We have had an insanely busy month this past month. My period came and went so no pregnancy. That however turned out to be a blessing in disguise as I ate something(Blackrasberry icecream) and found out I am allergic to it. Broke out in hives, dealt with a little throat swelling and just overall horrible experience. Had to go on steroids in order to finally clear up and that in and of itself was a nightmare. I hate the way they made me feel. So our trying to get pregnant is on hold now then for a few months since if we were to get pregnant this month we'd have another baby born in June, I'd be flying down to Louisiana pregnant and a lot more de ja vu then I want to have. We wont prevent obviously but I"m going to take a break from the ovulation tests timed sex ect; Play by the old rule if it happens it happens.
Ezekiel is growing like a weed and its amazing to see his character come out. He is the sweetest little boy in the world; he is full of love, hugs and kisses for us. He really just melts my heart. Today I took him to a Play area in a local mall and just watched him run around and play and it struck me that two years ago I really didn't think I would ever be able to be here. I really wondered and questioned if we would in fact get pregnant. Yes I had the promises of God there and I was holding onto those but the doubts plagued me daily. And as I watched him today I was overcome with gratitude. Gratitude that God gave me an amazing son that is running around playing at toys turning around to smile at me and make sure I'm watching. And in that moment I truly realize how blessed I am. Yes I have known, and continue to know every single day but feel even more grateful then before.
I daily want to seek out new adventures with him. Let him explore and discover the world with me by his side to protect him while I can because one day sooner than I'd like he will spread his wings and not need me quite as much. Isaac made a joke the other day on only 15 more years till he can drive and my immediate response was Oh my gosh that's so soon!!! He just laughed at me but that's truly how I feel I feel like it all flies by so fast and that in a blink of an eye it will be gone. So I want to cherish every single moment of it. Cherish every second.
In two weeks we will be flying to visit my best friend and her new little one. I'm both nervous and excited about traveling with Ezekiel by myself. Thankfully he's such a chill baby I really do not foresee any issues but you never know. I'm just hoping with everything being so new he'll want to just stay by me and look around versus run around all over exploring. So we shall see how that goes.
Thursday, September 15, 2016
Thursday, September 1, 2016
Promises
It's been quite a while since I've had time to write. The month of August literally feels like it was nonstop. Let's see what are the highlights of this month?
~Ezekiel is now walking
~He has 9 teeth with a 10th on the way
~I bought tickets to go visit one of my best friends in Oklahoma who had her baby(I will be flying alone with Ezekiel and am a little nervous)
That about sums up August in the "events" category. But when it comes to beyond that I just feel like I'm entering a time of transition. I am not exactly sure what yet. Part of me wonders at it, is excited for it and the other part of me is nervous. Even though I don't know yet what it is I just feel it coming.
I'll be honest as I'm sure a lot of you readers can guess the biggest part of me is hoping its a new little one being added to the family. So far I have a lot of peace when it comes to that but I also feel like its even more than that. Like I feel like God is about to rock our world in a wonderful way but I'm not quite sure how. I can't explain this feeling but its there.
