6 weeks 4 days

We went in today for our second ultrasound in order to see the heartbeat.  It was absolutely beautiful!  It's beating at 123 beats per minute.  They did see a shadow on the ultrasound that they couldn't tell what it was.  So we then left the hospital and just 20 minutes later I received a voice mail saying they needed to have me come back in for another ultrasound.  She said that they don't know what they are seeing so I need to come back in for another ultrasound.  So of course since this was just via voice mail my mind immediately was going to worse case scenario.  So I called and asked them to call me back.  So when they did they were able to explain more in detail and put my mind at ease.

She said they weren't sure what it was.  That it could be nothing but there was a shadow that could be a cyst or structure on the sac but they didn't know what it is so they want me to come back in on Wednesday for another ultrasound on a high tech machine in order to see if its really there and if so what it is.  I asked her if I need to be concerned about loosing my baby at all.  She said not at all.  That if they thought there was any danger in me loosing my child they would send me to the ER and immediately have it looked at.  She said it could end up being nothing.  But that at the ultrasound everything looked really good and that the ultrasound tech just mentioned that she wasn't concerned but that maybe we should get a better picture on a better machine just to be on the safe side.  AKA maybe to cover their bases.  But oh man that was so incredibly stressful.  But now after talking to the nurse in detail about it I feel so much better.

 

So now I'm just trusting God and praying and believing that when I go back in on Wednesday it will be nothing.  That everything will be perfect and exactly what it should be with everything in place. 

6 weeks today

Lately I have just been feeling so at peace with everything.  We had a pipe burst from the bathroom that caused water damage to come into the kitchen.  As frustrated as I was at the time I'm so at peace.  Then today at work I locked my keys in the car.  I just had to laugh about it as they were sitting there in the front seat just mocking me like "Hey look what you did!".   It's like every little thing that comes against me is just so miniscule in the big realm of things.  I'm going to have a baby!  It's as if nothing can get me down.  I am just so excited!

We go in on Friday to for our next ultrasound to see the heartbeat.  I am so ready!  It's going to be so exciting.  We plan on telling Isaac's parents over the weekend after we see it.  We haven't decided exactly how yet.  Isaac's Dad is on a missions trip in Jamaica right now and he will be flying back home on Saturday and his birthday is on Sunday so we are thinking about driving down(a 4 hour drive) to surprise them for his birthday the only thing is I work Saturday till 5 and we both work Monday so it's quite a long visit for such a short amount of time.  But I know it would be worth it.  So we shall see. 

God is so good and I feel so incredibly blessed.  As to how I feel for pregnancy things now: I feel pretty good.  Morning sickness hits off an on thankfully nothing very bad.  If I eat it seems to go away.   Of course I've had very tender breasts-the tell tail sign supposedly.  I've also been getting a decent amount of round ligament pain...not fun but it still makes me smile cause it reminds me there is another life forming and living on the inside.

I'll post more on Friday after we see the heartbeat. 

5 week 2 day ultrasound

Today as I went in with Isaac to the fertility specialist it was such a different visit than I normally feel walking into that office.  In the past it was full of dread, anticipation and sadness.  Today's was just straight joy and excitement; mixed with the tiniest bit of nervousness.  That seemed to go away though as soon as we got there. 

Everything was beautiful!  And baby is growing right on schedule.  She said as of now it only looks like 1 but she can not say with absolute certainty so we will be able to tell for sure at our appointment next week(on Halloween) when we go in for the next and hopefully last ultrasound with the fertility specialist.  Because if everything is good I'll be released to a regular Dr.  I also already set up my first prenatal appointment.  I decided to go with a nursing midwife instead of straight obgyn.  I like the homey feel they give and how involved they let you be in what is going on in your pregnancy.  Along with some other things that helped me make my decision.  So on November 5th I'll have my first appointment with them.

So below are the pictures of our first ultrasound.  Our beautiful baby bean.  So exciting!

