There is such power in positive thinking such power in believing in something without doubting. I've been so focused on my frustrations. So focused on the depression and aggravation. I've been thinking of all the things that are wrong with me. Of all the things I will need to do in order to get pregnant. But what about the positives? What about the God I serve? A God of so many miracles. A God who has proven himself time and time again to be a God of such great miracles to me.
Lately I've been kind of on autopilot just living day to day counting down to the time frame I can go get medical help to get pregnant. Some days I feel so positive nothing can keep me down other days just worn down I don't know how I would be able to get up. But every day I have to keep going. Every day I have to decide where to go. But yesterday I feel I had some breakthrough.
I will believe with all my heart to conceive a child. I will believe for a healthy pregnancy. I will believe for it all now and soon. I am not quite there yet. But they say to fake it till you make it. Every day I will make the proclamation that I will conceive this month. I will Have a baby. We will be parents and it will begin to happen now.
I will make this declaration every day. I will surrender it all. No more negativity. No more depression frustration or anything of that sort. I will believe and proclaim it every day!
Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Wednesday, December 4, 2013
Breaking....
I'm not quite sure where to begin. I've been having so many good days. Good positive thoughts. But lately those are becoming more sporadic. I know I am extremely blessed. I have so much to live for and am so happy in life. But this feeling of I'm meant for something more. This feeling of wanting to be a Mom but not being able to experience it yet. I'm so frustrated. All I want is to be able to be a Mom. To feel the miraculous blessing of having a child grow on the inside of me.
I've been remembering things in the past a lot lately and I'm not sure if it's God bringing it to memory or me just trying to console myself.
When I lived in Romania back in 2005 for that year God had spoken to me that I would marry my now husband and that one day we would have a son and his name would be Ezekiel meaning the strength of God. He spoke to me that this young boy had a specific time he would be born. He was to be born for a purpose. At a young age the power of God would be in him so strong he would be able to lay hands on the sick and see them healed. A prophet to the nations.
I also remembered when Isaac and I first got married I began to wonder what would happen if we got pregnant even though we were on birth control. But God spoke to me again and told me he was closing my womb and would reopen it in His timing. When that happened I felt a sharp pain in my uterus.
Since then so much has happened. God has brought healing into my soul along with forgiveness from things in the past. Isaac and I have grown in our own relationship so much so that every day we are falling even more in love with each other. He has helped us learn to support and pray for each other's needs.
But lately we are both at a stand still. We don't know what to pray for. I think we are tired of batteling hope month after month.
Proverbs 13:12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
This is how I feel. Month after month has taken it's tole. I'm done. Not done trying but done trying to be hopeful.
Another thing I remembered recently was a long time ago before Isaac and I were wanting to have children yet me telling him I felt like our story would be like Abraham and Sarah, promised a child but a long time in coming. When I told Isaac this he just shook his head and said just because you feel that way doesn't mean that's how it will be. You'll get pregnant right away.
But I knew in my heart that wasn't the case. But how do you say that. How do you tell the love of your life that you just know its going to be a struggle before you even begin. Well then we began our journey back in August of 2012 and Here we are. Only a few weeks away from beginning 2014 and still no baby.
Just two days ago Isaac came over gave me a huge hug and asked how I was doing and if I was okay. All I could say was that I will be. I will be okay. I will. I'm a survivor. I have to glass half full mentality. But I just don't know what else to do to feel that way again.
I looked at him and told him I really feel like a pregnancy isn't going to happen on its own. I think we have to go see a fertility specialist. He said he knows, he agrees. And that was that. But then comes a whole other set of emotions.
I don't want to be like Sarah trying to make things happening on her own by giving Haggar to Abraham as a wife in order to get a child. I don't know how I feel about invitro. And yes I know we aren't there yet and that there are a lot of different options first. But I don't know what to think. Isaac feels its a gift from God given to those who can't have children on there own. I look at it as if God really wants us to have a kid he will give it to us not by us taking it into our own hands. So when it comes to that point some major prayer will need to be involved.
But to deal with emotions right now:
I do not even know where to start.
I'm so angry. I'm angry it's taking this long. I'm angry I'm hurting I'm jealous I'm resentful...the list goes on and on. I know the feelings I have are wrong feelings. I know that I can trust that God has my very best interest in life and know that He will take care of everything for me.
I feel so unchristian. I'm tired of fighting spiritual battles. I'm tired of trying to pray. I'm tired of giving and blessing other's. All I want to do is lay down and not move. All I want to do is cry every day. All I want is victory.
Why should me having a child be so hard? Why should two people who would make amazing parents struggle so much to achieve that gift?
Then I look at things and try and think of reasons maybe it hasn't happened yet. I know His timing is PERFECT. But it doesn't stop the emotions. It doesn't stop them from coming like a heavy storm.
I want to be happy for those around me. When it comes to it I am so happy for them but just so jealous at the same time.
God I just don't know anymore. Maybe I've been holding onto the till too long in this storm and all you want me to do is let go, let the wind and the waves drive me toward the place I should be.
I don't want this time to be wasted. I'm just so tired of trying to make it meaningful.
God if I can't have a child give me some other purpose right now. I want to be a good wife. I want to pour out love and caring onto my husband to give him everything he deserves. I need some help though God. I need to know your there. That you are in control.
Help me Jesus.
I think I'm done for the day. I feel like I could rant and rave and continue on and on. But now I'm gonna let go. For now I'm going to surrender.
I have realized though the longer it's taking the more I'm cherishing the thought of raising a child. I always said I could never stop working even after kids. I would of course go down to part time. But now I'm getting to a point where I am cherishing the though enough that I would be willing to lay my career down for a baby. I am beginning to love the idea of being a stay at home Mom. That is a new thought for me.
I've been remembering things in the past a lot lately and I'm not sure if it's God bringing it to memory or me just trying to console myself.
When I lived in Romania back in 2005 for that year God had spoken to me that I would marry my now husband and that one day we would have a son and his name would be Ezekiel meaning the strength of God. He spoke to me that this young boy had a specific time he would be born. He was to be born for a purpose. At a young age the power of God would be in him so strong he would be able to lay hands on the sick and see them healed. A prophet to the nations.
I also remembered when Isaac and I first got married I began to wonder what would happen if we got pregnant even though we were on birth control. But God spoke to me again and told me he was closing my womb and would reopen it in His timing. When that happened I felt a sharp pain in my uterus.
