Good Good Father

Good Good Father by Chris Tomlin

This is a song has been coming to my mind over and over lately.  Listen to the words and just let it sink down into your heart.

I start thinking about where I am currently in life and begin to get so wrestless.  I don't want to settle for my life.  I want so badly to accomplish those things I feel like God has called me to.  But I look at where I am now and it just seems so incredibly far away.  I know it really isn't.  I know that God has my path planned out even more than i do.  I knwo that every step i take will take me either closer in that direction or further away.  But I feel in part that Isaac and I will get there but my heart is ready now and his is not. 

I can not stop thinking of fostering.  Taking in those children that need it so badly.  I just want to love on them and give them hope and a future.  I just want so badly to be able to be a light to those hurting.  What if I am the only Jesus those kids will ever see. 

I want to go to Africa.  I want to hold those abandoned babies to love on them like they desereve.  I have to keep taking steps back and realize I know that right now I am exactly where God wants me to be.  But I'll be honest( and yes I know this might sound horrible but I strive for honest heart felt comments here)  Sometimes I feel chained down.  Like I can't spread me wings and fly as much as I would want to with a baby, a husband, a house, a car, a job that has a limited amount of vacation time aloud.  I just feel somewhat chained.  But I know that it's not a bondage it's more of a tethering.  I know that I am where i am now supposed to be.  I know that one day I will get to do all those things in my heart and when I do it will just be that more precious but I also know that Isaac needs to have those same fires lit in him. 

He hates change, but yet these are things we talked about from the beginning since before we even where dating.  Part of me though get's scared that I will have this fire lit so bright and then it will take forever for him and the fears re-emerge on how I was ready for kids several years before he was but then when he was ready it still took us almost 3 years before that.  But then I look back and realize that Ezekiel really did come at the perfect time.  We are in a good place.  And nothing can change that.  God I just ask for your wisdom in this.  I don't want to feel chained but instead I want to take advantage of the current opportunities to be your hands and feet.  I want instead to love others as you want me to love them.  I want to pour out your love.  I want Ezekiel to learn to be giving and loving.  To see those no one else wants to see because it is the right thing to do.  God I just ask that you would indeed guide and direct us into the way you would like us to go.  I pray that you would ignight the same passions and desires in my heart that are in Isaacs and vice versa that you would help us to continue to love others as you would.  That you would help us to be a light that shines in the darkness in every single thing that we do.  I thank you and praise you for that Lord.

How do I feel?  I guess somewhat restless.  There is so much I want to do with my life but I feel like life is just so very short.  I just want so badly to take advantage of every second.  But right now that time involves loving on my precious little baby.  On being the best Mom to him I can be.  To being a supportive wife.  To taking things step by step since I know that right now I am exactly where I am supposed to be.  It's okay that I don't know the future as much as I hate that.  But I know that God will open the doors for us that need to be opened and he will close those that need to be closed.

God I lay it down.  Every bit of it.  Help me to search after you in all things.  I thank you for that Lord.

Now to update you on the little man.  He officially cut his first tooth on Monday!  He also hit 7 months old.  He isn't really showing interest in crawling yet he just likes to roll all around the living room. 

Isaac and I are doing well in our marriage.  We love spending time together and I love seeing Ezekiel light up when Daddy walks into the room or when I do.  My heart is full but yet it is not.  I saw some friends walking into Church on Sunday with their 3 kids in tow and I thought to myself I want that.  I don't care how it comes but I want that.  Then we went to Macy's to find some gift for a friends baby shower and as I was browsing through the clothes a woman was there looking for pjs for her new grandkids.  She told me that her daughter just called her today to tell her she was adopting a brother sister pair through the foster care system.  The little boy was 3 and the sister just 20 months old.  She said she can't have children so she was adopting and that she called to tell her she got paired with the siblings and she wants her to be called NaNa.  I heard this story and the woman began to cry, and I began to cry right with her.  It was as if God was speaking to my heart that this is what I will do one day.  I want it so badly already but just hearing that story made me want it even more.  It made me okay even more with the idea of not being pregnant again, though I have good days and bad days on that. 

I know this blog post isn't going in any particular order and I apologize for that but there is a lot on my mind and I lot has taken place since I last was on here. 

I feel for now this is all I want to write about.

