I made it through yesterday, the due date of our precious little angel baby.  This month I've kept myself so busy I almost forgot what was missing.  Both my brother and this little miracle.  But I got hit with a big wave of grief on Friday and just felt every fiber of myself crying out in despair.  I know that sounds like a line from a novel or movie but I don't really know any other way to describe it.  I kept myself busy and distracted all month and it caught up to me.  This child we lost was going to be our joy in a time of sadness.  A gift in a hard time.  Now it's too empty places in my heart. (For you new readers who haven't started at the beginning: It will be 3 years on October 31st that I lost my youngest brother to whom I was really close
 to suicide).  But I know God's plans are higher than my own and as excited as I am to be where I am right now in our adoption process and as much as I know we are most definitely on the right path I know that it doesn't take away your grief or disappointment.  A loss of a baby will forever be on your mind.

But we are moving forward in love, in loss, in grief and in joy.  I will pursue those kids that God has out there waiting for me with as much gusto and passion as we did getting pregnant.

That being said tomorrow is our safety check and then we enter our very last waiting period before the matching process.  We are so excited to be at this place.  While we don't know what things will look like for us or how it will pan out we do know that His ways are so much higher than our own.  We will not be looking at others for input on who we bring into our family apart from there social workers but we will  continue to ask for prayers.

Tomorrow afternoon I will actually be flying out with little man to my family to spend the anniversary of this loss with loved ones.  It will be a time of memory laughter and love.  I am so looking forward to it.

As we get closer and closer to the end of the hoops we have to jump through(Understandable hoops I want to add) it is beginning to hit us that we will soon have our kid/kids with us forever.  Our family of 3 could become a family of 4,5 or even 6!  Neither Isaac nor I feel scared about this process but rather more determined than anything.  We do know when we get to the point we will be meeting the children we will have a much different attitude.  I know that in general is going to be awkward for everyone.

I feel so bad for these kids who constantly feel like they are required to be on their best behavior.  Who have to try to prove themselves worthy to be adopted.  I really wish I could just take them all and love them all.  I do know though that whoever comes to join our family will be perfect for us.  The missing piece of our puzzle so to speak. 

This past Tuesday we sat in front of our social worker to talk about our marriage and how things brought us here to where we are in our relationship. I have to say I could see how this topic and the questions asked could end up bringing up a lot of things you didn’t even realize was hidden in your relationship. During this process Isaac and I just realized once again after 11 years together how perfect we really are for each other and how through the years, all the hardships: Lack of work, Financial strain, Health issues, Infertility, Miscarriages, Being laid off, Job changes, Loss of loved ones....you name it. But through it all we have fallen more in love with each other. We have focused on each others strengths and making each other stronger. I was actually so proud of us and the way we were able to answer the questions in 100% honesty without fear of offending each other or making each other mad.

Going on this unknown and new adventure is going to be both scary and exciting. We are going to have our ups and our downs but we will go through it all and become even closer. I feel beyond blessed to have this man by my side.

That being said we were told today that we will begin the matching process sometime in January. Between now and then they will be writing up our home study profile: This is what the children’s social workers will read on us to give them not only their first impressions of us but also an idea into who we are and how we would match up with their kids we want to pursue. With this information they are able to have a general idea on if they are willing to let us pursue the children under their care. They try to make the profiles as accurate as possible in order to allow them to really get the full scope on who we are as a couple and How we work together as a family unit. (Hence the very delving questions)

The earliest we will most likely have our new family members in home with us will probably be sometime between February-April area(there really is no way to tell for sure). For now we will continue to cherish every minute we have as a family of 3 while excitedly awaiting the new members to come.

Thank you for following us on this journey and praying with us as our family extends and grows.

I have noticed I keep feeling like I need to justify my feelings.  I need to make my feelings seem a certain way so that if anything where to happen such as:
A) We get pregnant
B) We get placed with a baby
C) We decide never to get pregnant again

I feel like I need to set myself up a certain way so that if people find out my story they will feel like Oh well she's really okay with this.  Oh Well I guess this is why etc;  But truth be told I'm coming to realize I have absolutely no reason to feel like I need to justify myself to anyone.   If one day I wake up and feel like I am willing to let myself even try to be pregnant again than so be it.  But until that day comes there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling and admitting I am not at a place I could handle that anymore.  There is nothing wrong with admitting that I have a hard time even picturing myself with a newborn anymore.

I know that God's ways are so much higher than my own and I know that if somehow somewhere down the line something happens where I end up taking in someone else's baby or having our own then I will know and be reminded of the true miracle that babies are.  But even more than that my  circumstances have shown me how much children, all children of any age, race, etc are a miracle.  They want and need to be loved and to feel wanted.

Our adoption agency recently just shared this video of some of the older children awaiting permanent homes.  They want so badly for some one to give them a shot.  Isaac and I have realized in this process that the more we get into it the older we feel willing to go.  Now being we are both only in our 30s it is hard to picture taking on a 17-21 year old but we are willing to go higher up then we originally thought we would.

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Today 10/6/2017 we had our very first home study with our social worker for adoption. I can't believe we are finally here! We knew we liked our social worker before but today we liked her even more and it was just confirmation that we are in the right place. One thing she said that really stuck out without being prompted was that she knows we have a young son at home so that anytime she begins looking for a match with us that she will start with Ezekiel. That he will take priority above everything else in: Will Ezekiel be safe with this child/children? Will they be a good sibling to him? Can they fit into a dynamic of having a younger sibling etc. Regardless of our feelings if there are any signs or reasons that there might be a red flag in regards to this she will say no. This put our minds at ease as we really know that this is exactly what our hearts themselves were demonstrating.

How are things looking for the future and timing? Admittedly we have no idea about our time frame on when we will have our new family member(s). Out of 300+ kids we were able to narrow it down to around 25/30 that we feel might be a good fit for our family. Our social worker armed with the information she will get as we continue on with the home studies (psychological, emotional and physical assessments on your life, relationship, past, parenting, marriage, home etc;) she will be able to tell more what we will be good at parenting and what kids will click right into our family. She will also be able to tell what trauma or behavioral areas we might be better at helping kids through. That being said I feel like I should share it again: Our children's backgrounds will be theirs. As much as we love our friends and will need support we will also be respecting the background of our kids and only sharing what we feel is appropriate to others. We ask that you respect this.

Once our home studies are complete and matches are made we will meet with social workers of the children who will also interview us and decide if we are a good match for their kids. If they feel we are(depending on the age of the child) they will get a chance to read our family profile the social worker will talk to them about us and if they feel like they want to meet us(or if the social worker feels we are a good fit) then Isaac and I (without Ezekiel) will meet the kids one on one as many times as needed to find out if we all fit together. During these visits they talk to the kids after to find out if they feel as well they would like to be with us or not. The frequency and amount of these one on one visits will vary with every child as will permanent placement timing.

What would we like prayer for?

~Continued prayer that our children are kept safe and able to continue to heal even now before they come to join our family.

~ Prayers and wisdom for the social workers as they begin this matching process and home study assessments for us.

~That we will continue to enjoy the journey. So far we have just been cherishing every moment we can as a family of 3 as that changes and do not want to rush into everything. We have so much peace about the current time frame that everything has been on and just want to continue to remain on that time frame.

