Peace

My heart is so much at peace.  Despite how badly I want this and my heart craves this I have so much peace that I know if it doesn't happen I will not be devastated.  Disappointed yes, but not crushed.  I think it helps knowing I'm sitting down with the doctor in a little less than two weeks in order to discuss the next steps if this cycle doesn't work.  So I won't feel like I'm flying blind.  It will be really good to just sit down and talk with the Dr about everything.

Good News On Bloodwork

This is going to be a slightly random and sporadic post:

I went in this morning for more blood work in order to see if I was surging or going to ovulate on my own.  And looks like I am.  So they told me not to trigger since there is no need.  So we will do timed intercourse tonight, tomorrow and Wednesday.

So how am I feeling?  I'm trying to stay positive and know that God is in control.  I just want to completely trust Him.  I want to have a long enough luteal phase.  I'm just gonna believe that God is in control.

I've been running and exercising regularly but after I ovulate I'm going to stop and let myself just take the two weeks off.  I don't want to risk doing anything that could possibly hinder implantation.  I also am trying to cut back on the caffeine but it is so hard!  I have gotten myself to drinking at least 15 ounces of espresso a day along with a cup or two of coffee and I know I can't do that.  So I'm cutting back to half right now and slowly going to make it full.  But man it is so hard. 

My sister bought me an essential oils kit and sent it along with some info on how essential oils can help aid fertility.   Here is the link in case anyone is interested:  http://natural-fertility-info.com/fertility-essential-oils.html

So I don't have all of these but I have been using the ones I have that can help increase fertility , but after ovulation I'll be stopping that too. 

Edit:
So I thought I was out of opks but I dug through my bathroom on the hunt and found a few more wondafos took it and sure enough

Still In The Race

So I went in for my cycle day 12 ultrasound and didn't have any matured follicles yet.  I have a total of 8 semi forming but only two are actually seeming to want to mature.  One measured at 11 ml and one at 12ml.  But I'm not out of the race yet.  I'll be heading back to the Dr's office on Monday and they will run blood work.  I'm assuming to find out if I am surging or to check my estrogen levels and what not.  I guess we will find out. 

I still feel good.  Frustrated but determined.  I just wish I could be pregnant and have that joy  of starting a family sooner rather than later.  I start to ask myself when do I say enough.  But not yet.   I don't want to give up.   I feel so at peace with where we are right now.   And for now I will just follow the peace.  It was one thing to say okay three sessions that's it then adoption, but I really am not there yet.  I want to do whatever I can short of  IVF (not because I do not believe in IVF, but because I would rather use that money towards something I know for sure would get me a family-adoption-verses just a chance.)   I'm not done running this race.  I'm not willing to give up yet.  One step at a time.  Deep breaths.  The slow and steady win the race.

Now  I just need the positivity to get through it. 

Joy In This Journey

I really can not explain the change; all I can do is attribute it to an answer of prayer.  I feel so incredibly excited and happy about this month.  About this whole journey.  About where I am in life.  About it all.  It's as if a veil has been torn from my eyes and I see the world with the beauty that is truly there.  It was so easy to get into the woe is me, poor me, how horrible this is attitude.

But right now I feel like I'm seeing the world through a fresh set of eyes and it is amazing!  It's invigorating.  I don't know what to say.   All I can say is I'm determined to not let this journey ruin who I was or rather who I am or who I want to become.  I am a woman of God.  I am a positive, joyful person.  And I want that joy to radiate through me every day. 

 Proverbs 17:22 
 NIV-A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.

NLT-A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit saps a person's strength.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-22 
Be joyful always; 17 pray continually; 18 give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus. 19 Do not put out the Spirit's fire; 20 do not treat prophecies with contempt. 21 Test everything. Hold on to the good. 22 Avoid every kind of evil. 

Matthew 15:11
It’s not what goes into your mouth that defiles you; you are defiled by the words that come out of your mouth.

Romans 8:28-31
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.  For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.  And those he predestined, he also called;those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified. What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?  


Ephesians 4:31-32
Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. 

