2016 Is coming to a close. A lot has happened this year, mostly all good things: Went to Louisiana twice. Went to the beach in North Carolina. Visited Isaac's parents a few times. Had an unexpected positive pregnancy test. Even if this did not take I still count it a positive. It was the first time in over 4 years. As of two days ago I started clomid. And last but certainly not least my job change back in October. I'm listing this last so that I can talk about it.
I said I would strive to be honest with my readers. To let you guys see into the inside of my heart and mind. Well I'm not going to lie this transition from working someplace for the last 6 years into starting from scratch has been scary. Making my own name for myself has been one of the scariest things I've done in a really long time. Even with all that fear I knew that it was exactly what I was being called to do. I would have slow moments and jokingly think to myself well I can always go find a job somewhere else that has walk ins if I need to. But even through the joking I would hear almost a resounding NO in my spirit. Knowing this wasn't what I was supposed to do. I would remind myself that I knew I was where I was supposed to be at this moment in my life. And if God called me to start anew He would take care of the rest as long as I was faithful. So I gave it to Him. Every part of my business. He is the one that I will rely on. Money isn't everything of course but when you suddenly don't have what your used to having it can definitely be a scary thing. But when I am in doubt He is faithful. Beginning in the month of December I slowly had people I didn't know calling or messaging me for appointments. They saw all the work I was putting out and wanted to come see me: My Hair Page Next thing I know the little goals I set for myself (3 color clients a week, ect) are being met. Even if it isn't happening till the week before. But everything is falling into place. I'm excited to see it continue to grow. I don't see myself there forever but definitely where I'm supposed to be for now.
As to beginning Clomid, another separate exciting adventure all on it's own. So far (only on day 2) no bad sad effects which is awesome. I feel really hyped up almost like I drank three pots of coffee on my own and have had trouble getting to sleep the last two nights but that could be too that maybe I did in fact drink coffee to late during the day.
It's amazing to me though how different stepping out into this journey this time is compared to last time. Last time I felt like I was slowly dying each month that I didn't get my positive. This time I feel overwhelmingly grateful already for the little miracle that we have and I love him so much I want another one. And knowing how it worked last time I already feel like I assume it will work this time. There isn't a doubt in my mind. I feel it so strongly in fact that I started painting the room that will end up being the new kids room once we have two and deciding how I want to rearrange the crib with a toddler bed. I think though if I am proven wrong in this that a whole new can of worms will open up. But for now I will take this.
So all in all 2016 has been an amazing year to say the least.
Thursday, December 29, 2016
Monday, December 19, 2016
Ezekiel is in down for his nap. Coffee is here in hand. Worship music is on in the background. Now it's time to catch you all up a little on what is going on with me. The feeling of blahness for lack of a better word comes and goes. But mostly gone. I think it helps that I finally told Isaac how I have been feeling. I explained to him how in part I just felt bored. That I wanted was more adult interaction. I wanted to be able to feel like I have a life outside of taking care of Ezekiel and waiting for him to come home. I explained how I feel like I'm slowly disappearing into myself. I told him how I really just didn't feel desirable no matter how I know he feels about me. He listened and was able to encourage me but necessarily with words. He simply has been there for me as I work through this. Extra long hugs when he gets home. Snuggling on the couch as we watch a movie. Things that I feel like I've been missing or that we both took for granted when they where around.
Slowly but surely the feeling has begun to ebb away. I think in part it is getting better because I have been so busy at work. I have actually felt like I've been doing well. I have felt like I've been making a difference. Something I haven't been feeling yet since I quit my old job. I knew it would take time and still will take even more time to get where I want to be in the future. But I know that God is faithful. He led me on this new adventure in life and He will bring me success.
Speaking of new adventures....my period should be starting on Christmas Day or a few days after. Then we shall begin the new journey with the clomid and trying to get pregnant again. I'm not nervous at all. I'm actually not even anxious for it. I feel just very calm, at peace and a sense that this is exactly what we are supposed to be doing. So onward we go. I think no matter what I can't help but look at it from a different angel than before. I already have one miracle. As much as I want another one I know that my heart is full and shall just expand to make room for others.
To each of you readers I wish you a Merry Christmas. I hope you have wonderful holidays. We are really looking forward to Christmas this year since Ezekiel will actually understand what is going on. I will be sure to come on and post pictures of our holiday together.
~~~Until next time~~
Slowly but surely the feeling has begun to ebb away. I think in part it is getting better because I have been so busy at work. I have actually felt like I've been doing well. I have felt like I've been making a difference. Something I haven't been feeling yet since I quit my old job. I knew it would take time and still will take even more time to get where I want to be in the future. But I know that God is faithful. He led me on this new adventure in life and He will bring me success.
Speaking of new adventures....my period should be starting on Christmas Day or a few days after. Then we shall begin the new journey with the clomid and trying to get pregnant again. I'm not nervous at all. I'm actually not even anxious for it. I feel just very calm, at peace and a sense that this is exactly what we are supposed to be doing. So onward we go. I think no matter what I can't help but look at it from a different angel than before. I already have one miracle. As much as I want another one I know that my heart is full and shall just expand to make room for others.
To each of you readers I wish you a Merry Christmas. I hope you have wonderful holidays. We are really looking forward to Christmas this year since Ezekiel will actually understand what is going on. I will be sure to come on and post pictures of our holiday together.
~~~Until next time~~
Friday, December 9, 2016
Pieces of My Mind
Tonight I want to delve into some emotions I've been dealing with for quite some time. I think tonight it is time to get a little raw. It's been a long time since I have allowed myself to really be open with my emotions on here. But to be honest it's not just on here it is with life in general. Because whether I am feeling like my emotions are stupid or wrong they are still there. I think one reason I haven't wanted to open them up and look at them is because in general I am just not wanting to deal with them.
But I'm going to change that. It's time to take the plunge. So where do I even start? Well I guess by just opening up pandora's box that is my mind and let it flow. That being said I'm going to ask you readers to bear with me as I'm sure it's going to seem like this is a tangent and an unbearable ramble but I feel like it will resonate with a lot of women out there hence I want to share this.
Every day is the same: Wake up to the sound of the monitor dragging myself half awake to Ezekiel's room where upon seeing him I can't help but smile. We go downstairs for breakfast. I fix his food put it in front of him to eat as I make myself a cup of coffee. Most of the time I don't eat breakfast with him but sip my coffee and check facebook as he eats. I then proceed to either 1-get ready for the gym and leave immediately upon him finishing breakfast or get ready to run errands or leave the house for something. 2- If it's a rather blustery or nasty day we will take ourselves the living room upon where we play with toys with Netflix on in the background or do laundry/clean house ect; All the while counting down till nap time. Nap time proceeds right after lunch and depending on when Ezekiel woke up for the day can start anywhere from 12-12:30 and normally lasts for 2 hours. In these two hours I cook, clean, answer emails, promote my business ect; as much as I possibly can. Close to the end of the 2 hours I begin to get bored and just wait for Ezekiel to wake up upon when he wakes we get a snack play and dinner then at 5 pm where the count down till Dad gets home begins. Somewhere in there I cook dinner, or at least get it prepped and the countdown till bedtime 7 pm starts.
Where am I going with this? Every single day it is the same. When the weather was nice and it wasn't freezing I was definitely able to put more things into this schedule but it seems like day after day even when I did put other things in there it is all the same. I'm getting to the point where I don't feel like me anymore. I miss my constant adult interaction, a few hours a week is barely cutting it for me. And even more than that I just don't feel beautiful anymore. I don't even feel mildly attractive. I will do my hair, make up and just look at myself and think egh. Now don't get me wrong this isn't me fishing for compliments or anything. I know other people would look at me and think I look nice or even that I am attractive but I just don't feel it. It's not that I feel ugly because that isn't it either. It's like I feel nothing. Part of me thinks is this what depression feels like? But I don't feel depressed. I don't hate life. I have happy moments and love being able to spend the day with Ezekiel and love going to work. But I'm not sure when the not feeling like me started.
If I break my life down it's not that anything in particular has happened to make me feel this way. Okay that's a lie. I've been dealing with emotions from the anniversary of Nathan's death, and just on November 12th we lost my nephew who was only 6 months to a disease. So grief has definitely been rearing it's ugly head and I've decided to try to shut out those emotions. I have also been dealing with anxiety attacks(rare but happening since Nathan's death anniversary) where I think of all the what if's in this big scary world of what could happen to Ezekiel. Maybe all this is part of the problem. But I don't feel desirable anymore. Isaac will tell me I look really good when I'm sitting in sweat pants and a t-shirt the moments I feel ugly but when I try to look nice I don't get any compliments unless I ask. I know he means it: He really thinks I'm beautiful all the time and the moments he tells me when I feel like I don't deserve it he is seeing me as beautiful. But that definitely doesn't help.
I keep going back to that post I wrote in my mind when Ezekiel was first born: Motherhood is sexy
Because I know that he finds me attractive in being a Mom. In being me. In doing what I do every day. I just wish I felt it.
I'm honestly not sure where I am going with this but I just felt like I needed to get it off of my chest. I feel sad yet not sadness at anything in particular. I guess sad that I feel this way because it is ridiculous right? I mean I get to be home with my son every single day which I have always wanted. I get to watch him grow as my husband provides for us. I get to go to work at a job that I love and change peoples lives. I want to say that this is just a phase but I honestly don't see a way out of it. I feel like I'm somewhat surrounded by a cloud. I know the sun rays are getting through but I don't feel them.
Every day I am seeing God's hand work and move in my life. Every day something happens that causes me to be in awe of His provision and goodness. I feel like there is no reason to feel how I feel. Though I still feel I'm a glass half full person. I still feel bubbly. So I really don't know where these feelings are coming from. Especially as it's getting to be more then just a passing fleeting here and there. I guess when it comes down to it with this then I just really have to let go and give it to God. But how do you give something to God that you aren't even sure what it is?
There it is: the pieces of my mind. I am not sure if any of you can or will relate and I hope for clarity in the next few days to put things in order in my mind and maybe make a little more sense of everything. On Sunday Isaac and I have a baby sitter to go out to lunch and I know that will be good for us.
Until next time.....which I'm going to make sooner rather than later.
But I'm going to change that. It's time to take the plunge. So where do I even start? Well I guess by just opening up pandora's box that is my mind and let it flow. That being said I'm going to ask you readers to bear with me as I'm sure it's going to seem like this is a tangent and an unbearable ramble but I feel like it will resonate with a lot of women out there hence I want to share this.
Every day is the same: Wake up to the sound of the monitor dragging myself half awake to Ezekiel's room where upon seeing him I can't help but smile. We go downstairs for breakfast. I fix his food put it in front of him to eat as I make myself a cup of coffee. Most of the time I don't eat breakfast with him but sip my coffee and check facebook as he eats. I then proceed to either 1-get ready for the gym and leave immediately upon him finishing breakfast or get ready to run errands or leave the house for something. 2- If it's a rather blustery or nasty day we will take ourselves the living room upon where we play with toys with Netflix on in the background or do laundry/clean house ect; All the while counting down till nap time. Nap time proceeds right after lunch and depending on when Ezekiel woke up for the day can start anywhere from 12-12:30 and normally lasts for 2 hours. In these two hours I cook, clean, answer emails, promote my business ect; as much as I possibly can. Close to the end of the 2 hours I begin to get bored and just wait for Ezekiel to wake up upon when he wakes we get a snack play and dinner then at 5 pm where the count down till Dad gets home begins. Somewhere in there I cook dinner, or at least get it prepped and the countdown till bedtime 7 pm starts.