This week we will begin our home studies and be one step closer to bringing our children home.  I did realize something however as we begin talking and imagining who will be placed with us.  We both are completely open to any age up when it comes down to it.  It is such an exciting part of this whole program.  A huge step towards our final goal.

This also though opened my eyes once again (I feel like I'm saying that a lot) that if by some chance they called and said they had a placement for us with an infant included we would very seriously consider it.  This in itself shows me it isn't that I don't want a newborn or baby or child of a certain age it is more that I don't trust my body to get myself to that point. 

It's so hard not to think about every one of those kids that could be joining your family and wondering how things are going to be playing out.  Regardless of where we go it will end up being a huge change but one that is worth every second of it.  

Next month my prescription for the clomid will no longer be valid.  I remember thinking most likely I was going to fill it and keep it on hand for when I am ready to have another child.  I had really believed that I would get to a point where I would be willing to try again in the future.  But truth be told the further we get from loosing our children and with Ezekiel growing up the less I seem to want it.  The thoughts of asking Isaac to get a vasectomy have even come to my mind.  I know this is extreme.  I know I'm feeling the way I am due to a couple reasons one being that I really don't feel like I could handle another miscarriage and the second being that honestly: new borns are a lot of work.  I feel selfish for feeling this way as I truly know that all babies are blessings but I also just feel it is not for me anymore.  I'm ready to let go and move on and towards our future. 

Then I am reminded how young we both really are though we don't feel it.  But I know that God really has blessed us with an amazing baby boy and we are about to be blessed with more children.  I know that if He were to bless us with another pregnancy and if it was complication free I would feel beyond blessed.  But at the same time I also already feel that way.  I feel like even on here my mind is going in circles.

But As I said that I am ready to let go.  I am not renewing my script for clomid and feel very strong in this decision.  If I ever do decide no more birth control then it will be at a time when I am willing to just not try but also not prevent.  Beyond that though I just don't have any desire at all to actively pursue getting pregnant.  As I have said though in my other posts that especially now knowing that it would cause the adoption to be put on hold we are just not ready or willing for that to happen. 

I guess that is really what I have wanted to share.  I see it almost like another confirmation that we are on the right track.  I'm not running to have it filled nor having second thoughts about it.  I will continue to press forward in this.

We are also approaching yet another year when we lost Nathan.  I told Isaac I want to take the day off and have us all just go out to eat together and take time as a family to just cherish each other.  So that is what I plan to do.  I miss him so much.  I'm saddened over and over again by the fact I will never get to talk to him face to face.  He will never meet my son.  I miss that laugh and the sarcastic sense of humor.  I wish I could hug him one more time.  

The past few days have been extremely insightful for me.  I wont say that this is where I will be forever but with where we are right this moment I feel like I had another confirmation on what I feel we are supposed to do right now in regards to a family.

We met another amazing couple who lives just a few miles down the road from us and are going along this same journey too.  They are also with the same agency we are with and overall have a very similar journey to us.  But they found out they are expecting a miracle baby and are 12 weeks along.  That being said neither of us had any idea but our agency has a policy that if you become pregnant they want you to wait till the baby is 6 months old before you continue into the matching process.  This is to ensure that the children are able to get your attention and to allow you to rest and be able to give all you can to the children coming into your home.

When she shared this with me I immediatly began to stress.  And I mean the thought of even being pregnant scared me.  What if we had timed sex wrong.  What if we got our miracle baby and then ended up having to put things on hold to be able to adopt.  All these thoughts and emotions coming to mind.  It made me realize that I really know this is what God wants us to do right now and I just need to trust in Him.  If for some reason I ended up getting pregnant that in and of itself would be a miracle so I will know that He is in control.  But when my period did come I felt such relief that I know we need to prevent every time until we are placed with our children.  Adoption is my heart right now.  I keep seeing older children out in public and I can't help but smile and begin talking with Isaac or whomever I am with about having them enter our home.  Things we can do.  Traditions we can start. 

Then today at Church my friend was there with her amazingly adorable 4 week old and she began talking about how she isn't getting any sleep and How she is exhausted and I just remembered how hard it really is with a newborn.  How it really is so worth it but at the same time so much more work then my little explorer who is out in the world.  But then I thought of the baby snuggles.  Of the amazement of watching them grow learn and letting their personalities come out.  I'm not ready and definitely do not want to be pregnant right now.  I want to adopt my older children and as many as I can.  But maybe I will feel differently one day.  But until then I will embrace where I am.  I will love others where they are.  I will follow the path God calls me to. 

Moving Forward

Today we did it.  We completed the final adoption class and made a beautiful announcement to our friends and family.  We also of course had to document the occasion with a picture of her signing the paper of completion and handing us our very last certificate.

Here is our beautiful announcment:

Hammon Party of 3?  Not for long!

Today We completed the last required class in order to proceed with adopting. Adopting you say? WHAT?! That is right. There are many reasons we have decided to keep this off of facebook until now. The main one being that as we go through this process we wanted to know that we were following what we knew was the right path for us without a lot of outside interference or persuasion one way or another. Isaac and I have always planned to adopt long before we were even married. Before we were pregnant with Ezekiel we had actually started looking into it and how we would go about it. After getting pregnant with Ezekiel and all the hardships that entailed with that we decided we where not going to try to prevent another pregnancy and would even welcome getting pregnant again with the idea being that regardless what happened (getting pregnant or not) we would begin the process when he turned two. In the end the pregnancy we hoped for ended up not happening until only a few months before Ezekiel's second birthday. Timing wise we decided to wait since we wanted to give 100% when the time comes to adopt into integrating the new family members. After we lost our baby and the grief that comes with that we decided we needed to take time separately to process, heal, pray and figure out if God wanted us to go back to our original timeline. We didn’t want this to be something to replace the loss in the timing department. We wanted to make sure that we were both in the same mind frame without influencing each other one way or another. So that is what we did. I’m so grateful we decided to do it this way. It was in this time that God revealed himself to us in an ever deeper way through healing and direction. After about a month we came together and both knew beyond a doubt that this was indeed what step and timing that God was calling us toward. Only with a twist: we both knew we were supposed to adopt older Children. We loved our babies we have lost so much and they weren’t even fully formed. Yet every day there are kids out there who day after day feel the rejection that ensues without having a family to call their own. We believe there are specific children that are meant to be with us and sooner rather than later and that this is why God has us on this timeline. I suppose now would be a good time to tell you a little bit about who will be joining our family. To put it very simply: We do not know yet. We are just entering the home study and matching process. What we do know is this. We are: 1- Supposed to adopt local(Pennsylvania) 2- Adopt from the foster care system 3- Be willing to take in older children and siblings We are working with The Children's Home of Pittsburgh and as of today have officially completed all the classes we need in order to move forward into the home studies and matching process. I'm sure a lot of you are scratching your heads having no idea what this means even still so I would like to share a little more in depth. The children's home of Pittsburgh works primarily with children ages 6 and up. They also work with sibling pairs that can range in ages. The children we are looking to adopt being that they are older already have dealt with the tremendous loss of having the parental rights of their biological parents terminated and the trauma they have endured to get to that point. This means there is less legal risk in regards to the fear of having them taken from us or placed back with the family. But it also means that these kids have been through trauma, loss and hardships that many adults have never even had to face. We are open to siblings (something that our agency tries to keep together and we love). We have been asked many times when people find out we are in the process of do you have a specific child in mind? To be honest we have begun the search to find our new family member and this is where we would ask for prayer. One of the things we love about our agency is the fact that 1- They value the children. If they do not feel like you are going to be a good fit for these children then they will tell you no. 2- They are very thorough when it comes to the matching process. Beginning in the next few weeks will be our home studies. This is where we will sit down with our social worker and they will get to know us...really get to know us on a psychological and personal level. We have done so many questionnaires, classes, etc; to give them a look into who we are but these home studies will go more in debt to see who would be the best fit for us and us for them. 3- Because the kids are older some of them actually get a say in what they are looking for in a parent. We actually love this. If a child doesn't feel like they will connect with us then we want that child to have the freedom to say no. What does this mean for the future? PRAYER...lots and lots of prayer. Isaac and I both feel in our hearts that there is someone or several kids that are specifically meant to be with our family and we are determined to find them. Love them. Help them heal in any way they need it. We want when they walk into our home to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we love them unconditionally and we aren't going anywhere. They are meant to be with us. So we would ask that you pray with us in these ways: 1- That we would follow God's leading in timing and placement. 2-That our social workers and the childcare’s social workers would have wisdom and guidance to tell us no or yes if a situation is meant to be. 3- Clarity. We honestly just wish we could take them all. We love every single child/young adult who we have gotten to know through this process and it is so hard to say no. But we must also be realistic and know that no is not a bad thing if it means that child can be placed with someone else better for them. 4- That we would have the wisdom, patience and love necessary to help these children heal through whatever it is that they have gone through. We want them to know from the MOMENT they walk into our home to stay with us that they are ours. That they are loved unconditionally. They are wanted and that we are there for them. From the moment those children walk into our home they are OUR children. We will not introduce them or treat them as anything but that and respectfully ask that you treat them like that as well. We are open to any race, gender, age, background, religion, sexual orientation etc; and want you to know that these kids regardless of how the outside might perceive them are going to be loved unconditionally by us. We know this can be hard for some people to understand, so please ask questions. Don’t make assumptions or judgements and we will try to answer any questions and keep you in the loop if interested.

