Only 3 months to go and I will be meeting with the OBGYN in hopes to get the medication I need in order to have another baby. I'm not going to lie it makes me angry to think that this tiny little pill is all that stands between me and another child and there is no way to get it without a script from a DR. It makes me angry, sad and disappointed all together.
I realize now that I actually have an appointment set up that the only thing really standing in the way for me was well of course money; I don't have $600 a month to put towards testing or trying to get pregnant again. But more so there was the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder I seem to have. Just the thought of having to go in get blood work, ultrasounds ect; several times a week makes me come so very close to a panic attack. But the thought of being able to go through it with just blood work and fertility meds makes me so much happier indeed. I really pray that everything ends up working out as it should. But I guess in part some of that prayer needs to be that I really hope I'm okay too with the way God works everything out too.
I keep trying to tell myself that just because he did it for the one person(prescribing the meds without demanding all the extra testing) doesn't mean necessarily that it would be the same for me. There are of course different circumstances for different people.
I am kind of in shock though how I went form no never again to Oh I don't have to do all that then YES!!!! It really was kind of an eye opener for me. Though I'm not going to lie I still am praying/hoping I can get pregnant on my own but even the thought of having hope like that makes me roll my eyes. But one thing it has taught me is to stop planning. Stop trying to schedule my whole lie and just really live in the moment.
That being said as to the beautiful baby boy we have now I am just so stinking blessed. I swear I won the baby lottery. He is so easy to hang out with and make laugh. Rarely fusses thankfully and just overall is so much fun. Exhausting to take care of but so very fun. Isaac is out of town today and for the few days but today was the first day of just us where it was planned and it was honestly awesome. It was so fun to have my beautiful baby boy and not feel rushed to make dinner, clean up ect; all within an hour before bedtime. I decided tonight I would date myself. I put Ezekiel to bed, cooked one of my favorites that Isaac hates(good ole' southern red beans and rice) got myself a bottle of wine and rented pride prejudice and zombies. Overall a very relaxing evening planned. But that being said it makes me wonder why do I rush around as if I have to finish all that stuff. I know Isaac, I know he wouldn't care so why do I fight myself in order to get all this stuff done instead of taking time to enjoy actually being a family together. Isaac and I both notice that on days when Ezekiel is with both of us together(only on Sundays) that he just seems so happy. So shouldn't we strive for that whenever we can? But at the same time I feel Ezekiel needs some one on one time with his Daddy too. He See's him get home from work and he crawls to him as fast as those little legs can take him. When Isaac pics him up he hugs his face and occasionally kisses what part of his cheek isn't covered in beard hair. Overall though I think the general consensus is we are blessed. So blessed and whether we get another baby we will still feel that way. But of course it doesn't take the feelings away.
Heavenly Father we truly give all to you. We ask that you would guide us to be the parents you desire for us to be to Ezekiel and any other children you bring into our lives. We thank you that you will open the doors you want open for us and close those you want closed. Help us Lord to truly let go and truly surrender to you. We thank you Lord that our will isn't what will be done but yours. In your Name we pray. ~Amen
Thursday, June 30, 2016
Monday, June 27, 2016
A Journey Through Motherhood
As I said in my last post I felt a change coming on. I didn't know what change and truth be told I could barely get my words together if I'm going to be honest with myself. But yet that feeling was there deep in the pit of my stomach.
God had begun to convict me recently on trying to plan too much of my life. I would say "Oh in so many years we will adopt then "...." will happen." But that isn't the way the world works and I have begun to see it that way.
I used to have a prayer I would pray over myself every day where I would speak into life believing that God was going to direct me down the path that He so desired me to walk down. That I was going to simply put all faith hope and trust in Him guiding my steps and that I would follow His leading and He would open doors for me to walk through.
So where am I going with this? Well as any of you readers who have been following me from the beginning you can see in my blog I have always said "In so many years we will do this then go to this ect;" But Yet things would then change. Then I would say "Oh well this will work better so we will do this." Just too much planning when it came right down to it. And yes it is good to have a plan. It's smart to have a plan. But sometimes that plan can get in the way of what God is trying to accomplish.
On Saturday I had a client come in who also had to do fertility treatments and actually went to the same practice as me. She started trying to conceive but instead of going back to the RE(Reproductive endocrinologist/fertility specialist) she found a obgyn that is willing to prescribe her the clomid/fremara that I had to take in order to conceive Ezekiel. She said that the only monitoring he requires is blood work. As she's speaking I get this overwhelming feeling of needing to call this Doctor to speak to him and to see him. It's almost too good to be true a obgyn who is actually willing to allow me to do the fertility drugs without all the excessive monitoring. I have heard of it multiple times but yet...maybe its too good to be true. Either way though I will find out. I booked an appointment with him in October (the earliest I can be seen) and will see if this is an option for me. If it is I would like to take it. If it's not then I know that God is officially closing the door to me being pregnant for the time being.