~~~Trigger Warning for all my readers dealing with infertility~~~And It's about to get spiritual~~~
Last month when I was in the process of loosing the pregnancy that we had miraculously obtained I sat back and just looked at everything. I looked at it all not with sadness but amazement. Here I had given up all hope of ever conceiving on my own without medical intervention. And yet even though it did not stay we received a miracle. I then felt, as I often have Not only God's presence but Nathan's. It's been a very long time since I have felt Nathan there with me. God then spoke to my heart saying that Nathan knows the calling that was placed on his life was unfilled and if we should choose to accept it the next child we have can have that mantel/calling placed upon them. If we choose not to accept it God will not withhold his blessing, but if we choose to accept it with that comes responsibilities. I then saw as clear as day a church service from my youth, a guest speaker was there praying over my mother. He told her: "Your youngest son will have the fire of God burning in his eyes. Demons shall quake in fear from the power of the Lord that manifests itself in him....."There was a lot more but that phrase always stuck out to me. I was then reminded when Nathan was just 4 years old He had been talking to my parents about spiritual gifts and what they entail. They got to speaking about the gift of speaking in tongues and Nathan was asking how he could get that gift. He then told my parents he had been seeing demons watching him when he was alone.(This is powerful stuff coming from a 4 year old but for me not surprising since I was little I was very open to that stuff as well and was able to see and understand things adult minds has since grown out of or closed to). They told him all he needed to do was ask and pray and God would protect him, I honestly don't think they even remember him talking to them about that, since I told them what he told me: I went to the bathroom and I was peeing and saw skulls and demons all staring at me so I prayed in tongues and they all went away!!!! He was so excited! He at 4 years old had not only received a spiritual gift his young mind had wanted but he had also expelled fear and demons. That is one very powerful mantel. So if we were to choose to accept this it would be our responsibility to not only raise this child(boy or girl) into a fine young human but at even a young age we will be responsible for them spiritually. Teaching them how to use the gifts that God has given them. How to grow...but also it will be our duty to fight for them spiritually always. This battle will not end. And yes I know we are always supposed to stand up pray and fight for our kids but this is a different battle. For those of you who have ever done true intersession you know what I am talking about it weighs on you, heavy and hard and it would always be there. This is the responsibility that comes with raising this world changer. So I talked to Isaac and wear re still praying about it. Believing we are getting pregnant as we speak but waiting for God to give us the strength and know how of what's to come if we do accept this mantel. In that time that God was speaking all this to my heart I could feel Nathan's blessing there. I know part of me wants to jump up and say yes this is it we will do it simply because it was Nathan's but the other part of me is reserved knowing this really is not a task to be taken lightly. I saw that mantel on that young 4 year old and I saw what happened when he didn't know how to use it or fight it.
God I ask for you to continue to place on Isaac and I's heart the correct way to go with this. I know you have truly given us the choice and with that choice comes sacrifice. I am so honored that you feel we ourselves can do it, I'm sure Nathan helped you with that one. But Lord let us not take this decision lightly. Help us to continue to seek after you in this and to truly understand what that sacrifice means. We praise you for it Lord. ~Amen
Whew yes I know that got really deep but I feel like two things come from that: One God is giving us another child. Two- they will be a world changer
I'm currently about 7 days past ovulation and have the same exact thing happening as happened last time, I started bleeding heavy on and off where when its bleeding its like faucet has been switched on but will all the sudden stop. This started yesterday and today seems to be tapering off. Last time it was 3 days so I'm praying this might be implantation bleeding again. I seem to get that with each of the 3 pregnancies I have. Wow 3 pregnancies and only one baby so far. But I have peace beyond measure that if I get pregnant this time that God's hand will be on it just like He was for Ezekiel. I can't explain it but I just know that he sees us, sees what we are doing and is going to bless us!
~Ezekiel is now walking
~He has 9 teeth with a 10th on the way
~I bought tickets to go visit one of my best friends in Oklahoma who had her baby(I will be flying alone with Ezekiel and am a little nervous)
That about sums up August in the "events" category. But when it comes to beyond that I just feel like I'm entering a time of transition. I am not exactly sure what yet. Part of me wonders at it, is excited for it and the other part of me is nervous. Even though I don't know yet what it is I just feel it coming.
I'll be honest as I'm sure a lot of you readers can guess the biggest part of me is hoping its a new little one being added to the family. So far I have a lot of peace when it comes to that but I also feel like its even more than that. Like I feel like God is about to rock our world in a wonderful way but I'm not quite sure how. I can't explain this feeling but its there.