Philippians 4:6
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 

Sometimes when those moments grab you and all you want to do is scream at the world and say F- you!  When you see those who don't deserve to be parents with children or you see yet another end to a disappointing month.  In the end it is your actions that will bring on your attitude.  This isn't to say I won't have negative thoughts.  Cause believe me oh I will.  I will still get sad or upset.  But it's what I do during those times that will determine how my mind and body respond.

It reminds me of what James talked about in the Bible (James 3) where a tiny little rudder moves a whole ship, and just a little spark can set a whole forest aflame.  So my words can control my attitude, my mind and how I feel.  If I start thinking how unjust, unfair, angry, bitter ect; ect; that I am then I will begin to feel that way.  How can I find my joy in that?  I can't all I can do is lay it at the alter and continue on.

I don't know what my future has in store.  But I'm excited to find out. 

Lost Along The Way

Somewhere in this journey I got lost.  I started to feel like a victim, and to see myself that way.  I lost a lot of self esteem because I felt broken and incomplete.  I began to take out my frustrations in other ways: mistrust in others, negativity, pessimism, ect;   But this isn't me.  This isn't who I want to be. 

I married my best friend 5 years ago and to this day he is still my best friend, and he is enough.  Everything else that comes along in life is just a bonus.  Ive been so focused on myself during this time: how I feel, how things are hurting or bothering me, how Isaac is always there for me, what comes next, my body, my this my that... I kind of lost sight that I'm not walking this journey alone.  I may be carrying the weight.  But I'm not alone.  My husband needs as much love and support as I do on this stuff.  He is always strong for me but I need to be strong for him.  I need to stop throwing myself little pitty parties and get up and move on.  Am I having a hard time getting pregnant?  Yes, but so what.  I am married to the love of my life and get to come home every day to a happy peaceful place.  I am blessed.  I am so blessed.

Somewhere in this journey of losing myself I feel I lost part of my identity.  I use to always see the positive and immediately correspond any negative even from my own lips with a positive.  Now don't get me wrong I don't want to live naively I know that some negatives are just straight poop with nothing beautiful about them.  But I want to view the world for what it truly is.  God hasn't wiped us off the face of the earth despite how corrupt we have become because there is hope for change.  There is beauty even in the darkest places and I want to see it.

Heavenly Father you have blessed me with more than I could ever ask or think of for myself.  I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful home, all that I need and more.  I thank you for that.  I ask that you would guide me.  Help me to love like you love.  Help me to see all situations as you do through your eyes.  Thank you Lord.  ~Amen

This isn't going to be an easy overnight change.  I'm changing my whole way of thinking and responding.  I've had over 2 years to get myself into this state but I know with His help I can change.  I have the joy of the Lord to guide me every day....even in the darkest times He is there.

But let all who take refuge in you rejoice; let them ever sing for joy, and spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may exult in you. Psalm 5:11

Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD GOD is an everlasting rock. Isaiah 26:4

This God–his way is perfect;the word of the LORD proves true; he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him. Psalm 18:30

I will not allow this journey to steal who I am.  I will learn from it and grow from it.  The Bible warns us what can happen if we don't:

It is better to live in a corner of a roof Than in a house shared with a contentious woman.
 Proverbs 21:9

I never want my house to become like this.   I want only His love going forward.  I see the light at the end of the path.  I just have to get there.   

I Serve A God Of Miracles

I was on my way to work and I heard a testimony come on the radio that just really spoke to me.  I'm going to try and give the shorter but to the point story:  It was a retired soldier who was sent overseas to serve in one of the wars that were taking place.  He was bunk mates with another man from another country who was a Christian and was very open about his love for Christ.  Because of this their general(who was an atheist) would really pick on this other soldier every opportunity he was given.  This particular soldier was unable to drive so the general in front of all the chief of staff wanted to use this opportunity to put down this soldier and show his incompetence.  So he told this young man to get in the hum-v and move it to a certain space while they all watched on.  The young man gets in the hum-v bows his head and prays aloud.  He asked God to give him the strength to do this and to do it correctly.  He started the hum-v and without incident was able to move it exactly where he was asked to move it.  When he got out the general came up to him and said in front of everyone.  I want to serve the God that your serving.  Come here I have something to show you.  He took the young man to the front of the hum-v and lifted the hood.  There was no engine in the car.  God heard the cry and the faith of  this young man and miraculously started the car engine and allowed it to move despite their being no way for it to take place.   

