Tomorrow We Get Answers!

I don't even know what to type...my mind is going so many different directions:
So finally tomorrow we will get our answers.  Just thinking about it puts my heart in my throat a little bit.  I want to know so badly, but wonder what will be said.  I'm trying to stay positive and not allow my thoughts to roam or go in all sorts of directions.  I want to just allow His peace to come on me and stay there.

I booked the appointment for 9:45 in the morning so that I won't have to wait around for it all day.  So as soon as I wake up I can start getting ready then head out the door. 

I feel like I've been waiting for this day forever.....Well I have been for about a year and six months.  But now I will finally have answers.

God give me peace until then!

One Week till Answers!

I feel so incredibly excited.  I just did some math, looked at a calendar and hope has been restored.  On April 1st we will be sitting down with the specialist to discuss treatment options.  My next cycle is suppose to start on April 23 which gives us enough time to do whatever needs to be done such as ultra sounds, blood tests etc before we have to leave for vacation on May 13!  I thought I wouldn't have enough time to do anything and so would have to wait till we got back, so closer to June-ish!  I am so excited!!

I am also a little antsy to hear what they have to say, but not in a scared kind of way but in a I hope this next week flies by so incredibly fast!

God give me peace to wait it out and give me understanding.  Help me to ask the correct questions when they come up and give our specialist the wisdom she needs to put us on the correct treatment path.  In your holy name~Amen

I choose you

Isaiah 45:2-7

2‘I will go before you
And make the crooked places straight;
I will break in pieces the gates of bronze
And cut the bars of iron.
³ I will give you the treasures of darkness
And hidden riches of secret places,
That you may know that I, the Lord,
Who call you by your name,
Am the God of Israel.
⁴ For Jacob My servant’s sake,
And Israel My elect,
I have even called you by your name;
I have named you, though you have not known Me.
⁵ I am the Lord, and there is no other;
There is no God besides Me.
I will gird you, though you have not known Me,
⁶ That they may know from the rising of the sun to its setting
That there is none besides Me.
I am the Lord, and there is no other;
⁷ I form the light and create darkness,
I make peace and create calamity;
I, the Lord, do all these things.’

Jeremiah 1:5

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you; 

Before you were born I sanctified you;

I ordained you a prophet to the nations.”

Psalm 37:4

Delight yourself also in the Lord,

 And He shall give you the  

desires of your heart.  

What is my desires?  What is it I long for more than anything?  Sometimes I have to remind myself that He knows me better than I even know myself.  I have to remember that He sees it all.  He will make this difficult path come together.  He knows all:  The beginning and the end.  I want to be a mother but even more than that I want to do it in His timing.  

Lord I lay down my own desires.  I lay down my own frustrations.  I  just ask for your help and your wisdom.  I ask for your guidance in everything.  Lord guide and direct me.  Show me the way you would have me to go.  Lead me into your path.  Open the doors you desire.  Today I must make a choice, on a daily basis I must decide who I'm going to serve.  And I choose you Lord, I choose you. 

Acceptance

After my Glassy Water's post I waited a few days then called my Dad.  We had a very good heart to heart where he listened to my struggles and my emotions.  I told him how I felt that I just couldn't accept that this is a problem for me.  That I remember the promises that God gave me and am so incredibly frustrated.  It's not that I believe God had given up on me but that I had given up on God.  It was through this conversation that He gave me some incredible insight and some incredible words of wisdom.

Just because I accept something doesn't mean that I am not believing for something.  Right now God has obviously called me to a season of infertility.  This doesn't mean that it comes from God, but it does mean that today, this day that I am living God has decided not to give me the promises yet.  Tomorrow however could be a different story.  Tomorrow I could wake up and see that God has decided that it is the day for me to conceive, or the day for these issues to disappear.  I believe that I serve a God of miracles and I have no problems believing that.  I know if He wanted to He could snap his fingers and I'd be healed....but for today He has said no.  For today He has said now is not the time. 

It doesn't make these promises or these issues less important...but I'm praying over time it will help make them more bearable.  I have to accept that God has a bigger plan.  I know that His promises are true and when they happen the timing is better than anything I could imagine. 

I choose to accept that God's plan is bigger, I will still work toward the goal and promises I have been given but I do not want to let them defeat me.

I know every day will be a challenge.  Every day I have to wake up and decide to not let it bother me, not let it take up my focus.

I chose to Trust in the Lord, not leaning on my own understanding. 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;

In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct^[a] your paths.

Proverbs 3:5-6

It says in all my ways to acknowledge Him.  This means when I'm walking in doubt and unbelief.  When I'm walking in torment.  When my heart is splintering I must acknowledge Him.  I must believe that there is indeed a higher purpose for this season I'm in.  Not all seasons will be full of joy.  I must remember that He leads me through the darkness into light.  

 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

² He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
^3 
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
⁵ Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
⁶ Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.
Psalm 23 

For now I may feel broken and worn down but: 
³ He restoreth my soul:

I may not know what the future holds or how long this journey will take but: 

 
he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

No matter how dark things look, how depressed I get or how worn down I am:

 
 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

⁵ Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. 