Since then so much has happened. God has brought healing into my soul along with forgiveness from things in the past. Isaac and I have grown in our own relationship so much so that every day we are falling even more in love with each other. He has helped us learn to support and pray for each other's needs.
But lately we are both at a stand still. We don't know what to pray for. I think we are tired of batteling hope month after month.
Proverbs 13:12 Hope deferred makes the heart sick,
This is how I feel. Month after month has taken it's tole. I'm done. Not done trying but done trying to be hopeful.
Another thing I remembered recently was a long time ago before Isaac and I were wanting to have children yet me telling him I felt like our story would be like Abraham and Sarah, promised a child but a long time in coming. When I told Isaac this he just shook his head and said just because you feel that way doesn't mean that's how it will be. You'll get pregnant right away.
But I knew in my heart that wasn't the case. But how do you say that. How do you tell the love of your life that you just know its going to be a struggle before you even begin. Well then we began our journey back in August of 2012 and Here we are. Only a few weeks away from beginning 2014 and still no baby.
Just two days ago Isaac came over gave me a huge hug and asked how I was doing and if I was okay. All I could say was that I will be. I will be okay. I will. I'm a survivor. I have to glass half full mentality. But I just don't know what else to do to feel that way again.
I looked at him and told him I really feel like a pregnancy isn't going to happen on its own. I think we have to go see a fertility specialist. He said he knows, he agrees. And that was that. But then comes a whole other set of emotions.
I don't want to be like Sarah trying to make things happening on her own by giving Haggar to Abraham as a wife in order to get a child. I don't know how I feel about invitro. And yes I know we aren't there yet and that there are a lot of different options first. But I don't know what to think. Isaac feels its a gift from God given to those who can't have children on there own. I look at it as if God really wants us to have a kid he will give it to us not by us taking it into our own hands. So when it comes to that point some major prayer will need to be involved.
But to deal with emotions right now:
I do not even know where to start.
I'm so angry. I'm angry it's taking this long. I'm angry I'm hurting I'm jealous I'm resentful...the list goes on and on. I know the feelings I have are wrong feelings. I know that I can trust that God has my very best interest in life and know that He will take care of everything for me.
I feel so unchristian. I'm tired of fighting spiritual battles. I'm tired of trying to pray. I'm tired of giving and blessing other's. All I want to do is lay down and not move. All I want to do is cry every day. All I want is victory.
Why should me having a child be so hard? Why should two people who would make amazing parents struggle so much to achieve that gift?
Then I look at things and try and think of reasons maybe it hasn't happened yet. I know His timing is PERFECT. But it doesn't stop the emotions. It doesn't stop them from coming like a heavy storm.
I want to be happy for those around me. When it comes to it I am so happy for them but just so jealous at the same time.
God I just don't know anymore. Maybe I've been holding onto the till too long in this storm and all you want me to do is let go, let the wind and the waves drive me toward the place I should be.
I don't want this time to be wasted. I'm just so tired of trying to make it meaningful.
God if I can't have a child give me some other purpose right now. I want to be a good wife. I want to pour out love and caring onto my husband to give him everything he deserves. I need some help though God. I need to know your there. That you are in control.
Help me Jesus.
I think I'm done for the day. I feel like I could rant and rave and continue on and on. But now I'm gonna let go. For now I'm going to surrender.
I have realized though the longer it's taking the more I'm cherishing the thought of raising a child. I always said I could never stop working even after kids. I would of course go down to part time. But now I'm getting to a point where I am cherishing the though enough that I would be willing to lay my career down for a baby. I am beginning to love the idea of being a stay at home Mom. That is a new thought for me.
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Deep Breaths
So far no ill effects from starting Metformin, though I've only been taking it now for 5 full days. But I have to say I'm getting to a point of a lull. I don't know any other way to explain it. I'm so frustrated. I'm so ready to be a Mom. I want to experience the actual wonderful gift of being pregnant.
We always said we will adopt if I don't get pregnant and we will. Well shoot we actually plan on adopting even if we do have our own. We want to adopt at least two. But now that we are nearing the points where we will have to make plans if I don't conceive in the next few months and my mind is just racing with the what if's and maybes.
God give me strength. I want a baby and I want one soon! I want to be pregnant by January. If we aren't by the end of February we actually plan on making an appointment with a fertility specialist. Just one step at a time. I keep trying to remind myself that but it's not always easy. I have peace which is great but not enough anymore.
I don't know I'm rambling now so I'm gonna end this.
We always said we will adopt if I don't get pregnant and we will. Well shoot we actually plan on adopting even if we do have our own. We want to adopt at least two. But now that we are nearing the points where we will have to make plans if I don't conceive in the next few months and my mind is just racing with the what if's and maybes.
God give me strength. I want a baby and I want one soon! I want to be pregnant by January. If we aren't by the end of February we actually plan on making an appointment with a fertility specialist. Just one step at a time. I keep trying to remind myself that but it's not always easy. I have peace which is great but not enough anymore.
I don't know I'm rambling now so I'm gonna end this.
Tuesday, November 12, 2013
Taking steps forward
So finally got the results back on my pcos test. My Dr said everything is consistent with pcos so today I started 500 mg of Metformin that I will take two times a day for just 10 days then we will bump it up to 750 mg 2x a day. I'm hoping that things will move forward rather quickly. On top of trying to get pregnant I'm also trying to loose weight and it hasn't really been going well. I've been exercising every day, eating super healthy*under 1500 calories every day** and this being fruits, veggies ect. and I haven't lost a single pound. There isn't a ton of straightforward information on pcos. But my Dr. said that if I am not pregnant by my appointment next month she will want to do another test to see how my body is reacting to the medication....so maybe that means I actually do have a shot at getting pregnant soon! But I also will need to stay on it it seems. Especially if I want to continue to be able to loose weight even after I have a baby. I'm so relieved and so excited to be able to take steps in the right direction. I feel like I'm finally moving forward. I feel like this is the right direction and I have complete peace. So far*I know it's only the first day** but zero side effects.
I'm just super ready to begin. I feel like I have been at a stand still in everything. Emotionally, I still have good days and bad days but its been more good then anything. I also have to say I have a very nice sense of peace. I have for a few weeks now but I'm getting a little more antsy every day. I want a family. I want to make my husband a father. I want to be a mommy. I'm so excited for what the future has in store and I will just trust and believe day by day things will work out. Just one step at a time.