Today we also had our third beta done as well which turned out excellent.  My numbers doubled again and today's beta was: 7016.  I have to say though a case of the pregnancy brain had hit already.  I heard the number and immediately questioned if that's actually a good number since the beta didn't double.  Then someone did the math and said it did double, it more than doubled I was at 3306 last time.  Yeah, its already happening.  Dun Dun Duh.......

I also decided to get my first ever flue shot.  With working with the public I really don't want to run the risk of getting sick. 

 

First Ultrasound tomorrow!

So tomorrow is our first ultrasound.  I am just so excited!  I can not wait to see the sack and maybe a little bean shaped object!   It's still gonna be too early for the heartbeats but we get to go back for that next week. 

Last night Isaac and I were discussing the nursery and decor ideas.  We want to do a Dr Who theme whether girl or boy so we were coming up with ideas.  Then I mentioned if we have twins we will have to use the other room(the bigger guest bedroom).  We then went in there and he had to get all the details together on where everything would go.  I told him we don't actually have to have everything set up now.  He said he wouldn't be able to do anything else until he figures out where he wants everything to go.  It was so cute to see him so excited.  We both agree twins would be great but even if there is only one it will still be so exciting!

Tomorrow will just make everything so real to us.  We are very excited! 

Beta #2-I'm so excited!

Things are looking so good!  I went in this morning for my second Beta and in the words of the Dr things are looking excellent.

My first Beta was 566 and that was at 16 days past ovulation today my Beta at 20 days past ovulation was 3306.  I'm still hoping for twins and I'm trying not to read too much into the numbers.  But this is falling into the twin range according to some of the websites:

http://www.advancedfertility.com/earlypre.htm

Though on this particular testing they didn't use very many test subjects per test. 

I'm so excited about that prospect!  Though twins or no twins I know I'm having a super healthy pregnancy so far.  And believe and know it will continue.  And I will be thrilled to add the addition to our family whether one or two.  Today I've been getting morning sickness off and on.  We go in this Wednesday for our first ultrasound.  We wont see a ton but we will hopefully be able to see if there is more than one, though she said it could possibly be too early still.

I also had them check my thyroid and everything was good.  My tsh was at 2.39 and my t4 was at 1.02

I am just so excited!  In just two days I'll be able to see my little baby!  I am just so incredibly excited!  I don't even have words.  

First Beta(updated)

So I just got back from the Fertility Specialist to get my first Beta done.  So now I wait.  I feel so excited and so at peace.  I know my numbers are going to be fantastic.  I can not wait to hear from them.

I haven't really had any "pregnancy symptoms" yet except slightly tender breasts and bloating.  

I did find out that most likely my Fertility Specialist will be doing an ultrasound within the next two weeks.  They normally like to check things out before they send you to your obgyn.

So later this evening I will put an edit on here with my Beta information.  Until then.

Edit:

 I got a phone call from the Dr while I was at work.  Thankfully I was not with a client so I grabbed the phone and ran out into the hall.  The nurse said: Congratulations Devin you are most certainly pregnant.  Your Beta # is 566!  I was estatic!  We are having a baby and it's now DR official.  So on Monday I will go back in for my second Beta test to make sure the numbers are doubling then by the end of next week they will try to have me in for our first ultrasound.  They said we wont see much on the first ultrasound but we will get to see the pregnancy in the uterus.  I am so excited.  

I have a feeling things aren't going to be kept very quite and secretive at work.  I turned around to go into back into the salon and EVERYONE I had already told was standing there in the door smiling and asking for info.  Then when I was putting a shipment away that came in one of them ran up to me and yelled at me for picking up heavy things(which I did not pick up by the way) and how I can't pick up heavy things right now.  This was in front of people so yeah I'm thinking I wont be able to keep it secret for very long.

I just want to be able to make it to 6 weeks or the ultrasound before we start spreading the news.  I'm really excited to tell Isaac's parents.  That's what I'm so looking forward to with the ultrasound.  The go ahead forward to tell them.

I haven't been feeling super pregnant.  I am just starting to get nauseous after I eat.  But thankfully if I drink plenty of water it seems to subside.  

We will be going away tomorrow for the weekend so I wont be posting anything till after my Beta Monday.  

