Today Has been emotional

Today is Nathan's 22nd birthday.  22 and He never made it.  My sister made a beautiful video in honor of him with pictures from the celebration they had yesterday. 

It looked beautiful and I wish so badly I could have been there.  Every time I start to cry I feel Ezekiel begin to move almost like he's trying to comfort me. 


I wish I had more words to say, more joy to spread but I don't not right now.  I know my family told me they would love to talk to me today if I'm off but I just don't want to.  Thankfully without realizing it I booked myself up pretty good today: Midwife appointment this morning, then met a friend for lunch then a few friends are coming over tonight.  It will be nice to have the distraction but its still just so hard.  But day by day.  That's all I really can do.

In other super exciting news my coworker had her baby this afternoon.  She sent me a text with his beautiful picture that said 7 pounds 9 ounces.  Born 12:42 pm  get the epidural.  That part made me laugh.  She knows I'm using hypnobabies to try and go naturally.  Which is going wonderfully I might add.  I love the practice and the studying its just so nice.

I don't have a lot new to report.  I hit 32 weeks today.  So far I've gained a little over 12 pounds.  My midwife said today that my weight gain is excellent.  And that Ezekiel is still measuring right on track and that he seems very happy.  Which makes me happy.  His heartbeat was between 150/160 today.  Tomorrow I go in to get my hemoglobin blood work done then after that I plan to just take the rest of the day to relax and recoup for the rest of the week.  Then starting on Sunday I begin vacation.  Oh how I can not wait to have that week off!  To just be able to relax and spend time with family and friends who will be coming into town for our shower.  It's going to be a small one a little less than 20 including myself with friends and family but it's perfect.  The people I love most dearly in life.

So for now I will take things day by day and try to get through today with a smile.  Taking deep breathes as I go.   

Angel Baby

Part of me wanted to write this post yesterday but the other part of me just wanted to wait.  To allow myself the time and space I needed/wanted.  Yesterday was the due date for the pregnancy we lost back in August.  I have to say I really thought I would have a mental breakdown of some sort.  But I didn't.  I had a lot of peace and tranquility.  As if God put his hand on me and said look at all you have coming, at all I have promised.  That baby, for some reason wasn't meant to be.  And despite it all I believe it still met it's purpose in life.  We had been trying for 2 years exactly never getting a positive pregnancy test.  Our angel renewed our hope that all was not lost.

If I didn't have Ezekiel on the way I know things would be looked at much differently.  Not only is yesterday the angel's due date but tomorrow is Nathan's birthday.  He would have been 22.  Sometimes it still so hard to imagine him gone.  I have so much more peace with his death since he has visited me several times to let me know that he's okay(For those of you just starting to read this blog you can find those stories in older posts).  But the sadness still remains.  I still find myself reaching for my phone to send him a text.  Or have something happen and say Oh my gosh I can't wait to tell Nathan about that. 

So today is the calm between the two storms.  My heart is aching yet tranquil and calm.



Lord thank you for your hand that has rested upon me.  Thank you for your favor and peace always.  I ask that you would help me to delight my way in you.  Let me not slip to the right or to the left.  We praise your name Father.  ~Amen


On the pregnancy front I have now thrown up after dinner 3 times in the last week since sharing of my projectile out of no where vomiting experience.  I must have a little ninja in there who does NOT like to have his space crowed.  If I eat anything bigger than a snack he goes a little crazy churning up the acid in my stomach making me cough/ then gag then up there goes all of my dinner.  Thankfully last night I made it to the bathroom on time.  I felt him moving up a storm started coughing and could just tell it was coming.  I am noticing my drainage tends to get worse after I eat.  I know they said you'd have an increase of mucus but OMG it's insane and just made worse sometimes by trying to talk...which I have to do on a regular basis at work. 

Trust

Trust can sometimes be so much easier said than done.  It sounds like such a simple thing.  Just trust me.  But it goes so much deeper than that.  It goes into the very core of who we are.  Trust means letting go.  It means relinquishing control and letting someone else take the reigns.  Something I've never been very good at.

