I feel as if I have needed to write this letter for quite a while but have put it off due to the hardship of it.  Many of you know my background when it comes to my relationship with my biological mother.  There is none.  I am 30 years old and in my life I have seen her when I was 5, 13 and 16.  I was taken from her custody when I was around a year and a half/two years old due to drugs and alcohol and suspected abuse.  Throughout my childhood we talked on the phone every couple months.  I remember even during those times that I the conversations where full of blame, manipulation and guilt.  Things like why don't I write her more often.  Why don't I talk my parents into giving me the money to come visit her since she's poor and they aren't.  As I got older the conversation would come only when she was either drunk or high.  She would ask for money, tell blatant lies (that I would know where lies)  or admit to things and have no memory of it our next conversation.  About 10 years ago I had enough.  I drew my boundaries in the sand and said that I would no longer talk to her if she was drunk or high.  That if she wanted a relationship with me that I was indeed here but that it would only take place if and when she was sober.  That has been our rule ever since and for the most part she has respected it though not always.  I normally hear from her maybe once a year, sometimes twice a year.  She will call me when she is doing well and she will call me often.  She will sound so full of life and ready to tackle the world.  The phone calls will come almost every day or every other day then get further and further apart and then the last phone call will always sound/or end the same.  She will slur words make no sense then ask for money(most of the time contradicting what she has said before) .  I will tell her no she will apologize promise to never ask again Sometimes I will get a phone call directly out of rehab or some kind of hospital treatment.   Turn more into me myself giving her money(which I would refuse every time).

I feel I needed to share that back story with you in order for you to understand where I am coming from with the rest of this post.  Recently during the adoption classes they have talked with us about the parents of these children.   How you need to be careful to not speak harshly of the parents or angrily.  Despite what these children have been through they still love them.  They talked of how a lot of them are coming from cycles of abuse themselves so they have done the only thing they actually know how to do.  It was wrong, it was painful but it is all they know.  They were teaching us to show grace to these parents who's lives are now forever changed with the loss of their children from their own actions.  Their dirty laundry is laid out for all the world to see.  Upon taking these classes and hearing those things it is so hard to not have things trigger or remind me of my own past experiences.  It made me realize that I have held onto a lot of bitterness and resentment against her.  I judge her for how she chose to live her life.  It is hard not to be angry.  But this anger does no good.  It doesn't hurt her for I will never tell her; because she would never understand.  So I have been thinking of writing her a letter telling her I forgive her...but I don't want to actually send it to her.  I fell that she would feel it's more of an attack and an accusation against her then what it is meant to be.  She still has never been able to take responsibility for loosing custody of us.  So I choose to write the letter anyway.  Only I will write it here.  I will release her because she is loved.  She is hurt.  And though she will never be a part of my life again past the phone calls once or twice a year I wish no ill will against her.  I choose to love her where she is but to release her at the same time.  I want to let go of the past 100% for in doing so there is healing.  I can't expect or want the children we are bringing into our home to get healing and forgiveness unless I can give it myself.

To the woman who gave me birth,

I guess first I should thank you for the life you gave me.  Having my own son has taught me the true miracle of conception, pregnancy and what it truly is to give birth.  Second I suppose I should also thank you for letting me go.

I could sit here and say you didn't fight for me.  But in truth I think you did the best you could.  Life was against you through your addiction and mentality.  You began a battle against yourself and still have yet to learn how to win.  

I choose to hold nothing against you.  I was raised and loved by a wonderful woman who I have the honor to call Mom.  Though I know that hurts you it has become a huge blessing to myself.  I gained a family.  A true family.  

I know you have been hurt and abused in your past.  I know you still haven't let go or moved on from those things.  I pray you can find peace and find the way to break the cycle of abuse in your own life.  You are worth far more than you allow yourself to be.  

God created you with beauty in mind.  And those moments you call me in your sobriety: its in those moments where you are so full of life.  That I can see the reflection of the woman you could be.  THAT is how He intended you to live every single day.  That is how he intended you to feel.  It is in those moments the memories come back to haunt you and you feel overwhelmed, guilty, sad whatever it is and you give up again.  I won't call you weak.  I won't call you a disappointment.  What I know is you are lost.  And when you get lost you go down that rabbit hole of your own mind not caring who you pull down with you or what consequences will come from it  for all you want is escape.

And I forgive you for that.  I forgive you for using the only defense mechanisms you yourself have ever learned (lying, cheating, stealing manipulating).  I forgive all of it.  I choose to look past those faults and to focus on the beauty that is within.  The beauty that I pray one day will emerge.  

