Yesterday we skyped with Isaac's parents and told them the news.  Or rather we had Ezekiel tell them while wearing this outfit:

I have to admit I was a little nervous to tell them.  Since I'm not having any signs of pregnancy yet I began to think the: am I really pregnant?  Which of course I knew I was/am.  I have one more test left so I decided on a whim to just take it to make myself feel better about telling them:  

I then had to laugh at my own foolishness.  I was excited though to see those two really dark lines since that means that my hcg levels are definitely going up. 

I've already begun debating on if I am going to want to know the sex of this baby or not.  I honestly think I might want to be surprised.  I know we have an incredibly long time to wait before that comes but I really think it might make things even more exciting.  As of right now unless God decides to heal me and give us a child naturally I don't know that I will ever be pregnant again.  This makes me like the idea of not knowing even more.  Isaac said he would be able to keep it a secret from me if he found out.  I don't know if he would be able to wait.  Either way though lots of time to figure that out.

Overall I'm doing well.  Still having occasional pink mixed with my cervical mucous and some cramping but no actual bleeding or spotting.  I know my cervix is super sensitive so I'm guessing it's just from all the extra blood flow going on down there.  That's pretty much all I have to report for now.  I'll post again soon. 

Things are going well.  I had a moment on Wednesday where I slightly panicked as I was having cramps and just kept thinking what happens if I loose this.  It was like I finally have proof that we are pregnant that our prayers are answered.  Already we are past the time frame we where at before with our other two losses.  All the what ifs kept coming to mind. 

But I've realized that I can't allow the fear of tomorrow to rob today of it's joy.  We are pregnant.  Everything looks good.  In just two weeks I will be able to have our first ultrasound.  I'm excited to see the little peanut.  We also came up with a super creative way to announce we are expecting again though I wont be sharing on here I want to post the end results when we decide to announce to everyone.

So overall everything is good there is nothing new to report which I love!  I just wanted to give a little update. 

Second Beta

Things are looking good.  She said the numbers are still low but that everything is just looking like a very early pregnancy.  My first Number was 26.2  and the second one was 148.7.  She told me she was going to have me come in for one more beta on March 1st and then have me see the obgyn later that week.  I told her I decided to go with a midwife for birth instead and asked if the Dr wanted to see me for a set amount of time before I transfer to them.  She put me on hold, I could tell she was a little shocked.  She came back and asked if the midwives actually do prenatal care?  I explained(or tried to) how it really isn't any different but that they work with the obgyn you saw on your other tests if necessary and then move forward from there.  She said since that is what I want to do they will release me now and just have me follow up with them but to let them know if they need anything. 

I thought it was a little sad she didn't know what a certified midwife does.  But I feel at peace with this decision.  It has sucked to have so much out of your control and to rely on other people to be able to go forward to get pregnant.  Being with the midwives makes me feel normal in a way.  I feel like it's just so less invasive. 

So there we have it.  My numbers more than doubled.  A super early pregnancy and I am just going to trust God that He has his hands on me. 

First Beta

I woke up this morning with quite a busy schedule.  I had an appointment to see the endocrinologist at 9:15 am for my thyroid, needed to get my second beta drawn today and wanted to get to the gym all before nap time.  I woke Ezekiel up got him ready and fed and off we went.  At the endocrinologist visit I was told that my levels had remained exactly the same since 3 months ago when we upped my last dose.  I told her I had just found out I was pregnant the day after the blood was drawn so she upped my dosage to 100mg instead 3 months ago I was at 50.  Hopefully this will actually help bring it back down some. 

By 2 pm still no call from the Dr's office on my Beta so I decided to call and find out myself.  They told me they had my first results only: 26.2.  This is lower than we expected she said.  But to me that number actually makes perfect sense.  Let's be honest normal people don't start testing till AFTER they miss their periods.  I start testing 10 days past ovulation (normally way too early for everyone) the test I buy have a sensitivity of 25hcg and if I got the blood draw within 24 hours(which I did) I say that is pretty much right on track.  And to be honest I'm also encouraged with the fact that the tests got progressively darker, my temperature had stayed high, no period and this morning and yesterday I got nauseous after I ate.  All good signs in my opinion.  When I shared this with the nurse she actually sounded relieved.  Like she was afraid to talk to me a little bit.  The hope/belief with these signs are that we just caught it really early then.  I had asked her if she got my results by the end of the day if she would please call me and she said she would try but that she would leave herself a note to call me first thing in the morning if she didn't get to it today.  I'm not going to lie I'm not too optimistic with that.  I know she will be busy and has a ton of stuff to do.  I hope to hear back first thing of course but I'm going to try also to be patient. 