God I thank you that you have heard my cry.  I feel like I can cry out with all the women of faith in the Bible whom were barren and you opened their wombs and say this is the child that I prayed for!

Psalm 40

¹ I waited patiently for the Lord;
    he turned to me and heard my cry.
² He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
    out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
    and gave me a firm place to stand.
³ He put a new song in my mouth,
    a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
    and put their trust in him.

⁴ Blessed is the one
    who trusts in the Lord,
who does not look to the proud,
    to those who turn aside to false gods.^[b]
5 Many, Lord my God,
    are the wonders you have done,
    the things you planned for us.
None can compare with you;
    were I to speak and tell of your deeds,
    they would be too many to declare.

⁶ Sacrifice and offering you did not desire—
    but my ears you have opened^[c]—
    burnt offerings and sin offerings^[d] you did not require.
⁷ Then I said, “Here I am, I have come—
    it is written about me in the scroll.^[e]
8 I desire to do your will, my God;
    your law is within my heart.”

⁹ I proclaim your saving acts in the great assembly;
    I do not seal my lips, Lord,
    as you know.
¹⁰ I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;
    I speak of your faithfulness and your saving help.
I do not conceal your love and your faithfulness
    from the great assembly.

¹¹ Do not withhold your mercy from me, Lord;
    may your love and faithfulness always protect me.
¹² For troubles without number surround me;
    my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
    and my heart fails within me.
¹³ Be pleased to save me, Lord;
    come quickly, Lord, to help me.

¹⁴ May all who want to take my life
    be put to shame and confusion;
may all who desire my ruin
    be turned back in disgrace.
¹⁵ May those who say to me, “Aha! Aha!”
    be appalled at their own shame.
¹⁶ But may all who seek you
    rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who long for your saving help always say,
    “The Lord is great!”

¹⁷ But as for me, I am poor and needy;
    may the Lord think of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;

    you are my God, do not delay.

My little bean is growing

So I had decided yesterday that I wasn't going to take a test because if it was lighter then most likely I was loosing the pregnancy and since I worked a 12 hour shift I didn't think it would be wise to stress about it all day. 

Well today I officially hit 14 days past ovulation.  And I've hit 24 hours without spotting!  I also took another pregnancy test(this shall be my last one) and the baby is officially growing and the hcg rising. 

Words can't even describe how I feel right now.  I am just so excited!  Actually beyond excited.  This has been a very long 2+ year journey and I'm so glad we are finally moving on to the next chapter.  I go in on Thursday to check my Beta levels and if the spotting starts up again we may switch me to the progesterone in oils shots anyway.

So I have been feeling very bloated but in the best possible way ever!  It doesn't even bother me, I love it!  It reminds me that there is a precious little gift growing on the inside of me.  I decided that every week I'm going to take a picture of my belly (aka bloat right now) to show it growing.  I do have to say at first I was like well maybe  I shouldn't because those what ifs came back to mind.  Well those what ifs can suck it!  I am pregnant, and only God can control the future.   I have no say therefore right now I will enjoy every moment. 

Our estimated Due date is June 23.  Right after our 6 year anniversary which is June 21.

I promise I'm not sticking it out, I'm actually sucking in as much as I can-though I think my natural stomach pudge definitely helped make it more noticeable.  Excuse the mess though.




So now I'm not sure when I should set up appointments for things but I plan on getting on that today and just looking up ones our insurance covers. 

Greater is He

I can't explain the peace I have.  It's just so exponential. I don't have time to write a  full post right now.  But I had to share and I'll come back and edit tonight down below.   But I truly serve a  God  of  miracles  who despite everything is faithful. I took another  test today and here is a picture comparing the two.   So I am believing by faith my lil bean is growing.
 I'm still spotting off and on(not a lot at all)but I have so much peace.  If God wants this pregnancy to continue it will and nothing can change that  for He is bigger.

Edit:

So now that I have a little bit more time I can actually go into some detail.  I called the Dr to tell them I am still spotting/bleeding on and off and that I was worried about not giving this one a chance to really stick if the progesterone isn't enough.  They called me back and said that at this point just to continue the progesterone I've been taking and we will wait and see what my numbers are on Thursday.  If it's going to stick it's going to stick and right now spotting can be completely normal. 

