28 Weeks

So I didn't have time to write anything this past weekend with working and just exhaustion in general kind of creeping in.  But here is the story on what happened/went on.  I woke up Saturday morning to spotting again.  Yes AGAIN.  This time though there was actually a tiny clot along with just a lot of pink/bloody cervical mucus mixed in.  I didn't do anything that could have caused it.  We didn't have sex(the first thing my midwife asked).  So today(Monday) I will be going in to see them and hopefully we can figure out what's causing it.  She said it's very uncommon this late in the pregnancy to continue spotting without seeing any problems.  Ezekiel is healthy, super active, the placenta is where it needs to be...ect;  So I think the one possible explanation is the contractions/braxton hicks I have already been getting at random are causing a few of the blood vessels to break.  When I was laying in bed Saturday I had gotten up around 5 am to pee and there was no spotting I got back in bed and coughed once and my entire uterine area seized up for a good 15 seconds in a really painful cramp where I couldn't move or get myself out of the fetal position.....this is the same thing that happened last time I started bleeding back on March 2nd.  So thinking most likely it was that...but the fact that there was a little clot this time makes me wonder.......either way I have a very large list of questions I will be hitting them with.  After my appointment I'll Edit on this entry at the bottom on how it went.

~~~~~Edit: Went to Appointment~~~~~~

So I went and saw the midwives today and asked a load of questions at the appointment today.She they said the only two things they would be concerned about at this point with bleeding/spotting is: 1) Placenta previa which she knows I don't have she said actually my placenta is as far away from the cervix as you can possibly get.  2) Placenta abruption where there would be a tear in the placenta or it would tear away from the wall but she said if you have that the bleeding isn't just spotting its continuous and fresh.  So she thinks I just have a really sensitive cervix.  We hadn't had sex so we know its not from that but both times: on March 2nd and this past Saturday the day before or a few hours before I got a contraction/cramp in my uterus that lasted for several seconds after a cough or sneeze so she thinks the contractions/spasm I'm not sure what to call it are just breaking some blood vessels.    

She then measured my fundal height and checked his heart beat and everything seems right on track.  I can't believe it's flying by so fast!  Its April I have about two and a half months and I'll be holding my beautiful little boy!  

I now start going to see them every two weeks, I think this will be will I hit 35 weeks then I will go every week. 

It doesn't go away

The hurt, the loss of a loved one.  The disappointment of losing a dream.  It hurts.  There is a certain week at the end of April that is going to be a very hard one.  April 25th was the due date for our miscarriage we had back in August.  Then on April 26th my family down in Louisiana is going to celebrate with a crawfish boil Nathan's birthday(the 27th).  The last thing we all did as a family together was have a crawfish boil...though this was a couple years ago now. 

I know I got a few new readers the past month so in case you didn't go back and read.  My youngest brother Nathan, who was only 21 committed suicide early morning on November 1st.  Just a few hours after I had talked to him, told him about the little miracle we were expecting.  Shared the ultrasound pictures.  And he raved on how excited for us he was, how he is so excited to be an Uncle.  How he loves us and then he said Devin I mean this I'm so glad your my sister.  When I said thank you he reiterated.  No I mean it I thank God so much for putting you in my life.  I love you so much.  Then a few hours later he was gone.  It's hard.  It's so hard.  And that grief doesn't go away....you learn to bury it, to survive and live on but it doesn't go away. 

So you keep on trucking on, because life doesn't stop just because your mourning.  We may have lost our first baby but we were blessed just a few months later with this beautiful miracle who is on his way.  The promise that God gave us so long ago.....You will have a son and you will name him Ezekiel.  I don't know why God didn't let that first pregnancy continue...or why things worked out the way they did.  But what I do know is his faithfulness.  Despite how hard, how broken and how ugly things can appear.  He is there.  ALWAYS.  He is there and brought us to victory.  I just remember in the ultrasound room for our anatomy scan as soon as she said its a boy I just felt the spirit of God rest on me with peace and that still small voice that said: "This is the promise I gave you so many years ago"  And since then the promise that his hand is on this pregnancy and nothing can take it away from us.  Ezekiel will be born healthy and whole and grow up to be the man of God that He intended from the beginning. 

Our little boy is on his way and despite everything satan has tried to throw at us to end this pregnancy, ruin our happiness and joy we will not let it.  I am blessed.  Despite everything we have gone through in the past couple months.  I am blessed.  He is faithful and always there. 

I think that's kind of all I want to say.  And I will just take things one day at a time.  And when that gets to be too much just one second at a time.  Step by step. 

We've Come So Far

Yesterday I found a journal that I had used to really express my heart back when we had hit almost a year of trying to conceive.  It was just a few months before I started this blog.  There was so much hurt, anger and discouragement there.  I feel it's important for me to look back on this journey and see where I came from. 

I am so incredibly excited and joyful with where I am now but a huge part of where I am now and why I feel so blessed to be here is because of the hardships and trials it took to get here.  I felt so incredibly broken.  I was broken.  My body never did what it was created to do until I was able to get the medical treatment we needed/wanted.

For those of you who have not followed from the beginning here is a link from the very first entry I made:

http://patientlyendure.blogspot.com/2013/08/an-outlet-for-those-trying-to-get.html 

God you have always been faithful.  I read through those blogs, journal entries, pieces of scrap paper I find that I would take and just begin to write on because I needed to get something out before I would explode and I feel so grateful you brought us victory.  I'm not going to say I'm glad or grateful for what we went through and that things worked out the way they did....because even with this wonderful victory we have been given I would never wish that journey on anyone.  But I will say that I know I learned so much during that time.  You brought Isaac and I closer together and that in and of itself during trials like this is something huge.  You let us realize the importance of this and how wonderful your hand on us really is.

