Breaking through the barriers

This is how I'm trying to get my thoughts  together right now.  It seems my mind is just racing.  I'm disappointed  but excited,  sad  yet ready.  Trying so hard to day by day  and really   mean it when I say let  His will be done.  It's so much easier said than done.

  I've been thinking a lot about adoption and that's been coming to my mind  over and over, I think in part because I know we will have decisions to make on how far to go  with things in the fertility area.   But I've always wanted to adopt and I don't know if God is trying to tell me something or not,   If He is I need  Isaac to be told the same. Im  praying for God's guidance while yet I just want to snap my fingers  and have things going in motion, the only trouble is I don't know what things He wants going.  So until then I shall enjoy my glass of  wine  and some prayer time.

This too shall pass

So The past few days I have begun spotting and today it continues *though not how my normal period is I know its more than just spotting.  So I guess today will count as cycle day 1 yet again.  My endocrinologist wrote me a script to go get my progesterone levels checked one more time before we see the fertility specialist...so hopefully that will help eliminate how long it takes to get treatments and answers from them since its one of the tests I was told they ask for but since it's coming from her office insurance will cover part of it.   

My chart for this past month looked promising!

I have NEVER ovulated this early....and we had timed our intercourse correctly but low and behold my period came 4 days early.....still not giving enough time for Implantation. 

When I go to the specialist I'm bringing all my charts for the past year so she can see the progress and hopefully get us some answers quickly.  The entire thing is just so incredibly frustrating.  I do not know why I even got on here to vent.  I know that things will work out I know that God has a plan.  I want to make a difference in between, but I also wanted a miracle before our appointment.  I don't think I'm as devastated as I normally am when the red witch shows but maybe in part because i know we are already taking steps forward to get pregnant.  I'm just dreading the cost.  I'm dreading the cost, I'm dreading the wait.  Once we go see them it's like we are in there hands.  I know what I want and believe I know what I need: clomid and progesterone I just don't want to be stuck and prodded like a lab rat to get it. 

I know in the end everything always ends up working out...sometimes its just a little hard to get there.    All I want to do is cry and crawl back in bed and sleep.  I know I'll be ok this feeling will pass but I hope it passes sooner rather than later.

A little bit Preachy

So I'm going to go ahead and warn any readers this post is going to be a little bit preachy.  Not to you but more to myself. 

First of all I finally feel better.  I caught that nasty flue two weeks ago which turned into 102 degree fever which turned into acute sinus infection that was trying to spread into my chest/lungs so I was on amoxicillin, steroids and something else up until yesterday but I FINALLY feel better. 

During these past two weeks of just feeling awful feeling depressed and kind of in Limbo I was able to think.  Mainly because I had no energy to do anything else. 

I use to be so full of faith.  I use to be able to just believe whole heartily that something was going to happen and it did.  Childlike faith.  I knew if I believed it would take place.  There was no doubt, no question in my mind.   What happened to that person?  Slowly with the frustrations of this journey the jealousies I've allowed it to just kind of disappear.  It's become a struggle to be positive its become a struggle to look for people to minister to, to sing my heart out in worship to my king. 

I use to be so in love with my Maker.  He was the reason I got up every morning, slowly though it's been I can't wait to get up check my temperature, cervical mucus, take my ovulation predictor ect;

When did trying to conceive become my idol?  Maybe slowly, it kind of crept up on me.  My God has made me to be a mother.  I know this but he has also made me to be so much more.  Every day I walk through a world that is hurting and broken.  Every day I walk through a world that is torn apart.  Every day I work with the public and meet people who just need a little bit of love. 

When did I turn my cares away from them?  I use to be so happy despite the trials of this journey.  Limbo in itself has become my living hell.  The not happy not sad just here feeling has taken over and I hate it. 

I say enough is enough.  I was created for a purpose.  I know I WILL be a mother.  I know I WILL one day hold my very own babies in my arms and to be quite honest despite how long this has taken when it happens it will be the most perfect timing in the world.  God sees it all.  He sees the finish line.   I'm running a race of endurance and I have to choose am I going to make a difference in between.  Stop and help the needy, heal the broken hearted, minister to those that need it or am I going to keep my eyes only on myself without looking right or left.  Thinking myself is more important than others? 

He said in Mark 9:35 "New Living Translation"
"He sat down, called the twelve disciples over to him, and said, "Whoever wants to be first must take last place and be the servant of everyone else."

