Peace in the midst of the storm

I feel like this is just going to be repeating myself from many previous blogs.  But then again I guess in a situation like mine you tend to deal with the same up and down roller coaster of emotions over and over again.

This past Sunday was Easter Sunday.  And on that 4 hour drive to get to my in-laws house we go through lots and lots of country/farms, mountains and hills.  It's a beautiful drive one that words just don't do justice.  It was also during this ride that I was able to just sit back and think.   Or not think.

During this visit with my family I was refreshed.  I needed it more than I realized.  I needed to be able to step back and just enjoy life.

During this time I realize that family comes first. Family should always come first.  I have gotten so caught up in my struggles not just with infertility but life in general that I've allowed these aggravations to steal my joy.

Stresses at work, at home, physically.  All of it would nag at me from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed.  And this time away from it all where I was able to just step away and forget everything was so very needed.  But then I wondered.  Why can I not do that all the time?  Why do I have such a hard time every day just truly surrendering all of life's problems. 

For Today I am not pregnant, but today has blessings and joys that tomorrow wont.  Every single day is a gift from God and every day will bring different gifts and beauty.  And I need to just step forward into that realization every day.

I have been frustrated with my infertility-but for now I can rejoice in my amazing husband who is always there for me and gives me every ounce of support I could ever want or need. 
I have been aggravated at the medical expenses-but I can rejoice in the fact that after I pay all my bills, put food on the table I still have enough to bless others and to put toward my medical bills
I have been frustrated with certain work situations- I love what I do and I love the people I work with.  I love my clients and every day I get to make a positive difference in the lives of those around me. 

Today is just a season, and it's a season that once it's gone I will never get back.  So I want to rejoice in this season.  Rejoice in this moment.  Everyday. 

It's not easy, and I know it will not get any easier as time goes on.  But I also know that God has a plan for my life in this season and the next.  So I want to focus on that. 

Always Angry

So I have now been on the thyroid medication for over two weeks( I started April 1st ) and Oh My Gosh I am having some crazy mood swings!  So lets start with the fact that this is already an emotional journey but now I am just feeling so angry/aggravated at the littlest thing.  I can even be by myself and feel super angry at nothing specific.  I'm not feeling stressed or hurt or sad...just angry.  Almost like someone force fed me steroids and my body is going crazy.

Exercise is definitely helping to release some of this tension but on top of the mood swings I am also so incredibly tired all the time.  I can get 10 hours of sleep and all I want to do is sleep some more.  This makes it very hard to get myself to exercise. Before I started the meds I had been doing good on that front.  About two month ago I bought a treadmill and was forcing myself to walk/run 3 miles 5 days a week.  So far its been about two months and I have lost 8 pounds.  This is very very rare for me.  I have the hardest time loosing weight so I am excited that it finally happened.  But now that I started the meds I am just sooo tired and its even harder to force myself to work out. 

I'm hoping this will get better with time.  I'm believing it will.  I hope my body is just trying to adjust and it will get better.  I hate feeling like this.

Thankfully my husband is being incredibly patient and understanding and tries so hard to make me laugh whenever he can.  I just keep telling myself it will be worth it in the end. 

Putting it away

When we had hit the 8 month mark on our trying to conceive I had bought some yarn to start knitting a by faith baby blanket.  Well as the time began getting longer and longer I slowly started working on it a little less and a little less.  It went from being an exciting prospect for the future to a reminder that it's not working.  That I'm not there yet.  So today I am putting it away.  Not forever just until the time comes and I can knit it with excitement and with a countdown in mind of holding our precious little gift. 

One day at a time

I feel like this could be the title to a lot of my posts.  One day at a time, that's really all I can do.  I have so much peace right now though.  I think and try to wonder how far will we take this, how long will we go, how many months?  And then I realize I just have to follow this peace.

Psalm 23

The Lord is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
² He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
³ He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.

* He leads me beside the still waters

He never gives me more than I can bear.  He has always been faithful and will continue to be and for this I am so blessed.  
* He restores my soul

He is what I live for every day.  He is the one who gives me strength who pours out into me every day.  
* For His name’s sake.
For His name sake He will bring His promises to pass.

Sometimes it's so much easier to say these things then to truly  believe them.  But over and over again God has proven himself.  

Lord lead me beside these still waters.  Lead me in the direction and path that you want me to go.  Restore my soul and give me peace.  I thank you for it Lord.   

Answers...just not what I wanted

So the visit, where to start?
Well turns out my thyroid is back to being too high, it seems I have a fluctuating thyroid. So today I start synthroid then in 6 weeks I will check back with her to make sure my thyroid levels are optimal THEN we can try to begin treatments...whats frustrating though is that I have a endo and went to see her about my levels back in October and when we checked my levels had gone from 5.6 to 2.21(they want you below 2.25 for achieving pregnancy) and currently they are 4.06...so its just a frustrating circumstance.  At 4.06 I am still technically in the normal range for someone who is not trying to get pregnant but there was a study done that showed women with their thyroid levels higher have a higher chance of miscarriage, now the dr was willing to go forward and proceed with treatment plans if I didn't want to do synthroid but she said since 40% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage she doesn't want that to happen and then for us to wonder, well what if and then go back to square one so I agree, as much as I hate the idea of waiting again.  So what we are going to do is synthroid for 6 weeks then check my levels again make sure they are optimal after that then she wants to start me on an aggressive letrozole cycyle(femara-a different pill similar to clomid)she is choosing femara over clomid because of the possibility that I do have pcos. She said my signs are just not consistent across the board.  I had a cyst in my ovaries but not the blood work to back up pcos...so she doesn't want me on metformin since not everything is lining up so when we do finally start the femara process I call on cycle day 1 and go in cycle day 3 for blood work and a vaginal ultrasound to see if I have any cysts from the previous cycle*like i did this past test**if I do then femara will NOT work for that next month so I have to wait another month and try again, if I have another cyst THAT next month we will have to consider different approaches but if I get the go ahead I will take femara cycle days 3-7 AND then take opks from cycle days 10-12 and go in for a surge detection--she said I should get this by cycle day 12 if I am on the femara but then they will do another ultrasound cd 12 and then a trigger shot if I am ready to O to make sure I do actually O....after that she will have me on progesterone shots(one a day) up until the pregnancy hormones seem to be able to maintain themselves.  I start Synthroid today and will continue to take it up until 6 weeks POST Pardom.  Then she will want me to wean myself off of it and see how my body reacts...so I will be on it now- having a baby/nursing.  I'm very emotional right now, doesn't help that I'm currently on my period so already my hormones are out of wack.  So right now I'm not sure how I feel I'm excited to finally be doing something but so, upset/sad and frustrated that I am having to wait yet again for something I was trying to get treated back in October.  And of course struggling with fear of what ifs after this wait we get my thyroid in order only to find that the cysts are consistent so the pills wont work for us.    I know that it will all end up working out.  So for now we plan on the treatments happening(God willing) at the end of May.  So just keep us in your prayers...and for me to really just trust that God knows best and that for TODAY he has decided that I am not going to be starting treatment but that doesn't mean forever.  And I know that by doing this when we do get to start treatment I will be in the most optimal place....doesn't stop the disappointment from creeping in though.