Trust is so very important.  It can shape the foundations of our lives.  If you don't trust those around you, don't trust yourself then what's the point?

So where am I going with this?  Well I keep hearing that still small voice:  Just trust me.  Trust me to provide.  Trust me to bless.  Trust me to open up doors for you that only I can open.  Just trust me.

Where is this all coming from?  Well as I've shared before I'm a control freak.  I've taken care of myself for a very long time without ever asking for help.  I hate having to ask for help.  Now we have a baby coming someone who will rely on us for everything.  I look at the huge picture....which I knew was coming mind you it's not like this is coming from no where.  But for the first time I'm actually scared to relinquish control and let someone else take care of us.  To let Isaac be the provider.

I sat down and did the math on all the bills, something I've done more times then I can count...and it never changes...never the less I sat down and counted them again did the math on what Isaac makes what we have going out and it's kinda scary.  Don't get me wrong we are so blessed and God provided this job for him right when we needed it but the benefits aren't quite as good and more expensive so with that we are actually bringing in a few hundred dollars less a month then he was making before plus we will have to add Ezekiel to the insurance which will up the bills a little.  As of now I plan on going back to work part time but we aren't even sure how that's going to work since Isaac hasn't been getting home till after 6 pm and I'd have to leave my house by 4:45 in order to even do a evening shift at work and it's not something he can control.  If they have deadlines they have to meet then he has to stay.  The other night he was at work till 9:30 pm.  I ended up getting off work at 9 and driving over to pick him up so he wouldn't have to take the bus.  It's things like this that are out of my control...where I am such a planner that scare me so badly.  But I know God will make it clear to us what we should do.  Like I said before there are a lot of things we have to pray about and just see what doors open up or close.  

Either way Lord I ask that you would help us to trust you.  We heard from Isaac's Mom the cancer is stage 3 breast cancer but thankfully only on the one side.  The doctor said this kind of cancer is curable.  Which hearing that is a huge relief never the less its a very hard road in front of her.  6 Months of Chemo-she gets her chemo pump put in next week- then a full mastectomy, then radiation.  She already is worried about traveling for the baby shower with doing chemo.  So we aren't sure when the baby comes if she will even be able to make the trips up here to visit so that will be on us to go.  Which we don't mind at all, I know they'll want to show that grand baby off anyway.  So that's another thing we are keeping in mind. 

So what's the point of this post?  The point of this post is for complete honesty.  To let you readers see into my life: fears, worries, excitements everything. 

Ezekiel is most definitely getting stronger every day.  Today on my way to work I was stopped in the car and looked down and just saw a huge leg move across my stomach.  It was amazing!

Yesterday I most certainly had a pregnancy brain moment.  I was working on a project on the computer where I was printing three items per page...I was printing several trying to get everything just right so I then took all the ones that that I had just printed and started counting but instead of putting the pages down I counted I continued to put them behind each of the ones I already counted and just kept going till I realized what I was doing and that I was most definitely over what I printed.  I had to laugh at myself.

Nesting or Spring Cleaning?

Well today was quite productive.  Not sure if spring cleaning hit me or nesting or both. But I could not stop my cleaning spree. And when I say couldn't stop I mean I would try to sit down then have to get right up to get back to it. I weeded a flower bed, swept, mopped, Windex the house windows, cleaned the bathroom, including scrubbing the floor, cleaned out the linen closet and reorganized. Then proceeded to scrub down the doors and walls. I just couldn't stop....oh and I steam cleaned the carpets downstairs yesterday and vacuumed upstairs today.

Then I felt it...the exhaustion hit.  I have the windows open at home its just so nice but so windy several of my wall pictures got blown off the wall.  I didn't even bother to stand up and get them.  I figured I would just get to them at the next pee break.  So needless to say I am very tired/worn out but feel very accomplished.  HOWEVER, I see dust that needs dusting...it's like its sitting there mocking me.  But I forced myself to stay put.  I can do the dusting tomorrow.  Though we will see if I have that same energy.