You have seen everything from the beginning, and despite how hard it was we know that you are in control yesterday, today and tomorrow.

Now we begin a new Chapter in more ways then just one.  Isaac starts his new job today, which also means our insurance officially kicks in today.  Yay!  I have to admit to looking at the clock all day yesterday and saying to myself multiple times okay just remain unhurt for this many more hours.   Ridiculous I know.  And on top of that today I have officially hit 27 weeks.  We are in trimester three!  It's just so amazing!  So incredibly awesome. 

How are things so far this pregnancy and how are you feeling are questions I get quite a lot.  Well I feel fantastic.  I'm starting to get tired again though.  And I now can't do some of the simplest things I used to be able to do.  For example I can't bend over and get things out of the back of the dishwasher anymore, or paint my toe nails, or even put socks on while standing up.  I can tell this next trimester is going to be a little more challenging then the others.  I'm so self dependent and never like asking for help, but Isaac is always there and always willing/wanting to help if I only ask.  I have only gained 10 pounds so far which is amazing in and of itself especially just with the fact that I have always gained weight so easily.  But I will take it and rejoice with it so hopefully it will fine/not too little when I go in to the Dr next week.  Though I thinned out everywhere else and I feel Ezekiel getting stronger every single day so I know he's growing.  Man how I love watching my belly move with his kicks and flips. 

Another hardship is I work 5 days a week and am on my feet all day, I sit down when I can but we are pretty busy and there is always something that can be done so that doesn't happen often.  But I notice that more and more that I'm on my feet the more often I'm getting Braxton Hicks.  They normally hit more fiercely on my 4th or 5th day working in a  row and it will sometimes be sporadic all day and other times a little too often for me to feel at peace/get comfortable coming every few minutes until I can stop moving.  If I'm able to sit down for an hour and put my feet up and drink water they always go away.  But I definitely don't think I'm going to be able to work full time like this up until my due date...but I'm sure going to try.  I'll just take it one day at a time and see how things come. And of course ask my midwife what she wants/thinks.

So for now here is my 27 week photo....the Third Trimester.  Man that just puts a smile on my face.  I can not believe that in 10 weeks I'll be considered full term and that his due date is in just 13 weeks. 

God Provides!

So Isaac starts a new job on Monday that allows health benefits to begin the employee's start date!  We are so excited, relieved, amazed....you name it!  I guess now I have to call my case worker to let them know that our situation has changed, so I know for sure now the medicaid will be denied.  BUT I need to know if they will use it to pay for the appointment and tests I had done before the health insurance kicked in.  If not then that's okay, at this point I'm so relieved/blessed if they say no and we have to pay for that test then so be it I wont even care because I'm just so relieved that we will have insurance when Ezekiel comes!

So that being said I'll be posting again with an edit on how my session 2 of Hypnobabies goes today.  I'm already having some heart burn so want to try and get rid of that before i zone out.  But excited to see how this goes. 


EDIT TO TALK ABOUT HYPNOBABIES SESSION 2:

Session 2-  So good.  I can't say I got as deep into hypnosis as I did yesterday...but then again I'm not sure.  I remember listening to the words and as they were talking saying wow that's really good...but I couldn't tell you what they were saying.  Which I suppose means it entered my subconscious?  So tomorrow its back to session 1 then session 2 and it alternates together every day till Monday where I will begin the next disk. 

Started My First Session of Hypnobabies

I can't believe I'm here already.  Starting to prepare myself for labor.  Its so exciting!  So for those of you who haven't been following me from the very beginning let me explain that on top of doing a natural birth with midwives I also plan on using hypnosis and breathing to experience as pain free a labor as possible.  So for those of you unfamiliar with hypnobabies here is the gist of it.  It causes your mind through breathing, relaxation, stretches ect; to let go of the "pain" and interpret it as pressure.  We as women were created to give birth.  That was our bodies natural design.  According to scripture we were not made to have painful labor.  In America in particular with movies, stories ect; we have been taught since we are little that labor will be painful...but why?  Why does it have to be?  Our bodies were made to stretch made to flex made to push out this baby.  Uncomfortable...yes but painful why?

So I will be using Hypnobabies in order to try and calm and relax myself during labor and give myself as pain free an experience as possible.  Here is the website where you can learn more:

https://hypnobabies.com

So  today I started my first class session.  I definitely got into a super super relaxed hypnotic state....but to a point where I was forgetting to really breath like i should and felt out of breath/shortness of breath, but then again I get this now during pregnancy in general.  So could have been that so I tried to move and re situate myself into a more comfortable position.  BAD idea if your in a hypnosis state where you aren't supposed to move.  From the top of my head all the way down to my feet I got insane fiery tingles.  So I was trying to catch my breath, cool down and get rid of the pins and needles my bodies asleep feeling all at once.  So I had to count myself back up before the cd was finished.  This happened right at the last 10 minutes.  So I just listened to the rest of the cd with my eyes closed but not exactly zoned out like I should. But that being said I can tell the hypnosis will definitely work on me.....I just have to concentrate on my breathing a little more I guess...didn't help I have an EXTREMELY stuffy nose right now so it made it a little hard to do some of the breathing exercises they wanted.  It's also the very first time I've ever used hypnosis too so either way it was different.  I will see how tomorrow's session goes.  I have to say though when they said to test your eyelids it worked...I couldn't open them.  Very neat indeed.  It was funny though as soon as I got into the deep relaxation little man started kicking like crazy!  It was like he wanted to be involved.