I'm just super ready to begin. I feel like I have been at a stand still in everything. Emotionally, I still have good days and bad days but its been more good then anything. I also have to say I have a very nice sense of peace. I have for a few weeks now but I'm getting a little more antsy every day. I want a family. I want to make my husband a father. I want to be a mommy. I'm so excited for what the future has in store and I will just trust and believe day by day things will work out. Just one step at a time.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Great Dr's visit
So looks like I'm finally getting answers. I definitely have Hypothyroid, but the dr believes I may also have pcos. Both are treatable. I got new labs taken today for my thyroid disorder. She was going to go by my original labs but since I told her I really believe this is whats causing my infertility and want it fixed asap she decided to run new current labs today to get me on the best dose of medication then on cycle days 3-5 of my next cycle I am to go and get more labs drawn to confirm the pcos disorder. So all in all it looks like I'm finally going to get some answers! I couldn't be happier. Its not just a matter of waiting and following Dr's orders.
I have my gynecologist visit on Thursday she told me to go over with her the pcos suspicion and then to show her the scripts that will be drawn and see if she has any other things she wants to add to the labs and if so to send the results to her.
So all in all I believe everyone will work together and we will get it all situated.
I have my gynecologist visit on Thursday she told me to go over with her the pcos suspicion and then to show her the scripts that will be drawn and see if she has any other things she wants to add to the labs and if so to send the results to her.
So all in all I believe everyone will work together and we will get it all situated.
Today is the Day!
So in about 30 minutes I will be heading to my Dr's appointment. I'm nervous but excited all at the same time. I am just trying to tell myself to trust. It will all work out. Just keep my head up. I'll update this post after the visit right now my find is too full to really concentrate on what I want to say.
Saturday, October 12, 2013
Home stretch
So I'm getting to that time so close to my endocrinologist visit! I'm so close but so far away at the same time. At least I'm working every day till then so it will make it go by so much faster than if I had to just sit and wait. I called the office to find out if they were going to send me a script for blood work or just do it when I came in that same day. They said since I'm a new patient they will just go off the labs from my referring doctor. So hopefully that means I'll be taken seriously. I found out they now want your tsh levels around 1.5 and mine were 5.67 so I'm pretty sure they will listen to what I have to say! Hopefully we get this show on the road right away and I start noticing a difference.
I do have to say that without the vitex my temperatures have begun to rise...but I still get a few jumps and dips even though the rest remains somewhat steady. Its getting kinda hard to tell though if I have anovulatory cycles or just a slow ovulation raise. When I was taking the Vitex I was able to tell without a doubt.
My Dr. told me to bring the bottle in with me let them see it and tell them I was on it when I took the last labs and would like to continue if they give the ok. So we will see.
Only two days after my endocrinologist visit I have my gyno visit where we will go over my charts and if she feels necessary run more labs and just see how things look. I want to wait till my thyroid levels get in order before continuing the baby train. Wish me luck!
I do have to say that without the vitex my temperatures have begun to rise...but I still get a few jumps and dips even though the rest remains somewhat steady. Its getting kinda hard to tell though if I have anovulatory cycles or just a slow ovulation raise. When I was taking the Vitex I was able to tell without a doubt.
My Dr. told me to bring the bottle in with me let them see it and tell them I was on it when I took the last labs and would like to continue if they give the ok. So we will see.
Only two days after my endocrinologist visit I have my gyno visit where we will go over my charts and if she feels necessary run more labs and just see how things look. I want to wait till my thyroid levels get in order before continuing the baby train. Wish me luck!
Friday, September 20, 2013
Happy for someone else's pregnancy
Steps are being made in the right direction in regards to my heart. Before if someone told me they were pregnant I would get happy but then just jealous, angry and upset. I have a friend I work with who surprisingly didn't know that my husband and I were trying to get pregnant, at this point I thought everyone knew due to the fact my reaction to the question When are you gonna have a baby? had become rather straightforward, blunt and put in a way to make sure that I never heard them ask me again.
So when she found out we had been trying for over a year she confided in me that her and her husband had been trying for 2 years with no success. She told me that she had tried to get advice from her gyno and they told her just to keep an eye on her cervical mucus and plan sex accordingly but that she didn't really understand what that ment. So I took the time to explain things. She had believed that the thicker stretchier stuff would actually hinder the sperm movement so after explaining signs of ovulation, and some little tricks she decided to try it. Well just a few days ago she told me she is pregnant! Only a few weeks after we had our talk, she timed accordingly and it all happened!
I have to say for the first time in a very long time I am actually genuinely so happy for someone who tells me they are pregnant. Maybe its because I know she was struggling even longer than I was and so its just so good to see someone have break through. Maybe it's a sign for myself that things can only get better.
Either way it's sooo good not to be jealous about it. Thank you Jesus!
I have to say I just feel that if things don't happen soon I really believe I'll be ok. I know that each day is a journey that has its own purpose, its own plan and its own destiny. Now ask me in a week if I still feel this way and I may feel differently. But all in all I would say that God has granted me peace and it's amazing!
So when she found out we had been trying for over a year she confided in me that her and her husband had been trying for 2 years with no success. She told me that she had tried to get advice from her gyno and they told her just to keep an eye on her cervical mucus and plan sex accordingly but that she didn't really understand what that ment. So I took the time to explain things. She had believed that the thicker stretchier stuff would actually hinder the sperm movement so after explaining signs of ovulation, and some little tricks she decided to try it. Well just a few days ago she told me she is pregnant! Only a few weeks after we had our talk, she timed accordingly and it all happened!
I have to say for the first time in a very long time I am actually genuinely so happy for someone who tells me they are pregnant. Maybe its because I know she was struggling even longer than I was and so its just so good to see someone have break through. Maybe it's a sign for myself that things can only get better.
Either way it's sooo good not to be jealous about it. Thank you Jesus!
I have to say I just feel that if things don't happen soon I really believe I'll be ok. I know that each day is a journey that has its own purpose, its own plan and its own destiny. Now ask me in a week if I still feel this way and I may feel differently. But all in all I would say that God has granted me peace and it's amazing!
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Kim Walker - How He loves us
I don't know if anyone needs to hear this but this is a song that is just speaking to me so much today. I am so blessed to know just how much He loves us!
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Ready to get this show on the road
So I am now officially less than one month away from my endocrinologist visit. I am so incredibly ready to get this show on the road. But a part of me wonders...will getting my thyroid fixed actually help me get pregnant? What if there is a bigger picture there. What if its not enough. But we can't life our lives based on what ifs can we?
