Tonight I want to delve into some emotions I've been dealing with for quite some time. I think tonight it is time to get a little raw. It's been a long time since I have allowed myself to really be open with my emotions on here. But to be honest it's not just on here it is with life in general. Because whether I am feeling like my emotions are stupid or wrong they are still there. I think one reason I haven't wanted to open them up and look at them is because in general I am just not wanting to deal with them.
But I'm going to change that. It's time to take the plunge. So where do I even start? Well I guess by just opening up pandora's box that is my mind and let it flow. That being said I'm going to ask you readers to bear with me as I'm sure it's going to seem like this is a tangent and an unbearable ramble but I feel like it will resonate with a lot of women out there hence I want to share this.
Every day is the same: Wake up to the sound of the monitor dragging myself half awake to Ezekiel's room where upon seeing him I can't help but smile. We go downstairs for breakfast. I fix his food put it in front of him to eat as I make myself a cup of coffee. Most of the time I don't eat breakfast with him but sip my coffee and check facebook as he eats. I then proceed to either 1-get ready for the gym and leave immediately upon him finishing breakfast or get ready to run errands or leave the house for something. 2- If it's a rather blustery or nasty day we will take ourselves the living room upon where we play with toys with Netflix on in the background or do laundry/clean house ect; All the while counting down till nap time. Nap time proceeds right after lunch and depending on when Ezekiel woke up for the day can start anywhere from 12-12:30 and normally lasts for 2 hours. In these two hours I cook, clean, answer emails, promote my business ect; as much as I possibly can. Close to the end of the 2 hours I begin to get bored and just wait for Ezekiel to wake up upon when he wakes we get a snack play and dinner then at 5 pm where the count down till Dad gets home begins. Somewhere in there I cook dinner, or at least get it prepped and the countdown till bedtime 7 pm starts.
Where am I going with this? Every single day it is the same. When the weather was nice and it wasn't freezing I was definitely able to put more things into this schedule but it seems like day after day even when I did put other things in there it is all the same. I'm getting to the point where I don't feel like me anymore. I miss my constant adult interaction, a few hours a week is barely cutting it for me. And even more than that I just don't feel beautiful anymore. I don't even feel mildly attractive. I will do my hair, make up and just look at myself and think egh. Now don't get me wrong this isn't me fishing for compliments or anything. I know other people would look at me and think I look nice or even that I am attractive but I just don't feel it. It's not that I feel ugly because that isn't it either. It's like I feel nothing. Part of me thinks is this what depression feels like? But I don't feel depressed. I don't hate life. I have happy moments and love being able to spend the day with Ezekiel and love going to work. But I'm not sure when the not feeling like me started.
If I break my life down it's not that anything in particular has happened to make me feel this way. Okay that's a lie. I've been dealing with emotions from the anniversary of Nathan's death, and just on November 12th we lost my nephew who was only 6 months to a disease. So grief has definitely been rearing it's ugly head and I've decided to try to shut out those emotions. I have also been dealing with anxiety attacks(rare but happening since Nathan's death anniversary) where I think of all the what if's in this big scary world of what could happen to Ezekiel. Maybe all this is part of the problem. But I don't feel desirable anymore. Isaac will tell me I look really good when I'm sitting in sweat pants and a t-shirt the moments I feel ugly but when I try to look nice I don't get any compliments unless I ask. I know he means it: He really thinks I'm beautiful all the time and the moments he tells me when I feel like I don't deserve it he is seeing me as beautiful. But that definitely doesn't help.
I keep going back to that post I wrote in my mind when Ezekiel was first born: Motherhood is sexy
Because I know that he finds me attractive in being a Mom. In being me. In doing what I do every day. I just wish I felt it.