~~~Trigger Warning for all my readers dealing with infertility~~~And It's about to get spiritual~~~
Last month when I was in the process of loosing the pregnancy that we had miraculously obtained I sat back and just looked at everything. I looked at it all not with sadness but amazement. Here I had given up all hope of ever conceiving on my own without medical intervention. And yet even though it did not stay we received a miracle. I then felt, as I often have Not only God's presence but Nathan's. It's been a very long time since I have felt Nathan there with me. God then spoke to my heart saying that Nathan knows the calling that was placed on his life was unfilled and if we should choose to accept it the next child we have can have that mantel/calling placed upon them. If we choose not to accept it God will not withhold his blessing, but if we choose to accept it with that comes responsibilities. I then saw as clear as day a church service from my youth, a guest speaker was there praying over my mother. He told her: "Your youngest son will have the fire of God burning in his eyes. Demons shall quake in fear from the power of the Lord that manifests itself in him....."There was a lot more but that phrase always stuck out to me. I was then reminded when Nathan was just 4 years old He had been talking to my parents about spiritual gifts and what they entail. They got to speaking about the gift of speaking in tongues and Nathan was asking how he could get that gift. He then told my parents he had been seeing demons watching him when he was alone.(This is powerful stuff coming from a 4 year old but for me not surprising since I was little I was very open to that stuff as well and was able to see and understand things adult minds has since grown out of or closed to). They told him all he needed to do was ask and pray and God would protect him, I honestly don't think they even remember him talking to them about that, since I told them what he told me: I went to the bathroom and I was peeing and saw skulls and demons all staring at me so I prayed in tongues and they all went away!!!! He was so excited! He at 4 years old had not only received a spiritual gift his young mind had wanted but he had also expelled fear and demons. That is one very powerful mantel. So if we were to choose to accept this it would be our responsibility to not only raise this child(boy or girl) into a fine young human but at even a young age we will be responsible for them spiritually. Teaching them how to use the gifts that God has given them. How to grow...but also it will be our duty to fight for them spiritually always. This battle will not end. And yes I know we are always supposed to stand up pray and fight for our kids but this is a different battle. For those of you who have ever done true intersession you know what I am talking about it weighs on you, heavy and hard and it would always be there. This is the responsibility that comes with raising this world changer. So I talked to Isaac and wear re still praying about it. Believing we are getting pregnant as we speak but waiting for God to give us the strength and know how of what's to come if we do accept this mantel. In that time that God was speaking all this to my heart I could feel Nathan's blessing there. I know part of me wants to jump up and say yes this is it we will do it simply because it was Nathan's but the other part of me is reserved knowing this really is not a task to be taken lightly. I saw that mantel on that young 4 year old and I saw what happened when he didn't know how to use it or fight it.
God I ask for you to continue to place on Isaac and I's heart the correct way to go with this. I know you have truly given us the choice and with that choice comes sacrifice. I am so honored that you feel we ourselves can do it, I'm sure Nathan helped you with that one. But Lord let us not take this decision lightly. Help us to continue to seek after you in this and to truly understand what that sacrifice means. We praise you for it Lord. ~Amen
Whew yes I know that got really deep but I feel like two things come from that: One God is giving us another child. Two- they will be a world changer
I'm currently about 7 days past ovulation and have the same exact thing happening as happened last time, I started bleeding heavy on and off where when its bleeding its like faucet has been switched on but will all the sudden stop. This started yesterday and today seems to be tapering off. Last time it was 3 days so I'm praying this might be implantation bleeding again. I seem to get that with each of the 3 pregnancies I have. Wow 3 pregnancies and only one baby so far. But I have peace beyond measure that if I get pregnant this time that God's hand will be on it just like He was for Ezekiel. I can't explain it but I just know that he sees us, sees what we are doing and is going to bless us!
Tuesday, August 9, 2016
Victory within the storm
This morning I woke up to a temperature dip along with heavier spotting to where I can tell that full flow will be starting very soon. So it wasn't a surprise to me when I got the call from the Midwives that my blood work did show pregnancy but that it wasn't looking like it was viable since the numbers where so low: Beta 6.1 and I took another HPT just to see it coincide together and it was negative so everything was working together to definitely confirm what I had a feeling on with the chemical pregnancy.
How am I feeling? To be honest I'm feeling just so grateful that I was able to get pregnant! I feel beyond amazed that we were actually able to get pregnant on our own. But I also feel like part of me expected for me to have a cp. It was two years ago just one week apart we had gotten the positive HPT only to find that the BETA was going down and we had gotten the positive right when getting back from the beach. So it is just all major de ja vu. I did go buy some coq10 in order to help with some egg development maybe we will actually have a shot of getting pregnant again before the appointment in October. Over all we are just so incredibly excited about thing normalizing for us. That's it I wanted to give the update.
How am I feeling? To be honest I'm feeling just so grateful that I was able to get pregnant! I feel beyond amazed that we were actually able to get pregnant on our own. But I also feel like part of me expected for me to have a cp. It was two years ago just one week apart we had gotten the positive HPT only to find that the BETA was going down and we had gotten the positive right when getting back from the beach. So it is just all major de ja vu. I did go buy some coq10 in order to help with some egg development maybe we will actually have a shot of getting pregnant again before the appointment in October. Over all we are just so incredibly excited about thing normalizing for us. That's it I wanted to give the update.