On another note things are really looking up for Isaac.  He heard back that the company he interviewed for on Friday really liked him.  Then He has 4 interviews this week...two on the same day.  So things are looking up.  I think he will have something set by the end of the month.  Though now we are just trying to get in touch with his old company(we had tried to contact them last week and on one responded) on the list of clients they had, since there is a non compete clause we need to make sure he can accept the positions that will be offered.  But what do you do if they don't get back to you?  I can't imagine they would be able to hold that against him.

So we shall see.  Keep him in your prayers for favor and God's blessing.  And for peace for him. 

On another note 26 weeks today.  Only one more week til trimester three.

Seek First His Kingdom

Jesus you see our trials, our frustrations and our aggravations.  Lord you see it all.  I just ask for your peace.  That you would lead and guide us in the path that you would have us to go on.  Lord your word says you make the crooked places straight, you lead us through even the darkest valleys.  You open doors for us That you want open.  I feel somewhat like David in his psalms where he cried out to God for deliverance; and a little like Job where hit after hit after hit comes up against us but through it all, I still feel your underlying Joy.  It seems to put a new understating to: Nehemiah 8:10"....This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength." God that underlying joy:  The thing that nothing can quench shall be my strength.  Its what keeps me from falling into despair.  It's what keeps me from giving into worry.  In Matthew 6: 25-34 you commanded us not to worry.  You commanded us to follow you and to seek after you Lord.  Matthew 6:33 "Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need."  God I ask that you would show us how to make sure we are seeking your kingdom first and foremost.  Show us the way in which we should go.  God I ask for your favor to fall on Isaac as he goes out for these interviews next week.  Bless him.  Provide for him.  Give him favor with the future bosses.  God we want to seek you first.  We want to go after your name and your name alone.  We praise you for that Lord.

While sitting in Church I found that paper that last Sunday I wrote down what the spirit of God was speaking to me:  

I see the future, I see it all.  My peace rests upon you.  I have a plan I have a place I know where I want you to be.  I will open the door for Isaac that I have planned and my provision will continue to rest on you.  I will allow my testing to come.  I will make you stronger.  You two seek first after me then everything else will be added to you.  

Like I said in my entry from a few days ago.  I didn't understand what he meant when he said trials where going to be coming towards us because it seems like everything had been falling into place.  But I will continue to seek after him.  I will continue to trust in Him and rest in his way.  I have no control over this situation so why worry.  Easier said then done at certain times that is for sure.  But where I am weak He is strong.  He has not only our future in his hands but this amazing little man who is coming to join our family in June.  He will not let us down.   

   Matthew 6:25-34“For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?“Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? “And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?“And why are you worried about clothing? Observe how the lilies of the field grow; they do not toil nor do they spin, yet I say to you that not even Solomon in all his glory clothed himself like one of these. “But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which is alive today and tomorrow is thrown into the furnace, will He not much more clothe you? You of little faith! “Do not worry then, saying, ‘What will we eat?’ or ‘What will we drink?’ or ‘What will we wear for clothing?’ “For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. “But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. "So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Stealing My Joy

I feel like satan is trying everything in his power to steal my joy from this pregnancy and life in general.  I am so stressed I just have been breaking down in tears constantly today.

I called today to see about the status of my health care because I was told on this past Monday they had 3 more days on my application,even though they received everything on February 9th and they only get 30 days to process it, so okay whatever 3 days isn't bad.  Well I call today and am told they still have a week and a half,  I was speaking to the same man I spoke to on Monday of this week and he had told me I would hear back by the end of the week.  SO I went back in time?  I kept asking him to look up the date I submitted things and it finally did and said he could see that it was all submitted on 2/9/2015.  Okay....so its been over 30 days right?  He said Well yes but it still shows they have 6 days. He said there isn't anything he could do all he could do was tell my what the computer was saying. So I asked if there was anyone else I could speak to because I had called my caseworker 3 times and her supervisor and had not heard ANYTHING back! He then told me they transferred me to a different caseworker back on 2/17/2015, though On Monday, just 5 days ago I had asked to double check that I was calling the correct case worker and supervisor because I was not getting any response back.  And on Monday I was told I had the same old caseworker......So I asked to be transferred to my actual caseworker and I actually got a live person! And he finally looked at my stuff and said he has about 2600 applications he is working on and currently, because he works in order he was on people who's application had been in for 80 days that I was at the back of the list. So I start bawling on the phone, I was trying to calmly explain my situation through the tears, and it didn't go so well.  I told him that If I have to wait that long I wont have any insurance when the baby comes and my hospital said they can only bill back 3 months.  And already for my thyroid labs I have to get them done every 6 weeks its $300 a piece and they require payment at the time of the draw and the Hospital midwife visits are every 4 weeks now but beginning in April are supposed to be every 2-3.
He was very kind but I could tell he was really wishing I wasn't sobbing into his ear.  So he told me he was going to bump me up to the front of the list and will do my application for my by 2/20/15 but because its been so long he needs my new pay stubs and Isaac's unemployment will count as additional income.  And even though it's not a lot of a big difference I started working more hours and got a small bonus in my paycheck and so forth so it looks like I'm still making more then I was, and even though it isn't a lot, it bumps us up into a new bracket  and he told me we might not get approved. I don't know what to do! Any type of healthcare I get for myself is going to end up costing me so much money a month because I'm pregnant if I can even find someone to accept me in time for the baby to come.  I just can't stop crying.  I don't know what we can afford.  We got the paper work on Cobra health insurance, that we had through Isaac's job but its $1400 a month and we can't afford that obviously I'm trying to remain calm but it's not working very well.
