2016 Is coming to a close. A lot has happened this year, mostly all good things: Went to Louisiana twice. Went to the beach in North Carolina. Visited Isaac's parents a few times. Had an unexpected positive pregnancy test. Even if this did not take I still count it a positive. It was the first time in over 4 years. As of two days ago I started clomid. And last but certainly not least my job change back in October. I'm listing this last so that I can talk about it.
I said I would strive to be honest with my readers. To let you guys see into the inside of my heart and mind. Well I'm not going to lie this transition from working someplace for the last 6 years into starting from scratch has been scary. Making my own name for myself has been one of the scariest things I've done in a really long time. Even with all that fear I knew that it was exactly what I was being called to do. I would have slow moments and jokingly think to myself well I can always go find a job somewhere else that has walk ins if I need to. But even through the joking I would hear almost a resounding NO in my spirit. Knowing this wasn't what I was supposed to do. I would remind myself that I knew I was where I was supposed to be at this moment in my life. And if God called me to start anew He would take care of the rest as long as I was faithful. So I gave it to Him. Every part of my business. He is the one that I will rely on. Money isn't everything of course but when you suddenly don't have what your used to having it can definitely be a scary thing. But when I am in doubt He is faithful. Beginning in the month of December I slowly had people I didn't know calling or messaging me for appointments. They saw all the work I was putting out and wanted to come see me: My Hair Page Next thing I know the little goals I set for myself (3 color clients a week, ect) are being met. Even if it isn't happening till the week before. But everything is falling into place. I'm excited to see it continue to grow. I don't see myself there forever but definitely where I'm supposed to be for now.
As to beginning Clomid, another separate exciting adventure all on it's own. So far (only on day 2) no bad sad effects which is awesome. I feel really hyped up almost like I drank three pots of coffee on my own and have had trouble getting to sleep the last two nights but that could be too that maybe I did in fact drink coffee to late during the day.
It's amazing to me though how different stepping out into this journey this time is compared to last time. Last time I felt like I was slowly dying each month that I didn't get my positive. This time I feel overwhelmingly grateful already for the little miracle that we have and I love him so much I want another one. And knowing how it worked last time I already feel like I assume it will work this time. There isn't a doubt in my mind. I feel it so strongly in fact that I started painting the room that will end up being the new kids room once we have two and deciding how I want to rearrange the crib with a toddler bed. I think though if I am proven wrong in this that a whole new can of worms will open up. But for now I will take this.
So all in all 2016 has been an amazing year to say the least.
Thursday, December 29, 2016
Monday, December 19, 2016
Ezekiel is in down for his nap. Coffee is here in hand. Worship music is on in the background. Now it's time to catch you all up a little on what is going on with me. The feeling of blahness for lack of a better word comes and goes. But mostly gone. I think it helps that I finally told Isaac how I have been feeling. I explained to him how in part I just felt bored. That I wanted was more adult interaction. I wanted to be able to feel like I have a life outside of taking care of Ezekiel and waiting for him to come home. I explained how I feel like I'm slowly disappearing into myself. I told him how I really just didn't feel desirable no matter how I know he feels about me. He listened and was able to encourage me but necessarily with words. He simply has been there for me as I work through this. Extra long hugs when he gets home. Snuggling on the couch as we watch a movie. Things that I feel like I've been missing or that we both took for granted when they where around.
Slowly but surely the feeling has begun to ebb away. I think in part it is getting better because I have been so busy at work. I have actually felt like I've been doing well. I have felt like I've been making a difference. Something I haven't been feeling yet since I quit my old job. I knew it would take time and still will take even more time to get where I want to be in the future. But I know that God is faithful. He led me on this new adventure in life and He will bring me success.
Speaking of new adventures....my period should be starting on Christmas Day or a few days after. Then we shall begin the new journey with the clomid and trying to get pregnant again. I'm not nervous at all. I'm actually not even anxious for it. I feel just very calm, at peace and a sense that this is exactly what we are supposed to be doing. So onward we go. I think no matter what I can't help but look at it from a different angel than before. I already have one miracle. As much as I want another one I know that my heart is full and shall just expand to make room for others.
To each of you readers I wish you a Merry Christmas. I hope you have wonderful holidays. We are really looking forward to Christmas this year since Ezekiel will actually understand what is going on. I will be sure to come on and post pictures of our holiday together.
