So I haven't posted in few days mainly because I don't really feel I have much to say. We are in the throws of the non medicated cycle. I'm on cycle day 11 right now. Still not quite ready to ovulate but praying it is coming soon. I have the ovary twinges/cramps that I had after I did the trigger shot with the medication so I'm hoping that is a good sign and my body is trying to ovulate.
I will be keeping a close eye on my temperatures and after I confirm ovulation I'm going to use the rest of the progesterone I have to make sure I have a normal 14 day Luteal Phase and try and keep everything on track for if we need another medicated cycle.
I have had some light spotting going with the cramping but I had the same when I was on the medication too so I'm trying to take it as a good sign but I know my body isn't quite ready to ovulate yet. But I'm praying even if I do ovulate late and then I use the progesterone it will help keep things on track. I still have such a hard time believing and thinking that I had a three day period. I'm really hoping that these medicated cycles bumped everything into how a normal body is suppose to work.
On a personal note:
My in-laws are going to be getting into town today until Tuesday to help my sister in law move out of our place and into her own apartment. So of course if I do ovulate we will have to do the incognito bedroom action again.....just our luck. But as to my sister in law it has been so nice having her here. But Isaac and I were talking and we have had so much family coming to stay with us pretty much all year so I think we are ready for some time alone. At least a few months. My Dad is talking about coming out for one of the holidays.
So I guess I'll keep my fingers crossed and wait and see.
Saturday, August 30, 2014
Monday, August 25, 2014
Healing and Acceptance
I feel so much better than I had. I feel like allowing myself those few days to really grieve and really let it out has allowed me to feel so much better. I am ready to move forward and start towards our family.
I found joy in pulling out my little baby blanket and knitting it this afternoon. I am determined now more than ever to press on. To keep a smile on my face and go forward pressing into the promises that have been given to me.
I feel like the best way to describe how I feel right now completely is acceptance. I have accepted that this is a journey and it is a tough one and an emotional one. And one that I will endure. I want to look back on this and see growth. I want to pull as much good out of it as possible. I'm excited to see what the future holds.
For one brief moment I was able to be pregnant to experience that joy. Even though I lost it and am so disappointed by it when the time comes and I experience it again I do not want to allow myself to to expect the same. I can not allow this to mar my future. For my next pregnancy will not be the same as this one. I will believe hope and pray for victory.
I found joy in pulling out my little baby blanket and knitting it this afternoon. I am determined now more than ever to press on. To keep a smile on my face and go forward pressing into the promises that have been given to me.
I feel like the best way to describe how I feel right now completely is acceptance. I have accepted that this is a journey and it is a tough one and an emotional one. And one that I will endure. I want to look back on this and see growth. I want to pull as much good out of it as possible. I'm excited to see what the future holds.
For one brief moment I was able to be pregnant to experience that joy. Even though I lost it and am so disappointed by it when the time comes and I experience it again I do not want to allow myself to to expect the same. I can not allow this to mar my future. For my next pregnancy will not be the same as this one. I will believe hope and pray for victory.
Saturday, August 23, 2014
Devotion
"By faith Sarah herself received power to conceive, even when she was past the age, since she considered him faithful who had promised." Hebrews 11:11
"If we are faithless, he remains faithful— for he cannot deny himself." 2 Timothy 2:13
No matter how I feel right now He is faithful. There is not denying that. Over and over and over again He has proven this in my life.
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13
"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
Going through this right now will make it even more incredibly special when the time comes. Even if I feel sad or upset at certain moments that is okay. I not only have hope but I have faith. I know my God is faithful even in the midst of a world full of unfaithfulness. He is always there for us.
"Ah, Lord God! It is you who have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and by your outstretched arm! Nothing is too hard for you." Jeremiah 32:17
"Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us." Romans 5:1-5
We are going to have our baby. We are going to get that beautiful son, our beautiful adopted children. We will have our family:
"God is not man, that he should lie, or a son of man, that he should change his mind. Has he said, and will he not do it? Or has he spoken, and will he not fulfill it?" Numbers 23:19
A while ago I put away the blanket I was knitting by faith for our baby to be. It was getting hard to knit it with a smile. It had turned from a thing of joy to a thing of depression just a reminder of failure after failure. But now that I actually got my first ever positive pregnancy test I feel I need to pull it out again. I need to knit each row knowing and believing that my baby is coming. I will be holding them soon. God will not lie. He will hold fast to His promises. No matter how dark the valley He will walk us through it.
"And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you." Psalm 9:10
"Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:23
"The works of his hands are faithful and just; all his precepts are trustworthy; they are established forever and ever, to be performed with faithfulness and uprightness. He sent redemption to his people; he has commanded his covenant forever. Holy and awesome is his name!" Psalm 111:7-9
"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
"Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever. Give thanks to the God of gods, for his steadfast love endures forever. Give thanks to the Lord of lords, for his steadfast love endures forever; to him who alone does great wonders, for his steadfast love endures forever; to him who by understanding made the heavens, for his steadfast love endures forever" Psalm 136:1-2
Psalm 40[a]
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.
1 I waited patiently for the Lord;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
and put their trust in him.
he turned to me and heard my cry.
2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
and put their trust in him.
4 Blessed is the one
who trusts in the Lord,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods.[b]
5 Many, Lord my God,
are the wonders you have done,
the things you planned for us.
None can compare with you;
were I to speak and tell of your deeds,
they would be too many to declare.
who trusts in the Lord,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods.[b]
5 Many, Lord my God,
are the wonders you have done,
the things you planned for us.
None can compare with you;
were I to speak and tell of your deeds,
they would be too many to declare.
9 I proclaim your saving acts in the great assembly;
I do not seal my lips, Lord,
as you know.
10 I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;
I speak of your faithfulness and your saving help.
I do not conceal your love and your faithfulness
from the great assembly.
I do not seal my lips, Lord,
as you know.
10 I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;
I speak of your faithfulness and your saving help.
I do not conceal your love and your faithfulness
from the great assembly.
11 Do not withhold your mercy from me, Lord;
may your love and faithfulness always protect me.
12 For troubles without number surround me;
my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
and my heart fails within me.
13 Be pleased to save me, Lord;
come quickly, Lord, to help me.
may your love and faithfulness always protect me.
12 For troubles without number surround me;
my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
and my heart fails within me.
13 Be pleased to save me, Lord;
come quickly, Lord, to help me.
14 May all who want to take my life
be put to shame and confusion;
may all who desire my ruin
be turned back in disgrace.
15 May those who say to me, “Aha! Aha!”
be appalled at their own shame.