My caseworker was really really nice and sounded like he was going to try his hardest to make sure that all the t's are crossed and all the I's dotted.  And he is going to try to get us approved as well as he can but ultimately it's not up to him.  In total we are a few hundred dollars over what they normally approve after taxes but he said they have to go based on gross which puts us at about $500 a month over what they normally approve so it can go either way. So it made me feel better knowing he cared but at the same time, it's not in his hands if I get approved or not. Its just a matter of if they decide we are over the limit and take into account that I am pregnant.  I know in the end it's just money and if we have to pay cash for Ezekiels birth we can make the hospital payments little by little, even if it is just $50 a month. 

Currently with Isaac's unemployment and my paychecks we pay our bills and have just a few hundred left over for groceries for the month.  So it's actually perfect.  We are getting by without having to worry but if we have to pay for the healthcare out of pocket........I have no idea how we are going to do it.  Most won't want to insure me because I am pregnant.

Isaac had an interview today which went really well and he has three set up for next week.  So this is all really good and promising but at the same time so stressful. 

I know God has laid his hand on this pregnancy and told satan he can no longer attempt to take my baby.  I felt it when we went to the gender ultrasound He spoke to me saying "This is what I promised you so long ago."  Then with my bleeding scare a few weeks ago I felt His peace rest on me again and say I have my hand on Ezekiel nothing is going to happen.  Too many times satan has tried to terminate or hinder this pregnancy in some way.  Causing any stress he can.  And I know that it's because he is scared of what our little boy is going to end up becoming.  He is going to be an amazing man of God and a prophet to the nations.  All those things God promised me so long ago that I have written in my journals from 2005. 

So now that he can't get Ezekiel it's like he has decided to try and steal our joy in as many ways as possible.  And I want to say I wont let him.  I want to say that he can't take anything from me that I don't allow him to have.  And I know it's true.  This past Sunday while I was at Church I was journaling and taking notes on some scriptures and I felt God just speak to me so I wrote it down.  He said that He has proven His provision and that He will continue to provide.  That some hardships and frustrations where down the road but to trust Him and know that He would provide.  I'm trying so hard.  At the time I didn't understand it as we had heard back from the school loan people about possibly lowering Isaac's interest.  Then Isaac has all these interviews everything just seemed to be falling into place which was/is awesome.  But now I understand better.  I made myself sick with worry today.  I had so much trouble keeping a smile on my face and even now I have tears in my eyes and falling down my face.  I know in my heart of hearts that it will all work out and it will be AMAZING how it does work out.  But it's like I'm surrounded by crashing waves and don't know what to do.  I have to protect this little guy.  I don't want anything to steal my joy of his coming or his birth.  But it's so hard and scary to look on the future having no idea what is in store.  I know it's just a fleeting moment and I know after this prayer session I will feel better and be able to move forward.

But here is my determination:

God Brought us here, He finally gave us victory over infertility and is bringing into our lives the beautiful little boy whom we love and have loved even before he has arrived.

This pregnancy is a blessing.  No matter how stressful it has been.  No matter everything I've had to deal with as it is here.  This pregnancy is something to rejoice in every day.  To smile with the little kicks and punches.  To look forward with joy and anticipation the day he arrives not stress and worry.

God has provided in the past and he will continue to provide.  There is no ifs ands or buts about it.  

I will enjoy the birth of my son.  Insurance or no insurance I will not allow the cares and frustrations of money, something that is here today and then gone tomorrow to come in and tear down my joy.

I will not allow this added stress or pressure to affect my marriage.  I am blessed to be married to an amazing man who loves and encourages me in everything that I do.  I am so very blessed that Ezekiel will have a father who strives as hard as he possibly can to  get to a place of provision for his family.  

I am blessed.....that really is all there is to it.  So regardless of the situation and regardless of the circumstances I will stand and believe in God's provision.  I will believe in God's whisper that He gave me on Sunday.  He warned me this storm was coming and I will not let it sink me.

God I can not control my emotions.  I feel at a loss but I feel the determination in my heart.  I feel the determination in my soul that you will provide for us.  You will bless us beyond what we could bear.  We thank you for that Lord.  I thank you  that even now in the midst of the storm I rejoice in your victory to come.  You will succeed.  You will prove that you are bigger than everything that would try and come against us.  I just ask for your wisdom and understanding Father.  In Your Holy name I ask that you would guard my heart for me when I don't know how.  Take away my fear and worry.  Take it all.  I don't want it therefore it has no hold on me.  I thank you Father in Jesus name.  ~Amen.

Good News!

So good news!  Isaac has a lunch meeting with a head hunter tomorrow afternoon and an interview on Friday.  He had a phone assessment today with a company to see if he would qualify for an interview with them and he did.  So all in all that seems pretty promising.  It looks like(knock on wood) in the next few weeks he will have an opportunity for more interviews coming up. 

So for now I guess my biggest thing is wisdom.  If he is getting more than one interview/option I want him to be able to make the best choice for himself and out family.  I know that some of the people he talked to said that it can take a few weeks for the interview process stuff to work out so we aren't expecting a miracle hire by next week but still its a step in the right direction and very encouraging.