We have come to discover going through this process that nothing is set in stone. Even the preconceived ideas we had are kind of thrown out the window. There is no way to say for sure that we will experience x,y, z as we go through this process. But I can tell you that we will cherish every prayer and any bit of support we can receive from any of you. We are excited for this new adventure and know it will be a completely new normal we have to grasp. We will follow God's timing in this and trust that He will give us peace when the situation is right.

A few weeks ago I wrote to a letter to my bioloigical mother on here.....Just last week I was given the  opportunity to send another one.  She called me on Monday very upset and began to cry telling me she just needed to know if we wanted her to disapear or if we actually wanted her to be a part of our life.  The conversation itself was actually not very good  and in the end she hung up on me but it made me realize that she needed to hear what I've discovered in myself:  Forgiveness.

So The next morning I got up early and wrote her a letter.  I began it hand written where I began to just tell her about who I was.  I took it in the approach as someone who just found out their bioligical parents address and decided to reach out to them.  I told her I didn't feel like she knew me...the real me at all.  I told her about how Isaac and I met.  About our trouble conceiving and staying pregnant.  I then told her about the adoption.   And then Ezekiel started waking up and I had to stop.  So the next day I continued the letter by typing it and here is what I said:

Hello Again. I really didn't like that I did not have time to finish my last letter so I sat down during Ezekiel's nap and after work tonight to finish it. I hope you can forgive me for typing this letter versus the hand written one you should have already received. I always felt typed letters were definitely not as personable as hand written, but for me it is faster. To try and make it a little more personal I am including those pictures I promised a few months ago. I apologize it took so long to get to you. There really is no excuse for it.

So starting off I guess in the same way that the last letter was I suppose I can continue to tell you a little bit about who I am. Besides the obvious: your daughter who is a 30 year old mom.

I love to read. My favorite books are murder mystery and Science Fiction fantasy books. I also love to paint(this I know you already know since I sent you several paintings years ago). I however don't get much time for it anymore but when I finally do sit down to paint I always remember how much I love it. I'm definitely out of practice though. My favorite drinks would be coffee and red wine. I like my coffee to taste like coffee. Not black but not a lot of cream or sugar. As to wine I prefer it on the drier side if it is too sweet I have no interest. Movies: well that is actually interesting. I'm the type of person once I see a movie I remember almost every detail so have no desire to watch it again for another couple years. The only movie I can say I absolutely love and will watch it several times a year is The Nightmare Before Christmas. I absolutely love this movie! I really like almost all of Tim Burton’s movies. I've already gotten Ezekiel to sit down and watch it with me.

Let's see what else.....Originally before going to hair school I had started college for pastoral ministry. I realized this was 100% not for me. I feel like the religious world, church's, organizations etc; put way too many things in white and black. It is a huge universe and I feel like it was almost trying to put God in a box. I suppose this is a good time to get into who I am spiritually. I am a Christian. I believe in miracles, hearing from God, callings etc; But I also believe in being non judgmental and loving people where they are. Not pushing my beliefs on everyone. I am proud to have friends who are wicken, atheist, agnostic, gay, etc; I love everyone for who they are NOT for who others think they should be. I would like to state though that not judging someone for their lifestyle is not the same as putting up boundaries and protecting yourself from things you don't want in your own life. I believe a relationship is either edifying for you or tears you down. You can't have it both ways. That being said I want you to know me...the real me not the surface girl I am when I talk on the phone with you. When you called me the other day upset you asked me if I want a relationship with you or would I prefer you to go away. The answer gets a little complicated. I absolutely want a relationship with you. The sober you that has called me and made me laugh, or had cried on my shoulder. When you called me the other day and told me how you feel I respect that. I appreciate your honesty. I want you to be honest about things that hurt or that your going through but also interested in me and what my life entails. You are not the victim. You need to stop beating yourself up for the past and move forward to a better you. I hold nothing against you so you shouldn't either. You don't have to be afraid that I won't love you or will stop talking to you when you respect my boundaries. It was in those sober conversations I always had hope for a relationship beyond the phone call every couple months. One of the reasons I never call is because I don't know how you would be if I did (sober or not). You might be thinking but I don't drink or do (insert here) but from our past relationship and our past experiences(some of which I really doubt you even remember) I hope you can understand why it is hard to trust you. Even on pain pills your mind begins to slip a little. I feel like you might be searching your mind wanting an example so I will give you a brief one that comes to mind. I believe you were with a guy named Don at the time...you called me definitely not sober to tell me he stole a wedding ring he gave you to sell it for something, he has a meth lab in the garage that you didn't know about but the police just raided but they left you alone because you can't go down into the garage/basement so you didn't know it was there ect; You were so upset and kind of out of it you actually scared me. I called you the next day...you didn't even remember the conversation. We have actually had a lot of conversations like this. Conversations where you have lied, or backtracked, or speaking to me not in a clear mind. I know 100% what went on with the custody battle between you and Dad. And I know a lot more than you ever wanted me to know But if you are willing I do want to move forward. I hold nothing against you. And I forgive you. I do want a relationship but one built from scratch. From this day forward. Cant we start over? I'm willing to as long as we can adhere to these boundaries: Do not call me if you are not sober . Respect the fact that I need to get to know you before I have you become a part of my husband and children's lives. You are my mother, but your also a stranger. I want to change that if your willing to work towards it. If your going to be in my life I will draw the healthy boundaries needed to keep my emotions and relationships in a good place and as we grow to get to know one another I will allow you into other aspects of my life.

