As the world today seems to be in chaos my heart also seems to break.  I see so much hatred in the world from one religion to another.  One race to another.  Even Christians persecuting other Christians for their beliefs not lining up with what they feel it should be.  This political election brought out so much hatred in those around me.  It truly breaks my heart.

In this though I have re-awakened my love for those who are persecuted.  For the orphans and widows.  For those who don't have a voice for themselves.  My sister described it perfectly by saying:

Being truly pro-life means loving and rescuing both the unborn and born. How can we care more about a fertilized egg within a womb that those outside the womb? Human beings that are being tortured and dying? Why can't the answer be both? I urge fellow Christians in this time, to remember the story Jesus told of the good Samaritan. Ask yourself...
Are you the "Priest", the Levite or the Samaritan?

Luke 10:25-37
On one occasion an expert in the law stood up to test Jesus. “Teacher,” he asked, “what must I do to inherit eternal life?”
“What is written in the Law?” he replied. “How do you read it?”
He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.”
"You have answered correctly,” Jesus replied. “Do this and you will live.”
But he wanted to justify himself, so he asked Jesus, “And who is my neighbor?”
In reply Jesus said: “A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, when he was attacked by robbers. They stripped him of his clothes, beat him and went away, leaving him half dead. A priest happened to be going down the same road, and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side. So too, a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. But a Samaritan, as he traveled, came where the man was; and when he saw him, he took pity on him. He went to him and bandaged his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he put the man on his own donkey, brought him to an inn and took care of him. The next day he took out two denarii[c] and gave them to the innkeeper. ‘Look after him,’ he said, ‘and when I return, I will reimburse you for any extra expense you may have.’
“Which of these three do you think was a neighbor to the man who fell into the hands of robbers?”
The expert in the law replied, “The one who had mercy on him.”
Jesus told him, “Go and do likewise.”

I was truly struggling yesterday to put into both thought and words the things that were on my heart.  Many of you know before I was married I had the honor and privilege of traveling all over the globe working with, loving and providing for those who where being persecuted. Refugees, orphans, widows, prostitutes so many became like family to me. I have met people who were persecuted because of their faith, skin color, origin of birth..... I met a man who spent 10 years in jail due to his beliefs not lining up with those of the country's at the time. I had the honor of learning first hand your religion, skin tone or country of origin does NOT determine your character or personality. I have had and still do have friends who are Atheist, Agnostic, Wicken, Christian, Jewish and more. My heart is truly breaking for the blind eye and/or justification we as Christians are giving for not helping those in need. This is not to say that I think our screening process is perfect. It does need to change but in a way that doesn't turn a blind eye to those who might die tomorrow due to something we could have changed today. I'm not asking you to agree with me. But I can't just sit back and say nothing. I will be a voice for the voiceless.

I happened to look up the numbers of those who have died in Syria alone during 2016:

That is appalling and breaks my heart.  I went and looked through my pictures of my travels and came across a picture from my trip to Suriname of some refugee and tribe children I was able to love on and work with back in 2008.

I know this isn't what I normally would write about.  But this is something that is weighing heavily on my heart.  If I could I would take in all of the children who are hurting, broken, orphaned.  I would love the widows and be there for them in their time of distress.   I want to stand up for the injustice of  this world and let those who don't believe the same way as me know that it is okay!  You are still loved!  You are so special in the eyes of our creator!  He loves you just as much as he loves himself.  In fact He loves you even more than He loves himself.  I can not imagine the heartbreak that is taking place in heaven right now.


God forgive us.  Forgive us as a nation that claims to be serving you when in fact we are doing quite the opposite.  We persecute those who don't believe as we do claiming self defense.  We hate what we don't understand.  We think we must put ourselves first and foremost yet your word says he who wants to be greatest in the kingdom of God must put others first.  God help me to love those that others deem as unlovable.  Let  me be the light to them as you so desire.  Give our nations leaders wisdom to know what to do and how to go about it.  Let us stand up for those afflicted who don't have a voice for themselves.  Let us be your hands Lord Jesus.  ~Amen

 

One month down.....how many more to go?