So as of me....sleep.  It's all I want.  I just want to be able to sleep.  Lately with my sciatica has made that very hard.  On top of that I've felt so tired to the point of exhaustion and for some reason that makes it really hard for me to go to sleep.  But last night I there was a different reason I couldn't sleep: I woke up sick at 2 am(coming out both ends)  And just all around didn't feel very good.  This unfortunately kept me up for several hours.  It wasn't the flue thankfully:  I'm pretty sure it's what I ate.  I had seafood for one of the first times since getting pregnant just because I really wanted salmon.  I was thinking about it all day and I'm guessing it just didn't quite agree with me.  Poor Ezekiel started kicking like crazy after I was done vomiting my guts out.  I don't think he liked the feeling/sounds very much.  Not much I could do about it though.  Thankfully I felt a lot better in the morning enough to go to work though my stomach still felt a little off.  But I pressed on through.

I also did end up calling the supervisor for my case worker, didn't hear back yet still waiting but tomorrow is the day for my case to be closed.  So I guess it doesn't matter much either way I'll be hearing soon. 

This Day Just took a huge turn

So I would ask you to read my previous entry from this morning to kind of get the full grasp of everything but I'll sum things up here:

This day just took a huge turn.  I woke up this morning really frustrated.  I still haven't heard anything about my insurance going through yet, And I'm trying not to stress but it's hard.  So I called the medicaid office today to find out an update, it was supposed to be processed by Friday, well they are saying she has a few more days before she has to complete the application.  I had called last week to see if she was missing anything and she(my caseworker) never returned my call.  So I asked the guy today what happens if she doesn't complete the application by then.  He wasn't sure he thought I might have to reapply.  But then in the same sentence he said either way I'll know by the end of the week because I'll get something in the mail.  But if I have to reapply that means I have to wait even longer.  I was so incredibly frustrated.  I called and left her another message today along with I got her supervisors phone number so that I can tomorrow if I still haven't heard back yet.  Well just in general I felt very blah.  I have been getting very stressed about Isaac not finding work before the baby comes.  And this is just very frustrated to the point of tears.  Of course my attitude wasn't helped by the fact that I finally finished our taxes this morning, and we owed and that just is so aggravating in general, we found out we were going to owe when I started doing the taxes the same week Isaac got laid off so every week we had put the money aside for it but it just frustrated me anyway. 
So back to how my day took a turn:
Well do you readers remember the elephant ring holder I got from the anonymous gift giver the day Isaac got laid off?  It reminded me that God saw the bigger picture and would know that I needed a pic me up that day.  Well all night I just kept thinking and reminding myself about how God sees the big picture and everything will end up working out ect;  And I kept picturing that ring holder.  It would just pop into my mind and I assumed it was God trying to remind me that He sees and has everything planned for us.
Well this afternoon, after a very frustrating morning I received another package.  This time from Texas-the last one was from Louisiana.  And it was another anonymous gift.  No name just an address.  It is a  Pre packed hospital bag.  It has everything I could possibly need in the hospital for after I give birth.  Of course I will end up packing my own suitcase but I will probably include a lot if not all of this stuff.  It just reminded me that there is a bigger picture than the daily frustrations I can see.

I have no idea who sent this to me.  So if by chance it was one of you readers I want to say thank you so much for listening to the pull and call of God to mail that to me.  I needed that more than you will ever understand!

Edited to add:  This day just got even BETTER!!!! If you remember I had written a letter on the 27th, with Isaac's approval and his supervision to the board of Directors for Isaac's school loans telling them in DETAIL why we will be leaving their company how we were told unless we default on the loans they won't consider us for a lower interest rate ect; and guess what they actually read it! They had someone call Isaac back today and are trying to get our interest rate lowered for us.  God is so good!

Oh and 25 weeks today!

A meshing of the past few days emotions

I feel like today I'm going to be posting kind of a mesh of how I have felt over the past few days.  This morning I woke up really emotional.  I called the medicaid office to see about the status of getting my application approved and was told my case worker still has 3 more days to finish everything.  I asked what happens if they don't finish everything, I was told I may have to re-apply.  I almost started crying.  I had called my caseworker last week to try and get an update but never heard back then I had called again today and left another message.  I hate having my future in someone else hands.  If I have to reapply then they get another 30 days to wait.  I was told that either way by the end of the week I would receive something in the mail either denying me, informing me they don't have everything they need, or approval.  I absolutely hate this. 

Ezekiel is due in just 15 weeks.  That sounds just so incredibly close.  It is incredibly close.  I can feel him getting stronger in the womb every single day and that makes me incredibly happy/blessed.  I spent a few hours yesterday washing, folding and putting away all the baby boy clothes I received from my neighbor for him.  I'm so grateful that I will not have to go out and buy any clothes.  She blessed me way beyond what I could have imagined.  All the clothes barely fit in the dresser. 

Isaac has been getting call after call from head hunter's for jobs which is fantastic, but no interview stuff yet.  We are fine, we can pay our bills and still have some left over for other things, which is more than I could ever ask for but when maternity leave comes we will begin to drain our savings account.  So right now I've been trying to just put as much in there as possible and get things prepared for when that time comes.  I hate the uncertainty.  But I know that God is in control.  Yesterday I was looking for something to try and put my heart at peace and found Psalm 91 helpful:

1Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High

will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.^a

2I will say of the Lord, “He is my refuge and my fortress,

my God, in whom I trust.”