Miracles happen every day.  It's by faith....its stated so many times in the Bible.  That young man knew that the car would start.  He knew that it could be moved and it did move.   When did I lose my childlike faith?  I don't know if I have shared this with any of you readers but almost 10 years ago I used to live overseas as a missionary(it's actually where I met my husband).  During that time I was privileged to witness miracles.   I was able to be an instrument and tool that the Lord used in order to see some of these things take place.  I have seen demon's cast out, tumors disappear miraculously.  I have seen those hurting and broken made whole.  I have seen it time and time again.  But since then in the midst of the fires it slowly chipped away at my faith.  But God never changed....I did.  I know that the God who did miracles in the Bible is still the same God that I serve.  But He had said: 

Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. John 14:12

I want to get back to that childlike faith.  Even since I've been married and and adult I may not have seen the open miracles like I saw when living overseas but I know they exist on a daily basis. 

Now Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.  Hebrews 11:1

So then just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strenghtened in faith as you were taught and overflowing with thankfulness. Colossians 2:6-7

This is one that I feel I have to repeat to myself every day now:

Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong. 1 Corinthians 16:13

He is always faithful.  Time and time again He has provided for us miraculously.  God I want that childlike faith again.  Just like a child jumping off a couch into her daddies arms they know they will be caught and they leap without reservation laughing and giggling the whole time.  I want that with you.  I want to leap without thinking or second guessing.  I want to be a blessing to others with it.  God I want to be a blessing to others.  But I think on top of that I want to be able to believe and leap with faith knowing you will give us the child we were promised.  You will bring Ezekiel into this world.  It will happen.  We will have our family.  We will take in the orphans, the hurting and the broken.

Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world. James 1:27


God at this point right at this moment I don't care when it happens as long as it happens in your timing.  God we are following your leading and walking through the doors you open for us.  I ask that you would guide us completely.  Show us how far we walk down this path before we turn and continue down the other.  God I know that you see the big picture you always have.  You are a God of miracles and there are so many women who are out their who know and believe your word: 


There will be no miscarriages or infertility in your land, and I will give you long, full lives. Exodus 23:26

God that is a pure and undefiled promise for it came from you.  You who are the God of miracles.  You spoke the entire universe into existence.  You know us all by name.  You paint the sunsets every evening.  
"Are not two sparrows sold for a cent? And yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. "But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. "So do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows.  Mathew 10:29-31

God if you take care of all of that, how can I not believe you will give me a child, or not even just one but many! 
Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, So are the children of one's youth. How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them; They will not be ashamed When they speak with their enemies in the gate.  Psalm 127:4-5

No more doubt not more unbelief.  

But having the same spirit of faith, according to what is written, "I BELIEVED, THEREFORE I SPOKE," we also believe, therefore we also speak, knowing that He who raised the Lord Jesus will raise us also with Jesus and will present us with you.…2 Corinthians 4:13-14

He is always the same.  It's when it happens not if it happens.

The same goes for you ladies out there struggling with fertility.  God sees your hearts and He sees your desires.  He is a good God who gives us our hearts desires:

Delight yourself in the LORD; And He will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD, Trust also in Him, and He will do it.  Psalm 34:4-5

This is His promise to us.  It will happen for you ladies.  This is a hard journey.  Something so overwhelming, but no one said that faith was easy.  Actually it is quite the opposite that is why it is faith.  But because of that when the victory comes it is that much sweeter. 

I serve a God of miracles.  And He is bringing my miracle to me.  I know it.  I do not doubt it.  My family is coming.  And I will persevere every day until it is here. 

On to Treatment cycle number 3

So I went in today for my baseline testing for my third treatment cycle.  My period still isn't as heavy as I would like it to be.  I'm hoping it wont be 11 days but maybe more than 3 like last month.  My lining was still thicker than she wants to see at 8 cm and I also still had a follicle left over at 12mm.  So I will be doing Femara but I will do it from cycle day 5 till 9 instead of 3 to 7.  I will still be going back in on cycle day 12 to see the growth and look back over the lining. 