Where am I going with this? Every single day it is the same. When the weather was nice and it wasn't freezing I was definitely able to put more things into this schedule but it seems like day after day even when I did put other things in there it is all the same. I'm getting to the point where I don't feel like me anymore. I miss my constant adult interaction, a few hours a week is barely cutting it for me. And even more than that I just don't feel beautiful anymore. I don't even feel mildly attractive. I will do my hair, make up and just look at myself and think egh. Now don't get me wrong this isn't me fishing for compliments or anything. I know other people would look at me and think I look nice or even that I am attractive but I just don't feel it. It's not that I feel ugly because that isn't it either. It's like I feel nothing. Part of me thinks is this what depression feels like? But I don't feel depressed. I don't hate life. I have happy moments and love being able to spend the day with Ezekiel and love going to work. But I'm not sure when the not feeling like me started.
If I break my life down it's not that anything in particular has happened to make me feel this way. Okay that's a lie. I've been dealing with emotions from the anniversary of Nathan's death, and just on November 12th we lost my nephew who was only 6 months to a disease. So grief has definitely been rearing it's ugly head and I've decided to try to shut out those emotions. I have also been dealing with anxiety attacks(rare but happening since Nathan's death anniversary) where I think of all the what if's in this big scary world of what could happen to Ezekiel. Maybe all this is part of the problem. But I don't feel desirable anymore. Isaac will tell me I look really good when I'm sitting in sweat pants and a t-shirt the moments I feel ugly but when I try to look nice I don't get any compliments unless I ask. I know he means it: He really thinks I'm beautiful all the time and the moments he tells me when I feel like I don't deserve it he is seeing me as beautiful. But that definitely doesn't help.
I keep going back to that post I wrote in my mind when Ezekiel was first born: Motherhood is sexy
Because I know that he finds me attractive in being a Mom. In being me. In doing what I do every day. I just wish I felt it.
I'm honestly not sure where I am going with this but I just felt like I needed to get it off of my chest. I feel sad yet not sadness at anything in particular. I guess sad that I feel this way because it is ridiculous right? I mean I get to be home with my son every single day which I have always wanted. I get to watch him grow as my husband provides for us. I get to go to work at a job that I love and change peoples lives. I want to say that this is just a phase but I honestly don't see a way out of it. I feel like I'm somewhat surrounded by a cloud. I know the sun rays are getting through but I don't feel them.
Every day I am seeing God's hand work and move in my life. Every day something happens that causes me to be in awe of His provision and goodness. I feel like there is no reason to feel how I feel. Though I still feel I'm a glass half full person. I still feel bubbly. So I really don't know where these feelings are coming from. Especially as it's getting to be more then just a passing fleeting here and there. I guess when it comes down to it with this then I just really have to let go and give it to God. But how do you give something to God that you aren't even sure what it is?
There it is: the pieces of my mind. I am not sure if any of you can or will relate and I hope for clarity in the next few days to put things in order in my mind and maybe make a little more sense of everything. On Sunday Isaac and I have a baby sitter to go out to lunch and I know that will be good for us.
Until next time.....which I'm going to make sooner rather than later.
Sunday, December 4, 2016
Time to take the plunge
I can't believe it is December. I swear the older you get the faster time seems to go by. We are doing well over here. Ezekiel seems to be growing like a weed. It's so amazing to watch him learn and discover new things. He now goes up and down the stairs on his own(though baby gates are up when we are not supervising this), takes off his pants and thinks it is hilarious, he has learned to give us the dreaded raspberries on the stomach or cheek. He has become quite a picky little eater. Taking a few bites of something then wanting nothing to do with it the next moment making dinner almost buffet style where he gets a little bit of everything.
We have indeed taken the plunge or rather will be taking the plunge to start clomid next cycle. I went and picked up the medication yesterday and to my delight found it was only $9.80! If I'm remembering correctly it was close to $40 every month for the Fremara. I'm excited to start this next chapter. I realized one of the biggest things holding me back was fear. I was afraid to do this because of the change I recently made in my career. Not knowing where we will be financially or what my business will look like. I'm one that likes to plan ahead and when the future seems a little unknown it's a scary thought bringing another child into that. Then I look back on all God has given us so far. How every time we have had a need He has met it above and beyond what we expected.
The scripture Matthew 25:23 keeps coming to mind: "His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things." Isaac and I have made a commitment to tithe out of what we make even if the money seems like something we can't let go of. But the more we let go the busier I get at work, the more our checkbook seems to stretch. I shouldn't be surprised. I have seen this time and time again. God really is a provider for all of his children. He truly pours into us as we need it. We decided to follow God's leading on this and move forward as He leads us. We both have peace that getting pregnant again right now is the direction we should go. So that is what we are doing. We are just going to allow him to open the doors that need to be opened as we do so.
I feel like that is about all I have to share right now though I know I have plenty I could write about time is always a very limited factor now days.
~Until Next Time
We have indeed taken the plunge or rather will be taking the plunge to start clomid next cycle. I went and picked up the medication yesterday and to my delight found it was only $9.80! If I'm remembering correctly it was close to $40 every month for the Fremara. I'm excited to start this next chapter. I realized one of the biggest things holding me back was fear. I was afraid to do this because of the change I recently made in my career. Not knowing where we will be financially or what my business will look like. I'm one that likes to plan ahead and when the future seems a little unknown it's a scary thought bringing another child into that. Then I look back on all God has given us so far. How every time we have had a need He has met it above and beyond what we expected.
The scripture Matthew 25:23 keeps coming to mind: "His master replied, 'Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things." Isaac and I have made a commitment to tithe out of what we make even if the money seems like something we can't let go of. But the more we let go the busier I get at work, the more our checkbook seems to stretch. I shouldn't be surprised. I have seen this time and time again. God really is a provider for all of his children. He truly pours into us as we need it. We decided to follow God's leading on this and move forward as He leads us. We both have peace that getting pregnant again right now is the direction we should go. So that is what we are doing. We are just going to allow him to open the doors that need to be opened as we do so.
I feel like that is about all I have to share right now though I know I have plenty I could write about time is always a very limited factor now days.
~Until Next Time
Wednesday, November 2, 2016
2 Years
This past week has been a whirl wind of emotions. We came once again upon the anniversary of my brothers suicide. I can't believe it has been two years. That truly flew by so fast. I realized over the last two years that time really doesn't heal the pain of loss. But even more than that is that it truly doesn't even numb it. That when those moments come of reliving the loss and emptiness that is left behind it can be just as raw as it was before.
I also came to the conclusion this past week on how I feel in regards to accepting the mantle that was left unfilled by Nathan onto our next child. The answer is no. No I do not want it. I don't want to sit back and be comparing my child's life to Nathan all the time. I don't want to be looking for similarities. Our children deserve their own separate identities completely apart from the pain that was left behind.
So much change has taken place in the past several months sometimes it is hard to look ahead at everything. I look at my job change, where we are now with going forward with fertility medications, Ezekiel getting older. All of it.
"Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you." Deuteronomy 31:8
I feel that every day God is going ahead of us bringing us closer to him and into the direction that He would have us to go. This picture I took of Ezekiel truly made me think of this.
Its a huge huge world but He leads me in the right direction. He guides me in the way He would have me go. He opens doors for me that only He can open. He shuts those only he can shut.
God I truly lay it all down at your feet. I ask for your continued grace, provision and guidance in the way you would have us to go. I ask that you would draw me into your presence Lord in everything. I ask for your continued peace and healing in our lives as we move forward to try and continually seek after you. We praise you for it Lord. ~Amen
I also came to the conclusion this past week on how I feel in regards to accepting the mantle that was left unfilled by Nathan onto our next child. The answer is no. No I do not want it. I don't want to sit back and be comparing my child's life to Nathan all the time. I don't want to be looking for similarities. Our children deserve their own separate identities completely apart from the pain that was left behind.
So much change has taken place in the past several months sometimes it is hard to look ahead at everything. I look at my job change, where we are now with going forward with fertility medications, Ezekiel getting older. All of it.
"Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you." Deuteronomy 31:8
I feel that every day God is going ahead of us bringing us closer to him and into the direction that He would have us to go. This picture I took of Ezekiel truly made me think of this.
Its a huge huge world but He leads me in the right direction. He guides me in the way He would have me go. He opens doors for me that only He can open. He shuts those only he can shut.
God I truly lay it all down at your feet. I ask for your continued grace, provision and guidance in the way you would have us to go. I ask that you would draw me into your presence Lord in everything. I ask for your continued peace and healing in our lives as we move forward to try and continually seek after you. We praise you for it Lord. ~Amen
Wednesday, October 19, 2016
New beginnings x2
Today was a good day. Today I walked out of my new Drs. office feeling like a person not a number. He actually listened to my history, asked questions and proved himself to be very knowledgeable. I also walked out with a script for Clomid in my hands. So I suppose this begins another new chapter. We will wait till December or January to start it just due to traveling next month and sharing a hotel room with family. Not exactly good timing for scheduled sex.
I'm feeling relieved. I didn't expect things to go the way that they did. I honestly was so scared he was going to blow me off but it was just the opposite. For now he gave me 2 months on the lower dose and if I don't get pregnant in those two months he is going to up my dosage little by little till we find what works for us.
This is exciting and nerve wracking at the same time. Exciting because we can have another baby without having to go through all the crazy I went through last time. Never wracking because everything right now is so new. My new job/business that I'm building for myself. That right there is a little stressful. But it doesn't mean that it wont happen. God has proven himself to always provide! I will feed on his faithfulness.
Little man is waking from his nap so I'm afraid I have to cut this short but I do actually have quite a lot to say about the new chapter we just started so I'll be on soon.
I'm feeling relieved. I didn't expect things to go the way that they did. I honestly was so scared he was going to blow me off but it was just the opposite. For now he gave me 2 months on the lower dose and if I don't get pregnant in those two months he is going to up my dosage little by little till we find what works for us.
This is exciting and nerve wracking at the same time. Exciting because we can have another baby without having to go through all the crazy I went through last time. Never wracking because everything right now is so new. My new job/business that I'm building for myself. That right there is a little stressful. But it doesn't mean that it wont happen. God has proven himself to always provide! I will feed on his faithfulness.
Little man is waking from his nap so I'm afraid I have to cut this short but I do actually have quite a lot to say about the new chapter we just started so I'll be on soon.
Wednesday, October 5, 2016
Time For Change
I had said in one of my latest posts that I felt like change was coming but I couldn't quite put a finger on it. Well change has most certainly come. It's not in the form I expected and it to be quite honest is a little scary but I have so much peace it's literally overwhelming. So what is the change?
