An end to 2014

Today is just very hard for me.  As much as I have to be grateful for this year I feel like I lost so much.  I will never again be able to pick up the phone and tell my brother I love him.  I have friends who have also lost loved ones and little ones.  I look back at 2014....so glad to leave it behind.  This year has been one full of hardships, stress and aggravation. 

Of course we have had our victories as well, and God has finally brought us into the next chapter, but boy it was so very hard getting here.

I don't know what it is about today that is making it so hard for me emotionally.  I just kind of feel at a loss for words....normally on this day of the year I scream out my blessings and shout from the roof tops how happy I am how how great everything has been.  But this year I don't think I can do that....this year all I want to do is show it my middle finger and say suck on this!

I know His ways are higher than ours.....I know that good will come out of EVERY evil situation that has come about this past year.  Not just in my own life but in my friends and family who are hurting as well. 

God I'm not even sure what to say right now.  My heart just feels so heavy.  Its as if the weight of all the stress of this past year is resting on my shoulders and as I'm about to let it go and step into the next chapter I realize just how draining its been.  Almost like a marathon runner I kept running and running without really realizing just how tired I am. 

I think another thing is this pregnancy is getting me to slow down and really realize that I can not do it all, and that is okay.  But it just isn't me.  I'm so used to keeping everything together: finances, house, groceries, work everything.  Giving 100% everywhere I go but now I just feel so drained and so tired.  And I know I need to listen to my body.  But as I don't feel as accomplished in other areas and I feel like a failure.  I know in part its because I'm a perfectionist but I'm just over it.  I just want to sit down and do nothing all the time.  I guess maybe it's my priorities are changing, I'm really not sure. 

God in this next year I want to run after you ever harder.  I want to seek after you 100%  I want to know before this child even comes how I can raise it the way you would want us to.  Lord I thank you for the blessings you have given us in 2014.  I thank you that my husband and I have grown closer.  We've learned that we truly can accomplish anything together.  I've realized how family must always come first, despite what sacrifices must come with that.  I have loved, I have lost but I am still whole.  I am still complete.  My life has meaning and purpose and I ask for you to help me to focus on those things.  Lord I ask for my friendships to deepen and be founded in you.  I ask that you would help me to look through every situation with your eyes and your understanding.  I ask that you would help me to be the wife, the mother, the daughter, the sister and friend that you would have me to be.  In your righteous name.  ~Amen

I encourage anyone who has dealt with stress or hardships in 2014 to listen to the song below.  Its beautiful!  

 

So Tired

So lately I have just been so tired.  I sleep about 9-10 hours a night but then still feel like I want a nap later during the day.  I have never believed that I was going to be this tired even into the second trimester.  But I do have to say I have been pretty productive.  Every day getting something ready/closer to being ready for the baby.  We ordered our corner office desk for the office so we can move it down into the computer room and tomorrow I plan on emptying one of the closets tomorrow and getting things started.  I can't wait to have that room cleaned out in order to start getting stuff together for the nursery.  I did decide either way we will paint the nursery a very light blue and then use decorations to either go for a girl or boy theme. 

I feel like I'm kind of  rambling so I'm going to go ahead and just stop while I'm ahead. 

14 weeks (A sigh of Relief)

We made it!  We are officially at 14 weeks.  I know technically last week I made it to trimester two but now I feel like it is official.  I feel like now I can let out a big sigh of relief.  We are also getting ideas together for the nursery.  That seems to be coming along really nicely.  I found a whole bunch of Alice and Wonderland themed ideas on Etsy. 

As to me I know you are supposed to get a nice bump of energy in trimester two but I have been so unbelievable tired.  I just want to nap every day.  But today I gave in and took that nap and it was so incredible.  I think I'll probably go ahead and give into that little nap whenever I feel like I can or need to.

I also got my thyroid results in today and it's looking good.  So everything is right where it needs to be.

I can't wait to find out what we are having but until then I'm just trying to enjoy the journey and take things day by day. 

