This wouldn't be a heart felt and honest journey to motherhood if I only wrote on the good days. Today was a very rough emotional day for me. I think it was just all piled up with emotions from Thanksgiving. Not being with my family and being the first holiday not being able to talk to my brother and wish him a Happy Thanksgiving. Back home in Louisiana my family got together for dinner and fellowship while I was up here in Pennsylvania without them. I still had Isaac and my sister in law for which I was very grateful. I still cooked the traditional Turkey for Thanksgiving dinner with some delicious sides but deep down inside I just feel broken. I wanted to badly to just pick up the phone and text Nathan and tell him Happy Thanksgiving and ask him what he is doing for the day. I think this Christmas is going to be really hard. I would always send him a gift card for a video game or Amazon every year for Christmas and his birthday and with both being around the corner it's going to be incredibly emotional. Now I know that everything is magnified by 1000% with my pregnancy hormones added to it too but man it is not easy.
At work today everyone was asking each other how their thanksgiving was, they were talking about how amazing it was to be with family, the funny things that took place all the while I listened with a smile but couldn't quite let it reach my heart or my eyes apparantly. Then people would ask if I was okay...If I didn't answer as satisfactory as they want they would say you just seem tired, or your so quite today ect; It's as if people forget just 28 days ago I lost one of my best friends and family members and I will not get him back for a very very very long time when God's ready to take me home too. Part of me wants to talk about it. The other part of me starts to break the moment I open my mouth. I sometimes want to run away into distraction, talking about my joys: the baby, Christmas presents I've found for others ect; I want things to get easier I just am not sure how.
I have realized though like I said in my last entry that family is the most important thing in the world to me. And I want to be at a place where I can see and be with them whenever I want. I know God will open that door for us one day. I just don't know when or exactly how.
So as of today-it was a bad day and draining both physically and emotionally.
I know I have so much to be thankful for but sometimes I just need to feel and let my feelings flow through to the outside as well and today was one of those days. Thankfully I have off tomorrow so we will go to Church and just rest in the presence of Jesus and just rest in general.
Saturday, November 29, 2014
Thursday, November 27, 2014
Happy Thanksgiving!
This past year has been a year full of hardships. We have gone through so much emotionally, spiritually and physically. But with all the crazy that has taken place this past year we have so much to be thankful for. In the past Year Isaac and I had hit 2 years and four months of trying to conceive and we now have our little miracle on the way. In this incredibly difficult journey we have grown so much closer. Isaac is my rock, my better half and I'm so thankful to have him in my life.
I'm grateful for my family I have realized just how much they mean to me and how much I love them(of course I knew this before but now it shows even more). God is so faithful. Despite how hard this holiday season will be with the loss of Nathan I know that I am so thankful for all that God has given to me. This holiday season won't be the same, but I'm determined to see the beauty in everything. Thank you Jesus for all you have given to me. Thank you for your peace and love. Help my family as we go through this holiday season.
Happy Thanksgiving Readers!
I'm grateful for my family I have realized just how much they mean to me and how much I love them(of course I knew this before but now it shows even more). God is so faithful. Despite how hard this holiday season will be with the loss of Nathan I know that I am so thankful for all that God has given to me. This holiday season won't be the same, but I'm determined to see the beauty in everything. Thank you Jesus for all you have given to me. Thank you for your peace and love. Help my family as we go through this holiday season.
Happy Thanksgiving Readers!
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
10 weeks
I am 10 weeks and one day today. This makes me so incredibly happy and just gives me huge relief. Though I feel like I'll never feel "out of the woods" so to speak but I just have so much peace and excitement! I know that God has some great things in store.
Thankfully my morning sickness has lessened a LOT and I'm only feeling nauseous every couple days and when it hits it's not nearly as bad as it was. I have to say I feel like I suddenly popped out and way earlier than I would expect. Thankfully I've only gained 2 pounds from where I started (doesn't make much sense figuring how I am already in maternity pants but hey I'll take it).
I know it would be really early for this but I swear I think I'm starting to feel the baby move. Not constantly just every once in a rare second every few days I'll get this little splurt/bubbly/fluttery feeling up against my uterus on the inside. The first few times it happened I thought it was just gas. But then each time after that it would always feel exactly the same(where as gas tends to move around and feel a little different and last a little longer than a split second) It feels kind of like the little jumps/crazy moves the little one was making when we viewed it on the ultrasound. The best way for me to describe it would be taking three fingers and quickly just tapping them down one after the other in quickness but feeling almost like if your underwater and you blow out air bubbles through a straw and put your hand over it what the air bubbles feel like hitting your hand. That's why I was thinking it was gas but It will come so fast and just be gone within a blink. Either way baby or not it makes me smile and reminds me of the most amazing gift that God has blessed us with.
That being said I really do feel so incredibly blessed. Despite everything I have been through to get here, how hard the actual here has been and currently is I am just beyond blessed. God is fundamentally amazing beyond my comprehension. He gives good gifts to his children and I'm so happy to be here. I have to say that with how long the journey took I definitely think we are enjoying the preparation stage to the fullest possibility. We aren't stressed about what it's going to cost to have a baby, get the nursery together or even after.....we know that God got us this far He won't bail out now.
