Happy Birthday Little Angel

Yesterday I started writing this blog post but wasn't able to finish.  Yesterday our angel baby would have been turning a year old.  It's amazing to me that even though we were only pregnant for about 4/5 weeks that I can not get that due date out of my head.  The could haves the what ifs coming to mind.  Would it have been a boy or girl?  Would Ezekiel have an older brother or sister.  All these things coming into mind.  But then I'm reminded of the beautiful miracle I have upstairs napping in his crib.  How I am beyond blessed at my handsome son.

I'll say it again I am beyond blessed.  But that being said it doesn't make your heart not feel for the one that didn't make it, especially now knowing how very precious life really is.  There is nothing better than being a Mom.  It is the best thing I have ever had to do.

Soon it will be Mother's Day and the first Mother's day where I will be a Mom through and through and I can not wait to celebrate it.  To celebrate every second of it with lots of hugs and kisses with my family.  The cry of my heart truly is that God would help us to raise Ezekiel up into a loving caring child.  That he would seek the Lord with all his heart and realize at a young age just how amazing our God truly is.  I want to be able to be the best Mom possible that I can be for him.

This week(tomorrow actually) also marks Nathan's birthday.  The second one he will not be able to celebrate with us.  I know my family, my parents especially, are hurting.  And I wish I could give them all huge hugs right now and lots of love.

But Nathan will be having his own little party in heaven.  I know my Dad is having a hard time letting go and letting things get easier.  He feels guilty when he is happy and enjoying life.  He has read every book he can get his hands on about dealing with grief and says he knows it is just part of the grieving process.  But I just wish he could let himself experience joy.  Let himself experience peace.  He doesn't have to torture himself with the I wish I would have done this.......  But it's an easier said than done experience.   And I know everyone experiences grief differently.

On another brighter note.  I can't believe I'm even saying this but I sent out Ezekiel's 1st birthday invitations today!  I'm so excited that my Mom and Dad are both flying in for the party.  It will be so good to celebrate the life and milestone together.

I decided we are going to do a peach party theme.  So it will be fun times and yes I shall post pictures when the time comes.

The Future

Why do we put so much stock in the future over the present?  Why not live every day in the moment?  Is it because we are survivors? Trained to every day push harder, be better, make more money, do this do that.  The never ending perpetual wheel.

Where am I going with this?  Well I feel like my last post I had to just end it abruptly without getting into depth of what is on my heart:  both adoption and being pregnant.

So where do I actually stand?  Do I actually HAVE to make a choice?  The answer is no.  I can have both and that is actually what I want.  I want to have another baby and I would love to get pregnant right now but that being said if I was forced to make a choice.  If I was forced to decide between getting pregnant again or taking in one of those little ones that are already here and need love I would choose the latter.  I would adopt.  But Isaac and I both feel called to adopt, this will not change.  And the more we talk about it the more we know without a doubt this is what we are definitely called to do.  But it is scary thinking about doing that and having two babies as well, or at least to him it is.  If I had my way my house would already be full of children.  Overflowing from the brim.

James 1:27 Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

This this is my heart through and through.  No questioning it.  I want to love those who feel unlovable even though that is all they are.  God had put this feeling just so very strong in my heart and I know there is a reason for this.  So why did I get angry at Isaac after our conversation because I wanted his heart to be at the same place and the more we talk the more I'm realizing something.  His heart is there but he is afraid.  But not in a bad way.  He wants to love these children and take them all in the same as myself but what if he doesn't connect, what if they aren't happy with us.  Things I don't even think about though I'm sure I should.  But I think part of me says it doesn't matter because really all they need is love.

Where does this leave us?  The same place we where.  We plan on in another year to a year and a half starting the adoption process and expanding our family regardless on if we get pregnant again or not.  We will move forward in the way God calls us to.  

For now I believe that is all I really have to say but I do hope that brought some clarification on some things. I just want so badly to continue to be a mother and grow our family.  Currently I'm trying to pay off as much debt as possible in order to make it easier when the time comes.  So we can better provide for the children that will need it so badly and until that day comes I will try to live day by day.  