I'm honestly not sure where I am going with this but I just felt like I needed to get it off of my chest. I feel sad yet not sadness at anything in particular. I guess sad that I feel this way because it is ridiculous right? I mean I get to be home with my son every single day which I have always wanted. I get to watch him grow as my husband provides for us. I get to go to work at a job that I love and change peoples lives. I want to say that this is just a phase but I honestly don't see a way out of it. I feel like I'm somewhat surrounded by a cloud. I know the sun rays are getting through but I don't feel them.
Every day I am seeing God's hand work and move in my life. Every day something happens that causes me to be in awe of His provision and goodness. I feel like there is no reason to feel how I feel. Though I still feel I'm a glass half full person. I still feel bubbly. So I really don't know where these feelings are coming from. Especially as it's getting to be more then just a passing fleeting here and there. I guess when it comes down to it with this then I just really have to let go and give it to God. But how do you give something to God that you aren't even sure what it is?
There it is: the pieces of my mind. I am not sure if any of you can or will relate and I hope for clarity in the next few days to put things in order in my mind and maybe make a little more sense of everything. On Sunday Isaac and I have a baby sitter to go out to lunch and I know that will be good for us.
Until next time.....which I'm going to make sooner rather than later.
Friday, December 9, 2016
Sunday, December 4, 2016
Time to take the plunge
I can't believe it is December. I swear the older you get the faster time seems to go by. We are doing well over here. Ezekiel seems to be growing like a weed. It's so amazing to watch him learn and discover new things. He now goes up and down the stairs on his own(though baby gates are up when we are not supervising this), takes off his pants and thinks it is hilarious, he has learned to give us the dreaded raspberries on the stomach or cheek. He has become quite a picky little eater. Taking a few bites of something then wanting nothing to do with it the next moment making dinner almost buffet style where he gets a little bit of everything.
We have indeed taken the plunge or rather will be taking the plunge to start clomid next cycle. I went and picked up the medication yesterday and to my delight found it was only $9.80! If I'm remembering correctly it was close to $40 every month for the Fremara. I'm excited to start this next chapter. I realized one of the biggest things holding me back was fear. I was afraid to do this because of the change I recently made in my career. Not knowing where we will be financially or what my business will look like. I'm one that likes to plan ahead and when the future seems a little unknown it's a scary thought bringing another child into that. Then I look back on all God has given us so far. How every time we have had a need He has met it above and beyond what we expected.
The scripture Matthew 25:23 keeps coming to mind: "His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things." Isaac and I have made a commitment to tithe out of what we make even if the money seems like something we can't let go of. But the more we let go the busier I get at work, the more our checkbook seems to stretch. I shouldn't be surprised. I have seen this time and time again. God really is a provider for all of his children. He truly pours into us as we need it. We decided to follow God's leading on this and move forward as He leads us. We both have peace that getting pregnant again right now is the direction we should go. So that is what we are doing. We are just going to allow him to open the doors that need to be opened as we do so.
I feel like that is about all I have to share right now though I know I have plenty I could write about time is always a very limited factor now days.
~Until Next Time
We have indeed taken the plunge or rather will be taking the plunge to start clomid next cycle. I went and picked up the medication yesterday and to my delight found it was only $9.80! If I'm remembering correctly it was close to $40 every month for the Fremara. I'm excited to start this next chapter. I realized one of the biggest things holding me back was fear. I was afraid to do this because of the change I recently made in my career. Not knowing where we will be financially or what my business will look like. I'm one that likes to plan ahead and when the future seems a little unknown it's a scary thought bringing another child into that. Then I look back on all God has given us so far. How every time we have had a need He has met it above and beyond what we expected.
The scripture Matthew 25:23 keeps coming to mind: "His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things." Isaac and I have made a commitment to tithe out of what we make even if the money seems like something we can't let go of. But the more we let go the busier I get at work, the more our checkbook seems to stretch. I shouldn't be surprised. I have seen this time and time again. God really is a provider for all of his children. He truly pours into us as we need it. We decided to follow God's leading on this and move forward as He leads us. We both have peace that getting pregnant again right now is the direction we should go. So that is what we are doing. We are just going to allow him to open the doors that need to be opened as we do so.