This change is that I quit my job of 6 years to go a different direction. For those of you who have not followed me from the beginning I am a hair dresser and absolutely love what I do. I have been at the same salon for the past 6 years and have become a manager and trainer for them. I was paid hourly plus tips so not like your typical commission based salon. Lately I had been feeling like it is time to move on. I can't explain why just that there is something better out there for me. Not that I didn't appreciate where I was because that is definitely not it at all but just a calling into a different direction. So I typed up my resume and waited. Over a few months time I had a few opportunities that came along that just didn't add up for me. Let's back track a little for this to make sense: a long time ago God had spoke to my heart I could go to school for whatever I wanted to go for but in the end I would need to lay it down to do what He has called me to do. I didn't really understand what that meant back then, I thought it meant going into ministry or something along that line. No God meant it in the realm of being a Mom. I am to be there for my kids, not put them in daycare. By doing so this is in fact a sacrifice....I'm giving up time and space to grow in the career that I love along with being around adults my own age all day. For anyone who knows me they will tell you I am a huge people person. I love to meet new people and interact with them on a regular basis. So I am lucky enough with my; I guess now I have to call it "old" job to be able to stay at home with Ezekiel during the day and then go to work in the evenings two nights a week and on Saturday. Sorry I know it seems like I'm going backwards but really back to the story. Last week I accepted an offer from a Salon that I'm still kind of blown away by everything. They posted their resume, I applied and within four hours I had a phone interview, the next day a face to face interview then a job offer immediately...It was one of those things where before I sent the application in I prayed Okay God I'm following your leading and you are going to open doors for me to walk through if this is you and if not I ask you would shut the door. So when the owner called me we talked and every single thing that proved the breaking point at other salons I looked at he kept saying: nope, nope doesn't bother me, not a problem ect; So every single reason I gave him being prepared in order for him to say oh sorry that wont work just never happened. So then I went a step further and said things I wanted and it was already what they practiced: I can take as much time off as I want without penalties. If I want to see my family during the holidays I can see my family, no black out dates. Eventually more $$ once I get a full book. I can get certified in a color line and start teaching educational classes with that. The owner has actually done A list Celebrities hair and has so much to teach us it's so many good things that I am super excited about!
Where does this step of Faith come from then? It comes from me starting over. I no longer get paid hourly...a steady income ready to come all the time. Now I must rely on getting clients in to see me and everything is commission based. This will be good for me in the long run but scary until I get clients. So hey if your in the Pittsburgh Area and feel like you need a new style ;-) just let me know. Isaac and I both know this is what I am supposed to do. It was definitely really hard thought to leave my clients and co workers who I have known and loved for the past 6 years.
It will all end up working out though exactly as it should. It always does. God is so incredibly faithful even when we aren't.
So that being said I think I should post some hair pictures...you know in case anyone feels like flying to me for their hair.
This change is that I quit my job of 6 years to go a different direction. For those of you who have not followed me from the beginning I am a hair dresser and absolutely love what I do. I have been at the same salon for the past 6 years and have become a manager and trainer for them. I was paid hourly plus tips so not like your typical commission based salon. Lately I had been feeling like it is time to move on. I can't explain why just that there is something better out there for me. Not that I didn't appreciate where I was because that is definitely not it at all but just a calling into a different direction. So I typed up my resume and waited. Over a few months time I had a few opportunities that came along that just didn't add up for me. Let's back track a little for this to make sense: a long time ago God had spoke to my heart I could go to school for whatever I wanted to go for but in the end I would need to lay it down to do what He has called me to do. I didn't really understand what that meant back then, I thought it meant going into ministry or something along that line. No God meant it in the realm of being a Mom. I am to be there for my kids, not put them in daycare. By doing so this is in fact a sacrifice....I'm giving up time and space to grow in the career that I love along with being around adults my own age all day. For anyone who knows me they will tell you I am a huge people person. I love to meet new people and interact with them on a regular basis. So I am lucky enough with my; I guess now I have to call it "old" job to be able to stay at home with Ezekiel during the day and then go to work in the evenings two nights a week and on Saturday. Sorry I know it seems like I'm going backwards but really back to the story. Last week I accepted an offer from a Salon that I'm still kind of blown away by everything. They posted their resume, I applied and within four hours I had a phone interview, the next day a face to face interview then a job offer immediately...It was one of those things where before I sent the application in I prayed Okay God I'm following your leading and you are going to open doors for me to walk through if this is you and if not I ask you would shut the door. So when the owner called me we talked and every single thing that proved the breaking point at other salons I looked at he kept saying: nope, nope doesn't bother me, not a problem ect; So every single reason I gave him being prepared in order for him to say oh sorry that wont work just never happened. So then I went a step further and said things I wanted and it was already what they practiced: I can take as much time off as I want without penalties. If I want to see my family during the holidays I can see my family, no black out dates. Eventually more $$ once I get a full book. I can get certified in a color line and start teaching educational classes with that. The owner has actually done A list Celebrities hair and has so much to teach us it's so many good things that I am super excited about!
Where does this step of Faith come from then? It comes from me starting over. I no longer get paid hourly...a steady income ready to come all the time. Now I must rely on getting clients in to see me and everything is commission based. This will be good for me in the long run but scary until I get clients. So hey if your in the Pittsburgh Area and feel like you need a new style ;-) just let me know. Isaac and I both know this is what I am supposed to do. It was definitely really hard thought to leave my clients and co workers who I have known and loved for the past 6 years.
It will all end up working out though exactly as it should. It always does. God is so incredibly faithful even when we aren't.
So that being said I think I should post some hair pictures...you know in case anyone feels like flying to me for their hair.
Thursday, September 15, 2016
We have had an insanely busy month this past month. My period came and went so no pregnancy. That however turned out to be a blessing in disguise as I ate something(Blackrasberry icecream) and found out I am allergic to it. Broke out in hives, dealt with a little throat swelling and just overall horrible experience. Had to go on steroids in order to finally clear up and that in and of itself was a nightmare. I hate the way they made me feel. So our trying to get pregnant is on hold now then for a few months since if we were to get pregnant this month we'd have another baby born in June, I'd be flying down to Louisiana pregnant and a lot more de ja vu then I want to have. We wont prevent obviously but I"m going to take a break from the ovulation tests timed sex ect; Play by the old rule if it happens it happens.
Ezekiel is growing like a weed and its amazing to see his character come out. He is the sweetest little boy in the world; he is full of love, hugs and kisses for us. He really just melts my heart. Today I took him to a Play area in a local mall and just watched him run around and play and it struck me that two years ago I really didn't think I would ever be able to be here. I really wondered and questioned if we would in fact get pregnant. Yes I had the promises of God there and I was holding onto those but the doubts plagued me daily. And as I watched him today I was overcome with gratitude. Gratitude that God gave me an amazing son that is running around playing at toys turning around to smile at me and make sure I'm watching. And in that moment I truly realize how blessed I am. Yes I have known, and continue to know every single day but feel even more grateful then before.
I daily want to seek out new adventures with him. Let him explore and discover the world with me by his side to protect him while I can because one day sooner than I'd like he will spread his wings and not need me quite as much. Isaac made a joke the other day on only 15 more years till he can drive and my immediate response was Oh my gosh that's so soon!!! He just laughed at me but that's truly how I feel I feel like it all flies by so fast and that in a blink of an eye it will be gone. So I want to cherish every single moment of it. Cherish every second.
In two weeks we will be flying to visit my best friend and her new little one. I'm both nervous and excited about traveling with Ezekiel by myself. Thankfully he's such a chill baby I really do not foresee any issues but you never know. I'm just hoping with everything being so new he'll want to just stay by me and look around versus run around all over exploring. So we shall see how that goes.
Ezekiel is growing like a weed and its amazing to see his character come out. He is the sweetest little boy in the world; he is full of love, hugs and kisses for us. He really just melts my heart. Today I took him to a Play area in a local mall and just watched him run around and play and it struck me that two years ago I really didn't think I would ever be able to be here. I really wondered and questioned if we would in fact get pregnant. Yes I had the promises of God there and I was holding onto those but the doubts plagued me daily. And as I watched him today I was overcome with gratitude. Gratitude that God gave me an amazing son that is running around playing at toys turning around to smile at me and make sure I'm watching. And in that moment I truly realize how blessed I am. Yes I have known, and continue to know every single day but feel even more grateful then before.
I daily want to seek out new adventures with him. Let him explore and discover the world with me by his side to protect him while I can because one day sooner than I'd like he will spread his wings and not need me quite as much. Isaac made a joke the other day on only 15 more years till he can drive and my immediate response was Oh my gosh that's so soon!!! He just laughed at me but that's truly how I feel I feel like it all flies by so fast and that in a blink of an eye it will be gone. So I want to cherish every single moment of it. Cherish every second.
In two weeks we will be flying to visit my best friend and her new little one. I'm both nervous and excited about traveling with Ezekiel by myself. Thankfully he's such a chill baby I really do not foresee any issues but you never know. I'm just hoping with everything being so new he'll want to just stay by me and look around versus run around all over exploring. So we shall see how that goes.
Thursday, September 1, 2016
Promises
It's been quite a while since I've had time to write. The month of August literally feels like it was nonstop. Let's see what are the highlights of this month?
~Ezekiel is now walking
~He has 9 teeth with a 10th on the way
~I bought tickets to go visit one of my best friends in Oklahoma who had her baby(I will be flying alone with Ezekiel and am a little nervous)
That about sums up August in the "events" category. But when it comes to beyond that I just feel like I'm entering a time of transition. I am not exactly sure what yet. Part of me wonders at it, is excited for it and the other part of me is nervous. Even though I don't know yet what it is I just feel it coming.
I'll be honest as I'm sure a lot of you readers can guess the biggest part of me is hoping its a new little one being added to the family. So far I have a lot of peace when it comes to that but I also feel like its even more than that. Like I feel like God is about to rock our world in a wonderful way but I'm not quite sure how. I can't explain this feeling but its there.
~~~Trigger Warning for all my readers dealing with infertility~~~And It's about to get spiritual~~~
Last month when I was in the process of loosing the pregnancy that we had miraculously obtained I sat back and just looked at everything. I looked at it all not with sadness but amazement. Here I had given up all hope of ever conceiving on my own without medical intervention. And yet even though it did not stay we received a miracle. I then felt, as I often have Not only God's presence but Nathan's. It's been a very long time since I have felt Nathan there with me. God then spoke to my heart saying that Nathan knows the calling that was placed on his life was unfilled and if we should choose to accept it the next child we have can have that mantel/calling placed upon them. If we choose not to accept it God will not withhold his blessing, but if we choose to accept it with that comes responsibilities. I then saw as clear as day a church service from my youth, a guest speaker was there praying over my mother. He told her: "Your youngest son will have the fire of God burning in his eyes. Demons shall quake in fear from the power of the Lord that manifests itself in him....."There was a lot more but that phrase always stuck out to me. I was then reminded when Nathan was just 4 years old He had been talking to my parents about spiritual gifts and what they entail. They got to speaking about the gift of speaking in tongues and Nathan was asking how he could get that gift. He then told my parents he had been seeing demons watching him when he was alone.(This is powerful stuff coming from a 4 year old but for me not surprising since I was little I was very open to that stuff as well and was able to see and understand things adult minds has since grown out of or closed to). They told him all he needed to do was ask and pray and God would protect him, I honestly don't think they even remember him talking to them about that, since I told them what he told me: I went to the bathroom and I was peeing and saw skulls and demons all staring at me so I prayed in tongues and they all went away!!!! He was so excited! He at 4 years old had not only received a spiritual gift his young mind had wanted but he had also expelled fear and demons. That is one very powerful mantel. So if we were to choose to accept this it would be our responsibility to not only raise this child(boy or girl) into a fine young human but at even a young age we will be responsible for them spiritually. Teaching them how to use the gifts that God has given them. How to grow...but also it will be our duty to fight for them spiritually always. This battle will not end. And yes I know we are always supposed to stand up pray and fight for our kids but this is a different battle. For those of you who have ever done true intersession you know what I am talking about it weighs on you, heavy and hard and it would always be there. This is the responsibility that comes with raising this world changer. So I talked to Isaac and wear re still praying about it. Believing we are getting pregnant as we speak but waiting for God to give us the strength and know how of what's to come if we do accept this mantel. In that time that God was speaking all this to my heart I could feel Nathan's blessing there. I know part of me wants to jump up and say yes this is it we will do it simply because it was Nathan's but the other part of me is reserved knowing this really is not a task to be taken lightly. I saw that mantel on that young 4 year old and I saw what happened when he didn't know how to use it or fight it.