~~~Until next time~~
Slowly but surely the feeling has begun to ebb away. I think in part it is getting better because I have been so busy at work. I have actually felt like I've been doing well. I have felt like I've been making a difference. Something I haven't been feeling yet since I quit my old job. I knew it would take time and still will take even more time to get where I want to be in the future. But I know that God is faithful. He led me on this new adventure in life and He will bring me success.
Speaking of new adventures....my period should be starting on Christmas Day or a few days after. Then we shall begin the new journey with the clomid and trying to get pregnant again. I'm not nervous at all. I'm actually not even anxious for it. I feel just very calm, at peace and a sense that this is exactly what we are supposed to be doing. So onward we go. I think no matter what I can't help but look at it from a different angel than before. I already have one miracle. As much as I want another one I know that my heart is full and shall just expand to make room for others.
To each of you readers I wish you a Merry Christmas. I hope you have wonderful holidays. We are really looking forward to Christmas this year since Ezekiel will actually understand what is going on. I will be sure to come on and post pictures of our holiday together.
~~~Until next time~~
Friday, December 9, 2016
Pieces of My Mind
Tonight I want to delve into some emotions I've been dealing with for quite some time. I think tonight it is time to get a little raw. It's been a long time since I have allowed myself to really be open with my emotions on here. But to be honest it's not just on here it is with life in general. Because whether I am feeling like my emotions are stupid or wrong they are still there. I think one reason I haven't wanted to open them up and look at them is because in general I am just not wanting to deal with them.
But I'm going to change that. It's time to take the plunge. So where do I even start? Well I guess by just opening up pandora's box that is my mind and let it flow. That being said I'm going to ask you readers to bear with me as I'm sure it's going to seem like this is a tangent and an unbearable ramble but I feel like it will resonate with a lot of women out there hence I want to share this.
Every day is the same: Wake up to the sound of the monitor dragging myself half awake to Ezekiel's room where upon seeing him I can't help but smile. We go downstairs for breakfast. I fix his food put it in front of him to eat as I make myself a cup of coffee. Most of the time I don't eat breakfast with him but sip my coffee and check facebook as he eats. I then proceed to either 1-get ready for the gym and leave immediately upon him finishing breakfast or get ready to run errands or leave the house for something. 2- If it's a rather blustery or nasty day we will take ourselves the living room upon where we play with toys with Netflix on in the background or do laundry/clean house ect; All the while counting down till nap time. Nap time proceeds right after lunch and depending on when Ezekiel woke up for the day can start anywhere from 12-12:30 and normally lasts for 2 hours. In these two hours I cook, clean, answer emails, promote my business ect; as much as I possibly can. Close to the end of the 2 hours I begin to get bored and just wait for Ezekiel to wake up upon when he wakes we get a snack play and dinner then at 5 pm where the count down till Dad gets home begins. Somewhere in there I cook dinner, or at least get it prepped and the countdown till bedtime 7 pm starts.
Where am I going with this? Every single day it is the same. When the weather was nice and it wasn't freezing I was definitely able to put more things into this schedule but it seems like day after day even when I did put other things in there it is all the same. I'm getting to the point where I don't feel like me anymore. I miss my constant adult interaction, a few hours a week is barely cutting it for me. And even more than that I just don't feel beautiful anymore. I don't even feel mildly attractive. I will do my hair, make up and just look at myself and think egh. Now don't get me wrong this isn't me fishing for compliments or anything. I know other people would look at me and think I look nice or even that I am attractive but I just don't feel it. It's not that I feel ugly because that isn't it either. It's like I feel nothing. Part of me thinks is this what depression feels like? But I don't feel depressed. I don't hate life. I have happy moments and love being able to spend the day with Ezekiel and love going to work. But I'm not sure when the not feeling like me started.
If I break my life down it's not that anything in particular has happened to make me feel this way. Okay that's a lie. I've been dealing with emotions from the anniversary of Nathan's death, and just on November 12th we lost my nephew who was only 6 months to a disease. So grief has definitely been rearing it's ugly head and I've decided to try to shut out those emotions. I have also been dealing with anxiety attacks(rare but happening since Nathan's death anniversary) where I think of all the what if's in this big scary world of what could happen to Ezekiel. Maybe all this is part of the problem. But I don't feel desirable anymore. Isaac will tell me I look really good when I'm sitting in sweat pants and a t-shirt the moments I feel ugly but when I try to look nice I don't get any compliments unless I ask. I know he means it: He really thinks I'm beautiful all the time and the moments he tells me when I feel like I don't deserve it he is seeing me as beautiful. But that definitely doesn't help.