I decided no more home pregnancy tests after that dark one on Sunday that I got.  I also decided no more temping.  Or rather when I was still spotting I took my temp and was about to look at it and just felt God say in my spirit to put it down.  To trust him that he had it in His hands.  I know that was the right thing to do.  I am afraid I would just obsess over the number and that right there is incredibly unhealthy.  I can't do anything to change the outcome over what is happening so I need to really and truly leave it in God's hands.

I keep thinking though already of ways we can announce to people.  Fun things we can do with two kids.  How we can arrange the nursery, ect;  And through all of this I am realizing I wanted this more than I realized.  I said I was 100% okay either way but now that it seems like it is really hear I am beyond excited.  I feel so at peace with everything.  Which that in and of itself says a lot. 

Don't worry readers I'll let you know what the second Beta is too when I can. 

Still Pregnant

I'm now 16 days past ovulation and so far...still pregnant.  I am having intermittent spotting off and on but no actual heavy bleeding or even bright blood at all.  I am feeling very confident and at peace with everything.  I have been getting little waves of nausea yesterday afternoon and today but I have to say part of me thinks maybe that is just in my mind since this would be too early for that wouldn't it?

Yesterday was the last pregnancy test that I am taking and it was actually dark(no denying it is positive).  I was able to see the progression of everything getting darker and this one was darker than all the others.  That was a relief.  On Saturday afternoon I had begun spotting more and cramping and really and truly believed my period was coming.  On the drive home from work I drank about 20 ounces of water and decided to take another test to try and put my mind at ease to see if my period was coming.  I got home and immediately took a test and it was barely positive.  So I was convinced that I was having another chemical pregnancy and my period was coming.  Turns out if you drink that much water with no hold it just won't show positive on the results.  Sunday morning came my temp rose even higher and no period so I took that other test and there it was.  Nice dark no denying it is happening.  I am pregnant.

How do I feel?  Partially like a hungry horse with a carrot dangling directly in front of me that can be snatched away any moment.  At the same time I'm at peace knowing that God is in control and He brought me this far He will continue to have his hand work in my life in one way or another.  What does this mean?  I'm cautiously optimistic.  I will feel much better once I get my beta results.  I will be doing my second beta tomorrow morning on my way to my thyroid Dr appointment.  So overall things will be going well or seem to be. 

After talking with my sister and Isaac I realize that I really do want to see the midwives throughout this pregnancy.  This morning I called to see if since I was on Clomid I needed to wait a certain amount of time before they would see me and I was told not at all and was able to book with them for March 10th for my first appointment.  This will be exciting but one of those the appointment seems so close but so far away moments. 


Lord I lay everything down at your feet.  I'm excited, I'm nervous.  But I choose to trust you.  I choose to lay it all down at your feet.  I thank you Lord for your guidance and direction in all of this.  In Jesus name.  ~Amen. 

I woke up this morning to some brown spotting.  It never went past that or turned into fresh spotting.  It was only thick cervical mucous with a little bit of brown and two single blood clots.  Other than that nothing.  Part of me knew to expect it since I have bled every single  pregnancy including Ezekiel's.  The other part of me took comfort in the fact that it wasn't fresh blood it was brown and dark...so that has to be good right?  All the thoughts and memories of the past began to flood in a little of researching and analyzing.  I got up and decided not today.  I have no control over what is going to happen so I give this pregnancy to God.  I had decided not to take another pregnancy test for that reason because I would analyze is it darker?  Is it lighter?  Is it chemical?  So I decided to just go about my day.  I get Ezekiel up we go downstairs for breakfast and the phone rings.  It is the Dr's office they want me to go in for a Beta blood test.  I explained to her about the spotting and asked if I should just go ahead and wait then to see if my period ends up coming as it's due today/tomorrow.  She asked if I took another test this morning?  I told her no and she said to take another one and if it's positive they will do a Beta.  So I guess that made up my mind for me.  I finished breakfast and got Ezekiel cleaned up and up to the bathroom I went.  I was nervous since every time I have ever taken a test in the early morning it most always is negative(first morning urine was never good  for me whether for opks, hpts ect;) so imagine my surprise and delight when the test showed positive and even darker.  So I got my Beta drawn and will go back on Tuesday to get another one.  The office didn't receive the results before they closed so the earliest I will hear back from them is going to be Tuesday.  However, I signed up to have the results emailed to me when available but they said it can take up to a week to get me my results on their site.  So back to a waiting game.