Already my brain has begun spinning on how the appointment might go. I'm praying I walk out of there with a script in my hand enabling me to become pregnant again. At the same time I'm thinking of what it will most likely be; that she was under special circumstances and that it really is too good to be true. All in all I am trying so very hard to trust God and really just follow His leading. But I do have peace about this. I have peace knowing that God's will shall be done. Isaac is very excited about the possibility to have another baby before we adopt. I'm not sure why he wants it in that order and honestly I don't know that he does either.
So where does this bring us? Well it brings us to my final point: I'm sure my more avid followers immediately noticed the change not only in Layout but also my blog title. It was originally "A journey to Motherhood" But I have now changed it to a Journey Through Motherhood. This is exactly where I am. I'm going through motherhood which in and of itself is not without its trials and hardships but is worth every single second. I love my son with all of my heart and can no longer imagine life without him. Now I think on how great it will be when we have even more that we feel that way about. Yes there are some days I count the very minutes before bedtime(today actually is one of those days) But they are all worth it. So here I am. A wanderer, a drifter, a traveler through motherhood. Excited to see what the future has in store; whether through adoption, pregnancy or even something else. I'm trying to let go, give God the reigns and just enjoy the journey.
I'm so glad to have you to follow me through it. And I hope you continue to follow me in a my Journey through motherhood as we find out all the treasures God has in store for us.
God had begun to convict me recently on trying to plan too much of my life. I would say "Oh in so many years we will adopt then "...." will happen." But that isn't the way the world works and I have begun to see it that way.
I used to have a prayer I would pray over myself every day where I would speak into life believing that God was going to direct me down the path that He so desired me to walk down. That I was going to simply put all faith hope and trust in Him guiding my steps and that I would follow His leading and He would open doors for me to walk through.
So where am I going with this? Well as any of you readers who have been following me from the beginning you can see in my blog I have always said "In so many years we will do this then go to this ect;" But Yet things would then change. Then I would say "Oh well this will work better so we will do this." Just too much planning when it came right down to it. And yes it is good to have a plan. It's smart to have a plan. But sometimes that plan can get in the way of what God is trying to accomplish.
On Saturday I had a client come in who also had to do fertility treatments and actually went to the same practice as me. She started trying to conceive but instead of going back to the RE(Reproductive endocrinologist/fertility specialist) she found a obgyn that is willing to prescribe her the clomid/fremara that I had to take in order to conceive Ezekiel. She said that the only monitoring he requires is blood work. As she's speaking I get this overwhelming feeling of needing to call this Doctor to speak to him and to see him. It's almost too good to be true a obgyn who is actually willing to allow me to do the fertility drugs without all the excessive monitoring. I have heard of it multiple times but yet...maybe its too good to be true. Either way though I will find out. I booked an appointment with him in October (the earliest I can be seen) and will see if this is an option for me. If it is I would like to take it. If it's not then I know that God is officially closing the door to me being pregnant for the time being.
Already my brain has begun spinning on how the appointment might go. I'm praying I walk out of there with a script in my hand enabling me to become pregnant again. At the same time I'm thinking of what it will most likely be; that she was under special circumstances and that it really is too good to be true. All in all I am trying so very hard to trust God and really just follow His leading. But I do have peace about this. I have peace knowing that God's will shall be done. Isaac is very excited about the possibility to have another baby before we adopt. I'm not sure why he wants it in that order and honestly I don't know that he does either.
So where does this bring us? Well it brings us to my final point: I'm sure my more avid followers immediately noticed the change not only in Layout but also my blog title. It was originally "A journey to Motherhood" But I have now changed it to a Journey Through Motherhood. This is exactly where I am. I'm going through motherhood which in and of itself is not without its trials and hardships but is worth every single second. I love my son with all of my heart and can no longer imagine life without him. Now I think on how great it will be when we have even more that we feel that way about. Yes there are some days I count the very minutes before bedtime(today actually is one of those days) But they are all worth it. So here I am. A wanderer, a drifter, a traveler through motherhood. Excited to see what the future has in store; whether through adoption, pregnancy or even something else. I'm trying to let go, give God the reigns and just enjoy the journey.
I'm so glad to have you to follow me through it. And I hope you continue to follow me in a my Journey through motherhood as we find out all the treasures God has in store for us.
Sunday, June 19, 2016
He's One Year
My I can't believe how fast time has flown. I looked up yesterday to see Ezekiel standing(yes standing!) by the stairs staring at me! I was blown away by how much of a little boy he looks like and I wanted to immediately put my phone away, turn off the tv and get rid of all distractions and just stare at him as I was afraid the minutes where just going to begin zipping by and next thing I know he'll be walking and talking or going off to college, getting married.......you get the picture. This year felt like it passed by with warp speed.
