Another Year coming to a close

This past year has just flown by.  But it has been quite amazing.  I am so incredibly blessed.  I look forward to the next year being full of just as much love and passion.  Probably even more exciting since Ezekiel is becoming more and more active and interactive with everything he does.  I just feel beyond blessed.  I feel like I could repeat that over and over and over again. 


So what do I look forward to in this next year?  Lots of love and family.  We will get to go to Louisiana twice next year along with visiting with our friends and going on vacation together.  I know Ezekiel will just get funner as the year draws on.

In the beginning of January my sister in law will be coming to stay with us for a weekend so we will be having a date night.  I think we need one very badly.  Not just to have some time away to ourselves but to reconnect and just spend some quality time together.  I am very much looking forward to it. 

Ezekiel's First Christmas

I woke up this morning just feeling so incredibly blessed.  This past year has been an absolute whirl wind.  I know that last year I never pictured being where I am today.  Life seemed so hard and things just seemed so broken.  With Nathan having just passed away the year before and then No family in town for Christmas.  The constant bleeding I was dealing with in the pregnancy.  Everything was just so incredibly hard.  But this year I woke up with my heart overflowing with joy and gladness.

We had my husband's family come into town and they are staying with us for a few days and it was so nice to celebrate Christmas with them here at home.


I feel like I could go on and on in ramblings but really The person I need to thank is God:

Heavenly Father, you see my heart and hear my thanks even though I feel words themselves are not enough.  You Lord Jesus have blessed us beyond measure.  Let us continue to bring praise and honor to you in everything that we say and do.  Let us honor you with our words, our hearts our everything.  Lord help us to raise up this young man you have blessed us with the way you would desire for us to raise him.  Help us Lord Jesus to be examples of love, compassion, gentleness and giving.  Let us constantly build him up to be more like you.  Thank you Lord for bringing us out of the fire.  Thank you for using this past year to bring healing to our hearts.  We Praise and thank you for that Lord Jesus.  In your holy name Lord.  ~Amen

Here is Ezekiel this morning in front of the tree and then a really plush reindeer stuffed animal that Nana and Gramps(my in laws) got him for Christmas.  He loved it he just held it and wouldn't let go.  So adorable

 

At Peace

Lately I just feel at peace.  I know that if God wants us to have another baby it will happen and I feel content letting it be so.  It's a a huge emotional change from last post.  I think in part though I can credit my body getting slightly back on track or so it seems.  I did hours of research on certain essential oils that can help regulate my hormones and essentially do what the fertility drugs did and help get my body back on track.  I am not a doctor and there are so many contradictory articles out there but after a lot of research on what is safe and not safe while breast feeding and contacting a few people I know who sell essential oils I decided to give it a go.  And it is already making a big difference on my cycles.  I'm only on day 5 of use but can see a difference when it comes to temping compared to last time here was my last temping chart from September followed by my current one:

As you can see it is a huge difference!  I am absolutely amazed by what I see. I think this is the reason I feel at peace.  It's not that I necessarily have the huge desire to get pregnant right away but more that I just want to be fixed.  I just want my body to do what it's supposed to do every day and at least give myself the opportunity to get pregnant every month.  I keep picturing in my head the little story line of I realize my period is late take a test and it's positive.  I'm overjoyed and think of a fun way to surprise Isaac with the news.  I much prefer this over what we both had to do last time: obsessing over the tests taking them as soon as possible and sometimes several times a day.  I just want to be able to be able to be over the moon excited without the anxiety of staring at the test with a I'm going to freak out if I get another negative type feeling.

I'm interested to see how the rest of the month turns out.  I'm not at a place yet where I want to do ovulation kits and other fertile testing with sex every other day but just knowing that there is an actual possibility that my body is getting back on track just makes me so incredibly happy.  Though I have to admit I need to try to not count my chickens before they hatch which is easier said than done sometimes.  But I feel like it will just take so much pressure off of me.  Not that Isaac was pressuring me to begin with.  

As to the family dinamic we are in a good routine.  Ezekiel has started getting me up at around 6 pm every night which is okay since he sleeps most nights through or just wakes up once and is normally back asleep within 30 min.  I can not believe he will be 6 months in just two more days.  Where on earth did the time go?  I just can not believe it.

With Christmas right around the I am feeling very blessed and grateful.  I can't believe all the healing that has taken place in the past year.   Last year we did not have my brother with us and those holidays were just so incredibly hard but knowing this year we have the most precious gift we could ever have I just can not imagine anything better.   Isaac's family will be coming to stay with us for Christmas and it will be quite a full house but a lot of fun letting them all play with the little guy. 

De Ja Vu

I just can't do it.  I can't go through it all over again.  Its like a bad case of de ja vu.  My periods came back at 12 weeks and I was so excited since the first two seemed to be "normal" 4/5 days 31 days in between everything looked so promising to be able to get pregnant on our own.  Then things started going downhill.  First with the third period coming just two weeks after the other one ended(where I ovulated or got a + opk) just two days prior to its arrival it lasted 7 days and was really heavy.  Then that cycle  the next period came at 28 days and I am now on day 9 it is very heavy and painful and have all these horrible memories coming back of how hard it was to get pregnant the first time and how messed up my cycles were before.

We always wanted our kids close in age and if I can not be ovulating on my own then chances are that I might not get to get pregnant on our own as well.  But really we can't afford  fertility treatments.  But then as I begin to get disappointed I keep feeling that tugging on my heart asking why isn't one enough?  And I begin to get this overwhelming feeling to foster and bring in all these little ones that are less fortunate than us who need someone to love them.  The desire to foster has become so strong on my heart.  But Isaac isn't there.  He would rather adopt then foster.  He said he is afraid of falling in love with a child only to have them taken away.  I understand that but also feel those might be the kids that need the most love the ones who get placed in our care from a bad situation but then may be required to go back there.  Then I think of those kids that are a little older, siblings that if they don't get adopted together will be separated and placed in separate homes and I want to take them in to.  My heart just feels like it's breaking so much for all these little ones.  All I want to do is bring them all in.