I'm so excited to get back into a treatment cycle.  I know we only missed one but knowing that things will be controlled brings so much peace of mind.  I love it!

God has been placing a lot of things in my heart and on my mind recently.  I will definitely need an entire post to say it all.

Onwards and Upwards

Today I am feeling extremely optimistic.  I called to set up my cycle day 2 appointment for tomorrow morning and on Wednesday we shall begin our third round of the treatment cycles.  I am just praying for double follicles and a sticky little baby. 

They told me if after this third round on Femara I do not get pregnant that they would want me to come in and talk to the Doctor to decide if we will continue on this path or move on to another treatment cycle.  So I went ahead and already scheduled my appointment with her.  I figure we can sit down and talk and decide how long I can stay on the Femara.  And this way we won't have to skip a month before continue on if we don't get pregnant before hand.  They said it isn't required but I think it is a good idea.  I haven't been able to sit down and talk with her since February so I'm happy to do so.  I just would like to continue this path for a bit and see where it goes. 

So the plan is still in December where we will re-evaluate and decide where to go from there.  A lot can happen in those four months.  I just hope that I can keep sane during it all.  As of today I feel really good.  I have less stress at work I love it every second.  Things are looking up. 

On to the next cycle....again

I feel like my emotions have been all over the place lately.  I'm good then I'm not then I am.  Just up and down.

But now it looks like it may be the end to this unmedicated cycle already.  I am only 11 days past ovulation but got a big temperature dip today along with spotting and cramping.  It looks like the red devil is trying so hard to come so I stopped taking the progesterone today.  I am just ready to get this ball rolling if I am not pregnant this month.

I honestly don't know how I feel right now.  I feel a mixture of things.....relief that I will get to start a controlled medicated cycle.  Disappointed that I have to have a medicated cycle to get my body to do what it should.  I don't feel sad, angry or anything just kind of accepting and determined.  I will do what I need to do in order to up my chances this next cycle.  I know God's ways are so much bigger than my own so I just need to keep trusting that He sees it all.  

So many questions running through my mind.  If this doesn't work how many more times till we head towards adoption?  As of now the plan is to do treatments until December and then re-evaluate from there.  Thankfully we hit our out of pocket deductible on our insurance so they are covering the rest until November. 

When I think about adoption now my feelings are kind of all over the place.  We have always wanted to adopt...but now as we are getting so close to heading down that road all these thoughts and questions begin to come to mind.

How will it feel holding a child that is suddenly your own without having the 9 months to bond with it.   I know that it will be that way despite when we adopt but I guess right now the thought kind of scares me.  Will I be able to comfort them when they are so use to hearing and being with someone else?  Either way I will commit to be the best mother I can possibly be to them when that time comes.


So I guess now it's just a matter of a waiting for my period to come then we will be on our way. 

Expectation

I find the thoughts that run through my head right now are setting myself up for disappointment.  I keep thinking when I test at 12 days past ovulation(this upcoming Monday) I will definitely see a positive.  The only reason I keep thinking that is because I got it last month.  But I know just because I was able to get pregnant last month it doesn't mean that it will be the same this month.  I don't want to set myself up for heartbreak.  And I feel that that is the direction I am going.  I can not control any of this and I hate it.  I just wish that I could control it.  I know it's something that never can be controlled as hard as that might be. 

So for now I shall continue to pray and try and keep my expectations low and my emotions under control.  And I will just try and continue to take it one day at a time.

What Does Infertility Look Like To Me?

What does infertility look like to me?

Infertility is avoiding eye contact with visibly showing pregnant women.  Or pretending to be busy when you walk through the baby isle at the store.  Infertility is pretending you don't even see children when you are around them.  Or passing on holding your friends baby when everyone is taking a turn.  Not because you do not like children, or because you are annoyed, or because you never want them for yourself.  But because by looking at them that pain inside feels unbearable.  Already on a daily basis you are reminded of what you do not have and seeing those laughing, smiling, beautiful faces it just tears that little whole in you even bigger.  Infertility is a battle.  One that is fought daily.  It occupies every thought and every waking moment.  You can occupy yourself and you can get busy.  You can feel accomplished and positive and happy but in the end when you wake up the next morning you feel it.  You feel that horrible pain.  That emptiness.