I quit taking the vitex two weeks ago (my Dr's didn't know anything about it and are not sure that I will be able to take it when on Synthroid so suggested I stop now) and since then my hypothyroid symptoms have gotten worse. I feel so dizzy all the time but ESPECIALLY when I am just sitting or trying to relax it will legitimately feel like the room is spinning and I'm gonna end up either passing out or falling over. A part of me wonders if since the Vitex works as a hormone balancer it was actually helping keep my thyroid levels from getting even more out of control. But here is my issue. I dont want to take it and have my levels begin to stabalize and then lets say I get pregnant and end up going off and boom my levels are crazy again resulting in a miscarriage. You can not take Vitex while pregnant so what do I do? I'm planning to try and get in to the DR sooner because these symptoms are just getting worse and worse and I'm afraid I'm gonna end up hurting myself.
I am a hairdresser so I'm on my feet all day long and there will be times I'm cutting someones hair, applying color or just even blowing them dry and I start getting so dizzy! I had to go sit in the back twice this past Saturday just to try and help the room stop spinning. But this is especially not good while I'm driving. But the fatigue has also gotten worse. If I do nothing all day I'm ok but as soon as I start working or trying to get things accomplished I feel as if I ran a marathon and can't seem to wake up. So I've been drinking tons of coffee, witch I don't think is a good thing.
But I'm hoping and praying that this will all be a quick fix to at least get me stabilized and that we will be well on our way to starting a beautiful family. I do have to say I am super excited. I believe I did ovulate today, though way too late in my cycle I'm on CD 28 and will start my period on day 31. So unless a miracle interveens no pregnancy for us. But I am excited I was actually able to ovulate even though I am not taking Vitex, witch after having anovulatory cycles until taking the vitex I feel this in itself is a great step.
Isaac(my husband)started a new job and at the end of the year if they meet there quota everyone gets a bonus....He asked me last night what I would want to do with the bonus if we get it. I said I dont know put it in savings, maybe take a nice vacation, he told me He was thinking maybe artificial insemination treatment or adoption Not right away, but holding onto the money just in case and using it for that if need be. I just wanted to hold him so close. He wants this so badly and is being so great and supportive. I know that God has a purpose and a plan for everyting and I know that He will work all things out for us. I just have to keep reminding myself that.
As of now I have no trips to focus on, nothing exciting coming my way so I feel I'm really at this point of just rest. Just doing nothing.....Just plain sit and wait.
Now I'm just trying to hold out on taking the Vitex. Even now as I'm sitting at my computer desk typing my head is spinning and I'm glad I'm sitting down, though I kinda feel like I need a seat belt.
We both want this so badly. Lord please help us to trust in you, to Rest in you to lay it all down at your feet. My preciouse Jesus I love you with all that I am. I need you, we need you. Guide our steps we pray in your holy name~Amen.
I quit taking the vitex two weeks ago (my Dr's didn't know anything about it and are not sure that I will be able to take it when on Synthroid so suggested I stop now) and since then my hypothyroid symptoms have gotten worse. I feel so dizzy all the time but ESPECIALLY when I am just sitting or trying to relax it will legitimately feel like the room is spinning and I'm gonna end up either passing out or falling over. A part of me wonders if since the Vitex works as a hormone balancer it was actually helping keep my thyroid levels from getting even more out of control. But here is my issue. I dont want to take it and have my levels begin to stabalize and then lets say I get pregnant and end up going off and boom my levels are crazy again resulting in a miscarriage. You can not take Vitex while pregnant so what do I do? I'm planning to try and get in to the DR sooner because these symptoms are just getting worse and worse and I'm afraid I'm gonna end up hurting myself.
I am a hairdresser so I'm on my feet all day long and there will be times I'm cutting someones hair, applying color or just even blowing them dry and I start getting so dizzy! I had to go sit in the back twice this past Saturday just to try and help the room stop spinning. But this is especially not good while I'm driving. But the fatigue has also gotten worse. If I do nothing all day I'm ok but as soon as I start working or trying to get things accomplished I feel as if I ran a marathon and can't seem to wake up. So I've been drinking tons of coffee, witch I don't think is a good thing.
But I'm hoping and praying that this will all be a quick fix to at least get me stabilized and that we will be well on our way to starting a beautiful family. I do have to say I am super excited. I believe I did ovulate today, though way too late in my cycle I'm on CD 28 and will start my period on day 31. So unless a miracle interveens no pregnancy for us. But I am excited I was actually able to ovulate even though I am not taking Vitex, witch after having anovulatory cycles until taking the vitex I feel this in itself is a great step.
Isaac(my husband)started a new job and at the end of the year if they meet there quota everyone gets a bonus....He asked me last night what I would want to do with the bonus if we get it. I said I dont know put it in savings, maybe take a nice vacation, he told me He was thinking maybe artificial insemination treatment or adoption Not right away, but holding onto the money just in case and using it for that if need be. I just wanted to hold him so close. He wants this so badly and is being so great and supportive. I know that God has a purpose and a plan for everyting and I know that He will work all things out for us. I just have to keep reminding myself that.
As of now I have no trips to focus on, nothing exciting coming my way so I feel I'm really at this point of just rest. Just doing nothing.....Just plain sit and wait.
Now I'm just trying to hold out on taking the Vitex. Even now as I'm sitting at my computer desk typing my head is spinning and I'm glad I'm sitting down, though I kinda feel like I need a seat belt.
We both want this so badly. Lord please help us to trust in you, to Rest in you to lay it all down at your feet. My preciouse Jesus I love you with all that I am. I need you, we need you. Guide our steps we pray in your holy name~Amen.
Monday, September 2, 2013
Vitex is it right for you?
So I decided to write my own review on using Vitex in order to try and regulate your cycles and become pregnant. I have to say that when I was considering using this product I had such an incredibly hard time finding recent reviews or information on it so here we go:
So just a warning this review is going to be very long and detailed but I feel it will help people make the decision on if this product is right for them.
I started taking Vitex exactly 11 weeks ago. The reason I began Vitex is my husband and I have been trying to conceive. After almost a year of trying I decided to start charting my cycles because even though we were using home ovulation predictor kits we still were not getting pregnant. I normally get my period every 31 days*pretty much exactly* except when I was coming off the pill it was 28 days the first two months. Well After beginning the charting I discovered I had what looked like anvoluntary cycles(my temps where everywhere!) even though I was getting the rise in hormones to show on the predictor kits I wasn't actually ovulating. So after doing some research Vitex seemed like a good way to try and get my progesterone levels to rise high enough to get me to ovulate and hopefully balance out some other hormone issues.