I feel like that is about all I have to share right now though I know I have plenty I could write about time is always a very limited factor now days.
~Until Next Time
Wednesday, November 2, 2016
2 Years
This past week has been a whirl wind of emotions. We came once again upon the anniversary of my brothers suicide. I can't believe it has been two years. That truly flew by so fast. I realized over the last two years that time really doesn't heal the pain of loss. But even more than that is that it truly doesn't even numb it. That when those moments come of reliving the loss and emptiness that is left behind it can be just as raw as it was before.
I also came to the conclusion this past week on how I feel in regards to accepting the mantle that was left unfilled by Nathan onto our next child. The answer is no. No I do not want it. I don't want to sit back and be comparing my child's life to Nathan all the time. I don't want to be looking for similarities. Our children deserve their own separate identities completely apart from the pain that was left behind.
So much change has taken place in the past several months sometimes it is hard to look ahead at everything. I look at my job change, where we are now with going forward with fertility medications, Ezekiel getting older. All of it.
"Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you." Deuteronomy 31:8
I feel that every day God is going ahead of us bringing us closer to him and into the direction that He would have us to go. This picture I took of Ezekiel truly made me think of this.
Its a huge huge world but He leads me in the right direction. He guides me in the way He would have me go. He opens doors for me that only He can open. He shuts those only he can shut.
God I truly lay it all down at your feet. I ask for your continued grace, provision and guidance in the way you would have us to go. I ask that you would draw me into your presence Lord in everything. I ask for your continued peace and healing in our lives as we move forward to try and continually seek after you. We praise you for it Lord. ~Amen
I also came to the conclusion this past week on how I feel in regards to accepting the mantle that was left unfilled by Nathan onto our next child. The answer is no. No I do not want it. I don't want to sit back and be comparing my child's life to Nathan all the time. I don't want to be looking for similarities. Our children deserve their own separate identities completely apart from the pain that was left behind.
So much change has taken place in the past several months sometimes it is hard to look ahead at everything. I look at my job change, where we are now with going forward with fertility medications, Ezekiel getting older. All of it.
"Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you." Deuteronomy 31:8
I feel that every day God is going ahead of us bringing us closer to him and into the direction that He would have us to go. This picture I took of Ezekiel truly made me think of this.
Its a huge huge world but He leads me in the right direction. He guides me in the way He would have me go. He opens doors for me that only He can open. He shuts those only he can shut.
God I truly lay it all down at your feet. I ask for your continued grace, provision and guidance in the way you would have us to go. I ask that you would draw me into your presence Lord in everything. I ask for your continued peace and healing in our lives as we move forward to try and continually seek after you. We praise you for it Lord. ~Amen
Wednesday, October 19, 2016
New beginnings x2
Today was a good day. Today I walked out of my new Drs. office feeling like a person not a number. He actually listened to my history, asked questions and proved himself to be very knowledgeable. I also walked out with a script for Clomid in my hands. So I suppose this begins another new chapter. We will wait till December or January to start it just due to traveling next month and sharing a hotel room with family. Not exactly good timing for scheduled sex.
I'm feeling relieved. I didn't expect things to go the way that they did. I honestly was so scared he was going to blow me off but it was just the opposite. For now he gave me 2 months on the lower dose and if I don't get pregnant in those two months he is going to up my dosage little by little till we find what works for us.
This is exciting and nerve wracking at the same time. Exciting because we can have another baby without having to go through all the crazy I went through last time. Never wracking because everything right now is so new. My new job/business that I'm building for myself. That right there is a little stressful. But it doesn't mean that it wont happen. God has proven himself to always provide! I will feed on his faithfulness.
Little man is waking from his nap so I'm afraid I have to cut this short but I do actually have quite a lot to say about the new chapter we just started so I'll be on soon.