This is my 100th entry on my blog.  We have hit over 2 years of trying to even start this journey and boy it has been so hard.  There have been moments of victory and moments of just pure sadness and desperation.  On this entry I want to dig deep.  I think it is important for me to share the positives that have come out of this horrible struggle.  I will tell you I do not see myself as a victim in anything you are about to read.  I see myself as a survivor and a conqueror.  And I think that is the most important thing. 

Through this journey I have been blessed with an amazing partner, my husband Isaac.  He has held me when I needed to cry.  Stood by me as we made tough decisions.  And rooted me on every step of the way.  When I feel broken He has been there to tell me that he doesn't see someone who is broken.  But he sees a champion.  Someone who is worth fighting for and with in this horrible battle.  I thank God every day for giving me such an amazing husband.  For blessing me with someone who despite where this journey does take us I am honored to spend the rest of my life.

Through this journey I have experience healing.  Both in a physical sense and an emotional one.  To start with the physical: just the fact that since I can remember I have always had long  painful periods(11-14 days) and since doing the treatments it seems like that is falling into place in a "normal fashion".  I've been able to get my thyroid in order, something that I didn't even realize just how much it was effecting my life until it was where it was suppose to be and I felt so much better.

I've been healed emotionally.  I am about to open up here and I want to reiterate I do not see myself as a victim and if it can help others I want to share.  Here is the back story:

When I was a baby(under the age of 3) I was sexually abused while under the care of my biological mother.  It was something that I had blocked out until my younger teenage years it all came pouring back in.  Then and now I now can remember things.  But even as the memories came back I never said anything.  It wasn't until about a year ago that I started experiencing true healing.  I knew I needed to forgive, not just the person who did it but my mother who was in the place as protector.(Back story-My parents divorced when I was very young and my Father received full custody due to the things that took place with my biological mom such as drug abuse, alcoholism and the following.  I have only seen my biological mother 3 times since I was 3 years old and we talk occasionally on the phone every couple months) About a year ago I went back home to visit my parents(My Dad and Step Mom who got married when I was about 4) and I decided that this was going to be a trip of healing.  When I went to my parents(Dad and step Mom) I told them what I remembered and asked if they knew about it.   I was told that they had suspected something had happened and they had put me in "play therapy" since I was so little the therapist had recommended them not telling me about it as I grew older.  That being as I was so young that I may not remember the incident at all but that it was also possible with time it would come back.  And for me that was the case.  I did not remember specifics growing up just certain black/blurry memories that through time had become clearer.  During this journey of infertility God has been able to bring healing to me.  How?  Well that is where it gets a little deeper.   I had blame, hatred and unforgiveness towards my biological Mom for ever letting something like that happen to me when I was suppose to be in her care.  I had fears where I use to be so afraid of having a daughter of my own because I would never want the same thing to happen to her that happened to me.  Despite knowing it is the situations you put your kids in, and knowing I can control those situations the thought of having a daughter scared me beyond belief.  But not anymore.  I have been able to forgive both my biological mother and the offender.  I know if that person was standing in front of me I would be able to say with all my heart that I forgive them.  This is not the same thing as saying I do not wish they suffer the consequences....In fact I wish they were put in jail for the rest of their lives (not out of anger but of discipline)  You don't take something that is so pure and innocent and violate that. It's disgusting and perverted.  That being said such a release comes with forgiveness.  And I want to use my healing to make a difference.  I want to be able to take in all those children who have been rejected and broken and show them unconditional love(adoption).  I know no matter what child we end up having on our own whether boy or girl I will love beyond belief and will keep safe to the best of my ability.  There is such freedom in forgiveness.  

I know this is getting a lot deeper than what you readers are use to but I feel it is important to share.  Through this journey healing of forgiveness was brought fourth.  I was able to forgive, to love and to trust and even hope again.  Healing in this situation has taken place mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Through this time I have grown closer to my heavenly Father.  I have realized that despite everything He is always there and always with me.  He sees the big picture and no matter how much I kick and scream and throw a temper tantrum I know His timing is perfect and far better than my own.