I have an idea that popped into my head even as I'm writing this.  What if we were to get a house, or someone donated one, and we build it up almost like a daycare center, but with rooms for children to sleep in, toys ect; and it is a foster care house, not an orphanage but a place where other foster parents come together and we take shifts where there are always a few adults together there 24/7 and we are able to take in as many foster care children as possible.  I know in certain states(I've heard here in PA) there are so many kids in need that some of them have to sleep at the cps offices since there are not enough foster parents to take them in.  This just breaks my heart and should never be the case!  Wouldn't it be great to be able to join together with other foster parents and have a community built like this.  It makes me almost think of an orphanage.  But I guess really I need Isaac to be on the same page as me when it comes to fostering over adoption.  This isn't something I feel i should talk constantly to him about.  He knows my heart and I've left it at that.  He needs to have God point him this direction if it's the direction we are supposed to go.

But back to the current.  I am very frustrated with my body yet starting to realize that God has a plan.  Some days that is easier to accept then others.  But I decided this month I will check for ovulation just to see if I'm even ovulating at a place where it will make it possible to get pregnant.  If not then Okay I know that no matter what If God wants it to happen he will work another miracle.  If it turns out I am ovulating then okay, we will see if we get a surprised blessing one month.


It also brings up fears that my estrogen levels might be high again naturally and not going down which according to google(never should have looked it up) can lead to all sorts of issues such as ovarian cancer, breast cancer ect;  I know this isn't something I should give into I shouldn't allow fear to rule in my life or heart but I can't help getting angry and frustrated.   I won't let the fear control me but I will be proactive about it.  If we end up not getting pregnant in the next few years I might talk to my dr about what can we do to decrease my estrogen levels that do not include birth control since every   one they put me on isn't a high enough dose so I end up having break through bleeding every single time and just all around I'm kind of a mess on it.



So that being said that is what is going on with me lately.  An inner struggle and argument with myself on a regular basis of one minute being okay and happy with not getting pregnant again and the next thinking it's just unfair and Ezekiel is so amazing I want  another one and I loved being pregnant.



But I choose to let it go.  God I give you control.  I know it is so easy to get frustrated with the way things are and to allow myself to obsess and just overall become a little crazy.  But I choose to truly lay it all down at your feet.  I ask that you would make me who you desire for me to be.  Help Isaac and I to have our hearts both line up with what you desire of us.  I ask that you would open doors you want open for us and close those you want closed.  We thank you and praise you for it Lord in your holy name.  ~Amen.  

And for your viewing pleasure here are some Christmas photos I took of Ezekiel

Family Traditions

So Thanksgiving has come and gone and it was an amazing day.  I feel like having Ezekiel there to share it with us just made it all the more special.  I am just so incredibly grateful for him and so very much in love. 

God thank you for blessing us so very much with our beautiful baby boy.  Thank you for blessing our relationship and allowing us to get closer together throughout the challenge from conception to birth.

Lately I feel like we have gotten into a really good routine.  Ezekiel wakes up between 6:46/7 am and goes to be at night around 7 pm.  Nap times are no longer a screaming match and he actually lets me know he wants to take a nap.  I feel like he's a new baby most nights sleeping through the night but every few days he wakes up once or twice but normally falls right back to sleep.

I feel like Isaac and I are getting closer together as well.  It's nice to have time to spend together almost every night after the little guy goes to bed.   I don't feel like I have a ton of in depth things to talk about but over Thanksgiving  We did manage to take a few family photos

Today we also started our yearly Christmas tradition.  Every year we want to go and pick out an ornament together and so of course being that it was our first year I wanted to try to find something for myself representing being a mom and receiving my promise and it has been quite a challenge finding the perfect ornament but after 3 stores we finally found it.  I actually got very teary eyed when I saw it.

I feel like it is the perfect ornament to show exactly how I feel about everything.  I will also share Isaac and Ezekiel's:

And here is Ezekiel's 5 month photo:

 I just can't believe how big he's been getting.  He isn't crawling yet but he sure is trying.  The other day I laid him down on a blanket for tummy time in the living room walked into the other room just to put his food in the microwave was gone for less than a minute I come back into the living room and he rolled himself all the way to the other side of the blanket.  I am just so not ready for him to be mobile!

Afraid Of Dissapointment

As my little guy is getting closer and closer to 5 months the thought of having another one is coming more and more frequently.  I wanted to wait till he was a little older but now I am ready to start entertaining the idea.  Or more I"ve been planning and have my timeline all together but if this journey taught me anything it's that my own desired timeline basically can go to hell.

I would love to have another one in September or October of next year or sometime around the fall(my favorite time of the year).  I would love to have new life come around the time Nathan left us as it would just be a glorious reminder that as one life ends another somewhere begins.  But in all reality I don't know if this is even an option.  My periods have returned yes but ovulation has not.  In fact my last period came just two weeks after the one before ended and was extremely heavy and 7 days long.  Which would not give any opportunity for implantation even if I were ovulating. My body just seems all over the place.  But we are going to try none the less.  I'm afraid of being disappointed though and not being able to get pregnant on my own.  I just pray that God works a miracle in my body. 

We did the math and if we get pregnant in December then the baby would be due in September we are not going to go all crazy with trying with fertility treatments, having sex every other day but at least we can try naturally and just go back to enjoying marriage and sex without the thought of I must get pregnant!  Though of course we want it again so that thought will probably be there either way. 

I have to say though my mindset has changed or rather is changing on going back to see an Fertility Specialist.  I hated the emotional turmoil and the frustration that was there but the reward was far greater than the frustration was and therefor was so worth it.  I can't say for sure that we will go back but as of now if we can't get pregnant on our own I think I will be more than willing to try but if it doesnt' happen I wont be devastated since I want to adopt anyway.  But I will at least be able to say I tried.  I loved being pregnant and would love to experience all of that again.  I honestly don't think Isaac would be happy with me not trying.  He wouldn't force the issue but I think he would be hurt I wouldn't be willing to do it again.  But we will broach that subject later since you can not do fertility drugs while nursing and I plan on nursing him for another 7 months.  So that is that. 