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. James 1:17
God is faithful, who has called you into fellowship with his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord. 1Corinthians 1:9
For those of you readers out there still waiting for your gift. God has not forgotten you. God see's your cries and He is faithful to answer them:
Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you entirely; and may your spirit and soul and body be preserved complete, without blame at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. Faithful is He who calls you, and He also will bring it to pass. 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24
Even if it isn't happening in the timing that you want it to. Just hold on. I can't tell you the how many times I felt like I was loosing it all. I just knew I couldn't handle another month. I was so done. I was so broken. But that seems to be where we need to be to be remade. He remade me. I found out I was stronger than I ever knew that I was. He showed me just how strong I could be, though I would never wish this on anyone. And I pray to God I will never have to go through it again myself, I know that He is faithful and through the darkness He brought a beautiful light. Its like song lyrics: "Out of the ashes beauty will rise"
“A broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise” (Psalm 51:17).
No matter where you are with things just be honest with Him. He already knows He just wants to hear you say it.
That being said here is a picture of my 10 week "blotation" Its a bloat bump not baby but I'll take it and treasure it either way.
Thankfully my morning sickness has lessened a LOT and I'm only feeling nauseous every couple days and when it hits it's not nearly as bad as it was. I have to say I feel like I suddenly popped out and way earlier than I would expect. Thankfully I've only gained 2 pounds from where I started (doesn't make much sense figuring how I am already in maternity pants but hey I'll take it).
I know it would be really early for this but I swear I think I'm starting to feel the baby move. Not constantly just every once in a rare second every few days I'll get this little splurt/bubbly/fluttery feeling up against my uterus on the inside. The first few times it happened I thought it was just gas. But then each time after that it would always feel exactly the same(where as gas tends to move around and feel a little different and last a little longer than a split second) It feels kind of like the little jumps/crazy moves the little one was making when we viewed it on the ultrasound. The best way for me to describe it would be taking three fingers and quickly just tapping them down one after the other in quickness but feeling almost like if your underwater and you blow out air bubbles through a straw and put your hand over it what the air bubbles feel like hitting your hand. That's why I was thinking it was gas but It will come so fast and just be gone within a blink. Either way baby or not it makes me smile and reminds me of the most amazing gift that God has blessed us with.
That being said I really do feel so incredibly blessed. Despite everything I have been through to get here, how hard the actual here has been and currently is I am just beyond blessed. God is fundamentally amazing beyond my comprehension. He gives good gifts to his children and I'm so happy to be here. I have to say that with how long the journey took I definitely think we are enjoying the preparation stage to the fullest possibility. We aren't stressed about what it's going to cost to have a baby, get the nursery together or even after.....we know that God got us this far He won't bail out now.
Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. James 1:17
God is faithful, who has called you into fellowship with his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord. 1Corinthians 1:9
For those of you readers out there still waiting for your gift. God has not forgotten you. God see's your cries and He is faithful to answer them:
Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you entirely; and may your spirit and soul and body be preserved complete, without blame at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. Faithful is He who calls you, and He also will bring it to pass. 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24
Even if it isn't happening in the timing that you want it to. Just hold on. I can't tell you the how many times I felt like I was loosing it all. I just knew I couldn't handle another month. I was so done. I was so broken. But that seems to be where we need to be to be remade. He remade me. I found out I was stronger than I ever knew that I was. He showed me just how strong I could be, though I would never wish this on anyone. And I pray to God I will never have to go through it again myself, I know that He is faithful and through the darkness He brought a beautiful light. Its like song lyrics: "Out of the ashes beauty will rise"
“A broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise” (Psalm 51:17).
No matter where you are with things just be honest with Him. He already knows He just wants to hear you say it.
That being said here is a picture of my 10 week "blotation" Its a bloat bump not baby but I'll take it and treasure it either way.
Saturday, November 22, 2014
Feeling Better
Last night I got my first good night of sleep since my brother past away 3 weeks ago. I still woke up in the middle of the night for a few hours but the fact that I got more than 4 hours of sleep was pretty amazing.
As to the bleeding, thankfully it has stopped that same day(this past Thursday) after 10 minutes and all I had was light spotting for the rest of the evening now things are back to normal with nothing. I'm hoping/praying that that bleeding was my sch getting smaller- the blood that she saw on the ultrasound was standing blood and she said that if it didn't heal and get absorbed it was going to come out. So hopefully it's all gone and now can heal up.
Today was also a good day in the realm of morning sickness. I didn't feel nauseous at all today, which was amazing and made work so easy. I was also able to eat all day throughout the day without feeling like I was going to throw up after.
Emotionally I feel so much better than I did the other day. I know God has his hand on this pregnancy and despite all the hardships and frustrations that are taking place will just make holding our precious baby that much more special. I know that God isn't letting this baby go anywhere.
My next appointment is in three weeks and I'll get to hear the heartbeat. I'm so excited I can't wait to hear that beautiful little beating.
Things are not however going very well today in the regards to my brother's passing. Today has been a very tough emotional day where I've started to cry more times than I can count. Just the thought of him makes me so sad. It's hard for me to look at pictures where before I found it a comfort. As soon as I see his face, no matter what age I just break down. I know this wont last but its so very hard. I miss him so much I don't even have words to describe it.
As to the bleeding, thankfully it has stopped that same day(this past Thursday) after 10 minutes and all I had was light spotting for the rest of the evening now things are back to normal with nothing. I'm hoping/praying that that bleeding was my sch getting smaller- the blood that she saw on the ultrasound was standing blood and she said that if it didn't heal and get absorbed it was going to come out. So hopefully it's all gone and now can heal up.
Today was also a good day in the realm of morning sickness. I didn't feel nauseous at all today, which was amazing and made work so easy. I was also able to eat all day throughout the day without feeling like I was going to throw up after.