Monday, August 8, 2016
I serve a God of Miracles
I am once again reminded that I serve a God of miracles. Before we left to go on vacation I was talking to my boss telling her about how we scheduled with the Dr in October to try and go on fertility meds. She looked at me and said who knows Devin maybe it will happen before then. I shook my head and said no, no way. I know for sure I need the fertility meds to be able to get pregnant again. For me not to need them it would literally take a miracle. I feel like God heard that and decided to show off a little bit:
Still very light, very early, well not very early I suppose but kind of. I ovulated on July 25th we left for vacation the 29th on July 30th I began spotting, this is normal for me, I normally get AF just 3-4 days past ovulation. So I wasn't surprised when on Sunday the 31st I began my period. But it wasn't normal. I was bleeding just off and on for 3 days. Like it would 100% stop then all the sudden it would pick back up again. My temp never went down so just overall I was very very confused. I told Isaac if this is my period it was only 3 days and that's not normal for me but it's way too early for implantation bleeding. So I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. So I decided to continue enjoying the beech. Continue charting and see what went on. Well my temps never dropped, I began to get nauseous and heartburn....little things that I didn't really think was a big deal. The nausea could be from sinus drainage I have the heartburn from all the junk food I was eating while on vacation because I've been doing so well. Upon coming home I got really nauseous so much so that I ran into the bathroom feeling like I might throw up. But then I though something is weird I'm going to take another test and low and behold a very very faint line showed up. I yelled at Isaac downstairs to get up here that i think I'm making it up. He came upstairs believing it was a practical joke. When he saw it he was beyond amazed. He prayed over us and began crying. He was just so excited.
This morning though I woke up with a little bit of spotting. My temp is still up and the HPT is still positive and even a little darker then yesterday though not by much. I can't say when my period is supposed to start since I normally would have gotten it by now, so I guess tomorrow since I'm 14 days past ovulation today. So I called the midwives to see if I can get a Beta test done asap and to check my progesterone to see if I need to be back on that, just waiting to hear back from them.
Either way this is just such an incredible victory. I was able to get pregnant on my own. And even with the light spotting I must remind myself that I serve a God of miracles if he allowed this to happen then if he wants it to stay it will stay. I can do absolutely nothing to help the situation. So therefor I will surrender it all over to him. He gave us a miracle, something I never thought was possible. I got pregnant on my own. With Ezekiel I bled and I bled a lot so I really have to just surrender to Him.
"God you see our hearts. You see that we are amazed and blessed by your faithfulness. You took my unmeant challenge and decided to show your awesome power. God we surrender the outcome of this pregnancy to you. You are in control of every single part of it. Lord we know that you are good. You are faithful always even when we are not. So Lord we surrender everything over to you. I ask for guidance and wisdom when it comes to this situation. I ask for your blessing and guidance. If you want this child to come into the world so let it be. "Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me." John 14:1 "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God" Philipians 4:6
This is so much easier said than done. God I ask that you would guide my heart and my hands in this Lord. In your holy and matchless name I pray Lord. You gave us this miracle and you alone can sustain it. I know your thoughts are higher than my own, your plans for us better than we could even come up with on our own. So Lord we surrender to you in all things. We give all over to you. I thank you for your wisdom ~Amen.
As I type this the midwives MD called me back she is going to have me go in for a blood work Beta today and if the numbers are showing positive then back in on Wednesday to confirm viability or chemical. So as soon as little guy works from his nap I will be heading out to go get the blood work done. Which I hear him stirring so I'll be back later to finish.
The beach was amazing
Still very light, very early, well not very early I suppose but kind of. I ovulated on July 25th we left for vacation the 29th on July 30th I began spotting, this is normal for me, I normally get AF just 3-4 days past ovulation. So I wasn't surprised when on Sunday the 31st I began my period. But it wasn't normal. I was bleeding just off and on for 3 days. Like it would 100% stop then all the sudden it would pick back up again. My temp never went down so just overall I was very very confused. I told Isaac if this is my period it was only 3 days and that's not normal for me but it's way too early for implantation bleeding. So I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. So I decided to continue enjoying the beech. Continue charting and see what went on. Well my temps never dropped, I began to get nauseous and heartburn....little things that I didn't really think was a big deal. The nausea could be from sinus drainage I have the heartburn from all the junk food I was eating while on vacation because I've been doing so well. Upon coming home I got really nauseous so much so that I ran into the bathroom feeling like I might throw up. But then I though something is weird I'm going to take another test and low and behold a very very faint line showed up. I yelled at Isaac downstairs to get up here that i think I'm making it up. He came upstairs believing it was a practical joke. When he saw it he was beyond amazed. He prayed over us and began crying. He was just so excited.