APRIL is INFERTILITY awareness month- and I have some things I want to share so bare with me as I ramble: For those who struggled with infertility we all know that feeling doesn't just go away when you overcome and finally get your miracle. You can feel sudden and unwelcome jealousy when you see a pregnant person even if your are 100% happy with where you are right now it can just hit you out of the blue. Or unbidden you may get that twinge of annoyance, jealousy or sadness when a friend or family member who doesn't know your struggle or who doesn't share it tells you they are pregnant even though you are so incredibly happy for them so then you deal with with guilt for even feeling jealous, and you have guilt from feeling selfish. But then when you know someone who did struggle with it and you find out they overcame you get so happy for them you begin to cry because you know just how hard it was to overcome that battle yourself. You fight daily with emotions that seem to battle within themselves. You fight with how you think you should feel even though you don't. As an example, and I'm about to get really open here, We said we were never going to try to prevent getting pregnant since it took us 2 years 3 months and one miscarriage (who would have been celebrating their 1st birthday this month) to get pregnant with Ezekiel but then when my lovely cycles returned at just 12 weeks post pardum I was so not ready for another baby and it was such a hard thing to come to terms with I dealt daily with the guilt of wanting to prevent something that I fought so hard to have to begin with. But then as my cycles continued on a month to month basis we discovered my body had gone right back to what it was pre-fertility treatments and I mean EXACT same issues so in order for us to get pregnant again most likely we will have to do fertility treatments again. So then of course comes the emotions of wanting the option to get pregnant even if at the time I wasn't ready for another baby (though now totally ready and welcoming and hoping, even started fertility blend essential oils but will not seek fertility treatments). I was angry at my body sometimes still am depending on the day. If you look at the picture below that speaks of what you tell yourself: I am strong I am worthy, I am beautiful. I am imperfect. I am me, all of those feelings in between are something you fight when you realize your body doesn't work as God intended and its a struggle you have to deal with. Infertility isn't something that just "goes away" even if miraculously you are able to get pregnant again on your own you still deal with the baggage that comes from the war you fought before your miracle arrived, a kind of ptsd in a way. Now no I'm not sharing this to get encouragement, sympathy or anything. We are very blessed and in a very good place right now on our journey and know that God will open the doors for us He wants open and we both feel that regardless we will grow being growing our family through adoption so that is on the horizon for us and an exciting adventure to look towards. I currently have so much peace with where we are and feel that I know if we don't get pregnant again I will be okay because I will still have a house full of children.  In fact I shared with Isaac a fear I have is that if we end up getting pregnant he will not want to continue with an adoption as soon as I would like and I'm realizing that I would rather adopt then be pregnant again currently but would want to have started the adoption process first.  And that realization is strong.  When I told him this he said he believes it would actually be hard for him to want to adopt within the next few years if we have another baby or where to get pregnant now. He told me that I would need to keep pushing him in that direction and I got a little angry.  This isn't something anyone should be "pushed into" this is something we are talking about 1.5-2 years down the road you have plenty of time to get your heart right with it if it's something we are doing.  It's something he says he feels called to do then I will not be "pushing" anyone.  This is something we have talked about doing since before we where even married and something that we have always talked about doing but it's scary as the time draws closer and we are realizing we will be taking the plunge.  I feel unsure most days because of this on what I want.  I would love to be pregnant again and to have another baby, but I'm not willing to let go of my dream of adoption either.  I'm really leaning more towards adopting first before anything else but for now I leave it in God's hands right where it belongs. 

In other news we have continued with the fertiltiy blends of essential oils and nothing new to report.  Ovulating earlier but still not where I need to be and not a long enough Luteal Phase though its getting better.  

But I think I just need some time to really think and pray for Isaac's heart to get on the same page if we do end up conceiving again.  I know God already has the perfect children out there for us to love and reach and I can not wait to be able to do so.   

I have a lot more I would like to write and talk about but feel like for now I've said enough.  I'll be back on soon thoguh.