Month one on Clomid has come and gone and so begins the next cycle.  I have to say despite not getting pregnant I was still very impressed with Clomid.  I had zero bleeding in my luteal phase and overall it seems like it will work for me.  I can't say I'm surprised that it didn't happen this month; especially considering if your hormones are all out of order it only makes sense that it would take a month or two to regulate back to how it should be. 


Rest assured my lovely readers I will keep you posted on how things pan out.  I plan on using this next month to hit the gym with even more dedication and try and get as fit as possible before anything happens.

Tomorrow Ezekiel and I are going on a mother son date with a friend to the Children's museum and I am very excited!  I know he is going to have a blast running around playing with everything and with me right there with him.  He loves it when I watch him play and interact with him.  It's almost like he sometimes needs the encouragement when he's in a new place to know that you are there and it is okay to play.  The look of sheer joy that comes across his face is beyond priceless.  Needless to say I am probably more excited than he is.  That is one thing I love about this time with having only him.  We are making unforgettable memories, or at least ones I will never forget.  I feel so blessed.

All I can really say is Clomid is a miracle drug.  No I haven't gotten a positive pregnancy test or anything.  But despite being super hormonal the first week and half or so things have seemed so normal for me.  But even better than my normal cycles or even what I took last time(Fremara).  I have always since going off birth control 5 years ago spotted/bled or gotten my period 3 days past ovulation.  Well I am now on 8 days past ovulation and have not spotted even once!  This is a miracle for me on it's own!  I am just thinking to myself that this is how it is always supposed to be.  How it is for "normal" women.  Hey it is the little things in life.

So how are we doing?  Well I can say that this two week wait is definitely different than any other I have ever experienced.  Normally I would be analyzing every single thing that happens thinking it is a sign for something but this time I am just kind of going with the flow of things.  Letting it happen on it's own.Which this in and of itself says something.

I have become slightly obsessed with working out.  Last time on fertility meds I gained 10 pounds almost immediately but I was determined to not allow this to set me back on everything I have worked so hard on.  So I took the side effect of clomid which made me feel like I drank 10 energy drinks back to back and ran with it.  Using that as motivation to work out. Get fit and keep moving.  So far it has seemed to work wonderfully.  Not only have I not gained any weight this month but I lost weight and can now say since March of last year I Have lost almost 30 pounds!  Wooo!  Yes feel free to applaud for me.

Now we come to talk about the other transitions in my life.  Well things definitely have been a challenge so to speak.  I like to be busy and productive and now we have reached the slow period of work(for salons across the board) where everyone just got their hair done for the holidays which is great and awesome but now comes the time to work your butt off to try and get more people in the chair.  My pastor taught a wonderful sermon though last week on stewardship and how stewardship is every single thing we do in our lives after we say we believe.  In this we need to take into account: REST.  The world has come to say that we are only as valuable as we are busy.  That if we aren't busy then we must not be as good as we should at organizing our lives, being productive ect;  But God calls us to Rest.  That during the slow times in our lives it causes us to put complete trust in him for our future.  I loved that!  I loved everything about it.  Today's sermon was on WORK and how with every gift, calling job we do we should do it with 100% in order to glorify God.  He used the example of a street sweeper.  Some might think oh what a lowly job but how is that job and less significant than anyone's.  “If a man is called to be a street sweeper, he should sweep streets even as a Michelangelo painted, or Beethoven composed music or Shakespeare wrote poetry. He should sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, ‘Here lived a great street sweeper who did his job well.”  Because you give your all and you do it in a way to glorify God.

