I always heard of the amazing bond between a mother and her child. But now I feel I am beginning to experience what that really is. I talk to him even as he's in the womb. I'm already so in love and am so excited to be able to see him in the not too distant future. Less than 4 months to go! It's just so exciting.
This morning I woke up and started getting some stuff I needed to get done for the day such as dishes, bills, cooking ect; Then I realized I hadn't felt Ezekiel move yet this morning. Which is pretty rare normally he will begin kicking me as soon as I sit down at the table for breakfast. So I began rubbing my belly and carried a conversation on with my little man. I told him it was time to wake up. That I missed his movements and wanted to know that he is okay. As I was speaking to him I was moving my hands around on my belly just trying to gently wake him up. I continued to talk to him and just pour my love into him. Well in just a matter of minutes he gives me a little kick. And I just had to smile. It was as if he was like its okay Mom I'm here but not ready to wake up yet. But then within a few minutes he started his regular beautiful amazing movements.
I am so very much in love with my little guy. Just the other day I began thinking back on where we used to be. I remember the emptiness and loss I felt. I remember the jealousy and hurt and just feel so incredibly blessed.
In just a few months we will be holding our precious baby boy in our arms! I am just so excited and so ready. The thought of labor doesn't scare me, it excites me. Each contraction will just be a step closer to my beautiful little boy! We are so ready. We are so blessed.
Thank you God for hearing our prayers! Thank you for hearing everything that we have asked and cried out for. I didn't understand the timing....and the wait. And to be honest even still I do not but I know you see the big picture and you see how well it will work out for us. We commit everything to you. Every penny, every day everything. Thank you for entrusting us with the most important gift in the world. Thank you!
Friday, February 27, 2015
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
School Loan Frustration
We FINALLY heard about the school loans for Isaac but what they said made no
sense. They said we do not qualify for lower payments or lower interest
rate since we have never been behind on our payments there is no proof
showing we are under financial hardship....despite sending in the proof
of his lay off my pay stub ect; They told us now if we default then
we can resubmit everything and they will review it again and then we
might be able to qualify for a lower interest rate....so let me get this
straight. You want us to NOT pay you, ruin our credit, accrue late fees
before you will even consider lowering our interest. So we started
looking around for places to be able to consolidate the loans with other
companies. I
wrote a pretty detailed letter under Isaacs name to every single
customer service line I could find complaining about everything and
letting them know we plan to consolidate with a different company due to
this...if we aren't approved yet because of the fact he's unemployed
that is the FIRST thing we will do as soon as he gets a new job. As
long as we make a payment every month for them it won't default so it
wont effect our credit, but it's so incredibly aggravating and unprofessional. I can't believe they aren't even willing to work with us on this.
Other than that things are going wonderfully. Neither of us are stressed about this and we are blessed we can still pay all our bills and necessities without an issue, it just limits trying to put money aside for my maternity leave since we will be taking money out of savings for that unless Isaac gets something for that. I still haven't gotten my medicaid stuff yet and I have a Dr appointment on Monday but the hospital said they can bill back since once it comes in it will be approved for March 1st.
I woke up a few minutes early today and was able to just put on worship music and start my day correctly by spending some time in prayer and it was so amazing. I am still trying to just take things every day one day at a time and not let the negativity build up.
I have to say I love life now even with how frustrating things are. I love feeling my little guy move every day. I love my job, my co workers and look around and realize how incredibly blessed we are.
I was very blessed my Dad bought us the dresser for the nursery for my Birthday this month! So now we have everything we need and its all done. I am just so excited! Once that gets in there I will take a few more pictures for you.
Isaac took a 23 week full body picture of me today...though I guess technically 23 week 3 day
Other than that things are going wonderfully. Neither of us are stressed about this and we are blessed we can still pay all our bills and necessities without an issue, it just limits trying to put money aside for my maternity leave since we will be taking money out of savings for that unless Isaac gets something for that. I still haven't gotten my medicaid stuff yet and I have a Dr appointment on Monday but the hospital said they can bill back since once it comes in it will be approved for March 1st.
I woke up a few minutes early today and was able to just put on worship music and start my day correctly by spending some time in prayer and it was so amazing. I am still trying to just take things every day one day at a time and not let the negativity build up.
I have to say I love life now even with how frustrating things are. I love feeling my little guy move every day. I love my job, my co workers and look around and realize how incredibly blessed we are.
I was very blessed my Dad bought us the dresser for the nursery for my Birthday this month! So now we have everything we need and its all done. I am just so excited! Once that gets in there I will take a few more pictures for you.
Isaac took a 23 week full body picture of me today...though I guess technically 23 week 3 day
I would like to add I made BBQ chicken legs for dinner and it was amazing!! This is the first chicken dish Ive cooked that I'll was able to eat! So good. Also I forgot to add I had another really creepy vivid dream last night:
It was that the milk ducts in my
breasts were actually little holes in my breasts. Like where the areolas
are and the nipple is it looked just like a sponge and I started
leaking milk out! It was so gross. So I woke up and was
like Oh my Gosh whats wrong with my breasts and had to do a double take to
realize it was just a dream. Then of course breathed a huge sigh of relief.