I think the one thing that anyone who gets to know about me should know is that I hate being lied to. I would rather know the truth about something then for someone to lie to either make themselves feel better or try to be on my good side. It just makes me loose respect for the person lying to me. Truth always comes out in one way or another. And being I honestly and truly don't judge people where they are I don't understand the need to lie.

I guess after all that heavy talk I should move on and tell you a little bit about my job. I am a hairdresser but more than that I am actually a stay at home Mom for the most part. I am home with Ezekiel all day and go to work two nights a week and Saturdays when Isaac can be home with Ezekiel. We love this because he never has to be with babysitters or in daycare. Once we have the new children in our home I will probably have to cut back my hours even more so that we can learn to function together as a family.

I suppose with that being said I can go back to the adoption since that is where I had to leave you rather abruptly in the last letter. Ever since I can remember I have always wanted to adopt. I knew that this was in my heart since the very beginning. In fact when I got to the age of dating if a guy told me they didn't know if they wanted to adopt or travel for missions work....they were immediately put in the friends zone. I just knew that this was a calling for me. I think that is part of what attracted me to Isaac so much. We met traveling, working with orphans and I knew he already had a heart for this. As to why we are pursuing older children. It's because it is the older children who know exactly what is going on. They are feeling the rejection over and over again when they walk into a new foster home and are forced to leave or abandoned yet again by another person. We want when the child who walks into our home to know that they are loved for EXACTLY who they are and that we are there for them. They don't have to be afraid anymore. It is also harder for these kids to get adopted since so many people are not willing to continue therapy, counseling etc; for them if they need it or to work through behavioral issues that arise from their past abuse. But we have been taking classes and preparing ourselves to the very best of our ability on how to help these children who will be coming into our home. We are excited, nervous and yet ready. I won't be sharing much if anything about the children we take in with anyone for a while. We need to respect their past and help them move forward into our family. We will be taking time with just us learning how to connect and work together before we introduce them to anything beyond us.

I feel like I have kind of given you a good if not brief idea of who I am. But I feel like I need to say again. I really do love you. I hold nothing against you and want you to become the best woman you can be. You can't go back and change the decisions you have made already but we can work towards a brighter future.

Included are some pictures we took as family photos when Ezekiel turned one but also Pictures we just took last week of him and myself together. I really do love you Mom. I really do not hold anything against you and really would love to have our relationship turn around for the better.

With Love,

~Devin


I feel like this was so important for me.  I needed to say what I said.  And I believe she needed to hear it.  It was almost a week before I heard back from her but when she called me yesterday she opened up in a way I was so impressed with.  She told me that she was sorry for everything.  That she knows in the past that she has in fact called me when she was not sober and that is the first time in 30 years that she has every taken responsibility for actions.  She agreed to adhere to the boundaries.  She wants to try to get clean.  She wants me in her life.  I was so happy to hear it.  But at the same time I don't expect change.  It has already been 30 years.  I pray that action will speak louder than words.  

But it is amazing and so freeing that I am able to let go.  I really to love her(something I was able to say for the first time in years)  But the boundaries are there and they shall not change.   

I suppose time will tell and I really hope it goes for the better.  She only lives 6 hours away and the desire to go and see her has been getting stronger.  But I know that will open up a whole side of our relationship I'm not sure I'm ready for yet.  So we shall see.  I will continue to reach out to her and let her know updates on my life.  I really want the change so badly to happen but also know I can't expect it.  
Regardless of what happens I just want her to have healing in her own life.  To stop going down this rabbit hole of destruction.  I just want her to heal. 

I feel as if I have needed to write this letter for quite a while but have put it off due to the hardship of it.  Many of you know my background when it comes to my relationship with my biological mother.  There is none.  I am 30 years old and in my life I have seen her when I was 5, 13 and 16.  I was taken from her custody when I was around a year and a half/two years old due to drugs and alcohol and suspected abuse.  Throughout my childhood we talked on the phone every couple months.  I remember even during those times that I the conversations where full of blame, manipulation and guilt.  Things like why don't I write her more often.  Why don't I talk my parents into giving me the money to come visit her since she's poor and they aren't.  As I got older the conversation would come only when she was either drunk or high.  She would ask for money, tell blatant lies (that I would know where lies)  or admit to things and have no memory of it our next conversation.  About 10 years ago I had enough.  I drew my boundaries in the sand and said that I would no longer talk to her if she was drunk or high.  That if she wanted a relationship with me that I was indeed here but that it would only take place if and when she was sober.  That has been our rule ever since and for the most part she has respected it though not always.  I normally hear from her maybe once a year, sometimes twice a year.  She will call me when she is doing well and she will call me often.  She will sound so full of life and ready to tackle the world.  The phone calls will come almost every day or every other day then get further and further apart and then the last phone call will always sound/or end the same.  She will slur words make no sense then ask for money(most of the time contradicting what she has said before) .  I will tell her no she will apologize promise to never ask again Sometimes I will get a phone call directly out of rehab or some kind of hospital treatment.   Turn more into me myself giving her money(which I would refuse every time).

I feel I needed to share that back story with you in order for you to understand where I am coming from with the rest of this post.  Recently during the adoption classes they have talked with us about the parents of these children.   How you need to be careful to not speak harshly of the parents or angrily.  Despite what these children have been through they still love them.  They talked of how a lot of them are coming from cycles of abuse themselves so they have done the only thing they actually know how to do.  It was wrong, it was painful but it is all they know.  They were teaching us to show grace to these parents who's lives are now forever changed with the loss of their children from their own actions.  Their dirty laundry is laid out for all the world to see.  Upon taking these classes and hearing those things it is so hard to not have things trigger or remind me of my own past experiences.  It made me realize that I have held onto a lot of bitterness and resentment against her.  I judge her for how she chose to live her life.  It is hard not to be angry.  But this anger does no good.  It doesn't hurt her for I will never tell her; because she would never understand.  So I have been thinking of writing her a letter telling her I forgive her...but I don't want to actually send it to her.  I fell that she would feel it's more of an attack and an accusation against her then what it is meant to be.  She still has never been able to take responsibility for loosing custody of us.  So I choose to write the letter anyway.  Only I will write it here.  I will release her because she is loved.  She is hurt.  And though she will never be a part of my life again past the phone calls once or twice a year I wish no ill will against her.  I choose to love her where she is but to release her at the same time.  I want to let go of the past 100% for in doing so there is healing.  I can't expect or want the children we are bringing into our home to get healing and forgiveness unless I can give it myself.

To the woman who gave me birth,

I guess first I should thank you for the life you gave me.  Having my own son has taught me the true miracle of conception, pregnancy and what it truly is to give birth.  Second I suppose I should also thank you for letting me go.