I've thought about this a lot over the last couple years.  On how I can use my career to be a blessing to others.  And I know what I am going to do.  I know what God has called me to do.  Just not quite sure how it is going to come about.  But I Know that He will lead me.  Already he is opening doors for me to begin down that path.  So every day that is what I will do.  Every day I will go forward step by step in the direction I believe He wants me to go.  God I give you my future, I give you my present.  I give you my career, my family, my wants and my desires.  I ask that you would direct me in all things to make choices that will indeed glorify you.  ~Amen 

Holy Mother of all hormones.  I just can not get it together the past couple days.  I will randomly just break down and cry at the drop of the hat.  Anything will seem to set me off.  I know this isn't me and I just keep trying to remind myself of this but I'm not going to lie it is hard to not take things really personally or wrong.  I had an ex coworker message me last night saying God put her on my heart and she felt she needed to reach out.  As from my post last night you can see that it was definitely perfect timing.  She quit and moved out of state just a week or two after I had quit.  She understood exactly what I was saying and where I was coming from with everything.  It was nice to talk to some one openly who understood how hard it is to go from being surrounded constantly by friends and family to suddenly boom NOTHING.  So I will continue to take things day by day and know that eventually this will all be worth it.

Still no ovulation and not even seeming like I'm ready yet.  Last time on the fertility medication when I conceived with Ezekiel I think I would ovulate around cycle day 19 so I still have several days where that could change.  I'm just hoping I don't need to do too many rounds of the lower dose. 

I don't really have much new to say other than what I wrote yesterday beyond the fact that I really just need my mind to slow down, my heart to be at peace and my emotions to not be all over the place.

God you see my frustrations and aggravations.  I don't have much to say apart from help me to give it to you.  Every time I feel something well up that shouldn't be there help me to let it go Lord. 

Dive In

2017 is here and I feel....... lonely.  December 2016 I was in my element and feeling good and excited for the first time in weeks!  I was surrounded by family for the holidays, busy every day at work due to everyone wanting their hair done for Christmas.  Since quitting my old job I felt like I lost all my "friends".  I would send out multiple texts to people in the last 3 months asking for them to get together only to be put off over and over again by everyone but one.  After 3 months I just have lost my interest in trying anymore.  I'm not trying to be a downer here and I know I am extra hormonal from the fertility hormones I'm on but it's still frustrating.  Ladies who I hung out with and talked to for the last 6 years suddenly just seemed to disappear out of my life.  You can only pursue a friendship for so long before you realize that its all one sided.  And not that I can't make new friends.  I'm striving to do that every day at the gym, work, ect;  but I'm a people person and an extrovert.  I recharge being around people and actually having interactions with them versus and introvert who recharges by sitting alone and having "me time".  I feel like I've had enough "me time".  I want to get to know people.  I need to recharge.  I feel like I'm going crazy.  I want to make a difference in the lives of everyone I come into contact with. 

Work is actually going well though really slow at the moment.  I really love the attitudes that come with the salon where I am.  Every week we get positive group texts from the owners motivating us or challenging us to do better and how to overcome.  I know it's definitely the right environment for me.  It just sucks though when your used to having a full book for the last 6 years, friends to hang out with on your days off to suddenly nothing.  Where I have to fight and push myself every day to get my name out there and get people to come see me.  It really sucks because I know I'm good at what I do too and don't want to loose practice.   

What is my outlet with all this frustration?  Well I've started really working out and pushing myself at the gym which is helping for sure with my frustration but def not getting rid of it completely.  I know that I'm where I am supposed to be for now.  I'm trying really hard to continue to be a good steward over everything I'm given while believing in return that even more will come and work out.  I know I'm rambling and I'm sorry.  I just feel I had a rough day today and I don't know or see quite yet how it will get better.  But I'm going to close my eyes and dive into this new year knowing that God is in control and He will not let me fail. 

A look back on 2016

2016 Is coming to a close.  A lot has happened this year, mostly all good things:  Went to Louisiana twice.  Went to the beach in North Carolina.  Visited Isaac's parents a few times.  Had an unexpected positive pregnancy test.  Even if this did not take I still count it a positive.  It was the first time in over 4 years.  As of two days ago I started clomid.  And last but certainly not least my job change back in October.  I'm listing this last so that I can talk about it.

