Next month my prescription for the clomid will no longer be valid.  I remember thinking most likely I was going to fill it and keep it on hand for when I am ready to have another child.  I had really believed that I would get to a point where I would be willing to try again in the future.  But truth be told the further we get from loosing our children and with Ezekiel growing up the less I seem to want it.  The thoughts of asking Isaac to get a vasectomy have even come to my mind.  I know this is extreme.  I know I'm feeling the way I am due to a couple reasons one being that I really don't feel like I could handle another miscarriage and the second being that honestly: new borns are a lot of work.  I feel selfish for feeling this way as I truly know that all babies are blessings but I also just feel it is not for me anymore.  I'm ready to let go and move on and towards our future. 

Then I am reminded how young we both really are though we don't feel it.  But I know that God really has blessed us with an amazing baby boy and we are about to be blessed with more children.  I know that if He were to bless us with another pregnancy and if it was complication free I would feel beyond blessed.  But at the same time I also already feel that way.  I feel like even on here my mind is going in circles.

But As I said that I am ready to let go.  I am not renewing my script for clomid and feel very strong in this decision.  If I ever do decide no more birth control then it will be at a time when I am willing to just not try but also not prevent.  Beyond that though I just don't have any desire at all to actively pursue getting pregnant.  As I have said though in my other posts that especially now knowing that it would cause the adoption to be put on hold we are just not ready or willing for that to happen. 

I guess that is really what I have wanted to share.  I see it almost like another confirmation that we are on the right track.  I'm not running to have it filled nor having second thoughts about it.  I will continue to press forward in this.

We are also approaching yet another year when we lost Nathan.  I told Isaac I want to take the day off and have us all just go out to eat together and take time as a family to just cherish each other.  So that is what I plan to do.  I miss him so much.  I'm saddened over and over again by the fact I will never get to talk to him face to face.  He will never meet my son.  I miss that laugh and the sarcastic sense of humor.  I wish I could hug him one more time.