16 But may all who seek you
rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who long for your saving help always say,
“The Lord is great!”
be put to shame and confusion;
may all who desire my ruin
be turned back in disgrace.
15 May those who say to me, “Aha! Aha!”
be appalled at their own shame.
16 But may all who seek you
rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who long for your saving help always say,
“The Lord is great!”
17 But as for me, I am poor and needy;
may the Lord think of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
you are my God, do not delay.
may the Lord think of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
you are my God, do not delay.
Friday, August 22, 2014
So Much Grief
I didn't even care I was getting wet when I walked out of work tonight and the rain was starting. I felt like the sky was crying with me. My heart was just aching today. And an inner rage was storming through me.
I tried to hide behind statistics and medical terms but when it comes down to it I lost the baby I was so looking forward to holding. I was so incredibly excited for a few days. I could not believe I had finally been given what was promised to me; then in a blink of an eye it was stolen from me. I am so angry! My God who is a miracle worker and who allows nothing to happen without His permission allowed this. I am hurt. I feel betrayed. Yes I know in my heart of hearts that His plans are bigger and I don't see the big picture but it does not keep these emotions from raging.
I came home from work tonight and just lost it. It was the first time I cried since it happened. For the first time ever in this long two year journey we finally had victory. I finally felt that joy that I had been waiting so long to feel.
Is this going to mar the next time I finally get my Positive Test. Am I going to be fearful the entire time that this too will be snatched from me?
I just want to kick and scream and cry and say ~F~ you world. I am just so incredibly upset. I feel my my entire vacation was a waste. I went to allow myself to get away from it all and just enjoy everything I get back and just a few days later everything seems to come crashing down.
I want to just curl up into a hole. A deep dark hole where there is nothing but silence. Nothing but an opportunity to have stillness and quite. I just want so badly to move on. To act like nothing ever happened- but I can't. It did. I feel a void in my heart right now that I'm not sure anything will be able to fill until I am holding my own beautiful baby.
I think this is part of the healing process. I think I was just in so much shock before I didn't know what to think. I want to move on and heal.
God you see my heart and my emotions and all those things that come to my mind now. I know there is healing in opening up. I don't even know what to pray but I know you see my heart and my mind and I ask for your peace. In your holy name Amen.
I tried to hide behind statistics and medical terms but when it comes down to it I lost the baby I was so looking forward to holding. I was so incredibly excited for a few days. I could not believe I had finally been given what was promised to me; then in a blink of an eye it was stolen from me. I am so angry! My God who is a miracle worker and who allows nothing to happen without His permission allowed this. I am hurt. I feel betrayed. Yes I know in my heart of hearts that His plans are bigger and I don't see the big picture but it does not keep these emotions from raging.
I came home from work tonight and just lost it. It was the first time I cried since it happened. For the first time ever in this long two year journey we finally had victory. I finally felt that joy that I had been waiting so long to feel.
Is this going to mar the next time I finally get my Positive Test. Am I going to be fearful the entire time that this too will be snatched from me?
I just want to kick and scream and cry and say ~F~ you world. I am just so incredibly upset. I feel my my entire vacation was a waste. I went to allow myself to get away from it all and just enjoy everything I get back and just a few days later everything seems to come crashing down.
I want to just curl up into a hole. A deep dark hole where there is nothing but silence. Nothing but an opportunity to have stillness and quite. I just want so badly to move on. To act like nothing ever happened- but I can't. It did. I feel a void in my heart right now that I'm not sure anything will be able to fill until I am holding my own beautiful baby.
I think this is part of the healing process. I think I was just in so much shock before I didn't know what to think. I want to move on and heal.
God you see my heart and my emotions and all those things that come to my mind now. I know there is healing in opening up. I don't even know what to pray but I know you see my heart and my mind and I ask for your peace. In your holy name Amen.
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Hopeful for this unmedicated cycle
I am hopeful for this month to actually have a normal cycle. A cycle where I ovulate at a normal time with a normal luteal phase and hopefully a pregnancy. I normally have a very long light period for 9 days then heavy the last 2 but I've been bleeding extremely heavy the past two days. So I'm thinking that hopefully this will be a 4 day one like the last two medicated cycles. I sure hope so cause that will be amazing.
I decided to create a group on Baby Center I'm not going to go into a ton of detail on it tonight but feel free to check it out:
http://community.babycenter.com/groups/a6756796/prayer_and_positivity_for_those_ttc_or_who_are_pregnant
I'm having a really hard time getting my thoughts together, so I think before I start rambling like a crazy person I'm going to go ahead and call it a night.
I decided to create a group on Baby Center I'm not going to go into a ton of detail on it tonight but feel free to check it out:
http://community.babycenter.com/groups/a6756796/prayer_and_positivity_for_those_ttc_or_who_are_pregnant
I'm having a really hard time getting my thoughts together, so I think before I start rambling like a crazy person I'm going to go ahead and call it a night.
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
On To the Next Cycle
My period started this morning. I'm actually very relieved. I know some of my friends who had chemical pregnancies and it took a while for their periods to actually come. I think if that happened it would make it harder emotionally. But at least this way it is started and is done and we are on our way to the next cycle.
I feel very optimistic that we will be getting pregnant soon. If this happened on our first full working treatment cycle the next one will just be even better.
I'm hoping that this will kind of jump start my cycle so that I will actually have a normal cycle like I'm suppose to with ovulation in the middle and a normal luteal phase. We decided we are still going to try next month either way. That is as long as I actually ovulate when I'm suppose to.
I'm just going to be doing whatever I can to up my chances to start the next treatment cycle.
I feel very optimistic that we will be getting pregnant soon. If this happened on our first full working treatment cycle the next one will just be even better.
I'm hoping that this will kind of jump start my cycle so that I will actually have a normal cycle like I'm suppose to with ovulation in the middle and a normal luteal phase. We decided we are still going to try next month either way. That is as long as I actually ovulate when I'm suppose to.
I'm just going to be doing whatever I can to up my chances to start the next treatment cycle.
Tuesday, August 19, 2014
Not Our Time
So the spotting came back and had continued. Though the cramping wasn't like anything I've been experiencing before. I went in this morning for another blood test and decided to take another pregnancy test too while I waited. Well the pregnancy test came back negative. I kind of knew most likely I wasn't in for good news.
My Beta # dropped to 4 ending this in a chemical pregnancy.
Honestly I'm okay. I didn't think I would be, but I think the spotting and tests not getting darker had me kind of suspecting it. The Dr wants us to take a month off and then we can try again. I'm really hoping this cycle will be short and not be as long as it normally would be. Hopefully this makes everything line up as it would for a normal cycle.