So for now I just wait and will be joyful that my tests are getting darker this time rather than lighter like it did last time.  I can't believe it.  I remember seeing family and friends tests that dark and just thinking to myself I can't wait till I see a test that dark.  Even with my chemical pregnancy I had that longing.  I just wanted to be able to see that beautiful pink line.

Over and over the story of the leper in Mark keeps coming to mind.  I think part of this is due to the fact that we are studying miracles and this in our Bible Study but it so applies:

Mark 1:40-42

  ⁴⁰ A man with leprosy came to him and begged him on his knees, “If you are willing, you can make me clean.”⁴¹ Jesus was indignant.  He reached out his hand and touched the man. “I am willing,” he said. “Be clean!” ⁴² Immediately the leprosy left him and he was cleansed.

The past few days this story and that man's request has played over and over in my mind.  The man knew that Jesus could heal him if He was willing.  The same in this situation.  God will let this baby stick if he is willing.  He is bigger than every problem.  Nothing is too great for Him.  I serve a God of miracles and a God who has proven Himself time and time again to be good and faithful.

So nothing I can do is going to change the outcome.  So my cry today is God if you are willing, you can make this baby stick and let my numbers be whole and high when I go in Thursday.  

For now I'm just believing with all my heart that the bleeding was/is that illusive implantation bleeding that you always hear about...though I must confess this was NOT what I had in mind. 

Trusting

I woke up this morning to some more spotting.  I took another pregnancy test and it is darker than yesterday's and definitely positive.  At this point I am just believing and trusting that God is in control. 

I am Pregnant.  There is no question about that.  

I really can't believe how much peace I have right now.  I still don't understand what is going on, my body is not doing what normally happens when someone gets pregnant.  But I will trust that God has it all in His hands.  There is nothing I can do that will keep this pregnancy.  It is all in God's hands.  So I will rest under the shadow of His wings and just try and stay sane.  But enjoy the journey as it takes place. 

I have to say I love seeing those beautiful pink lines this morning.

My God is bigger.....

He is bigger than anything my body could throw at it.  He's bigger than my own expectations and plans.   He is always faithful and always there.  After I posted my last post I just had this feeling that I needed to take a pregnancy test and within two minutes it was positive! 

I just can not believe it!  Just yesterday I swear I thought my period was here!  I just don't even have words. 

Immediately the fears tried to start coming into my mind of what ifs what happened last time is happening since I was bleeding yesterday.   But it was like a blanket of peace just settled over me.  this pregnancy is not that pregnancy.  My God is so faithful and nothing can happen without His okay.  So I will take it and enjoy it and love it while I have it.   When the fears sneak in I will allow myself to be surrounded by His peace.

I am only 10 days past ovulation and already the tests(I've taken two) are darker than they were last time when I was at 12 dpo. 

I feel so excited!  I go in next Thursday for my blood pregnancy test.  At this point I'm just so happy I have all those wondafo pregnancy tests(I bought 50 for $20) so I can test it up the next few days. 

I just feel so full of peace and joy.  It's so different from last time.  I know that God is in control and that He will cause it all to work out exactly as it should.  I just want to rest in that.  I will believe that this will carry to the very end.  In 9 months I will be holding my precious baby.

Because my God is so faithful and so much bigger than my mind could ever comprehend.  

Waking with Peace

Today I woke up with just so much peace.  I asked God for peace and joy and it seems He is granting that request though a little slowly.  I really feel and know I am sheltered under the shadow of His wings.

Today I went to the adoption website we are thinking about using and just looked over the birth mother profiles.  And then decided to read some of the testimonies and see pictures of the beautiful babies that have been placed in new homes and all fear was just lifted from me.  As I was looking at those precious faces the yearning in my heart just grew.  It will be so amazing to be able to bless one of those beautiful little ones with a home that can love and provide for them.  They will be loved and taken care of exactly as if they are our own.  No ifs, ands or buts about it.