His promise for me:

 
⁶ Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

 

He never lies.....

I find myself looking back on the promises that were given to me so long ago.  God promised us a son.  When I was living as a missionary in Romania God had spoken into my heart with that still quiet small voice that I would move to York, PA.  I would marry Isaac and we would have a son.  He told me his name, he allowed me to know it full heartily with no doubt that it was indeed true.   He never lies.

I look back and wonder...was it real...then I see the proof.  I did indeed move to York Pa and I did indeed marry Isaac.   At that time he wasn't even pursuing me yet.  Or at least I didn't think he was, but according to one of his best friends he wouldn't stop talking about this girl he knew who was a missionary in Romania.  He talked about me so much this friend of his talked him into pursuing me the very month I got back to the USA. 

If God proved that I heard His word then I know that the second part of that promise is to come.  For no matter how many promises God has made, they are "Yes" in Christ. And so through him the "Amen" is spoken by us to the glory of God. 2 Corinthians 1:20 NIV  I feel so incredibly ready.  For so many years, even before I was married I would think about children and have the promises of Abraham and Sarah come to mind where God promised them a child and it was many many many years before it came to fruition.  I felt in my heart of hearts that my journey would be like that. 

Before we even started this journey it would come into my mind and I would rebuke it.  Saying no I need to think positive, I need to believe indeed that I will get pregnant this month or next month, not allowing myself to see the truth.  The truth that My God told me long ago that this would be how my journey came to place.  A hard journey that would take time.

Now that I'm in this journey I think of how precious when the time finally will happen that it will be.  I look back on those thoughts when I knew that something was whispering into my heart that this would take a long time and I had a feeling I would only physically have one child.  Or only physically be pregnant one time. 

Now going through this I can say I believe that may be the case.  With everything that is going on I do not think I will ever want to go through this again.  With all the money, all the pain, everything that is happening I don't think I'll ever want to go through this again.  I would rather take this pain these hardships and put them toward and adoption process where I can be making such a huge difference into the lives of others.

I've actually begun looking up information on adoption.  It's definitely an expensive process.  But one that I know will be so incredibly worth it in the end.  Depending on what the Doctor says when we sit down with her we will have to decide which way to go, which steps to take.

Before we do begin an adoption process I will want to have as much debt paid off as possible.  I know we are already beginning that trip, it's just slightly on hold due to the fertility bills that are coming in.

But I can't help but think of what the Bible says:
Pure and undefiled religion before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their trouble, and to keep oneself unspotted from the world. James 1:27

I have always had a heart for children.  I want to make a difference in the lives of the unfortunate in the lives of those who are hurting.

If I do get pregnant and have our own child I still want adoption to be a top priority.  I want to hold all those broken children to hug them kiss them hold them allow them to feel safe. 

Jesus I know you see my heart.  I know you are preparing me for something, I may not know what it is yet but I choose to trust you.  To trust in Your word Lord.  Guide me Father closer to you.  Guide me into the direction you would have me to go.  Help me to hunger and thirst for those things that You hunger for.  Help me in everything I do just to completely trust in you.  I commit my life to you.  I commit every decision I make every day to bring me closer to you.  Guide me in that direction I pray Lord.  I thank you Jesus.   ~Amen

Glassy Waters

I wasn't really sure how to title this blog entry.  This journey is like being on a ship that moves with the wind. Lately the only way for me to describe how I feel is this:

It's as if the wind has stopped blowing me into the direction with a clear purpose.  Its as if my ship has been an a standstill for weeks.  Not able to move.  The waters I rest upon completely still, like glass.  It's so hard to have faith that the wind will pick back up when all you feel is the sun beating down on you, no ripples in the water, no land in sight. 

It's as if cabin fever has begun to set in, like there is no purpose.  The more you wait the harder it gets to believe there ever was a wind driving you to your destination.  It's as if everything around me is a mirage.  A big vast emptiness of an ocean.  Wake up!  People say.  You have so much to laugh and be grateful for they can say, but they aren't the ones trapped on this boat waiting. 

I know the wind's will come, I just hate this wait.  I hate these still glassy waters that keep me from moving toward my dreams of motherhood. 

I feel so lost.  I have a hard time entering into prayer.  Not because I don't love God and I know He is always there, but I feel like I've forgotten how.  I try and try but it's like blowing into the sails of a ship trying to cross the ocean, it won't get you anywhere. 

Romans 12:2 spoke to me today:
And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God. KJV

I feel as if I have forgotten how to be me.  Everyone expects me to be upbeat and to carry them into tomorrow on wings of positivity but I feel empty.  I can't fill up unless I rest in Him.  He is the only way that I can beat this and I know it.  I know His plan's are bigger than my own.  He has a reason for me resting on these glassy waters.  He has a purpose for it all.  

