say THIS right here is what I'm doing because you never know what you might want to change or how things will end up.  So instead I suppose I should just be praying Father whatever it is you desire to take place in our lives let that happen. 

I also can not believe that in just 3 short weeks my little guy will be turning 1!!!  Time has just flown by so fast and I know that it will get even faster the older he gets.  So right now I'm trying to live in the moment every single day and cherish him.  He has begun looking at me constantly while he's playing to make sure I'm watching him and to see how I will respond to whatever it is he is doing.  So I am trying to be present for him.  Keep my cell phone down or tv off and just enjoy actually being with him in every way that I can.  I'm not gonna lie it's not easy and I fail miserably but now that the weather is nice it seems like it is easier to do. 

On Sunday we will be getting family photos taken in the park.  Nothing fancy, we won't be posing or outfit changes or anything we will be doing a candid photo session where they just take pictures of us being us.  And letting Ezekiel be him.  I wanted it this way to just capture the sheer joy of being parents.  Of letting us love on him as much as possible.  So I am very excited about this. 

That being said my Mom is flying in for Ezekiel's birthday party, my Dad however wasn't able to get off work.  But that is okay, we will have my in-laws, my mom the god parents here with us all weekend so we will also be doing Ezekiel's baby dedication/baptism as well.  That being said how can I not leave you with some updated pictures of cuteness.  I have a lot more I could write about when I comes to Isaac and I, our dreams, hopes ect;  But only so long for nap times so until next time. 

 11 Months:

Happy Birthday Little Angel

Yesterday I started writing this blog post but wasn't able to finish.  Yesterday our angel baby would have been turning a year old.  It's amazing to me that even though we were only pregnant for about 4/5 weeks that I can not get that due date out of my head.  The could haves the what ifs coming to mind.  Would it have been a boy or girl?  Would Ezekiel have an older brother or sister.  All these things coming into mind.  But then I'm reminded of the beautiful miracle I have upstairs napping in his crib.  How I am beyond blessed at my handsome son.

I'll say it again I am beyond blessed.  But that being said it doesn't make your heart not feel for the one that didn't make it, especially now knowing how very precious life really is.  There is nothing better than being a Mom.  It is the best thing I have ever had to do.

Soon it will be Mother's Day and the first Mother's day where I will be a Mom through and through and I can not wait to celebrate it.  To celebrate every second of it with lots of hugs and kisses with my family.  The cry of my heart truly is that God would help us to raise Ezekiel up into a loving caring child.  That he would seek the Lord with all his heart and realize at a young age just how amazing our God truly is.  I want to be able to be the best Mom possible that I can be for him.

This week(tomorrow actually) also marks Nathan's birthday.  The second one he will not be able to celebrate with us.  I know my family, my parents especially, are hurting.  And I wish I could give them all huge hugs right now and lots of love.

But Nathan will be having his own little party in heaven.  I know my Dad is having a hard time letting go and letting things get easier.  He feels guilty when he is happy and enjoying life.  He has read every book he can get his hands on about dealing with grief and says he knows it is just part of the grieving process.  But I just wish he could let himself experience joy.  Let himself experience peace.  He doesn't have to torture himself with the I wish I would have done this.......  But it's an easier said than done experience.   And I know everyone experiences grief differently.

On another brighter note.  I can't believe I'm even saying this but I sent out Ezekiel's 1st birthday invitations today!  I'm so excited that my Mom and Dad are both flying in for the party.  It will be so good to celebrate the life and milestone together.

I decided we are going to do a peach party theme.  So it will be fun times and yes I shall post pictures when the time comes.

The Future

Why do we put so much stock in the future over the present?  Why not live every day in the moment?  Is it because we are survivors? Trained to every day push harder, be better, make more money, do this do that.  The never ending perpetual wheel.

Where am I going with this?  Well I feel like my last post I had to just end it abruptly without getting into depth of what is on my heart:  both adoption and being pregnant.

So where do I actually stand?  Do I actually HAVE to make a choice?  The answer is no.  I can have both and that is actually what I want.  I want to have another baby and I would love to get pregnant right now but that being said if I was forced to make a choice.  If I was forced to decide between getting pregnant again or taking in one of those little ones that are already here and need love I would choose the latter.  I would adopt.  But Isaac and I both feel called to adopt, this will not change.  And the more we talk about it the more we know without a doubt this is what we are definitely called to do.  But it is scary thinking about doing that and having two babies as well, or at least to him it is.  If I had my way my house would already be full of children.  Overflowing from the brim.

James 1:27 Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

This this is my heart through and through.  No questioning it.  I want to love those who feel unlovable even though that is all they are.  God had put this feeling just so very strong in my heart and I know there is a reason for this.  So why did I get angry at Isaac after our conversation because I wanted his heart to be at the same place and the more we talk the more I'm realizing something.  His heart is there but he is afraid.  But not in a bad way.  He wants to love these children and take them all in the same as myself but what if he doesn't connect, what if they aren't happy with us.  Things I don't even think about though I'm sure I should.  But I think part of me says it doesn't matter because really all they need is love.

Where does this leave us?  The same place we where.  We plan on in another year to a year and a half starting the adoption process and expanding our family regardless on if we get pregnant again or not.  We will move forward in the way God calls us to.  

For now I believe that is all I really have to say but I do hope that brought some clarification on some things. I just want so badly to continue to be a mother and grow our family.  Currently I'm trying to pay off as much debt as possible in order to make it easier when the time comes.  So we can better provide for the children that will need it so badly and until that day comes I will try to live day by day.