God I ask for you to continue to place on Isaac and I's heart the correct way to go with this. I know you have truly given us the choice and with that choice comes sacrifice. I am so honored that you feel we ourselves can do it, I'm sure Nathan helped you with that one. But Lord let us not take this decision lightly. Help us to continue to seek after you in this and to truly understand what that sacrifice means. We praise you for it Lord. ~Amen
Whew yes I know that got really deep but I feel like two things come from that: One God is giving us another child. Two- they will be a world changer
I'm currently about 7 days past ovulation and have the same exact thing happening as happened last time, I started bleeding heavy on and off where when its bleeding its like faucet has been switched on but will all the sudden stop. This started yesterday and today seems to be tapering off. Last time it was 3 days so I'm praying this might be implantation bleeding again. I seem to get that with each of the 3 pregnancies I have. Wow 3 pregnancies and only one baby so far. But I have peace beyond measure that if I get pregnant this time that God's hand will be on it just like He was for Ezekiel. I can't explain it but I just know that he sees us, sees what we are doing and is going to bless us!
~Ezekiel is now walking
~He has 9 teeth with a 10th on the way
~I bought tickets to go visit one of my best friends in Oklahoma who had her baby(I will be flying alone with Ezekiel and am a little nervous)
That about sums up August in the "events" category. But when it comes to beyond that I just feel like I'm entering a time of transition. I am not exactly sure what yet. Part of me wonders at it, is excited for it and the other part of me is nervous. Even though I don't know yet what it is I just feel it coming.
I'll be honest as I'm sure a lot of you readers can guess the biggest part of me is hoping its a new little one being added to the family. So far I have a lot of peace when it comes to that but I also feel like its even more than that. Like I feel like God is about to rock our world in a wonderful way but I'm not quite sure how. I can't explain this feeling but its there.
~~~Trigger Warning for all my readers dealing with infertility~~~And It's about to get spiritual~~~
Last month when I was in the process of loosing the pregnancy that we had miraculously obtained I sat back and just looked at everything. I looked at it all not with sadness but amazement. Here I had given up all hope of ever conceiving on my own without medical intervention. And yet even though it did not stay we received a miracle. I then felt, as I often have Not only God's presence but Nathan's. It's been a very long time since I have felt Nathan there with me. God then spoke to my heart saying that Nathan knows the calling that was placed on his life was unfilled and if we should choose to accept it the next child we have can have that mantel/calling placed upon them. If we choose not to accept it God will not withhold his blessing, but if we choose to accept it with that comes responsibilities. I then saw as clear as day a church service from my youth, a guest speaker was there praying over my mother. He told her: "Your youngest son will have the fire of God burning in his eyes. Demons shall quake in fear from the power of the Lord that manifests itself in him....."There was a lot more but that phrase always stuck out to me. I was then reminded when Nathan was just 4 years old He had been talking to my parents about spiritual gifts and what they entail. They got to speaking about the gift of speaking in tongues and Nathan was asking how he could get that gift. He then told my parents he had been seeing demons watching him when he was alone.(This is powerful stuff coming from a 4 year old but for me not surprising since I was little I was very open to that stuff as well and was able to see and understand things adult minds has since grown out of or closed to). They told him all he needed to do was ask and pray and God would protect him, I honestly don't think they even remember him talking to them about that, since I told them what he told me: I went to the bathroom and I was peeing and saw skulls and demons all staring at me so I prayed in tongues and they all went away!!!! He was so excited! He at 4 years old had not only received a spiritual gift his young mind had wanted but he had also expelled fear and demons. That is one very powerful mantel. So if we were to choose to accept this it would be our responsibility to not only raise this child(boy or girl) into a fine young human but at even a young age we will be responsible for them spiritually. Teaching them how to use the gifts that God has given them. How to grow...but also it will be our duty to fight for them spiritually always. This battle will not end. And yes I know we are always supposed to stand up pray and fight for our kids but this is a different battle. For those of you who have ever done true intersession you know what I am talking about it weighs on you, heavy and hard and it would always be there. This is the responsibility that comes with raising this world changer. So I talked to Isaac and wear re still praying about it. Believing we are getting pregnant as we speak but waiting for God to give us the strength and know how of what's to come if we do accept this mantel. In that time that God was speaking all this to my heart I could feel Nathan's blessing there. I know part of me wants to jump up and say yes this is it we will do it simply because it was Nathan's but the other part of me is reserved knowing this really is not a task to be taken lightly. I saw that mantel on that young 4 year old and I saw what happened when he didn't know how to use it or fight it.
God I ask for you to continue to place on Isaac and I's heart the correct way to go with this. I know you have truly given us the choice and with that choice comes sacrifice. I am so honored that you feel we ourselves can do it, I'm sure Nathan helped you with that one. But Lord let us not take this decision lightly. Help us to continue to seek after you in this and to truly understand what that sacrifice means. We praise you for it Lord. ~Amen
Whew yes I know that got really deep but I feel like two things come from that: One God is giving us another child. Two- they will be a world changer
I'm currently about 7 days past ovulation and have the same exact thing happening as happened last time, I started bleeding heavy on and off where when its bleeding its like faucet has been switched on but will all the sudden stop. This started yesterday and today seems to be tapering off. Last time it was 3 days so I'm praying this might be implantation bleeding again. I seem to get that with each of the 3 pregnancies I have. Wow 3 pregnancies and only one baby so far. But I have peace beyond measure that if I get pregnant this time that God's hand will be on it just like He was for Ezekiel. I can't explain it but I just know that he sees us, sees what we are doing and is going to bless us!
Tuesday, August 9, 2016
Victory within the storm
This morning I woke up to a temperature dip along with heavier spotting to where I can tell that full flow will be starting very soon. So it wasn't a surprise to me when I got the call from the Midwives that my blood work did show pregnancy but that it wasn't looking like it was viable since the numbers where so low: Beta 6.1 and I took another HPT just to see it coincide together and it was negative so everything was working together to definitely confirm what I had a feeling on with the chemical pregnancy.
How am I feeling? To be honest I'm feeling just so grateful that I was able to get pregnant! I feel beyond amazed that we were actually able to get pregnant on our own. But I also feel like part of me expected for me to have a cp. It was two years ago just one week apart we had gotten the positive HPT only to find that the BETA was going down and we had gotten the positive right when getting back from the beach. So it is just all major de ja vu. I did go buy some coq10 in order to help with some egg development maybe we will actually have a shot of getting pregnant again before the appointment in October. Over all we are just so incredibly excited about thing normalizing for us. That's it I wanted to give the update.
How am I feeling? To be honest I'm feeling just so grateful that I was able to get pregnant! I feel beyond amazed that we were actually able to get pregnant on our own. But I also feel like part of me expected for me to have a cp. It was two years ago just one week apart we had gotten the positive HPT only to find that the BETA was going down and we had gotten the positive right when getting back from the beach. So it is just all major de ja vu. I did go buy some coq10 in order to help with some egg development maybe we will actually have a shot of getting pregnant again before the appointment in October. Over all we are just so incredibly excited about thing normalizing for us. That's it I wanted to give the update.
Monday, August 8, 2016
I serve a God of Miracles
I am once again reminded that I serve a God of miracles. Before we left to go on vacation I was talking to my boss telling her about how we scheduled with the Dr in October to try and go on fertility meds. She looked at me and said who knows Devin maybe it will happen before then. I shook my head and said no, no way. I know for sure I need the fertility meds to be able to get pregnant again. For me not to need them it would literally take a miracle. I feel like God heard that and decided to show off a little bit:
Still very light, very early, well not very early I suppose but kind of. I ovulated on July 25th we left for vacation the 29th on July 30th I began spotting, this is normal for me, I normally get AF just 3-4 days past ovulation. So I wasn't surprised when on Sunday the 31st I began my period. But it wasn't normal. I was bleeding just off and on for 3 days. Like it would 100% stop then all the sudden it would pick back up again. My temp never went down so just overall I was very very confused. I told Isaac if this is my period it was only 3 days and that's not normal for me but it's way too early for implantation bleeding. So I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. So I decided to continue enjoying the beech. Continue charting and see what went on. Well my temps never dropped, I began to get nauseous and heartburn....little things that I didn't really think was a big deal. The nausea could be from sinus drainage I have the heartburn from all the junk food I was eating while on vacation because I've been doing so well. Upon coming home I got really nauseous so much so that I ran into the bathroom feeling like I might throw up. But then I though something is weird I'm going to take another test and low and behold a very very faint line showed up. I yelled at Isaac downstairs to get up here that i think I'm making it up. He came upstairs believing it was a practical joke. When he saw it he was beyond amazed. He prayed over us and began crying. He was just so excited.
This morning though I woke up with a little bit of spotting. My temp is still up and the HPT is still positive and even a little darker then yesterday though not by much. I can't say when my period is supposed to start since I normally would have gotten it by now, so I guess tomorrow since I'm 14 days past ovulation today. So I called the midwives to see if I can get a Beta test done asap and to check my progesterone to see if I need to be back on that, just waiting to hear back from them.
Either way this is just such an incredible victory. I was able to get pregnant on my own. And even with the light spotting I must remind myself that I serve a God of miracles if he allowed this to happen then if he wants it to stay it will stay. I can do absolutely nothing to help the situation. So therefor I will surrender it all over to him. He gave us a miracle, something I never thought was possible. I got pregnant on my own. With Ezekiel I bled and I bled a lot so I really have to just surrender to Him.
"God you see our hearts. You see that we are amazed and blessed by your faithfulness. You took my unmeant challenge and decided to show your awesome power. God we surrender the outcome of this pregnancy to you. You are in control of every single part of it. Lord we know that you are good. You are faithful always even when we are not. So Lord we surrender everything over to you. I ask for guidance and wisdom when it comes to this situation. I ask for your blessing and guidance. If you want this child to come into the world so let it be. "Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me." John 14:1 "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God" Philipians 4:6
This is so much easier said than done. God I ask that you would guide my heart and my hands in this Lord. In your holy and matchless name I pray Lord. You gave us this miracle and you alone can sustain it. I know your thoughts are higher than my own, your plans for us better than we could even come up with on our own. So Lord we surrender to you in all things. We give all over to you. I thank you for your wisdom ~Amen.