I spoke to the nurse at the Fertility Office this morning.  She had listened to the message and called me back.  She isn't sure why the Dr would be having me stay on the progesterone if I've been having heavy bleeding off and on.  So now I just will wait to hear back from her after she talks to the Dr.  The spotting is continued just a lot lighter than it was.  So for now I just have to wait and see what's going on. 

Resigned

Today I have just felt surrounded in a dismal stormy cloud.  It was so hard to break through.  I kept getting fits where all I wanted to do was cry.  I just felt lost.  I still do.  I feel like I'm looking at my life and this situation and all I want to do is cry out to God, curse life and it's hardships, curse my flesh that gives into these emotions.

It was so hard to keep that fake smile plastered to my face all day as I talked with my clients.  It really goes to show you never know what someone is going through.  

It's hard to resign myself to the thought that if this new medication doesn't work then there goes my chance of any more fertility treatments.  I won't say that I will not ever get pregnant because I do not believe that.  I still believe the report of God that it will happen but it will take a miracle to get me there.  It's hard to believe and hope for those positive things when all you can see is the dark gray stormy clouds.

I kept having the scripture from John 12:24 coming into my mind today:

I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat is planted in the soil and dies, it remains alone. But its death will produce many new kernels--a plentiful harvest of new lives.

That Kernel of wheat in a way is my dream to motherhood.  My dream of experiencing the joys of pregnancy.  I used to always say with a smile on my face we will just adopt and it was so easy but now I'm afraid this journey is trying to even rob that joy from me.  I want to adopt, I've always wanted to adopt yet I didn't want it to be an alternative for us or a fall back plan.  I wanted our child to feel 100% loved and accepted and chosen not out of desperation for having a family but out of love.  That is why I always wanted to have our own first and then add to it through adoption.  I know that the act of adoption itself does show the child that they are loved.  I just keep having these random thoughts that don't make much sense running through my mind.

I want the joy of the Lord back even in the midst of this.  I don't want these next three months to be a countdown of misery.  I want to make the most of every situation.

Right now I just don't know how.  I know that He sees it all.  And His plans are always so much bigger than my own.  So for now I will try to rest in that and remember that we are exactly where God wants that to be...even if it's not where I want us to be. 

On the physical note:
My spotting got heavier today to a point I felt I was in full flow(heavy bleeding with clots) but then it broke down to just spotting again.  So I now know it is definitely my period trying to break through.  I called the nurse line to see if I can go ahead and just stop the progesterone then since this on and off heavy bleeding is going beyond spotting and I feel its going to make it hard to pinpoint when my actual cycle day 1 should be.  So right now I'm just waiting for the call back.  I didn't take the progesterone tonight since I'm still bleeding off and on and feel it's pointless...but I did take my dose this morning.  So we will see what they say. 


God you see my heart.  You see the brokenness and frustrations.  You see my desperation.  God you are a God of miracles and I chose to believe the report of the Lord.  I have seen miracles performed and I know they exist and so I ask God, I beg and plead give me a miracle! 

Only a few more chances

I had a Drs appointment today to discuss where we need to go/do because currently the medication they gave me(progesterone) that is supposed to keep my period from coming after ovulation is just not working.  At 7 days past ovulation I started bleeding and Aunt Flow seems to be trying to make her way in. 

We decided if my period does come then next cycle we will change it up.  We will keep with the dosage of Femara(the alternative to Clomid) only we will need to change the days I take it to force ovulation earlier cause even with the medication this cycle I still didn't ovulate till cycle day 17-19 which is too late for me with my short luteal phase.

Then after ovulation we will be switching my progesterone to progesterone and oil shots-this is what they typically will use with ivf ...since my body is not responding to the progesterone I'm on now as it should.

We also talked about the next steps....they will only allow me to do 3 more treatment cycles(6 in total) before IVF becomes my only option.  We discussed the possibility of doing iui's(inter uterine insemination) but Isaacs count is high enough she doesn't think that will actually bump our chances up very much only 1-3% at most. 