But with

Something other than Anger

I'm so aggravated I wrote an entire post only to press the wrong thing and it deleted everything!  So I will attempt to make it up but I don't think it will be quite as good as what I wrote before:

The one year anniversary of Nathan's death has come and gone.  I look back and can not believe that it has been a year already yet at the same time so much has happened.   I was working most of the day but when I got home it just hit me.  Yet at the same time I felt like I just couldn't feel anything.  As hard as that is to describe.  I wanted to badly to have a way to let out the emotions.  Next thing I know I'm pulling out a can of beer and it tastes way better than it should have.  I then decide to pull out a few bags of frozen breast milk and make a couple bottles in case Ezekiel, who was already in bed at this point wakes up, and I tell Isaac he was on baby duty if Ezekiel wakes up.  I then act on the feeling that my beer wasn't enough.  I wanted to get drunk.  I wanted to numb the pain I felt that just seemed so crippling or even to relax myself enough that I could actually let the emotions out.  It's so hard to explain but I felt for the past few months that I have wrapped myself up like a snug little package so tightly in anger, unforgiveness and resentment that I couldn't feel anything anymore.  It was as if a wall had been built up in self defense to keep myself from dealing with the real emotions.  And since Isaac was already prepared to take care of Ezekiel I began to do shots of Jaegermeister back to back as I cooked dinner.  Rather quickly that warm tingly feeling began to come over me and I felt myself begin to relax and the walls begin to come down.  I felt my inner self allowing weakness to show and I finally felt some relief.  I know, I know, I can see you readers shaking your heads right now in disappointment and displeasure.  But for those of you who have been with me from the beginning will remember that I pride myself in being real.  I want you readers to get a glimpse of the real me and the life I live.  The good the bad and the ugly.  And to be quite honest I feel lately I've been lacking in that area besides a post here or there I don't feel like I've talked about my heart or hardships like I used to.  But back to my point.  I drank and finally was able to let go.  As sad as that is I think the only reason I've held onto so much anger is because it is the only emotion I have felt like I could feel.  I know I've grieved, I've felt sad, sentimental ect; but mostly all I've felt for months has been anger.  Anger that he is gone.  Anger that life moves on yet he isn't a part of it.  But that night it seemed I finally was able to relax enough where those mental blocks came tumbling down.  And today I feel like I can finally say that I forgive Nathan for what he did.

Forgiveness is choosing to live with the consequences of someone Else's choices. I choose to forgive him.  I might not understand it or agree with it.  But the bottom line is it is done nothing I say or do will bring him back but I want him to be at peace and I want my spirit to move on as well.  So That is what i will do.  I will do.  I will choose forgiveness.

My brother shared this blog with me to try and help me understand what Nathan and himself go through/went through on a daily basis.  It is a really good read:
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013_05_01_archive.html

Tonight Isaac and myself will be going out on a much needed date night.  Our good friend and neighbor will be coming over to watch Ezekiel so that we can go do dinner and just have some alone time.  And I am really looking forward to it.   Thankfully becoming parents hasn't put too much stress on our marriage but it has definitely made it harder to make each other a priority which is what needs to happen. 

Choosing Forgiveness

As the anniversary of Nathan's death(suicide) approaches it is bringing up all sorts of feelings.  Mostly anger, which surprises me.  But I'm having a hard time forgiving him for what he did.  Part of me says why do I need to forgive him he's no longer alive.  But in my heart I know his spirit lives on.  And unforgiveness is similar to a brown rotting area on a piece of fruit it slowly spreads and makes it unusable.  It is the same way with unforgiveness.  It slowly creeps into your soul making you bitter and angry at not just the current situation but the world.  I feel like even in the spiritual sense that he knows I'm angry and so is keeping his distance.  I haven't had the dreams where we visit, or the things that make me smile.  I just want to cry or punch something.  It seems to be one or the other.

If we were to go back in time I don't know if he would make a different choice.  He wanted out for so many years.  And he was so happy that day.  I just wish I could tell him really tell him how much I love him.

I think that might be one of the reason's I am so angry.  Because I can't.  I can't tell him how much I love him.  I can't tell him I forgive him even if we get to that point, which makes me angrier.

I want to forgive him.  I want to cherish the positives.  Look at the memories with fondness not hurt.  It's so incredibly hard though to see a silver lining in this.

Suicide leaves a nasty wake of destruction for everyone the victim leaves behind.  I say victim because that is exactly what it is.  It's a sickness.   A disease and the victim sees no other alternative to get through their current trials or issues.

It makes me want to just reach out to everyone struggling with depression and scream at the top of my lungs how special they are!  Even if they don't realize it in that moment their absence from this life will leave a hole that can not be repaired.

If I could have one last day with my brother I don't think I would spend it trying to talk him out of it.  To tell him how important he is and how much it would hurt us would only be a temporary fix.  Instead I would want to know why he feels he must do it.   Truly dissect his mind and get to the black lie that burrowed deep into his brain.

I wish I could say that things like this get easier.  They don't.  It gets a little numb.   Doesn't quite sting as bad in the debilitating way it did before.  But it doesn't get easier.

I will always miss my little brother.  I will always wonder why he chose that night, mere hours after we talked to end his life.  Why did he tell home how much he loves me and thanks God for making me his sister instead of just straight out saying goodbye.

Nathan I hate what you did!  I hate that I can't hug you, laugh with you, cry with you or even talk to you.  You are gone.  That is the hardest thing in my life that I have ever had to wrap my mind around.  Part of me wonder's if I don't want to forgive you because it's the only thing keeping me from feeling like I've moved on.  Like I'm afraid I'll forget you and how much of a hole you leave in my life. But I know can never move on from this.  I would never be able to forget you.  I can't pretend that what you did hasn't changed my life for the worse for the rest of my time here on earth.  But I want to forgive you.  I want your spirit to be free and mine as well.  I just wish I knew why.  I just wish I truly knew what reason you decided to leave us.  But whatever the reason you are gone now and there is no bringing you back.  I miss it when you used to visit me in my dreams.  We would laugh and talk and cry.  It was as if you were still here with me.  But I know that I have to let go.  I have to trust that you truly are in a better place.  Nathan I choose to forgive you.  Though my heart isn't quite there yet I am releasing my spirit to forgive you.  I want to forgive you.  I want to remember only the good and have this bitter feeling of your loss be gone.  I love and miss you so incredibly much!  

