The Tattoo

Here it is.  It is so perfect I cried.  This represents Nathan constantly watching out for us but also his spirit being free and no longer bound to this earth.  He is able to sore to new heights and heavens and explore the universe beyond. 

Closure

Today I am hoping for a little closure.  A little healing.  Today I will be getting the memorial tattoo for Nathan.  I know I said I started therapy well we ended up taking two weeks off since the therapist was on vacation then the next week she was sick so asked if we could reschedule.  So I had the one session then two weeks in between before the next one.  So this week I started again and when I went in I didn't really have anything to talk about.  It was awkward and forced.  She asked how I had been dealing emotionally and I told her currently I felt fine.  That I almost cancelled the appointment because I just didn't feel that overwhelming sense of grief that felt like it was crippling me that I felt before.  So at the end of the session we decided that I would not need her on a regular basis.  She said she will keep my file in case I feel like I need to come back in but that she thinks I should just be an open case so that if those emotions hit with full force like that I can call her but she said it sounded like I was doing well on my own.  And I am.  I feel like I'm doing well.  I know that I've had a lot of great healing experiences but that it wont ever fully heal.

The pain of knowing he is gone forever on this world is so heart breaking.  But I know that God has walked me through it every step of the way.  After I get the tattoo I will post a picture.  The point of the concept is going to be that his spirit is now free and he is no longer bound by this world.  But I also feel like he hasn't quite left us yet.  That his spirit is enjoying life with us now but in a way where he isn't experiencing pain and is able to see the beauty in all things.  I know he would love it.  So that is why I've been somewhat silent the past few days it's in part because I have had a lot going on.

 Last weekend we traveled to visit friends who are Ezekiel's godparents.  It was the first time traveling for a long period of time in the car with Ezekiel(6hours) and he did great the way there.  The way back however......not so great.  I know in part it was from the mountains and his little ears where popping.  We pulled over to the side of the road numerous times in order for me to nurse him so that hopefully it would help.  Of the 6 hour drive he spent probably about half of it crying or screaming.  It got to the point I was so frustrated because I couldn't do anything for him and so I started crying myself.  I also started putting my book together on the journey that we have walked through.  I'm excited to share my thoughts and feelings with the world.


  I can not believe he's over 10 weeks now.  I took two pictures of him one at one week and one at 10 weeks to see the comparison and it is amazing:

You can still see the resemblance but now there is just so much character in that little face

I can't believe I only have about a week left to be with this little guy every day.  I have to be honest though I am excited about going back to work.  Not quite ready but excited if that makes sense.  I miss my co workers and my clients.  I'm ready to get out of the house for myself every couple days for a few hours.  But that doesn't mean I wont miss this guy every second I am gone.

My milk supply has suddenly regulated.  It seemed like it was an overnight change.  I went from pumping an additional 13+ ounces every day to 8 ounces.  I think mostly that in part because he is eating more so I'm not having quite as much left in me when he is done.  He has gotten really good at becoming an efficient eater.

And on top of that this week he slept 7-8 hour stretches every single night.  It has been such a huge adjustment.  But at the same time it has actually made me feel more tired than before I think because I'm just not used to sleep that long of a stretch. 

Time

I kind of feel like I'm not sure what to write about because I have so many different things on my mind it is hard for me to limit it to one topic.  I feel almost like everything is somewhat cloudy.  So be prepared this is going to be a very random post....the day's are mushing together and life is going way too fast.  As of today I only have two weeks left of maternity leave.  Two weeks left spending every single day with my precious angel. 

I know that I still will get so much time with him, after all I'm only going to work 14 hours a week but it is still 14 hours away from my beautiful little angel.  I know I will miss him.  Right now I'm just attempting to take advantage of the time and the snuggles and love on my little guy as much as possible.  But at the same time I feel so ready to get back to work.  So ready to see my co workers and clients and just get out every few days and have some time to myself.

Lately I've just felt like running away.  Not from Isaac or Ezekiel.....it's hard to explain what I mean.  I guess this is the best way for me to put it.  I know that one day Isaac and I are going to open an orphanage in Africa.  That is a dream that God has placed in our hearts and something that i know will come to pass eventually.  We also both have a desire to move to California one day.  Isaac for work(he wants to work in the video game scene) and me just because for some reason I have always had the desire to live there.  But now that Ezekiel is here and week after week is suddenly flying by so fast and I realize we seem so far away from these dreams.   I guess seeing him grow up so fast has kind of forced me to see in perspective how fast time really does fly by.  You can say it but when you see it before your very eyes by the weekly pictures you take it is a whole other story.   