But I can say it didn't work quite like I was expecting it to. The first two weeks I took 1 400mg pill 2x a day(once in the morning and once at night) I then after two weeks went ahead and uped it to 3x a day morning, afternoon and evening. The first month I took it I actually ovulated! BUT super late! If any of you are familiar with charting your cycles you know that you can confirm ovulation from the temps well my temps were still kinda all over the place just like they are with the anovulatory cycles till suddenly boom I ovulated but I didn't actually ovulate until cycle day 35, well along with ovulating so late I had so many pregnancy symptoms! My boobs hurt so bad, I started lactating(yes actually lactating and I have never had a child or been pregnant before) and got a super sensitive sense of smell. All this made me believe I had in fact become pregnant. Well then when I finally did get my period 10 days late (on day 41 this gave me a 5 day Luteal phase) I was crushed. I had thought the vitex would have me ovulate earlier, but instead it had me ovulate just too late in my cylce for it to do any good. So I continued taking it. Well this past month I ovulated for a second time this time on cycle day 31 with only a 3 day luteal phase. No lactation this time I did however get the sensitive boobs but I knew what to look for. BUT this time my temps where actually steady and not all over the place. So I did in fact ovulate a little early but with a shorter luteal phase and still too late in the cycle. So I have to say I like it because I am actually ovulating now. But I do have to say that it has not helped with the periods. I normally bleed 10-12 days. Well since starting vitex each period has lasted 10 days but I ended up on both periods getting severe cramping and huge clots....But i am thinking part of this may end up being the fact that I actually ovulated so am legitimately shedding the uterus lining.
Side effects: I really am not sure how to answer this. I can't say there is anything in particular I can point a finger to. For a long time now(before taking vitex) I have been getting dizzy spells so since taking vitex they have become more frequent. So I went to my general dr and had some labs drawn and it looks like I have hypothyroidism. So I am not sure if the vitex is what kicked that into a little bit worse or if my thyroid has said enough is enough get treatment now.
I am still waiting for my visit with the endocrinologist to get this under control and then plan on continuing vitex if allowed by the dr. Until then one pill a day will continue.
I will post a more updated account on taking this product in a few months and see if my cycles become even more regulated. But to summarize Vitex did help me to actually ovulate, just so far Not quite where I need to be :-) But like any medication or vitamins if unsure talk to your DR. First. Good luck!
So just a warning this review is going to be very long and detailed but I feel it will help people make the decision on if this product is right for them.
I started taking Vitex exactly 11 weeks ago. The reason I began Vitex is my husband and I have been trying to conceive. After almost a year of trying I decided to start charting my cycles because even though we were using home ovulation predictor kits we still were not getting pregnant. I normally get my period every 31 days*pretty much exactly* except when I was coming off the pill it was 28 days the first two months. Well After beginning the charting I discovered I had what looked like anvoluntary cycles(my temps where everywhere!) even though I was getting the rise in hormones to show on the predictor kits I wasn't actually ovulating. So after doing some research Vitex seemed like a good way to try and get my progesterone levels to rise high enough to get me to ovulate and hopefully balance out some other hormone issues.
But I can say it didn't work quite like I was expecting it to. The first two weeks I took 1 400mg pill 2x a day(once in the morning and once at night) I then after two weeks went ahead and uped it to 3x a day morning, afternoon and evening. The first month I took it I actually ovulated! BUT super late! If any of you are familiar with charting your cycles you know that you can confirm ovulation from the temps well my temps were still kinda all over the place just like they are with the anovulatory cycles till suddenly boom I ovulated but I didn't actually ovulate until cycle day 35, well along with ovulating so late I had so many pregnancy symptoms! My boobs hurt so bad, I started lactating(yes actually lactating and I have never had a child or been pregnant before) and got a super sensitive sense of smell. All this made me believe I had in fact become pregnant. Well then when I finally did get my period 10 days late (on day 41 this gave me a 5 day Luteal phase) I was crushed. I had thought the vitex would have me ovulate earlier, but instead it had me ovulate just too late in my cylce for it to do any good. So I continued taking it. Well this past month I ovulated for a second time this time on cycle day 31 with only a 3 day luteal phase. No lactation this time I did however get the sensitive boobs but I knew what to look for. BUT this time my temps where actually steady and not all over the place. So I did in fact ovulate a little early but with a shorter luteal phase and still too late in the cycle. So I have to say I like it because I am actually ovulating now. But I do have to say that it has not helped with the periods. I normally bleed 10-12 days. Well since starting vitex each period has lasted 10 days but I ended up on both periods getting severe cramping and huge clots....But i am thinking part of this may end up being the fact that I actually ovulated so am legitimately shedding the uterus lining.
Side effects: I really am not sure how to answer this. I can't say there is anything in particular I can point a finger to. For a long time now(before taking vitex) I have been getting dizzy spells so since taking vitex they have become more frequent. So I went to my general dr and had some labs drawn and it looks like I have hypothyroidism. So I am not sure if the vitex is what kicked that into a little bit worse or if my thyroid has said enough is enough get treatment now.
I am still waiting for my visit with the endocrinologist to get this under control and then plan on continuing vitex if allowed by the dr. Until then one pill a day will continue.
I will post a more updated account on taking this product in a few months and see if my cycles become even more regulated. But to summarize Vitex did help me to actually ovulate, just so far Not quite where I need to be :-) But like any medication or vitamins if unsure talk to your DR. First. Good luck!
Sunday, September 1, 2013
As long as I stay busy things are ok. But the moment I just stop and things slow down I just want to bawl my eyes out. But I'm not sure about what exactly. Is it the over whelming desire to be a Mom? No I don't think so. Is it the wait to get the help I need? Maybe but not sure. Is it just my emotions in general? I don't know I feel like there is just way too much going on right now and I'm not sure where to go from here. I keep telling myself one day at a time. One day I'll be a Mom, one day I'll feel better but ONE DAY isn't coming soon enough.
I think I'm just so tired of the emotional ups and downs that have come over and over again. I just have to wait take a deep breath and keep on plugin. I'll get these huge urges of panic then next thing I know peace like a river washing over me and I'm so grateful for that.