I feel very much at peace which is nice.  Though hesitant till I see those numbers to let myself feel excited.  I'm not over analyzing anything or focusing on stuff.   I really feel like God has just reached down and said:  I got this.  But now I am wondering what I should do about delivery.  I absolutely loved the midwives that I saw at my previous hospital.  However I also wonder if I need to stick with this OBGYN who prescribed me the medication at least at the beginning.   However today I started having second thoughts when I was pulling into the place to get my beta drawn the Drs office calls again and tells me they are adding a blood type test as well since they have no history of what I am.  This gives me a few things I am not a fan about 1-I would have to start from scratch with all my medical history/delivery history 2-The hospital is further away and not at all convenient to get to 3-I loved the immediate skin to skin, the zero pressure for epidural and to support me to go as I wanted to.  4- I really feel like the next child we have unless God gives us a miracle will be the last time I am on medication so I want the delivery to be as stress free as possible.  And knowing that I was at the hospital with the midwives before and loved everything about them I feel like they are who I want to stick with.  Isaac said to trust my gut and my gut isn't doing much but feeling really bloated right now.  Especially as I haven't really let it sink in yet.  I think I will most likely call the midwives after the Beta results and see if they will see me for this pregnancy.  I can't imagine they wouldn't as they saw me from the Reproductive Endocrinologist.  So time will tell.

This right here is what infertility looks like. You hold onto all hope that maybe just maybe this month will be your month. You start testing way too early analyzing every pee stick to see if there is a second line even when you know there isn't. Maybe if you hold it up in just the right light you will see it. We are at a really good place in our lives with peace that if it doesn't happen then that's okay. 100% okay but It still doesn't take away the desire, the over analyzing of every"symptom" when in reality it's gas from dinner or your period coming not implantation cramps. This is what makes me feel that every child is a gift. This is what makes me remember the due dates of the ones we lost even if we lost them so early. This is what made us unashamed to share so early in the past. This my friends is infertility. I don't share to get sympathy I share because unless you've been through it you have no idea what it truly entails. So before you start joking around with those friends who have been married forever on when are they going to have kids.... Just remember there could be much more going on below the surface.

That was how my day started out today.  I woke up determined that I wasn't going to take a pregnancy test but I was out so I wanted to stock up for the future.  I mean after all my temp dropped a little today I've been having cramps for the last few days but something just kept nagging in the back of my mind that if I just took one today I would know for sure if it was happening this month or not.  After all I am 12 days past ovulation and that is more than enough time to get a positive if it's going to happen.  So I did it.  I took the plunge and opened one of my prized pregnancy tests I picked up today all the while cursing myself as I did it.  That is till I saw those two pink lines: 

Faint but definitely there.  I had to do a double take.  Then as I watched it dry it began to get darker and darker till there is no denying it is positive (the pictures don't do it justice).  But now I wait.  I've been in this place too many times before to really allow myself to get excited.  I see those lines and want to believe that this time will be different but when it comes down to it it is not up to me.  It is up to God and what He would have happen.  With that I have so much peace.  I truly believe 100% that no matter what this was meant to be right now in this very moment.  I know that God is in control and only He can bring it all into fruition as it should be.  I called my OBGYN to see about getting a beta draw at least that way I will know if it is viable...but even with that I want to wait.  I am supposed to get my period tomorrow or Saturday at the latest so why don't I just hold off and see what happens of the next two days?  See if things get darker on their own. 