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
Met my Midwives and Hospital Tour
Today Isaac and I both woke up under the weather. He had some major hay fever, sneezing, watery eyes drainage ect; While I couldn't put my finger on exactly what was wrong but my stomach hurt and I just all together felt not very good. Isaac took some benadryl and went back to bed I got up ate food then decided to go back to bed too. So then neither of us got up till a little after 1 pm this afternoon. But I think we both needed it.
Tonight we had our meet the midwives meeting where we got to ask questions, hear about the practice and then tour the hospital, birthing center and postpartum rooms. It was absolutely amazing. I came up with a ton of really good information and it made me so excited to be able to have a midwife and to be able to have my wants and desires listened too. Some of the things we found out where:
~There are 30 birthing rooms and each patient gets their own room which includes their own private bathroom, couch, ect; the baby never leaves the room and is always with you. And each room has access to a birthing bar and a birthing ball.
~There are 9 midwives and 1 Nurse Practitioner they all take turns being on call. There is always one on call for labor at a time and one who goes around the postpartum who is also available for delivery if there are more than two women in labor at once.
~Each midwife does a 12 hour shift so most of the time you will have the same midwife unless your labor progresses really slowly then you may have two different ones.
~When you are in active labor you are only every asked not to walk around and sit still once every hour for 15 min while they monitor the baby and make sure everything is still going well with them. But if that is too uncomfortable they do have ways to try and make it so that you are able to still move around. Even with IV antibiotics
~With a vaginal delivery you are in the hospital for 2 nights following unless there are complications.
~They believe in delayed cord clamping(unless their is a medical reason for clamping quickly) And they want you to immediately have skin to skin contact and try to get the baby to latch on and breast feed immediately or at least within the first hour.
~Even if during labor something happens and you are forced to be moved to obgyn unit or high risk the midwives will still come with you and try and make sure your desired birth plan is done as much as possible.
~The postpartum rooms-they try to move you two within two hours the baby also NEVER leaves the room without your permission, all babies have a bassinet that they stay in their with you and they are all private rooms as well.
Everything was just so amazing and so wonderful and made me so excited to be able to be there. It's going to be wonderful.
Today I had a little freak out/stress moment when once again for the second day in a row Isaac's school loan people had a 2 hour wait time to talk to someone and then they still don't call you back when you are supposed to. Well for some reason I am assuming from accrued interest the monthly payments we owe went up by $100 a month for 2015...well we are already not going to be able to afford the previous amount now, and we still can't get in touch with anyone. It's so annoying! That's Isaac's only goal tomorrow to try and finally get in touch with them and not take no for an answer. Every time we talk to them they keep saying it's still under review. We turned in all these papers for review three weeks ago. It's so annoying. But I realize that no matter what, I need to try and stay positive. Isaac is already stressing enough as it is about the future, the baby, and not working or having any interviews yet that I need to watch my tongue and not allow any of the bad come out even if my hormones are fighting to come out. So that is going to be my goal every day to stay positive and be as supportive for him as I can despite how stressed I might feel.
So that being said everything turned out really well today we are really excited and I feel so much better about everything. Not that I was super nervous to begin with but still. We are ready.
Tonight we had our meet the midwives meeting where we got to ask questions, hear about the practice and then tour the hospital, birthing center and postpartum rooms. It was absolutely amazing. I came up with a ton of really good information and it made me so excited to be able to have a midwife and to be able to have my wants and desires listened too. Some of the things we found out where:
~There are 30 birthing rooms and each patient gets their own room which includes their own private bathroom, couch, ect; the baby never leaves the room and is always with you. And each room has access to a birthing bar and a birthing ball.
~There are 9 midwives and 1 Nurse Practitioner they all take turns being on call. There is always one on call for labor at a time and one who goes around the postpartum who is also available for delivery if there are more than two women in labor at once.
~Each midwife does a 12 hour shift so most of the time you will have the same midwife unless your labor progresses really slowly then you may have two different ones.
~When you are in active labor you are only every asked not to walk around and sit still once every hour for 15 min while they monitor the baby and make sure everything is still going well with them. But if that is too uncomfortable they do have ways to try and make it so that you are able to still move around. Even with IV antibiotics
~With a vaginal delivery you are in the hospital for 2 nights following unless there are complications.
~They believe in delayed cord clamping(unless their is a medical reason for clamping quickly) And they want you to immediately have skin to skin contact and try to get the baby to latch on and breast feed immediately or at least within the first hour.
~Even if during labor something happens and you are forced to be moved to obgyn unit or high risk the midwives will still come with you and try and make sure your desired birth plan is done as much as possible.
