I'm realizing more and more every day just how betrayed I have felt by the entire situation of loosing our baby.  I feel like that can be an eye roll or a pat on the shoulder accompanied by: "Of course you do."  But I have to be honest the extent that it goes surprises even me.  The idea of even allowing my body the chance of getting pregnant just makes me freeze and wonder: "Why would you even do it?"  Not because I wouldn't want another baby.  In fact if I could get pregnant tomorrow and guarantee that it would be a healthy pregnancy I believe I would most likely jump at the chance, or at least deeply consider it.  Since I wouldn't want to stop the adoption process since I know we are on the right path with that.  But it's the mere idea and realization that I have now been pregnant 4 times.  I have been over the moon 4 times and I only have one child.  If I where to get a positive pregnancy test I really and truly doubt that  I would be able to be happy about it until I knew 100% that that baby would make it to term and that the baby was healthy.  I feel I've been burned too many times and if this past experience taught me anything it is that there is no way to guarantee that things will be okay.  Part of me feels I'm being ridiculous.  That I should embrace the chance(however slight that may be) for the miracle that is pregnancy.  But I just can not do it.   I feel broken, incomplete physically and I don't trust my body anymore.

 I felt we where in a really good place emotionally before getting pregnant.  I genuinely did not care if it happened one way or another but then when we got pregnant I suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of protection for this little being that wasn't even formed yet.  And then it was taken away from me with no warning after over 9 weeks of excitement, planning and bliss.  Just like that my whole view of pregnancy 100% changed.  I used to feel it was a blessing.  A promise of things to come.  Now I have a hard time viewing it beyond being a burden, stress and a start of anxiety.  This is NOT saying the end result is how I view that.  In fact no child born is a mistake, a burden or a stress.  Any child born is a gift of God.  But it's amazing how I've come to really realize that the actual act of having a complete pregnancy is a miracle.  A true miracle.  I know I'm probably rambling and some of you have your hands over your mouths wondering how on earth could she be saying this.  I'll tell you how:  Grief.  It is a wave that hits with sadness, anger, acceptance over and over again in different orders.  I have learned to allow myself to process them as these orders come.  I guess the point of this is that I've realized I'm not all okay.  I am still hurting and broken and have scars that reach incredibly deep with this.  And you know what: that is okay.  I can move forward with my life but still mourn my loss.  I can allow myself to feel the sadness and yet heal as we move forward. 

And speaking of moving forward.  We have begun diving into our books  on adoption and have been learning so much. 

We also began our required classes and both found them so interesting and helpful.  I loved how they used hands on demonstrations in order to help you understand a little bit more what these kids have been through and how the trauma they have endured has effected them.

We are also grateful that we are spreading them out a little bit in order to give us more time to digest the information, read the books and get into the mindset that we are prepared to tackle whatever problems might arise.  It was 8 hours in a classroom but to be honest it didn't bother me in the least(except our back on those chairs).  In a way it was the most interesting date we have had in a very long time.

We know we are on the right path with this and are trying to keep an open heart and mind on the things that God is giving us. 

It's been a while since I've written.  But mainly that is just due to a lack of things to talk about.  Isaac and I have slowly but surely been getting our ducks in a row to move forward with the adoption.  We have our first big 9 hour class next Saturday.  All in all we are both feeling really blessed and excited about the whole process.  We know it's going to take a lot of work and going to be hard but we also know that we are doing the right thing.


We started reading a book together on how to relate and help kids who are adopted heal.  It has been very insightful for us to know that things we would consider normal that we can do with Ezekiel might not go over as well with an adopted child and why.  It has been very eye opening.

I'm keeping this blog entry brief just wanted to give a shout out to my readers and let you know we haven't forgotten about you.  We are indeed still moving forward we just haven't had much to report beyond paper work.  But starting next week that will change. 

I will definitely be making an effort to write more as we get in the throws of everything. 

Probably the most important papers I have ever held in my life. We filled out all our adoption application tonight. Sending it in Monday.  It brings tears of joy to my eyes.  I'm so blessed and so excited to be going down this path with my best friend.  It's so encouraging to see how excited Isaac is with everything.  It's almost like we are pregnant together in a sense and it's an exciting and relieving experience.  Before when It was me trying to get pregnant I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders.  Now I feel so much peace and joy as we run at this as equal partners. It's beyond amazing.

Orientation

Last night was step on in our adoption process:  The orientation.

It was so nice to put a face to the names of the social workers that we will be partnering with in this process.  It also gave us so much information we didn't have before and gave us an opportunity to ask questions.

