Not good news(Estrogen level's went even higher the Dr is mystified)

So I've included some of the history here since I feel it is important for those reading this who don't know the full extent of everything and don't want to start from the beginning.  For those of you who read and follow on a regular basis simply skip down past the italicized words and you will be able to see what the newest update is:  

We have been trying  to get pregnant now for almost 2 years.  Back in October my thyroid was a little high(5.6) and since we had already been trying for over a year I went to an endocrinologist  to try and get on some thyroid medications to see if it would help.  I chart my temperatures and could tell from charting that a lot of things where consistent with hypothyroidism.  A little of my back history.  I have 31-34 day cycles.  I do not ovulate until cycle day 28ish the longest luteal phase I have ever had was a 5 days but most of the time it is only 3 days.  My periods are always at least 11 days in length, most of the time this does not include the light spotting that takes place two days before hand.  So I knew there was a problem so my dr sent me to an endo and had my blood work redone and it came back normal..(2.21) they want you below 2.5 if your are trying to conceive, so still due to my other problems my endo decided to put me on metformin for pcos.  I was on it for 3 months still no difference except I actually started to bleed after sex and occasionally between periods...my endo said this wouldn't be caused by the metformin.  So In February we decided to go see an RE- she wanted to retest everything and told me to stop taking the metformin(which when I stopped all the bleeding stopped) since my endo did not do any tests to back up if I had pcos, so we did all the preliminary tests: hsg sonohystagram, vaginal ultrasounds, blood work on set days everything.  Turns out after all that my thyroid went back into Hypo again.  I also had high estrogen that month but I also had a cyst on my ovaries(this can cause the high estrogen) So she told me she wants me to go on Levythoroxin for 6 weeks and to get my thyroid below 2.5 before we begin fertility treatments.  So I did and after 6 more weeks of waiting got the go ahead my thyroid was good!  


 So on Friday(cycle day 2) I went in to the Dr the plan was to just get my baseline blood work done, check for cysts and then start me on Fremara cd 3-7 then possibly get the trigger shot when I'm ready to Ovulate, then a 20 day progesterone regimen.  So I get a call from the Dr that my Estrogen is at 100(this is almost in the pregnancy range) they did a pregnancy blood test(negative of course since I only ovulated a few days before)  So they told me to wait and come back in on cd 5(today-Memorial day) to see if my estrogen levels go down, they need to go below 88 to be able to do any type of fertility treatments.  So I went back in this morning and had my blood work redone.  I got a call from the Dr's office my estrogen actually jumped from 100 to 139 in these two days.
My Dr is "mystified"  I do not have signs completely consistent with pcos(none of the bloodwork backed it up) I was negative for hashimitos yet my estrogen is getting higher and is now in the range of pregnant women on day 5 of my period. 
So she is having me take bc a month and is going to see if this will help suppress whatever it is that is causing the elevated estrogen.  She said if this doesn't work she doesn't know what can be done and she will have to reach out to someone else to see if they have any suggestions.  This is a very rare occurrence.  It's not unheard of just very rare. 

I know we will have children one day and all this nonsense will just make it more precious to us when it does happen.  I just have to continue to believe God for a miracle.  On the bright side by starting this birth control I will be able to try and start the next treatment sooner, hopefully in just three and a half weeks.  So better than waiting for my next regular period to start. 

I must accept His path

A long time ago I made a commitment to the Lord to allow Him to rule in every area of my life.  I agreed to follow wherever He would lead and to accept what ever He would have me accept.  I knew that His plan's for me would always far outweigh anything I would ever come up with for myself.    Now that the time is nearing where acceptance may be in the future I feel this commitment challenged.  I told Him long ago that I would serve Him no matter what......Well today I revisit that commitment and realize that this pertains to that just as much as my own salvation.

I call on the Lord for help because my desire to truly lay down my dreams is there.  But it is just so incredibly hard.  It's like a piece of me is currently missing.  But not only for my sake but my husbands.  I know He will make an incredible Father.  And when we married it was with the dream of having children and enjoying that walk together. 

Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.~John 12:24

If what's to come isn't what I want I ask God for the peace to accept that.  