On the pregnant thing I'm thinking about taking a break from Vitex for a while but haven't decided yet. It took this long for me to finally get it into my system. But I guess we'll just have to wait and see.
I think I'm just so tired of the emotional ups and downs that have come over and over again. I just have to wait take a deep breath and keep on plugin. I'll get these huge urges of panic then next thing I know peace like a river washing over me and I'm so grateful for that.
On the pregnant thing I'm thinking about taking a break from Vitex for a while but haven't decided yet. It took this long for me to finally get it into my system. But I guess we'll just have to wait and see.
Saturday, August 31, 2013
Pregnancy plans on hold
I think this post is going to be all over the place....I've been getting so incredibly frustrated the past few days. Actually ever since I found out I'm going to have to go and get on Thyroid medications it's been a up and down emotional roller coaster. I think the main key is I am just so frustrated because I want tings fixed now and moving forward and I have to wait. We decided to hold off on trying to get pregnant until we have this situation under control, obviously if it happens then we will be thrilled but we aren't going to feel stressed about it. I'm not thinking its going to happen since I haven't been ovulating anyway right now.
But one of the weird things is I will literally just start crying at the drop of a hat. I have been getting the dizzy spells more frequently, and after talking with other's who have thyroid issues all of this has to do with hypothyroidism and how my hormones are out of wack.
On the good side of things our insurance plan isn't actually going to change at all just our group number and id number since its from a new work place. So on Tuesday I will be making lots of phone calls to the Dr's office to se up my endocrinologist visit.
Yesterday I talked with my manager to tell her that I had to make an appointment and since its such a long wait list if they will be willing to move my schedule around so I can get in asap. She was super understanding and as it turns out she herself has hyperthyroidism the opposite of what I have. She asked me my lab numbers and did indeed confirmed that I have hypothyroidism. She was able to calm me down and speak about how very easy it is to get under control and just made me feel a lot better.
I also joined a support group on babycenter.com for women who are trying to conceive who have thyroid problems. I posted my numbers and symptoms and all of them said yes its definitely hypothyroidism. As to the how quickly to get it under control its been different for each woman but looking about a few months.
At this point I am just praying that God would give me peace and help me to have it continually throughout the day and not up and down up and down.
I think another thing is I'm trying so hard to just stay positive for Isaac, not only is he so worried about me, even though we know its an easy fix. He sees me get dizzy he sees me tired and he knows that I'm stressed. But now we have to wait to get pregnant witch makes it even harder for us.
He is just so good. He is so strong for me and when he puts his arms around me and prays for me I know everything is going to be ok no matter what. So I just try and keep a hold of these emotions and just take it one step at a time.
So the first step is call the insurance company and the dr on Tuesday and get my appointments set up. It will all work out.
But one of the weird things is I will literally just start crying at the drop of a hat. I have been getting the dizzy spells more frequently, and after talking with other's who have thyroid issues all of this has to do with hypothyroidism and how my hormones are out of wack.
On the good side of things our insurance plan isn't actually going to change at all just our group number and id number since its from a new work place. So on Tuesday I will be making lots of phone calls to the Dr's office to se up my endocrinologist visit.
Yesterday I talked with my manager to tell her that I had to make an appointment and since its such a long wait list if they will be willing to move my schedule around so I can get in asap. She was super understanding and as it turns out she herself has hyperthyroidism the opposite of what I have. She asked me my lab numbers and did indeed confirmed that I have hypothyroidism. She was able to calm me down and speak about how very easy it is to get under control and just made me feel a lot better.
I also joined a support group on babycenter.com for women who are trying to conceive who have thyroid problems. I posted my numbers and symptoms and all of them said yes its definitely hypothyroidism. As to the how quickly to get it under control its been different for each woman but looking about a few months.
At this point I am just praying that God would give me peace and help me to have it continually throughout the day and not up and down up and down.
I think another thing is I'm trying so hard to just stay positive for Isaac, not only is he so worried about me, even though we know its an easy fix. He sees me get dizzy he sees me tired and he knows that I'm stressed. But now we have to wait to get pregnant witch makes it even harder for us.
He is just so good. He is so strong for me and when he puts his arms around me and prays for me I know everything is going to be ok no matter what. So I just try and keep a hold of these emotions and just take it one step at a time.
So the first step is call the insurance company and the dr on Tuesday and get my appointments set up. It will all work out.
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Day by Day
Mathew 6:34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
I just keep trying to tell myself this. Step by Step and day by day. It reminds me of the age old question: "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time."
Today is a good day, today is a day I feel like I am slowly making strides in this seemingly never ending challenge to start a family.
Yesterday I got a phone call from my doctor. She had a chance to personally review my blood work and go over the other symptoms I had listed. She said she normally would have a retest done in 6 months since only one of the two thyroid tests done where flagged but some of my symptoms I have point to hypothyroidism and since I believe this is indeed the reason I am not getting pregnant the she will have me go see and endocrinologist to have my Thyroid checked along with having me schedule with an obgyn to go over my anovulatory cycles and other symptoms. I'm not sure where this will lead but at least I am making strides in the right direction. But now is just a waiting game for being able to get in to said appointment, I wont be able to go see either until October. But she said if I happen to get pregnant in between now and then to call her asap cause she will want to keep an eye on my thyroid levels till I can get in to see the endocrinologist. But I have a feeling that's not going to be happening since that's most likely what has been keeping me from getting pregnant anyway.
I know that God sees the big picture, and I feel good knowing that I have a game plan. If all this works out then maybe everything else will fall into place super soon. And If I do in fact have a thyroid problem it will explain a lot of things I've been struggling with and maybe help me lose some weight and get healthy and of course help me actually ovulate.
I was really blessed and excited by the doctor taking time to really listen to me. She even told me if at any point I have any questions or need anything else to call her.
So I feel good. Today at least. I'm just trusting and believe that everything happens for a reason and every cloud does indeed have a silver lining. Until then I will try to enjoy life, enjoy the journey and just continue to trust and believe that it will happen.
I know it might seem a little strange but knowing it's possibly my thyroid and possibly not an ovary/feminine problem makes me feel so much better and less like a failure. I know in the end it's not something I can control either way but it gives me an excuse and I will gladly take it.
At least I have lots of exciting things to look forward to, in just a few weeks I will be traveling to New York city with my Mom for a wonderful few days.
Until next time
I just keep trying to tell myself this. Step by Step and day by day. It reminds me of the age old question: "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time."
