This past year has just flown by. But it has been quite amazing. I am so incredibly blessed. I look forward to the next year being full of just as much love and passion. Probably even more exciting since Ezekiel is becoming more and more active and interactive with everything he does. I just feel beyond blessed. I feel like I could repeat that over and over and over again.
So what do I look forward to in this next year? Lots of love and family. We will get to go to Louisiana twice next year along with visiting with our friends and going on vacation together. I know Ezekiel will just get funner as the year draws on.
In the beginning of January my sister in law will be coming to stay with us for a weekend so we will be having a date night. I think we need one very badly. Not just to have some time away to ourselves but to reconnect and just spend some quality time together. I am very much looking forward to it.
Thursday, December 31, 2015
Friday, December 25, 2015
Ezekiel's First Christmas
I woke up this morning just feeling so incredibly blessed. This past year has been an absolute whirl wind. I know that last year I never pictured being where I am today. Life seemed so hard and things just seemed so broken. With Nathan having just passed away the year before and then No family in town for Christmas. The constant bleeding I was dealing with in the pregnancy. Everything was just so incredibly hard. But this year I woke up with my heart overflowing with joy and gladness.
We had my husband's family come into town and they are staying with us for a few days and it was so nice to celebrate Christmas with them here at home.
I feel like I could go on and on in ramblings but really The person I need to thank is God:
Heavenly Father, you see my heart and hear my thanks even though I feel words themselves are not enough. You Lord Jesus have blessed us beyond measure. Let us continue to bring praise and honor to you in everything that we say and do. Let us honor you with our words, our hearts our everything. Lord help us to raise up this young man you have blessed us with the way you would desire for us to raise him. Help us Lord Jesus to be examples of love, compassion, gentleness and giving. Let us constantly build him up to be more like you. Thank you Lord for bringing us out of the fire. Thank you for using this past year to bring healing to our hearts. We Praise and thank you for that Lord Jesus. In your holy name Lord. ~Amen
Here is Ezekiel this morning in front of the tree and then a really plush reindeer stuffed animal that Nana and Gramps(my in laws) got him for Christmas. He loved it he just held it and wouldn't let go. So adorable
We had my husband's family come into town and they are staying with us for a few days and it was so nice to celebrate Christmas with them here at home.
I feel like I could go on and on in ramblings but really The person I need to thank is God:
Heavenly Father, you see my heart and hear my thanks even though I feel words themselves are not enough. You Lord Jesus have blessed us beyond measure. Let us continue to bring praise and honor to you in everything that we say and do. Let us honor you with our words, our hearts our everything. Lord help us to raise up this young man you have blessed us with the way you would desire for us to raise him. Help us Lord Jesus to be examples of love, compassion, gentleness and giving. Let us constantly build him up to be more like you. Thank you Lord for bringing us out of the fire. Thank you for using this past year to bring healing to our hearts. We Praise and thank you for that Lord Jesus. In your holy name Lord. ~Amen
Here is Ezekiel this morning in front of the tree and then a really plush reindeer stuffed animal that Nana and Gramps(my in laws) got him for Christmas. He loved it he just held it and wouldn't let go. So adorable
Wednesday, December 16, 2015
At Peace
Lately I just feel at peace. I know that if God wants us to have another baby it will happen and I feel content letting it be so. It's a a huge emotional change from last post. I think in part though I can credit my body getting slightly back on track or so it seems. I did hours of research on certain essential oils that can help regulate my hormones and essentially do what the fertility drugs did and help get my body back on track. I am not a doctor and there are so many contradictory articles out there but after a lot of research on what is safe and not safe while breast feeding and contacting a few people I know who sell essential oils I decided to give it a go. And it is already making a big difference on my cycles. I'm only on day 5 of use but can see a difference when it comes to temping compared to last time here was my last temping chart from September followed by my current one:
As you can see it is a huge difference! I am absolutely amazed by what I see. I think this is the reason I feel at peace. It's not that I necessarily have the huge desire to get pregnant right away but more that I just want to be fixed. I just want my body to do what it's supposed to do every day and at least give myself the opportunity to get pregnant every month. I keep picturing in my head the little story line of I realize my period is late take a test and it's positive. I'm overjoyed and think of a fun way to surprise Isaac with the news. I much prefer this over what we both had to do last time: obsessing over the tests taking them as soon as possible and sometimes several times a day. I just want to be able to be able to be over the moon excited without the anxiety of staring at the test with a I'm going to freak out if I get another negative type feeling.
I'm interested to see how the rest of the month turns out. I'm not at a place yet where I want to do ovulation kits and other fertile testing with sex every other day but just knowing that there is an actual possibility that my body is getting back on track just makes me so incredibly happy. Though I have to admit I need to try to not count my chickens before they hatch which is easier said than done sometimes. But I feel like it will just take so much pressure off of me. Not that Isaac was pressuring me to begin with.