I said I would strive to be honest with my readers.  To let you guys see into the inside of my heart and mind.  Well I'm not going to lie this transition from working someplace for the last 6 years into starting from scratch has been scary.  Making my own name for myself has been one of the scariest things I've done in a really long time.  Even with all that fear I knew that it was exactly what I was being called to do.   I would have slow moments and jokingly think to myself well I can always go find a job somewhere else that has walk ins if I need to.  But even through the joking I would hear almost a resounding NO in my spirit.  Knowing this wasn't what I was supposed to do.  I would remind myself that I knew I was where I was supposed to be at this moment in my life.  And if God called me to start anew He would take care of the rest as long as I was faithful.  So I gave it to Him.  Every part of my business.  He is the one that I will rely on.  Money isn't everything of course but when you suddenly don't have what your used to having it can definitely be a scary thing.  But when I am in doubt He is faithful.  Beginning in the month of December I slowly had people I didn't know calling or messaging me for appointments.  They saw all the work I was putting out and wanted to come see me: My Hair Page  Next thing I know the little goals I set for myself (3 color clients a week, ect) are being met.  Even if it isn't happening till the week before.  But everything is falling into place.  I'm excited to see it continue to grow.  I don't see myself there forever but definitely where I'm supposed to be for now.  

As to beginning Clomid, another separate exciting adventure all on it's own.   So far (only on day 2) no bad sad effects which is awesome.  I feel really hyped up almost like I drank three pots of coffee on my own and have had trouble getting to sleep the last two nights but that could be too that maybe I did in fact drink coffee to late during the day.

It's amazing to me though how different stepping out into this journey this time is compared to last time.  Last time I felt like I was slowly dying each month that I didn't get my positive.  This time I feel overwhelmingly grateful already for the little miracle that we have and I love him so much I want another one.  And knowing how it worked last time I already feel like I assume it will work this time.  There isn't a doubt in my mind.   I feel it so strongly in fact that I started painting the room that will end up being the new kids room once we have two and deciding how I want to rearrange the crib with a toddler bed.   I think though if I am proven wrong in this that a whole new can of worms will open up.  But for now I will take this.

So all in all 2016 has been an amazing year to say the least. 

Ezekiel is in down for his nap.  Coffee is here in hand.  Worship music is on in the background.  Now it's time to catch you all up a little on what is going on with me.  The feeling of blahness for lack of a better word comes and goes.  But mostly gone.  I think it helps that I finally told Isaac how I have been feeling.  I explained to him how in part I just felt bored.  That I wanted was more adult interaction.  I wanted to be able to feel like I have a life outside of taking care of Ezekiel and waiting for him to come home.  I explained how I feel like I'm slowly disappearing into myself.  I told him how I really just didn't feel desirable no matter how I know he feels about me.  He listened and was able to encourage me but necessarily with words.  He simply has been there for me as I work through this.  Extra long hugs when he gets home.  Snuggling on the couch as we watch a movie.  Things that I feel like I've been missing or that we both took for granted when they where around.   

Slowly but surely the feeling has begun to ebb away.  I think in part it is getting better  because I have been so busy at work. I have actually felt like I've been doing well.    I have felt like I've been making a difference.   Something I haven't been feeling yet since I quit my old job.  I knew it would take time and still will take even more time to get where I want to be in the future.  But I know that God is faithful.  He led me on this new adventure in life and He will bring me success.   

Speaking of new adventures....my period should be starting on Christmas Day or a few days after.  Then we shall begin the new journey with the clomid and trying to get pregnant again.  I'm not nervous at all.  I'm actually not even anxious for it.  I feel just very calm, at peace and a sense that this is exactly what we are supposed to be doing.  So onward we go.  I think no matter what I can't help but look at it from a different angel than before.  I already have one miracle.  As much as I want another one I know that my heart is full and shall just expand to make room for others.

To each of you readers  I wish you a Merry Christmas.  I hope you have wonderful holidays.  We are really looking forward to Christmas this year since Ezekiel will actually understand what is going on.  I will be sure to come on and post pictures of our holiday together. 

~~~Until next time~~