We heard from my mother in law yesterday.  Thankfully the cancer is only in the one spot and doesn't seem to be too aggressive.  She will need to do surgery and chemo and possibly follow it up with radiation.  But they are not sure yet about that.  She meets with the Dr tomorrow to discuss time tables ect; so please keep her and our family in your prayers.

Today I hit 31 weeks.  It has just been flying by so fast...but in the best possible way of course.  I can't believe I have finally made it here.  In just 8 short weeks I will begin my maternity leave.

Speaking of preparing for baby coming I realize I have not given an update on my hypnobabies studies recently.  Well it is going really well.  I am now on the maintenance schedule where I listen to a different tape, alternating every day until I get to 38 weeks then I am able to listen to the one where it can begin to get you ready for labor/induce labor.  I think I might hold off on that one just because of how powerfully they have worked for me.  I really don't want to end up going into labor before my maternity leave starts or my Mom gets into town.  So I may start it week 39 instead of 38.

I also met up with my friend who is throwing me my baby shower and we were able to pick the menu, see the venue...go over a game plan on games, prizes ect and it was so much fun!  Can't believe that is coming so soon too!   And in just a few weeks my Mom and Sister will be here and I'll have a week to just relax, enjoy their company and try and recoup for the upcoming weeks till baby comes.

The Frailness of Faith

The frailness of faith amazes me sometimes.  Time and time again God has proven himself faithful.  He has proven himself to be a provider.  To open up every door that we need open.  But in my mind if I allow those what if's to begin to sink in suddenly I can feel overwhelmed. 

I have such a big control problem.  I understand there is a difference between trying to be smart and plan the best possible way I can with our finances but with maternity leave encroaching and me not going to be bringing in any money I began to freak out a little.  I began trying to think of any way I could possibly save more money before the leave.  Began thinking of all the bills, how much a baby will cost: diapers, ect everything and just began getting overwhelmed till I realized....why am I doing this?  God just in the past month not only provided Isaac with a job right when we needed it but allowed us to come out on top with the entire situation not just in our personal relationships but in every way.   God is a provider.  He is the one who opens up all doors he wants opened period.  Its just so easy to get overwhelmed looking at the unknown but that's what can make life exciting!  It gives my God another opportunity to prove himself. 


So on a personal note(TMI WARNING):

I got home from work and was so tired and emotional and moody and Isaac decided to make a joke about maybe I need to get laid and I got frustrated because that was the last thing I want.  I had already been having braxton hicks for hours today and I told him no last time we had sex and I Orgasm ed i had contractions(braxton hicks) for almost 8 hours straight after.  And no I was exaggerating.  I then turn around and look at him and he just looks so disappointed/downcast.  Not necessarily for himself but just the fact he couldn't cheer me up.  And he asked me how I'm feeling(boy that's a loaded question for a pregnant woman) and I start bawling.

Him wanting to know whats wrong.  Because I feel like such a failure though I know I'm not, I know I'm being ridiculous but in the 6 years we've been married I always have strived to give 100% and now I still try but that 100% just isn't the same as it used to be.  Part of this is just in the housekeeping side of things where I have no energy to clean the house and I can't do a lot of the chores/things I used to be able to do.  Then in the physical where since we have been married I always believed as a wife one of the best things for our marriage I could do was make sure my husband is always sexually satisfied.  A happy healthy man in that area has no reason or want to look anywhere else.  Now I know Isaac wouldn't ever look anywhere else but I never even wanted the opportunity for temptations to come.  So in our entire almost 6 years of marriage even when I wasn't in the mood, I was tired or worn down I have maybe turned him down for sex 5 times but now I'm so uncomfortable I have zero desire for it.  I have no energy to even help him in other ways.  As I'm crying and telling him all this of course he is amazing.  He comes over and holds me and tells me that I am perfect and our relationship is perfect.  I continue to cry as he tells me that he doesn't mind picking up/helping with the chores and that its something he should have done since the beginning and just over all was very supportive and awesome.  I know I am being ridiculous but I can't help the way I feel.  I have always worked so hard and always accomplished so much every day feeling so accomplished.  Now I feel lucky if I can come home from work and cook dinner.  And I know it's just not going to get any easier.  But I just need to let myself rest and let myself feel. 