I've lost my hunger for Him and I want it back.  I look back just a few entries ago to how hungry I was to make a difference in the lives of those around me as I rest in Him.  As I wait for the winds to pick back up.  But I think the difference must start in me.  Lord your word says seek and you shall find, knock and the door shall be open for you.  I need this door opened for me.  I need your will to open or me.  I need your cleansing fire to touch my lips.  As silver and gold go into a fire and are made clean so I need your renovation.  I feel so lonely, but am surrounded by friends and family.  But only You can touch this loneliness.  Only you can make me new in this way.  God i feel so worn out, I feel so beat down.  All I want is an answer so I can move forward.  But I don't want this consuming my life anymore.  I'm so tired of all of this.

God forgive me for stepping away from my race to your heart.  Ive allowed my own cares to choke out the needs of everyone around me.  I know this isn't a magical turn around where I can say a prayer do a dance and everything else will happen.  You said  in Matthew6:33
But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. NIV
I need to make this my daily habit I need to daily seek your kingdom, and this isn't about me.  It's about all those around me in need of you.  It's about all those around me who follow you.  Jesus I ask for your wisdom and guidance.  I ask for your understanding.  I ask for your hunger.  Lord teach me how to live for you 100%  Let me not look at my life through lenses of doubt and unbelief.  I am so tired of allowing my cares to block out what you have called me to do.  

I would look at my circumstances and know that God was calling me out of this funk but I just didn't know what to do or how to get there.  Now I do, I ask for help.

My Lord and Savior, I am a sinner.  I will never be perfect but you already know that.  I look at my life and the compromises I have been making that has allowed myself to slip away from you and from who you have called me to be.  Lord all I want is to be where you want me to be, even if my flesh is crying out for something different.  All I want is to make a huge difference in the lives of all those around me.  Lord forgive my complacency, forgive my laziness.  I most definitely have not sought your kingdom first.  I have most definitely not put other's needs above my own.  I have allowed my frustration to guide me into a place of complacency, depression and anger.  Lord lead me back to you.  

Psalm 23 NKJV
The Lord is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
² He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
³ He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.

⁴ Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

⁵ You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
⁶ Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell^[a] in the house of the Lord
Forever.

² He makes me to lie down in green pastures; He leads me beside the still waters.  His intentions are always best for me.  No matter how much I hate the direction things may seem to be going, He is love and He is leading me into a place that He knows I need to go.  I may look at it as glassy water's that are keeping me trapped but He is using it as a way to give me rest from the turmoil within.  

³ He restores my soul;He leads me in the paths of righteousness For His name’s sake.  He has a plan and a purpose for my life and the only time I will be at peace is when I am resting in that plan.  Lately I've been fighting with everything I can to make my own journey.  To draw up my own plans but I'm done.  I am choosing to rest, I am choosing to love, to laugh, to give.  

Lord nothing I have did not come from you or your blessing.  You chose to poor out your spirit into me.  You chose to allow me to experience your goodness.  Lord forgive me for my complacency, my backsliding into the darkness.  

Every day I have a decision to run closer to you or further away.  Lord I want to go.  I want to make a difference in the lives of those around me.  I want to stop trying to live my life the way the world does.  

I choose to live by faith not by sight.  I serve a God of miracles.  I serve a God who is bigger than ANY problems or mistakes I could make.  You God are love and love ALWAYS thinks best of me.  

Show me every day how to draw close to you.  Show me every day what I should do to draw near to you.  James 4:8-
Draw near to God and he will draw near to you. Purify your hands, you sinners; sanctify your hearts, doubting souls.

Purify my heart Oh Lord.  Purify my soul, let me be made clean.  God I come before you and I thank you for your sanctification, I thank you for your forgiveness.  I thank you for the freedom found in you.

Tomorrow is a new day and I choose to live it for you.  I choose to make sure that every decision I make is gonna be one that causes me to be closer to you.  I thank you for it Lord.  

I know the winds are coming back to allow this ship to move toward the destination you would have for me, but until that day comes I pray you would help me to see the beauty in these glassy waters.  ~Amen

A normal period

So for the first time in a long time looks like I may be having a normal, or at least shorter length period.  I normally get cramps on my last day and today was crazy insane cramps and heavy bleeding then later this evening dropped down to spotting.  So I'm really hoping that it means that it's a shorter period.

But like I said before on this month's Cycle day 1 there was no denying at all that it was actually the start of my period.  But that being said I also have been incredibly emotional. 

I know I need to take this time to find my inner strength.  To really seek after God whole heatedly with everything I have.  It's getting a little hard to see that silver lining every once in a while. 
I keep thinking what if...what if the normal procedures won't work for me.  What if I really can not have children naturally.  I know the promises God has given to me and I know that I need to focus on those things.  It's getting a little hard.  I do feel the weight of the wait on my heart and soul.  I hate this.  All I want is to be a Mom and it is so incredibly hard. 

On another note: I am determined to get in shape too.  I bought a treadmill at the beginning of the week and am determined to force myself to exercise every day except Sundays**a day of rest as it were**