I am seeking God while He may be found and I am trying to call on him while He is near.  I want to walk the path that he has for me and I want to go day by day closer to what He has called us to be.  Every day I have choices to make.  I want to put my flesh down, which isn't easy.  Lately I've been convicted about how much I exaggerate.  I just need to stop to truly lay it down.  To let God work in my life and heart inside and out in everything I do.  Help me Lord Jesus.  Amen

First let's start this post with a little bit of joy:

How can you not smile at seeing that face.  He is getting just so very big and every day is doing something new.  He doesn't really seem like he wants to crawl.  He'll be on his tummy for a few minutes then roll right onto his back and be playing with his feet.  He's gotten  to a point where he doesn't really babble but just grunts and yells out a high pitch noise of excitement.  But it's funny to hear his different grunts that have meanings. 

Things with me on the fertility front still seem to be out in the wild yonder.  I am still trying the Essential Oils and am definitely seeing a difference when it comes to how heavy I'm bleeding and my period but didn't help me to ovulate any sooner.  But I'm going to try it for another month then switch to a fertility blend if nothing changes.

So that's it on the physical front so now time to dig a little deeper.  I feel like most of my post have been very surface and just letting you know what is going on but I think in part its because I haven't wanted to feel the bad or acknowledge it at all.  What am I talking about?  I'm talking about my hurting family:

My Brother has been dating a wonderful woman for the past two years.  Together he has raised her kids and they just had one together in Ocotber.  But on December 24th, Christmas Eve, they lost their 20 month old to health problems.  Baby Mike was such a fighter and the Dr's didn't think he would live past 3 months but he did.  He would laugh and smile all in my brother's arms.  He was their light and he is now an angel in heaven.  I was talking with my brother's Fiance today and obviously she is having a rough time.  She is not only dealing with post partum hormones from just having her baby 8ish weeks ago but also now the loss of her other baby, now the stress of having to pay for the funeral, not working(she had quit her job in order to spend as much time with him as possible in his short life).  And just all in all I wished I could have reached through the phone and given her a huge hug.  It saddened my heart.  So I'm just going to put this out there.  They need $1000 by January 26th in order to pay the rest of the funeral home bill and we are reaching out for help:

Help With Funeral Costs

As for me emotionally I feel I'm in a really good place.  I am happy I'm not pregnant again.  Which I never thought I would say.  And with that comes a whole huge slue of emotions: guilt mostly.  I feel guilty that I am relieved I'm not pregnant.  I feel scared at the thought of ruining our "perfect family".  Feel guilty again for even thinking of it that way.   But every day that goes by I just have so much fun with my little man and I am just taking it all in and soaking him up.  It's hard for me to imagine enjoying it as much if I were pregnant again.  I know when he gets a little older I will want another baby so bad yet at the same time I feel more and more each day that he is enough.  I don't know if that is God trying to work his will into my mind or if maybe it is just my own gratefulness and overwhelming love for this little human that has come to join our world.  I can't help but remember that feeling I had that it would take a long time for me to get pregnant like Abraham and Sarah but that then our promise would come, but that it might be one child of our own and a lot through adoption.  Would I want to get pregnant?  Yes absolutely yet there is this little part of me that was relieved when I got my period this month.  Frustrated yes because my body is still hay wire and I didn't even have the option to get pregnant.  But yet relieved.  It makes me think of this scenario:  Imagine going into a restaurant.  You get the same thing every time you go there because you love it so much.  But imagine if you went and they handed you a menu with only the one item on there.  You would be frustrated, annoyed and never want to go back there.  Yet, even if you had the full menu you would be happy with what you always order.  I know that seems a little weird comparison but the point remains.  I am happy with our life now.  I love having our son, I love that Isaac and I are finally able to spend some time together since we got him on a better schedule and we can stay up a little later(like 11pm lol).  But yet I'm annoyed that if we decided to get pregnant it wouldn't be happening.  So in a way I'm grateful for this time to try and get myself back together in the way I should be.  I guess I should be focusing on the good things about this situation.  Maybe now when my heart is ready to be pregnant again and to add another little one to the family then my body will be in line and if it isn't then we have our answer on what we have to do: either fertility treatments or adoption.

So that my friends is where I am at.  I know it's a lot.  But it's not all sunshine and roses.  But either way my heart rejoices and sings praise.  For I am blessed.

~Amen