Emotionally I feel so much better than I did the other day. I know God has his hand on this pregnancy and despite all the hardships and frustrations that are taking place will just make holding our precious baby that much more special. I know that God isn't letting this baby go anywhere.
My next appointment is in three weeks and I'll get to hear the heartbeat. I'm so excited I can't wait to hear that beautiful little beating.
Things are not however going very well today in the regards to my brother's passing. Today has been a very tough emotional day where I've started to cry more times than I can count. Just the thought of him makes me so sad. It's hard for me to look at pictures where before I found it a comfort. As soon as I see his face, no matter what age I just break down. I know this wont last but its so very hard. I miss him so much I don't even have words to describe it.
Nathan I love you and I miss you. You were so special and made such an
impact on so many lives. We don't know how to continue living a "normal"
life without you. I don't know if there is such a thing as normal anyway. I wish I
had just five more minutes with you. I would give anything to be able to say I love you one
time. But I can't. But I know you know. I know you watch us from the stars as you travel the
universe experiencing and exploring all those things your wondered about and wanted to see.
We love you Nathan, always will.
Friday, November 21, 2014
Not what I expected
I have to say when we finally got pregnant I pictured a beautiful wholesome completely enjoyable time. I know that God is in full control of everything that is happening is not out of his hands.
But when we finally got pregnant I never thought I would keep hitting the 25 % of women get.....
1- 25% of women get implantation bleeding....I had that, really heavy actually.
2-25% of women carry Strep B throughout their life- Yep got that covered
3-25% of women get Subchorionic Hemorrhages(SCH)-well we know thats there
I had a miniature breakdown yesterday. The midwife had said they recommend pelvic rest(aka no sex) when you have the SCH's so that you don't bleed because sex can cause more bleeding. I asked if it was dangerous to the baby to have sex, could make the sch worse or knock anything loose...she said no to all but that you will probably bleed after so they just say not to.
But going back to how my last appointment was when I was with the midwife this last time she saw the baby and then she showed me the sch and we could see that it was still full of blood and she told me most likely if it doesn't heal I can expect to bleed possibly at different times throughout my pregnancy. That clots are okay that only time I need to be concerned is if its continues heavy bleeding(filling a pad and hour) and I start passing clots the size of a golf ball.
So Isaac and I haven't had sex since before we went down to Louisiana for my brother's funeral...so now we are getting close to a month(a little over three weeks) and though Isaac hasn't said a word I just feel like as a wife I'm not meeting his needs. So I decided I want to try last night...yeah maybe not even two minutes in I started bleeding and made the whole thing stop. I bled really heavy for 10 minutes full of clots and craziness. I know its just the sch and I know the baby is fine but still this just makes me feel so emotional. How can I not meet my husbands needs. I feel sick, my morning sickness is getting worse every day and I just feel worn down, I'm only sleeping a few hours every night, I wake up after a few hours wide awake and normally don't fall asleep for quite a while. He is of course being incredibly supportive and says he doesn't care...and I love him for it.
After the bleeding had started I just wanted to call the midwives just in case even though I knew what it was and what it is....they told me if I want to come in this morning for another ultrasound to just put my mind at ease they could try and squeeze me in but I decided against it. I know what it was, its exactly what they told me would happen. And my poor baby is only 9 weeks and has already had 6 ultrasounds so I feel like I just want to give the poor little thing time to grow without being peeked on for a few weeks. My next midwife appointment is in 3 weeks and when I go in I'll ask for at least hearing the heartbeat while we are there if not an ultrasound to see how big the sch is.
But when we finally got pregnant I never thought I would keep hitting the 25 % of women get.....
1- 25% of women get implantation bleeding....I had that, really heavy actually.
2-25% of women carry Strep B throughout their life- Yep got that covered
3-25% of women get Subchorionic Hemorrhages(SCH)-well we know thats there
I had a miniature breakdown yesterday. The midwife had said they recommend pelvic rest(aka no sex) when you have the SCH's so that you don't bleed because sex can cause more bleeding. I asked if it was dangerous to the baby to have sex, could make the sch worse or knock anything loose...she said no to all but that you will probably bleed after so they just say not to.
But going back to how my last appointment was when I was with the midwife this last time she saw the baby and then she showed me the sch and we could see that it was still full of blood and she told me most likely if it doesn't heal I can expect to bleed possibly at different times throughout my pregnancy. That clots are okay that only time I need to be concerned is if its continues heavy bleeding(filling a pad and hour) and I start passing clots the size of a golf ball.
So Isaac and I haven't had sex since before we went down to Louisiana for my brother's funeral...so now we are getting close to a month(a little over three weeks) and though Isaac hasn't said a word I just feel like as a wife I'm not meeting his needs. So I decided I want to try last night...yeah maybe not even two minutes in I started bleeding and made the whole thing stop. I bled really heavy for 10 minutes full of clots and craziness. I know its just the sch and I know the baby is fine but still this just makes me feel so emotional. How can I not meet my husbands needs. I feel sick, my morning sickness is getting worse every day and I just feel worn down, I'm only sleeping a few hours every night, I wake up after a few hours wide awake and normally don't fall asleep for quite a while. He is of course being incredibly supportive and says he doesn't care...and I love him for it.
After the bleeding had started I just wanted to call the midwives just in case even though I knew what it was and what it is....they told me if I want to come in this morning for another ultrasound to just put my mind at ease they could try and squeeze me in but I decided against it. I know what it was, its exactly what they told me would happen. And my poor baby is only 9 weeks and has already had 6 ultrasounds so I feel like I just want to give the poor little thing time to grow without being peeked on for a few weeks. My next midwife appointment is in 3 weeks and when I go in I'll ask for at least hearing the heartbeat while we are there if not an ultrasound to see how big the sch is.