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

Living One day at a time, step by step day by day, accepting what's on my plate and Trusting that He really is bigger.  Lord I cry out to you for your peace in this.  Help me I pray Lord.  ~Amen

Waiting for results

So I have gotten home from my ultrasound and blood work and now am just waiting to hear from the doctor on the results and if I'm cyst free they will give me directions on what and how to do the stuff and I can go pick up the medication.

I have no control over this stuff and I hate that.  I just want to get the yes and go on.  Right now a certain part of the serenity prayer is playing over and over in my mind:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

It is just playing over and over again in my mind.  I know God sees and already knows what is going to happen so I just need to trust.  To Truly trust.  

Lord Help me to rest in your peace and in the path that you have for me.  Help us to be okay with the path you have us go down.  

Psalm 23

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
²     He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
³     he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
    for his name’s sake.
⁴ Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
    for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

⁵ You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
⁶ Surely your goodness and love will follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever.

I feel like the scripture says enough itself.  I know that God is in control of every situation and He has my very best interest at heart.  God help me to truly remember this today and every day.  Even if we do get to do the treatment cycle this month then just open the door you desire for us Lord.  We need to be at peace with where you would have us to go.  Help lead us on the right path I pray Lord.  In your holy name.  ~Amen

~~~~~~~~EDIT~~~~~~~

I just heard from the doctor.  My ultra sound looked good but my estrogen levels are too high.  They are at +100 and you have to be below 88 to be able to start any treatment.  The only issue is that Last month my estrogen levels where high as well.  This is consistent with cyst...but none where on my ovaries.   I believe it was high too when I was getting tested for pcos.  That's one of the reasons that they were thinking I could possibly have pcos even though not all the signs were consistent.  So I asked her what happens if the estrogen levels are still too high this month and then the same next month what does that mean?  Does it mean that we can't do any treatments since every single treatment option involves some kind of fertility pill?  She said she doesn't know and that the Dr will have to re-evaluate that at the appropriate time but the way she said it didn't give me high hopes.

So that being said God I need your peace now more than ever!  Please help me to  trust explicitly in you.  Thank you that Your will shall be done.  In your Holy name.  ~Amen  

 

Tomorrow begin's the steps for round 1

So it's here.  I go in tomorrow at 9 am to have my vaginal ultra sound and baseline blood work done.  Then the dr will call me to discuss the pills/treatment between 1-3(man that time is going to go so slowly)

I honestly just feel an overwhelming sense of peace.  I know that God is in control of this situation and that He will work everything out for His glory.

I am believing by faith that I do not have any cyst and that I will be able to start the pills right away and not have to wait another month. 

That being said the Dr re-looked over all my stuff today and had her nurses call me she is changing up a little bit what she is going to have me do.  At first she said she wanted me to do Clomid, I believe this is just with the fact that its been almost two months since we had sat down with her so she forgot that my pcos tests were inconclusive, that was why she wanted me on Femara in the first place.  So when I asked about that she remembered and agreed that Femara is best for me.  She doesn't think I will need the trigger. But on cycle day 12 I will go back in and we will do another Ultra sound and she will re-evaluate if she thinks I need the trigger shot...then I will take progesterone suppositories for 20 days following ovulation.

So there it is I am ready.  I had to rearrange my work schedule though so that I could go in tomorrow morning and be available to talk with the Dr. about the test results then go pick up my prescription.  I have wonderful bosses though who are more than willing to work with me in this.

So let it begin

So I started cycle day 1 today. This means we will Start treatment!!!!

 I'm trying so hard not to get nervous or anxious.  I know that once it starts happening it will all be good and quick on if we can start treatment or not.  The thing that I am praying so badly about is that I will not have any cysts and we can go and start our first round of treatments. 

I called the office today to see if they want me to come in either Friday or Saturday and had to leave a message.  I haven't heard back yet but either way they will have me go in one of those days.  I have to work in the morning tomorrow so I am so hoping that I will be able to hear from them immediately in the morning before I have to work.  If not it will be like playing phone tag all day.