3Surely he will save you

from the fowler’s snare

and from the deadly pestilence.

4He will cover you with his feathers,

and under his wings you will find refuge;

his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

5You will not fear the terror of night,

nor the arrow that flies by day,

6nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,

nor the plague that destroys at midday.

7A thousand may fall at your side,

ten thousand at your right hand,

but it will not come near you.

8You will only observe with your eyes

and see the punishment of the wicked.

9If you say, “The Lord is my refuge,”

and you make the Most High your dwelling,

10no harm will overtake you,

no disaster will come near your tent.

11For he will command his angels concerning you

to guard you in all your ways;

12they will lift you up in their hands,

so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.

13You will tread on the lion and the cobra;

you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

14“Because he^b loves me,” says the Lord, “I will rescue him;

I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.

15He will call on me, and I will answer him;

I will be with him in trouble,

I will deliver him and honor him.

16With long life I will satisfy him

and show him my salvation.”

 As much as I know that God is in control I need to remember that God He is undeniably in control.  There is a difference between knowing it and really letting it live out in you.  I know that nothing can separate us from the love of God.  He sees every worry and every fear.  He sees it all.  I just want my heart to open and believe it with joy. 

Father I feel weighed down today.  I know my circumstances have not changed from yesterday to today but my heart feels heavy.  Maybe I'm just having one of those gloomy pregnancy day's I don't know but I do know that You are bigger.  You always cause things to work out for our benefit.  Lord I just ask that you would guide us.  That you would direct us.  Open doors for Isaac that you want open.  Close doors for us that you want closed.  Jesus I cry out to you.  Help me Lord to seek you first in all things.  In your Holy Name.  ~Amen

The other night I was deliriously tired and it showed.  A little back ground, My sciatica has been getting pretty bad at night.  The heavier he gets the worse it gets.  Depending on whatever side I'm sleeping on he tends to nestle directly on my sciatica and I'll wake up in 1-2 hour sleep intervals and I'll wake up in pain/numb from the hip down have to roll over or get up and walk around/stretch to make it go away. But as soon as Ezekiel would shift It would be fine.  Even with my pregnancy pillow I can have a really hard time finding a comfy spot. So  the other night I was so tired and delirious because I had been wrestling all night with trying to sleep/get comfy. 

Well at one point in time last night in a dead sleep I kicked Isaac so hard that it woke me and him up. He thinks I'm still sleeping so he's trying really hard not to be loud but I hear him holding his leg and saying OOOOOOOW so of course I apologize. I have no idea what I was dreaming about that would make me kick him. I didn't fall off a cliff or anything I was dreaming we were going through his comic book collection. "Don't worry about it sweet heart it's okay." So then just as we are about to nod back off to sleep I unbeknownst to me start singing out loud what I thought was the super man theme song.....I didn't even realize I was doing it till I see Isaac sit up and just stare at me and he's trying to tell if my eyes are open and I'm awake and still singing. I then of course start laughing because I didn't even realize I was singing. So I try to explain that I was falling back asleep and right before I had woken up in my dream we were looking at his comic books so I guess I got the superman theme song stuck in my head. Well he then informed me that was most definitely not the super man theme song and re sang what I was doing...and I yeah I was just basically yelling out a bunch of sounds after each other really loudly(which I remember doing but since I was in my delirious state it sounded so real to me)

Noticing a Pattern

I'm beginning to notice a pattern with my little man.  He seems to be getting onto my schedule and it's pretty amazing.  I heard a lot of the times the babies in the womb will be super quiet during the day while you are walking and moving around and then at night when you are trying to sleep they go crazy.  Well I can agree when I first sit down either on my lunch break or after a long day at work he goes a little insane(and I mean insane is the best possible way).  But for the most part he has seemed to get on my schedule.  I feel kicks at about 8/8:30 in the morning.  Most of the time hard enough to wake me up.  Then once I'm up and moving around he is incredibly active.  Constantly kicking and moving around.  Even while I'm at work and on my feet I'll get kicks throughout the day, though there are of course moments of silence where I assume he is napping.  Then when I come home and sit down he kicks like crazy until it's time for bed.  As soon as I lay down he kicks for only about an additional 15 minutes then just quite for the most of the night.  Of course I'll get a few kicks here and there but most of the time he just rests until I wake up and we start the pattern all over again.  I hope this is a sign that he is going to be a good sleeper when he comes into the outside world.

As of the scare from Monday/Tuesday morning nothing new to report.  Yesterday I felt like by the end of the day I was waddling from where I pulled the muscle.  It felt like I had just lifted a ton of weights I wasn't ready for, ran a marathon and maybe even did an abb workout.  I was just sore everywhere on my right side.  I'm a little sore this morning but not nearly as bad as I was last night.  I work today so hoping it wont be as bad on my feet as it was.  I had never heard of that before but then when I got to work I asked a couple fellow co-workers who had babies and two of them had that happen.  One had to go on bed rest for two days after because the aftermath spasms where so bad.  Thankfully I didn't have to do that the one day I took off seemed to make it so I can function pretty good.  Though lifting anything is a chore, so I'll be passing on that for a little while until I feel completely better.