I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was that was making me feel this way.  To feel so restless.  I kept asking Isaac to give me time lines, or goals of timing and when he couldn't or wouldn't I would get so frustrated.  But I know we are where we are supposed to be right now.  We are supposed to be in Pittsburgh with our son and our current jobs.  But I feel like time is going so fast and if we don't start moving towards those goals next thing we know it will be too late.

It makes me go back to the very first tattoo I ever got:

I got the tattoo of Africa on my foot with the scripture from Isaiah 6:8 " Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?”And I said, “Here am I. Send me!”  I got this on my foot to remind me that every every choice I make is a step that will take me either closer to the dreams and callings we have or further away.  So I guess what I've kind of lost sight of is the little by little steps.  The things I can control: such as paying off our dept as fast as possible.  And just every day making decisions that will help put me in the right mind set.  I need to focus on just taking things day by day.  Yes i can look towards the goals and towards the prize but a race is won one step at a time you can't leap from the start line to the finish line without having a lot of hard work in between.

So for now this is my cry:

Heavenly Father, all I want it to be used by you in the place that I am at now.  I want to shine your light to my friends and co workers.  I want to be a good steward over all that you have blessed us with.   I want so badly to be a light and to work to let other's know you.  But I focus too much on the big picture but life isn't about the big picture.  It's about the little tings.  About the every day moments that take place.  I pray that you would help me to make the most of these every day moments.  Help me to focus on being a blessing to others and slowly working towards the goal you have given us.  Give me wisdom to know which direction to walk.  In your name I pray.  ~Amen

Ezekiel's first laugh

Yes this just happened....

Thought you would appreciate the story of Ezekiel's first laugh Isaac and I came to the nursery together to put Ezekiel to bed well i decide I'm going to nurse him and then put him down so he puts his mouth over my nipple but he isn't doing anything so I look down at him to see what's up and he just gives this huge grin so I start laughing so then he laughs (he had never laughed before tonight) so I start laughing again so then he starts laughing all the while my nipple is still in his mouth. And we just kept going back in forth till Isaac and I were laughing so hard we were crying then he just started looking concerned but all the while he never took his face away from the boob It was hilarious.

2 months old

Yesterday this little guy turned 2 months old!  My how time has flown by.  Being that he turned two months old it was also time for his first round of vaccinations.  He took it like a champ.  He cried as she did it then as soon as I picked him up he stopped.  I did have to give him one dose of tylenol a few hours later as he was fussy and in some discomfort.  Every time he moved his legs he would start crying and even was whimpering in his sleep so after I gave him the tylenol he was like a different baby and just slept all day.  But since he slept all day it also threw his sleep cycle off and he was up at midnight and then stayed up till a little after 3 am.  But he was smiley and happy for me so I didn't mind.  I guess in part that is what netflix is for.  But then he woke up every hour to two hours till finally at 8 am he said enough he wasn't going back to bed and has been fighting sleep till about an hour ago.  But even then the only way I could get him to sleep was put him in the moby wrap and hold him that way.  That's okay I'll take my baby snuggles.

Here he was this morning

All smiles and a happy little camper.  So I guess he's officially feeling better.

This weekend we will be traveling a 6 hour car ride in order to visit his godparents and just to have a little weekend get away.  Hoping he does okay in the car.  It will be our first long trip with him in there and good practice since on Labor day weekend we have another 6 hour drive to visit Isaac's grandfather and let him meet his first great grand child.

So all in all a busy weekend ahead of us.

8 Weeks Old

He is 8 weeks old today and just so stinking cute!  I am so very much in love with him.  And I'm also so thrilled it seems like his red hair is staying.  At least for now.  I always thought to myself I would love to have a little ginger baby but I never bothered to pray for it since I have always had blonde hair and Isaac has brown the only person who has red in their hair that I'm aware of its Isaac's Mom who has strawberry blonde hair.

His personality is coming out more and more.  He loves to look around and observe things.  He has begun to reach out and hit at and occasionally grab at things.  Any time his pacifier(binkie) is in his mouth he grabs onto it and just holds it...sometimes accidentally knocking it out of his mouth.  But he's getting so very big.

I only have just over 3 weeks before I go back to work and just the thought of it makes me so sad.  I thought about working a 8 hour shift without seeing him and got all teary eyed.  I know I'm only going to have one day a week like that but still it breaks my heart.  I told Isaac I feel like he is going to double in size on those days!

But I know I'm just being a little ridiculous.  But love does that to you.  He is definitely going through a growth spurt he has begun sleeping a lot the past few days.  But it's amazing to watch him begin to notice the world around him.  I'm excited to see the rest of the world come to light for him.