My mind is going a mile a minute and I am not sure what to write or say.  I just want to know, so only a few days to go.  I do feel really bad though I am just getting back from Vacation tomorrow and I will have to call off right after. 

Man I do hate that, I hate calling off work in general.  But I know this is more important.  So that being said I need to just take it minute by minute not even day by day.   But literally try to just live in the moment. 

Silent Meditation

So today as I played worship music, drank my coffee and tried to take some time to listen to the Lord and just allow my heart to be at peace Psalm 4 stood out to me:

Psalm 4NKJV

The Safety of the Faithful

1 Hear me when I call, O God of my righteousness!
You have relieved me in my distress;
Have mercy on me, and hear my prayer.

² How long, O you sons of men,
Will you turn my glory to shame?
How long will you love worthlessness
And seek falsehood?
³ But know that the Lord has set apart^[a] for Himself him who is godly;
The Lord will hear when I call to Him.

⁴ Be angry, and do not sin.
Meditate within your heart on your bed, and be still.
⁵ Offer the sacrifices of righteousness,
And put your trust in the Lord.

⁶ There are many who say,
“Who will show us any good?”
Lord, lift up the light of Your countenance upon us.
⁷ You have put gladness in my heart,
More than in the season that their grain and wine increased.
⁸ I will both lie down in peace, and sleep;
For You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.

³ But know that the Lord has set apart^[a] for Himself him who is godly; The Lord will hear when I call to Him.

 * He always listens even if He doesn't answer right away.  And even when it seems like He is so far away He is ALWAYS there listening.  Always knowing that when He does answer it will be because it is His most perfect timing to answer.

⁴ Be angry, and do not sin .Meditate within your heart on your bed, and be still.  

* Anger is an emotion, and Our God does not ask us to mask our emotions.  He does not ask us not o be angry only to not sin as we express our anger and disappointments.  There is a difference between speaking the truth of how you feel and speaking of the injustice of God.  Our God does not ask for a robot.  He tells us it's okay to feel what I feel for He will hear me when I call to Him.  That being said He expects me to call to Him when I am dealing with these emotions not to bottle them up inside. 

⁵ Offer the sacrifices of righteousness, And put your trust in the Lord.

*Sacrifices of Righteousness- What is a sacrifice?  Webster's Dictionary defines Sacrifice as follows:

the act of giving up something that you want to keep  especially in order to get or do something 

else or to help someone.  So a sacrifice is a putting away or killing something lesser for something greater.  So a sacrifice of righteousness is a  sacrifice where we lay down our own fleshy desires and uphold His glory within us despite the situation or circumstance. So much easier said than done but never the less it is a command.  He commands us to Put our Trust in Him sacrifice our flesh for it is for a bigger cause even if we can't see what that cause it just yet.

⁷ You have put gladness in my heart, More than in the season that their grain and wine increased.

He gives me the joy of the Lord so no matter how the storm around me rages on I can have His joy and see the rainbow through the rain.  

 

⁸ I will both lie down in peace, and sleep; For You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.

Peace-I feel this is something that really can not be described fully by words.  I thank the Lord for His peace that guards my heart every day.  Every day His peace is there to say, I'm here I see you it's okay.  Even though today has so many problems, trials and I know tomorrow will see even more His peace is there to let me know He sees it all.  He allows me to lay down in peace to rise in peace to dwell in His safety.  This may not be where I saw myself being 5 years ago.  I thought I would be on the mission field hands in the dirt  with myself going and being in the nations but instead for now He's called us to be the senders.  But even if it's not where I thought I would be I can dwell in His safety knowing there is no safer place to be than to be in the place and timing of the will of God.

I use to get little signs of confirmation on a regular basis that Yes my child you are where I want you.  But those had become less and less.  Until recently they have started coming back.  I think referring back to my post about glassy waters during that time it was an imminence peace and stillness.  Even in my quite times I would have such quite and no answers.   

Now I feel a little breeze beginning to blow.  The waters are beginning to stir.  And yes I am referring to moving forward in the Dr's visits and treatment but it's more than that.  God has begun working in our spirits for something that is to come.  Isaac and I haven't really talked about it  I don't feel its time but I see it.  