How am I feeling:
I know I'm going to have my ups and downs. I think the only way to describe how I feel right now is peace. I know I saw positive pregnancy tests. I know I had that excited feeling but I was having such a hard time believing it was real. Part of me wants to go in that direction, in thinking it wasn't real since it is easier to accept heal and move on if I do not think of this as an actual pregnancy even though I know it was.
It helps to take it in knowing I was having my tests not show or get lighter. And then when I woke up this morning to a negative test and spotting and I just knew that I wasn't going to get a good answer, though I was hoping against all hope that I would. I feel relieved that it happened now and didn't wait till a baby was forming. I feel sad that I had to tell my husband he wasn't going to be a Daddy yet after all. I think I was more worried for him than me on the emotional scale. Mainly because I could feel and see what was happening with my body so I knew something was happening that I was pretty sure wasn't supposed to be. Where he couldn't he could only go by what I was saying and try and think positively.
For now we take a month off then try again. So what am I going to do in this month? I'm going to enjoy every second of it. While getting things ready for next cycle: I'm going to run, eat healthy, cut back on my caffeine. I want to allow God to heal what needs healed and if I feel the need to grieve (which I know I will at some point) I want to allow myself to grieve. We will have our baby just not yet.
My Beta # dropped to 4 ending this in a chemical pregnancy.
Honestly I'm okay. I didn't think I would be, but I think the spotting and tests not getting darker had me kind of suspecting it. The Dr wants us to take a month off and then we can try again. I'm really hoping this cycle will be short and not be as long as it normally would be. Hopefully this makes everything line up as it would for a normal cycle.
How am I feeling:
I know I'm going to have my ups and downs. I think the only way to describe how I feel right now is peace. I know I saw positive pregnancy tests. I know I had that excited feeling but I was having such a hard time believing it was real. Part of me wants to go in that direction, in thinking it wasn't real since it is easier to accept heal and move on if I do not think of this as an actual pregnancy even though I know it was.
It helps to take it in knowing I was having my tests not show or get lighter. And then when I woke up this morning to a negative test and spotting and I just knew that I wasn't going to get a good answer, though I was hoping against all hope that I would. I feel relieved that it happened now and didn't wait till a baby was forming. I feel sad that I had to tell my husband he wasn't going to be a Daddy yet after all. I think I was more worried for him than me on the emotional scale. Mainly because I could feel and see what was happening with my body so I knew something was happening that I was pretty sure wasn't supposed to be. Where he couldn't he could only go by what I was saying and try and think positively.
For now we take a month off then try again. So what am I going to do in this month? I'm going to enjoy every second of it. While getting things ready for next cycle: I'm going to run, eat healthy, cut back on my caffeine. I want to allow God to heal what needs healed and if I feel the need to grieve (which I know I will at some point) I want to allow myself to grieve. We will have our baby just not yet.
Monday, August 18, 2014
Second Blood test tomorrow. Remaining Hopeful
So I wasn't sure if I was going to write this post or not. Part of me wanted to wait till tomorrow after my second Beta Test but I decided if I'm really going to let this be a real opening into the experience on this journey to mother hood I need to include it all. So here goes:
I was spotting again today off and on. It's nothing like continued bleeding just when I go to the restroom and wipe. So nothing insane just very light and honestly nothing I really feel concerned about. We had sex last night so it's possible that just irritated things a little bit. Especially since I can spot/bleed after sex sometimes anyways. I did however take another pregnancy test and it looks almost completely negative. You have to be really looking for the second line to see it. I don't know if that is accurate though due to the fact that I took it around 4 pm and I had planned to take it with a 4 hour hold and got as far as two hours and became so thirsty that I drank a 32 oz container of water in about a 30 min period and then just couldn't hold it for the next hour. So I decided to take the test anyway. I've tried to do research on if drinking a ton of water right before you take a test can give a false pregnancy test and from what I've read it can. And I'm praying that is all this is. I keep saying okay I'll just hold it for four hours again and take another one but the problem is I just can't seem to make it to four hours. I feel so incredibly thirsty that I HAVE to have water but when I drink the water I am peeing every single hour! Ugh vicious cycle. I should use the first morning urine anyways.
I've talked to a few friends who had been spotting as well during pregnancy and it apparently really is a lot more common than I thought. I have 3 friends who had it though at different parts of there cycle. So that made me feel a little better. Though of course sad they had to go through those thoughts and scares too.
I do however feel very very different in the uterus/ovary area. I feel a big pulling feeling. It doesn't hurt, it isn't like cramping or anything I've ever experienced during a natural cycle. It kind of reminds me of how my ovaries felt the after I took the trigger shot. It can also be described a little bit like a burning sensation. Not pain. I don't want people thinking I'm in pain more just a discomfort that I notice. But it makes me smile. It makes me think of my little bean just getting nice and cozy. Every once in a while I'm hit with a little wave of nausea but I think that is more to do with some drainage I feel I have going on since its getting time for the fall allergy season. I've also been a little more tired then normal but nothing unbearable.
I go in tomorrow for my second Beta blood test to make sure everything is growing how it should. I plan to ask them about the spotting again then. I don't think there is much they can do. I think it's all a matter of taking things easy when I can and not stressing out about it.
Heavenly Father it is so easy to fear that this can be taken away from me but I know that thought is not something I should allow to come into my life. I know I should not allow the fear to overwhelm me or place doubt that your promises to us will not happen. You have not given me the spirit of fear but of power love and a sound mind. I thank you that your hand is on this pregnancy and that you are causing your undeniable strength to take place. I ask for your peace that surpasses all understanding to guard my heart and mind. In Jesus name. ~Amen
I was spotting again today off and on. It's nothing like continued bleeding just when I go to the restroom and wipe. So nothing insane just very light and honestly nothing I really feel concerned about. We had sex last night so it's possible that just irritated things a little bit. Especially since I can spot/bleed after sex sometimes anyways. I did however take another pregnancy test and it looks almost completely negative. You have to be really looking for the second line to see it. I don't know if that is accurate though due to the fact that I took it around 4 pm and I had planned to take it with a 4 hour hold and got as far as two hours and became so thirsty that I drank a 32 oz container of water in about a 30 min period and then just couldn't hold it for the next hour. So I decided to take the test anyway. I've tried to do research on if drinking a ton of water right before you take a test can give a false pregnancy test and from what I've read it can. And I'm praying that is all this is. I keep saying okay I'll just hold it for four hours again and take another one but the problem is I just can't seem to make it to four hours. I feel so incredibly thirsty that I HAVE to have water but when I drink the water I am peeing every single hour! Ugh vicious cycle. I should use the first morning urine anyways.