Today is a good day, today is a day I feel like I am slowly making strides in this seemingly never ending challenge to start a family.
Yesterday I got a phone call from my doctor. She had a chance to personally review my blood work and go over the other symptoms I had listed. She said she normally would have a retest done in 6 months since only one of the two thyroid tests done where flagged but some of my symptoms I have point to hypothyroidism and since I believe this is indeed the reason I am not getting pregnant the she will have me go see and endocrinologist to have my Thyroid checked along with having me schedule with an obgyn to go over my anovulatory cycles and other symptoms. I'm not sure where this will lead but at least I am making strides in the right direction. But now is just a waiting game for being able to get in to said appointment, I wont be able to go see either until October. But she said if I happen to get pregnant in between now and then to call her asap cause she will want to keep an eye on my thyroid levels till I can get in to see the endocrinologist. But I have a feeling that's not going to be happening since that's most likely what has been keeping me from getting pregnant anyway.
I know that God sees the big picture, and I feel good knowing that I have a game plan. If all this works out then maybe everything else will fall into place super soon. And If I do in fact have a thyroid problem it will explain a lot of things I've been struggling with and maybe help me lose some weight and get healthy and of course help me actually ovulate.
I was really blessed and excited by the doctor taking time to really listen to me. She even told me if at any point I have any questions or need anything else to call her.
So I feel good. Today at least. I'm just trusting and believe that everything happens for a reason and every cloud does indeed have a silver lining. Until then I will try to enjoy life, enjoy the journey and just continue to trust and believe that it will happen.
I know it might seem a little strange but knowing it's possibly my thyroid and possibly not an ovary/feminine problem makes me feel so much better and less like a failure. I know in the end it's not something I can control either way but it gives me an excuse and I will gladly take it.
At least I have lots of exciting things to look forward to, in just a few weeks I will be traveling to New York city with my Mom for a wonderful few days.
Until next time
Monday, August 26, 2013
Emotional Roller coaster
So today has just been a whirl wind of ups and downs. I heard back from the DRs office about the blood work, it looks like we may have to do more tests, it appears my thyroid may have a problem but the two different tests they ran one came back flagged the other normal. So they want me to wait 6 months and retest....Not happening. Especially not if this is what is possibly linking to the fertility problems. They said they may be able to run a secondary thyroid test.
Its so weird how just the littlest thing can set you off into the emotional roller coaster. You see a baby at a restaurant and laugh at the way they smile at you and then start getting teary eyed because you can't wait to have one of your own.
Last night my husband and I had a really good emotional but yet connecting talk. I told him exactly how I felt and am feeling...but the problem is its a daily struggle. Some days I'm completely fine with absolutely nothing bringing me down and other days I'm frustrated more at my own emotions than anything else, depressed, angry you name it.
But Today I feel good that I may finally be getting answers or at least taking the steps to get answers. All I can think of right now is that No Obstacle is bigger than God and that everything works out in the end.
Romans 8:28 KJV
Its so weird how just the littlest thing can set you off into the emotional roller coaster. You see a baby at a restaurant and laugh at the way they smile at you and then start getting teary eyed because you can't wait to have one of your own.
Last night my husband and I had a really good emotional but yet connecting talk. I told him exactly how I felt and am feeling...but the problem is its a daily struggle. Some days I'm completely fine with absolutely nothing bringing me down and other days I'm frustrated more at my own emotions than anything else, depressed, angry you name it.
But Today I feel good that I may finally be getting answers or at least taking the steps to get answers. All I can think of right now is that No Obstacle is bigger than God and that everything works out in the end.
Romans 8:28 KJV
28 And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
I just have to keep reminding myself of this. I do feel so glad to finally taking steps to make something happen. I would just rather know if something is off and needs to be fixed rather than guessing.
I suppose Time will Tell
I just have to keep reminding myself of this. I do feel so glad to finally taking steps to make something happen. I would just rather know if something is off and needs to be fixed rather than guessing.
I suppose Time will Tell
Sunday, August 25, 2013
An outlet for those trying to get pregnant and struggling.
Well I guess the main course of introduction is as follows. I'm so very tired of trying to pretend I'm okay when I'm not. I figured a blog might be a good start to letting out my emotions of a crazy journey right now. And hopefully get me in touch with some others in the same journey. To laugh together to cry together maybe even just for myself. I'm really not sure how to do this but I figured now was as good a time as any to start. I've always found that when I write something down I can actually be honest. I'm a very positive bubbly person (or at least that's what I'm told over and over again) So when life hands me lemons I normally just make lemonade but sometimes that isn't enough. Sometimes you just want so badly to take that freakin lemon and chuck it as hard as you can right back at life's face.
If you haven't guessed now from the title of the post A lot of this blog is going to be about the incredibly awful emotional roller coaster of trying to conceive. With all the ups and downs I truly believe that God works every single thing out for His glory and for the benefit of His children. But sometimes it just gets so very hard to see it. So I plan on this blog being a few things: An outlet for my current emotions, along with just some great overall ideas and sharings of life in general. I pray that my current problems won't be here forever but I would like to create a place where other readers struggling with the same can come and feel encouraged.
So that being said here we go with my back story:(warning it will be long and detailed)
So this month made it a year that my husband and I have tried and failed to start a family. Through this year we have definitely grown closer thank the Lord, I know for some couples this can have the opposite effect. From the beginning my husband and I have bought the ovulation kits and no luck. So recently a friend of mine allowed me to borrow her book Taking Charge of Your Fertility. So I am now on month four of charting and have discovered I have not only anovulatory cycles even though I got positives on the ovulation kits, my body just isn't getting quite enough progesterone to trigger ovulation. Id have all the symptoms I was going to then nothing. So on the months I have ovulated*the past two I have had extrememly short Luteal phases on the month only 3 days this past month and only 5 days last month. I have to say I'm excited to even see the temperature shift though because it means I'm actually ovulating now*I've been taking Vitex 3x a day* But also so incredibly frustrated that the luteal phase is impossibly short.
I recently, this past Thursday in fact took the plunge to go see a doctor, not a obgyn, not yet. But just a standard general practitioner. I explained I wanted my thyroid checked. Due to certain symptoms including some of the infertility issues I want to see if maybe that's all it is.