But I stand by the boundaries I laid out before.  I can not allow you into my life as you are.  I will love you and pray for you but from a distance.  If you ever decide to make a permanent change I won't promise that we will be close.  I can't promise that I will ever have a mother daughter relationship with you.  But I do promise that I will encourage you to get even better.  I will be honest with you when your ready about those things that you did to hurt me so that healing can take place.  But I will not do it from a place of anger.   I will not judge you for where you came from or where you are.  But out of love.
I will pray for you.  I will love you.  I forgive you. 

~Your Daughter whom you lost 

Apparently my last post decided to never actually make it here onto the site so I apologize for the seemingly silence that has come your way.  Lately I'm having a bit of emotions I'm just not sure how to process them so what better way then on here.  I have been playing with the idea that once we are in the matching process of  our adoption or maybe once we get to the part where the child/children are in our homes to go back to not trying/not preventing and if God decides to give us another miracle then so be it.  But then that brought me to all sorts of questions on am I really ready for that?  Could I really put myself back out there like that?  What about all the emotions and pain that comes with everything if I where to loose it again.  I begin to compare the numbers:  4 pregnancies 1 child.  The odds seem very stacked against me.

Then just this past week I had a friend send me a picture of a positive pregnancy test sharing that they are expecting.  And it made me wonder even more so how I would feel getting a positive test again.  And I honestly don't know.  I really feel like I would be so afraid of loosing the baby that I wouldn't be willing to even open myself up or admit I was even pregnant until I could feel movement or was at a point of viability.  It's so much to take in and so much to think about.  Then a few days later(today actually) a good friend of mine who I see on a regular basis sent a text that she might be induced in the next week unless she goes into labor on her own.  And the thought of that should be me thinking of how close we are comes unbidden.  I wanted my baby so much.  I still do.  But he/she is gone and I won't ever get them back.  The next couple months are going to be hard for me.  I have three friends I see on a regular basis: One due in August and one in September(they will be holding newborns at the same time I should have) since I was due in October.  And now I have one who is pregnant.  I am so happy for them!  Yet I'm feeling a sense of loss.

I think it is easy for people to forget I'm still dealing with this loss and hurting.  I'm moving forward towards adoption yes....but I'm still grieving my loss.  It's been four months and I still have ptsd thinking about being there in the hospital on my own while my body began pushing out a baby that I wanted so badly to have.  I'm excited for adoption.  I'm ready to pursue and love these children who will be joining our family.  And because of that and when I talk about that I think people might think: "Oh good, she's moved on."  But the truth is you don't move on from this.  You simply pick yourself back up and press on.  You fight every day to make it count.  To give it meaning and a purpose. 

All my losses have taught me how valuable life truly is.  It has taught me the truth that children are indeed a miracle.  And so I want to love those kids who are older who need someone to protect them.

I know it seems like I'm jumping back and forth but I think that is appropriate since my mind seems to be doing that exact thing.  I am  excited as we are getting closer and closer to the home studies and matching process.   It seems like conflicting emotions fight and battle over my heart.  I am happy for my friends, sad for myself yet excited for my family all at the same time.

I suppose to get back to what the very beginning of this post was: I honestly don't know if  I will ever be healed enough where I can be at a place where I want to put myself back out there to try and get pregnant again.  I hope I will.  It's almost like I can look at myself from an outside perspective and see a lot of hurt, anger and distrust.  I do not trust my body to not betray me again if I were to get pregnant.  Therefore I don't even want to give it the opportunity.  I think to myself but this time could be different.  But then I remember I had that conversation before I lost my other babies.  I know this is a lot to take in and a lot to process and I'm having difficulty putting it into words so I wanted to put it here. 

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We will be attending another class on Saturday and after that all we have left to complete is one more class(scheduled for August) and an online certification.  After that is all completed we will be able to move forward with the home studies and then begin the matching process.  We have already gone through all the children's profiles and want to take them all home if we could.  I have a very good outlook I feel like on all this that if the children we decide we want to pursue end up being placed up for adoption before we get to that point them really it is a win win for everyone.  The child has a loving home and another child will get a chance to be loved.  Right now we are just praying for God to direct the hands of the social workers, ourselves and the child social workers to help us make the right match.  We want to be the best parents we can be to whomever is placed with us. 

For now I will fight for those kids who have no one to fight for them.  In doing so I hope my heart can heal and slowly mend together.  Because it isn't about me.  Its about those children.