During this time they showed us a video about the children who are older who are awaiting adoption.  It just confirmed to us that we are on the right path.  Those kids no matter that they are older are still just kids.  One kids story in particular just hit home.  He was 16 and in the 16 years that he has been in foster care he has only celebrated 2 Birthdays and 4 Christmas with a family.  He stated that he really just wanted a family in order to have the emotional support that goes with it.  Another child  12 years old stated she wanted a family because she wanted to feel special.  That just made me want to take her in my arms and let her know you are special regardless of your situation.

The social workers reiterated that yes these children are older and they have some sort of trauma background.  But when it comes to it they are still children.  They need someone to love them for who they are and to help them heal.

It was just once again confirmation for us that we are on the right path.

Originally we thought that we would just stick with Pennsylvania.  However we found out this agency has access to the nationwide foster care network and if we choose to pay for the home study ourselves versus having the state pay for it we are able to adopt from out of state as well.  This is something we are seriously considering since this would allow any child who we be a good match for our family to be considered.

It's a lot to take in and a lot to think about but again we both feel we are on the right path and know that this is the direction we are supposed to go.  

Registered

Over the last few weeks Isaac and I have felt more and more that we are ready to pursue adoption this year.  We weren't sure how we were going to feel as time went on and were thinking we would need to wait until after the orientation to move forward but when we sat down and went over all the papers and class schedules we realized that if we where going to do it this year that we wanted to sign up sooner rather than later.  Especially since a few of the required classes that we could attend are limited.

I reached out to the agency and asked if they would be willing to make an exception for us on registering for the classes before orientation and to my surprise they did.  We are now signed up for everything, have a sitter lined up for Ezekiel and overall are ready to move forward.  As long as everything works out as we have planned we will have all of the classes done by the end of August and after that all we have left to do is the 5 home study/evaluation classes, which we hope to have done soon after.  Our goal would be to start the matching process by Christmas at the latest. 

We both feel really good about this decision.  It's amazing how God has been working this in our hearts for so long that now that the time has finally come to move forward we are ready to spring into action.

My heart is excited for this change and anxious at the same time.  I want to continue to be the best mother I can be to Ezekiel while also being there 100% for whatever child/children join our home.  This is definitely a new adventure and one that I know is going to be full of its own kind of ups and downs.

This is not to say that I am healed and over the pain of our loss.  I certainly am not.  But that doesn't mean that I can not move forward in the vision and calling that God has placed on our family.  And I plan to do just that.  


God I ask that you would prepare our hearts to receive the knowledge that you will impart to us through these classes.  I ask that you would give us all the tools we need to be supportive and help bring healing to the children that come to us.  I ask for wisdom for the social workers as they go through the matching process with us.  I ask for discernment as we face decisions we have never had to face before.  I ask that you open all doors you want open and close those you want closed.  We thank you for it Lord  ~Amen

This right here just makes me so angry! It also reminds me of what was lost and rips the band aid right back off. This is the hospital bill I get to pay for absolutely nothing(only $405 less then the labor and delivery fee I paid for Ezekiel). Only this time there will be no baby joining us on the ride home.  I think a lot of people look at me and say wow she's doing so good.  She's keeeping a positive outlook and to be honest for the most part yes I am.  I am blessed with an amazing support system and a vision for the future which helps get me through every single day.  But you know what.  I'm still grieving.  I still think about the fall and how my two friends will be walking into Church with their new babies and I won't have mine.  I try to tell myself I'm not "pregnant" but in a different way(through adoption) but in reality nothing can replace that loss.  Today is very emotional.  I will get past it and continue to move forward but truth is....it stings.  It hurts and is so hard to feel.  But I need to feel in order to heal.  So I will let myself be sad because through that I will find peace. 

Yesterday I had a slight melt down.  Maybe melt down isn't the right word but right before work we received a break down of the hospital bill for our miscarriage.  It's only $500 less than the labor and delivery fee from when I had Ezekiel.  I realized I was going to be paying so much money for nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  And I broke.  I began to cry and be frustrated with the entire situation.  Isaac and I decided to just take the money we have put aside in savings and pay it off in order to spare the emotional trauma of every month sending in a check to the hospital or making a monthly payment as it would only serve as a constant reminder of what happened.  Again though I began to think of us adopting and bringing in a child in need and it blessed my heart.  I want this so badly.  I know in my heart it is the right decision for us.

Isaac and I finally sat down together and went over the adoption information that the agency sent us.  We both feel really good about them.  We also both are seeming to lean to wanting to start everything this year at some point.  We came up with a list of questions to go over with them. 

So there it is:  The small current update on our situation.