As I type this the midwives MD called me back she is going to have me go in for a blood work Beta today and if the numbers are showing positive then back in on Wednesday to confirm viability or chemical. So as soon as little guy works from his nap I will be heading out to go get the blood work done. Which I hear him stirring so I'll be back later to finish.
The beach was amazing
Still very light, very early, well not very early I suppose but kind of. I ovulated on July 25th we left for vacation the 29th on July 30th I began spotting, this is normal for me, I normally get AF just 3-4 days past ovulation. So I wasn't surprised when on Sunday the 31st I began my period. But it wasn't normal. I was bleeding just off and on for 3 days. Like it would 100% stop then all the sudden it would pick back up again. My temp never went down so just overall I was very very confused. I told Isaac if this is my period it was only 3 days and that's not normal for me but it's way too early for implantation bleeding. So I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. So I decided to continue enjoying the beech. Continue charting and see what went on. Well my temps never dropped, I began to get nauseous and heartburn....little things that I didn't really think was a big deal. The nausea could be from sinus drainage I have the heartburn from all the junk food I was eating while on vacation because I've been doing so well. Upon coming home I got really nauseous so much so that I ran into the bathroom feeling like I might throw up. But then I though something is weird I'm going to take another test and low and behold a very very faint line showed up. I yelled at Isaac downstairs to get up here that i think I'm making it up. He came upstairs believing it was a practical joke. When he saw it he was beyond amazed. He prayed over us and began crying. He was just so excited.
This morning though I woke up with a little bit of spotting. My temp is still up and the HPT is still positive and even a little darker then yesterday though not by much. I can't say when my period is supposed to start since I normally would have gotten it by now, so I guess tomorrow since I'm 14 days past ovulation today. So I called the midwives to see if I can get a Beta test done asap and to check my progesterone to see if I need to be back on that, just waiting to hear back from them.
Either way this is just such an incredible victory. I was able to get pregnant on my own. And even with the light spotting I must remind myself that I serve a God of miracles if he allowed this to happen then if he wants it to stay it will stay. I can do absolutely nothing to help the situation. So therefor I will surrender it all over to him. He gave us a miracle, something I never thought was possible. I got pregnant on my own. With Ezekiel I bled and I bled a lot so I really have to just surrender to Him.
"God you see our hearts. You see that we are amazed and blessed by your faithfulness. You took my unmeant challenge and decided to show your awesome power. God we surrender the outcome of this pregnancy to you. You are in control of every single part of it. Lord we know that you are good. You are faithful always even when we are not. So Lord we surrender everything over to you. I ask for guidance and wisdom when it comes to this situation. I ask for your blessing and guidance. If you want this child to come into the world so let it be. "Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me." John 14:1 "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God" Philipians 4:6
This is so much easier said than done. God I ask that you would guide my heart and my hands in this Lord. In your holy and matchless name I pray Lord. You gave us this miracle and you alone can sustain it. I know your thoughts are higher than my own, your plans for us better than we could even come up with on our own. So Lord we surrender to you in all things. We give all over to you. I thank you for your wisdom ~Amen.
As I type this the midwives MD called me back she is going to have me go in for a blood work Beta today and if the numbers are showing positive then back in on Wednesday to confirm viability or chemical. So as soon as little guy works from his nap I will be heading out to go get the blood work done. Which I hear him stirring so I'll be back later to finish.
The beach was amazing
Monday, July 18, 2016
I love you mama
I love you mama.....three words I always wanted to hear. And hearing those this morning just made my heart explode. I just can not get over watching this little man grow up. He is growing up to be such an amazing little person! I am just beyond blessed. Every day is a new adventure and I love watching him learn, explore and just become the person God created him to be. Already I can tell he is going to be sweet and sensitive. He just loves to give hugs and kisses. Is so happy to just be near you.
He has started trying to walk this month and is so proud of himself getting those couple steps that he does. And as to talking it just kinda happened. Last week he was sitting at the kitchen table pulling on his bib he looked at me and said he wanted to take the bib off. I looked at him and told him no your still eating so you need to keep it on so he stopped pulling on it and kept eating and I couldn't help myself but stare. My baby just said a full sentence and he knew exactly what it was he was trying to say. He also started using the all done sign language to let us know when he's done eating, much preferred to what he was doing where he would just scream his head off.
We will be heading down to the beach next month and I just can not wait to see him there at the ocean. But even more than that he gets so overjoyed when he is with both Isaac and myself together. It's like he knows that this is how its supposed to be. He is going to love spending a week with us all day. We decided on the drive down to break it up into two days since we have the time off why not take time to really enjoy the journey and relax as much as possible. We can't check into the beach house till 4 anyway so why not make the most of it. I got us a hotel by the beach so if we want to that morning we could take him over to see the ocean for the first time.
Speaking of little boys growing up so fast we also had to switch him to his big boy car seat. He was loving it! I think he liked that it made him sit up more than the other one. He would always arch his back and try and sit up when we put him in the old car seat.
My little man is just growing to fast. 13 months today. Here he is yesterday in his new car seat:
He has started trying to walk this month and is so proud of himself getting those couple steps that he does. And as to talking it just kinda happened. Last week he was sitting at the kitchen table pulling on his bib he looked at me and said he wanted to take the bib off. I looked at him and told him no your still eating so you need to keep it on so he stopped pulling on it and kept eating and I couldn't help myself but stare. My baby just said a full sentence and he knew exactly what it was he was trying to say. He also started using the all done sign language to let us know when he's done eating, much preferred to what he was doing where he would just scream his head off.
We will be heading down to the beach next month and I just can not wait to see him there at the ocean. But even more than that he gets so overjoyed when he is with both Isaac and myself together. It's like he knows that this is how its supposed to be. He is going to love spending a week with us all day. We decided on the drive down to break it up into two days since we have the time off why not take time to really enjoy the journey and relax as much as possible. We can't check into the beach house till 4 anyway so why not make the most of it. I got us a hotel by the beach so if we want to that morning we could take him over to see the ocean for the first time.
Speaking of little boys growing up so fast we also had to switch him to his big boy car seat. He was loving it! I think he liked that it made him sit up more than the other one. He would always arch his back and try and sit up when we put him in the old car seat.
My little man is just growing to fast. 13 months today. Here he is yesterday in his new car seat:
Thursday, June 30, 2016
As Time Draws Near
Only 3 months to go and I will be meeting with the OBGYN in hopes to get the medication I need in order to have another baby. I'm not going to lie it makes me angry to think that this tiny little pill is all that stands between me and another child and there is no way to get it without a script from a DR. It makes me angry, sad and disappointed all together.
I realize now that I actually have an appointment set up that the only thing really standing in the way for me was well of course money; I don't have $600 a month to put towards testing or trying to get pregnant again. But more so there was the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder I seem to have. Just the thought of having to go in get blood work, ultrasounds ect; several times a week makes me come so very close to a panic attack. But the thought of being able to go through it with just blood work and fertility meds makes me so much happier indeed. I really pray that everything ends up working out as it should. But I guess in part some of that prayer needs to be that I really hope I'm okay too with the way God works everything out too.
I keep trying to tell myself that just because he did it for the one person(prescribing the meds without demanding all the extra testing) doesn't mean necessarily that it would be the same for me. There are of course different circumstances for different people.
I am kind of in shock though how I went form no never again to Oh I don't have to do all that then YES!!!! It really was kind of an eye opener for me. Though I'm not going to lie I still am praying/hoping I can get pregnant on my own but even the thought of having hope like that makes me roll my eyes. But one thing it has taught me is to stop planning. Stop trying to schedule my whole lie and just really live in the moment.
That being said as to the beautiful baby boy we have now I am just so stinking blessed. I swear I won the baby lottery. He is so easy to hang out with and make laugh. Rarely fusses thankfully and just overall is so much fun. Exhausting to take care of but so very fun. Isaac is out of town today and for the few days but today was the first day of just us where it was planned and it was honestly awesome. It was so fun to have my beautiful baby boy and not feel rushed to make dinner, clean up ect; all within an hour before bedtime. I decided tonight I would date myself. I put Ezekiel to bed, cooked one of my favorites that Isaac hates(good ole' southern red beans and rice) got myself a bottle of wine and rented pride prejudice and zombies. Overall a very relaxing evening planned. But that being said it makes me wonder why do I rush around as if I have to finish all that stuff. I know Isaac, I know he wouldn't care so why do I fight myself in order to get all this stuff done instead of taking time to enjoy actually being a family together. Isaac and I both notice that on days when Ezekiel is with both of us together(only on Sundays) that he just seems so happy. So shouldn't we strive for that whenever we can? But at the same time I feel Ezekiel needs some one on one time with his Daddy too. He See's him get home from work and he crawls to him as fast as those little legs can take him. When Isaac pics him up he hugs his face and occasionally kisses what part of his cheek isn't covered in beard hair. Overall though I think the general consensus is we are blessed. So blessed and whether we get another baby we will still feel that way. But of course it doesn't take the feelings away.
Heavenly Father we truly give all to you. We ask that you would guide us to be the parents you desire for us to be to Ezekiel and any other children you bring into our lives. We thank you that you will open the doors you want open for us and close those you want closed. Help us Lord to truly let go and truly surrender to you. We thank you Lord that our will isn't what will be done but yours. In your Name we pray. ~Amen
I realize now that I actually have an appointment set up that the only thing really standing in the way for me was well of course money; I don't have $600 a month to put towards testing or trying to get pregnant again. But more so there was the Post Traumatic Stress Disorder I seem to have. Just the thought of having to go in get blood work, ultrasounds ect; several times a week makes me come so very close to a panic attack. But the thought of being able to go through it with just blood work and fertility meds makes me so much happier indeed. I really pray that everything ends up working out as it should. But I guess in part some of that prayer needs to be that I really hope I'm okay too with the way God works everything out too.
I keep trying to tell myself that just because he did it for the one person(prescribing the meds without demanding all the extra testing) doesn't mean necessarily that it would be the same for me. There are of course different circumstances for different people.
I am kind of in shock though how I went form no never again to Oh I don't have to do all that then YES!!!! It really was kind of an eye opener for me. Though I'm not going to lie I still am praying/hoping I can get pregnant on my own but even the thought of having hope like that makes me roll my eyes. But one thing it has taught me is to stop planning. Stop trying to schedule my whole lie and just really live in the moment.
That being said as to the beautiful baby boy we have now I am just so stinking blessed. I swear I won the baby lottery. He is so easy to hang out with and make laugh. Rarely fusses thankfully and just overall is so much fun. Exhausting to take care of but so very fun. Isaac is out of town today and for the few days but today was the first day of just us where it was planned and it was honestly awesome. It was so fun to have my beautiful baby boy and not feel rushed to make dinner, clean up ect; all within an hour before bedtime. I decided tonight I would date myself. I put Ezekiel to bed, cooked one of my favorites that Isaac hates(good ole' southern red beans and rice) got myself a bottle of wine and rented pride prejudice and zombies. Overall a very relaxing evening planned. But that being said it makes me wonder why do I rush around as if I have to finish all that stuff. I know Isaac, I know he wouldn't care so why do I fight myself in order to get all this stuff done instead of taking time to enjoy actually being a family together. Isaac and I both notice that on days when Ezekiel is with both of us together(only on Sundays) that he just seems so happy. So shouldn't we strive for that whenever we can? But at the same time I feel Ezekiel needs some one on one time with his Daddy too. He See's him get home from work and he crawls to him as fast as those little legs can take him. When Isaac pics him up he hugs his face and occasionally kisses what part of his cheek isn't covered in beard hair. Overall though I think the general consensus is we are blessed. So blessed and whether we get another baby we will still feel that way. But of course it doesn't take the feelings away.