As of tomorrow Isaac will have been laid off for a month.  It seemed like time has really flown by and still no bites or leads on interviews or work.  And not for lack of trying, he's contacted contacts, sent out so many resume's.  So far we have only been looking in Pittsburgh but now we begin to wonder if we need to expand that search even though neither of us want to.  We love it here.  We love our friends, neighbors.  I love my job, Doctors ect;  Part of me wonders though if this is God's way of trying to show us He has somewhere else for us to be.  So for now we are just praying about it and seeking God's wisdom and favor.  Neither of us want to be anywhere except where God has for us to be.  So I'd ask that you pray for us for wisdom, direction and God to open doors that need to be opened.

For now we will take things one day at a time and cross the bridges that need to be crossed as we come to them.

God we pray for wisdom, direction and your understanding.  We have no idea what the future holds but we know that you are in control.  We ask that you would give Isaac favor and give us direction in where you want us to be.  Lead us in your way.  Guide us in your truth Father.  In Jesus name.~Amen

Two AM Bleeding Scare

A little background before we get into the scary story.  Yesterday I had my 24 week appointment and everything looked great.  Ezekiel actually still seems to be measuring perfect.  Though since we didn't do an ultrasound she couldn't tell me exactly what he was measuring.  But she did use a tape measure to measure the fundal height.  I was measuring 26cm.  Where I should be measuring anywhere between 24-26 and every week from here on out it should jump up one cm....but she said it isn't a direct science so it can give or take a little but that it's perfect and just where it needs to be.  At first when she went to feel and try and find the fundus(top of the womb) the first time she pressed down I felt a sharp pain, but  then the next time she pressed down I didn't feel anything so I just let it go to gas.  So far this pregnancy I've gained about 10 pounds which she said is excellent. And I also did my glucose test and past.  They want you below 139 I was at 109!  So that is awesome.  Another didbit of info you need for the story is that yesterday throughout the day/night I was coughing so much with drainage and flehm that I started dry heaving, coughing up a little throw up and peed my pants(some of the pregnancy things they don't warn you about).

So Now for the Scare:

Consider this your official tmi warning 

 

 Last night I had a huge scare.  Though everything worked out good/okay it was not fun.  A little after 2 am as I was in a deep sleep I woke up and simply rolled over to change positions and got a huge shooting pain down that entire side of the stomach/womb.  The only way I can describe it is it felt almost like I pulled a muscle, but my first thought with how painful it was was that something detached that shouldn't have.  It was only inside the womb/stomach area and on a scale of 1-10 it was at least about a 6.  Once I'm laying on the other side I feel the baby and everything just kind of shift and with it the horrible pain lessened and seemed to move too until it went away from that sharp stinging but I still felt really sore almost like I pulled a muscle or did a really big abb work out the kind you really regret the next day.  But my stomach was even sore/painful to the touch and I couldn't put any pressure on it even from my hand or arm without being uncomfortable. Well it must have woken up Ezekiel because he starts kicking like crazy after that and as I'm trying to doze off he is kicking my bladder and I start feeling a heavy pressure in my cervix area...almost like I need to push but I feel like it could be gas too so with my sore side I get up and waddle to the bathroom and I'm spotting!  So I freak out...first with the pain, the pressure then the first spotting I've had in 8 weeks.  It was just scary.   But I could feel Ezekiel practically doing summer salts in the womb so I could tell he was happy and fine.  And since I had just had my 24 week check up yesterday and they stated everything looked good and right on I was trying to remain calm but they also told me at this point if since my SCH(subcorionic hemorrhage) was gone at my 18 week scan if I ever notice any bleeding or spotting to call them immediately as it can be a sign of something serious or even possibly preterm labor.  So at 2 am I had to call the hospital and ask to speak to the midwife on call then wait for her to call me back.  Which thankfully she called me almost immediately and was so sweet and reassuring about the whole thing.  She asked a bunch of questions got the info from me.   and said she actually doesn't think the two are related.  She thinks I pulled a muscle because It didn't sound like it was a placenta detachment.  And that she thinks the spotting might be either baby jumping on the cervix or from me coughing so hard last night to the point of dry heaving and peeing my pants that it might have irritated the cervix.  But that it's weird the two co-incited within 15 min of each other.  So she wanted me to try and go back to sleep if I could but to keep an eye on it throughout the night and if I started getting any cramps, or leakage to call her back immediately and we would meet up at labor and delivery.  So of course I got no sleep last night.  Every little thing my body did was analyzed.  Thankfully the spotting tapered off and never got to the point it made it to the panty liner on its own or any heavier/darker.  Since then whenever laying down though I've had a lot of pressure on the cervix area so that's kind of making me think it might be baby jumping around and a mix of needing to empty my bowels.  Since I've also pooped 3 times since 2am too.  Which actually confuses me as I've been really regular pooping on my own at least 2x a day.  I didn't even know I had that much more in me to poop out.

My sister is a labor and delivery nurse who delivers both with obgyn's and midwives and she called me early this morning since I had sent her a text at 2 am telling her I was calling my midwife and why and asking her to call me and she asked the same questions and agreed with the midwife that that is what it sounded like.  She encouraged me to just take the day off and rest, drink lots of water, keep my feet up and just see if the spotting comes back or if cramping starts up. 