I can not believe that it's almost there.  November 1 at 3 am your spirit left us.  October 31st 7 pm we talked and I told you we were pregnant.  That we saw the heartbeat.  That we were all so excited.  Nathan I miss you.  I always will.  And as angry as I am for what you did I love you even more then all those other emotions.  So I choose to forgive you.  I just pray God would help me.  Because I choose forgiveness.

Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.

He gets to start food.

Today little man got his 4 month old vaccinations.  He was such a trooper.  He cried only for a split second until I picked him up and then was immediately calm. 

The Pediatrician said we can begin him on solids!  This makes me so incredibly excited and happy I know he is going to love it.  He always stares so hard at us when we are eating and seems so interested in food so I am excited to let him try it.  I will wait till Thursday when Isaac gets home from work so that he can be there for his first time. 

We will start on rice cereal only for a few days or a few feeds until he get the hang of swallowing.  Then he said we can begin him on stage one, introducing a new food every three days twice a day. 

I want to try and make my own baby food, since its so much cheaper and I will feel more comfortable knowing exactly whats going in it. 

That being said here is my little trooper at 4 months old!

4 months old!!

Sometimes I wonder where on earth the time went.  I remember I was so scared when I brought this little boy home.  I was so in love, so nervous, so grateful and everything in between.  I wanted to just know how to do things and how to relax without stressing over the smallest sound, yellow poops, snotty noses and so much more

No I've ever can really impress on you the way your life will change after you have a baby.  If course you expect to love this new family addition but it's so much more than that.  My heart mealts at every smile.  Joy overflows at every giggle.  This helpless little thing that relies skillet on you had just stolen your heart.  And you wake up every morning knowing you are blessed.  You are blessed indeed.

He's four months old today and I just can't believe it.  Time has just flown by so much.  He's doing things now that are having his personality show so much.  He is happiest when he can look around at everything.  When he can see what's going on.  He has begun to grab his toys and put them in his mouth.  He's sleeping mostly through the night, of course this helps me feel human again.  He loves to laugh and have your attention.  Which he definitely does.

It makes me want another one do bad.  At the same time my heart wants to take in the hiring, broken and less fortunate.  I would love to get plenary m prenatal m pregnant again if possible, but based on my chart I didn't actually ovulate at all last month though my periodi came on CD 31 and later only 4 days ( an amazing occurance in itself).  I still hope after the new year to get pregnant again.  But if for some reason we can not currently my heart is at peace with that.  I say that with such sincerity it suprises me.  But lately whenever I hold Ezekiel I get this overwhelming sense of peace and love and I think to myself you are enough.  Though I want more desperately if it doesn't happen then that's okay because he is enough

Thank you Jesus for my wonderful son.  Thank you for honoring and bringing to pass your promise to have him.  We are so in love.  Hello us to raise him up in the way that you would desire for us to.  We thank you Jesus for your guidance in that. I thank you Lord for your favor to rest upon Ezekiel.  That at a young age he will know you deeply.  That you would speak to his heart those things you wish to manner known.  Let him sell after wisdom and your heart.  I praise you for that Lord.  In Jesus name. -Amen

Almost a Year

I can't believe it's almost been a year since my little brother Nathan committed suicide.  I still get hit with huge waves of grief but especially now as the anniversary of his death is drawing near.  It was on Halloween night of last year that we had our last conversation.  I told him we were pregnant and that we saw the heartbeat that day.  He was so happy for us. 

 I found out later that the text I received on 11/1/14 was a mass text reply from my brother sharing his Halloween costume that afternoon, for some reason my phone delayed the response and I received it at 3:20 am when everyone else received it on Halloween night.  The coroner believes my brother died between 1-3 am.  I believe that it was at the time I received the text.  I feel its just too much of a a coincidence.  I remember being woken up and seeing it and I almost text him asking him what on earth he's doing up so late.  But instead I went back to bed.  Never knowing even if I did he wouldn't be able to respond. 

I miss him more than words can ever say.  I can't believe that on 10/31 it will be a year since we last communicated.  God how I miss him.  It hurt in a fresh way every day.  In a different way.

People say how I feel is normal: the anger, the hurt, the pain.  They say that's part of the "grieving process".  I hate that term "grieving process"  as if when it's over you'll be all better.  But no you'll never be all better.  You'll never be healed from something like this.  Time will numb it but it won't heal it. 

I feel like I am starting to come to grips with how I feel about what he did.  Before it was all I could do to keep it together.  I had to focus on how wonderful he was.  How kind hearted and loving.  But the truth is what he does was selfish and weak.  I feel like I need to be honest and say I'm disappointed.  I'm disappointed he didn't love us enough to push through.  I'm disappointed he decided the current stress of life wasn't worth the bright future ahead. 

He was 21 freakin years old!  Just old enough to be able to drink.  Barely an adult.  But he just gave up on life and that saddens me above all else.  My heart breaks for my family members and what they are also going through and struggling with because of this situation. 

I just wish he had fought to live on.

But wishing does no good.  Not anymore.  So every day we press on.  We move forward.  We try to hard to keep going.  Some days are better than others.  And then of course there are those other days that are just plain out disasters that there seems like there will be no possible way for it to be okay. 

But even as we mourn life keeps going so we can either fight the current or be carried away.  At first I said that I just want to do nothing I want to be closeted up and left alone on the anniversary.  But I decided instead I would pass out candy to all the little trick or treaters this year.  It's the first year after all that I have been off on Halloween so it will be exciting to see all the little kids in costume and will make me smile.  So I'm happy for that. 

For those of you who are struggling with depression and suicidal tendencies yourself just remember:

I have been missing in action lately due to just the craziness of life.  Ezekiel is going through a leap/growth spurt right now that seems to be demanding all of my time.  But on top of that I feel like life is just getting to be really busy. 