I could sit here and say you didn't fight for me.  But in truth I think you did the best you could.  Life was against you through your addiction and mentality.  You began a battle against yourself and still have yet to learn how to win.  

I choose to hold nothing against you.  I was raised and loved by a wonderful woman who I have the honor to call Mom.  Though I know that hurts you it has become a huge blessing to myself.  I gained a family.  A true family.  

I know you have been hurt and abused in your past.  I know you still haven't let go or moved on from those things.  I pray you can find peace and find the way to break the cycle of abuse in your own life.  You are worth far more than you allow yourself to be.  

God created you with beauty in mind.  And those moments you call me in your sobriety: its in those moments where you are so full of life.  That I can see the reflection of the woman you could be.  THAT is how He intended you to live every single day.  That is how he intended you to feel.  It is in those moments the memories come back to haunt you and you feel overwhelmed, guilty, sad whatever it is and you give up again.  I won't call you weak.  I won't call you a disappointment.  What I know is you are lost.  And when you get lost you go down that rabbit hole of your own mind not caring who you pull down with you or what consequences will come from it  for all you want is escape.

And I forgive you for that.  I forgive you for using the only defense mechanisms you yourself have ever learned (lying, cheating, stealing manipulating).  I forgive all of it.  I choose to look past those faults and to focus on the beauty that is within.  The beauty that I pray one day will emerge.  

But I stand by the boundaries I laid out before.  I can not allow you into my life as you are.  I will love you and pray for you but from a distance.  If you ever decide to make a permanent change I won't promise that we will be close.  I can't promise that I will ever have a mother daughter relationship with you.  But I do promise that I will encourage you to get even better.  I will be honest with you when your ready about those things that you did to hurt me so that healing can take place.  But I will not do it from a place of anger.   I will not judge you for where you came from or where you are.  But out of love.
I will pray for you.  I will love you.  I forgive you. 

~Your Daughter whom you lost 

Apparently my last post decided to never actually make it here onto the site so I apologize for the seemingly silence that has come your way.  Lately I'm having a bit of emotions I'm just not sure how to process them so what better way then on here.  I have been playing with the idea that once we are in the matching process of  our adoption or maybe once we get to the part where the child/children are in our homes to go back to not trying/not preventing and if God decides to give us another miracle then so be it.  But then that brought me to all sorts of questions on am I really ready for that?  Could I really put myself back out there like that?  What about all the emotions and pain that comes with everything if I where to loose it again.  I begin to compare the numbers:  4 pregnancies 1 child.  The odds seem very stacked against me.

Then just this past week I had a friend send me a picture of a positive pregnancy test sharing that they are expecting.  And it made me wonder even more so how I would feel getting a positive test again.  And I honestly don't know.  I really feel like I would be so afraid of loosing the baby that I wouldn't be willing to even open myself up or admit I was even pregnant until I could feel movement or was at a point of viability.  It's so much to take in and so much to think about.  Then a few days later(today actually) a good friend of mine who I see on a regular basis sent a text that she might be induced in the next week unless she goes into labor on her own.  And the thought of that should be me thinking of how close we are comes unbidden.  I wanted my baby so much.  I still do.  But he/she is gone and I won't ever get them back.  The next couple months are going to be hard for me.  I have three friends I see on a regular basis: One due in August and one in September(they will be holding newborns at the same time I should have) since I was due in October.  And now I have one who is pregnant.  I am so happy for them!  Yet I'm feeling a sense of loss.

I think it is easy for people to forget I'm still dealing with this loss and hurting.  I'm moving forward towards adoption yes....but I'm still grieving my loss.  It's been four months and I still have ptsd thinking about being there in the hospital on my own while my body began pushing out a baby that I wanted so badly to have.  I'm excited for adoption.  I'm ready to pursue and love these children who will be joining our family.  And because of that and when I talk about that I think people might think: "Oh good, she's moved on."  But the truth is you don't move on from this.  You simply pick yourself back up and press on.  You fight every day to make it count.  To give it meaning and a purpose. 

All my losses have taught me how valuable life truly is.  It has taught me the truth that children are indeed a miracle.  And so I want to love those kids who are older who need someone to protect them.

I know it seems like I'm jumping back and forth but I think that is appropriate since my mind seems to be doing that exact thing.  I am  excited as we are getting closer and closer to the home studies and matching process.   It seems like conflicting emotions fight and battle over my heart.  I am happy for my friends, sad for myself yet excited for my family all at the same time.