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
Great Midwife Follow up visit
I wanted to do a quick update:
I went to the midwife today for a follow up on my hemorrhage and it was such a good visit. She decided to do another ultrasound just to see things for herself and to put my mind at ease, well in her words everything looks perfect! And I got to see the baby moving!!! It was kicking up a storm! I have never seen anything so amazing! I'm already so in love!
She could see where the hemorrhage was, she said that most likely I'll bleed more, maybe even throughout my pregnancy, since once you have one it can get irritated if it doesn't completely go away. I asked her if I need to be concerned about anything that I do making it worse: working, sex, ect; She said the only thing I have to watch is Running or high intensity exercise. Other than that no not at all. And I haven't run since after I ovulated so that won't be an issue. Its good to know that it can't be made worse by anything I do.
I went to the midwife today for a follow up on my hemorrhage and it was such a good visit. She decided to do another ultrasound just to see things for herself and to put my mind at ease, well in her words everything looks perfect! And I got to see the baby moving!!! It was kicking up a storm! I have never seen anything so amazing! I'm already so in love!
She could see where the hemorrhage was, she said that most likely I'll bleed more, maybe even throughout my pregnancy, since once you have one it can get irritated if it doesn't completely go away. I asked her if I need to be concerned about anything that I do making it worse: working, sex, ect; She said the only thing I have to watch is Running or high intensity exercise. Other than that no not at all. And I haven't run since after I ovulated so that won't be an issue. Its good to know that it can't be made worse by anything I do.
All the wrong things people say
With all the stress that has been taking place with the death of my brother, the hemorrhage I had with the pregnancy and just plain old being pregnant with this I have developed a list of all the things people have said to me that really they shouldn't:
1. I just worry about you with the baby and all this stress-its been two weeks, as hard and as emotional as it has been it's not getting harder its getting easier.
2. You gotta try and stay calm for the sake of the baby you have to think about now-Oh really? I completely forgot I was pregnant. Thank you for informing me I am not allowed to grieve or feel my feelings since I am already pounded through with extra hormones that make me super emotional either way.
3. Don't tell stories of your friends who miscarried!
4. Don't assume it was an easy journey for the person who is pregnant
The list goes on but here is a story with the next one:
I go to the endochrinologist today and the nurse who is checking blood preasure getting my info and such says: Oh your pregnant how exciting. How far along are you? I told her 9 weeks she said oh thats super early you still have a long way to go. I told her well it took us fertility treatments to get here so I'm just so excited to be here no matter how early it is. Oh how long where you trying for? Almost 2 and a half years and working with the specialist since February. She said Oh I'm not telling you this to discourage you but a friend of mine did invitro and everything looked good but then once she went in for her 14 week appointment the heart had just stopped beating. My heart hurt so bad for her.
I just stared at her dumbfounded.....REALLY- your not telling me this to discourage me, you know I just went through fertility treatments to get where I'm at so lets go ahead and tell me how your friend miscarried even after everything looked good. Really?
Yeah so that is what brought on this post. I know she really was just trying to make a connection and act like she understood how emotional that can be but that was the wrong way to do it.
So in about an hour I'll be heading out to go to my midwife appointment. I'm not sure that it's going to entail much since I haven't had any more bleeding since our last er visit when baby was just growing away.
I have to say since being home my morning sickness has been worse but I think part of that is the colder weather(its been snowing here the past couple days) and the amount of drainage/allergies I've been having.
Yesterday was my first day back at work and it was actually really good to be back. I missed the doing what I love and the distraction will be nice. I did cry twice though, once when a client asked where I was and if everything was okay because she had appointments scheduled when I was gone and I see that in the future as well with all the clients that had to reschedule.
Okay I think that is enough ranting for the day.
1. I just worry about you with the baby and all this stress-its been two weeks, as hard and as emotional as it has been it's not getting harder its getting easier.
2. You gotta try and stay calm for the sake of the baby you have to think about now-Oh really? I completely forgot I was pregnant. Thank you for informing me I am not allowed to grieve or feel my feelings since I am already pounded through with extra hormones that make me super emotional either way.
3. Don't tell stories of your friends who miscarried!
4. Don't assume it was an easy journey for the person who is pregnant
The list goes on but here is a story with the next one:
I go to the endochrinologist today and the nurse who is checking blood preasure getting my info and such says: Oh your pregnant how exciting. How far along are you? I told her 9 weeks she said oh thats super early you still have a long way to go. I told her well it took us fertility treatments to get here so I'm just so excited to be here no matter how early it is. Oh how long where you trying for? Almost 2 and a half years and working with the specialist since February. She said Oh I'm not telling you this to discourage you but a friend of mine did invitro and everything looked good but then once she went in for her 14 week appointment the heart had just stopped beating. My heart hurt so bad for her.
I just stared at her dumbfounded.....REALLY- your not telling me this to discourage me, you know I just went through fertility treatments to get where I'm at so lets go ahead and tell me how your friend miscarried even after everything looked good. Really?
Yeah so that is what brought on this post. I know she really was just trying to make a connection and act like she understood how emotional that can be but that was the wrong way to do it.
So in about an hour I'll be heading out to go to my midwife appointment. I'm not sure that it's going to entail much since I haven't had any more bleeding since our last er visit when baby was just growing away.
I have to say since being home my morning sickness has been worse but I think part of that is the colder weather(its been snowing here the past couple days) and the amount of drainage/allergies I've been having.