I've finally accepted the fact I need to sit down more at work if I can and the bending over to pick something up just makes me laugh now.  I have definitely gotten to the point where if I drop something I'll stare at it for several seconds to a minute weighing how bad is it really if I don't pick it up or bend over.  Sad but funny.

I had another coughing to throw up again today.  And again out of no where.  I was fine then got in the shower I guess the steam made me feel like I need to cough and I threw up part of my dinner.  I'm guessing I just need to try and eat really small meals now especially since allergy season is upon us. 

So that's it for tonight readers.  Tomorrow we will be celebrating Isaac's birthday that was this past week.  I"m excited to spend some good quality one on one time with him. 

Battle Scars

So I've been super excited and proud that I have not had any stretch marks yet.  Then last night I found one.  I saw it about a week ago and it was smaller so I thought it was just a bruise.  Then last night as I'm putting on lotion I feel it moving down my belly into one of those glorious dark marks.  I could freak out but I'm not going to.  This mark in a way is beautiful!  It is a testament that we have overcome our battle with fertility.  My growing belly, body and baby is beautiful and every day is a testimony of God's greatness.  After discovering this little one I looked on the other side and saw a few popping up on that side.  So I feel this wouldn't be a real blog unless I shared.....Sorry for the bright polished look I had literally just finished putting on the lotion.  The picture isn't showing it too well but it's there and I will be proud of that battle scar, at the same time praying it doesn't get too big of course. 

In not so fun news on the pregnancy related front: I just started coughing from drainage then proceeded to projectile vomit (out of no where with not warning) in mid cough all over my pants and the floor.  I had NO idea it was coming just felt like I needed to cough and WALLA puke.  Fantastic.  Hope that doesn't happen at work.  I can't take anything that would help.  Bendadryl kicks my butt even one makes me want to sleep for hours/can't function and Clariton doesn't do anything but on top of that almost every time I've had spotting either the day of or the day before I took either benadryl, tylenol or clairton so it makes me not want to take anything because it makes me think that it's not a coincidence.  Though I know those things wouldn't normally cause spotting.  I just hope that doesn't happen while I'm at work omg that would be horrific.

On a more serious note Isaac and I are still talking/praying about what to do in near the future when it comes to our family, our baby and our lives together.  On the family part, we need and want the option to be able to visit family more often/see them now more than 1 sometimes 2 times a year, sometimes we go over a year from seeing my family and facetime and facebook just isn't the same.  And his parents are only 4 hours away but we still only see them occasionally due to work schedules, drive and limited vacation times.  On the baby, we will not be putting Ezekiel in day care(first holy cow its expensive my paycheck would barely cover it!).   But that being set aside Neither myself or Isaac want anyone else watching/raising him apart from us while working/doing things that need to be done.  Obviously we have friends that we would have no issue babysitting for date nights and what not but when it comes to raising and taking care of our little guy on a regular basis we want it to be us.  We hate only having three days off together a month.  Gosh that sounds so small.  So horrifying.  How much time do we spend with our coworkers over our family?  I guess that's why I've gotten to love my coworkers to much.  They have become my family.  But either way family comes first...it always should.  So it's a lot to think and pray about.  A lot of unknowns and nerves.  Mainly because I have always been a control freak.  I have always worked and normally worked as close to a full time job as I was allowed since 13 years old.   When I was 13 I got a job paying under the table working at a photography studio cutting mats. booking appointments, filing ect;  looking back man I was a steal/not paid minimum wage but hey for me it was money!  From there I went to a Church nursery at 14 to a coffee shop at 15 and just every year worked and worked as much as I was allowed.  Either way whatever God leads us to do is going to be best for our family and that is was matters.

