I made it through yesterday, the due date of our precious little angel baby.  This month I've kept myself so busy I almost forgot what was missing.  Both my brother and this little miracle.  But I got hit with a big wave of grief on Friday and just felt every fiber of myself crying out in despair.  I know that sounds like a line from a novel or movie but I don't really know any other way to describe it.  I kept myself busy and distracted all month and it caught up to me.  This child we lost was going to be our joy in a time of sadness.  A gift in a hard time.  Now it's too empty places in my heart. (For you new readers who haven't started at the beginning: It will be 3 years on October 31st that I lost my youngest brother to whom I was really close
 to suicide).  But I know God's plans are higher than my own and as excited as I am to be where I am right now in our adoption process and as much as I know we are most definitely on the right path I know that it doesn't take away your grief or disappointment.  A loss of a baby will forever be on your mind.

But we are moving forward in love, in loss, in grief and in joy.  I will pursue those kids that God has out there waiting for me with as much gusto and passion as we did getting pregnant.

That being said tomorrow is our safety check and then we enter our very last waiting period before the matching process.  We are so excited to be at this place.  While we don't know what things will look like for us or how it will pan out we do know that His ways are so much higher than our own.  We will not be looking at others for input on who we bring into our family apart from there social workers but we will  continue to ask for prayers.

Tomorrow afternoon I will actually be flying out with little man to my family to spend the anniversary of this loss with loved ones.  It will be a time of memory laughter and love.  I am so looking forward to it.

As we get closer and closer to the end of the hoops we have to jump through(Understandable hoops I want to add) it is beginning to hit us that we will soon have our kid/kids with us forever.  Our family of 3 could become a family of 4,5 or even 6!  Neither Isaac nor I feel scared about this process but rather more determined than anything.  We do know when we get to the point we will be meeting the children we will have a much different attitude.  I know that in general is going to be awkward for everyone.

I feel so bad for these kids who constantly feel like they are required to be on their best behavior.  Who have to try to prove themselves worthy to be adopted.  I really wish I could just take them all and love them all.  I do know though that whoever comes to join our family will be perfect for us.  The missing piece of our puzzle so to speak. 

This past Tuesday we sat in front of our social worker to talk about our marriage and how things brought us here to where we are in our relationship. I have to say I could see how this topic and the questions asked could end up bringing up a lot of things you didn’t even realize was hidden in your relationship. During this process Isaac and I just realized once again after 11 years together how perfect we really are for each other and how through the years, all the hardships: Lack of work, Financial strain, Health issues, Infertility, Miscarriages, Being laid off, Job changes, Loss of loved ones....you name it. But through it all we have fallen more in love with each other. We have focused on each others strengths and making each other stronger. I was actually so proud of us and the way we were able to answer the questions in 100% honesty without fear of offending each other or making each other mad.

Going on this unknown and new adventure is going to be both scary and exciting. We are going to have our ups and our downs but we will go through it all and become even closer. I feel beyond blessed to have this man by my side.

That being said we were told today that we will begin the matching process sometime in January. Between now and then they will be writing up our home study profile: This is what the children’s social workers will read on us to give them not only their first impressions of us but also an idea into who we are and how we would match up with their kids we want to pursue. With this information they are able to have a general idea on if they are willing to let us pursue the children under their care. They try to make the profiles as accurate as possible in order to allow them to really get the full scope on who we are as a couple and How we work together as a family unit. (Hence the very delving questions)

The earliest we will most likely have our new family members in home with us will probably be sometime between February-April area(there really is no way to tell for sure). For now we will continue to cherish every minute we have as a family of 3 while excitedly awaiting the new members to come.

Thank you for following us on this journey and praying with us as our family extends and grows.