When did I loose sight of this?  It happened so gradually.  I knew it happened but got to a point that I just didn't care.  I wallowed in self pity.  Wallowed in my own pit of destruction.  But I have a calling.  To be a mother yes but so much more than that too.  God has called me to minister to others.  To be a missionary.  I will open my orphanage in Africa one day I will go and pour out into others.  

He has called me and I must answer.  Its a long journey that I know will come to fruition.  But Once I become a mother the ministry must continue as well.  I have been called to do so much for so many.  God has called me to pour out into others.  I just want to his overwhelming presence to resonate out of me.  I want to love the unlovable touch the untouchable.  I want to be a light to those who are constantly surrounded by darkness.  

I believe by faith that I will get pregnant.  I believe by faith it will happen this month but I will no longer allow that to be my soul focus.  I will not allow it to be the reason I wake up in the morning.

Every morning I wake up I will have a purpose.  That purpose will be to be the biggest blessing I can to those around me:  my husband first, my co workers, my clients strangers I meet on the street and then finally myself.  I choose to be a servant to everyone else.  

When I have children it wont be about me, it will be about them and seeing them expand on their own spiritual journeys as well.  I will stop looking at myself alone and start focusing on others.


Thank you Jesus for this gentle lesson.  I hate the fact I had to get ill to listen but sometimes my mind just keeps going and refuses to listen.  So my Lord, my great and holy God I recommit my life to you.  I never left you but I've been running this race refusing to help my neighbors like the story of the good Samaritan I've passed by so many hurting and broken without even giving it a second thought.  Forgive me Lord.  No more.

Show me who to minister to .  I open myself back up to you.  I thank you that your grace is indeed sufficient for me.  Your blood covers a multitude of sins.  As far as the east is from the West so far you have removed my sin from me.  Jesus I lay it all down.  I thank you for second chances.  I thank you for new vision.  I am motivated with new vision.  I will minister, I will pour out into others  and in turn I will be a blessing therefore I will be blessed spiritually and emotionally.  

Open doors and I will walk through them.  I will get pregnant.  Your blood has given me authority.  I am healed by your stripes.  I will have a child and will be able to teach them the way you desire for them to be raised.  And in this journey of conception I will no longer ignore the others needs around me.  Thank you Lord Jesus.  ~Amen

Like an intricate Spider's web my Emotion's come together.

So this morning consisted of calling all my different doctor's offices, having medical releases faxed signed and on there way.  I have to say I am excited about the venture but somewhat disappointed at the same time. 

I know there is still one month where we could be getting pregnant.  I know that with God all things are possible.  Now it might be that I've been battling a cold/fever for the past 3 days but I just feel as if the fight has left me.  I am so incredibly exhausted and so very ready to just let it be. 

I have faith that God is a miracle working God and I also know He promised us children.  But I also feel just incredibly exhausted.  Exhausted keeping up with my so called "bubbly personality".

A woman I work with on Saturday told me she needs to talk to me that I am not myself and wants to know what is wrong.  I didn't have an answer for her.  I of course was able to pass it on to my period(pms)  but in reality we had found out for another month we were not pregnant and so I had just made this appointment.  That didn't even bother me too horribly.  I think it's just that I feel so tired of pressing on.  I want someone else to do it for me.  I want someone else to fight the battle.

I think that's part of the reason I feel relieved about our appointment in February.  But I also believe that God's ways are so much higher than our own.  It's such a jumbled web of emotions.  No set feeling about anything in particular. 

But now officially less than a month to go things will work out  they always do. 

Fertility Specialist

So Another month and Not pregnant.  But I have immense peace so I suppose that's a start.  I can tell the Metformin is working in some ways but not quite where I want it to be.  I am currently on CD 7 of this new cycle with my period and it seems like its almost done.  So that's the shortest period I have ever had since no longer having birth control in my system.  Well since we didn't get pregnant this month we decided to take the plunge and schedule an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist On February 4th.  So really only a month away, praying and believing by faith still to get pregnant before then but all in all I have to say I have peace about scheduling the appointment for that too.

They said this first visit would be a consultation only visit but we are ahead of the game with the fact that I've already gotten a lot of the required blood work done recently along with months of charting data.

I did buy opks to use this month as well so it can give them a better Idea of when I am ovulating since my temperatures tend to be up and down sometimes. 

I don't know I'm excited but also just knowing its going to happen.  Can't say when but it will.  I believe it 100 %

That being said I also feel very different.  Not stressed like I normally would be.  I feel calm and just over all like I need to enjoy life.   But I can't seem to get my thoughts together right now so I'm going to have to come back to this later.