I'm back at work which I love!  I'm getting more involved with my Church and Church friends.  And I'm just trying to keep a handle on everything all together.  The leap Ezekiel is going through right now is definitely challenging to say the least.  He will be my smiley happy baby one second then crying and fussy the next.  Mainly crying when he's tired and fighting sleep.  He fought to go to sleep for almost two hours yesterday only to take a 15 minute nap once he finally did fall asleep.  Though today has been much better.  It took about a hour and a half to be able to put him down for his nap but he's sleeping so far for an hour so I say that is making some progress. 

But with this leap is coming so many new things.  I can tell he is actually paying attention to the things around him.  For Example I took him to the zoo on Monday since I was on that side of town it was gorgeous and we have a zoo pass so its free and he was looking around at everything.  Here he is staring into the leopard exhibit and at the flamingos.  He loved the flamingos.

I also took him yesterday on his first walk in the park where I didn't have him in the car seat inside the stroller but had him sitting in the actual stroller by himself.  He loved it!  Though at first(like in the picture)  he wasn't quite sure what to think about it but then as we started moving he looked around and was just in love with everything!

I have to say he has my heart!  I am so very much in love. 

So really that is all there is from me.  I have so much going on and so much I want to get done but there just seems no time to do it.  But I love my little angel so much. 

Isaac and I are doing well and adjusting to a routine as well.  Having a baby has definitely not been easy and the limited time we did have together got even smaller but now that Ezekiel is sleeping through the night I am able to stay up later with him and actually spend some quality time.  That has been nice.  We have been trying to think of date things to do that don't require a lot of work but still allow us to get out and have fun so Friday we will be going to the drive in Movie theater to see the Martian.  Something Isaac really wants to see so I think that will be fun but this way it will be Ezekiel's bedtime so hopefully he just sleeps the whole time we are there.  He normally passes out in the car seat so I think the chances are pretty good. 

We've also been trying to go meet Isaac for lunch every once in a while as well which I personally love walking around down town so I have fun with that.  All in all trying to get as much outside time done that I can before it gets cold and snowy and we are stuck inside.  So for now that's all I have but I feel like it's a lot! 

I love the fall.  I always wanted a fall wedding.  But due to family members starting out of state college it seemed like a fall wedding just wouldn't work very well for us.  So we settled on a June wedding, the first day of Summer and Father's day actually.  It was beautiful but truly I believe there is nothing better than crisp fall weather, sunshine that can warm you to the bone, pumpkin everything, sweaters, scarves and boots!  The leaves are glorious and beyond compare.  I just love it.  But this year as we end September and go into October, what I look at as the heart of the fall months, I feel a deep sense of sadness and loss. 

This fall will make a year since we lost my baby brother Nathan to suicide.  It was on Halloween last year that Nathan and I had our last conversation we would ever have.  It was when I shared with him the news of our pregnancy. We told each other how much we loved each other and how grateful we were for each other, but he knew he was leaving us and that was his goodbye.  All the what ifs, buts and so much more come back up.  All the grief that you forget through the business of life begins to rear its ugly head.  You remember that month so vividly.  You realized that it was the last month any of us would be given the opportunity to tell him we love him. So I would ask for your prayers as the anniversary of my baby brothers death approaches. If I seem withdrawn, sad, distracted or short tempered just bear with me I promise it is not you but this is a time I want to pull into myself, be introverted and deal with all the emotions of grief that still come in waves. I love you Nathan so much. We miss you! I still can't believe your gone. 

Words can not heal our grieving hearts but prayers can help numb it.  So I ask for prayers for my family.  I ask for God's grace to come on us and his healing touch to engulf us.  We can not do it on our own. 

Back to normal

Since getting my period back it seems like everything has actually evened itself out in my body.  I am amazed yet in shock all at once.  I had no signs that ovulation was coming: negative opks, no egg white cervical mucus and I had even checked my cervix position occasionally to find it wasn't where it is supposed to be during ovulation.  But low and behold according to my temperatures it looks like I ovulated.  And of course the timing of sex wasn't exactly ideal.  (sorry for the poor quality picture I had to pull it off my phone.)

 

I guess time will tell if I really did ovulate then or not.  Of course I couldn't help myself to start thinking oh my goodness what if we get pregnant.  On cycle day 14 when we had sex and according to the temps probably ovulated I was so dry we actually used preseed to have sex because its painful without lubrication now.  I just have to laugh at the irony of that.  Maybe it was God's way of trying to get us to have another one.  Isaac would be over the moon.  I would definitely be happy(they would be Irish twins) but I would also probably have a mini panic attack.  We did talk and decide though that if I am not pregnant this month then we will use condoms until December.  I wanted to wait till he was 6 months before we start trying again.  I know that seems silly it's only a few months away but I've seen how much he grows and changes in just a matter of weeks so a few months makes  a big difference.

That being said I am loving life right now.  I love being a Mom, I love my work schedule and my life in general.  Life for the most part is full of joy.  Now don't get me wrong its not all cupcakes and roses.  Isaac and I had a good talk last night though about how having a baby changed things for us and how it has made it so we bicker over the stupidest things.  So we talked about what we think we need help with from the each other and what it is that we need to change.  It was very needed.  I shared with him how I feel like a lot of the times me taking care of Ezekiel is looked at as my job since he works full time but its our job.  I go to work when I'm not with him otherwise except for maybe once a month its all about me taking care of the baby.  We both need time to get out of the house for ourselves, we need to make time for each other.  We just have to communicate instead of assuming the other person knows what needs to be done.  I need to stop hellicopter parenting and let him get on his own schedule with Ezekiel.  I need to express my confidence in him when it comes time for him to be alone with him.  I need to be willing to ask for help.

On a lighter note I figured out where my little ginger baby came from.  I took a picture of myself as a baby out of storage and I had red hair!!!  So I took the liberty of doing a side by side comparison:

We look so much alike its insane!  And I'm not going to lie I love it!  I love looking into those eyes and getting a huge smile.  I love making the little guy laugh.  I love how everyone looks at him and says oh my goodness he looks just like you.  I love it all! 