Yesterday was my first day back at work and it was actually really good to be back. I missed the doing what I love and the distraction will be nice. I did cry twice though, once when a client asked where I was and if everything was okay because she had appointments scheduled when I was gone and I see that in the future as well with all the clients that had to reschedule.
Okay I think that is enough ranting for the day.
Saturday, November 15, 2014
Home Again
It feels so good to be home again and getting somewhat back into a routine. I loved seeing my family but I think getting back to work and focusing on the baby will help me move forward.
That being said thankfully no more bleeding at all since Tuesday just a lot of thick white cervical mucus so I'm taking that as a good sign. Isaac and I had the day off together today and we will have the day off together tomorrow. Then we both head back to work on Monday.
How am I doing? Well honestly that depends on the topic. We started talking about baby themes for the nursery and love the ideas: For a boy Calvin and Hobbes theme and I'll paint a mural kind of like this:
Maybe done a little different. And if it's a girl I think I want to do a Alice in Wonderland theme. Though Isaac isn't 100% sold yet but he likes the idea it would just depend on execution. But I'd like to have it with all the strange wonderful creatures that live within. Haven't found anything picture wise I really like but I'd paint a mixture of different creatures:
I think at this point I'm at a place where when I talk about this stuff I'm great. I can almost hold it mostly together. But I can feel the emotions still waring within me. Don't think I'm holding it in, I've cried more than I've ever cried in my life. I don't think I have many more tears to be able to cry. But I literally feel like a piece of me is missing. I don't know that that will ever go away honestly. I think it will get easier. But I don't know that it will ever disappear, to be honest I don't know that I'd want it too, he means too much to me for it to go away.
I think getting back to work will be really good. It will be hard don't get me wrong but so good at the same time. I think I may just go ahead and start letting my clients know that I am expecting since I will be 9 weeks on Monday. And it will give us something happy to talk about.
Wow that seems so close to the second trimester....but yet even once I hit that second trimester I don't know that I will ever feel out of the woods. Isaac and I both know that God has his hand on this little angel and that baby isn't going anywhere. But until I'm holding that beautiful little angel in my arms I will always have those what ifs popping into my mind, I just won't give them any justification to continue to play around in my mind. For if God is for me who or what can be against me.
That being said thankfully no more bleeding at all since Tuesday just a lot of thick white cervical mucus so I'm taking that as a good sign. Isaac and I had the day off together today and we will have the day off together tomorrow. Then we both head back to work on Monday.
How am I doing? Well honestly that depends on the topic. We started talking about baby themes for the nursery and love the ideas: For a boy Calvin and Hobbes theme and I'll paint a mural kind of like this:
Maybe done a little different. And if it's a girl I think I want to do a Alice in Wonderland theme. Though Isaac isn't 100% sold yet but he likes the idea it would just depend on execution. But I'd like to have it with all the strange wonderful creatures that live within. Haven't found anything picture wise I really like but I'd paint a mixture of different creatures:
I think at this point I'm at a place where when I talk about this stuff I'm great. I can almost hold it mostly together. But I can feel the emotions still waring within me. Don't think I'm holding it in, I've cried more than I've ever cried in my life. I don't think I have many more tears to be able to cry. But I literally feel like a piece of me is missing. I don't know that that will ever go away honestly. I think it will get easier. But I don't know that it will ever disappear, to be honest I don't know that I'd want it too, he means too much to me for it to go away.
I think getting back to work will be really good. It will be hard don't get me wrong but so good at the same time. I think I may just go ahead and start letting my clients know that I am expecting since I will be 9 weeks on Monday. And it will give us something happy to talk about.
Wow that seems so close to the second trimester....but yet even once I hit that second trimester I don't know that I will ever feel out of the woods. Isaac and I both know that God has his hand on this little angel and that baby isn't going anywhere. But until I'm holding that beautiful little angel in my arms I will always have those what ifs popping into my mind, I just won't give them any justification to continue to play around in my mind. For if God is for me who or what can be against me.
The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them. Psalm 34:7
He will love you and bless you and increase your numbers. He will bless
the fruit of your womb, the crops of your land--your grain, new wine and
olive oil--the calves of your herds and the lambs of your flocks in the
land he swore to your ancestors to give you.
Deuteronomy 7:13
Deuteronomy 7:13
This is what the LORD says-- he who made you, who formed you in the
womb, and who will help you: Do not be afraid, Jacob, my servant,
Jeshurun, whom I have chosen.
Isaiah 44:2
Isaiah 44:2
My sister bought me the book: Supernatural Childbirth by Jackie Mize and it has a lot of positive confirmations in there along with prayers to profess over yourself every day. A reminder of His truths of conceiving and giving birth to a healthy strong and whole baby.
Today though the passage that really spoke to me was Psalm 40:
I waited patiently for the Lord;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
2He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
3He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the Lord
and put their trust in him.
4Blessed is the one
who trusts in the Lord,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods.b
5Many, Lord my God,
are the wonders you have done,
the things you planned for us.
None can compare with you;
were I to speak and tell of your deeds,
they would be too many to declare.
6Sacrifice and offering you did not desire—
but my ears you have openedc
—
burnt offerings and sin offeringsd
you did not require.
7Then I said, “Here I am, I have come—
it is written about me in the scroll.e
8I desire to do your will, my God;
your law is within my heart.”
9I proclaim your saving acts in the great assembly;
I do not seal my lips, Lord,
as you know.
10I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;
I speak of your faithfulness and your saving help.
I do not conceal your love and your faithfulness
from the great assembly.