I've talked to a few friends who had been spotting as well during pregnancy and it apparently really is a lot more common than I thought. I have 3 friends who had it though at different parts of there cycle. So that made me feel a little better. Though of course sad they had to go through those thoughts and scares too.
I do however feel very very different in the uterus/ovary area. I feel a big pulling feeling. It doesn't hurt, it isn't like cramping or anything I've ever experienced during a natural cycle. It kind of reminds me of how my ovaries felt the after I took the trigger shot. It can also be described a little bit like a burning sensation. Not pain. I don't want people thinking I'm in pain more just a discomfort that I notice. But it makes me smile. It makes me think of my little bean just getting nice and cozy. Every once in a while I'm hit with a little wave of nausea but I think that is more to do with some drainage I feel I have going on since its getting time for the fall allergy season. I've also been a little more tired then normal but nothing unbearable.
I go in tomorrow for my second Beta blood test to make sure everything is growing how it should. I plan to ask them about the spotting again then. I don't think there is much they can do. I think it's all a matter of taking things easy when I can and not stressing out about it.
Heavenly Father it is so easy to fear that this can be taken away from me but I know that thought is not something I should allow to come into my life. I know I should not allow the fear to overwhelm me or place doubt that your promises to us will not happen. You have not given me the spirit of fear but of power love and a sound mind. I thank you that your hand is on this pregnancy and that you are causing your undeniable strength to take place. I ask for your peace that surpasses all understanding to guard my heart and mind. In Jesus name. ~Amen
Saturday, August 16, 2014
Sticky little Bean
Today was the first day of my pregnancy that I was able to just keep a smile on all day without thinking of what ifs. What good does worrying really do? The spotting never returned from yesterday afternoon and my period never came.
I know it's silly even after the 6 pregnancy tests I already took but I had to take another one this morning and of course it was positive. I just couldn't wipe the smile off my face all day it was just amazing.
I am excited to go in on Tuesday and just have confirmation that my beautiful little miracle is forming. I am so excited.
I'm not taking any more pregnancy tests till after my Beta. I am interested once I hear how much higher up the numbers go if I will get a darker line. But I wont be buying any more. I'm trusting God that He is going to carry me through the entire pregnancy for the full 40 weeks.
On that note I am officially 4 weeks today. It is just so unreal that I am pregnant. I am so excited. I can feel my body starting to have little changes here and there. I'm really bloated but beyond that have little uterus twinges and what not that every time I feel it I know my little bean(s) are just getting super close and comfortably snug in my uterus.
So for now it's just a matter of waiting until Tuesday to see just how much my little bean has grown.
I know it's silly even after the 6 pregnancy tests I already took but I had to take another one this morning and of course it was positive. I just couldn't wipe the smile off my face all day it was just amazing.
I am excited to go in on Tuesday and just have confirmation that my beautiful little miracle is forming. I am so excited.
I'm not taking any more pregnancy tests till after my Beta. I am interested once I hear how much higher up the numbers go if I will get a darker line. But I wont be buying any more. I'm trusting God that He is going to carry me through the entire pregnancy for the full 40 weeks.
On that note I am officially 4 weeks today. It is just so unreal that I am pregnant. I am so excited. I can feel my body starting to have little changes here and there. I'm really bloated but beyond that have little uterus twinges and what not that every time I feel it I know my little bean(s) are just getting super close and comfortably snug in my uterus.
So for now it's just a matter of waiting until Tuesday to see just how much my little bean has grown.
Friday, August 15, 2014
1st Beta-Blood work
So here is an update for my previous post. It is now blood work official I am pregnant. It just seems so unreal. They didn't seem concerned at all about my spotting and told me to just continue with the same dose of progesterone that I'm on.
So a full update is this:
Through out the day the spotting went on and off, most of the time just a funky brown discharge but at one point in time I went to the restroom and there was bright red. Thankfully it didn't stay. I got a phone call from the Dr with my blood test(Beta) results while I was at work at 2:30ish and the Nurse left this message(left a few non needed things out:
"Hey Devin I just wanted to let you know we got your Beta results in and congratulations you are pregnant. Your pregnancy numbers were 21. Now do we typically like to see that a little higher? We do, but at two weeks after so that doesn't necessarily mean anything so we are going to have you come in on Tuesday morning for another Beta test so we can check and measure that things are growing how they should." --She then goes on to say she told the Dr about my concern with spotting and wondering if I need more progesterone the Dr said no I do not and for me to stay on the same dose. So she really wasn't concerned about it.
I've replayed that message 5 times trying to listen to anything in her voice that could give away if she thinks I should be concerned or not. So finally I ask myself why am I doing this? For the first time in 2 years I finally have the answer I've been wanting but I'm so afraid to reach out and believe it. Why? I'm afraid once I do it will be snatched away in a heart beat. But that isn't how things work. God let us get to this point He isn't just going to let us fall. I shouldn't live my life surrounded in fear of failure, instead I need to rejoice in the every day little victories.
So for what is going on with me now: The spotting has stopped, but it was really off and on all day so I'm curious to see what will happen. I've been having a pulling feeling in my ovary/uterus area. And just all around feel really really really bloated. I actually don't think that was enough really's in there. I had a really hard time buttoning up my work pants today and they are the same ones I just wore yesterday. So I'm taking that as a good sign.
I am excited to get through tomorrow. If I can make it without my period coming I will feel I'm in the clear. Well till Sunday maybe then I'll feel clear. But overall I'm trying to be excited! I am excited! I'm just still in a state of unbelief. I think until I go in on Tuesday and hear about the second set of numbers I'm going to be a little dumbfounded....or is it denial.
But I don't want to be in denial. I want to be able to shout it from the roof tops that I'm having a baby!!!!!!! I'm finally pregnant. God heard our cries!!!!! I know exciting things are in store.
Lord I ask for your peace and wisdom to dwell in me. I ask that you would guide my thoughts in the right direction when doubts, fear and anxiety arise. You are the protector of the righteous and as many times as you have protected me I know you are protecting my baby: " I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb. Jeremiah 1:5" I claim this over my child right now Father that you are there. You know who this person is going to grow up to be and what they are going to become. I thank you that your hand is on me and my family in many ways and blessing us with children is only one of them. Help me to be guided in your way in Jesus name. ~Amen
So a full update is this:
Through out the day the spotting went on and off, most of the time just a funky brown discharge but at one point in time I went to the restroom and there was bright red. Thankfully it didn't stay. I got a phone call from the Dr with my blood test(Beta) results while I was at work at 2:30ish and the Nurse left this message(left a few non needed things out:
"Hey Devin I just wanted to let you know we got your Beta results in and congratulations you are pregnant. Your pregnancy numbers were 21. Now do we typically like to see that a little higher? We do, but at two weeks after so that doesn't necessarily mean anything so we are going to have you come in on Tuesday morning for another Beta test so we can check and measure that things are growing how they should." --She then goes on to say she told the Dr about my concern with spotting and wondering if I need more progesterone the Dr said no I do not and for me to stay on the same dose. So she really wasn't concerned about it.