Here are a few photos we took today.  I promise before I snapped this selfie he was very happy.  I swear it's like he knew I was trying to get a cute picture of the two of us.

He rolled over!

I decided I needed or wanted a change.  Since giving birth I have had my hair down from a pony tail  a total 3 times for maybe an hour or two each time.  So why not cut it all off and go back to my funky fun colors(being a hair dresser for the past year that's all I was doing until March of this year)  So I took the plunge here is the before and after on the cut then below you'll see I bleached it out and plan on putting lots of fun bright colors in there eventually. 

Before: 

After:

And the color:

My little man, all smiles just melts my heart!  I am so very much in love.  Today we hit a mile stone!  He rolled over for the first time on purpose.  To make sure it wasn't a fluke I kept putting him on his stomach(it was supposed to be tummy time) which he hates and he kept rolling himself over.  I got a video of it:

He has also begun pushing himself up with his feet/legs then holding himself up for a while.  Its amazing how strong he is!  Not even two months old and doing so much.  Time just goes by way too fast!

Cry of My Heart

"In You O Lord I have taken refuge, let me never be put to shame.  Deliver me in your righteousness.  Turn your ear to me come quickly to my rescue be my rock of refuge a strong fortress to save me.  Since you are my rock and my fortress for the sake of your name lead and guide me.  Free me from the trap that is set for me.  For you are my refuge into your hands I commit my spirit. Redeem me o lord the god of truth.  I hate those who cling to worthless idols;   I trust in the Lord.  I will be glad and rejoice in your Love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul.  You have not handed me over to the enemy but have set my feet in a spacious place."  Psalm 31:1-8

Turn your ear to me come quickly to my rescue be my rock of refuge a strong fortress to save me.   

I trust in the Lord.  I will be glad and rejoice in your Love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul

This scripture really spoke to me this morning.  It's been really hard actually within the past year for me to enter into worship.  I'll have my moments where I can lay down the distractions and focus on what I should.  But I feel like really it is few and far between.  Mainly it was during emotional Highs I was able to get into the mood of prayer.  During the low's I've just felt so drained of energy not even sure how to enter in.  And then of course lately I've just been distracted with the baby and sleep deprived.  So any free time I have I have wanted to focus on sleep or trying to maintain the house a little bit.

But the work will still be there in a few hours.  The house will get dirty again, but my spirit is suffering.  I miss the times where I would put on worship music and pray for hours.  I miss the times where I would immediately feel the spirit of God come and rest upon me with his peace.  But as much as I miss these things I know that it's still there.  God has never left.  I may feel emotionally drained, or physically tired but through it all God is there.  I may not see him as openly as you can sometimes but I know that He is indeed there. 

Isaiah 55:6-13  "Seek the Lord while he may be found.  Call upon Him while He is near.  Let the wicked forsake his way and the unrighteous man his thoughts let him return to the Lord and He will have mercy on Him and to our God for He will abundantly pardon.  For my Thoughts are not your thoughts nor are your ways My ways says the Lord.  For as the heavens are higher than the earth so are My ways higher than your ways.  And my thoughts than your thoughts.  For as the rain comes down and the snow from heaven and do not return there but water the earth and make it bring forth and bud that it may give seed to the sower and bread to the eater so shall my word be that goes forth from my mouth it shall not return to me void but it shall accomplish what I please and it shall prosper in the things for which I sent it.  For you shall go out with joy and be led out with peace.  The mountains and the hills shall break forth into singing before you, all the trees of the field shall clap their hands Instead of the thorn shall come up the cypress tree, And instead of the brier shall come up the myrtle tree, and it shall be to the Lord for a name for an everlasting sign that shall not be cut off." 


He sees my heart He sees everything that is coming into my mind.  He sees my deepest desires.  Currently I feel my deepest desire is to get back on track.  I want to radiate His glory.  I want people to look at me and see my Love for the Lord.  Even in trials I want to be able to be a light to those that are suffering.  I feel like I just kind of gave up.  Not on my beliefs or my values but on seeking after Him.   I've been tired, weary and worn down and just all around over it.   But that's okay.  Thankfully I serve a God that is bigger than my emotions.  That is bigger than any problem as it tries to come against me.   He is always there in the good and the bad.  His peace rests upon me no matter where I go. 