11Do not withhold your mercy from me, Lord;
may your love and faithfulness always protect me.
12For troubles without number surround me;
my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
and my heart fails within me.
13Be pleased to save me, Lord;
come quickly, Lord, to help me.
14May all who want to take my life
be put to shame and confusion;
may all who desire my ruin
be turned back in disgrace.
15May those who say to me, “Aha! Aha!”
be appalled at their own shame.
16But may all who seek you
rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who long for your saving help always say,
“The Lord is great!”
17But as for me, I am poor and needy;
may the Lord think of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
you are my God, do not delay.
Wednesday, November 12, 2014
Back to the ER
Yesterday we ended up back in the ER due to me having more bleeding. Only this time it was even heavier. It seemed as if someone had turned on a faucet and it began to pour out along with clots(some bigger than a silver dollar). It was so incredibly scary.
Thankfully though this visit to the ER was much better than last time. The Dr actually knew what she was doing. Immediately took a Beta to see if it was higher than on Sunday(it was) then sent me to ultrasound. The ultrasound tech had trouble getting some pictures she needed. But in the end:long story made short mainly because I don't really want to relive the nightmare. Everything ended up working out. Baby is just as strong, maybe even stronger, as last time with a heart beat now of 169 beats per minute. They said everything looks the same.
I asked then what is this? Should I wait to come in next time, I don't even have this many clots on my period. The nurse who I asked this question said that she works at two different hospitals and she had a young girl who had the same thing happen to her. That she ended up coming in and out of the er for a few weeks.
I talked to someone else who had this same thing and they said they also bled like crazy didn't for a day bled like crazy then didn't for a day then had a third day of heavy bleeding then didn't for a day. So I guess what I'll do next time is wait an hour and see what happens. If the bleeding continues then I will decide where I should go from there if it stops I'll call my midwives let them know and then decide on a course of action.
With everything going on in our lives right now this little baby is our source of joy. But even this has started to become something that would be so easy to panic on. I have peace. Even when sitting in the ER yesterday I had peace knowing that God is in control. But man was this scary. I don't understand how I could be bleeding that much and have nothing be different. But they said if the blood doesn't get absorbed back into the body then the body will flush it out. Oh I so hope its done with its flushing.
Today is going to be a day of fun but also taking it easy. We are going to go on a Louisiana swamp tour with my Dad to feed alligators and let Isaac get a good look at the Louisiana swamps. So I'll be sitting most of the day sitting and resting.
Thankfully though this visit to the ER was much better than last time. The Dr actually knew what she was doing. Immediately took a Beta to see if it was higher than on Sunday(it was) then sent me to ultrasound. The ultrasound tech had trouble getting some pictures she needed. But in the end:long story made short mainly because I don't really want to relive the nightmare. Everything ended up working out. Baby is just as strong, maybe even stronger, as last time with a heart beat now of 169 beats per minute. They said everything looks the same.
I asked then what is this? Should I wait to come in next time, I don't even have this many clots on my period. The nurse who I asked this question said that she works at two different hospitals and she had a young girl who had the same thing happen to her. That she ended up coming in and out of the er for a few weeks.
I talked to someone else who had this same thing and they said they also bled like crazy didn't for a day bled like crazy then didn't for a day then had a third day of heavy bleeding then didn't for a day. So I guess what I'll do next time is wait an hour and see what happens. If the bleeding continues then I will decide where I should go from there if it stops I'll call my midwives let them know and then decide on a course of action.
With everything going on in our lives right now this little baby is our source of joy. But even this has started to become something that would be so easy to panic on. I have peace. Even when sitting in the ER yesterday I had peace knowing that God is in control. But man was this scary. I don't understand how I could be bleeding that much and have nothing be different. But they said if the blood doesn't get absorbed back into the body then the body will flush it out. Oh I so hope its done with its flushing.
Today is going to be a day of fun but also taking it easy. We are going to go on a Louisiana swamp tour with my Dad to feed alligators and let Isaac get a good look at the Louisiana swamps. So I'll be sitting most of the day sitting and resting.
Sunday, November 9, 2014
Nightmare at the ER
I woke up at 6 am to take my progesterone only to discover heavy bleeding with some clots. So my husband and I rushed to the ER.
What a HORRIBLE experience.
So here is how things went down the Dr came in talked with me about what the problem was I told her...but as soon as I said fertility treatments to get pregnant she freaked out: Well this could be ectopic and if it is I wouldn't know what to do because I don't deal with this stuff...blah blah blah(yes this is the er dr)
So then they come in to get labs...they are calling me by the wrong name..So then we have to wait for them to redo all our paperwork/bloodwork ect; We were the only ones in the er when I got there how could you make that mistake(they had my middle name as my name)
So they give me an iv to pump up my bladder so I can do a ultrasound and a urine analysis. Well I get down to the ultrasound tech and ask her what she sees: I'm not allowed to say anything. You can't tell me anything? Well there is a flutter so the heart is beating. Okay can you tell me how fast its beating? I haven't gotten that far. Then silence for about 15 min. I start to tear up.....I'm so nervous she isn't telling me anything. So then she tells me the heartbeat is 162 bpm fetus is measuring 7 weeks 4 days. But she can't tell me anything else.
So then I get back to my room the Dr comes in and wants to do a vaginal exam she tells me to lay back she puts a bedpan under my let then proceeds to clamp the speculum DIRECTLY onto my cervix and says I can't find your cervix. I cried out in pain as she pinched me again!...yes it hurt so bad! So then she says okay lets scoot the bedpan back see if that works better. I said. How about you have me scoot to the edge of the bed and try it that way instead. She said okay yeah lets try that. Really?!! So it worked she saw bleeding and some tissue well no duh when she pinched my cervix I had stopped bleeding their was blood on the speculum when she pulled it back out she literally had to have done something in there.