I see it in the way he looks at life and in the way he carries himself and lives.  God is moving and doing something that will be great in both our lives no matter which way this wind begins to blow.  I am excited yet nervous all at the same time.  So this scripture really spoke to me today.  I loved it.  

Thank you Lord for what you are doing in my life.  Thank you that you will open up the windows of heaven so that there is not room enough for us to receive it.  God I ask right now that you would help me to lay it all down every day.  Myself as a sacrifice of righteousness.  Lord take me in your Arms and teach me to love all those around me constantly.  I surrender it all to you every day!  I praise you Lord!  In your holy name~Amen

 

We got the Go Ahead!

We got the go ahead!

This past weekend I was in Oklahoma for my best friends wedding.  Before we left to drive down there I received a phone call from the dr's office. I had my thyroid levels checked to see if they were at a place yet I would be able to receive treatment and they were! So We got the go ahead, starting this next period I will go in on cycle day 3 and they will do a vaginal ultra sound to make sure my ovaries are cyst free, along with run some blood work to test my current hormone levels. I will get all those results back the same day and if they are good then I will go back and get the medication to start. So I will start pills for 4 days then go in for a surge confirmation test around cycle day 10 or 11, but either way on cycle day 12 I will go back in and do another vaginal ultrasound and blood work and if everything looks ready for Ovulation I will be able to do the trigger shot. Then wait a few days, go back in to confirm that I did actually Ovulate with blood work then finish up with daily shots of progesterone(these I will administer to myself).

So really when it comes down to it it's just a matter of seeing if I have any cysts. As long as I am cyst free then I'll be good to go, if not then we have to wait until next cycle and try again.

Isaac and I have both agreed consecutively that we will only do 3 cycles of treatment. And if that doesn't work we will stop, obviously it is not what God would have for us and we will look into starting our adoption process. There is so much work that goes into that, I feel like it just takes us into another section of crazy.

It's taken so long to finally get to a point where I am able to get treatment that I just need God's grace to handle His will.  It's easy to say that I will be okay if I can't get pregnant and just adopt.  But words are so much easier to say then have actual actions follow suite.  I know the promises God has given to us and I know that we will have a son one day.  But beyond that what happens in between?

Lately the dream and desire of working with orphans in Africa has started to be rekindled. Its something that has always been there but its like the fire has died down to embers but from somewhere a light breeze has been blowing causing these embers to grow hotter and brighter. I know that God's timing is perfect and that one day we will go but it's so hard to see how on earth that would happen. But I know I serve a God of miracles and it's not my job to make things happen. He has proven time and time again that He is bigger than ANY problem that comes my way and that he is bigger than everything that would try and come my way.

Lord, I know you are in control of everything that is in our lives. You see the beginning and the end. You know what our future holds, you know why we go through every single obstacle that comes our way. I ask that you would give me peace that surpasses every understanding. Help us to be able to accept what ends up happening no matter if its what I want or a completely different direction. I ask for your direction Lord. 

On another note I'm only on cycle day 21 and it looks like I have indeed already ovulated, which means that I ovulated a week earlier than normal.  So I am hoping that that means that things will come into play quicker.  Though I do find myself getting guilty with the thought that I will be starting my period within the next week and I will have to call off the day I go in for everything right after vacation.  I have only ever called off work 1x besides being snowed in.  So I hate it but know that I need to. 

So that being said within the next week things shall begin 

Mother's Day

As Mother's Day approaches I am reminded very vividly what I am missing out on right now.
 I am constantly talking with my clients about what their plans are.  I'm asked what we plan on doing.  I know it would be easier to handle this insane roller coaster of emotions if I had my family here.  But since they are not here I have nothing I can do but smile and make a joke about having four animals that kind of counts to let me celebrate Mother's Day.

In August we will be hitting 2 years of trying.  It is so incredibly frustrating.  I just want to hold my own child in my arms.  To give unconditional love.  I just hate this.  I hate having to wait.

On Monday(3days) I will get to have my thyroid levels checked and if they are where they need to be then I will be able to start our first round of fertility treatments.  That is as long as I don't have a cyst.  So for now I will just keep my head up and try and stay positive.