So that my friends is my exciting day and my exciting news.  I really feel 100% at peace.  I'm not freaking out at the cramps I'm having even at this very moment.  I'm not running to the bathroom every 5 minutes to make sure I'm not bleeding.  All things before I would have over analyzed to the max. 

God I truly give this pregnancy to you.  I lay it all down at your feet.  If this is you I choose to believe that you will bring it to pass as You remain in control.  I choose Lord to allow your precious will to be done even if it isn't mine.  I ask for wisdom on what do do with the blood tests, Dr.s ect  I thank you for that Lord in Jesus name~Amen. 

Self Reflection

Today was very interesting.  Or rather eye opening.  I am involved with a women's Bible Study that meets from my Church.  Every week we take turns facilitating and bringing a snack and just overall fellowship and get to know each other.  This week was my turn.  The lesson was on Psalm 51:

Have mercy upon me, O God,
According to Your lovingkindness;
According to the multitude of Your tender mercies,
Blot out my transgressions.
² Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
And cleanse me from my sin.

³ For I acknowledge my transgressions,
And my sin is always before me.
⁴ Against You, You only, have I sinned,
And done this evil in Your sight—
That You may be found just when You speak,^[a]
And blameless when You judge.

⁵ Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
And in sin my mother conceived me.
⁶ Behold, You desire truth in the inward parts,
And in the hidden part You will make me to know wisdom.

⁷ Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
⁸ Make me hear joy and gladness,
That the bones You have broken may rejoice.
⁹ Hide Your face from my sins,
And blot out all my iniquities.

¹⁰ Create in me a clean heart, O God,
And renew a steadfast spirit within me.
¹¹ Do not cast me away from Your presence,
And do not take Your Holy Spirit from me.

¹² Restore to me the joy of Your salvation,
And uphold me by Your generous Spirit.
¹³ Then I will teach transgressors Your ways,
And sinners shall be converted to You.

¹⁴ Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God,
The God of my salvation,
And my tongue shall sing aloud of Your righteousness.
¹⁵ O Lord, open my lips,
And my mouth shall show forth Your praise.
¹⁶ For You do not desire sacrifice, or else I would give it;
You do not delight in burnt offering.
¹⁷ The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit,
A broken and a contrite heart—
These, O God, You will not despise.

¹⁸ Do good in Your good pleasure to Zion;
Build the walls of Jerusalem.
¹⁹ Then You shall be pleased with the sacrifices of righteousness,
With burnt offering and whole burnt offering;
Then they shall offer bulls on Your altar.

 As you can see this chapter is about discussing our sinful nature.  The homework for this assignment was: "Try writing a history of your sin.  Start at the beginning with movements acts and consequences of this sin....If others had a bad influence on your admit your hurt and forgive them.  You may be unconscious of aspects of your sin so feel free to ask the Lord to show them to you.  Be thorough but not morbidly introspective"

I have to admit I was not a fan of this lesson at all.  When I read that I snubbed my nose at it and thought to myself I am NOT doing that.  But as I got into the questions I was really hit with more and more conviction.  Every day we are supposed to confess our shortcomings and ask forgiveness.  We are to recognize that we are sinners.  That we fail on a daily basis.  I tend to not focus on those things. I tend to pray for other people or things or circumstances but haven't gotten deep into soul searching for quite some time.  I pray that God makes me more like him but how can He if I don't first acknowledge what needs changed in my own life.

So I decided here to be very open.  To do just this.  To reflect in my life and pull out those things that I know need to change in me.     There is a LOT.  So I'm going to just pick one or two.

What is it that I have been feeling convicted about lately but have maybe ignored or made excuses for?  Well there are a few things that immediately come to mind both of which are not good so like the lesson said I'll write it almost in story form of the history of them and what needs to change.

