This right here just makes me so angry! It also reminds me of what was lost and rips the band aid right back off. This is the hospital bill I get to pay for absolutely nothing(only $405 less then the labor and delivery fee I paid for Ezekiel). Only this time there will be no baby joining us on the ride home.  I think a lot of people look at me and say wow she's doing so good.  She's keeeping a positive outlook and to be honest for the most part yes I am.  I am blessed with an amazing support system and a vision for the future which helps get me through every single day.  But you know what.  I'm still grieving.  I still think about the fall and how my two friends will be walking into Church with their new babies and I won't have mine.  I try to tell myself I'm not "pregnant" but in a different way(through adoption) but in reality nothing can replace that loss.  Today is very emotional.  I will get past it and continue to move forward but truth is....it stings.  It hurts and is so hard to feel.  But I need to feel in order to heal.  So I will let myself be sad because through that I will find peace. 

Yesterday I had a slight melt down.  Maybe melt down isn't the right word but right before work we received a break down of the hospital bill for our miscarriage.  It's only $500 less than the labor and delivery fee from when I had Ezekiel.  I realized I was going to be paying so much money for nothing.  Absolutely nothing.  And I broke.  I began to cry and be frustrated with the entire situation.  Isaac and I decided to just take the money we have put aside in savings and pay it off in order to spare the emotional trauma of every month sending in a check to the hospital or making a monthly payment as it would only serve as a constant reminder of what happened.  Again though I began to think of us adopting and bringing in a child in need and it blessed my heart.  I want this so badly.  I know in my heart it is the right decision for us.

Isaac and I finally sat down together and went over the adoption information that the agency sent us.  We both feel really good about them.  We also both are seeming to lean to wanting to start everything this year at some point.  We came up with a list of questions to go over with them. 

So there it is:  The small current update on our situation. 

Three stars to represent our three losses.  On the foot to represent moving forward.  I'll never forget those due dates:. April 22(you would have been two years old). June 15th (You'd just be turning a year old just a few days before your older brother turns two). October 28th (We would have been greeted by your sweet face).  Life moves forward and we are following God's leading into the next chapter and journey of our lives.  We don't exactly know what's ahead but we do know it will be AMAZING.

Today you would have turned 2 years old....or if you came early like Ezekiel you would have already turned two.  It's amazing how a date can just sneak up on you:

 April 22nd

June 15th

October 28th

These are the due dates of our angel babies.  Today I was so glad to be busy at work to help pass the time and not think about the date.  To be honest I almost made it the whole day without realizing what the actual date was. 

I feel sad currently.  Not necessarily for a specific loss but just about the entire situation.  How excited we were to have our hopes so high only to loose it.  But it is also hard because April 26th is Nathan's birthday.....or rather was Nathan's birthday.  He would have been turning 24.  I have two losses that both coincide very closely with Nathan.  I'm not sure how I feel about that.  The one due date just a few days before his birthday was.  The last one just a few days before he died.  

I know that the one in October is going to be very hard for me.  Not just because of the other emotions that come with him being gone but also since I have two close friends I see on a regular basis one will be having a baby in August, the other September and we thought it was amazing I was coming along to have the next one in October.  So I will see these beautiful little babies.  These gifts from God and not have my own.  I already feel robbed.  I feel sad, angry and upset.  

I still am not ready to try again or to put myself out there that way.  I still just want to move forward with adoption continue to heal and just take things day by day.  Following God's leading.

He heals the brokenhearted And binds up their wounds.  Psalm 147:3

I have started and stopped this post so many times in different ways only to go back and delete them.  So for now I'm going to try to keep it simple:

For the first time in what feels like forever I decided to used protection when getting intimate with my husband.  I could tell I was ovulating and realized that I did not want to get pregnant.  I had quite a mixture of emotions with this feeling.  Guilt that what if by some crazy happenstance this causes us to miss out on a actual pregnancy that is mean to be.  But then the realization that this confirms that I really am ready to move on and to pursue adoption.  That is where my heart is.  I want to put the effort I was using into trying to get pregnant into bringing a beautiful child already here into our homes.  It also showed me that I still need time to heal.  I need time to get past this loss before I'll be willing to open myself up that way again.  We had started planning all our lives on adding this bundle of joy in October to our family and it will not be.  It still hurts.  I still get moments of sadness where I try to take that and put it towards being productive.  I'm willing to open myself to the hardships and heartbreak that come come with adoption.  I think about the kids that God must have for us to bring into our family now. 

Isaac and I went to visit friends this past weekend and where able to take the 5.5 hour drive in the car to talk.  It felt good to be open and able to share my emotions after 2 weeks.  And was wonderful to hear how he felt too.  It seems we are on the same page. He shared with me how he would one day really like to try again naturally but that he is just giving that decision to me.  He knows we are called to adopt and for now he feels we should stop take a step back on the conception journey and move forward with adoption.  We both agree we shouldn't put our life on hold for the possibility of getting pregnant.  And if we where to miraculously become pregnant on our own in between we both still feel like this shouldn't stop us from moving forward in adopting.  In May we will go to orientation and get all the info we need and then decide/pray about if we start this year or next year or later down the road.  If in the future I'm at a place of healing, or have Peace about doing Fertility medications again we will cross that bridge then but for now we feel it's time to move on.  Isaac shared with me he really wants to at least try to have one more through pregnancy some time down the road but if I never get there he will 100% understand and stand by me either way.  I asked him what happens if I never get there?  He said then that's okay and he wont ever be bitter or regretful.