I keep going back to that post I wrote in my mind when Ezekiel was first born: Motherhood is sexy
Because I know that he finds me attractive in being a Mom. In being me. In doing what I do every day. I just wish I felt it.
I'm honestly not sure where I am going with this but I just felt like I needed to get it off of my chest. I feel sad yet not sadness at anything in particular. I guess sad that I feel this way because it is ridiculous right? I mean I get to be home with my son every single day which I have always wanted. I get to watch him grow as my husband provides for us. I get to go to work at a job that I love and change peoples lives. I want to say that this is just a phase but I honestly don't see a way out of it. I feel like I'm somewhat surrounded by a cloud. I know the sun rays are getting through but I don't feel them.
Every day I am seeing God's hand work and move in my life. Every day something happens that causes me to be in awe of His provision and goodness. I feel like there is no reason to feel how I feel. Though I still feel I'm a glass half full person. I still feel bubbly. So I really don't know where these feelings are coming from. Especially as it's getting to be more then just a passing fleeting here and there. I guess when it comes down to it with this then I just really have to let go and give it to God. But how do you give something to God that you aren't even sure what it is?
There it is: the pieces of my mind. I am not sure if any of you can or will relate and I hope for clarity in the next few days to put things in order in my mind and maybe make a little more sense of everything. On Sunday Isaac and I have a baby sitter to go out to lunch and I know that will be good for us.
Until next time.....which I'm going to make sooner rather than later.
But I'm going to change that. It's time to take the plunge. So where do I even start? Well I guess by just opening up pandora's box that is my mind and let it flow. That being said I'm going to ask you readers to bear with me as I'm sure it's going to seem like this is a tangent and an unbearable ramble but I feel like it will resonate with a lot of women out there hence I want to share this.
Every day is the same: Wake up to the sound of the monitor dragging myself half awake to Ezekiel's room where upon seeing him I can't help but smile. We go downstairs for breakfast. I fix his food put it in front of him to eat as I make myself a cup of coffee. Most of the time I don't eat breakfast with him but sip my coffee and check facebook as he eats. I then proceed to either 1-get ready for the gym and leave immediately upon him finishing breakfast or get ready to run errands or leave the house for something. 2- If it's a rather blustery or nasty day we will take ourselves the living room upon where we play with toys with Netflix on in the background or do laundry/clean house ect; All the while counting down till nap time. Nap time proceeds right after lunch and depending on when Ezekiel woke up for the day can start anywhere from 12-12:30 and normally lasts for 2 hours. In these two hours I cook, clean, answer emails, promote my business ect; as much as I possibly can. Close to the end of the 2 hours I begin to get bored and just wait for Ezekiel to wake up upon when he wakes we get a snack play and dinner then at 5 pm where the count down till Dad gets home begins. Somewhere in there I cook dinner, or at least get it prepped and the countdown till bedtime 7 pm starts.
Where am I going with this? Every single day it is the same. When the weather was nice and it wasn't freezing I was definitely able to put more things into this schedule but it seems like day after day even when I did put other things in there it is all the same. I'm getting to the point where I don't feel like me anymore. I miss my constant adult interaction, a few hours a week is barely cutting it for me. And even more than that I just don't feel beautiful anymore. I don't even feel mildly attractive. I will do my hair, make up and just look at myself and think egh. Now don't get me wrong this isn't me fishing for compliments or anything. I know other people would look at me and think I look nice or even that I am attractive but I just don't feel it. It's not that I feel ugly because that isn't it either. It's like I feel nothing. Part of me thinks is this what depression feels like? But I don't feel depressed. I don't hate life. I have happy moments and love being able to spend the day with Ezekiel and love going to work. But I'm not sure when the not feeling like me started.
If I break my life down it's not that anything in particular has happened to make me feel this way. Okay that's a lie. I've been dealing with emotions from the anniversary of Nathan's death, and just on November 12th we lost my nephew who was only 6 months to a disease. So grief has definitely been rearing it's ugly head and I've decided to try to shut out those emotions. I have also been dealing with anxiety attacks(rare but happening since Nathan's death anniversary) where I think of all the what if's in this big scary world of what could happen to Ezekiel. Maybe all this is part of the problem. But I don't feel desirable anymore. Isaac will tell me I look really good when I'm sitting in sweat pants and a t-shirt the moments I feel ugly but when I try to look nice I don't get any compliments unless I ask. I know he means it: He really thinks I'm beautiful all the time and the moments he tells me when I feel like I don't deserve it he is seeing me as beautiful. But that definitely doesn't help.