This morning though I woke up with a little bit of spotting. My temp is still up and the HPT is still positive and even a little darker then yesterday though not by much. I can't say when my period is supposed to start since I normally would have gotten it by now, so I guess tomorrow since I'm 14 days past ovulation today. So I called the midwives to see if I can get a Beta test done asap and to check my progesterone to see if I need to be back on that, just waiting to hear back from them.
Either way this is just such an incredible victory. I was able to get pregnant on my own. And even with the light spotting I must remind myself that I serve a God of miracles if he allowed this to happen then if he wants it to stay it will stay. I can do absolutely nothing to help the situation. So therefor I will surrender it all over to him. He gave us a miracle, something I never thought was possible. I got pregnant on my own. With Ezekiel I bled and I bled a lot so I really have to just surrender to Him.
"God you see our hearts. You see that we are amazed and blessed by your faithfulness. You took my unmeant challenge and decided to show your awesome power. God we surrender the outcome of this pregnancy to you. You are in control of every single part of it. Lord we know that you are good. You are faithful always even when we are not. So Lord we surrender everything over to you. I ask for guidance and wisdom when it comes to this situation. I ask for your blessing and guidance. If you want this child to come into the world so let it be. "Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me." John 14:1 "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God" Philipians 4:6
This is so much easier said than done. God I ask that you would guide my heart and my hands in this Lord. In your holy and matchless name I pray Lord. You gave us this miracle and you alone can sustain it. I know your thoughts are higher than my own, your plans for us better than we could even come up with on our own. So Lord we surrender to you in all things. We give all over to you. I thank you for your wisdom ~Amen.
As I type this the midwives MD called me back she is going to have me go in for a blood work Beta today and if the numbers are showing positive then back in on Wednesday to confirm viability or chemical. So as soon as little guy works from his nap I will be heading out to go get the blood work done. Which I hear him stirring so I'll be back later to finish.
The beach was amazing
Monday, July 18, 2016
I love you mama
I love you mama.....three words I always wanted to hear. And hearing those this morning just made my heart explode. I just can not get over watching this little man grow up. He is growing up to be such an amazing little person! I am just beyond blessed. Every day is a new adventure and I love watching him learn, explore and just become the person God created him to be. Already I can tell he is going to be sweet and sensitive. He just loves to give hugs and kisses. Is so happy to just be near you.
He has started trying to walk this month and is so proud of himself getting those couple steps that he does. And as to talking it just kinda happened. Last week he was sitting at the kitchen table pulling on his bib he looked at me and said he wanted to take the bib off. I looked at him and told him no your still eating so you need to keep it on so he stopped pulling on it and kept eating and I couldn't help myself but stare. My baby just said a full sentence and he knew exactly what it was he was trying to say. He also started using the all done sign language to let us know when he's done eating, much preferred to what he was doing where he would just scream his head off.
We will be heading down to the beach next month and I just can not wait to see him there at the ocean. But even more than that he gets so overjoyed when he is with both Isaac and myself together. It's like he knows that this is how its supposed to be. He is going to love spending a week with us all day. We decided on the drive down to break it up into two days since we have the time off why not take time to really enjoy the journey and relax as much as possible. We can't check into the beach house till 4 anyway so why not make the most of it. I got us a hotel by the beach so if we want to that morning we could take him over to see the ocean for the first time.
Speaking of little boys growing up so fast we also had to switch him to his big boy car seat. He was loving it! I think he liked that it made him sit up more than the other one. He would always arch his back and try and sit up when we put him in the old car seat.
My little man is just growing to fast. 13 months today. Here he is yesterday in his new car seat:
He has started trying to walk this month and is so proud of himself getting those couple steps that he does. And as to talking it just kinda happened. Last week he was sitting at the kitchen table pulling on his bib he looked at me and said he wanted to take the bib off. I looked at him and told him no your still eating so you need to keep it on so he stopped pulling on it and kept eating and I couldn't help myself but stare. My baby just said a full sentence and he knew exactly what it was he was trying to say. He also started using the all done sign language to let us know when he's done eating, much preferred to what he was doing where he would just scream his head off.