This is where we are and this is where we are going.  It is a lot to take in and I don't know what the future holds but I do know that we will face it together.  We both believe when we go in May that we will know after orientation if we are meant to adopt now or later.  And I won't rush a decision.  I will trust that we will follow God's leading and he will open the doors that should be open as they need to be.  So until then I will enjoy every second of my beautiful baby boy and continue to love on him.  I will pray for those kids who will end up coming to us.  I pray for their safety.  That God would begin to prepare their hearts for us.  To know that we are there to love them unconditionally no matter what.

I am humbled to see the work that God is doing in my own heart.  I kept praying looking around and hoping Isaac and I would line up together with what God wants for us all the while thinking in the back of my mind that I don't need anything changed I already know exactly what we should do.  But on Monday I was hit with a realization: 

We received the adoption information guide and requirements from the agency on adopting through the foster care system.  This is the organization that we are going to the orientation with on May 11th.  After receiving the information I received an email from the director.  She just wanted to make us aware, since it is not in the packet that their agency deals with children that are already released for adoption or are very close to being released.  Because of this there is either little to no chance of having a child placed with you to have them taken away after.  But also because of this they adopt out primarily ages 5+ and sibling pairs.  If we are looking for younger she can recommend another agency to go with that does the foster to adopt program but that most of the time in situations like that there is a higher chance of children being placed with you to have them taken away or going back to the parents after.  I read her email and forwarded it to Isaac and I sat and digested this information.  Thinking of jumping from toddler to older is a huge step but it's one that I'm feeling compelled to take.  If you look back a few posts you'll see where I had that sleepless night where all I could think about are the kids who feel unloved.  Who walk into a home knowing that it's only temporary.  Who wonder if I do something wrong are they going to love me?  Are they going to send me back?  Those are the kids I want to take into my arms and smother with love.  Those are the kids I want to be able to tell them You are loved.  You are wanted!  And those are the kids that are 5+.  The ones who know what is going on.  Who know that the chances for them to get adopted might never come.  I forwarded the email to Isaac wondering how he would feel about this.  I realize my heart change has slowly been happening.....we always said no infants that we would do older.....but I also remember thinking in the past to myself we should stick with 3 and under in order to eliminate or minimize any behavioral issues that come with feeling rejected or the hard life of before....I was amazed that I didn't care anymore about those issues.  That it was kids with the feelings of rejection and hurt that I wanted to show unconditional love to.  I forwarded the email to Isaac and received these text just a few minutes later:

Isaac:  How do you feel about adopting older?

Me: (Realizing he is offering for me to speak my heart since we had decided to take time separately and process/pray about it on our own...I can speak....I told him what I said above: how I feel that is what we should do, unless God leads us to siblings, or another direction but that I am okay with it)  I finished with What about you?

Isaac:  I'm okay with it.  Honestly I was concerned with adopting younger.  I think we are on the same page though

Those words....those three sweet beautiful sentences!  I realized that God is really doing a work in both of us right now.  When he got home I asked him when his mind changed on the age for adopting....he told me about a year ago he started thinking that when we adopt we need to be open to adopt older.

So you see here I was sitting there praying for God to touch and change his heart when really it was mine that God was working on.  Mine God was nudging in the direction to go a certain way.  I was humbled.

Philippians 1:6 
And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.


I ask that God would continue to bring my heart in line with him.  I ask that He would show us the timeline we should start this.  This isn't something to rush into and yes we have talked about this for almost 11 years now.  But as we are taking steps to get closer and closer to this I want to be sure we are still in the right timing.  God has already sees the ending here.  I know this journey will be full of ups downs and where do we go type questions and situations.  I want to just rest knowing that God will open the doors He wants to open and close those he wants closed for us.

I know to some of you readers it may seem I'm just jumping from one thing to another in order to fill a hole that was left.  I can assure you that is not the case.  I have so much relief with the thought of not trying again.  With the thought of going down this path over another round of fertility medication.  I feel like that in and of itself speaks volumes.  But being that I feel relief and have joy at the thought of pursuing adoption shows me that I am definitely ready to move on.  To let go.    Now I just pray that Isaac feels the same way or God changes my heart so we get on the same page....again we haven't talked yet so I dont know how he feels.  Last night I asked if he was ready to talk he asked for more time.  I shall give him that.  I told him I'm ready when he is.   

I'm not going to say we will never try again.  On the contrary I feel most likely a few years down the road we may.  But when we do I want it to be after we have already pursued that which God has placed on our hearts with adoption.  I don't want to miss out on loving a child or plan my life around what ifs and hopes.  I want to move forward with a purpose and I want to start a new race.