I keep going back to that post I wrote in my mind when Ezekiel was first born: Motherhood is sexy
Because I know that he finds me attractive in being a Mom. In being me. In doing what I do every day. I just wish I felt it.
I'm honestly not sure where I am going with this but I just felt like I needed to get it off of my chest. I feel sad yet not sadness at anything in particular. I guess sad that I feel this way because it is ridiculous right? I mean I get to be home with my son every single day which I have always wanted. I get to watch him grow as my husband provides for us. I get to go to work at a job that I love and change peoples lives. I want to say that this is just a phase but I honestly don't see a way out of it. I feel like I'm somewhat surrounded by a cloud. I know the sun rays are getting through but I don't feel them.
Every day I am seeing God's hand work and move in my life. Every day something happens that causes me to be in awe of His provision and goodness. I feel like there is no reason to feel how I feel. Though I still feel I'm a glass half full person. I still feel bubbly. So I really don't know where these feelings are coming from. Especially as it's getting to be more then just a passing fleeting here and there. I guess when it comes down to it with this then I just really have to let go and give it to God. But how do you give something to God that you aren't even sure what it is?
There it is: the pieces of my mind. I am not sure if any of you can or will relate and I hope for clarity in the next few days to put things in order in my mind and maybe make a little more sense of everything. On Sunday Isaac and I have a baby sitter to go out to lunch and I know that will be good for us.
Until next time.....which I'm going to make sooner rather than later.
Sunday, December 4, 2016
Time to take the plunge
I can't believe it is December. I swear the older you get the faster time seems to go by. We are doing well over here. Ezekiel seems to be growing like a weed. It's so amazing to watch him learn and discover new things. He now goes up and down the stairs on his own(though baby gates are up when we are not supervising this), takes off his pants and thinks it is hilarious, he has learned to give us the dreaded raspberries on the stomach or cheek. He has become quite a picky little eater. Taking a few bites of something then wanting nothing to do with it the next moment making dinner almost buffet style where he gets a little bit of everything.
We have indeed taken the plunge or rather will be taking the plunge to start clomid next cycle. I went and picked up the medication yesterday and to my delight found it was only $9.80! If I'm remembering correctly it was close to $40 every month for the Fremara. I'm excited to start this next chapter. I realized one of the biggest things holding me back was fear. I was afraid to do this because of the change I recently made in my career. Not knowing where we will be financially or what my business will look like. I'm one that likes to plan ahead and when the future seems a little unknown it's a scary thought bringing another child into that. Then I look back on all God has given us so far. How every time we have had a need He has met it above and beyond what we expected.
The scripture Matthew 25:23 keeps coming to mind: "His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things." Isaac and I have made a commitment to tithe out of what we make even if the money seems like something we can't let go of. But the more we let go the busier I get at work, the more our checkbook seems to stretch. I shouldn't be surprised. I have seen this time and time again. God really is a provider for all of his children. He truly pours into us as we need it. We decided to follow God's leading on this and move forward as He leads us. We both have peace that getting pregnant again right now is the direction we should go. So that is what we are doing. We are just going to allow him to open the doors that need to be opened as we do so.
I feel like that is about all I have to share right now though I know I have plenty I could write about time is always a very limited factor now days.
~Until Next Time
We have indeed taken the plunge or rather will be taking the plunge to start clomid next cycle. I went and picked up the medication yesterday and to my delight found it was only $9.80! If I'm remembering correctly it was close to $40 every month for the Fremara. I'm excited to start this next chapter. I realized one of the biggest things holding me back was fear. I was afraid to do this because of the change I recently made in my career. Not knowing where we will be financially or what my business will look like. I'm one that likes to plan ahead and when the future seems a little unknown it's a scary thought bringing another child into that. Then I look back on all God has given us so far. How every time we have had a need He has met it above and beyond what we expected.
The scripture Matthew 25:23 keeps coming to mind: "His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things." Isaac and I have made a commitment to tithe out of what we make even if the money seems like something we can't let go of. But the more we let go the busier I get at work, the more our checkbook seems to stretch. I shouldn't be surprised. I have seen this time and time again. God really is a provider for all of his children. He truly pours into us as we need it. We decided to follow God's leading on this and move forward as He leads us. We both have peace that getting pregnant again right now is the direction we should go. So that is what we are doing. We are just going to allow him to open the doors that need to be opened as we do so.
I feel like that is about all I have to share right now though I know I have plenty I could write about time is always a very limited factor now days.
~Until Next Time
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)