We will be heading down to the beach next month and I just can not wait to see him there at the ocean. But even more than that he gets so overjoyed when he is with both Isaac and myself together. It's like he knows that this is how its supposed to be. He is going to love spending a week with us all day. We decided on the drive down to break it up into two days since we have the time off why not take time to really enjoy the journey and relax as much as possible. We can't check into the beach house till 4 anyway so why not make the most of it. I got us a hotel by the beach so if we want to that morning we could take him over to see the ocean for the first time.
Speaking of little boys growing up so fast we also had to switch him to his big boy car seat. He was loving it! I think he liked that it made him sit up more than the other one. He would always arch his back and try and sit up when we put him in the old car seat.
My little man is just growing to fast. 13 months today. Here he is yesterday in his new car seat:
Thursday, June 30, 2016
As Time Draws Near
Only 3 months to go and I will be meeting with the OBGYN in hopes to get the medication I need in order to have another baby. I'm not going to lie it makes me angry to think that this tiny little pill is all that stands between me and another child and there is no way to get it without a script from a DR. It makes me angry, sad and disappointed all together.
I realize now that I actually have an appointment set up that the only thing really standing in the way for me was well of course money; I don't have $600 a month to put towards testing or trying to get pregnant again. But more so there was the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder I seem to have. Just the thought of having to go in get blood work, ultrasounds ect; several times a week makes me come so very close to a panic attack. But the thought of being able to go through it with just blood work and fertility meds makes me so much happier indeed. I really pray that everything ends up working out as it should. But I guess in part some of that prayer needs to be that I really hope I'm okay too with the way God works everything out too.
I keep trying to tell myself that just because he did it for the one person(prescribing the meds without demanding all the extra testing) doesn't mean necessarily that it would be the same for me. There are of course different circumstances for different people.
I am kind of in shock though how I went form no never again to Oh I don't have to do all that then YES!!!! It really was kind of an eye opener for me. Though I'm not going to lie I still am praying/hoping I can get pregnant on my own but even the thought of having hope like that makes me roll my eyes. But one thing it has taught me is to stop planning. Stop trying to schedule my whole lie and just really live in the moment.
That being said as to the beautiful baby boy we have now I am just so stinking blessed. I swear I won the baby lottery. He is so easy to hang out with and make laugh. Rarely fusses thankfully and just overall is so much fun. Exhausting to take care of but so very fun. Isaac is out of town today and for the few days but today was the first day of just us where it was planned and it was honestly awesome. It was so fun to have my beautiful baby boy and not feel rushed to make dinner, clean up ect; all within an hour before bedtime. I decided tonight I would date myself. I put Ezekiel to bed, cooked one of my favorites that Isaac hates(good ole' southern red beans and rice) got myself a bottle of wine and rented pride prejudice and zombies. Overall a very relaxing evening planned. But that being said it makes me wonder why do I rush around as if I have to finish all that stuff. I know Isaac, I know he wouldn't care so why do I fight myself in order to get all this stuff done instead of taking time to enjoy actually being a family together. Isaac and I both notice that on days when Ezekiel is with both of us together(only on Sundays) that he just seems so happy. So shouldn't we strive for that whenever we can? But at the same time I feel Ezekiel needs some one on one time with his Daddy too. He See's him get home from work and he crawls to him as fast as those little legs can take him. When Isaac pics him up he hugs his face and occasionally kisses what part of his cheek isn't covered in beard hair. Overall though I think the general consensus is we are blessed. So blessed and whether we get another baby we will still feel that way. But of course it doesn't take the feelings away.
Heavenly Father we truly give all to you. We ask that you would guide us to be the parents you desire for us to be to Ezekiel and any other children you bring into our lives. We thank you that you will open the doors you want open for us and close those you want closed. Help us Lord to truly let go and truly surrender to you. We thank you Lord that our will isn't what will be done but yours. In your Name we pray. ~Amen
I realize now that I actually have an appointment set up that the only thing really standing in the way for me was well of course money; I don't have $600 a month to put towards testing or trying to get pregnant again. But more so there was the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder I seem to have. Just the thought of having to go in get blood work, ultrasounds ect; several times a week makes me come so very close to a panic attack. But the thought of being able to go through it with just blood work and fertility meds makes me so much happier indeed. I really pray that everything ends up working out as it should. But I guess in part some of that prayer needs to be that I really hope I'm okay too with the way God works everything out too.