Heavenly Father you see my heart and my desire towards you to grow closer.  To put you first in all I do.  God I want our family to be where you want us to be.  You said:
"But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."  Matthew 6:33
 God this is my desire.  I want to seek you first.  Seek you first above our finances, above our jobs, above even our own relationships so that we can then have a relationship founded on you.  God I ask that you would give me a hunger and thirst for you and help me Lord to make the time to seek first your kingdom.  God I have so many dreams so many things I know you have called us to be and do so I just ask for your guidance and your wisdom Lord.  Jesus I just pray that you would open the doors you want open Lord and close those that you want shut.  God I thank you for the amazing gift of Ezekiel that you have given to us.  God there is no greater gift then to have a child and to raise him up knowing you.  Let Isaac and I be examples of that.  Let us be examples of your Love and of how if we seek after you that you always answer.  Lord I ask that you would guard our hearts against all evil and temptations.  I pray that you would help us to have peace about the path's you call us to walk on. I want to know you.  I want to reach out to loved ones, friends, co workers.  I want to be a beacon of hope for your love.  And your love unconditionally.  You do see race, color, sexuality.  You love us all and desire all of us to know you.  So I ask that you would help me to be the instrument where people can feel your unconditional love.  No matter where they have been or where they are going.  Let me be a beacon that brings joy and light to them during the journey.  I thank you Lord.  ~Amen

7 weeks

Time is going by way too fast.  Today this little guy was all smiles and joy  7 weeks and 1 day old:

He definitely had me laughing today.  He was making the goofiest faces and just all around was a ham.

He was in an extremely good mood all day.  He didn't cry at all or fuss.  I think in part because he actually slept last night and had a pretty great nap this afternoon too.  He definitely is getting bigger he has only been eating ever 2.5-3 hours now and when he does eat sometimes it for 15 minutes other times for 30 either way he's growing and its amazing to watch him grow.  He did about 15 minutes on the activity mat today before he started fussing and he really was into what he was doing.  It's so fun to watch him learn how to explore and see the world beyond.  But time is going by way too fast.  I can't believe only one more month left off with him.  I know that sounds like Oh well you still have a month but it flies by way too fast.  I'm so happy to have that time but wish it would slow down a little too.  But before I know it he will be crawling, then walking, then talking!  Oh my goodness. 

As to how I'm feeling.  Better.  I think I have a lot to work on emotionally when it comes to Nathan but I'm ready.  I also think there might be some deeper seeded things that need to come to light and be healed when it comes to my relationship with my biological mom as well. 

So I'm excited to see where these things go and where it takes me.  I want healing and restoration in my heart and mind and I know it will come.  One way or another.

I looked at my wonder weeks app today and saw Ezekiel has a week before he goes through his next leep.  Hoping it's not a rough one.  But I'll snuggle him up and make him feel as safe as I possibly can. 

Therapy

I had my first therapy session today.  We didn't talk about much.  I gave her my family history and told her why I was there.  She said she will take the first few sessions just getting to know me, my background ect; and then we will continue with coping ect; and to start I will do every week(minus next week since she is on vacation).  We seemed to mesh pretty good.  She asked questions and made statements that proved her to be very knowledgeable.  And she even mentioned the survivors of suicide support group and some of what they feel.

She did mention a grief group she though I might want to try out but I explained that being an empathic I will suck up all the grief around me and wont really be able to heal or focus on my own healing.  When I talk to someone in pain I immediately want to help them and yet at the same time I succumb to their emotions and hardships as well.

So I really hope this helps.  Already I've been thinking well what comes next.  She knows what happened but she can't change anything so what is the point of going ect;  But I know I can't think like that.  I know I have to press on and move forward.  I know that I can't just not deal with this.  Not deal with the anger, the sadness and the guilt.


On August 29th I'll be getting a tattoo in honor of him.  He took this picture of his eye:

And he drew a picture of a tree covered in fireflies so I will be doing this with the silote of a tree in the pupil covered in fireflies with the fire flies coming up out of the eye to represent him no longer being with us.  I'm very ready.

Today has been a little rough, I am just emotional, sleep deprived and overall just ready for some relaxation.  So Isaac just got home I gave the baby a bath and have handed him over so I can do this entry then I'm going to go take a nap.  I feel just so sleep deprived I am so ready for some rest.

I have a lot more I want to say but I think I need to go take a nap first.

Depression

Today I called a Christian counseling ministry to get the names of therapists who deal with suicide loss and postpartum depression.  I don't think I have postpartum depression since the only thing that I'm sad/struggling with right now is the death of my brother.  But I know the hormones I'm experiencing from giving birth are making it harder than it would be on a regular basis and it's hard enough in general.  I have wonderful friends who two have already agreed to help watch Ezekiel so I can go since it doesn't look like they have the evening hours I would need. 

