I love the fall.  I always wanted a fall wedding.  But due to family members starting out of state college it seemed like a fall wedding just wouldn't work very well for us.  So we settled on a June wedding, the first day of Summer and Father's day actually.  It was beautiful but truly I believe there is nothing better than crisp fall weather, sunshine that can warm you to the bone, pumpkin everything, sweaters, scarves and boots!  The leaves are glorious and beyond compare.  I just love it.  But this year as we end September and go into October, what I look at as the heart of the fall months, I feel a deep sense of sadness and loss. 

This fall will make a year since we lost my baby brother Nathan to suicide.  It was on Halloween last year that Nathan and I had our last conversation we would ever have.  It was when I shared with him the news of our pregnancy. We told each other how much we loved each other and how grateful we were for each other, but he knew he was leaving us and that was his goodbye.  All the what ifs, buts and so much more come back up.  All the grief that you forget through the business of life begins to rear its ugly head.  You remember that month so vividly.  You realized that it was the last month any of us would be given the opportunity to tell him we love him. So I would ask for your prayers as the anniversary of my baby brothers death approaches. If I seem withdrawn, sad, distracted or short tempered just bear with me I promise it is not you but this is a time I want to pull into myself, be introverted and deal with all the emotions of grief that still come in waves. I love you Nathan so much. We miss you! I still can't believe your gone. 

Words can not heal our grieving hearts but prayers can help numb it.  So I ask for prayers for my family.  I ask for God's grace to come on us and his healing touch to engulf us.  We can not do it on our own. 

Back to normal

Since getting my period back it seems like everything has actually evened itself out in my body.  I am amazed yet in shock all at once.  I had no signs that ovulation was coming: negative opks, no egg white cervical mucus and I had even checked my cervix position occasionally to find it wasn't where it is supposed to be during ovulation.  But low and behold according to my temperatures it looks like I ovulated.  And of course the timing of sex wasn't exactly ideal.  (sorry for the poor quality picture I had to pull it off my phone.)

 

I guess time will tell if I really did ovulate then or not.  Of course I couldn't help myself to start thinking oh my goodness what if we get pregnant.  On cycle day 14 when we had sex and according to the temps probably ovulated I was so dry we actually used preseed to have sex because its painful without lubrication now.  I just have to laugh at the irony of that.  Maybe it was God's way of trying to get us to have another one.  Isaac would be over the moon.  I would definitely be happy(they would be Irish twins) but I would also probably have a mini panic attack.  We did talk and decide though that if I am not pregnant this month then we will use condoms until December.  I wanted to wait till he was 6 months before we start trying again.  I know that seems silly it's only a few months away but I've seen how much he grows and changes in just a matter of weeks so a few months makes  a big difference.

That being said I am loving life right now.  I love being a Mom, I love my work schedule and my life in general.  Life for the most part is full of joy.  Now don't get me wrong its not all cupcakes and roses.  Isaac and I had a good talk last night though about how having a baby changed things for us and how it has made it so we bicker over the stupidest things.  So we talked about what we think we need help with from the each other and what it is that we need to change.  It was very needed.  I shared with him how I feel like a lot of the times me taking care of Ezekiel is looked at as my job since he works full time but its our job.  I go to work when I'm not with him otherwise except for maybe once a month its all about me taking care of the baby.  We both need time to get out of the house for ourselves, we need to make time for each other.  We just have to communicate instead of assuming the other person knows what needs to be done.  I need to stop hellicopter parenting and let him get on his own schedule with Ezekiel.  I need to express my confidence in him when it comes time for him to be alone with him.  I need to be willing to ask for help.

On a lighter note I figured out where my little ginger baby came from.  I took a picture of myself as a baby out of storage and I had red hair!!!  So I took the liberty of doing a side by side comparison:

We look so much alike its insane!  And I'm not going to lie I love it!  I love looking into those eyes and getting a huge smile.  I love making the little guy laugh.  I love how everyone looks at him and says oh my goodness he looks just like you.  I love it all! 