Food Adversions

So this past week has been so strange. Since getting pregnant I haven't had any desire for sweets or some of the things I normally would eat.  Which I was absolutely fine with.  But lately I just can not stand meat.  I am okay with ground beef(tacos, bugers, spaghetti ect;) pretty much anything made with ground beef but nothing else.  I can't stand chicken, eggs or anything.  I try and eat it and just start gagging.  I made delicious chicken marsala the other night it tasted amazing but I couldn't bring myself to eat the chicken in it, though taste wise it tasted fine but the texture just grossed me out.  So I ended up just having the rice and sauce together and it was delicious.  But really strange.  Well it's been like this for the past week slowly building up but also getting worse.  This morning I made eggs for breakfast with some cheese in it started eating and almost through up in my plate as I sat there.  I just couldn't take the taste.  I guess baby is just being really picky.  I don't feel nauseous.  I don't feel sick its just certain foods I try and eat them and NOPE not gonna happen.  It would make me giggle if it didn't leave me hungry every few hours.  I bought a lamb leg roast for Christmas dinner I am going to try and cook and I'm praying I can eat it because it sounds really good.  In fact all the food has sounded really good but I just can't eat it when it's in front of me. 

In other news my family bought their tickets to come up for my baby shower!!!  I'm so excited!  I can't wait to have them here and just love on them so much.  I feel so incredibly blessed things are just moving so fast!  I can't believe I'm already 13.5 weeks.  I remember like it was yesterday looking back at all the hardships and trials and just wondering when I was going to have my turn.  And here we are.  It reminds me of Isaiah 45:2-5

I will go before you

and will level the mountains ;

I will break down gates of bronze

and cut through bars of iron.

I will give you hidden treasures,

riches stored in secret places,

so that you may know that I am the Lord,

the God of Israel, who summons you by name.

For the sake of Jacob my servant,

of Israel my chosen,

I summon you by name

and bestow on you a title of honor,

though you do not acknowledge me.

I am the Lord, and there is no other;

apart from me there is no God.

I will strengthen you

He brought us through all those hardships.  All those mountains.  All those stressful situations and times where we just didn't know if we could handle anything else.  

God thank you for bringing us to this place.  Thank you for your faithfulness and your grace.  Thank you that you have truly blessed us and provided for us.  Thank you that you will continue to open the doors that you want opened for us and close those you want closed.  Thank you Lord Jesus.  ~Amen

Great Deals

I have been trying to be as good a steward over our finances as I can.  Especially with a extra one coming I of course want to make sure we have everything we need but without breaking the bank and God has definitely blessed us.  I have a good friend who sold me her awesome pack and play for $30.

Then I have another friend who added me to the Facebook Market where you can buy and sell things for your kids or post exactly what your looking for.  Well I decided to post on there that we were in search of a dark cherry wood changing table since they run close to $100 I figured why not see if I can find one on here.  Well not only did I find a great one.  I got it for $35 with two mattress pads and three slip covers! 

So excited and so blessed! I have a co-worker who has given me a ton of stuff as well: another changing pad(so I'll be giving mine away)  a few toys and a dish washer cage for baby bottle stuff, a nursing pillow and a few other things.  Then I have a client who if giving me her infant swing that has been barely used. 

So I just feel really really blessed so far this pregnancy.  God has just really given me so much peace and joy despite all the hardships to get here and the hardships at the beginning. 

My friend who is throwing me the baby shower is going above and beyond!  She rented out a beautiful venue, has a TON of fun games/raffles planned and is just all around making me feel like a princess and I love her for it.  I never had anyone do something like this for me.  I didn't have a bridal shower or a bachelorette party just because everyone was out of town so to have someone go all out for me is just amazing.  So I have to say for you readers who have a facebook look and see if they have a market where you can find lots of goodies for your future nursery.   

13 weeks

So This week I am officially entering into the second trimester.  It's so exciting to be here.  Every night after I have been working or moving around I sit on the couch with Isaac and begin to feel the flutter's of life as the little one squirms around in the womb.  At first it was so light I couldn't really tell what I was feeling.  I was thinking maybe it was gas or something like that but over the past week and a half it's only gotten stronger and more noticeable every night.  Some nights the little nugget is a little more active than others and to be honest on those nights where he/she is not as active then I get on my guard and try make sure I'm paying attention so I can feel the movement.  And just like that whenever I am feeling nervous I'll feel it.  Almost like it senses I need to know it's alright in there so it will wiggle around for me. 