I keep trying to tell myself that just because he did it for the one person(prescribing the meds without demanding all the extra testing) doesn't mean necessarily that it would be the same for me. There are of course different circumstances for different people.
I am kind of in shock though how I went form no never again to Oh I don't have to do all that then YES!!!! It really was kind of an eye opener for me. Though I'm not going to lie I still am praying/hoping I can get pregnant on my own but even the thought of having hope like that makes me roll my eyes. But one thing it has taught me is to stop planning. Stop trying to schedule my whole lie and just really live in the moment.
That being said as to the beautiful baby boy we have now I am just so stinking blessed. I swear I won the baby lottery. He is so easy to hang out with and make laugh. Rarely fusses thankfully and just overall is so much fun. Exhausting to take care of but so very fun. Isaac is out of town today and for the few days but today was the first day of just us where it was planned and it was honestly awesome. It was so fun to have my beautiful baby boy and not feel rushed to make dinner, clean up ect; all within an hour before bedtime. I decided tonight I would date myself. I put Ezekiel to bed, cooked one of my favorites that Isaac hates(good ole' southern red beans and rice) got myself a bottle of wine and rented pride prejudice and zombies. Overall a very relaxing evening planned. But that being said it makes me wonder why do I rush around as if I have to finish all that stuff. I know Isaac, I know he wouldn't care so why do I fight myself in order to get all this stuff done instead of taking time to enjoy actually being a family together. Isaac and I both notice that on days when Ezekiel is with both of us together(only on Sundays) that he just seems so happy. So shouldn't we strive for that whenever we can? But at the same time I feel Ezekiel needs some one on one time with his Daddy too. He See's him get home from work and he crawls to him as fast as those little legs can take him. When Isaac pics him up he hugs his face and occasionally kisses what part of his cheek isn't covered in beard hair. Overall though I think the general consensus is we are blessed. So blessed and whether we get another baby we will still feel that way. But of course it doesn't take the feelings away.
Heavenly Father we truly give all to you. We ask that you would guide us to be the parents you desire for us to be to Ezekiel and any other children you bring into our lives. We thank you that you will open the doors you want open for us and close those you want closed. Help us Lord to truly let go and truly surrender to you. We thank you Lord that our will isn't what will be done but yours. In your Name we pray. ~Amen
Monday, June 27, 2016
A Journey Through Motherhood
As I said in my last post I felt a change coming on. I didn't know what change and truth be told I could barely get my words together if I'm going to be honest with myself. But yet that feeling was there deep in the pit of my stomach.
God had begun to convict me recently on trying to plan too much of my life. I would say "Oh in so many years we will adopt then "...." will happen." But that isn't the way the world works and I have begun to see it that way.
I used to have a prayer I would pray over myself every day where I would speak into life believing that God was going to direct me down the path that He so desired me to walk down. That I was going to simply put all faith hope and trust in Him guiding my steps and that I would follow His leading and He would open doors for me to walk through.
So where am I going with this? Well as any of you readers who have been following me from the beginning you can see in my blog I have always said "In so many years we will do this then go to this ect;" But Yet things would then change. Then I would say "Oh well this will work better so we will do this." Just too much planning when it came right down to it. And yes it is good to have a plan. It's smart to have a plan. But sometimes that plan can get in the way of what God is trying to accomplish.
On Saturday I had a client come in who also had to do fertility treatments and actually went to the same practice as me. She started trying to conceive but instead of going back to the RE(Reproductive endocrinologist/fertility specialist) she found a obgyn that is willing to prescribe her the clomid/fremara that I had to take in order to conceive Ezekiel. She said that the only monitoring he requires is blood work. As she's speaking I get this overwhelming feeling of needing to call this Doctor to speak to him and to see him. It's almost too good to be true a obgyn who is actually willing to allow me to do the fertility drugs without all the excessive monitoring. I have heard of it multiple times but yet...maybe its too good to be true. Either way though I will find out. I booked an appointment with him in October (the earliest I can be seen) and will see if this is an option for me. If it is I would like to take it. If it's not then I know that God is officially closing the door to me being pregnant for the time being.