As to the family dinamic we are in a good routine. Ezekiel has started getting me up at around 6 pm every night which is okay since he sleeps most nights through or just wakes up once and is normally back asleep within 30 min. I can not believe he will be 6 months in just two more days. Where on earth did the time go? I just can not believe it.
With Christmas right around the I am feeling very blessed and grateful. I can't believe all the healing that has taken place in the past year. Last year we did not have my brother with us and those holidays were just so incredibly hard but knowing this year we have the most precious gift we could ever have I just can not imagine anything better. Isaac's family will be coming to stay with us for Christmas and it will be quite a full house but a lot of fun letting them all play with the little guy.
As you can see it is a huge difference! I am absolutely amazed by what I see. I think this is the reason I feel at peace. It's not that I necessarily have the huge desire to get pregnant right away but more that I just want to be fixed. I just want my body to do what it's supposed to do every day and at least give myself the opportunity to get pregnant every month. I keep picturing in my head the little story line of I realize my period is late take a test and it's positive. I'm overjoyed and think of a fun way to surprise Isaac with the news. I much prefer this over what we both had to do last time: obsessing over the tests taking them as soon as possible and sometimes several times a day. I just want to be able to be able to be over the moon excited without the anxiety of staring at the test with a I'm going to freak out if I get another negative type feeling.
I'm interested to see how the rest of the month turns out. I'm not at a place yet where I want to do ovulation kits and other fertile testing with sex every other day but just knowing that there is an actual possibility that my body is getting back on track just makes me so incredibly happy. Though I have to admit I need to try to not count my chickens before they hatch which is easier said than done sometimes. But I feel like it will just take so much pressure off of me. Not that Isaac was pressuring me to begin with.
As to the family dinamic we are in a good routine. Ezekiel has started getting me up at around 6 pm every night which is okay since he sleeps most nights through or just wakes up once and is normally back asleep within 30 min. I can not believe he will be 6 months in just two more days. Where on earth did the time go? I just can not believe it.
With Christmas right around the I am feeling very blessed and grateful. I can't believe all the healing that has taken place in the past year. Last year we did not have my brother with us and those holidays were just so incredibly hard but knowing this year we have the most precious gift we could ever have I just can not imagine anything better. Isaac's family will be coming to stay with us for Christmas and it will be quite a full house but a lot of fun letting them all play with the little guy.
Tuesday, December 8, 2015
De Ja Vu
I just can't do it. I can't go through it all over again. Its like a bad case of de ja vu. My periods came back at 12 weeks and I was so excited since the first two seemed to be "normal" 4/5 days 31 days in between everything looked so promising to be able to get pregnant on our own. Then things started going downhill. First with the third period coming just two weeks after the other one ended(where I ovulated or got a + opk) just two days prior to its arrival it lasted 7 days and was really heavy. Then that cycle the next period came at 28 days and I am now on day 9 it is very heavy and painful and have all these horrible memories coming back of how hard it was to get pregnant the first time and how messed up my cycles were before.
We always wanted our kids close in age and if I can not be ovulating on my own then chances are that I might not get to get pregnant on our own as well. But really we can't afford fertility treatments. But then as I begin to get disappointed I keep feeling that tugging on my heart asking why isn't one enough? And I begin to get this overwhelming feeling to foster and bring in all these little ones that are less fortunate than us who need someone to love them. The desire to foster has become so strong on my heart. But Isaac isn't there. He would rather adopt then foster. He said he is afraid of falling in love with a child only to have them taken away. I understand that but also feel those might be the kids that need the most love the ones who get placed in our care from a bad situation but then may be required to go back there. Then I think of those kids that are a little older, siblings that if they don't get adopted together will be separated and placed in separate homes and I want to take them in to. My heart just feels like it's breaking so much for all these little ones. All I want to do is bring them all in.
I have an idea that popped into my head even as I'm writing this. What if we were to get a house, or someone donated one, and we build it up almost like a daycare center, but with rooms for children to sleep in, toys ect; and it is a foster care house, not an orphanage but a place where other foster parents come together and we take shifts where there are always a few adults together there 24/7 and we are able to take in as many foster care children as possible. I know in certain states(I've heard here in PA) there are so many kids in need that some of them have to sleep at the cps offices since there are not enough foster parents to take them in. This just breaks my heart and should never be the case! Wouldn't it be great to be able to join together with other foster parents and have a community built like this. It makes me almost think of an orphanage. But I guess really I need Isaac to be on the same page as me when it comes to fostering over adoption. This isn't something I feel i should talk constantly to him about. He knows my heart and I've left it at that. He needs to have God point him this direction if it's the direction we are supposed to go.