I've replayed that message 5 times trying to listen to anything in her voice that could give away if she thinks I should be concerned or not. So finally I ask myself why am I doing this? For the first time in 2 years I finally have the answer I've been wanting but I'm so afraid to reach out and believe it. Why? I'm afraid once I do it will be snatched away in a heart beat. But that isn't how things work. God let us get to this point He isn't just going to let us fall. I shouldn't live my life surrounded in fear of failure, instead I need to rejoice in the every day little victories.
So for what is going on with me now: The spotting has stopped, but it was really off and on all day so I'm curious to see what will happen. I've been having a pulling feeling in my ovary/uterus area. And just all around feel really really really bloated. I actually don't think that was enough really's in there. I had a really hard time buttoning up my work pants today and they are the same ones I just wore yesterday. So I'm taking that as a good sign.
I am excited to get through tomorrow. If I can make it without my period coming I will feel I'm in the clear. Well till Sunday maybe then I'll feel clear. But overall I'm trying to be excited! I am excited! I'm just still in a state of unbelief. I think until I go in on Tuesday and hear about the second set of numbers I'm going to be a little dumbfounded....or is it denial.
But I don't want to be in denial. I want to be able to shout it from the roof tops that I'm having a baby!!!!!!! I'm finally pregnant. God heard our cries!!!!! I know exciting things are in store.
Lord I ask for your peace and wisdom to dwell in me. I ask that you would guide my thoughts in the right direction when doubts, fear and anxiety arise. You are the protector of the righteous and as many times as you have protected me I know you are protecting my baby: " I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb. Jeremiah 1:5" I claim this over my child right now Father that you are there. You know who this person is going to grow up to be and what they are going to become. I thank you that your hand is on me and my family in many ways and blessing us with children is only one of them. Help me to be guided in your way in Jesus name. ~Amen
He is Bigger
This morning I went in for my first Beta test. The original plan was to wait till Monday morning but I started some light spotting last night and this morning. It's been off an on nothing consistent but I called and told them about it just in case. Thankfully everything in the spotting seems old Nothing fresh or looking like my period. This morning when I woke up I took another pregnancy test and it was still a faint positive, along with when I put the progesterone in I could feel my cervix was closed, and I got a temperature jump again this morning. All very good signs. Since you need a third jump in pregnancy temperatures to show it's viable.
Though in all honesty the temperature jump from this morning could just be because I was tossing and turning for most of the night and didn't really get much sleep.
So when I called the office this morning they asked if it would make me feel better to come in and run the blood work today. I said absolutely then asked what the numbers would show, or would it tell something with the spotting. She said she can't really say but it will be better for them to closely monitor it especially since I got several home tests that came back positive.
So of course all those stupid what ifs keep coming to my mind. Every time I feel a little cramp I have to refrain myself from going to the bathroom to see if my period has come. I know that if God got me pregnant He can keep me pregnant. But part of me is wishing I would have waited to tell my family till after the blood work but the other part of me is so relieved they know since it's so exciting and if it turns out bad I would want the support.
No matter what this is a victory. After 2 years of actively trying everything in my power: temping, ovulation kits, Pre-seed, vitamins, thyroid medication, Metformin, Vitex-after everything I finally am pregnant. And I'm going to enjoy every minute of it.
I'm relying heavily on Philippians 4:6-7 today:
6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Along with this I pulled out the book supernatural childbirth again and went over some of the promises in there.
Psalm 34:7 says: The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear Him, And rescues them.
I love how Philippians says that the peace of God that is beyond anything I could think possible will come and guard my heart. Will rest in my soul. I need that. My Jesus I want to trust that your angels are standing guard around us. I know that nothing that you do not desire can become a reality and this child you have given us is a reality. Yes already there is a child that grows in my womb and I speak with your authority and power and say that I am believing in victory. I'm believing for Good blood tests results for how early I am. Exceedingly healthy 40 weeks. And I thank you for your peace that is coming to rest upon me. Your peace that is ABOVE anything I could comprehend in a situation like this. I thank you Lord for victory every day I wake up. I thank you Lord that this will be nothing and this pregnancy will last to full duration. In your name~Amen
On another note Tomorrow I will officially be 4 weeks, so early! I feel really nauseous today but I think part of that is the nerves on waiting for the drs to call back. And I have a lot of drainage allergy wise. But right now it's like I have butterflies in my stomach. I have to go into work so I guess for now I'll have to hang up and for you followers I'll try and update tonight what the blood results where if I don't get in to late.
Though in all honesty the temperature jump from this morning could just be because I was tossing and turning for most of the night and didn't really get much sleep.
So when I called the office this morning they asked if it would make me feel better to come in and run the blood work today. I said absolutely then asked what the numbers would show, or would it tell something with the spotting. She said she can't really say but it will be better for them to closely monitor it especially since I got several home tests that came back positive.
So of course all those stupid what ifs keep coming to my mind. Every time I feel a little cramp I have to refrain myself from going to the bathroom to see if my period has come. I know that if God got me pregnant He can keep me pregnant. But part of me is wishing I would have waited to tell my family till after the blood work but the other part of me is so relieved they know since it's so exciting and if it turns out bad I would want the support.
No matter what this is a victory. After 2 years of actively trying everything in my power: temping, ovulation kits, Pre-seed, vitamins, thyroid medication, Metformin, Vitex-after everything I finally am pregnant. And I'm going to enjoy every minute of it.
I'm relying heavily on Philippians 4:6-7 today:
6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Along with this I pulled out the book supernatural childbirth again and went over some of the promises in there.
Psalm 34:7 says: The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear Him, And rescues them.
I love how Philippians says that the peace of God that is beyond anything I could think possible will come and guard my heart. Will rest in my soul. I need that. My Jesus I want to trust that your angels are standing guard around us. I know that nothing that you do not desire can become a reality and this child you have given us is a reality. Yes already there is a child that grows in my womb and I speak with your authority and power and say that I am believing in victory. I'm believing for Good blood tests results for how early I am. Exceedingly healthy 40 weeks. And I thank you for your peace that is coming to rest upon me. Your peace that is ABOVE anything I could comprehend in a situation like this. I thank you Lord for victory every day I wake up. I thank you Lord that this will be nothing and this pregnancy will last to full duration. In your name~Amen
On another note Tomorrow I will officially be 4 weeks, so early! I feel really nauseous today but I think part of that is the nerves on waiting for the drs to call back. And I have a lot of drainage allergy wise. But right now it's like I have butterflies in my stomach. I have to go into work so I guess for now I'll have to hang up and for you followers I'll try and update tonight what the blood results where if I don't get in to late.