Already my brain has begun spinning on how the appointment might go. I'm praying I walk out of there with a script in my hand enabling me to become pregnant again. At the same time I'm thinking of what it will most likely be; that she was under special circumstances and that it really is too good to be true. All in all I am trying so very hard to trust God and really just follow His leading. But I do have peace about this. I have peace knowing that God's will shall be done. Isaac is very excited about the possibility to have another baby before we adopt. I'm not sure why he wants it in that order and honestly I don't know that he does either.
So where does this bring us? Well it brings us to my final point: I'm sure my more avid followers immediately noticed the change not only in Layout but also my blog title. It was originally "A journey to Motherhood" But I have now changed it to a Journey Through Motherhood. This is exactly where I am. I'm going through motherhood which in and of itself is not without its trials and hardships but is worth every single second. I love my son with all of my heart and can no longer imagine life without him. Now I think on how great it will be when we have even more that we feel that way about. Yes there are some days I count the very minutes before bedtime(today actually is one of those days) But they are all worth it. So here I am. A wanderer, a drifter, a traveler through motherhood. Excited to see what the future has in store; whether through adoption, pregnancy or even something else. I'm trying to let go, give God the reigns and just enjoy the journey.
I'm so glad to have you to follow me through it. And I hope you continue to follow me in a my Journey through motherhood as we find out all the treasures God has in store for us.
God had begun to convict me recently on trying to plan too much of my life. I would say "Oh in so many years we will adopt then "...." will happen." But that isn't the way the world works and I have begun to see it that way.
I used to have a prayer I would pray over myself every day where I would speak into life believing that God was going to direct me down the path that He so desired me to walk down. That I was going to simply put all faith hope and trust in Him guiding my steps and that I would follow His leading and He would open doors for me to walk through.
So where am I going with this? Well as any of you readers who have been following me from the beginning you can see in my blog I have always said "In so many years we will do this then go to this ect;" But Yet things would then change. Then I would say "Oh well this will work better so we will do this." Just too much planning when it came right down to it. And yes it is good to have a plan. It's smart to have a plan. But sometimes that plan can get in the way of what God is trying to accomplish.
On Saturday I had a client come in who also had to do fertility treatments and actually went to the same practice as me. She started trying to conceive but instead of going back to the RE(Reproductive endocrinologist/fertility specialist) she found a obgyn that is willing to prescribe her the clomid/fremara that I had to take in order to conceive Ezekiel. She said that the only monitoring he requires is blood work. As she's speaking I get this overwhelming feeling of needing to call this Doctor to speak to him and to see him. It's almost too good to be true a obgyn who is actually willing to allow me to do the fertility drugs without all the excessive monitoring. I have heard of it multiple times but yet...maybe its too good to be true. Either way though I will find out. I booked an appointment with him in October (the earliest I can be seen) and will see if this is an option for me. If it is I would like to take it. If it's not then I know that God is officially closing the door to me being pregnant for the time being.
Already my brain has begun spinning on how the appointment might go. I'm praying I walk out of there with a script in my hand enabling me to become pregnant again. At the same time I'm thinking of what it will most likely be; that she was under special circumstances and that it really is too good to be true. All in all I am trying so very hard to trust God and really just follow His leading. But I do have peace about this. I have peace knowing that God's will shall be done. Isaac is very excited about the possibility to have another baby before we adopt. I'm not sure why he wants it in that order and honestly I don't know that he does either.
So where does this bring us? Well it brings us to my final point: I'm sure my more avid followers immediately noticed the change not only in Layout but also my blog title. It was originally "A journey to Motherhood" But I have now changed it to a Journey Through Motherhood. This is exactly where I am. I'm going through motherhood which in and of itself is not without its trials and hardships but is worth every single second. I love my son with all of my heart and can no longer imagine life without him. Now I think on how great it will be when we have even more that we feel that way about. Yes there are some days I count the very minutes before bedtime(today actually is one of those days) But they are all worth it. So here I am. A wanderer, a drifter, a traveler through motherhood. Excited to see what the future has in store; whether through adoption, pregnancy or even something else. I'm trying to let go, give God the reigns and just enjoy the journey.
I'm so glad to have you to follow me through it. And I hope you continue to follow me in a my Journey through motherhood as we find out all the treasures God has in store for us.
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