I just hate not being in control.  I think this might end up being very good for me though very scary...this unknown.  Shoot just the 12 week maternity leave itself where I don't have a paycheck coming in and we are relying on Isaac's income makes me want to squeeze my pocket book shut as fast as possible.  Wow, that's going to be so different.  Not to have two incomes coming in.  

But God has always always always provided!  Even when we had NO idea how he was going to he was there.  He is faithful always.  And I am so grateful to serve a God that can take 5 loaves and feed thousands of people.  He can take what we make and stretch it to all three of us.  I am blessed.  I am excited, though nervous about the future.  We will follow God's leading and go the direction He tells us.

30 Weeks

Yesterday I hit 30 weeks.  I can't believe how fast time is flying by.  In just 10 weeks little man will be ready to come join the world.  Though I will not object to him coming a few days earlier.  Actually I would like him to come the weekend before, on our 6 year wedding anniversary that way if I go into labor I don't have to worry about Isaac being at work and getting to the hospital. 

I had my midwife appointment yesterday and everything looks perfect.  Again they aren't concerned with the spotting since there seems to be no reason for it and he is perfect.  My fundal height/stomach measurement is exactly where it should be.  And Ezekiel is now head down, which I've been able to tell since his kicks are up higher and his hiccups I'm feeling really low when they happen. 

I really don't have a lot to say but just wanted to give a little update. 

Through it all......A Beautiful Sunday

Sorry it's taken me so long to get back on here readers.  I feel like this past week has been a week where we just needed to take time and digest information and start making steps toward decisions, reflect and pray.

Over Easter we were told that Isaac's Mom has cancer.  That right now there is more testing that needs to be done to figure out where the primary cancer is, and make sure it isn't spread through her body, but even where it's at right now the Dr said option wise it's looking like surgery and chemo are going to be what she has to go through.

And now we are waiting for her to tell the rest of her immediate family.  They are having their Easter this weekend so she wanted to wait till after to say anything to them so as not to damper anything.  So in the next few days she will be calling them to let them know.

So I would ask you readers to pray for her.  Pray for healing.  Pray that her positivity remains.  Pray for wisdom for her drs to know where to go and what paths to take and  that she would continue to have strength in her spirit and physically.  So for now we wait on the results from the mri, ekg's ect;

This has been a little hard to digest.  You hear cancer and your mind immediately goes to fears, worries people you know who struggled ect;  She is remaining very positive and optimistic which is very encouraging.  She got into a very good cancer treatment facility with a 95% success rate at adding 10 years to your lifespan when cancer is found.  When she said that though all I was thinking was 10 years.........you better make it further than 10 years!  I think we were all thinking the same thing.  But at the same time we were encouraged by her optimism. 

That being said now comes the time for us as a family to make decisions.  Currently my sister in law is staying with her and can help but she is also looking for work in her field that may result in her moving away.  They all live 4 hours away and we want to be able to help as much as we can/visit as much as we can after the baby is born since no one lives close by to help except friends who will do what they can but also have their own lives and their own families.  But it's also made us realize how easy it is to take family and life for granite.  We can't do this see family 1 maybe 2 times a year anymore.  Family comes first.  Loved ones are all that matters in the end.  So the next several months are going to be full of prayers and petitions and seeking God for wisdom and direction for us and healing, peace and prosperity for them.


So that is what had taken place the past several days that has occupied our hearts and minds.


Today was a beautiful Sunday!  We went to Church and they had the young college students leading everything and it was very nice.  The day was just beautiful.  The sun shining and the weather in the high 60s.  Just perfect.  I have to give a shout out to Isaac.  I am so incredibly grateful for him.  Throughout this whole pregnancy....no this whole year, okay the entire relationship, he has constantly put me first.  He has been so patient and kind.  Always my rock when I feel worn down.  Every day I fall more in love with him.  I can not imagine my life without him.  I wouldn't want to. 