 

Baby Giggles

I have always said there is nothing in the world sweater than hearing the sound of a child's laughter.  Well Today I captured my precious little angels laughter on camera.  It just melts my heart and makes me laugh myself every time.

After I recorded this I played it back on my phone and every time Ezekiel heard himself laugh in the video he would throw his head back and laugh again.

It's just amazing to me to watch him transform.

Thank You Jesus for blessing me.  I am so in love with this little guy.

How many children?

How many children do I want.  I actually don't have the answer to that question.  I want them all would seem to be the appropriate answer.  Lately I've found myself constantly thinking about getting pregnant.  Not that I necessarily want to be pregnant again right now but the fact that my period was the most normal I have ever hand it in my life makes me think it is actually a possibility to get pregnant on my own without treatments.  I'm currently on cycle day 12 and am just keeping an eye on things and am interested in how things are going to end up looking/working out.

Isaac and I had a conversation the other day talking about this possibilty where he proceeded to use Ezekiel as a puppet to tell mama how he wants to be a big brother.  I had to laugh I feel in all reality I am just not quite ready yet.  If it happened I would be thrilled but I'm not in a place where I would want to actively try to get pregnant again like we were doing before.

I know this might sound a little stupid but I'm afraid that if I get pregnant it might mar the joy a little bit.  I am full of joy and wonder with my little one and love the idea of having another one to keep him company, add to our family, expand the love.  But I just remember how scared I was so many times that something would go wrong.  I would see the blood(I bled sporadically throughout my whole pregnancy) and be so afraid I was loosing him so I'm afraid that if I did get pregnant it might steal some of my current joy.

I love our beautiful family.  I love being a Mom.  And now we are getting into a routine and experiencing new things I know that adding another right now would add a......challenge.  I'm not going to say hardship because I still look at every child as a blessing and I know we could do it.  But I feel now that we are in the swing of things so to speak its actually gotten pretty easy.

I guess in all I just need to trust that God's plan is best.  He gave us our beautiful baby boy that he promised us and He says that blessed is the family that has many children:

 Psalm 127:3-5   

Children are a heritage from the Lord,
    offspring a reward from him.
⁴ Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
    are children born in one’s youth.
⁵ Blessed is the man
    whose quiver is full of them.
They will not be put to shame
    when they contend with their opponents in court.

So for now I will just wait and see how I feel and take things day by day.  Right now I think for at least the next couple months if I know for sure I'm ovulating I will want to abstain.  

So for happy news little dude is 14 weeks old today!  It's amazing watching him grow and change.  Every day he becomes more and more interactive and is starting to see the world in a different light.  It is amazing to witness this. He makes me laugh every day and just gives us so much joy.  

I am happy to report we have a great sleep schedule where he goes to bed around 8:30 every night then will sleep any where from 6-9 hours...normally closer to 9 hours. I am so impressed and grateful all at once since I know it is not normal for a kid this young to sleep that well but I will take it!  Thank you Jesus.  So here are Ezekiel's 3 month pictures: 

It looks like my body may have regulated itself after Ezekiel after all.  I just had my shortest period on a non medicated cycle that I have ever had.  It lasted 5 days when normally my period lasts anywhere from 9-11 days and comes every 31 days.  I'm curious now to see if it will come at 31 days or every few months since I am breast feeding.

My poor little guy has a cold and yet he is taking it like a trooper.  Lat night he was coughing and hacking up snot and I just felt so bad since there really wasn't much I could do.  I'm praying he inherited an immune system like mine where he can get over things really quickly.  I rarely get sick but when I do it normally only lasts a day two at the most.  He already sounds so much better this morning but that might be in part because I have the windows open since it's humid outside to get some fresh air and help put some moisture in the house.  I hate having the air conditioner on all day.  Drives me nuts.  But my little trooper is all smiles and still as happy as can be.  I thank God so much for blessing me with this beautiful little bundle of joy.


I've been thinking about Nathan a lot lately.  I can not believe it's almost been a year since he's been gone.  Since we last spoke.  The pain has become manageable especially with life just becoming so very busy.  But I never want to forget him.  I pulled out my old phone and re read our conversation we had that night and it just seemed so marred.  Before I held onto it like a beacon of hope that Nathan was happy and wasn't planning to do what he did but I feel like now that I know better the texts, that conversation saddens me because now I see it as him saying goodbye.

I wish I could go back in time and see him.  I still think about him all the time.  Occasionally I'll think of something and catch myself before I pick up the phone to call him or send him a text.  It's just so hard to say goodbye.  He used to visit often in my dreams but I feel like with my anger he knew or God did that I needed some processing time.  But I miss that.  I wish he would come sit with me there and talk.  That we could have a conversation and he could tell me all that he has seen since he's been gone.

I wish he wasn't dead.  Dead that word just has so much weight to it.  I think it's actually the first time I've used it.  Normally I say lost my brother, or passed or something like that but really he is dead to this world but alive in another.  God how I miss him.  But I know one day I will see him again and until that day I want to be a beacon of hope to everyone around me to minister to everyone however I can.

Help me Lord to be all that I can be.  To reach out to the hurting and broken.  To love the unlovable.  Help me to stop putting myself first and put other's first always.  Open me up to see people the way you see them.  To see their hurts and pains that must be touched.  Help me Lord Jesus.  ~Amen

Not Ready Yet

I'm not ready.  I'm not ready to find out if I will be able to get pregnant on my own again.  I'm not ready to see if it will take months of hell to allow me to conceive again.  But it appears I don't have a choice.  My period seems to have arrived today.  I was hoping at first that it was just a fluke and that it would turn out to just be spotting from sex a few days ago.  It appears I am not that lucky.

But it's here and there isn't anything I can do about it but bring it before God.

I was thinking just yesterday in fact on how thrilled I would be if I found out I was pregnant again but now that my period is here the what ifs again come to mind(curse those darn what ifs!)  What if I am regulated and get pregnant in the next month.  Do I really feel like I'm ready/okay with it?  But if I'm not regulated I might be okay with it for a little while but I know in the end I will get frustrated and devastated with that in the future as well.  Its a vicious circle that seems to go round and round.