Ezekiel has been very active since everything last night.  And thankfully I was only scheduled a short day today from 10:30-2 so I called off.  Though I give my boss kudos, because I feel so bad with the way it happened.  Even though I was perfectly calm and collected at the beginning of the conversation and I know everything is okay, and nothing is wrong when I called my boss to tell her I was going to call off for the day and the poor thing ended up having me cry in her ear.  She asked if everything was okay and all the emotions of the scare, all the thoughts that had run through my head the past several hours, the what if's everything just came out in a bundle of tears.  Even though I know everything is fine I just couldn't hold in my emotions.  Which when your crying and telling someone everything is okay your okay, I'm not sure how convincing that is.  But she's so understanding and an awesome person she helped me calm myself down at that moment.  So today shall consist of staying in my pjs keeping my feet up and drinking a ton of water and trying to rest.  I'm hoping I'll be able to get some more sleep soon if not just yet.  I still feel wide awake.  But Ezekiel is making sure that I know he is right here with me. 

 All I could think about last night when I was trying to go back to sleep(which never happened) was if something where to go wrong I don't know what we would do.   I was worried about Ezekiel, I was worried about the now and the future.  The thoughts of I have to work full time right now there is no choice, I can't do bed rest; that my baby needs to be in my womb for at least another 12 weeks ect where constantly running through my head.  Hopefully even longer.  With all the emotions last night and this morning when talking to my midwife, my sister and even Isaac as it was all going on I kept it together so nice and calm but it was like I couldn't keep my mind from trying to go to worse case scenario.  I just kept repeating to myself over and over again as I laid in bed that I am no longer under the curse of the Law that Jesus takes my sickness and my infirmities.  That a full term labor is what God has promised me from the beginning. 

I am pulling back out that book supernatural childbirth.  I had a feeling I needed to pull it out last night and go and proclaim those things over myself again but just kind of shrugged it off....but now I think my Spirit was trying to prepare me for last nights scare. 

That being said I would like to celebrate the fact that I have indeed made it to 24+ weeks so Ezekiel is now viable and able to survive outside the womb!  Though of course that is NOT my desire and I'm not accepting that for us either.  I want my little man to cook as long as possible.  June 22 is his due date and June 22 or around that week is when he will come. 

So here are my belly growth pictures so far: 

 

 

 

 And then As of Yesterday:

When I am weak

When I am weak......He is strong

When I don't know where to go......He leads the way

When I feel lost......He declares I am found

When I am hurting......He is healing

Weak: Right now I have to say I feel a little of all those things.  I feel weak as in I am definitely giving into my emotions, fear and doubt much more than I normally would.  I know in part this is because of the pregnancy hormones.  But I also know that it's the devils job to try and make me feel weak.  To make me feel in superior.  

2 Corinthians 12:9 And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness."  

 His power is perfected in my weakness.  He is constantly molding and shaping me into the woman of God He would desire for me to be.  God I ask that you would help me to remain teachable during this time of my life.  

Unsure where to go: As to not knowing where to go.  For those of you who know me or have gotten to know me through this blog I am a planner.  I always like to have everything planned out worked out and set into a certain order of how things should pan out.  But in this situation we are in that is not an option.  I have no idea what the future holds and all I can do is take things day by day.  And I'll be quite honest I hate that.  Some might find freedom in that.  In really taking on the scripture: 

Mathew 6: 34 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

I'm not going to say I'm a worrier by nature because I normally see the glass as half full.  But it helps that there is normally always a plan B laying in wait beside us in case something doesn't pan out.  But I never knew this would or could happen.  We never saw it coming so I'll be honest there was no plan B with Isaac being out of work.  And part of me kicks myself for taking our situation for granite?  For not thinking of a plan B.  For having all my eggs in one basket.  But I  know there isn't anything I can do about it so onward I go.  Trying my best to press on and make the best out of every rough situation.

Lost:  I think this can coincide with the previous one.  I don't even know what to think anymore.  Is this God's way of telling us that He wants us someplace else?  Is this God's way of trying to change our previous plans?  I think that pretty much sums it up.  But the scripture that can bring me comfort is:  

Psalm 23:2-4 He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.  

Hurting: I think we all know where this comes from.  It comes from the grief I feel over my youngest brother's recent suicide.  My other family members current struggles that I so wish I could help but I can not.  The grief can sometimes feel crippling.  And it can come out of no where.  Every time I used to change my hair color he was always the first person I would text since he always appreciated my artistic style.  So now anytime I do my color it can set off a wave a emotions and grief as I reach for the phone wanting to text him and realizing his number is no longer in there.  I had to delete it since it hurt whenever I scrolled through my contacts and found him there.  Knowing if I text him I will never get an answer.  I know he is no longer hurting.  I know he is no longer in pain.  

I was talking to my Mom about this the other day.  It seemed this type of death was in him since he was very little.  You seem to forget things from your childhood till one day something happens that will bring them back up.  When Nathan and I were very young.  He was maybe just 4 years old we would be playing with his toys but if I wanted to go play outside or go play with my other siblings he would start screaming and crying that he was going to kill himself if I left.  And he would say how he would do it...and it was the way he did it in the end.  I find it so hard to remember that beautiful little 4 year old boy saying those things....and in time you forget they every happened until something brings them all up.  I guess in part it carries a little guilt with it....now I know I'm not responsible.  But did I need to start taking those threats from a little 4 year old seriously back then?  If we did would it have made a difference?  Would he still be here?  In my brokenness and my hurting God is healing. 

Psalm 147:3  "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."

 So for now I will continue to try to take things day by day.  God I have no idea what the future has in store for us.  But I pray that you would open the doors you want open for us and close  those you want closed.  I pray for wisdom when it comes to things such as our work schedules if Isaac hasn't started working and when he does and just being good stewards in general over what you have given us.  I thank you that you are indeed in control of every situation even if I can't see how.  I ask for you help and your favor Lord.  ~Amen