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Is this real? I'm pregnant!!!!!
I can not even believe it! I'm so incredibly excited! Yesterday I was having lower back pain and I went to the bathroom and had light spotting when I wiped but nothing else. My period isn't due until Saturday. Well I woke up this morning at 6 am took my temperature got up to use the bathroom then went back to bed. So when my alarm went off at 7:30 am I have no idea what it was that made me want to take a test. I knew it was going to be negative. But I took one and it had a tiny little faint line show up:
So then I start to kick myself. Why on earth did I not take one this morning when I had held it all night instead of taking one an hour and a half after I already peed. So then at that moment Isaac walks back into the house he had left for work and hour ago but forgot something he needed so came back to get it. So I showed him the test and he saw the line.( its much more noticeable in person than in pictures)
So I decided I'm not going to let myself pee again till my lunch break and I'll take one at work on my lunch break. So 12:30 rolls around and boom. Another faint positive this one was really hard to get a good picture of:
The line is definitely there. So then I'm like maybe what if they are both evaporation lines. Though I know it's highly unlikely to get evaporation lines in two different tests. So I send a pic to my sister and she called me and told me she could definitely make out the other line. I have to be pregnant. So I decided since I have some digital tests at home that will say pregnant not pregnant.....that I would try one of those and I would not go to the bathroom for as long as I could in order to get the most accurate response.
So I waited and for those of you who know you can't use the bathroom suddenly have to use the bathroom so bad. Just like in a movie theater you know you shouldn't get up to go but you just have to go so bad. So that was me all afternoon but I held out and on my way home decided to pick up a different kind of pregnancy test as well so I could do the digital and a pink dye test.
So I got home peed in a cup and started freaking out! I'm pregnant!
Looks like it is official. I still don't know what to think. I'm so incredibly excited but keep asking myself is this real? Is this a dream?
But I guess after four confirmed tests I can't deny it anymore:
I feel so incredibly blessed. God knew I was at the point where I felt I was done. I didn't know how I would handle another failed cycle....even though I was still having my doubts on if this cycle even worked.
We called my mother in law to tell her and apparently she had us on her blue tooth on the car and she started screaming and crying so hysterically and when she could finally talk she yelled. Oh my Gosh! I just had to pull over I couldn't even drive! She was ecstatic and her hysteria made all of us laugh and cry.
I'm so excited. On Monday I go in for my blood work to confirm and see what the numbers are.
I have so many emotions going through my mind right now so many exciting things. I can't even think straight.
This is just the next chapter on the journey to motherhood.
So I decided I'm not going to let myself pee again till my lunch break and I'll take one at work on my lunch break. So 12:30 rolls around and boom. Another faint positive this one was really hard to get a good picture of:
So I waited and for those of you who know you can't use the bathroom suddenly have to use the bathroom so bad. Just like in a movie theater you know you shouldn't get up to go but you just have to go so bad. So that was me all afternoon but I held out and on my way home decided to pick up a different kind of pregnancy test as well so I could do the digital and a pink dye test.
So I got home peed in a cup and started freaking out! I'm pregnant!
But I guess after four confirmed tests I can't deny it anymore:
I feel so incredibly blessed. God knew I was at the point where I felt I was done. I didn't know how I would handle another failed cycle....even though I was still having my doubts on if this cycle even worked.
We called my mother in law to tell her and apparently she had us on her blue tooth on the car and she started screaming and crying so hysterically and when she could finally talk she yelled. Oh my Gosh! I just had to pull over I couldn't even drive! She was ecstatic and her hysteria made all of us laugh and cry.
I'm so excited. On Monday I go in for my blood work to confirm and see what the numbers are.
I have so many emotions going through my mind right now so many exciting things. I can't even think straight.
This is just the next chapter on the journey to motherhood.
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Adoption is not a fallback plan.
Lately I'm not sure why but I can not get it out of my head. We have always wanted to adopt and maybe as time grows near for us to decide when to do it I'm realizing how near and dear to my heart this is. Adoption isn't a "second choice" for us. It is a choice we know we will be making for our family despite how things play out with our fertility. But I know that people wont see it that way. But I do not care. I can not say the amount of times I've heard oh start and adoption process then you'll get pregnant. If that were to happen we would still want to go through the adoption.
Adoption is a beautiful thing. It is an opportunity to love unconditionally and to help someone in need. Occasionally I look at other blogs of women who have or are struggling with infertility. And through one of these blogs I was able to find an adoption site that I am interested in.
It's called Life time adoption
Isaac and I have talked and decided that we will give ourselves till December and if we are not pregnant by then we will find and agency and fill out an application and sign up in January. Originally we thought only three treatment cycles and that's it. But since we met our deductible already for medical expenses our insurance has covered the past two treatment cycles and apparently will until November. But even though I plan to think positively and believe for the best, this is something in both of our hearts so I want to be prepared for it in the future regardless.
I want to love all those babies that no one else wants to love. I want to be a blessing and just let them know they are wanted. We don't need a newborn. And actually we always said we would love to adopt a sibling pair in order to keep them together, but I think that would be when we are older, since we are talking most likely about older siblings. But before that we would love a toddler or younger.
I still don't have a clue how this treatment cycle left. I feel nothing. Normally during the two week wait I can spot every symptom in the book and be like Oh yes there is something. Nothing feels like that right now for me. The only things I've noticed is: Still having heartburn, a few slight pulling sensations in my ovary/uterus area when I sneeze or cough. And slight fluttering or cramping occasionally. I'm only 10 days past ovulation today. But that means in just 5 more days I'll be able to get that blood test done.
I haven't decided if I want to take a home pregnancy test before then. I guess I'll wait and see.
Adoption is a beautiful thing. It is an opportunity to love unconditionally and to help someone in need. Occasionally I look at other blogs of women who have or are struggling with infertility. And through one of these blogs I was able to find an adoption site that I am interested in.
It's called Life time adoption
Isaac and I have talked and decided that we will give ourselves till December and if we are not pregnant by then we will find and agency and fill out an application and sign up in January. Originally we thought only three treatment cycles and that's it. But since we met our deductible already for medical expenses our insurance has covered the past two treatment cycles and apparently will until November. But even though I plan to think positively and believe for the best, this is something in both of our hearts so I want to be prepared for it in the future regardless.