I had my 13 week check up today.  It went really well.  I got to hear the heartbeat for the first time.  It was beyond amazing.  I loved it.  She said everything was sounding perfect and it was looking like a happy/healthy little baby.   She wouldn't do another ultrasound and recommended pelvic rest until our anatomy/gender reveal ultrasound at 18 weeks.  So we will continue on this path I guess, though tough it will be worth it.  I lost a little more weight so in total I have only gained one pound which she said is right on track for what she wants.  This entire pregnancy she only wants me to gain 20-25 pounds total.  So I guess if things keep going the way they are then I'll be right on track. 

We scheduled our gender reveal ultrasound/anatomy scan for January 19th.  I am so excited to find out what we are having!  I have no preference still.  And I can't tell if it's because everyone is telling me they think I'm having a girl but I keep picturing a little girl's nursery.  But it could just be because I keep hearing that over and over again.  Either way I will be just so incredibly excited. 

The Midwives are saying I'm 13 weeks and 1 day and that my due date is June 22nd.   I still think it's the 23rd and we are one day off based on my ovulation day.  But at the same time I kind of like being one day ahead just because it puts me to holding my little miracle even sooner.  Even as I'm typing this I feel the little one just fluttering away in my uterus.  It makes me so incredibly happy.

In other news I also found a great find of a used changing table for only $35 and we bought a really nice pack in play from a friend of ours for $30.  So little by little we are getting the things we need.  I only want to get the really big things such as the crib, rocker, changing table and dresser before the baby shower.  I feel like everything else i can just wait till after.

As of the baby shower the plan is May 9th and I have a ton of family/friends both driving and flying in from out of town to visit/come for it so I'm requesting the week off so I can actually spend the week with everyone in town and enjoy the whole time. 

So as always on my weekly updates here is my 13 week update:

Stress Release

Tonight I just needed some quiet time.  Not that I haven't had time alone.  But when I've had time alone I haven't been able to get myself to really relax or enter into the presence of Jesus.  I've had a lot going on at work that is just really frustrating me.  I have so many things to think about with the baby coming.  But then to top it all off I'm just so incredibly tired all the time and baby brain has made it where I can not seem to function.  I can't find things I just located and my mind races constantly.  I needed to just veg.

So I took some candles, ran myself a bubble bath turned off all the lights put on some worship music and just relaxed.   It was beyond amazing.  It's as if I could feel the stress just seeping out of me.  It was so incredible.  As the worship began to play I tried to just take myself into a time of prayer but found I couldn't.  I didn't know how to pray for the things that were bothering me right now.  But then I realized it's okay.  It is not about our words, or even the actual requests we need but just about the heart and the things that God has for us.  And what He has for us every day is to just sit as His feet and feel loved, protected and at peace.  And that is exactly what happened and it was amazing. 

Thank you Jesus for this time of relaxation you have given to me.  I needed it more than I realized.  There is nothing like resting at your feet Lord.  And at your feet is where I want to be always even in the midst of chaos, stress and aggravation I want to allow your peace to rest upon me and help me to react in all ways like you would.  Thank you Heavenly Father.  ~Amen

On the baby front nothing really to new to report.  I lost almost two pounds this past week so now I've only gained 1.2 pounds so far this trimester.  Not really sure how that happened I've been eating three meals a day and forcing myself to snack.  But it might be WHAT I'm eating.  I'm eating a lot healthier and sweets just really don't appeal to me very much.  Either way they say you should only gain 1-5 pounds the first trimester so I guess that's a good thing. 

Today I officially turned 12 weeks.  I can't believe next week I'll finally be in trimester two!  That's just so exciting.  I think I've definitely started to feel little flutters from the baby.  It's very sporadic and still down towards my uterus/pelvic area but it will be like a really light brushing on the inside of my uterus.  It normally happens after I've been walking around at work all day then sit on the couch for the first time in a while to relax then after I sit there for a bit it will start off and on.  It's amazing.  I can't wait till I can feel actual kicks and defined movement. 

Here is a picture I took yesterday.  It looks so pointy here but I love it either way! 

 

Please excuse the mess on my dresser.  

Day by Day

So I really don't have much news to report.  It's been a  few days though since I have written so I thought I should go ahead and just give a slight update though I don't really have much to report.  I've been fighting a cold which is hard to do when you can't really take much for it.  But thankfully with as much rest as I can it has gotten a lot better.