I want to be normal.  I want to be able to have a regulated period at the same time if I did anything to try and prevent getting pregnant right now I would feel so guilty.  Guilty that we might struggle again to conceive in the future.

But the fact is I don't get to choose.  I don't get to make the decision on what is okay and what isn't.  Bottom line is that God knows and I need to trust that He truly does work all things out for the benefit of those who love him.

To be honest I'm not quite sure what I want.  I go from wanting to be pregnant one minute to not for a long time the next.  I take it as hormones still trying to balance themselves out along with me learning how to be a new Mom.

Either way it is out of my hands.  I will trust that God will make what happen what needs to happen

Lets Get Real

So I want to get real in today's post.  It has been a long time since I've been able to gather my thoughts enough to put them into a nice long heart felt post.  So here goes.  Being a mother is everything I ever wanted.  It is better than I ever imagined or dreamed.  But with all of that comes the reality.  The reality that it is also harder than I ever imagined it would be or than I ever dreamed it would be.  Being a Mom means you no longer sleep in, you forget to eat or just all together don't have time to eat.  It means when your exhausted and tired but when your baby cries you somehow still find the inner strength to get up and run to the child that needs you.  Being a Mom is so hard yet so rewarding.

When we were trying to get pregnant I used to hear comments about how much your life changes when you have kids:  You'll never sleep again.  You'll never get your body back.  You'll never be able to travel like you used to.  You'll suddenly be pinching pennies.  The list really can go on and on.  I used to hear those words and get so angry.  All I wanted was to have a child and these women were sitting here telling me about how it made life harder or how it ruined their lives.  Now I know that is not how they were trying to make it sound and they never used those words but in my jealousy that is how my heart took it.  But then I joined in on the Mom thing.  I joined in on having the most precious gift in the world.  And suddenly I am accosted by these thoughts.  By these aggravations, realizations and frustrations.  And with that comes guilt.  I feel guilty that I can get so frustrated with the circumstances that come with my beautiful baby boy.  Uninvited thoughts come often: What did I do?  There goes my freedom of traveling and stress free vacations.  My clothes will never fit the same again.  Wow babies are expensive  and: Man I need a drink.  This precious little gift is a lot of hard work.  But yet I worked so hard to bring him into this world.  I prayed for years spent a lot of time and money to get him to join our family and here I am having these unwelcome thoughts in my mind.  Infertility has left scars that run deep.  Scars that I hope to have healed one day.  But I never want to forget where I started in this journey.  I never want to loose sight of how far we came.

I know when I'm talking or complaining I must remind myself how hard it was to get to this point.  Every time I see a little smile I know it was worth it.

I was joking around with Isaac and told him that the only time I've ever been worried about being an alcoholic has been after having the baby.  After working with him all day and by noon already putting in almost a full work day hour wise the thoughts of having a wonderful glass of red wine after he goes to bed just sounds so wonderful.  So most nights after putting him to bed I have a drink and just let myself unwind.  And it feels wonderful.

Being a Mom is everything I ever wanted.  Its better than I ever imagined.  But it's a lot of hard work, sacrifice and straight on exhausting.  By Noon you already have put in almost a full day's work with your baby.  You begin to count the hours before your partner get's home and you can have a break.  But like all other Mom's every smile, giggle and every first makes it all so beyond worth it.

So to all of you Mom's I wanted to punch in the face when I heard you complain I say to you I'm sorry.  I'm sorry for judging you on something I had no idea of.  I'm sorry for making assumptions and thinking I was going to be better than you.  I have been officially knocked off my pedestal and joined you in the realm or reality.  And to be honest I'm so happy to be here.

So my hat is off to you!   

Back To Reality

Tomorrow is my first day back at work.  I have to say I'm excited but nervous at the same time.  I am excited to get back to work.  Making some money, spending time with friends and having something that is just mine that doesn't revolve around the baby.  Not that I mind him being my world of course.

This past weekend we drove 5 hours to go visit family who we haven't seen in years and it was a wonderful time.  Short, just two nights, but it was so much fun to show him off to everyone.  I realize on trips like these just how much I miss family.  It is really hard being away from them all the time.  Ezekiel did great the whole trip he actually did his longest sleep stretches yet at 9 hours both nights.  Praying that he stays in that habit actually that would be amazing!  We also got the family Generational picture that we wanted to have with the men lined up in order.

I plan on flying back to my family in March since my sister is going to have a baby in February.  I'm excited to see everyone and have something to look forward to but I still can't believe it is 6 months away.  Time is just flying by so fast I know it will be here before we know it.

So I may not post next week since I'll be trying to get into the swing of things back at work but maybe that will give me some more interesting things to talk about.  I feel like my mind has been kind of a blur where I can't even give an interesting post and just ramble instead.  Maybe with longer sleep stretches my mind wont be so much mush.

Until next time

Less than a week

Today is Friday 9/4/2015 and on Tuesday the 8th I shall be returning to work.  I can't believe how fast time has flown by.  This is the main reason I have been MIA  I have wanted to live in the moment.  Every moment.  I haven't been snapping pictures left and right, a few every day sure but not a ton because I don't want to look at my son's life through the eyes of a camera I want to look at it head on and with my eyes.  That is the perspective and way I want to see things.  So that is kind of why I have been MIA  I wanted to just kind of take it all in.  Enjoy and soak up every second of my last days off. 

Every day I fall more in love with this beautiful little guy that has been brought into my life.  I feel so honored that God chose me to be his Mom.  I already feel like he has so much personality.  I can't believe I can already see it at 11 weeks.

In the morning, and I mean early 4/5 am morning we will be heading out to Virginia for Ezekiel to meet his great grandfather who unfortunately is not in very good health.  We want to let them all be together since this is the first time that there are 4 generations of Hammon's alive at once so we will be going to visit and take a 4 generation picture and just spend a little time with family before I go back to work.

I'm actually excited to go back.  I miss doing hair.  I miss my co workers and I miss having something that is just mine that doesn't revolve around the little guy. 

Having a baby changes your world.  It changes everything.  It changes your priorities, perspectives, you name it pretty much it changes it.  But I have to say it is so worth it.