I want to love all those babies that no one else wants to love. I want to be a blessing and just let them know they are wanted. We don't need a newborn. And actually we always said we would love to adopt a sibling pair in order to keep them together, but I think that would be when we are older, since we are talking most likely about older siblings. But before that we would love a toddler or younger.
I still don't have a clue how this treatment cycle left. I feel nothing. Normally during the two week wait I can spot every symptom in the book and be like Oh yes there is something. Nothing feels like that right now for me. The only things I've noticed is: Still having heartburn, a few slight pulling sensations in my ovary/uterus area when I sneeze or cough. And slight fluttering or cramping occasionally. I'm only 10 days past ovulation today. But that means in just 5 more days I'll be able to get that blood test done.
I haven't decided if I want to take a home pregnancy test before then. I guess I'll wait and see.
Saturday, August 9, 2014
I can't run from this
No matter how much I try to think that if I have an amazing vacation everything will be okay. But the truth is...even though yes so far this vacation has been amazing. We leave Myrtle Beach tomorrow morning but I still have another 4 days off work. And even though I know all of this it doesn't make looking at my situation any easier.
I don't want to say I'm depressed for that I feel is too strong of a word. I think it's more just tired and worn out emotionally. And there is only so far a vacation can take care of that. When you've been fighting the same battle month after month there comes a time that when you step away for a week you think it will help you feel refreshed but it doesn't fix anything. I think it just gives me only enough strength to keep going without completely losing my sanity.
I still have no idea how this cycle worked out. I want to be hopeful but I think at this point I'm so use to dissapointment I don't have any fight left in me. I know that sounds like a horrible thing to say but at this point I just feel like I'm going through the motions.
Normally during the two week wait Isaac and I are constantly talking optimistically about how we will tell people when we find out. What we will say, when the baby will be born ect; but we've barely said anything about it this month. I think in part its been so good for us to get away to keep our minds off it. It's allowed that not be the only thing occupying our minds.
I have hope. I really want this all to work out. But I also know that nothing I do at this point is going to change anything. If it's meant to be it will be.
I am just so very very tired of this journey. If this treatment cycle doesn't work Isaac and I will officially be over 2 years trying to conceive.
I just got news right before vacation that another friend I know is pregnant, but this time on accident. Oh how I wish that could be me. Don't get me wrong she is an amazing person and I am so excited for her but deep down I can't help but feel a little envious. I don't think that will ever go away until I have a child to call my own.
So for now I will take it day by day and try and rest along the way as I go. But it's so much easier said then done. I feel like my Christ like attitude is being chipped away bit by bit. And I hate it. I don't want to give in to my flesh I want to surrender everything to God...truly and lay it down at his feet. Right now I think it's just a matter of trying to see how.
How do I not allow something that every day shows me that I'm broken not to rule my day. How can I get to a point where I'm okay. I don't have the answers. But I think He'll show me eventually.
I do remember though even though I feel broken He uses people that were broken:
Moses- had trouble speaking in public
Gideon-was a coward hiding instead of fighting till the Lord called Him out
David-was a adulterer murderer and liar
Jonah-Was bitter and rebellious
Those are just a few the list could go on and on. I want to get to a point where I know He can use me despite what I am. He uses the broken. And I am broken. I can not run from this.
I don't want to say I'm depressed for that I feel is too strong of a word. I think it's more just tired and worn out emotionally. And there is only so far a vacation can take care of that. When you've been fighting the same battle month after month there comes a time that when you step away for a week you think it will help you feel refreshed but it doesn't fix anything. I think it just gives me only enough strength to keep going without completely losing my sanity.
I still have no idea how this cycle worked out. I want to be hopeful but I think at this point I'm so use to dissapointment I don't have any fight left in me. I know that sounds like a horrible thing to say but at this point I just feel like I'm going through the motions.
Normally during the two week wait Isaac and I are constantly talking optimistically about how we will tell people when we find out. What we will say, when the baby will be born ect; but we've barely said anything about it this month. I think in part its been so good for us to get away to keep our minds off it. It's allowed that not be the only thing occupying our minds.
I have hope. I really want this all to work out. But I also know that nothing I do at this point is going to change anything. If it's meant to be it will be.
I am just so very very tired of this journey. If this treatment cycle doesn't work Isaac and I will officially be over 2 years trying to conceive.
I just got news right before vacation that another friend I know is pregnant, but this time on accident. Oh how I wish that could be me. Don't get me wrong she is an amazing person and I am so excited for her but deep down I can't help but feel a little envious. I don't think that will ever go away until I have a child to call my own.
So for now I will take it day by day and try and rest along the way as I go. But it's so much easier said then done. I feel like my Christ like attitude is being chipped away bit by bit. And I hate it. I don't want to give in to my flesh I want to surrender everything to God...truly and lay it down at his feet. Right now I think it's just a matter of trying to see how.
How do I not allow something that every day shows me that I'm broken not to rule my day. How can I get to a point where I'm okay. I don't have the answers. But I think He'll show me eventually.
I do remember though even though I feel broken He uses people that were broken:
Moses- had trouble speaking in public
Gideon-was a coward hiding instead of fighting till the Lord called Him out
David-was a adulterer murderer and liar
Jonah-Was bitter and rebellious
Those are just a few the list could go on and on. I want to get to a point where I know He can use me despite what I am. He uses the broken. And I am broken. I can not run from this.
A time for Rest: The entry on the drive down to Myrtle Beach
So like I said this might be going backwards from my last entry but I want to share what I wrote on the long 10 hour drive down to Myrtle Beach for our vacation. I also think I'll be writing a current entry too:
A Time For Rest
Right now I am reminded of Ecclesiastes there is a time for everything under the sun. And this week as I head to Myrtle Beach it's a time to relax to rest and remove myself from the current infertility struggles, work frustrations ect; I want to let this trip be truly refreshing and to remind me what is important. Right now I'm just so tired of feeling overwhelmed. I want to just stop and rest in everything God has in store. I want to have victory this month when dealing with my infertility. I want the frustrations at work to go away but that isn't going to just happen I have to let it bounce off of me. All of it. But with the way things are going lately I feel more like a rock on a ocean cliff side determined to stand my ground as the waves crash against me. They will not be able to pull me down since I am grounded in the strength of the cliff wall (Or in my case my faith and promises God has given to me. The fact that even though things are not going how I want them to go right now He still has a purpose for me every day). But through the constant hammering of the waves some of the rock face has become damaged and worn. But just like the ocean side cliff there is beauty in the white foamy waves crashing against the rocks. I think of how I use to naturally gravitate towards positive thinking in any situation. But now it feels like I can naturally find the negative and I hate it. Part of me feels I can blame the medication but the other part is that I'm just so disappointed in myself for allowing myself to get to that point. I don't think its something that in the past few months just happened I feel more like its been due to the waves of life and disappointments in this journey crashing against me over and over again I don't want that. I've had good things the past two years take place. I've also been blessed with so much: Isaac and I are closer, I've made new friends, I have a great job. I need to change my reactions to these current struggles. I don't think its necessarily my thought process I need to change but how I openly respond to it. I need to take every thought captive and surrender it to God. It gets so hard to do sometimes. I compare my struggles and find it unfair and frustrating but in the back of my mind I know God has a plan for me. I know His ways are higher than mine and that in the end I'll look back and not want it any other way. I just pray that god will refresh me over this next week to help me get back to myself.