So then after that she says okay I'll be back in just a few minutes I'm going to go look at your ultrasounds. An hour and a half later(at least) she finally walks back in. Says everything is closed in my uterus, my cervix is closed. She doesn't know what the bleeding is from.
So I got a script for the uti went to cvs was talking to my Mom on the phone and the pharmacist heard our conversation I hang up go to get my meds he says your not pregnant are you? Yes I am. You can't take this medication while pregnant. What do you mean I was just in the hospital they gave this to me while I was there. Oh well let me look it up....Okay yeah you can take it only when your 38-42 weeks you can't take it cause it effects fetus'. What do you mean? I have a fetus! So I decided to call my midwife on call and tell them everything and while I was waiting for her to call me back I read through the ultrasound report and I read the report(I made them print me all the reports so I can fax them to my midwife in PA) it says I have a subchorionic hemorrhage....well um that would cause bleeding. Why did the Dr not say that!!! It's small thankfully 1.9x1.4 cm against the gestational sac. So the midwife called back and said they are pretty common. She wasn't going to lie If they get too big they can cause misscarriages but since mine is so small and my bleeding has already stopped I shouldn't be concerned. I'll go back in to them next week and have another ultrasound done in order to see if it grew and go forward from there. Also the UTI medication is safe...but, apparently and I didn't know this I was supposed to use some kind of alcoholic wipe to wipe before I peed into the cup and I didn't they just handed me a pack said here pee in this so I opened it and peed...I'm wondering if I don't really have a uti...either way I'm going to take the medication because it is safe for the fetus and says it can be used to prevent uti's also.
So after 6 hours with the ER dr and nurses a 15 minute conversation with the midwife gave me more info than I thought possible
So here is how things went down the Dr came in talked with me about what the problem was I told her...but as soon as I said fertility treatments to get pregnant she freaked out: Well this could be ectopic and if it is I wouldn't know what to do because I don't deal with this stuff...blah blah blah(yes this is the er dr)
So then they come in to get labs...they are calling me by the wrong name..So then we have to wait for them to redo all our paperwork/bloodwork ect; We were the only ones in the er when I got there how could you make that mistake(they had my middle name as my name)
So they give me an iv to pump up my bladder so I can do a ultrasound and a urine analysis. Well I get down to the ultrasound tech and ask her what she sees: I'm not allowed to say anything. You can't tell me anything? Well there is a flutter so the heart is beating. Okay can you tell me how fast its beating? I haven't gotten that far. Then silence for about 15 min. I start to tear up.....I'm so nervous she isn't telling me anything. So then she tells me the heartbeat is 162 bpm fetus is measuring 7 weeks 4 days. But she can't tell me anything else.
So then I get back to my room the Dr comes in and wants to do a vaginal exam she tells me to lay back she puts a bedpan under my let then proceeds to clamp the speculum DIRECTLY onto my cervix and says I can't find your cervix. I cried out in pain as she pinched me again!...yes it hurt so bad! So then she says okay lets scoot the bedpan back see if that works better. I said. How about you have me scoot to the edge of the bed and try it that way instead. She said okay yeah lets try that. Really?!! So it worked she saw bleeding and some tissue well no duh when she pinched my cervix I had stopped bleeding their was blood on the speculum when she pulled it back out she literally had to have done something in there.
So then after that she says okay I'll be back in just a few minutes I'm going to go look at your ultrasounds. An hour and a half later(at least) she finally walks back in. Says everything is closed in my uterus, my cervix is closed. She doesn't know what the bleeding is from.
So I got a script for the uti went to cvs was talking to my Mom on the phone and the pharmacist heard our conversation I hang up go to get my meds he says your not pregnant are you? Yes I am. You can't take this medication while pregnant. What do you mean I was just in the hospital they gave this to me while I was there. Oh well let me look it up....Okay yeah you can take it only when your 38-42 weeks you can't take it cause it effects fetus'. What do you mean? I have a fetus! So I decided to call my midwife on call and tell them everything and while I was waiting for her to call me back I read through the ultrasound report and I read the report(I made them print me all the reports so I can fax them to my midwife in PA) it says I have a subchorionic hemorrhage....well um that would cause bleeding. Why did the Dr not say that!!! It's small thankfully 1.9x1.4 cm against the gestational sac. So the midwife called back and said they are pretty common. She wasn't going to lie If they get too big they can cause misscarriages but since mine is so small and my bleeding has already stopped I shouldn't be concerned. I'll go back in to them next week and have another ultrasound done in order to see if it grew and go forward from there. Also the UTI medication is safe...but, apparently and I didn't know this I was supposed to use some kind of alcoholic wipe to wipe before I peed into the cup and I didn't they just handed me a pack said here pee in this so I opened it and peed...I'm wondering if I don't really have a uti...either way I'm going to take the medication because it is safe for the fetus and says it can be used to prevent uti's also.
So after 6 hours with the ER dr and nurses a 15 minute conversation with the midwife gave me more info than I thought possible
Saturday, November 8, 2014
Saying Goodbye
Today was a very emotional day. I was supposed to say goodbye to my little brother. I don't really have a lot of words to say except that I wasn't ready to let him go. I know he is in a better place...but it still hurts so much.