 

Baby Giggles

I have always said there is nothing in the world sweater than hearing the sound of a child's laughter.  Well Today I captured my precious little angels laughter on camera.  It just melts my heart and makes me laugh myself every time.

After I recorded this I played it back on my phone and every time Ezekiel heard himself laugh in the video he would throw his head back and laugh again.

It's just amazing to me to watch him transform.

Thank You Jesus for blessing me.  I am so in love with this little guy.

How many children?

How many children do I want.  I actually don't have the answer to that question.  I want them all would seem to be the appropriate answer.  Lately I've found myself constantly thinking about getting pregnant.  Not that I necessarily want to be pregnant again right now but the fact that my period was the most normal I have ever hand it in my life makes me think it is actually a possibility to get pregnant on my own without treatments.  I'm currently on cycle day 12 and am just keeping an eye on things and am interested in how things are going to end up looking/working out.

Isaac and I had a conversation the other day talking about this possibilty where he proceeded to use Ezekiel as a puppet to tell mama how he wants to be a big brother.  I had to laugh I feel in all reality I am just not quite ready yet.  If it happened I would be thrilled but I'm not in a place where I would want to actively try to get pregnant again like we were doing before.

I know this might sound a little stupid but I'm afraid that if I get pregnant it might mar the joy a little bit.  I am full of joy and wonder with my little one and love the idea of having another one to keep him company, add to our family, expand the love.  But I just remember how scared I was so many times that something would go wrong.  I would see the blood(I bled sporadically throughout my whole pregnancy) and be so afraid I was loosing him so I'm afraid that if I did get pregnant it might steal some of my current joy.

I love our beautiful family.  I love being a Mom.  And now we are getting into a routine and experiencing new things I know that adding another right now would add a......challenge.  I'm not going to say hardship because I still look at every child as a blessing and I know we could do it.  But I feel now that we are in the swing of things so to speak its actually gotten pretty easy.

I guess in all I just need to trust that God's plan is best.  He gave us our beautiful baby boy that he promised us and He says that blessed is the family that has many children:

 Psalm 127:3-5   

Children are a heritage from the Lord,
    offspring a reward from him.
⁴ Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
    are children born in one’s youth.
⁵ Blessed is the man
    whose quiver is full of them.
They will not be put to shame
    when they contend with their opponents in court.

So for now I will just wait and see how I feel and take things day by day.  Right now I think for at least the next couple months if I know for sure I'm ovulating I will want to abstain.  

So for happy news little dude is 14 weeks old today!  It's amazing watching him grow and change.  Every day he becomes more and more interactive and is starting to see the world in a different light.  It is amazing to witness this. He makes me laugh every day and just gives us so much joy.  

I am happy to report we have a great sleep schedule where he goes to bed around 8:30 every night then will sleep any where from 6-9 hours...normally closer to 9 hours. I am so impressed and grateful all at once since I know it is not normal for a kid this young to sleep that well but I will take it!  Thank you Jesus.  So here are Ezekiel's 3 month pictures: 

It looks like my body may have regulated itself after Ezekiel after all.  I just had my shortest period on a non medicated cycle that I have ever had.  It lasted 5 days when normally my period lasts anywhere from 9-11 days and comes every 31 days.  I'm curious now to see if it will come at 31 days or every few months since I am breast feeding.

My poor little guy has a cold and yet he is taking it like a trooper.  Lat night he was coughing and hacking up snot and I just felt so bad since there really wasn't much I could do.  I'm praying he inherited an immune system like mine where he can get over things really quickly.  I rarely get sick but when I do it normally only lasts a day two at the most.  He already sounds so much better this morning but that might be in part because I have the windows open since it's humid outside to get some fresh air and help put some moisture in the house.  I hate having the air conditioner on all day.  Drives me nuts.  But my little trooper is all smiles and still as happy as can be.  I thank God so much for blessing me with this beautiful little bundle of joy.


I've been thinking about Nathan a lot lately.  I can not believe it's almost been a year since he's been gone.  Since we last spoke.  The pain has become manageable especially with life just becoming so very busy.  But I never want to forget him.  I pulled out my old phone and re read our conversation we had that night and it just seemed so marred.  Before I held onto it like a beacon of hope that Nathan was happy and wasn't planning to do what he did but I feel like now that I know better the texts, that conversation saddens me because now I see it as him saying goodbye.