We are beyond blessed. I can not even begin to comprehend how God brought us to where we currently are. I remember begging and praying to God, believing on faith that I would just be able to conceive and here we finally are. I have a one year old. He babbles and laughs, eats and poops, cries and sleeps. I never want to take any moment I can treasure with him for granite. I want so badly to just hold him so close and pray over him. He sleeps at night and I listen for the monitor to go off just to remind me that he is there. If he cries out for me in the middle of the night(which doesn't happen often) but when it does my heart sores with thankfulness that I have a baby to answer that cry to.
There are too many women I know and even some of you readers I only know through the ciber world who still struggle with infertilitiy. Still struggle every day to put a smile on your face with the dreaded question of: Do you have any kids?
I've begun to get: Will you have any more? over and over again and my answer is always the same: I sure hope so and then I tell them of our struggle with infertility and how once again we are battling with that but that we plan to adopt and have another if possible. It annoys me however that most people know our struggles now and will still ask if we will have any more, but once again I smile and say I sure hope so.
Either way though being a mother has taught me that I can love children of all ages even if they are not mine. I never thought I could feel so strongly about protecting someone as I do now. I know that there is a natural mother instinct that all women feel even before they have children but being a Mom now its like that feeling times 100. Nothing better come between you or your child or their shall be hell to pay. I want protect those that can not protect themselves. Adoption is definitely in the works before we do fertility treatments again, but I am open to one day going back to the fertility doctor if God opens that door for us.
Isaac and I have decided together that not only do we want to protect Ezekiel and any other children we may have but we want to truly be examples to them of who God has called each and every one of us to be. We have begun doing nightly devotionals and praying together just the two of us to help us to grow closer to God.
That being said I would like to share his one year photo along with a few from his birthday party:
I feel like from here on out my entries will not be focused on us conceiving or adopting since that is not in the immediate future but rather on where my heart is with God and the calling he has placed on our lives as we grow as a family in him and eventually in numbers. I haven't decided if I want to change the name of the blog as Journey to Motherhood is still in the works, but I feel it may change very soon so if you happen to come upon the blog and see the layout and title different that will be why.
I feel God tugging me in a different direction, but yet I'm not sure where that leads. I want the people who read this to get something out of it: whether that be encouragement, prayer or even challenges. I feel like over this past year it's become sort of a story board.....not to say that's a bad thing but I feel it is time to go a different direction. So keep your eyes peeled for the change will be coming soon.
~To all my readers who have stayed with me this far I thank you!~
We are beyond blessed. I can not even begin to comprehend how God brought us to where we currently are. I remember begging and praying to God, believing on faith that I would just be able to conceive and here we finally are. I have a one year old. He babbles and laughs, eats and poops, cries and sleeps. I never want to take any moment I can treasure with him for granite. I want so badly to just hold him so close and pray over him. He sleeps at night and I listen for the monitor to go off just to remind me that he is there. If he cries out for me in the middle of the night(which doesn't happen often) but when it does my heart sores with thankfulness that I have a baby to answer that cry to.
There are too many women I know and even some of you readers I only know through the ciber world who still struggle with infertilitiy. Still struggle every day to put a smile on your face with the dreaded question of: Do you have any kids?
I've begun to get: Will you have any more? over and over again and my answer is always the same: I sure hope so and then I tell them of our struggle with infertility and how once again we are battling with that but that we plan to adopt and have another if possible. It annoys me however that most people know our struggles now and will still ask if we will have any more, but once again I smile and say I sure hope so.
Either way though being a mother has taught me that I can love children of all ages even if they are not mine. I never thought I could feel so strongly about protecting someone as I do now. I know that there is a natural mother instinct that all women feel even before they have children but being a Mom now its like that feeling times 100. Nothing better come between you or your child or their shall be hell to pay. I want protect those that can not protect themselves. Adoption is definitely in the works before we do fertility treatments again, but I am open to one day going back to the fertility doctor if God opens that door for us.
Isaac and I have decided together that not only do we want to protect Ezekiel and any other children we may have but we want to truly be examples to them of who God has called each and every one of us to be. We have begun doing nightly devotionals and praying together just the two of us to help us to grow closer to God.
That being said I would like to share his one year photo along with a few from his birthday party:
I feel God tugging me in a different direction, but yet I'm not sure where that leads. I want the people who read this to get something out of it: whether that be encouragement, prayer or even challenges. I feel like over this past year it's become sort of a story board.....not to say that's a bad thing but I feel it is time to go a different direction. So keep your eyes peeled for the change will be coming soon.
~To all my readers who have stayed with me this far I thank you!~
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)