With everything that has happened the last 12 months I just feel so incredibly grateful to have him in my life.  He is my everything.  Today he went above and beyond the call of duty and it just made me realize I really just want to dedicate some time on here to him and how supportive and awesome he is.  He may not have understood all the emotions that went with the journey of infertility, though he of course was part of it.  When I was the one who had the issues and felt broken he stood by me.  Instead of  resenting me for it He cherished me even more.  I will never forget what he told me that one day I was crying and venting to him the anguish in my heart.  That I was enough.  That when he married me he married me for me, not for the future kids we would have.  That I was enough and that every day with me was a day he was falling more in love with me. 

Today I was looking at all the yard work and stuff I wanted to get done knowing that I couldn't since I can't lift bags of mulch, mow the yard ect; anymore and he went out of his way and did it all.  From re-mulching the flower beds, to planting lilies and a tomato plant I bought, mowing the grass to coming with me to pick up Twix(our dog) from the groomers since she is 80 pounds and 13 years old so can't get in and out of the car but has to be lifted....which I can't do.  I was so grateful and proud.  I was seeing our poor front yard that this past winter reeked havoc on and just wanted it to be pretty again and he did it all.

So here's to the man I love and a wonderful day off together:

 

29 Weeks

Today we hit 29 weeks.  It has gone by so very fast.  I feel like I just haven't caught up from my 11 day work stretch I did.  That was way too much.  I'm so glad tomorrow is a short shift.  I'll be able to take the rest of the day to just relax.    I have a bunch of things on my mind I want to write about but I'm just a little too worn out and my mind seems to be going a mile a minute.  So for now I will leave you with my 29 week photo:

He is definitely sitting really low.  Not necessarily a bad thing.  I've heard rumors that if they carry low it actually helps labor go by faster. 

How is the third trimester treating you?

So this is a question I have been getting a lot and I kind of feel like it is a loaded question.  I absolutely love being pregnant.  But with my stomach getting bigger I am most definitely getting into a new level of discomfort that I didn't experience before. 

Ezekiel's movements are getting stronger which is so amazing and awesome and I love.  And every day I get bigger and bigger and further along and just know that my baby will be coming into my arms so very soon.  That also means he is getting bigger which is causing a few not so comfortable things to come with it.  It's getting harder to breathe when sitting down.  But then I feel like I need to sit down because I'll be on my feet and start getting braxton hicks, and have trouble holding myself up for so long on my feet.  On top of that sometimes my regularity has gone back to being a little backed up.  It's like pooping can occasionally feel like a victory.  I'm thankfully mostly regular but the day's I feel backed up just make it even harder to breathe, move around comfortably.  Then I can barely put my socks on even sitting down.  Bending over to pick anything up has begun to hurt and just over all be really uncomfortable...so I hate to admit it if I drop something now most of the time I have to do a mental calculation on how bad it is if I just leave it there. Sleep has begun to become just a dream I wish I could have.  I will toss and turn all night trying to stay comfortable.  My hips will hurt so bad....not the sciatica but where my actual sides/hips are and it makes it really hard to walk once I wake up and move around and to even just roll over. 

So that being said there are definitely more pros then cons on my positivity level but definitely feel the hardships of the third trimester coming forward. 

Going  a different direction I can not believe the things that people say to me.  Not even just being pregnant but in general.  For example here is a story from today:

I'm walking back into work from my lunch break and a coworkers client is walking toward me getting ready to leave and she calls out when are you due? I said June and she comes up in front of me kinda blocking my path and she feels my belly and says your having a little girl aren't you? I said no its a little boy, she stands back and says boy?  I was gonna say boy.  I was a obgyn nurse for 25 years..you want to know what it is with the boys it means you climaxed during sex to conceive so it made the male sperm swim faster. I looked at her thinking I'm being punked right now right?

I really just can't believe the things that people say/think is okay.