I wish I could go back in time and see him.  I still think about him all the time.  Occasionally I'll think of something and catch myself before I pick up the phone to call him or send him a text.  It's just so hard to say goodbye.  He used to visit often in my dreams but I feel like with my anger he knew or God did that I needed some processing time.  But I miss that.  I wish he would come sit with me there and talk.  That we could have a conversation and he could tell me all that he has seen since he's been gone.

I wish he wasn't dead.  Dead that word just has so much weight to it.  I think it's actually the first time I've used it.  Normally I say lost my brother, or passed or something like that but really he is dead to this world but alive in another.  God how I miss him.  But I know one day I will see him again and until that day I want to be a beacon of hope to everyone around me to minister to everyone however I can.

Help me Lord to be all that I can be.  To reach out to the hurting and broken.  To love the unlovable.  Help me to stop putting myself first and put other's first always.  Open me up to see people the way you see them.  To see their hurts and pains that must be touched.  Help me Lord Jesus.  ~Amen

Not Ready Yet

I'm not ready.  I'm not ready to find out if I will be able to get pregnant on my own again.  I'm not ready to see if it will take months of hell to allow me to conceive again.  But it appears I don't have a choice.  My period seems to have arrived today.  I was hoping at first that it was just a fluke and that it would turn out to just be spotting from sex a few days ago.  It appears I am not that lucky.

But it's here and there isn't anything I can do about it but bring it before God.

I was thinking just yesterday in fact on how thrilled I would be if I found out I was pregnant again but now that my period is here the what ifs again come to mind(curse those darn what ifs!)  What if I am regulated and get pregnant in the next month.  Do I really feel like I'm ready/okay with it?  But if I'm not regulated I might be okay with it for a little while but I know in the end I will get frustrated and devastated with that in the future as well.  Its a vicious circle that seems to go round and round.

I want to be normal.  I want to be able to have a regulated period at the same time if I did anything to try and prevent getting pregnant right now I would feel so guilty.  Guilty that we might struggle again to conceive in the future.

But the fact is I don't get to choose.  I don't get to make the decision on what is okay and what isn't.  Bottom line is that God knows and I need to trust that He truly does work all things out for the benefit of those who love him.

To be honest I'm not quite sure what I want.  I go from wanting to be pregnant one minute to not for a long time the next.  I take it as hormones still trying to balance themselves out along with me learning how to be a new Mom.

Either way it is out of my hands.  I will trust that God will make what happen what needs to happen

Lets Get Real

So I want to get real in today's post.  It has been a long time since I've been able to gather my thoughts enough to put them into a nice long heart felt post.  So here goes.  Being a mother is everything I ever wanted.  It is better than I ever imagined or dreamed.  But with all of that comes the reality.  The reality that it is also harder than I ever imagined it would be or than I ever dreamed it would be.  Being a Mom means you no longer sleep in, you forget to eat or just all together don't have time to eat.  It means when your exhausted and tired but when your baby cries you somehow still find the inner strength to get up and run to the child that needs you.  Being a Mom is so hard yet so rewarding.

When we were trying to get pregnant I used to hear comments about how much your life changes when you have kids:  You'll never sleep again.  You'll never get your body back.  You'll never be able to travel like you used to.  You'll suddenly be pinching pennies.  The list really can go on and on.  I used to hear those words and get so angry.  All I wanted was to have a child and these women were sitting here telling me about how it made life harder or how it ruined their lives.  Now I know that is not how they were trying to make it sound and they never used those words but in my jealousy that is how my heart took it.  But then I joined in on the Mom thing.  I joined in on having the most precious gift in the world.  And suddenly I am accosted by these thoughts.  By these aggravations, realizations and frustrations.  And with that comes guilt.  I feel guilty that I can get so frustrated with the circumstances that come with my beautiful baby boy.  Uninvited thoughts come often: What did I do?  There goes my freedom of traveling and stress free vacations.  My clothes will never fit the same again.  Wow babies are expensive  and: Man I need a drink.  This precious little gift is a lot of hard work.  But yet I worked so hard to bring him into this world.  I prayed for years spent a lot of time and money to get him to join our family and here I am having these unwelcome thoughts in my mind.  Infertility has left scars that run deep.  Scars that I hope to have healed one day.  But I never want to forget where I started in this journey.  I never want to loose sight of how far we came.