So much turmoil surrounds me as I wake up each morning.  I turn on the news and see riots, protests, murders so much sin everywhere.  I get on facebook and see people I know from a distance, those am close to and those I grew up with who love God speaking out in a way that I completely disagree with and just a little bit I begin to judge and in doing so my heart begins to harden.  I begin to think I am more righteous then them simply because how could they be a Christian and feel the way they do about something.  I then reach out to a few of them to find out why they feel the way they do.  Maybe it will open my eyes a little bit and help me to understand where they are coming from but really it gives me an opportunity to share my side.  By reaching out it makes me an even better person because I'm able to connect and understand where they are coming from versus just saying I disagree.  And my heart hardens just a little bit more.  I begin talking and being very open everywhere I go on my heart on the subjects at hand.  Saying it is me speaking out for the voiceless and righteousness yet each time my pride gets a little bit bigger, my judgments a little harsher and once again my heart begins to harden just a little bit more.  Life becomes a revolving door of trying my best to act a certain way so that people(who are not Christians) will think: Wow she's such a good Christian.  Now the things I do are good things.  They should be done but with a different heart.  With a different mindset.  And though my heart may not harden with this I begin to feel pride creep in and once again I can say I'm a better Person/Christian then _____.  This is something God has been convicting me of for almost a month and I knew it I could see it but wasn't quite sure how to acknowledge it.  I didn't want to.   But now I do.  I acknowledge that I am no better than anyone else.  In fact by comparing, by hardening of hearts I have proved myself equal or even less than those I would compare to.  


My prayer:  Lord I repent for this.  I ask for your forgiveness of judgment, pride, comparison, anger and resentment.  I know that without you I really am nothing.  Therefor it is only by your Grace that I am anything at all.  I thank you for your mercy.  I thank you for your Grace.  I thank you Lord that you forgive me and so in turn ask me to forgive others.  I know there is so much more I could confess and I will but if I where to try to take the time to write them all down I would be here forever.  So Lord I ask that you would create in my a pure heart.  Show me the iniquities within that I don't see myself or that I do not want to see.  I ask that you would help me not so serve you for me.  But to serve you for others and for you.  I thank you for that Lord.  ~Amen. 

It's so easy to get caught up in the day to day frustrations.  I want to do more than that.  I want to stop allowing things that in a few years, months or even days won't bother me anymore.  I need to always remember that life is way more than current frustrations.  I know this kind of seems like it is coming from no where and it is a little bit.  But I've been reflecting on the things that have been bothering me lately and I realize that it really doesn't matter.  Nothing matters more than my family.  Being the best Mom and wife I can be and accomplishing what I feel God has called me to be doing at this time.  Every single day any decision I make will be taking me a step away from that goal or a step closer to that.  To be a better me.  That is what I want to accomplish.  I don't have much more to say apart from that was on my mind and I felt I needed to share. 

Once again in the two week wait but feeling really good with where we are in life right now.  I really am 100% okay with whichever way this cycle turns out.  This is just completely night and day from what we went through before.  I love it and feel so much better with it.  I did call my Dr to find out if he wants me to continue month 3 (if we aren't pregnant) on the lowest dose of clomid or if he would like to up it since I am still ovulating really late in my cycle.  This month I ovulated around cycle day 18-better than last month that was cycle day 20 but not as good as it should be when I was already ovulating on my own.  He decided to up the dose and wants me to continue on that for 3 months.  I feel okay with that.  A little nervous as it increases the possibilities of twins.  But if that happened then we would manage.  It might be hard and chaotic for the first year but we would make it through.

I like how I'm already talking about the what ifs and so forth when first things first I have to actually get pregnant.  But it is little things like that that make me know that I really want this but I'm okay if it isn't happening immediately.  I feel like overall that really is the best place I could be in.

I know my last post got a little emotional and into the political side of things.  With everything going on in the USA right now: Protests, Government changes, Violence ect; It made me actually reach out to people around me with different opinions and views to see why they feel the way they do instead of just assuming they are wrong.  It isn't to say that it made me agree with them but it allowed me to respect their side and where they are coming from.  It also opened my eyes to the community around me.  There are so many people here with me who are in need.  Veterans, Women's shelters, Refugee families ect;  It made me determined to try and meet those needs for them any way that I can.  I feel a sense of accomplishment with this.  It makes me feel like I am back on the missions field and really making a difference in the lives of others.  I have begun reaching out to different organizations and ministries and finding out exactly what they are in need of and trying to find ways to meet those needs.  Since I don't have extra money to give right now at least I can give my time.  :-)

And since it has been so long since you have seen our faces.  Here we are: