Family Traditions

So Thanksgiving has come and gone and it was an amazing day.  I feel like having Ezekiel there to share it with us just made it all the more special.  I am just so incredibly grateful for him and so very much in love. 

God thank you for blessing us so very much with our beautiful baby boy.  Thank you for blessing our relationship and allowing us to get closer together throughout the challenge from conception to birth.

Lately I feel like we have gotten into a really good routine.  Ezekiel wakes up between 6:46/7 am and goes to be at night around 7 pm.  Nap times are no longer a screaming match and he actually lets me know he wants to take a nap.  I feel like he's a new baby most nights sleeping through the night but every few days he wakes up once or twice but normally falls right back to sleep.

I feel like Isaac and I are getting closer together as well.  It's nice to have time to spend together almost every night after the little guy goes to bed.   I don't feel like I have a ton of in depth things to talk about but over Thanksgiving  We did manage to take a few family photos

Today we also started our yearly Christmas tradition.  Every year we want to go and pick out an ornament together and so of course being that it was our first year I wanted to try to find something for myself representing being a mom and receiving my promise and it has been quite a challenge finding the perfect ornament but after 3 stores we finally found it.  I actually got very teary eyed when I saw it.

I feel like it is the perfect ornament to show exactly how I feel about everything.  I will also share Isaac and Ezekiel's:

And here is Ezekiel's 5 month photo:

 I just can't believe how big he's been getting.  He isn't crawling yet but he sure is trying.  The other day I laid him down on a blanket for tummy time in the living room walked into the other room just to put his food in the microwave was gone for less than a minute I come back into the living room and he rolled himself all the way to the other side of the blanket.  I am just so not ready for him to be mobile!

Afraid Of Dissapointment

As my little guy is getting closer and closer to 5 months the thought of having another one is coming more and more frequently.  I wanted to wait till he was a little older but now I am ready to start entertaining the idea.  Or more I"ve been planning and have my timeline all together but if this journey taught me anything it's that my own desired timeline basically can go to hell.

I would love to have another one in September or October of next year or sometime around the fall(my favorite time of the year).  I would love to have new life come around the time Nathan left us as it would just be a glorious reminder that as one life ends another somewhere begins.  But in all reality I don't know if this is even an option.  My periods have returned yes but ovulation has not.  In fact my last period came just two weeks after the one before ended and was extremely heavy and 7 days long.  Which would not give any opportunity for implantation even if I were ovulating. My body just seems all over the place.  But we are going to try none the less.  I'm afraid of being disappointed though and not being able to get pregnant on my own.  I just pray that God works a miracle in my body. 

We did the math and if we get pregnant in December then the baby would be due in September we are not going to go all crazy with trying with fertility treatments, having sex every other day but at least we can try naturally and just go back to enjoying marriage and sex without the thought of I must get pregnant!  Though of course we want it again so that thought will probably be there either way. 

I have to say though my mindset has changed or rather is changing on going back to see an Fertility Specialist.  I hated the emotional turmoil and the frustration that was there but the reward was far greater than the frustration was and therefor was so worth it.  I can't say for sure that we will go back but as of now if we can't get pregnant on our own I think I will be more than willing to try but if it doesnt' happen I wont be devastated since I want to adopt anyway.  But I will at least be able to say I tried.  I loved being pregnant and would love to experience all of that again.  I honestly don't think Isaac would be happy with me not trying.  He wouldn't force the issue but I think he would be hurt I wouldn't be willing to do it again.  But we will broach that subject later since you can not do fertility drugs while nursing and I plan on nursing him for another 7 months.  So that is that. 

But with

Something other than Anger

I'm so aggravated I wrote an entire post only to press the wrong thing and it deleted everything!  So I will attempt to make it up but I don't think it will be quite as good as what I wrote before:

The one year anniversary of Nathan's death has come and gone.  I look back and can not believe that it has been a year already yet at the same time so much has happened.   I was working most of the day but when I got home it just hit me.  Yet at the same time I felt like I just couldn't feel anything.  As hard as that is to describe.  I wanted to badly to have a way to let out the emotions.  Next thing I know I'm pulling out a can of beer and it tastes way better than it should have.  I then decide to pull out a few bags of frozen breast milk and make a couple bottles in case Ezekiel, who was already in bed at this point wakes up, and I tell Isaac he was on baby duty if Ezekiel wakes up.  I then act on the feeling that my beer wasn't enough.  I wanted to get drunk.  I wanted to numb the pain I felt that just seemed so crippling or even to relax myself enough that I could actually let the emotions out.  It's so hard to explain but I felt for the past few months that I have wrapped myself up like a snug little package so tightly in anger, unforgiveness and resentment that I couldn't feel anything anymore.  It was as if a wall had been built up in self defense to keep myself from dealing with the real emotions.  And since Isaac was already prepared to take care of Ezekiel I began to do shots of Jaegermeister back to back as I cooked dinner.  Rather quickly that warm tingly feeling began to come over me and I felt myself begin to relax and the walls begin to come down.  I felt my inner self allowing weakness to show and I finally felt some relief.  I know, I know, I can see you readers shaking your heads right now in disappointment and displeasure.  But for those of you who have been with me from the beginning will remember that I pride myself in being real.  I want you readers to get a glimpse of the real me and the life I live.  The good the bad and the ugly.  And to be quite honest I feel lately I've been lacking in that area besides a post here or there I don't feel like I've talked about my heart or hardships like I used to.  But back to my point.  I drank and finally was able to let go.  As sad as that is I think the only reason I've held onto so much anger is because it is the only emotion I have felt like I could feel.  I know I've grieved, I've felt sad, sentimental ect; but mostly all I've felt for months has been anger.  Anger that he is gone.  Anger that life moves on yet he isn't a part of it.  But that night it seemed I finally was able to relax enough where those mental blocks came tumbling down.  And today I feel like I can finally say that I forgive Nathan for what he did.

Forgiveness is choosing to live with the consequences of someone Else's choices. I choose to forgive him.  I might not understand it or agree with it.  But the bottom line is it is done nothing I say or do will bring him back but I want him to be at peace and I want my spirit to move on as well.  So That is what i will do.  I will do.  I will choose forgiveness.

My brother shared this blog with me to try and help me understand what Nathan and himself go through/went through on a daily basis.  It is a really good read:
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013_05_01_archive.html

Tonight Isaac and myself will be going out on a much needed date night.  Our good friend and neighbor will be coming over to watch Ezekiel so that we can go do dinner and just have some alone time.  And I am really looking forward to it.   Thankfully becoming parents hasn't put too much stress on our marriage but it has definitely made it harder to make each other a priority which is what needs to happen.