I know when I'm talking or complaining I must remind myself how hard it was to get to this point.  Every time I see a little smile I know it was worth it.

I was joking around with Isaac and told him that the only time I've ever been worried about being an alcoholic has been after having the baby.  After working with him all day and by noon already putting in almost a full work day hour wise the thoughts of having a wonderful glass of red wine after he goes to bed just sounds so wonderful.  So most nights after putting him to bed I have a drink and just let myself unwind.  And it feels wonderful.

Being a Mom is everything I ever wanted.  Its better than I ever imagined.  But it's a lot of hard work, sacrifice and straight on exhausting.  By Noon you already have put in almost a full day's work with your baby.  You begin to count the hours before your partner get's home and you can have a break.  But like all other Mom's every smile, giggle and every first makes it all so beyond worth it.

So to all of you Mom's I wanted to punch in the face when I heard you complain I say to you I'm sorry.  I'm sorry for judging you on something I had no idea of.  I'm sorry for making assumptions and thinking I was going to be better than you.  I have been officially knocked off my pedestal and joined you in the realm or reality.  And to be honest I'm so happy to be here.

So my hat is off to you!   

Back To Reality

Tomorrow is my first day back at work.  I have to say I'm excited but nervous at the same time.  I am excited to get back to work.  Making some money, spending time with friends and having something that is just mine that doesn't revolve around the baby.  Not that I mind him being my world of course.

This past weekend we drove 5 hours to go visit family who we haven't seen in years and it was a wonderful time.  Short, just two nights, but it was so much fun to show him off to everyone.  I realize on trips like these just how much I miss family.  It is really hard being away from them all the time.  Ezekiel did great the whole trip he actually did his longest sleep stretches yet at 9 hours both nights.  Praying that he stays in that habit actually that would be amazing!  We also got the family Generational picture that we wanted to have with the men lined up in order.

I plan on flying back to my family in March since my sister is going to have a baby in February.  I'm excited to see everyone and have something to look forward to but I still can't believe it is 6 months away.  Time is just flying by so fast I know it will be here before we know it.

So I may not post next week since I'll be trying to get into the swing of things back at work but maybe that will give me some more interesting things to talk about.  I feel like my mind has been kind of a blur where I can't even give an interesting post and just ramble instead.  Maybe with longer sleep stretches my mind wont be so much mush.

Until next time

Less than a week

Today is Friday 9/4/2015 and on Tuesday the 8th I shall be returning to work.  I can't believe how fast time has flown by.  This is the main reason I have been MIA  I have wanted to live in the moment.  Every moment.  I haven't been snapping pictures left and right, a few every day sure but not a ton because I don't want to look at my son's life through the eyes of a camera I want to look at it head on and with my eyes.  That is the perspective and way I want to see things.  So that is kind of why I have been MIA  I wanted to just kind of take it all in.  Enjoy and soak up every second of my last days off. 

Every day I fall more in love with this beautiful little guy that has been brought into my life.  I feel so honored that God chose me to be his Mom.  I already feel like he has so much personality.  I can't believe I can already see it at 11 weeks.

In the morning, and I mean early 4/5 am morning we will be heading out to Virginia for Ezekiel to meet his great grandfather who unfortunately is not in very good health.  We want to let them all be together since this is the first time that there are 4 generations of Hammon's alive at once so we will be going to visit and take a 4 generation picture and just spend a little time with family before I go back to work.

I'm actually excited to go back.  I miss doing hair.  I miss my co workers and I miss having something that is just mine that doesn't revolve around the little guy. 

Having a baby changes your world.  It changes everything.  It changes your priorities, perspectives, you name it pretty much it changes it.  But I have to say it is so worth it.