I'm feeling relieved. I didn't expect things to go the way that they did. I honestly was so scared he was going to blow me off but it was just the opposite. For now he gave me 2 months on the lower dose and if I don't get pregnant in those two months he is going to up my dosage little by little till we find what works for us.
This is exciting and nerve wracking at the same time. Exciting because we can have another baby without having to go through all the crazy I went through last time. Never wracking because everything right now is so new. My new job/business that I'm building for myself. That right there is a little stressful. But it doesn't mean that it wont happen. God has proven himself to always provide! I will feed on his faithfulness.
Little man is waking from his nap so I'm afraid I have to cut this short but I do actually have quite a lot to say about the new chapter we just started so I'll be on soon.
Wednesday, October 5, 2016
Time For Change
I had said in one of my latest posts that I felt like change was coming but I couldn't quite put a finger on it. Well change has most certainly come. It's not in the form I expected and it to be quite honest is a little scary but I have so much peace it's literally overwhelming. So what is the change?
This change is that I quit my job of 6 years to go a different direction. For those of you who have not followed me from the beginning I am a hair dresser and absolutely love what I do. I have been at the same salon for the past 6 years and have become a manager and trainer for them. I was paid hourly plus tips so not like your typical commission based salon. Lately I had been feeling like it is time to move on. I can't explain why just that there is something better out there for me. Not that I didn't appreciate where I was because that is definitely not it at all but just a calling into a different direction. So I typed up my resume and waited. Over a few months time I had a few opportunities that came along that just didn't add up for me. Let's back track a little for this to make sense: a long time ago God had spoke to my heart I could go to school for whatever I wanted to go for but in the end I would need to lay it down to do what He has called me to do. I didn't really understand what that meant back then, I thought it meant going into ministry or something along that line. No God meant it in the realm of being a Mom. I am to be there for my kids, not put them in daycare. By doing so this is in fact a sacrifice....I'm giving up time and space to grow in the career that I love along with being around adults my own age all day. For anyone who knows me they will tell you I am a huge people person. I love to meet new people and interact with them on a regular basis. So I am lucky enough with my; I guess now I have to call it "old" job to be able to stay at home with Ezekiel during the day and then go to work in the evenings two nights a week and on Saturday. Sorry I know it seems like I'm going backwards but really back to the story. Last week I accepted an offer from a Salon that I'm still kind of blown away by everything. They posted their resume, I applied and within four hours I had a phone interview, the next day a face to face interview then a job offer immediately...It was one of those things where before I sent the application in I prayed Okay God I'm following your leading and you are going to open doors for me to walk through if this is you and if not I ask you would shut the door. So when the owner called me we talked and every single thing that proved the breaking point at other salons I looked at he kept saying: nope, nope doesn't bother me, not a problem ect; So every single reason I gave him being prepared in order for him to say oh sorry that wont work just never happened. So then I went a step further and said things I wanted and it was already what they practiced: I can take as much time off as I want without penalties. If I want to see my family during the holidays I can see my family, no black out dates. Eventually more $$ once I get a full book. I can get certified in a color line and start teaching educational classes with that. The owner has actually done A list Celebrities hair and has so much to teach us it's so many good things that I am super excited about!
Where does this step of Faith come from then? It comes from me starting over. I no longer get paid hourly...a steady income ready to come all the time. Now I must rely on getting clients in to see me and everything is commission based. This will be good for me in the long run but scary until I get clients. So hey if your in the Pittsburgh Area and feel like you need a new style ;-) just let me know. Isaac and I both know this is what I am supposed to do. It was definitely really hard thought to leave my clients and co workers who I have known and loved for the past 6 years.
It will all end up working out though exactly as it should. It always does. God is so incredibly faithful even when we aren't.
So that being said I think I should post some hair pictures...you know in case anyone feels like flying to me for their hair.
This change is that I quit my job of 6 years to go a different direction. For those of you who have not followed me from the beginning I am a hair dresser and absolutely love what I do. I have been at the same salon for the past 6 years and have become a manager and trainer for them. I was paid hourly plus tips so not like your typical commission based salon. Lately I had been feeling like it is time to move on. I can't explain why just that there is something better out there for me. Not that I didn't appreciate where I was because that is definitely not it at all but just a calling into a different direction. So I typed up my resume and waited. Over a few months time I had a few opportunities that came along that just didn't add up for me. Let's back track a little for this to make sense: a long time ago God had spoke to my heart I could go to school for whatever I wanted to go for but in the end I would need to lay it down to do what He has called me to do. I didn't really understand what that meant back then, I thought it meant going into ministry or something along that line. No God meant it in the realm of being a Mom. I am to be there for my kids, not put them in daycare. By doing so this is in fact a sacrifice....I'm giving up time and space to grow in the career that I love along with being around adults my own age all day. For anyone who knows me they will tell you I am a huge people person. I love to meet new people and interact with them on a regular basis. So I am lucky enough with my; I guess now I have to call it "old" job to be able to stay at home with Ezekiel during the day and then go to work in the evenings two nights a week and on Saturday. Sorry I know it seems like I'm going backwards but really back to the story. Last week I accepted an offer from a Salon that I'm still kind of blown away by everything. They posted their resume, I applied and within four hours I had a phone interview, the next day a face to face interview then a job offer immediately...It was one of those things where before I sent the application in I prayed Okay God I'm following your leading and you are going to open doors for me to walk through if this is you and if not I ask you would shut the door. So when the owner called me we talked and every single thing that proved the breaking point at other salons I looked at he kept saying: nope, nope doesn't bother me, not a problem ect; So every single reason I gave him being prepared in order for him to say oh sorry that wont work just never happened. So then I went a step further and said things I wanted and it was already what they practiced: I can take as much time off as I want without penalties. If I want to see my family during the holidays I can see my family, no black out dates. Eventually more $$ once I get a full book. I can get certified in a color line and start teaching educational classes with that. The owner has actually done A list Celebrities hair and has so much to teach us it's so many good things that I am super excited about!
Where does this step of Faith come from then? It comes from me starting over. I no longer get paid hourly...a steady income ready to come all the time. Now I must rely on getting clients in to see me and everything is commission based. This will be good for me in the long run but scary until I get clients. So hey if your in the Pittsburgh Area and feel like you need a new style ;-) just let me know. Isaac and I both know this is what I am supposed to do. It was definitely really hard thought to leave my clients and co workers who I have known and loved for the past 6 years.
It will all end up working out though exactly as it should. It always does. God is so incredibly faithful even when we aren't.
So that being said I think I should post some hair pictures...you know in case anyone feels like flying to me for their hair.
Thursday, September 15, 2016
We have had an insanely busy month this past month. My period came and went so no pregnancy. That however turned out to be a blessing in disguise as I ate something(Blackrasberry icecream) and found out I am allergic to it. Broke out in hives, dealt with a little throat swelling and just overall horrible experience. Had to go on steroids in order to finally clear up and that in and of itself was a nightmare. I hate the way they made me feel. So our trying to get pregnant is on hold now then for a few months since if we were to get pregnant this month we'd have another baby born in June, I'd be flying down to Louisiana pregnant and a lot more de ja vu then I want to have. We wont prevent obviously but I"m going to take a break from the ovulation tests timed sex ect; Play by the old rule if it happens it happens.
Ezekiel is growing like a weed and its amazing to see his character come out. He is the sweetest little boy in the world; he is full of love, hugs and kisses for us. He really just melts my heart. Today I took him to a Play area in a local mall and just watched him run around and play and it struck me that two years ago I really didn't think I would ever be able to be here. I really wondered and questioned if we would in fact get pregnant. Yes I had the promises of God there and I was holding onto those but the doubts plagued me daily. And as I watched him today I was overcome with gratitude. Gratitude that God gave me an amazing son that is running around playing at toys turning around to smile at me and make sure I'm watching. And in that moment I truly realize how blessed I am. Yes I have known, and continue to know every single day but feel even more grateful then before.
I daily want to seek out new adventures with him. Let him explore and discover the world with me by his side to protect him while I can because one day sooner than I'd like he will spread his wings and not need me quite as much. Isaac made a joke the other day on only 15 more years till he can drive and my immediate response was Oh my gosh that's so soon!!! He just laughed at me but that's truly how I feel I feel like it all flies by so fast and that in a blink of an eye it will be gone. So I want to cherish every single moment of it. Cherish every second.
In two weeks we will be flying to visit my best friend and her new little one. I'm both nervous and excited about traveling with Ezekiel by myself. Thankfully he's such a chill baby I really do not foresee any issues but you never know. I'm just hoping with everything being so new he'll want to just stay by me and look around versus run around all over exploring. So we shall see how that goes.
Ezekiel is growing like a weed and its amazing to see his character come out. He is the sweetest little boy in the world; he is full of love, hugs and kisses for us. He really just melts my heart. Today I took him to a Play area in a local mall and just watched him run around and play and it struck me that two years ago I really didn't think I would ever be able to be here. I really wondered and questioned if we would in fact get pregnant. Yes I had the promises of God there and I was holding onto those but the doubts plagued me daily. And as I watched him today I was overcome with gratitude. Gratitude that God gave me an amazing son that is running around playing at toys turning around to smile at me and make sure I'm watching. And in that moment I truly realize how blessed I am. Yes I have known, and continue to know every single day but feel even more grateful then before.
I daily want to seek out new adventures with him. Let him explore and discover the world with me by his side to protect him while I can because one day sooner than I'd like he will spread his wings and not need me quite as much. Isaac made a joke the other day on only 15 more years till he can drive and my immediate response was Oh my gosh that's so soon!!! He just laughed at me but that's truly how I feel I feel like it all flies by so fast and that in a blink of an eye it will be gone. So I want to cherish every single moment of it. Cherish every second.
In two weeks we will be flying to visit my best friend and her new little one. I'm both nervous and excited about traveling with Ezekiel by myself. Thankfully he's such a chill baby I really do not foresee any issues but you never know. I'm just hoping with everything being so new he'll want to just stay by me and look around versus run around all over exploring. So we shall see how that goes.
Thursday, September 1, 2016
Promises
It's been quite a while since I've had time to write. The month of August literally feels like it was nonstop. Let's see what are the highlights of this month?
~Ezekiel is now walking
~He has 9 teeth with a 10th on the way
~I bought tickets to go visit one of my best friends in Oklahoma who had her baby(I will be flying alone with Ezekiel and am a little nervous)
That about sums up August in the "events" category. But when it comes to beyond that I just feel like I'm entering a time of transition. I am not exactly sure what yet. Part of me wonders at it, is excited for it and the other part of me is nervous. Even though I don't know yet what it is I just feel it coming.
I'll be honest as I'm sure a lot of you readers can guess the biggest part of me is hoping its a new little one being added to the family. So far I have a lot of peace when it comes to that but I also feel like its even more than that. Like I feel like God is about to rock our world in a wonderful way but I'm not quite sure how. I can't explain this feeling but its there.
~~~Trigger Warning for all my readers dealing with infertility~~~And It's about to get spiritual~~~
Last month when I was in the process of loosing the pregnancy that we had miraculously obtained I sat back and just looked at everything. I looked at it all not with sadness but amazement. Here I had given up all hope of ever conceiving on my own without medical intervention. And yet even though it did not stay we received a miracle. I then felt, as I often have Not only God's presence but Nathan's. It's been a very long time since I have felt Nathan there with me. God then spoke to my heart saying that Nathan knows the calling that was placed on his life was unfilled and if we should choose to accept it the next child we have can have that mantel/calling placed upon them. If we choose not to accept it God will not withhold his blessing, but if we choose to accept it with that comes responsibilities. I then saw as clear as day a church service from my youth, a guest speaker was there praying over my mother. He told her: "Your youngest son will have the fire of God burning in his eyes. Demons shall quake in fear from the power of the Lord that manifests itself in him....."There was a lot more but that phrase always stuck out to me. I was then reminded when Nathan was just 4 years old He had been talking to my parents about spiritual gifts and what they entail. They got to speaking about the gift of speaking in tongues and Nathan was asking how he could get that gift. He then told my parents he had been seeing demons watching him when he was alone.(This is powerful stuff coming from a 4 year old but for me not surprising since I was little I was very open to that stuff as well and was able to see and understand things adult minds has since grown out of or closed to). They told him all he needed to do was ask and pray and God would protect him, I honestly don't think they even remember him talking to them about that, since I told them what he told me: I went to the bathroom and I was peeing and saw skulls and demons all staring at me so I prayed in tongues and they all went away!!!! He was so excited! He at 4 years old had not only received a spiritual gift his young mind had wanted but he had also expelled fear and demons. That is one very powerful mantel. So if we were to choose to accept this it would be our responsibility to not only raise this child(boy or girl) into a fine young human but at even a young age we will be responsible for them spiritually. Teaching them how to use the gifts that God has given them. How to grow...but also it will be our duty to fight for them spiritually always. This battle will not end. And yes I know we are always supposed to stand up pray and fight for our kids but this is a different battle. For those of you who have ever done true intersession you know what I am talking about it weighs on you, heavy and hard and it would always be there. This is the responsibility that comes with raising this world changer. So I talked to Isaac and wear re still praying about it. Believing we are getting pregnant as we speak but waiting for God to give us the strength and know how of what's to come if we do accept this mantel. In that time that God was speaking all this to my heart I could feel Nathan's blessing there. I know part of me wants to jump up and say yes this is it we will do it simply because it was Nathan's but the other part of me is reserved knowing this really is not a task to be taken lightly. I saw that mantel on that young 4 year old and I saw what happened when he didn't know how to use it or fight it.
God I ask for you to continue to place on Isaac and I's heart the correct way to go with this. I know you have truly given us the choice and with that choice comes sacrifice. I am so honored that you feel we ourselves can do it, I'm sure Nathan helped you with that one. But Lord let us not take this decision lightly. Help us to continue to seek after you in this and to truly understand what that sacrifice means. We praise you for it Lord. ~Amen
Whew yes I know that got really deep but I feel like two things come from that: One God is giving us another child. Two- they will be a world changer
I'm currently about 7 days past ovulation and have the same exact thing happening as happened last time, I started bleeding heavy on and off where when its bleeding its like faucet has been switched on but will all the sudden stop. This started yesterday and today seems to be tapering off. Last time it was 3 days so I'm praying this might be implantation bleeding again. I seem to get that with each of the 3 pregnancies I have. Wow 3 pregnancies and only one baby so far. But I have peace beyond measure that if I get pregnant this time that God's hand will be on it just like He was for Ezekiel. I can't explain it but I just know that he sees us, sees what we are doing and is going to bless us!
~Ezekiel is now walking
~He has 9 teeth with a 10th on the way
~I bought tickets to go visit one of my best friends in Oklahoma who had her baby(I will be flying alone with Ezekiel and am a little nervous)
That about sums up August in the "events" category. But when it comes to beyond that I just feel like I'm entering a time of transition. I am not exactly sure what yet. Part of me wonders at it, is excited for it and the other part of me is nervous. Even though I don't know yet what it is I just feel it coming.
I'll be honest as I'm sure a lot of you readers can guess the biggest part of me is hoping its a new little one being added to the family. So far I have a lot of peace when it comes to that but I also feel like its even more than that. Like I feel like God is about to rock our world in a wonderful way but I'm not quite sure how. I can't explain this feeling but its there.
~~~Trigger Warning for all my readers dealing with infertility~~~And It's about to get spiritual~~~
Last month when I was in the process of loosing the pregnancy that we had miraculously obtained I sat back and just looked at everything. I looked at it all not with sadness but amazement. Here I had given up all hope of ever conceiving on my own without medical intervention. And yet even though it did not stay we received a miracle. I then felt, as I often have Not only God's presence but Nathan's. It's been a very long time since I have felt Nathan there with me. God then spoke to my heart saying that Nathan knows the calling that was placed on his life was unfilled and if we should choose to accept it the next child we have can have that mantel/calling placed upon them. If we choose not to accept it God will not withhold his blessing, but if we choose to accept it with that comes responsibilities. I then saw as clear as day a church service from my youth, a guest speaker was there praying over my mother. He told her: "Your youngest son will have the fire of God burning in his eyes. Demons shall quake in fear from the power of the Lord that manifests itself in him....."There was a lot more but that phrase always stuck out to me. I was then reminded when Nathan was just 4 years old He had been talking to my parents about spiritual gifts and what they entail. They got to speaking about the gift of speaking in tongues and Nathan was asking how he could get that gift. He then told my parents he had been seeing demons watching him when he was alone.(This is powerful stuff coming from a 4 year old but for me not surprising since I was little I was very open to that stuff as well and was able to see and understand things adult minds has since grown out of or closed to). They told him all he needed to do was ask and pray and God would protect him, I honestly don't think they even remember him talking to them about that, since I told them what he told me: I went to the bathroom and I was peeing and saw skulls and demons all staring at me so I prayed in tongues and they all went away!!!! He was so excited! He at 4 years old had not only received a spiritual gift his young mind had wanted but he had also expelled fear and demons. That is one very powerful mantel. So if we were to choose to accept this it would be our responsibility to not only raise this child(boy or girl) into a fine young human but at even a young age we will be responsible for them spiritually. Teaching them how to use the gifts that God has given them. How to grow...but also it will be our duty to fight for them spiritually always. This battle will not end. And yes I know we are always supposed to stand up pray and fight for our kids but this is a different battle. For those of you who have ever done true intersession you know what I am talking about it weighs on you, heavy and hard and it would always be there. This is the responsibility that comes with raising this world changer. So I talked to Isaac and wear re still praying about it. Believing we are getting pregnant as we speak but waiting for God to give us the strength and know how of what's to come if we do accept this mantel. In that time that God was speaking all this to my heart I could feel Nathan's blessing there. I know part of me wants to jump up and say yes this is it we will do it simply because it was Nathan's but the other part of me is reserved knowing this really is not a task to be taken lightly. I saw that mantel on that young 4 year old and I saw what happened when he didn't know how to use it or fight it.
God I ask for you to continue to place on Isaac and I's heart the correct way to go with this. I know you have truly given us the choice and with that choice comes sacrifice. I am so honored that you feel we ourselves can do it, I'm sure Nathan helped you with that one. But Lord let us not take this decision lightly. Help us to continue to seek after you in this and to truly understand what that sacrifice means. We praise you for it Lord. ~Amen
Whew yes I know that got really deep but I feel like two things come from that: One God is giving us another child. Two- they will be a world changer
I'm currently about 7 days past ovulation and have the same exact thing happening as happened last time, I started bleeding heavy on and off where when its bleeding its like faucet has been switched on but will all the sudden stop. This started yesterday and today seems to be tapering off. Last time it was 3 days so I'm praying this might be implantation bleeding again. I seem to get that with each of the 3 pregnancies I have. Wow 3 pregnancies and only one baby so far. But I have peace beyond measure that if I get pregnant this time that God's hand will be on it just like He was for Ezekiel. I can't explain it but I just know that he sees us, sees what we are doing and is going to bless us!
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