Heavenly Father we truly give all to you. We ask that you would guide us to be the parents you desire for us to be to Ezekiel and any other children you bring into our lives. We thank you that you will open the doors you want open for us and close those you want closed. Help us Lord to truly let go and truly surrender to you. We thank you Lord that our will isn't what will be done but yours. In your Name we pray. ~Amen
Monday, June 27, 2016
A Journey Through Motherhood
As I said in my last post I felt a change coming on. I didn't know what change and truth be told I could barely get my words together if I'm going to be honest with myself. But yet that feeling was there deep in the pit of my stomach.
God had begun to convict me recently on trying to plan too much of my life. I would say "Oh in so many years we will adopt then "...." will happen." But that isn't the way the world works and I have begun to see it that way.
I used to have a prayer I would pray over myself every day where I would speak into life believing that God was going to direct me down the path that He so desired me to walk down. That I was going to simply put all faith hope and trust in Him guiding my steps and that I would follow His leading and He would open doors for me to walk through.
So where am I going with this? Well as any of you readers who have been following me from the beginning you can see in my blog I have always said "In so many years we will do this then go to this ect;" But Yet things would then change. Then I would say "Oh well this will work better so we will do this." Just too much planning when it came right down to it. And yes it is good to have a plan. It's smart to have a plan. But sometimes that plan can get in the way of what God is trying to accomplish.
On Saturday I had a client come in who also had to do fertility treatments and actually went to the same practice as me. She started trying to conceive but instead of going back to the RE(Reproductive endocrinologist/fertility specialist) she found a obgyn that is willing to prescribe her the clomid/fremara that I had to take in order to conceive Ezekiel. She said that the only monitoring he requires is blood work. As she's speaking I get this overwhelming feeling of needing to call this Doctor to speak to him and to see him. It's almost too good to be true a obgyn who is actually willing to allow me to do the fertility drugs without all the excessive monitoring. I have heard of it multiple times but yet...maybe its too good to be true. Either way though I will find out. I booked an appointment with him in October (the earliest I can be seen) and will see if this is an option for me. If it is I would like to take it. If it's not then I know that God is officially closing the door to me being pregnant for the time being.
Already my brain has begun spinning on how the appointment might go. I'm praying I walk out of there with a script in my hand enabling me to become pregnant again. At the same time I'm thinking of what it will most likely be; that she was under special circumstances and that it really is too good to be true. All in all I am trying so very hard to trust God and really just follow His leading. But I do have peace about this. I have peace knowing that God's will shall be done. Isaac is very excited about the possibility to have another baby before we adopt. I'm not sure why he wants it in that order and honestly I don't know that he does either.
So where does this bring us? Well it brings us to my final point: I'm sure my more avid followers immediately noticed the change not only in Layout but also my blog title. It was originally "A journey to Motherhood" But I have now changed it to a Journey Through Motherhood. This is exactly where I am. I'm going through motherhood which in and of itself is not without its trials and hardships but is worth every single second. I love my son with all of my heart and can no longer imagine life without him. Now I think on how great it will be when we have even more that we feel that way about. Yes there are some days I count the very minutes before bedtime(today actually is one of those days) But they are all worth it. So here I am. A wanderer, a drifter, a traveler through motherhood. Excited to see what the future has in store; whether through adoption, pregnancy or even something else. I'm trying to let go, give God the reigns and just enjoy the journey.
I'm so glad to have you to follow me through it. And I hope you continue to follow me in a my Journey through motherhood as we find out all the treasures God has in store for us.
God had begun to convict me recently on trying to plan too much of my life. I would say "Oh in so many years we will adopt then "...." will happen." But that isn't the way the world works and I have begun to see it that way.
I used to have a prayer I would pray over myself every day where I would speak into life believing that God was going to direct me down the path that He so desired me to walk down. That I was going to simply put all faith hope and trust in Him guiding my steps and that I would follow His leading and He would open doors for me to walk through.
So where am I going with this? Well as any of you readers who have been following me from the beginning you can see in my blog I have always said "In so many years we will do this then go to this ect;" But Yet things would then change. Then I would say "Oh well this will work better so we will do this." Just too much planning when it came right down to it. And yes it is good to have a plan. It's smart to have a plan. But sometimes that plan can get in the way of what God is trying to accomplish.
On Saturday I had a client come in who also had to do fertility treatments and actually went to the same practice as me. She started trying to conceive but instead of going back to the RE(Reproductive endocrinologist/fertility specialist) she found a obgyn that is willing to prescribe her the clomid/fremara that I had to take in order to conceive Ezekiel. She said that the only monitoring he requires is blood work. As she's speaking I get this overwhelming feeling of needing to call this Doctor to speak to him and to see him. It's almost too good to be true a obgyn who is actually willing to allow me to do the fertility drugs without all the excessive monitoring. I have heard of it multiple times but yet...maybe its too good to be true. Either way though I will find out. I booked an appointment with him in October (the earliest I can be seen) and will see if this is an option for me. If it is I would like to take it. If it's not then I know that God is officially closing the door to me being pregnant for the time being.
Already my brain has begun spinning on how the appointment might go. I'm praying I walk out of there with a script in my hand enabling me to become pregnant again. At the same time I'm thinking of what it will most likely be; that she was under special circumstances and that it really is too good to be true. All in all I am trying so very hard to trust God and really just follow His leading. But I do have peace about this. I have peace knowing that God's will shall be done. Isaac is very excited about the possibility to have another baby before we adopt. I'm not sure why he wants it in that order and honestly I don't know that he does either.
So where does this bring us? Well it brings us to my final point: I'm sure my more avid followers immediately noticed the change not only in Layout but also my blog title. It was originally "A journey to Motherhood" But I have now changed it to a Journey Through Motherhood. This is exactly where I am. I'm going through motherhood which in and of itself is not without its trials and hardships but is worth every single second. I love my son with all of my heart and can no longer imagine life without him. Now I think on how great it will be when we have even more that we feel that way about. Yes there are some days I count the very minutes before bedtime(today actually is one of those days) But they are all worth it. So here I am. A wanderer, a drifter, a traveler through motherhood. Excited to see what the future has in store; whether through adoption, pregnancy or even something else. I'm trying to let go, give God the reigns and just enjoy the journey.
I'm so glad to have you to follow me through it. And I hope you continue to follow me in a my Journey through motherhood as we find out all the treasures God has in store for us.
Sunday, June 19, 2016
He's One Year
My I can't believe how fast time has flown. I looked up yesterday to see Ezekiel standing(yes standing!) by the stairs staring at me! I was blown away by how much of a little boy he looks like and I wanted to immediately put my phone away, turn off the tv and get rid of all distractions and just stare at him as I was afraid the minutes where just going to begin zipping by and next thing I know he'll be walking and talking or going off to college, getting married.......you get the picture. This year felt like it passed by with warp speed.
We are beyond blessed. I can not even begin to comprehend how God brought us to where we currently are. I remember begging and praying to God, believing on faith that I would just be able to conceive and here we finally are. I have a one year old. He babbles and laughs, eats and poops, cries and sleeps. I never want to take any moment I can treasure with him for granite. I want so badly to just hold him so close and pray over him. He sleeps at night and I listen for the monitor to go off just to remind me that he is there. If he cries out for me in the middle of the night(which doesn't happen often) but when it does my heart sores with thankfulness that I have a baby to answer that cry to.
There are too many women I know and even some of you readers I only know through the ciber world who still struggle with infertilitiy. Still struggle every day to put a smile on your face with the dreaded question of: Do you have any kids?
I've begun to get: Will you have any more? over and over again and my answer is always the same: I sure hope so and then I tell them of our struggle with infertility and how once again we are battling with that but that we plan to adopt and have another if possible. It annoys me however that most people know our struggles now and will still ask if we will have any more, but once again I smile and say I sure hope so.
Either way though being a mother has taught me that I can love children of all ages even if they are not mine. I never thought I could feel so strongly about protecting someone as I do now. I know that there is a natural mother instinct that all women feel even before they have children but being a Mom now its like that feeling times 100. Nothing better come between you or your child or their shall be hell to pay. I want protect those that can not protect themselves. Adoption is definitely in the works before we do fertility treatments again, but I am open to one day going back to the fertility doctor if God opens that door for us.
Isaac and I have decided together that not only do we want to protect Ezekiel and any other children we may have but we want to truly be examples to them of who God has called each and every one of us to be. We have begun doing nightly devotionals and praying together just the two of us to help us to grow closer to God.
That being said I would like to share his one year photo along with a few from his birthday party:
I feel like from here on out my entries will not be focused on us conceiving or adopting since that is not in the immediate future but rather on where my heart is with God and the calling he has placed on our lives as we grow as a family in him and eventually in numbers. I haven't decided if I want to change the name of the blog as Journey to Motherhood is still in the works, but I feel it may change very soon so if you happen to come upon the blog and see the layout and title different that will be why.
I feel God tugging me in a different direction, but yet I'm not sure where that leads. I want the people who read this to get something out of it: whether that be encouragement, prayer or even challenges. I feel like over this past year it's become sort of a story board.....not to say that's a bad thing but I feel it is time to go a different direction. So keep your eyes peeled for the change will be coming soon.
~To all my readers who have stayed with me this far I thank you!~
We are beyond blessed. I can not even begin to comprehend how God brought us to where we currently are. I remember begging and praying to God, believing on faith that I would just be able to conceive and here we finally are. I have a one year old. He babbles and laughs, eats and poops, cries and sleeps. I never want to take any moment I can treasure with him for granite. I want so badly to just hold him so close and pray over him. He sleeps at night and I listen for the monitor to go off just to remind me that he is there. If he cries out for me in the middle of the night(which doesn't happen often) but when it does my heart sores with thankfulness that I have a baby to answer that cry to.
There are too many women I know and even some of you readers I only know through the ciber world who still struggle with infertilitiy. Still struggle every day to put a smile on your face with the dreaded question of: Do you have any kids?
I've begun to get: Will you have any more? over and over again and my answer is always the same: I sure hope so and then I tell them of our struggle with infertility and how once again we are battling with that but that we plan to adopt and have another if possible. It annoys me however that most people know our struggles now and will still ask if we will have any more, but once again I smile and say I sure hope so.
Either way though being a mother has taught me that I can love children of all ages even if they are not mine. I never thought I could feel so strongly about protecting someone as I do now. I know that there is a natural mother instinct that all women feel even before they have children but being a Mom now its like that feeling times 100. Nothing better come between you or your child or their shall be hell to pay. I want protect those that can not protect themselves. Adoption is definitely in the works before we do fertility treatments again, but I am open to one day going back to the fertility doctor if God opens that door for us.
Isaac and I have decided together that not only do we want to protect Ezekiel and any other children we may have but we want to truly be examples to them of who God has called each and every one of us to be. We have begun doing nightly devotionals and praying together just the two of us to help us to grow closer to God.
That being said I would like to share his one year photo along with a few from his birthday party:
I feel God tugging me in a different direction, but yet I'm not sure where that leads. I want the people who read this to get something out of it: whether that be encouragement, prayer or even challenges. I feel like over this past year it's become sort of a story board.....not to say that's a bad thing but I feel it is time to go a different direction. So keep your eyes peeled for the change will be coming soon.
~To all my readers who have stayed with me this far I thank you!~
Friday, May 27, 2016
Sorry Readers it has been a long time since I posted and not for lack of time, more for not knowing how to get my thoughts together.
I thought I would be okay not getting pregnant again. I thought I would be fine just adopting. But last month I thought it was possible I was expecting! I had taken a test, though I had started spotting 3 days past ovulation and was only 9 days past ovulation the bleeding went from spotting to heavy to nothing all throughout the day each of those days. It reminded me of when I first found out I was pregnant with Ezekiel. I was so incredibly excited when I saw a second line......but the problem was it wasn't really there. It was one of those lines where you see it but only if you squint turn the test 100 different ways, take a picture edit it ect; All of which I did. So I thought to myself "Okay Devin you know your just seeing an evaporation line. There is no pink this isn't positive test again later." So a few hours later I did just that and stark negative. So I tried to convince myself that maybe its because I drank too much water(mind you all this time I'm still bleeding/a little more than spotting but not super heavy but definitely bleeding). Here I was trying to convince myself that maybe just maybe I was pregnant indeed even though all signs and facts where pointing to no. And just that tiny little glimmer of possibility made me so incredibly happy. So two days later when my temperature dropped and the heavy flow started I knew that it wasn't real. It was all a big fabrication I told myself. But then I had to really think about it. I knew I wasn't at a place where I could get pregnant....my LP was only 3 days long I had started bleeding right after that, all the same issues I had with fertility stuff before. Despite all of this I was devastated. I broke down and cried on my way to work, several times at work and when I got home. It made me re-evaluate things. I said before I don't think Id ever want to do the fertility dr again but now I feel like I would. I would go through all that again. The outcome was worth every single frustration. But I do still want to adopt and I would rather do that first then go after we are in a good routine with that.
But like I should have said before I can't say THIS right here is what I'm doing because you never know what you might want to change or how things will end up. So instead I suppose I should just be praying Father whatever it is you desire to take place in our lives let that happen.
I also can not believe that in just 3 short weeks my little guy will be turning 1!!! Time has just flown by so fast and I know that it will get even faster the older he gets. So right now I'm trying to live in the moment every single day and cherish him. He has begun looking at me constantly while he's playing to make sure I'm watching him and to see how I will respond to whatever it is he is doing. So I am trying to be present for him. Keep my cell phone down or tv off and just enjoy actually being with him in every way that I can. I'm not gonna lie it's not easy and I fail miserably but now that the weather is nice it seems like it is easier to do.
On Sunday we will be getting family photos taken in the park. Nothing fancy, we won't be posing or outfit changes or anything we will be doing a candid photo session where they just take pictures of us being us. And letting Ezekiel be him. I wanted it this way to just capture the sheer joy of being parents. Of letting us love on him as much as possible. So I am very excited about this.
That being said my Mom is flying in for Ezekiel's birthday party, my Dad however wasn't able to get off work. But that is okay, we will have my in-laws, my mom the god parents here with us all weekend so we will also be doing Ezekiel's baby dedication/baptism as well. That being said how can I not leave you with some updated pictures of cuteness. I have a lot more I could write about when I comes to Isaac and I, our dreams, hopes ect; But only so long for nap times so until next time.
11 Months:
I thought I would be okay not getting pregnant again. I thought I would be fine just adopting. But last month I thought it was possible I was expecting! I had taken a test, though I had started spotting 3 days past ovulation and was only 9 days past ovulation the bleeding went from spotting to heavy to nothing all throughout the day each of those days. It reminded me of when I first found out I was pregnant with Ezekiel. I was so incredibly excited when I saw a second line......but the problem was it wasn't really there. It was one of those lines where you see it but only if you squint turn the test 100 different ways, take a picture edit it ect; All of which I did. So I thought to myself "Okay Devin you know your just seeing an evaporation line. There is no pink this isn't positive test again later." So a few hours later I did just that and stark negative. So I tried to convince myself that maybe its because I drank too much water(mind you all this time I'm still bleeding/a little more than spotting but not super heavy but definitely bleeding). Here I was trying to convince myself that maybe just maybe I was pregnant indeed even though all signs and facts where pointing to no. And just that tiny little glimmer of possibility made me so incredibly happy. So two days later when my temperature dropped and the heavy flow started I knew that it wasn't real. It was all a big fabrication I told myself. But then I had to really think about it. I knew I wasn't at a place where I could get pregnant....my LP was only 3 days long I had started bleeding right after that, all the same issues I had with fertility stuff before. Despite all of this I was devastated. I broke down and cried on my way to work, several times at work and when I got home. It made me re-evaluate things. I said before I don't think Id ever want to do the fertility dr again but now I feel like I would. I would go through all that again. The outcome was worth every single frustration. But I do still want to adopt and I would rather do that first then go after we are in a good routine with that.
But like I should have said before I can't say THIS right here is what I'm doing because you never know what you might want to change or how things will end up. So instead I suppose I should just be praying Father whatever it is you desire to take place in our lives let that happen.
I also can not believe that in just 3 short weeks my little guy will be turning 1!!! Time has just flown by so fast and I know that it will get even faster the older he gets. So right now I'm trying to live in the moment every single day and cherish him. He has begun looking at me constantly while he's playing to make sure I'm watching him and to see how I will respond to whatever it is he is doing. So I am trying to be present for him. Keep my cell phone down or tv off and just enjoy actually being with him in every way that I can. I'm not gonna lie it's not easy and I fail miserably but now that the weather is nice it seems like it is easier to do.
On Sunday we will be getting family photos taken in the park. Nothing fancy, we won't be posing or outfit changes or anything we will be doing a candid photo session where they just take pictures of us being us. And letting Ezekiel be him. I wanted it this way to just capture the sheer joy of being parents. Of letting us love on him as much as possible. So I am very excited about this.
That being said my Mom is flying in for Ezekiel's birthday party, my Dad however wasn't able to get off work. But that is okay, we will have my in-laws, my mom the god parents here with us all weekend so we will also be doing Ezekiel's baby dedication/baptism as well. That being said how can I not leave you with some updated pictures of cuteness. I have a lot more I could write about when I comes to Isaac and I, our dreams, hopes ect; But only so long for nap times so until next time.
Tuesday, April 26, 2016
Happy Birthday Little Angel
Yesterday I started writing this blog post but wasn't able to finish. Yesterday our angel baby would have been turning a year old. It's amazing to me that even though we were only pregnant for about 4/5 weeks that I can not get that due date out of my head. The could haves the what ifs coming to mind. Would it have been a boy or girl? Would Ezekiel have an older brother or sister. All these things coming into mind. But then I'm reminded of the beautiful miracle I have upstairs napping in his crib. How I am beyond blessed at my handsome son.
I'll say it again I am beyond blessed. But that being said it doesn't make your heart not feel for the one that didn't make it, especially now knowing how very precious life really is. There is nothing better than being a Mom. It is the best thing I have ever had to do.
Soon it will be Mother's Day and the first Mother's day where I will be a Mom through and through and I can not wait to celebrate it. To celebrate every second of it with lots of hugs and kisses with my family. The cry of my heart truly is that God would help us to raise Ezekiel up into a loving caring child. That he would seek the Lord with all his heart and realize at a young age just how amazing our God truly is. I want to be able to be the best Mom possible that I can be for him.
This week(tomorrow actually) also marks Nathan's birthday. The second one he will not be able to celebrate with us. I know my family, my parents especially, are hurting. And I wish I could give them all huge hugs right now and lots of love.
But Nathan will be having his own little party in heaven. I know my Dad is having a hard time letting go and letting things get easier. He feels guilty when he is happy and enjoying life. He has read every book he can get his hands on about dealing with grief and says he knows it is just part of the grieving process. But I just wish he could let himself experience joy. Let himself experience peace. He doesn't have to torture himself with the I wish I would have done this....... But it's an easier said than done experience. And I know everyone experiences grief differently.
On another brighter note. I can't believe I'm even saying this but I sent out Ezekiel's 1st birthday invitations today! I'm so excited that my Mom and Dad are both flying in for the party. It will be so good to celebrate the life and milestone together.
I decided we are going to do a peach party theme. So it will be fun times and yes I shall post pictures when the time comes.
I'll say it again I am beyond blessed. But that being said it doesn't make your heart not feel for the one that didn't make it, especially now knowing how very precious life really is. There is nothing better than being a Mom. It is the best thing I have ever had to do.
Soon it will be Mother's Day and the first Mother's day where I will be a Mom through and through and I can not wait to celebrate it. To celebrate every second of it with lots of hugs and kisses with my family. The cry of my heart truly is that God would help us to raise Ezekiel up into a loving caring child. That he would seek the Lord with all his heart and realize at a young age just how amazing our God truly is. I want to be able to be the best Mom possible that I can be for him.
This week(tomorrow actually) also marks Nathan's birthday. The second one he will not be able to celebrate with us. I know my family, my parents especially, are hurting. And I wish I could give them all huge hugs right now and lots of love.
But Nathan will be having his own little party in heaven. I know my Dad is having a hard time letting go and letting things get easier. He feels guilty when he is happy and enjoying life. He has read every book he can get his hands on about dealing with grief and says he knows it is just part of the grieving process. But I just wish he could let himself experience joy. Let himself experience peace. He doesn't have to torture himself with the I wish I would have done this....... But it's an easier said than done experience. And I know everyone experiences grief differently.
On another brighter note. I can't believe I'm even saying this but I sent out Ezekiel's 1st birthday invitations today! I'm so excited that my Mom and Dad are both flying in for the party. It will be so good to celebrate the life and milestone together.
I decided we are going to do a peach party theme. So it will be fun times and yes I shall post pictures when the time comes.
Monday, April 11, 2016
The Future
Why do we put so much stock in the future over the present? Why not live every day in the moment? Is it because we are survivors? Trained to every day push harder, be better, make more money, do this do that. The never ending perpetual wheel.
Where am I going with this? Well I feel like my last post I had to just end it abruptly without getting into depth of what is on my heart: both adoption and being pregnant.
So where do I actually stand? Do I actually HAVE to make a choice? The answer is no. I can have both and that is actually what I want. I want to have another baby and I would love to get pregnant right now but that being said if I was forced to make a choice. If I was forced to decide between getting pregnant again or taking in one of those little ones that are already here and need love I would choose the latter. I would adopt. But Isaac and I both feel called to adopt, this will not change. And the more we talk about it the more we know without a doubt this is what we are definitely called to do. But it is scary thinking about doing that and having two babies as well, or at least to him it is. If I had my way my house would already be full of children. Overflowing from the brim.
James 1:27 Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.
Where am I going with this? Well I feel like my last post I had to just end it abruptly without getting into depth of what is on my heart: both adoption and being pregnant.