So we had prayed and asked for answers on how long we should continue this path and it seems that answer is made up for us.  I don't know how I feel about IVF it is so much money for just a chance that you might get pregnant when we could just head towards adoption like we wanted.  I had always said no absolutely not but the closer I get to that being the only option the more my stance on that waves.......Its scary to know that an end might be in sight.  One way or another a close to this chapter in our lives will be happening by January and that just breaks my heart, relieves me and angers me all in one go.

I know I don't have a choice this is the journey I am forced to walk and I will try my best to do it with a happy heart.

For now she wants me to continue on the progesterone even though I am still spotting until 14 days past ovulation or I get full flow.   I kind of feel like that is just postponing the inevitable but I'm grateful at the same time to since it will give me a  little more time before our final treatment cycles begin.

So frustrated!

I'm only 7 days past ovulation and I'm only on cycle day 23 and I'm having spotting with heavy clots!  I have been having bad cramps the past few days so I know it has to be my period trying to come.  I'm so frustrated!  Even with the medication I can not seem to get myself to have a normal cycle that will actually give me a chance at pregnancy. 

I meet with the Dr tomorrow to discuss where we go next and to get on the same page I plan on printing her out all my medicated charts so she can see how my next flow always starts way too early regardless of the medication I'm on.  So whether I need a higher dose or just another medication I don't know.  But I will find out tomorrow.

I'm trying so hard to keep positive.  To know and believe that God has everything in His control.  But I'm so incredibly frustrated.  I just want to cry.  I hope I feel better tomorrow when I meet with the Dr.

Why is this so hard.  Why can't my body just do what it's supposed to when it's supposed to.  7 days after ovulating and a week early for my period is just ridiculous.  I want to scream and throw a temper tantrum but I know this wont do any good. 

I keep thinking back to when I got pregnant.  I was on vacation relaxing, laying around all day pretty much doing nothing but swimming and eating.  Is that what it takes?  What if my job(being on my feet all day and constantly moving) could be preventing me from getting pregnant.  I know it's not the reason but I feel like I need something or someone to blame.  I just want to be a Mom.  I want to experience the joys of carrying a baby. 

Again I am reminded how broken I am.  How lost I feel.   I hope tomorrow I'll get some answers that will guide my path.  

My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise. Psalm 51:17

Thank you Lord that I can come to you with honesty.  I can come to you and pour out my heart.  God I am so sick and tired of this journey.  I'm tired of being poked and prodded like an animal in order to move forward.  I'm tired of feeling like Isaac and I are missing out.  God, yes he is enough for me and children are just an added blessing to that mix.  But I want to be able to experience that now!  God I want so badly to be able to see that you remember us.  I feel my chemical pregnancy was just a false hope now.  An inkling of hey here you are, nope just kidding.  God guide us in the direction you want us to go but I ask that you would help my heart to be okay with the direction you send me in.  I may not like this path you have called me to but I want to make the most of it while I'm here.  Guide me Lord I pray.  ~Amen~

Emotional

I had a great day today but for some reason I just got really emotional.  It's been over a month since my chemical pregnancy and I've been able to talk about it to people without a problem.  But tonight when I told one of my friends who knows we are doing fertility treatments about it I just started crying.  I feel okay, I have grieved and I have healed but I guess it wont ever completely go away.  It amazes me how something like this can devastate so badly.  I wasn't pregnant for weeks, I didn't get to hear a heartbeat but it has become a part of me.  I'm in the percentage of those who have loved and lost.

I will not let this beat me though.  I feel relief in the thought that at least I know we can get pregnant.  I know that it will happen in God's timing. 

So far this cycle things are looking really promising.  I did ovulate, and hoping that both eggs were released since I had the two follicles growing neck and neck(one at 12 ml and one at 11 on cd 12)  So both should have grown and released around the same time.  I got two days worth of positive ovulation tests.  I know I posted my one positive on my last post but the next day I got an even stronger positive.  I've never had that before ever so I'm praying that's a good sign.  Actually on my previous Femara cycles I didn't get a + ovulation test at all even though on cycle day 12 I had one that was already ready to go measuring at 18.  So now I am officially in the two week wait and I just want to keep myself busy but positive.