Here is the video we shared at the memorial service:
Life will never be the same. But I will do everything in my power to honor everything he asked of us:
Here is the video we shared at the memorial service:
Life will never be the same. But I will do everything in my power to honor everything he asked of us:
Things I should remember
and never forget:
- 1.Love, Laugh & Learn
- 2.People are the only things that really matter in this world.
- 3.The more you learn, the more you teach.
- 4.The more you give, the more you are given.
- 5.The more you love, the more you will be loved.
- 6.Souls are real.
- 7.Healthy mind, healthy body, and healthy heart.
- 8.Cherish every moment, the good and the bad.
- 9.Everything happens for a reason.
- 10.I was put on this Earth to help people.
Nathan Kenneth Browne
January 13, 2014
This page contains
instructions on what to do upon my death upon my death. To any reader
of this, please make sure these are done.
I want to cremated and
have my ashes spread at these places:
Mount Fuji
Mount Mckinely
The Smokies
Mount Everest
Leave no ashes to mourn
for and upon my death rejoice for me. In death I am forever at
peace. So remember me, but do not cry for me. Hopefully by the time
I die, I would have lived a meaningful life that can be an example
for others to follow. And to my loved ones and everyone else;
continue living your lives and make you decisions based on whatever
your heart tells you.
Nathan Kenneth Browne
April 10, 2011
"I love you, Whoever you are reading this, love your life. It's
worth it. Keep trying to believe in yourself. If others attack you,
it's because you have something they don't have. Don't let them take it
from you with their pettiness, their scowl & negative intent
because you never know what it is to walk in the eyes of another. Keep
your eyes open and who knows what you'll discover, the treasures you'll
uncover."
~~Nathan Kenneth Browne~~ His last journal entry
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
Our little blob is getting bigger
I also had my first appointment with the midwives today and that was really homey feeling and exactly what I was looking for. The gave me a lot of information to go over from medications that can be taken to birth plans. I really liked the way everything worked together.
I have to say before we got pregnant I knew we would have a boy for the first child. But now that I'm pregnant I feel that shifting. I don't know what we are having. If it's a girl that's so promising because it means we will have another one, but if its a boy then I already got what God promised me so many years ago. So either way I am so excited and thrilled.
Tomorrow we fly down to Louisiana for my brother's memorial service. I'm ready. Today I've been okay I think because of the fact I has so much to do and focus on with the baby, getting things together to leave, ect;
It will be so much better when I'm with my family. I will try to enjoy every minute of it, despite the circumstances because I know that is what my brother would have wanted. I miss him so much and know one day I will see him again.
Monday, November 3, 2014
Flying Home
Thursday I will be flying home to be with my family for a week. During this time we will have a memorial service to honor how much we love Nathan. This has been incredibly emotionally exhausting. Just when I feel like I'm going to be okay suddenly I burst into tears. I can't believe I will never hear his voice again. I will never be able to tell him how much I love him.
My parents have been in Colorado collecting his things, speaking to the coroner, ect; They should be heading back to Louisiana soon. They found a letter Nathan wrote back in 2011 that I want to share:
Even thinking of death he thought of others. He thought of the pain it might cause and how he wanted no one to be sad for him being gone. I don't think that's possible though. When you love someone that much I don't know if it's possible to not feel hurt and pain.
He will always be in our hearts. Always
My parents have been in Colorado collecting his things, speaking to the coroner, ect; They should be heading back to Louisiana soon. They found a letter Nathan wrote back in 2011 that I want to share:
He will always be in our hearts. Always
Sunday, November 2, 2014
So much Grief
My heart feels broken into a million different pieces. I got the news yesterday that my youngest brother who I am very closed to committed suicide. We had just talked via text earlier that day. I had sent him a picture of the ultrasound and told him we got to hear the heartbeat. He said that's amazing Devin! I'm so happy for you. I said thank you and his last text to me was: Its nothing Devin. I love you so much I'm so happy God chose you to be my sister, thank you.
But we had been getting other group texts from the siblings with his responses through the day too. Since it was Halloween people were going to parties he was laughing at some of the costume ideas. It just doesn't make any sense. There is an investigation taking place to see if it is possible it was foul play. Especially from the way he was found. None of it makes any sense. If it was suicide the only thing I can think of is maybe he took some kind of drug and started hallucinating and tripped out or something. Anything to make this make sense.
Part of me prays that he was on something because this just wasn't my brother. Not the way they found him. He had struggled with depression and suicidal tendencies in the past. But this..... never anything this brutal or violent.
I just do not even have words. I can't stop myself from crying and aching and hurting all over. All I want to do is go back two days ago when he was alive and happy and well.
I don't think I'll ever understand. But from you readers I'm asking for prayers: prayers of strength for me and my child. Prayers for my family as we grieve the loss of one we loved so dearly.
But we had been getting other group texts from the siblings with his responses through the day too. Since it was Halloween people were going to parties he was laughing at some of the costume ideas. It just doesn't make any sense. There is an investigation taking place to see if it is possible it was foul play. Especially from the way he was found. None of it makes any sense. If it was suicide the only thing I can think of is maybe he took some kind of drug and started hallucinating and tripped out or something. Anything to make this make sense.
Part of me prays that he was on something because this just wasn't my brother. Not the way they found him. He had struggled with depression and suicidal tendencies in the past. But this..... never anything this brutal or violent.
I just do not even have words. I can't stop myself from crying and aching and hurting all over. All I want to do is go back two days ago when he was alive and happy and well.
I don't think I'll ever understand. But from you readers I'm asking for prayers: prayers of strength for me and my child. Prayers for my family as we grieve the loss of one we loved so dearly.
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