Don't get me wrong I wish this was a struggle I never have had to deal with but I've learned a lot of valuable lessons along the way.  He has proven that He sees me and loves me for who I am.  That He created me perfect.  Even my imperfections are part of what makes me perfect in His eyes.

I have learned to cherish the little things.  And that He will always guide my steps in the right direction.  I am so incredibly grateful for those constant reminders.

So for you readers this is my 100th entry and hopefully I don't have a lot more I have to go before I reach the next chapter on this journey to motherhood. 

But I just pray for His grace and peace to guide me no matter how long the rest of this current chapter takes. 

Optimistic

It's going to be a short post but after yesterday I wanted to share how I feel today: today I feel fairly optimistic.  The spotting stopped and thankfully was never super heavy to begin with but with the cramping it really made me think my period was trying to come. 

So now to move on into the two week wait.  I have to say this  progesterone is making me so tired.   I'm excited to see what the next few day's bring. 

Not again!

I just started spotting today!  I had been having cramps off and on yesterday and today and today I went to the bathroom and I was spotting even with a few little clots.  I'm only 3 days past ovulation!  This is the same thing that happened before I went on the medicated cycles.

Before I normally wouldn't ovulate till really late in the cycle(cycle day 28ish) then would get my period just 3-5 days after.  I thought maybe that was because I was ovulating so late it would start as breakthrough bleeding and then go into full flow from there but now I'm not so sure.

I was so excited that I finally ovulated when I needed to but now it feels like all hope for this entire cycle is gone.  Even if the spotting doesn't come back, which I wont be holding my breathe, I doubt I have a chance at getting pregnant this month.  I just want to be able to keep my hormones as together as I possibly can.  I will continue to take the progesterone until 12 days past ovulation and then let AF come if it's going to.  I just hope I don't have to go back on birth control again. 

I'm just trying to take a deep breath and keep a smile on my face right now, but it is not easy. 

Relieved

I hate this roller coaster of emotions.  Yesterday I was so frustrated and today I feel relief.  I finally got my temperature jump today.  It isn't as large of a jump as I am use to but it's a start.  So I'm going to wait and see what my temperature looks like tomorrow and then start the progesterone tomorrow as long as it stays up or is  higher.  I feel super relieved that I actually ovulated on my own in the middle of the month!   Man God is just so good.  I keep telling myself not to get ahead.  Not to expect anything more than a normal cycle with just the same amount of % to get pregnant as anyone else. 

I just do not want to over analyze anything during this two week wait.  I also keep saying this but I want to get back on my exercise routine and just try and stay distracted. 

I still think its possible I ovulated on cycle day 15 with just a little temperature jump yesterday.  So Not positive but I guess we will see. 

I am so frustrated!

I still haven't gotten my temperature jump.  I did take another ovulation test this morning and it was negative and along with that I got a tiny bit of a temperature shift but I'm not sure how accurate it is.  I had woken up close to 5 am and it was 96.6 and then at 6 am it was 96.9.....so between that hour they both shifted so I'm not sure which one is most accurate but I did go ahead and put the 6am one in. 

So I put in the higher temperature since it was closer to what I had yesterday.  So I guess we will just have to see tomorrow what happens.

I think with how long this is taking I will end up starting the progesterone as soon as I get my big temp jump.  I'm hoping my body didn't gear up to O then just give up.  I guess I'll know tomorrow.  If I don't get a temp jump tomorrow then I will assume that I am not actually ovulating on my own.

I really think I ovulated yesterday and am just having a slow temperature rise and that tomorrow it will go up even higher. 

Infertility sucks.  I hate this whole journey.  I hate knowing that my body doesn't work like it is suppose to.  I hate having to guess when this is happening.  I just want everything to work together like it should.  I want this to be my miracle cycle.  I want to get pregnant without having to be poked and prodded like a lab rat. 

I want to stay positive and get things going but it definitely isn't easy.  I just have to take things one day at a time. 

Things are looking promising

First of all sorry this is posting out of order...apparently I had forgotten to press publish yesterday so this is actually Yesterday's post scroll down to see today's post.  