I suppose to get back to what the very beginning of this post was: I honestly don't know if  I will ever be healed enough where I can be at a place where I want to put myself back out there to try and get pregnant again.  I hope I will.  It's almost like I can look at myself from an outside perspective and see a lot of hurt, anger and distrust.  I do not trust my body to not betray me again if I were to get pregnant.  Therefore I don't even want to give it the opportunity.  I think to myself but this time could be different.  But then I remember I had that conversation before I lost my other babies.  I know this is a lot to take in and a lot to process and I'm having difficulty putting it into words so I wanted to put it here. 

~~~~~~~
We will be attending another class on Saturday and after that all we have left to complete is one more class(scheduled for August) and an online certification.  After that is all completed we will be able to move forward with the home studies and then begin the matching process.  We have already gone through all the children's profiles and want to take them all home if we could.  I have a very good outlook I feel like on all this that if the children we decide we want to pursue end up being placed up for adoption before we get to that point them really it is a win win for everyone.  The child has a loving home and another child will get a chance to be loved.  Right now we are just praying for God to direct the hands of the social workers, ourselves and the child social workers to help us make the right match.  We want to be the best parents we can be to whomever is placed with us. 

For now I will fight for those kids who have no one to fight for them.  In doing so I hope my heart can heal and slowly mend together.  Because it isn't about me.  Its about those children.  

I'm realizing more and more every day just how betrayed I have felt by the entire situation of loosing our baby.  I feel like that can be an eye roll or a pat on the shoulder accompanied by: "Of course you do."  But I have to be honest the extent that it goes surprises even me.  The idea of even allowing my body the chance of getting pregnant just makes me freeze and wonder: "Why would you even do it?"  Not because I wouldn't want another baby.  In fact if I could get pregnant tomorrow and guarantee that it would be a healthy pregnancy I believe I would most likely jump at the chance, or at least deeply consider it.  Since I wouldn't want to stop the adoption process since I know we are on the right path with that.  But it's the mere idea and realization that I have now been pregnant 4 times.  I have been over the moon 4 times and I only have one child.  If I where to get a positive pregnancy test I really and truly doubt that  I would be able to be happy about it until I knew 100% that that baby would make it to term and that the baby was healthy.  I feel I've been burned too many times and if this past experience taught me anything it is that there is no way to guarantee that things will be okay.  Part of me feels I'm being ridiculous.  That I should embrace the chance(however slight that may be) for the miracle that is pregnancy.  But I just can not do it.   I feel broken, incomplete physically and I don't trust my body anymore.

 I felt we where in a really good place emotionally before getting pregnant.  I genuinely did not care if it happened one way or another but then when we got pregnant I suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of protection for this little being that wasn't even formed yet.  And then it was taken away from me with no warning after over 9 weeks of excitement, planning and bliss.  Just like that my whole view of pregnancy 100% changed.  I used to feel it was a blessing.  A promise of things to come.  Now I have a hard time viewing it beyond being a burden, stress and a start of anxiety.  This is NOT saying the end result is how I view that.  In fact no child born is a mistake, a burden or a stress.  Any child born is a gift of God.  But it's amazing how I've come to really realize that the actual act of having a complete pregnancy is a miracle.  A true miracle.  I know I'm probably rambling and some of you have your hands over your mouths wondering how on earth could she be saying this.  I'll tell you how:  Grief.  It is a wave that hits with sadness, anger, acceptance over and over again in different orders.  I have learned to allow myself to process them as these orders come.  I guess the point of this is that I've realized I'm not all okay.  I am still hurting and broken and have scars that reach incredibly deep with this.  And you know what: that is okay.  I can move forward with my life but still mourn my loss.  I can allow myself to feel the sadness and yet heal as we move forward. 

And speaking of moving forward.  We have begun diving into our books  on adoption and have been learning so much. 

We also began our required classes and both found them so interesting and helpful.  I loved how they used hands on demonstrations in order to help you understand a little bit more what these kids have been through and how the trauma they have endured has effected them.

We are also grateful that we are spreading them out a little bit in order to give us more time to digest the information, read the books and get into the mindset that we are prepared to tackle whatever problems might arise.  It was 8 hours in a classroom but to be honest it didn't bother me in the least(except our back on those chairs).  In a way it was the most interesting date we have had in a very long time.

We know we are on the right path with this and are trying to keep an open heart and mind on the things that God is giving us. 

It's been a while since I've written.  But mainly that is just due to a lack of things to talk about.  Isaac and I have slowly but surely been getting our ducks in a row to move forward with the adoption.  We have our first big 9 hour class next Saturday.  All in all we are both feeling really blessed and excited about the whole process.  We know it's going to take a lot of work and going to be hard but we also know that we are doing the right thing.


We started reading a book together on how to relate and help kids who are adopted heal.  It has been very insightful for us to know that things we would consider normal that we can do with Ezekiel might not go over as well with an adopted child and why.  It has been very eye opening.

I'm keeping this blog entry brief just wanted to give a shout out to my readers and let you know we haven't forgotten about you.  We are indeed still moving forward we just haven't had much to report beyond paper work.  But starting next week that will change. 

I will definitely be making an effort to write more as we get in the throws of everything. 

Probably the most important papers I have ever held in my life. We filled out all our adoption application tonight. Sending it in Monday.  It brings tears of joy to my eyes.  I'm so blessed and so excited to be going down this path with my best friend.  It's so encouraging to see how excited Isaac is with everything.  It's almost like we are pregnant together in a sense and it's an exciting and relieving experience.  Before when It was me trying to get pregnant I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders.  Now I feel so much peace and joy as we run at this as equal partners. It's beyond amazing.

Orientation

Last night was step on in our adoption process:  The orientation.

It was so nice to put a face to the names of the social workers that we will be partnering with in this process.  It also gave us so much information we didn't have before and gave us an opportunity to ask questions.

During this time they showed us a video about the children who are older who are awaiting adoption.  It just confirmed to us that we are on the right path.  Those kids no matter that they are older are still just kids.  One kids story in particular just hit home.  He was 16 and in the 16 years that he has been in foster care he has only celebrated 2 Birthdays and 4 Christmas with a family.  He stated that he really just wanted a family in order to have the emotional support that goes with it.  Another child  12 years old stated she wanted a family because she wanted to feel special.  That just made me want to take her in my arms and let her know you are special regardless of your situation.

The social workers reiterated that yes these children are older and they have some sort of trauma background.  But when it comes to it they are still children.  They need someone to love them for who they are and to help them heal.

It was just once again confirmation for us that we are on the right path.

Originally we thought that we would just stick with Pennsylvania.  However we found out this agency has access to the nationwide foster care network and if we choose to pay for the home study ourselves versus having the state pay for it we are able to adopt from out of state as well.  This is something we are seriously considering since this would allow any child who we be a good match for our family to be considered.

It's a lot to take in and a lot to think about but again we both feel we are on the right path and know that this is the direction we are supposed to go.  

Registered

Over the last few weeks Isaac and I have felt more and more that we are ready to pursue adoption this year.  We weren't sure how we were going to feel as time went on and were thinking we would need to wait until after the orientation to move forward but when we sat down and went over all the papers and class schedules we realized that if we where going to do it this year that we wanted to sign up sooner rather than later.  Especially since a few of the required classes that we could attend are limited.

I reached out to the agency and asked if they would be willing to make an exception for us on registering for the classes before orientation and to my surprise they did.  We are now signed up for everything, have a sitter lined up for Ezekiel and overall are ready to move forward.  As long as everything works out as we have planned we will have all of the classes done by the end of August and after that all we have left to do is the 5 home study/evaluation classes, which we hope to have done soon after.  Our goal would be to start the matching process by Christmas at the latest. 

We both feel really good about this decision.  It's amazing how God has been working this in our hearts for so long that now that the time has finally come to move forward we are ready to spring into action.