I know some of you readers are thinking, why don't you just go see an obgyn, get their opinion. Well for some of you readers on the other side of the spectrum you know it's not quite as simple as just saying ok let's go. There are so many emotions involved. I don't want to admit that I can not get pregnant on my own. I can't do what thousands of women do every year. I can not conceive. So I look into natural remedies, Vitex vitamins to extend the Luteal phase, getting checked out by a regular DR to see if maybe it's my thyroid and not my ovaries.
I try and tell myself every day that it will happen in God's timing but the truth is I am so very tired of God's timing. It use to be that I had good days and bad days. But it seems lately that bad days just seem to be getting more frequent and more frustrating.
You get so tired of having your friends, coworkers or family members asking "So when are you gonna have kids?" It's gotten to a point now I just have to tell them to please stop asking me because I've been trying and am having problems and their constant questions are really frustrating. So finally no one asks anymore, but you know every time they see you they are thinking: I wonder if she's pregnant yet, I wonder if she's really ok.
The answer to that is yes and no. Some days, most days I am ok. But then there are those days you are just tired of making Lemonade.
I get so angry when I see these young girls who get pregnant have a baby then leave it to their parents to raise them while they go off and finish high school. Or to see unfit parents and their horrific stories pop up on the news. It just makes you want to scream.
Why is it that those who shouldn't be able to have children are the ones that seem to have them? Then there is again the other side of the spectrum, close friends, acquaintances, co workers and family members who share with you the wonderfully exciting news with you that they are pregnant. You really are so incredibly happy for them but inside you are also just so jealous. So hurt that you can't be the one sharing that news.
I feel that life really is a journey and maybe God has other plans for us. My husband and I have always wanted to adopt, we actually plan to adopt even if we have our own children. Our lifelong goal is to one day open an orphanage in Africa.
So part of me says well maybe that's why, maybe God has other plans, and you know what maybe he does but it really doesn't make the journey or dissapointment any easier.
I want to be able to experience the wonderful miracle of growing a human being inside of me. I want to be able to look at my husband and say your going to be a Daddy! I want to stop hurting, I want to stop my husband's hurting.
It's not an easy thing to look at the love of your life and tell them...I'm sorry I failed again. Now no he doesn't feel like I failed. But I do. I feel that every month I have to tell him no again a little bit of him breaks inside.
So for now here it is the general story. The feelings that I have. The feelings that I need so badly to vent in regards to my journey to get pregnant...I'm going to try and post here. I know in my heart of hearts that it will happen one day. I can say though I am just so incredibly tired of the wait.
If you haven't guessed now from the title of the post A lot of this blog is going to be about the incredibly awful emotional roller coaster of trying to conceive. With all the ups and downs I truly believe that God works every single thing out for His glory and for the benefit of His children. But sometimes it just gets so very hard to see it. So I plan on this blog being a few things: An outlet for my current emotions, along with just some great overall ideas and sharings of life in general. I pray that my current problems won't be here forever but I would like to create a place where other readers struggling with the same can come and feel encouraged.
So that being said here we go with my back story:(warning it will be long and detailed)
So this month made it a year that my husband and I have tried and failed to start a family. Through this year we have definitely grown closer thank the Lord, I know for some couples this can have the opposite effect. From the beginning my husband and I have bought the ovulation kits and no luck. So recently a friend of mine allowed me to borrow her book Taking Charge of Your Fertility. So I am now on month four of charting and have discovered I have not only anovulatory cycles even though I got positives on the ovulation kits, my body just isn't getting quite enough progesterone to trigger ovulation. Id have all the symptoms I was going to then nothing. So on the months I have ovulated*the past two I have had extrememly short Luteal phases on the month only 3 days this past month and only 5 days last month. I have to say I'm excited to even see the temperature shift though because it means I'm actually ovulating now*I've been taking Vitex 3x a day* But also so incredibly frustrated that the luteal phase is impossibly short.
I recently, this past Thursday in fact took the plunge to go see a doctor, not a obgyn, not yet. But just a standard general practitioner. I explained I wanted my thyroid checked. Due to certain symptoms including some of the infertility issues I want to see if maybe that's all it is.
I know some of you readers are thinking, why don't you just go see an obgyn, get their opinion. Well for some of you readers on the other side of the spectrum you know it's not quite as simple as just saying ok let's go. There are so many emotions involved. I don't want to admit that I can not get pregnant on my own. I can't do what thousands of women do every year. I can not conceive. So I look into natural remedies, Vitex vitamins to extend the Luteal phase, getting checked out by a regular DR to see if maybe it's my thyroid and not my ovaries.
I try and tell myself every day that it will happen in God's timing but the truth is I am so very tired of God's timing. It use to be that I had good days and bad days. But it seems lately that bad days just seem to be getting more frequent and more frustrating.
You get so tired of having your friends, coworkers or family members asking "So when are you gonna have kids?" It's gotten to a point now I just have to tell them to please stop asking me because I've been trying and am having problems and their constant questions are really frustrating. So finally no one asks anymore, but you know every time they see you they are thinking: I wonder if she's pregnant yet, I wonder if she's really ok.
The answer to that is yes and no. Some days, most days I am ok. But then there are those days you are just tired of making Lemonade.
I get so angry when I see these young girls who get pregnant have a baby then leave it to their parents to raise them while they go off and finish high school. Or to see unfit parents and their horrific stories pop up on the news. It just makes you want to scream.
Why is it that those who shouldn't be able to have children are the ones that seem to have them? Then there is again the other side of the spectrum, close friends, acquaintances, co workers and family members who share with you the wonderfully exciting news with you that they are pregnant. You really are so incredibly happy for them but inside you are also just so jealous. So hurt that you can't be the one sharing that news.
I feel that life really is a journey and maybe God has other plans for us. My husband and I have always wanted to adopt, we actually plan to adopt even if we have our own children. Our lifelong goal is to one day open an orphanage in Africa.
So part of me says well maybe that's why, maybe God has other plans, and you know what maybe he does but it really doesn't make the journey or dissapointment any easier.
I want to be able to experience the wonderful miracle of growing a human being inside of me. I want to be able to look at my husband and say your going to be a Daddy! I want to stop hurting, I want to stop my husband's hurting.
It's not an easy thing to look at the love of your life and tell them...I'm sorry I failed again. Now no he doesn't feel like I failed. But I do. I feel that every month I have to tell him no again a little bit of him breaks inside.
So for now here it is the general story. The feelings that I have. The feelings that I need so badly to vent in regards to my journey to get pregnant...I'm going to try and post here. I know in my heart of hearts that it will happen one day. I can say though I am just so incredibly tired of the wait.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)