I woke up this morning and had the fertile Cervical Mucus practically pouring out of me.  I'm only on cycle day 13 right now and am just kind of in shock right now.  I am so incredibly excited that I may actually be having a normal cycle this month.

I took a picture of my past few ovulation tests that I did yesterday and today.  I will take another one tomorrow.  I'm not quite there yet but I'm thinking tomorrow I will actually ovulate, which will be cycle day 15 pretty much exactly in the middle of my cycle.

I just don't even have words right now for how I feel about it.  I am just in shock, excited everything.  I've been having the same ovary twinges/ bloating feeling I had when I was on the medication.  Mostly on my right side(this was the side that produced the 3 follicles)but a few twinges now and again on my left side.  I just don't want to read too much into it.

I want to be excited that I will ovulate on my own therefor I actually stand a shot at getting pregnant this month  but I don't want to be too optimistic.  I want to believe what I've read only in part that a chemical pregnancy makes you more fertile after.  But I also know that God is in control either way.

So I want to try and enjoy the next two weeks as much as I can and stay as stress free as possible.  I think being on vacation during my last two week wait helped tremendously. 

I already notice a difference in the stress level of my job ever since I put in my management resignation.  I feel so much better just being able to come in do clients and leave.  It's amazing.  I love 100% of it!

So that being said here is a picture of my most recent chart and hopefully I will be able to post a picture soon showing ovulation!

My in laws are in town still, they will be leaving tomorrow but it has been so good to see family.  I love having them here and wish we could see them more often.  So much of what I always want to say is When we have kids we will be able to see them more, When we have kids we can take vacations even in the "black out holiday season" ect;  So to get to see family this much this year despite not having children yet has been a huge blessing.

We are going to be taking them out to dinner tonight to celebrate their 39th wedding anniversary.  So lovely.  I don't know what I would do without them.  Last night my mother in law told me she was honored that I trusted her enough to confide my feelings and struggles in this area of our lives.  I have to admit I was scared to talk about it.  As soon as I saw them my first instinct was to be sad.  We had called and told them before they came that I had experienced a chemical pregnancy and that was so hard since they were so incredibly excited to be grandparents and we had to tell them that wasn't going to happen anymore.

I know that next time I will wait a little longer before I tell them.  I think I'll be more cautious in general about being excited too.   I think I will want to wait until we get our second Beta test first to check the levels first before we share with our family.  Or maybe even wait for the ultrasound...but that is jumping ahead so we shall see.  

I'm actually having a normal cycle!

So this morning I woke up and had an almost positive ovulation test.  The test line and the control line were equal in darkness.  So then I decided to go ahead and take another one in the afternoon since I know I haven't gotten a positive ovulation test in quite some time and that you can miss the surge if you do not test frequently enough.  Well as soon as I dipped the stick in the cup I immediately see the test line show up and get darker faster than the control line.  And even after it is dried we are all good:

I'm just so incredibly excited!  I have never had such a "normal cycle on my own".  First with my three day period(something I'm still having trouble wrapping my head around even though it has already come and gone.  The fact I'm only on cycle day 14 and I'm getting ready to ovulate.  I just hope its a true ovulation and not a O here is your positive but then it is still a few days for the egg to be released.  We've had plenty of sex so I think we are covered on the did we have enough sex stage of things.

Now I'm just trying to decide what I should do about my progesterone.  I am not sure if I will take it the day I get my temp jump or if I will wait two days to make sure I actually already ovulated.  Either way this is so exciting! 

However I do have to say I saw a big difference with sex today(since we both knew we had to have it)  It wasn't bad, don't get me wrong and quite enjoyable but there wasn't that freedom feeling that I had for the beginning of the month where we were having sex only because we wanted to.

But now we are finished.  Even if we don't get our temp jump tomorrow I will let it go...we've got plenty of swimmers up there waiting to meet the egg.

So now I just hope to not over analyze everything during this two week wait.  Though last month when I got pregnant I didn't feel any different what so ever except for major heartburn but I don't know if that is from the pregnancy or just the fact that we were on vacation and I was eating way more junk food than I should have.

So now I can't wait to go to sleep just so I can check my temperature in the morning.  Pathetic I know.