I have noticed I keep feeling like I need to justify my feelings.  I need to make my feelings seem a certain way so that if anything where to happen such as:
A) We get pregnant
B) We get placed with a baby
C) We decide never to get pregnant again

I feel like I need to set myself up a certain way so that if people find out my story they will feel like Oh well she's really okay with this.  Oh Well I guess this is why etc;  But truth be told I'm coming to realize I have absolutely no reason to feel like I need to justify myself to anyone.   If one day I wake up and feel like I am willing to let myself even try to be pregnant again than so be it.  But until that day comes there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling and admitting I am not at a place I could handle that anymore.  There is nothing wrong with admitting that I have a hard time even picturing myself with a newborn anymore.

I know that God's ways are so much higher than my own and I know that if somehow somewhere down the line something happens where I end up taking in someone else's baby or having our own then I will know and be reminded of the true miracle that babies are.  But even more than that my  circumstances have shown me how much children, all children of any age, race, etc are a miracle.  They want and need to be loved and to feel wanted.

Our adoption agency recently just shared this video of some of the older children awaiting permanent homes.  They want so badly for some one to give them a shot.  Isaac and I have realized in this process that the more we get into it the older we feel willing to go.  Now being we are both only in our 30s it is hard to picture taking on a 17-21 year old but we are willing to go higher up then we originally thought we would.

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Today 10/6/2017 we had our very first home study with our social worker for adoption. I can't believe we are finally here! We knew we liked our social worker before but today we liked her even more and it was just confirmation that we are in the right place. One thing she said that really stuck out without being prompted was that she knows we have a young son at home so that anytime she begins looking for a match with us that she will start with Ezekiel. That he will take priority above everything else in: Will Ezekiel be safe with this child/children? Will they be a good sibling to him? Can they fit into a dynamic of having a younger sibling etc. Regardless of our feelings if there are any signs or reasons that there might be a red flag in regards to this she will say no. This put our minds at ease as we really know that this is exactly what our hearts themselves were demonstrating.

How are things looking for the future and timing? Admittedly we have no idea about our time frame on when we will have our new family member(s). Out of 300+ kids we were able to narrow it down to around 25/30 that we feel might be a good fit for our family. Our social worker armed with the information she will get as we continue on with the home studies (psychological, emotional and physical assessments on your life, relationship, past, parenting, marriage, home etc;) she will be able to tell more what we will be good at parenting and what kids will click right into our family. She will also be able to tell what trauma or behavioral areas we might be better at helping kids through. That being said I feel like I should share it again: Our children's backgrounds will be theirs. As much as we love our friends and will need support we will also be respecting the background of our kids and only sharing what we feel is appropriate to others. We ask that you respect this.

Once our home studies are complete and matches are made we will meet with social workers of the children who will also interview us and decide if we are a good match for their kids. If they feel we are(depending on the age of the child) they will get a chance to read our family profile the social worker will talk to them about us and if they feel like they want to meet us(or if the social worker feels we are a good fit) then Isaac and I (without Ezekiel) will meet the kids one on one as many times as needed to find out if we all fit together. During these visits they talk to the kids after to find out if they feel as well they would like to be with us or not. The frequency and amount of these one on one visits will vary with every child as will permanent placement timing.

What would we like prayer for?

~Continued prayer that our children are kept safe and able to continue to heal even now before they come to join our family.

~ Prayers and wisdom for the social workers as they begin this matching process and home study assessments for us.

~That we will continue to enjoy the journey. So far we have just been cherishing every moment we can as a family of 3 as that changes and do not want to rush into everything. We have so much peace about the current time frame that everything has been on and just want to continue to remain on that time frame.

This week we will begin our home studies and be one step closer to bringing our children home.  I did realize something however as we begin talking and imagining who will be placed with us.  We both are completely open to any age up when it comes down to it.  It is such an exciting part of this whole program.  A huge step towards our final goal.

This also though opened my eyes once again (I feel like I'm saying that a lot) that if by some chance they called and said they had a placement for us with an infant included we would very seriously consider it.  This in itself shows me it isn't that I don't want a newborn or baby or child of a certain age it is more that I don't trust my body to get myself to that point. 

It's so hard not to think about every one of those kids that could be joining your family and wondering how things are going to be playing out.  Regardless of where we go it will end up being a huge change but one that is worth every second of it.