The Tattoo

Here it is.  It is so perfect I cried.  This represents Nathan constantly watching out for us but also his spirit being free and no longer bound to this earth.  He is able to sore to new heights and heavens and explore the universe beyond. 

Closure

Today I am hoping for a little closure.  A little healing.  Today I will be getting the memorial tattoo for Nathan.  I know I said I started therapy well we ended up taking two weeks off since the therapist was on vacation then the next week she was sick so asked if we could reschedule.  So I had the one session then two weeks in between before the next one.  So this week I started again and when I went in I didn't really have anything to talk about.  It was awkward and forced.  She asked how I had been dealing emotionally and I told her currently I felt fine.  That I almost cancelled the appointment because I just didn't feel that overwhelming sense of grief that felt like it was crippling me that I felt before.  So at the end of the session we decided that I would not need her on a regular basis.  She said she will keep my file in case I feel like I need to come back in but that she thinks I should just be an open case so that if those emotions hit with full force like that I can call her but she said it sounded like I was doing well on my own.  And I am.  I feel like I'm doing well.  I know that I've had a lot of great healing experiences but that it wont ever fully heal.

The pain of knowing he is gone forever on this world is so heart breaking.  But I know that God has walked me through it every step of the way.  After I get the tattoo I will post a picture.  The point of the concept is going to be that his spirit is now free and he is no longer bound by this world.  But I also feel like he hasn't quite left us yet.  That his spirit is enjoying life with us now but in a way where he isn't experiencing pain and is able to see the beauty in all things.  I know he would love it.  So that is why I've been somewhat silent the past few days it's in part because I have had a lot going on.

 Last weekend we traveled to visit friends who are Ezekiel's godparents.  It was the first time traveling for a long period of time in the car with Ezekiel(6hours) and he did great the way there.  The way back however......not so great.  I know in part it was from the mountains and his little ears where popping.  We pulled over to the side of the road numerous times in order for me to nurse him so that hopefully it would help.  Of the 6 hour drive he spent probably about half of it crying or screaming.  It got to the point I was so frustrated because I couldn't do anything for him and so I started crying myself.  I also started putting my book together on the journey that we have walked through.  I'm excited to share my thoughts and feelings with the world.


  I can not believe he's over 10 weeks now.  I took two pictures of him one at one week and one at 10 weeks to see the comparison and it is amazing:

You can still see the resemblance but now there is just so much character in that little face

I can't believe I only have about a week left to be with this little guy every day.  I have to be honest though I am excited about going back to work.  Not quite ready but excited if that makes sense.  I miss my co workers and my clients.  I'm ready to get out of the house for myself every couple days for a few hours.  But that doesn't mean I wont miss this guy every second I am gone.

My milk supply has suddenly regulated.  It seemed like it was an overnight change.  I went from pumping an additional 13+ ounces every day to 8 ounces.  I think mostly that in part because he is eating more so I'm not having quite as much left in me when he is done.  He has gotten really good at becoming an efficient eater.

And on top of that this week he slept 7-8 hour stretches every single night.  It has been such a huge adjustment.  But at the same time it has actually made me feel more tired than before I think because I'm just not used to sleep that long of a stretch. 

Time

I kind of feel like I'm not sure what to write about because I have so many different things on my mind it is hard for me to limit it to one topic.  I feel almost like everything is somewhat cloudy.  So be prepared this is going to be a very random post....the day's are mushing together and life is going way too fast.  As of today I only have two weeks left of maternity leave.  Two weeks left spending every single day with my precious angel. 

I know that I still will get so much time with him, after all I'm only going to work 14 hours a week but it is still 14 hours away from my beautiful little angel.  I know I will miss him.  Right now I'm just attempting to take advantage of the time and the snuggles and love on my little guy as much as possible.  But at the same time I feel so ready to get back to work.  So ready to see my co workers and clients and just get out every few days and have some time to myself.

Lately I've just felt like running away.  Not from Isaac or Ezekiel.....it's hard to explain what I mean.  I guess this is the best way for me to put it.  I know that one day Isaac and I are going to open an orphanage in Africa.  That is a dream that God has placed in our hearts and something that i know will come to pass eventually.  We also both have a desire to move to California one day.  Isaac for work(he wants to work in the video game scene) and me just because for some reason I have always had the desire to live there.  But now that Ezekiel is here and week after week is suddenly flying by so fast and I realize we seem so far away from these dreams.   I guess seeing him grow up so fast has kind of forced me to see in perspective how fast time really does fly by.  You can say it but when you see it before your very eyes by the weekly pictures you take it is a whole other story.   

I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was that was making me feel this way.  To feel so restless.  I kept asking Isaac to give me time lines, or goals of timing and when he couldn't or wouldn't I would get so frustrated.  But I know we are where we are supposed to be right now.  We are supposed to be in Pittsburgh with our son and our current jobs.  But I feel like time is going so fast and if we don't start moving towards those goals next thing we know it will be too late.

It makes me go back to the very first tattoo I ever got:

I got the tattoo of Africa on my foot with the scripture from Isaiah 6:8 " Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?”And I said, “Here am I. Send me!”  I got this on my foot to remind me that every every choice I make is a step that will take me either closer to the dreams and callings we have or further away.  So I guess what I've kind of lost sight of is the little by little steps.  The things I can control: such as paying off our dept as fast as possible.  And just every day making decisions that will help put me in the right mind set.  I need to focus on just taking things day by day.  Yes i can look towards the goals and towards the prize but a race is won one step at a time you can't leap from the start line to the finish line without having a lot of hard work in between.

So for now this is my cry:

Heavenly Father, all I want it to be used by you in the place that I am at now.  I want to shine your light to my friends and co workers.  I want to be a good steward over all that you have blessed us with.   I want so badly to be a light and to work to let other's know you.  But I focus too much on the big picture but life isn't about the big picture.  It's about the little tings.  About the every day moments that take place.  I pray that you would help me to make the most of these every day moments.  Help me to focus on being a blessing to others and slowly working towards the goal you have given us.  Give me wisdom to know which direction to walk.  In your name I pray.  ~Amen