I do have to say though my bump as gotten progressively bigger the past few days.  I am noticeably pregnant and my stomach is starting to get firmer to the touch...so things are definitely moving all around.  I've gained three pounds so far.  I do have to say something  strange has been  taking place I have no desire for sweets and I'm normally such a huge sweets  person.  But  it just doesn't apeal to me what so ever.

I do wish we could get back to life as normal when it comes to sex life.  But at the same time ever since my dream I had of miscarrying after sex I'm scared of the thought of even trying again.  I know that it doesn't really matter now because we can't.  I have my next appointment on December 16th.  I'm going to ask if they will do an ultrasound so that I can see if the hemorrhage is gone.  And then I guess just decide after that. 

Vivid Dreams

Last night I had two vivid dreams back to back.  They were so real and so intense I didn't know what to think when I woke up after each.  I thought it was so real.

The first dream:

Me and all my siblings and my parents traveled back in time to when my brother Nathan first moved in with his friends in Colorado.  We went to try and see if we could talk him into making different life choices that would sway him into a different direction then the suicide that ended his life.  Nothing we said could change his mind.  He believed that even his mistakes where something that we could learn from.  So we decided to stay as long as we could just to get some extra time with him.  He was doing very well.  He was happy and independent.  He cared so much for everyone else.  Us looking at him and knowing that no matter what we said it wasn't going to sway him into another direction with his life.  So we just got as many hugs and kisses as we could over those few days we were there.  I could feel his arms around me.  I could here is voice, his laughter and his goofy way of annoying me.  It was as if I was in the room with him.  As much as it saddens me to remember I am so glad for this dream.  It was exactly as if I was with my brother one last time.  Only this time I got to say goodbye.  I know he is gone physically from this world.  But spiritually he roams the earth looking for new adventures every day.  Worshiping at the feet of Jesus knowing that His grace is sufficient for him.  It was amazing seeing you again last night Nathan.  Please feel free to visit my dreams as often as you like.  I love you!

Second dream(the nightmare):

Isaac and I decided to have a romantic evening that ended catastrophically.  We went to have sex and I immediately started bleeding.  Only this time the baby came out.  It was only the size of a little kidney bean but there it was arms legs little head everything.  I held it in my hand in utter horror not understanding how we could have lost our little one.  All the sudden I started bleeding.  I was bleeding so heavy it was as if someone turned on the bathtub faucet.  The blood was so intense along with the pressure that I started vomiting as well.  I knew we had lost our baby.  It was too late.  Nothing could be done.  I woke up and almost threw up right there in bed.  It took me a second to realize that it was just a dream.  It was so real.  It had looked like a murder scene  blood everywhere, my little baby in my hand, me in utter shock.  Needless to say I'll be praying to never have dreams like that again.

God despite what the world tries to throw at us I know that you are indeed in control of everything.  You proved your faithfulness over and over again.  This wasn't the journey I ever expected for us.  But it's the one your brought us and in bringing that you also brought victory.  You brought Isaac and I closer together.  You proved to us that Your ways really are higher.

Isaiah 55:6-13

Seek the Lord while he may be found;
    call on him while he is near.
⁷ Let the wicked forsake their ways
    and the unrighteous their thoughts.
Let them turn to the Lord, and he will have mercy on them,
    and to our God, for he will freely pardon.

⁸ “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
⁹ “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.
¹⁰ As the rain and the snow
    come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
    without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
    so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
¹¹ so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
    It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
    and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
¹² You will go out in joy
    and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
    will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
    will clap their hands.
¹³ Instead of the thornbush will grow the juniper,
    and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
This will be for the Lord’s renown,
    for an everlasting sign,
    that will endure forever.”

Today I hit 11 weeks.  Two more weeks and we will be in the second trimester.  Oh I am just so ready to be there.  Lately it is as if every fat cell just rearranged itself to my stomach.  Which let's be honest I love.  I love having a baby looking bump even thought I know it isn't baby yet.  I have to admit though the maternity clothes really make it look more bump less fat.

 

I was wondering why I started showing the bump so soon then I thought about it, they told me I have a tilted uterus so I wonder if that makes everything shift a little more thus pushing things outwards.  Either way I'm so okay with it...though now I officially only fit my maternity pants, which I own a whopping one pair.  My goal today is to get my empty plastic clothes bin that is downstairs and fold up all the clothes I currently don't fit into.  No reason to have them taking up space.  Then we are going to go and get me some more maternity pants.