Friday, August 8, 2014
Such a needed Vacation
We are at Myrtle Beach and it has been so incredibly amazing. I keep feeling like I need to do something but thankfully we are with friends that just make me take time to relax and do nothing. It's so easy for me to just rush and rush and rush since I am just so use to filling time and just trying to get to the next step in this journey.
I really have no idea how things worked out for me this cycle. I can say my chart is more consistent then last cycle. My post ovulation levels are way higher than they were last month.
I've actually never had my temps get this high after ovulation even on my highest days I've never gotten about 98.9 more than one day. So I'm taking that as a sign the higher level of progesterone is working. So I'm excited about that.
On another note I have had a ton of heartburn though. Which could be in part though from the fact that we have been eating out almost every day at least once. The food here is phenomenal and everything is just so incredibly fresh.
On the way down to Myrtle Beach I had a pretty decent journal entry in my notebook. So I will be typing that into here as an entry on a different post. Though it kind of feels like going backwards since I'm so relaxed and enjoying things now.
However I am so not looking forward to going back to work. Thankfully I have 5 more days off...so it's not over yet and I will enjoy every minute of it I can.
I really have no idea how things worked out for me this cycle. I can say my chart is more consistent then last cycle. My post ovulation levels are way higher than they were last month.
On another note I have had a ton of heartburn though. Which could be in part though from the fact that we have been eating out almost every day at least once. The food here is phenomenal and everything is just so incredibly fresh.
On the way down to Myrtle Beach I had a pretty decent journal entry in my notebook. So I will be typing that into here as an entry on a different post. Though it kind of feels like going backwards since I'm so relaxed and enjoying things now.
However I am so not looking forward to going back to work. Thankfully I have 5 more days off...so it's not over yet and I will enjoy every minute of it I can.
Saturday, August 2, 2014
We may have missed our chance
So it appears the medication worked a little faster than we anticipated it would. The Dr had told me to trigger with the Ovidrel on Friday evening but Friday morning my temperature was in the post ovulation range. I called the Dr's office and asked what I should do if I should still trigger or start the progesterone supplements early. She said to still trigger and time the intercourse.
But what if we missed our chances. It looks like I had already ovulated and we only had sex the one time during the window......I guess in part its a good thing. Now my mind wont be so wrapped up with how likely it should be that I get pregnant since we are having two eggs released with three perfectly timed days of intercourse. Now I'm more thinking...great most likely only the one egg was released and we only had sex the one time AND I didn't put my legs up or wait 30 minutes before standing or all the little tricks everyone tells you to do.
I suppose in part it's all relative. I could tell myself people get pregnant every day that don't practice any tricks. But we women who struggle with infertility know exactly how much of a miracle it is. We truly realize that from conception to delivery God has to be at work for something so amazing to occur. If only it would occur when we want it to.
I'll be heading to the Beach on Monday. I am just so excited to get away from it all. Stop thinking about fertility stop thinking about conceiving. All of it and just to let it go. I would love to enjoy a few drinks while there during this two week wait but I think Isaac would be a opposed to that.
So I guess now it's all a waiting game....yet again. I honestly feel like I can't enjoy the now. My period starts and I wait for cycle day 12 when I can go in and see if the medication is working, then I wait for the timed intercourse, then I wait to see if my period comes and it just starts all over again. With all this waiting and anticipation it is getting really hard to focus on the actual day. On how I can make a difference. What opportunities the entire month has verses just waiting.
If this cycle doesn't work I think I am willing to try 2 more then I'm done. I know at first we said okay 3 cycles and that's it; but due to the surprise that insurance covered the first one and that my body didn't respond to the medication like it should have we are going to let that slide. Or maybe that's just my excuse to not admit defeat. To not be ready to give up on this dream.
Either way the moment I feel God saying stop. I will stop. So until then I will just keep trucking along. But I'll try not to go so fast that I miss the opportunities that surround me every day.
But what if we missed our chances. It looks like I had already ovulated and we only had sex the one time during the window......I guess in part its a good thing. Now my mind wont be so wrapped up with how likely it should be that I get pregnant since we are having two eggs released with three perfectly timed days of intercourse. Now I'm more thinking...great most likely only the one egg was released and we only had sex the one time AND I didn't put my legs up or wait 30 minutes before standing or all the little tricks everyone tells you to do.
I suppose in part it's all relative. I could tell myself people get pregnant every day that don't practice any tricks. But we women who struggle with infertility know exactly how much of a miracle it is. We truly realize that from conception to delivery God has to be at work for something so amazing to occur. If only it would occur when we want it to.
I'll be heading to the Beach on Monday. I am just so excited to get away from it all. Stop thinking about fertility stop thinking about conceiving. All of it and just to let it go. I would love to enjoy a few drinks while there during this two week wait but I think Isaac would be a opposed to that.
So I guess now it's all a waiting game....yet again. I honestly feel like I can't enjoy the now. My period starts and I wait for cycle day 12 when I can go in and see if the medication is working, then I wait for the timed intercourse, then I wait to see if my period comes and it just starts all over again. With all this waiting and anticipation it is getting really hard to focus on the actual day. On how I can make a difference. What opportunities the entire month has verses just waiting.
If this cycle doesn't work I think I am willing to try 2 more then I'm done. I know at first we said okay 3 cycles and that's it; but due to the surprise that insurance covered the first one and that my body didn't respond to the medication like it should have we are going to let that slide. Or maybe that's just my excuse to not admit defeat. To not be ready to give up on this dream.
Either way the moment I feel God saying stop. I will stop. So until then I will just keep trucking along. But I'll try not to go so fast that I miss the opportunities that surround me every day.
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