But back to the current. I am very frustrated with my body yet starting to realize that God has a plan. Some days that is easier to accept then others. But I decided this month I will check for ovulation just to see if I'm even ovulating at a place where it will make it possible to get pregnant. If not then Okay I know that no matter what If God wants it to happen he will work another miracle. If it turns out I am ovulating then okay, we will see if we get a surprised blessing one month.
It also brings up fears that my estrogen levels might be high again naturally and not going down which according to google(never should have looked it up) can lead to all sorts of issues such as ovarian cancer, breast cancer ect; I know this isn't something I should give into I shouldn't allow fear to rule in my life or heart but I can't help getting angry and frustrated. I won't let the fear control me but I will be proactive about it. If we end up not getting pregnant in the next few years I might talk to my dr about what can we do to decrease my estrogen levels that do not include birth control since every one they put me on isn't a high enough dose so I end up having break through bleeding every single time and just all around I'm kind of a mess on it.
So that being said that is what is going on with me lately. An inner struggle and argument with myself on a regular basis of one minute being okay and happy with not getting pregnant again and the next thinking it's just unfair and Ezekiel is so amazing I want another one and I loved being pregnant.
But I choose to let it go. God I give you control. I know it is so easy to get frustrated with the way things are and to allow myself to obsess and just overall become a little crazy. But I choose to truly lay it all down at your feet. I ask that you would make me who you desire for me to be. Help Isaac and I to have our hearts both line up with what you desire of us. I ask that you would open doors you want open for us and close those you want closed. We thank you and praise you for it Lord in your holy name. ~Amen.
We always wanted our kids close in age and if I can not be ovulating on my own then chances are that I might not get to get pregnant on our own as well. But really we can't afford fertility treatments. But then as I begin to get disappointed I keep feeling that tugging on my heart asking why isn't one enough? And I begin to get this overwhelming feeling to foster and bring in all these little ones that are less fortunate than us who need someone to love them. The desire to foster has become so strong on my heart. But Isaac isn't there. He would rather adopt then foster. He said he is afraid of falling in love with a child only to have them taken away. I understand that but also feel those might be the kids that need the most love the ones who get placed in our care from a bad situation but then may be required to go back there. Then I think of those kids that are a little older, siblings that if they don't get adopted together will be separated and placed in separate homes and I want to take them in to. My heart just feels like it's breaking so much for all these little ones. All I want to do is bring them all in.
I have an idea that popped into my head even as I'm writing this. What if we were to get a house, or someone donated one, and we build it up almost like a daycare center, but with rooms for children to sleep in, toys ect; and it is a foster care house, not an orphanage but a place where other foster parents come together and we take shifts where there are always a few adults together there 24/7 and we are able to take in as many foster care children as possible. I know in certain states(I've heard here in PA) there are so many kids in need that some of them have to sleep at the cps offices since there are not enough foster parents to take them in. This just breaks my heart and should never be the case! Wouldn't it be great to be able to join together with other foster parents and have a community built like this. It makes me almost think of an orphanage. But I guess really I need Isaac to be on the same page as me when it comes to fostering over adoption. This isn't something I feel i should talk constantly to him about. He knows my heart and I've left it at that. He needs to have God point him this direction if it's the direction we are supposed to go.
But back to the current. I am very frustrated with my body yet starting to realize that God has a plan. Some days that is easier to accept then others. But I decided this month I will check for ovulation just to see if I'm even ovulating at a place where it will make it possible to get pregnant. If not then Okay I know that no matter what If God wants it to happen he will work another miracle. If it turns out I am ovulating then okay, we will see if we get a surprised blessing one month.
It also brings up fears that my estrogen levels might be high again naturally and not going down which according to google(never should have looked it up) can lead to all sorts of issues such as ovarian cancer, breast cancer ect; I know this isn't something I should give into I shouldn't allow fear to rule in my life or heart but I can't help getting angry and frustrated. I won't let the fear control me but I will be proactive about it. If we end up not getting pregnant in the next few years I might talk to my dr about what can we do to decrease my estrogen levels that do not include birth control since every one they put me on isn't a high enough dose so I end up having break through bleeding every single time and just all around I'm kind of a mess on it.
So that being said that is what is going on with me lately. An inner struggle and argument with myself on a regular basis of one minute being okay and happy with not getting pregnant again and the next thinking it's just unfair and Ezekiel is so amazing I want another one and I loved being pregnant.
But I choose to let it go. God I give you control. I know it is so easy to get frustrated with the way things are and to allow myself to obsess and just overall become a little crazy. But I choose to truly lay it all down at your feet. I ask that you would make me who you desire for me to be. Help Isaac and I to have our hearts both line up with what you desire of us. I ask that you would open doors you want open for us and close those you want closed. We thank you and praise you for it Lord in your holy name. ~Amen.
And for your viewing pleasure here are some Christmas photos I took of Ezekiel
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