This has actually been really hard for me to ask them for help.  Mainly because I have always been the one giving the counseling.  I have always been the one able to see the silver lining.  But in the death of a loved one like this there is no silver lining.  You can focus on the future and on all the good things to come but in the back of your mind you know that they are not going to be a part of it.  And no matter how hard you try and focus on the good it can be marred by the idea that they will not be a part of your life. 

I miss my little brother.  That is the whole of what I am feeling.  I feel incomplete and like my heart has been dashed to pieces.  I went back and read some of the journal entries from November when it all happened and even in those entries I kept telling myself to try and stay calm, to stay positive to know it's okay to be sad but that I need to stay at peace for the sake of Ezekiel who was in the womb.  So even looking back just through my journal entries I realize I never really grieved.  I was able to move on and focus and stay busy and pre occupied with other things.  I was able to stay distracted.  In one of my posts I even stated that it was easier when I stayed busy and occupied my mind with other things.

In a way I'm glad for the way I feel.  I was beginning to wonder how I moved on so quickly...but you never really move on.  Not from something like this. 

The phone just rang and it was the therapist she is going on vacation so wants to get me in tomorrow to talk and start working through things.  She said that I can bring Ezekiel.  Which for that I am so grateful!  I was worried about limiting when I can get in since she will be gone.  And thankfully/praise God since we already met our deductible the sessions will only be $9 each.  That in itself is a miracle since I'm not working and have a really hard time spending money right now since it all comes from our savings account.  But thankfully it is all working out to give me peace. 

I'm now really looking forward to meeting with her.  I will definitely get on here and let you all know how it goes. 

Anger

I'm angry.  I don't know any other way to describe how I'm feeling.  Last night hit me really hard that my little brother is gone.  It's been since November but last night it felt so fresh.  We got the tox results back from the coroner a few weeks ago.  There were no drugs in his system except weed.  This means he did not take the mushrooms like we originally though.  It means he planned this from the start of that night.  It means that those last text he sent me just a few hours before was him saying goodbye.  And I had no idea.

If I would have known it was goodbye I would have said so much more.  I would have tried to tell him how much he means to each of us.  How if he did this it would effect all of us.  I feel an overwhelming sense of sadness, anger and disappointment. 

I've been running busy since it all happened.  Able to keep myself occupied with thoughts of joy and happiness that my little miracle was coming.  I knew for his health even in the womb I had to keep it together.  I knew I had to remain positive and calm.  I allowed myself to grieve but I didn't let myself get to a point of depression. 

But I think with all the postpartum hormones, sleep deprivation and all the extra time on my hands things are starting to settle in.  I'm starting to feel those things I was missing before.  I have way too much time to think about what happened and our last conversation.

So I want to write a letter.  I want to tell him how I feel though I think he knows:

Nathan,

First I want to tell you I love you so much.  I know you know this.  I also know you know that we miss you.  But I'm angry.  I'm angry that you did this.  That you were so happy right before you did it too.  I'm angry that according to your last entry you were trying to talk yourself out of it and you didn't.  I feel like it was so selfish though you tried to make sure we were all good before you left.  You didn't think beyond that moment of despair.  Beyond that moment of not wanting to live anymore.  I'm mad at the universe that after 3 years we finally get our miracle and you won't be able to meet him.  He will never know his uncle Nathan.  I'm angry that you couldn't get the help you needed.  I'm devastated and broken.  

I want to be able to tell Ezekiel all about the little games we would play together as kids, how close you and I were even up to the end and have it not be marred by the fact that you took your own life.  That you decided that you weren't worth it.  Because you were!  You meant so much to so many of us.  Even though you weren't perfect none of us are.  

I love you Nathan.  And I feel broken.  I feel hurt, sadness and devastation.  I wish I could push a button and go back in time.  One simple little question: what are you doing tonight might have changed things.  Might have helped get you to start thinking a little differently.  We did have great conversation.  We did tell each other how much we meant to each other.  It almost seems counter productive.  You said I thank God every day for giving you to me as a sister.  It I would have known that mean goodbye I would have been on the phone calling Forrest to come check up on you.   I would have called your room mates and told them not to let you be alone.  

I think the bottom line is I miss you.  And I'm currently not sure how to move on.  Do we move on from this?  Do we let the pain heal or keep it fresh as a reminder?  Nathan you told everyone you wanted us to be happy....how can we be happy without you?  You didn't realize what an intimate part of our lives you were.  You didn't realize how very much you meant to each and everyone of us.  I love you Nathan and I miss you so much!