So where do I actually stand? Do I actually HAVE to make a choice? The answer is no. I can have both and that is actually what I want. I want to have another baby and I would love to get pregnant right now but that being said if I was forced to make a choice. If I was forced to decide between getting pregnant again or taking in one of those little ones that are already here and need love I would choose the latter. I would adopt. But Isaac and I both feel called to adopt, this will not change. And the more we talk about it the more we know without a doubt this is what we are definitely called to do. But it is scary thinking about doing that and having two babies as well, or at least to him it is. If I had my way my house would already be full of children. Overflowing from the brim.
James 1:27 Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.
This this is my heart through and through. No questioning it. I want to love those who feel unlovable even though that is all they are. God had put this feeling just so very strong in my heart and I know there is a reason for this. So why did I get angry at Isaac after our conversation because I wanted his heart to be at the same place and the more we talk the more I'm realizing something. His heart is there but he is afraid. But not in a bad way. He wants to love these children and take them all in the same as myself but what if he doesn't connect, what if they aren't happy with us. Things I don't even think about though I'm sure I should. But I think part of me says it doesn't matter because really all they need is love.
Where does this leave us? The same place we where. We plan on in another year to a year and a half starting the adoption process and expanding our family regardless on if we get pregnant again or not. We will move forward in the way God calls us to.
For now I believe that is all I really have to say but I do hope that brought some clarification on some things. I just want so badly to continue to be a mother and grow our family. Currently I'm trying to pay off as much debt as possible in order to make it easier when the time comes. So we can better provide for the children that will need it so badly and until that day comes I will try to live day by day.
Thursday, April 7, 2016
APRIL is INFERTILITY awareness month- and I have some things I want to share so bare with me as I ramble: For those who struggled with infertility we all know that feeling doesn't just go away when you overcome and finally get your miracle. You can feel sudden and unwelcome jealousy when you see a pregnant person even if your are 100% happy with where you are right now it can just hit you out of the blue. Or unbidden you may get that twinge of annoyance, jealousy or sadness when a friend or family member who doesn't know your struggle or who doesn't share it tells you they are pregnant even though you are so incredibly happy for them so then you deal with with guilt for even feeling jealous, and you have guilt from feeling selfish. But then when you know someone who did struggle with it and you find out they overcame you get so happy for them you begin to cry because you know just how hard it was to overcome that battle yourself. You fight daily with emotions that seem to battle within themselves. You fight with how you think you should feel even though you don't. As an example, and I'm about to get really open here, We said we were never going to try to prevent getting pregnant since it took us 2 years 3 months and one miscarriage (who would have been celebrating their 1st birthday this month) to get pregnant with Ezekiel but then when my lovely cycles returned at just 12 weeks post pardum I was so not ready for another baby and it was such a hard thing to come to terms with I dealt daily with the guilt of wanting to prevent something that I fought so hard to have to begin with. But then as my cycles continued on a month to month basis we discovered my body had gone right back to what it was pre-fertility treatments and I mean EXACT same issues so in order for us to get pregnant again most likely we will have to do fertility treatments again. So then of course comes the emotions of wanting the option to get pregnant even if at the time I wasn't ready for another baby (though now totally ready and welcoming and hoping, even started fertility blend essential oils but will not seek fertility treatments). I was angry at my body sometimes still am depending on the day. If you look at the picture below that speaks of what you tell yourself: I am strong I am worthy, I am beautiful. I am imperfect. I am me, all of those feelings in between are something you fight when you realize your body doesn't work as God intended and its a struggle you have to deal with. Infertility isn't something that just "goes away" even if miraculously you are able to get pregnant again on your own you still deal with the baggage that comes from the war you fought before your miracle arrived, a kind of ptsd in a way. Now no I'm not sharing this to get encouragement, sympathy or anything. We are very blessed and in a very good place right now on our journey and know that God will open the doors for us He wants open and we both feel that regardless we will grow being growing our family through adoption so that is on the horizon for us and an exciting adventure to look towards. I currently have so much peace with where we are and feel that I know if we don't get pregnant again I will be okay because I will still have a house full of children. In fact I shared with Isaac a fear I have is that if we end up getting pregnant he will not want to continue with an adoption as soon as I would like and I'm realizing that I would rather adopt then be pregnant again currently but would want to have started the adoption process first. And that realization is strong. When I told him this he said he believes it would actually be hard for him to want to adopt within the next few years if we have another baby or where to get pregnant now. He told me that I would need to keep pushing him in that direction and I got a little angry. This isn't something anyone should be "pushed into" this is something we are talking about 1.5-2 years down the road you have plenty of time to get your heart right with it if it's something we are doing. It's something he says he feels called to do then I will not be "pushing" anyone. This is something we have talked about doing since before we where even married and something that we have always talked about doing but it's scary as the time draws closer and we are realizing we will be taking the plunge. I feel unsure most days because of this on what I want. I would love to be pregnant again and to have another baby, but I'm not willing to let go of my dream of adoption either. I'm really leaning more towards adopting first before anything else but for now I leave it in God's hands right where it belongs.
In other news we have continued with the fertiltiy blends of essential oils and nothing new to report. Ovulating earlier but still not where I need to be and not a long enough Luteal Phase though its getting better.
But I think I just need some time to really think and pray for Isaac's heart to get on the same page if we do end up conceiving again. I know God already has the perfect children out there for us to love and reach and I can not wait to be able to do so.
I have a lot more I would like to write and talk about but feel like for now I've said enough. I'll be back on soon thoguh.
Saturday, March 19, 2016
His Presence
Why is it so easy to forget the goodness of God except in the midst of trials? Then suddenly you try to constantly remind yourself of all the times God has provided for you before. Doesn't his word say to call on Him while He is near? Isaiah 55:6 "Seek the LORD while he may be found; call on him while he is near." What does this really mean? To call on God while He is near? Isn't he always there? But isn't it in the midst of the trials that we feel He might be furthest away. When the fear the doubt and the anguish begins to take place?
No nothing is happening in my life right now to make me feel this way but Isaac gave me news recently that his job had to do lay offs in a different department and when he told me that my heart had immediately leaped into my throat. I was immediately reminded of when he was laid off before and how much trouble that was. How hard and stressful. Now we have a baby and even more responsibilities. All the what ifs and worries started coming to place and I immediately started praying to God for favor and peace. But why? Why did it take those feelings surfacing to bring on those prayers. Why did it take me becoming anguished and scared in order to seek out the face of God? And I began to do a little soul searching and that seems to be the way of it. I know that God is always there. I have a deep connection with him. But the only time I really take the time to dive deeper one on one into his goodness and presence is when I feel I need peace. But why? If his Peace is so much better when I'm in the midst of trials how much better would resting in the depths of his presence be when I am at peace in life. How amazing my life would be if I had that connection all the time. And I can have it! That is the thing He allows me the opportunity to come to him every single day. Why do I not take advantage? How much easier will those trials be when the time dos come? Oh how I miss just turning on worship music and delving into his presence.
So My goal, my mission is to every day truly delve into His presence more than I already am. To allow myself to just form a deeper connection and relationship with Him. To rest in His presence even when I don't feel like I need sanctuary. Even when life is good because it will just make it that much better.
Just a little food for thought.
No nothing is happening in my life right now to make me feel this way but Isaac gave me news recently that his job had to do lay offs in a different department and when he told me that my heart had immediately leaped into my throat. I was immediately reminded of when he was laid off before and how much trouble that was. How hard and stressful. Now we have a baby and even more responsibilities. All the what ifs and worries started coming to place and I immediately started praying to God for favor and peace. But why? Why did it take those feelings surfacing to bring on those prayers. Why did it take me becoming anguished and scared in order to seek out the face of God? And I began to do a little soul searching and that seems to be the way of it. I know that God is always there. I have a deep connection with him. But the only time I really take the time to dive deeper one on one into his goodness and presence is when I feel I need peace. But why? If his Peace is so much better when I'm in the midst of trials how much better would resting in the depths of his presence be when I am at peace in life. How amazing my life would be if I had that connection all the time. And I can have it! That is the thing He allows me the opportunity to come to him every single day. Why do I not take advantage? How much easier will those trials be when the time dos come? Oh how I miss just turning on worship music and delving into his presence.
So My goal, my mission is to every day truly delve into His presence more than I already am. To allow myself to just form a deeper connection and relationship with Him. To rest in His presence even when I don't feel like I need sanctuary. Even when life is good because it will just make it that much better.
Just a little food for thought.
Monday, March 7, 2016
I feel like it's been a little too long since I've updated but of course first things first:
He is growing up so very fast. Very close to crawling but not quite there yet just very very close. He has also begun pulling himself up on the couch to the standing position and he loves it! He will just start laughing and smiling and getting so very excited!
We are doing well. I started a different regimine of essential oils for hormone balance and after just 28 days of using it things are definitely making a difference. My cycle was 28 days long and my period for two cycles in a row as just 5 days. For those o fyou who have followed my story from the beginning know this is unheard of for me. Normally my periods last anywhere between 9-13 days. The only time they have ever been only 5 days was during the cycles when I was doing fertility treatments. I also ovulated 8 days earlier than I normally do and my luteal phase was ALMOST long enough for conception but not quite. Longer than I've ever had it on my own at least. So I bought 3 months worth of the oils and will continue every day to working toward getting myself at a place where I can conceive.
Regardless of us getting pregnant again or not we would like to move forward with adoption or starting an adoption process within the next 2/3 years. I feel really good and at peace with this and Isaac does as well. I know during this time I have a lot to do. I want to pay off as much debt as possible so we can be even more financially sound for fees and just overall bringing another child into our lives. I want to put aside a nest egg as well so that we are able to still do fun things/vacation wise with a new little one(though we are not planning on adopting an infant. Most likely the child will be older. I want to do research on behavioral things that go along with adopting an older child and just all together I want to be as knowledgeable as possible.
That being said this is my life. I feel so blessed to watch my baby grow and still be able to get out of the house and work and enjoy my career. I wouldn't have it any other way.
He is growing up so very fast. Very close to crawling but not quite there yet just very very close. He has also begun pulling himself up on the couch to the standing position and he loves it! He will just start laughing and smiling and getting so very excited!
We are doing well. I started a different regimine of essential oils for hormone balance and after just 28 days of using it things are definitely making a difference. My cycle was 28 days long and my period for two cycles in a row as just 5 days. For those o fyou who have followed my story from the beginning know this is unheard of for me. Normally my periods last anywhere between 9-13 days. The only time they have ever been only 5 days was during the cycles when I was doing fertility treatments. I also ovulated 8 days earlier than I normally do and my luteal phase was ALMOST long enough for conception but not quite. Longer than I've ever had it on my own at least. So I bought 3 months worth of the oils and will continue every day to working toward getting myself at a place where I can conceive.
Regardless of us getting pregnant again or not we would like to move forward with adoption or starting an adoption process within the next 2/3 years. I feel really good and at peace with this and Isaac does as well. I know during this time I have a lot to do. I want to pay off as much debt as possible so we can be even more financially sound for fees and just overall bringing another child into our lives. I want to put aside a nest egg as well so that we are able to still do fun things/vacation wise with a new little one(though we are not planning on adopting an infant. Most likely the child will be older. I want to do research on behavioral things that go along with adopting an older child and just all together I want to be as knowledgeable as possible.
That being said this is my life. I feel so blessed to watch my baby grow and still be able to get out of the house and work and enjoy my career. I wouldn't have it any other way.
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