My heart is excited for this change and anxious at the same time.  I want to continue to be the best mother I can be to Ezekiel while also being there 100% for whatever child/children join our home.  This is definitely a new adventure and one that I know is going to be full of its own kind of ups and downs.

This is not to say that I am healed and over the pain of our loss.  I certainly am not.  But that doesn't mean that I can not move forward in the vision and calling that God has placed on our family.  And I plan to do just that.  


God I ask that you would prepare our hearts to receive the knowledge that you will impart to us through these classes.  I ask that you would give us all the tools we need to be supportive and help bring healing to the children that come to us.  I ask for wisdom for the social workers as they go through the matching process with us.  I ask for discernment as we face decisions we have never had to face before.  I ask that you open all doors you want open and close those you want closed.  We thank you for it Lord  ~Amen

This right here just makes me so angry! It also reminds me of what was lost and rips the band aid right back off. This is the hospital bill I get to pay for absolutely nothing(only $405 less then the labor and delivery fee I paid for Ezekiel). Only this time there will be no baby joining us on the ride home.  I think a lot of people look at me and say wow she's doing so good.  She's keeeping a positive outlook and to be honest for the most part yes I am.  I am blessed with an amazing support system and a vision for the future which helps get me through every single day.  But you know what.  I'm still grieving.  I still think about the fall and how my two friends will be walking into Church with their new babies and I won't have mine.  I try to tell myself I'm not "pregnant" but in a different way(through adoption) but in reality nothing can replace that loss.  Today is very emotional.  I will get past it and continue to move forward but truth is....it stings.  It hurts and is so hard to feel.  But I need to feel in order to heal.  So I will let myself be sad because through that I will find peace. 

Yesterday I had a slight melt down.  Maybe melt down isn't the right word but right before work we received a break down of the hospital bill for our miscarriage.  It's only $500 less than the labor and delivery fee from when I had Ezekiel.  I realized I was going to be paying so much money for nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  And I broke.  I began to cry and be frustrated with the entire situation.  Isaac and I decided to just take the money we have put aside in savings and pay it off in order to spare the emotional trauma of every month sending in a check to the hospital or making a monthly payment as it would only serve as a constant reminder of what happened.  Again though I began to think of us adopting and bringing in a child in need and it blessed my heart.  I want this so badly.  I know in my heart it is the right decision for us.

Isaac and I finally sat down together and went over the adoption information that the agency sent us.  We both feel really good about them.  We also both are seeming to lean to wanting to start everything this year at some point.  We came up with a list of questions to go over with them. 

So there it is:  The small current update on our situation. 

Three stars to represent our three losses.  On the foot to represent moving forward.  I'll never forget those due dates:. April 22(you would have been two years old). June 15th (You'd just be turning a year old just a few days before your older brother turns two). October 28th (We would have been greeted by your sweet face).  Life moves forward and we are following God's leading into the next chapter and journey of our lives.  We don't exactly know what's ahead but we do know it will be AMAZING.

Today you would have turned 2 years old....or if you came early like Ezekiel you would have already turned two.  It's amazing how a date can just sneak up on you:

 April 22nd

June 15th

October 28th

These are the due dates of our angel babies.  Today I was so glad to be busy at work to help pass the time and not think about the date.  To be honest I almost made it the whole day without realizing what the actual date was. 

I feel sad currently.  Not necessarily for a specific loss but just about the entire situation.  How excited we were to have our hopes so high only to loose it.  But it is also hard because April 26th is Nathan's birthday.....or rather was Nathan's birthday.  He would have been turning 24.  I have two losses that both coincide very closely with Nathan.  I'm not sure how I feel about that.  The one due date just a few days before his birthday was.  The last one just a few days before he died.  

I know that the one in October is going to be very hard for me.  Not just because of the other emotions that come with him being gone but also since I have two close friends I see on a regular basis one will be having a baby in August, the other September and we thought it was amazing I was coming along to have the next one in October.  So I will see these beautiful little babies.  These gifts from God and not have my own.  I already feel robbed.  I feel sad, angry and upset.  

I still am not ready to try again or to put myself out there that way.  I still just want to move forward with adoption continue to heal and just take things day by day.  Following God's leading.

He heals the brokenhearted And binds up their wounds.  Psalm 147:3

I have started and stopped this post so many times in different ways only to go back and delete them.  So for now I'm going to try to keep it simple:

For the first time in what feels like forever I decided to used protection when getting intimate with my husband.  I could tell I was ovulating and realized that I did not want to get pregnant.  I had quite a mixture of emotions with this feeling.  Guilt that what if by some crazy happenstance this causes us to miss out on a actual pregnancy that is mean to be.  But then the realization that this confirms that I really am ready to move on and to pursue adoption.  That is where my heart is.  I want to put the effort I was using into trying to get pregnant into bringing a beautiful child already here into our homes.  It also showed me that I still need time to heal.  I need time to get past this loss before I'll be willing to open myself up that way again.  We had started planning all our lives on adding this bundle of joy in October to our family and it will not be.  It still hurts.  I still get moments of sadness where I try to take that and put it towards being productive.  I'm willing to open myself to the hardships and heartbreak that come come with adoption.  I think about the kids that God must have for us to bring into our family now. 

Isaac and I went to visit friends this past weekend and where able to take the 5.5 hour drive in the car to talk.  It felt good to be open and able to share my emotions after 2 weeks.  And was wonderful to hear how he felt too.  It seems we are on the same page. He shared with me how he would one day really like to try again naturally but that he is just giving that decision to me.  He knows we are called to adopt and for now he feels we should stop take a step back on the conception journey and move forward with adoption.  We both agree we shouldn't put our life on hold for the possibility of getting pregnant.  And if we where to miraculously become pregnant on our own in between we both still feel like this shouldn't stop us from moving forward in adopting.  In May we will go to orientation and get all the info we need and then decide/pray about if we start this year or next year or later down the road.  If in the future I'm at a place of healing, or have Peace about doing Fertility medications again we will cross that bridge then but for now we feel it's time to move on.  Isaac shared with me he really wants to at least try to have one more through pregnancy some time down the road but if I never get there he will 100% understand and stand by me either way.  I asked him what happens if I never get there?  He said then that's okay and he wont ever be bitter or regretful.

This is where we are and this is where we are going.  It is a lot to take in and I don't know what the future holds but I do know that we will face it together.  We both believe when we go in May that we will know after orientation if we are meant to adopt now or later.  And I won't rush a decision.  I will trust that we will follow God's leading and he will open the doors that should be open as they need to be.  So until then I will enjoy every second of my beautiful baby boy and continue to love on him.  I will pray for those kids who will end up coming to us.  I pray for their safety.  That God would begin to prepare their hearts for us.  To know that we are there to love them unconditionally no matter what.

I am humbled to see the work that God is doing in my own heart.  I kept praying looking around and hoping Isaac and I would line up together with what God wants for us all the while thinking in the back of my mind that I don't need anything changed I already know exactly what we should do.  But on Monday I was hit with a realization: 

We received the adoption information guide and requirements from the agency on adopting through the foster care system.  This is the organization that we are going to the orientation with on May 11th.  After receiving the information I received an email from the director.  She just wanted to make us aware, since it is not in the packet that their agency deals with children that are already released for adoption or are very close to being released.  Because of this there is either little to no chance of having a child placed with you to have them taken away after.  But also because of this they adopt out primarily ages 5+ and sibling pairs.  If we are looking for younger she can recommend another agency to go with that does the foster to adopt program but that most of the time in situations like that there is a higher chance of children being placed with you to have them taken away or going back to the parents after.  I read her email and forwarded it to Isaac and I sat and digested this information.  Thinking of jumping from toddler to older is a huge step but it's one that I'm feeling compelled to take.  If you look back a few posts you'll see where I had that sleepless night where all I could think about are the kids who feel unloved.  Who walk into a home knowing that it's only temporary.  Who wonder if I do something wrong are they going to love me?  Are they going to send me back?  Those are the kids I want to take into my arms and smother with love.  Those are the kids I want to be able to tell them You are loved.  You are wanted!  And those are the kids that are 5+.  The ones who know what is going on.  Who know that the chances for them to get adopted might never come.  I forwarded the email to Isaac wondering how he would feel about this.  I realize my heart change has slowly been happening.....we always said no infants that we would do older.....but I also remember thinking in the past to myself we should stick with 3 and under in order to eliminate or minimize any behavioral issues that come with feeling rejected or the hard life of before....I was amazed that I didn't care anymore about those issues.  That it was kids with the feelings of rejection and hurt that I wanted to show unconditional love to.  I forwarded the email to Isaac and received these text just a few minutes later:

Isaac:  How do you feel about adopting older?

Me: (Realizing he is offering for me to speak my heart since we had decided to take time separately and process/pray about it on our own...I can speak....I told him what I said above: how I feel that is what we should do, unless God leads us to siblings, or another direction but that I am okay with it)  I finished with What about you?

Isaac:  I'm okay with it.  Honestly I was concerned with adopting younger.  I think we are on the same page though

Those words....those three sweet beautiful sentences!  I realized that God is really doing a work in both of us right now.  When he got home I asked him when his mind changed on the age for adopting....he told me about a year ago he started thinking that when we adopt we need to be open to adopt older.

So you see here I was sitting there praying for God to touch and change his heart when really it was mine that God was working on.  Mine God was nudging in the direction to go a certain way.  I was humbled.

Philippians 1:6 
And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.


I ask that God would continue to bring my heart in line with him.  I ask that He would show us the timeline we should start this.  This isn't something to rush into and yes we have talked about this for almost 11 years now.  But as we are taking steps to get closer and closer to this I want to be sure we are still in the right timing.  God has already sees the ending here.  I know this journey will be full of ups downs and where do we go type questions and situations.  I want to just rest knowing that God will open the doors He wants to open and close those he wants closed for us.

I know to some of you readers it may seem I'm just jumping from one thing to another in order to fill a hole that was left.  I can assure you that is not the case.  I have so much relief with the thought of not trying again.  With the thought of going down this path over another round of fertility medication.  I feel like that in and of itself speaks volumes.  But being that I feel relief and have joy at the thought of pursuing adoption shows me that I am definitely ready to move on.  To let go.    Now I just pray that Isaac feels the same way or God changes my heart so we get on the same page....again we haven't talked yet so I dont know how he feels.  Last night I asked if he was ready to talk he asked for more time.  I shall give him that.  I told him I'm ready when he is.   

I'm not going to say we will never try again.  On the contrary I feel most likely a few years down the road we may.  But when we do I want it to be after we have already pursued that which God has placed on our hearts with adoption.  I don't want to miss out on loving a child or plan my life around what ifs and hopes.  I want to move forward with a purpose and I want to start a new race. 


 

Last night as I lay in bed trying to still my mind to sleep all I could think about was all the beautiful children out there who feel unloved.  We had this child and already loved it so unconditionally.  So much that it seemed to momentarily shattered us when we lost it.  No child should ever feel that way.  I pictured myself loving on a child who as they walk through our door are having doubts, hurts and fears.  Are we going to love them?  Are they going to be able to stay with us?  Fears and insecurity that no child should EVER feel.  None should ever feel unloved or unwanted.

God I want to just take them all in.  I want to bring them into my arms and love on them unconditionally. I feel as my heart is healing it's closing in one direction and opening in another.  I feel like God is pouring himself out into our lives and allowing us to heal but also...maybe move into a different direction.

God whatever you want of us...That is what I want.  Whichever route you desire of us....that is the route we wish to go.  Show us your direction and path.  Help us to know which way we should go.

On April 23rd I have an appointment to get a tattoo in remembrance of this beautiful miracle that was lost to us.  And to commemorate the past losses as well.  I will be doing this(yet adding three stars underneath to represent the three losses):

As I thought about the three little stars underneath I thought about how I don't want to add any more stars.  I really just want to let go.  To close this door and let God take control if one day in the future He sees fit to bless us with another.  I almost feel like this is me giving myself closure on this chapter. But today I received in the mail the most beautiful drawing from a friend:

When I opened it I cried.  You can not tell very well from the picture but the three little ones looking on from the sideline are colored with Rainbow colors to represent the losses.  When I opened it saw what it represent I again felt like it was closure.  I don't want another elephant looking on from the sideline.....maybe it's time to shut the door.


What does shutting the door mean for me?  I never plan to go on birth control again or to openly try to prevent.  But maybe it is time to just let it not matter.  Stop trying to get pregnant, stop hoping to get pregnant and stop caring if I get pregnant.  Much easier said then done when you have lived it every day almost for the last 5 years.  And for now life goes on slowly day by day.  I go back to work tomorrow and know that my coworkers may feel awkward around me at first.  May not know what to say.  But I will love them anyway exactly where they are as I hope they can do the same for me as I heal.

Today is a struggle of a whole different world.  I woke up hurting in general physically still from the exertion of yesterday.  So I decided today would be a day I just take it easy.....yet my mind hasn't gotten the notice to rest.

I have wanted several times today to pick up the phone call the Dr and ask if I decide to continue down the path to try and get pregnant what steps do we need to take?  A way to just get it over with in order to have all the information I can.  Then I think about everything that happened in that hospital on Sunday and I never want to go through something like that again.  Why would I even give my body the chance to betray me like that? 

I feel angry.  I feel betrayed.  Yesterday I took all day to try to make sense of why it could have happened....well you know what I don't care WHY it happened.  We were robbed of a child.  Regardless of if we adopt, get pregnant again...whatever.  We were robbed.  We were blind sided.  Being still is so hard.  Learning there isn't always an answer for everything is also hard.  Today being forced to do nothing physically is forcing me to be still.  To not fill the time with projects, cleaning and errands.  It makes me think, it makes me grieve, and it makes me heal.

Today this scripture really spoke to me:

Psalm 71:

In you, Lord, I have taken refuge;
    let me never be put to shame.
² In your righteousness, rescue me and deliver me;
    turn your ear to me and save me.
³ Be my rock of refuge,
    to which I can always go;
give the command to save me,
    for you are my rock and my fortress.
⁴ Deliver me, my God, from the hand of the wicked,
    from the grasp of those who are evil and cruel.

⁵ For you have been my hope, Sovereign Lord,
    my confidence since my youth.
⁶ From birth I have relied on you;
    you brought me forth from my mother’s womb.
    I will ever praise you.
⁷ I have become a sign to many;
    you are my strong refuge.
⁸ My mouth is filled with your praise,
    declaring your splendor all day long.

⁹ Do not cast me away when I am old;
    do not forsake me when my strength is gone.
¹⁰ For my enemies speak against me;
    those who wait to kill me conspire together.
¹¹ They say, “God has forsaken him;
    pursue him and seize him,
    for no one will rescue him.”
¹² Do not be far from me, my God;
    come quickly, God, to help me.
¹³ May my accusers perish in shame;
    may those who want to harm me
    be covered with scorn and disgrace.

¹⁴ As for me, I will always have hope;
    I will praise you more and more.

¹⁵ My mouth will tell of your righteous deeds,
    of your saving acts all day long—
    though I know not how to relate them all.
¹⁶ I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, Sovereign Lord;
    I will proclaim your righteous deeds, yours alone.
¹⁷ Since my youth, God, you have taught me,
    and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds.
¹⁸ Even when I am old and gray,
    do not forsake me, my God,
till I declare your power to the next generation,
    your mighty acts to all who are to come.

¹⁹ Your righteousness, God, reaches to the heavens,
    you who have done great things.
    Who is like you, God?
²⁰ Though you have made me see troubles,
    many and bitter,
    you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth
    you will again bring me up.
²¹ You will increase my honor
    and comfort me once more.

²² I will praise you with the harp
    for your faithfulness, my God;
I will sing praise to you with the lyre,
    Holy One of Israel.
²³ My lips will shout for joy
    when I sing praise to you—
    I whom you have delivered.
²⁴ My tongue will tell of your righteous acts
    all day long,
for those who wanted to harm me
    have been put to shame and confusion.

Verse 20-21: ²⁰ Though you have made me see troubles,  many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up.²¹ You will increase my honor and comfort me once more.

These really spoke to me.  I may not be there yet but He will heal me.  He will restore me.  He will bring me healing.  And with that healing will come clarity.  So for now I will allow my heart to heal.