~The postpartum rooms-they try to move you two within two hours the baby also NEVER leaves the room without your permission, all babies have a bassinet that they stay in their with you and they are all private rooms as well.
Everything was just so amazing and so wonderful and made me so excited to be able to be there. It's going to be wonderful.
Today I had a little freak out/stress moment when once again for the second day in a row Isaac's school loan people had a 2 hour wait time to talk to someone and then they still don't call you back when you are supposed to. Well for some reason I am assuming from accrued interest the monthly payments we owe went up by $100 a month for 2015...well we are already not going to be able to afford the previous amount now, and we still can't get in touch with anyone. It's so annoying! That's Isaac's only goal tomorrow to try and finally get in touch with them and not take no for an answer. Every time we talk to them they keep saying it's still under review. We turned in all these papers for review three weeks ago. It's so annoying. But I realize that no matter what, I need to try and stay positive. Isaac is already stressing enough as it is about the future, the baby, and not working or having any interviews yet that I need to watch my tongue and not allow any of the bad come out even if my hormones are fighting to come out. So that is going to be my goal every day to stay positive and be as supportive for him as I can despite how stressed I might feel.
So that being said everything turned out really well today we are really excited and I feel so much better about everything. Not that I was super nervous to begin with but still. We are ready.
Monday, February 23, 2015
One More Week To Viability!
Today I hit 23 weeks. And little man has not stopped moving all day. And of course I love it. Forgive the messy look today...I was running around all morning with Dr appointments, picking up prescriptions ect;
Speaking of Dr appointments I had my endocrinologist appointment today. Two weeks ago I had my labs drawn and was supposed to have an appointment with them last week but I ended up having to reschedule due to Isaac's lay off/insurance stuff I didn't know if it would be covered to the end of the month. So I had called last week to find out if I needed to change my thyroid medication dosage since I had never heard from the Dr. I was told no your labs are normal she will talk with you next week when you come in. So okay no problem. Well I go in today to find that my labs were not normal, my thyroid tsh jumped again from 1.9 to 3.11 so she is increasing my dosage again till after the baby comes. Then once the baby comes she immediately wants me to go down to my the first dosage I was on and then get labs drawn 6 weeks post pardom to figure out what I should be on after the baby comes.
She said it wasn't a big deal that my medication wasn't increased right away since the baby now has his own thyroid but I was still a little annoyed...not at her but at whoever gave me the info without talking with the Dr and just assuming I was good. But it's done it's over. I had noticed lately I was getting dizzy spells again and just feeling a little foggy. I wondered if it was my thyroid again but when they said I was fine I assumed maybe then it was just me being pregnant after all. But now it makes a little more sense.
This was my last visit with her though since she will be moving to Philly in a few weeks. She almost cried in the office today when I asked her how preparations for moving are going. She said she never expected this she thought they would be able to settle here in Pittsburgh and got all teary eyed and choked up. I just wanted to hug her. But she put me with another Dr and I was told that she is a really good one so I'm happy about that.
Next week I will officially be at viability for this pregnancy! I am so excited! I feel like its the next milestone for me. I also can't believe in just a month I'll be in my final trimester! Wow that just seems amazing! In three weeks(when I hit 26 weeks) I'm to begin my daily regimen of hypnobabies to start preparing myself for meditative labor. I've decided I'll be doing that in the nursery with the door closed and just relaxing in the rocking chair.
Things are really coming together for everything. We have most everything for the nursery that we want to get before the shower. All we need left is the dresser and a lamp. Today I decided to go ahead and put the bedding unwashed on the crib set just to see what it would look like and let my cats get acclimated with having something there so that once I do wash it they will leave it alone without being so crazy curious.
Here is the bedding we have, its neutral and nothing too crazy and I think will go well with the Calvin and Hobbes theme of everything. Those are the Calvin and Hobbes pillow cases I bought laying on the inside of the crib.
Emotionally I feel SO much better. I actually feel like that is an understatement. I needed that alone time so much. I also know I need to figure out a way to make it a priority from here on out. Even if that means I will just have to wake up 30 minutes earlier and lock myself away in the nursery. I already feel it is starting to become my sanctuary.
She said it wasn't a big deal that my medication wasn't increased right away since the baby now has his own thyroid but I was still a little annoyed...not at her but at whoever gave me the info without talking with the Dr and just assuming I was good. But it's done it's over. I had noticed lately I was getting dizzy spells again and just feeling a little foggy. I wondered if it was my thyroid again but when they said I was fine I assumed maybe then it was just me being pregnant after all. But now it makes a little more sense.
This was my last visit with her though since she will be moving to Philly in a few weeks. She almost cried in the office today when I asked her how preparations for moving are going. She said she never expected this she thought they would be able to settle here in Pittsburgh and got all teary eyed and choked up. I just wanted to hug her. But she put me with another Dr and I was told that she is a really good one so I'm happy about that.
Next week I will officially be at viability for this pregnancy! I am so excited! I feel like its the next milestone for me. I also can't believe in just a month I'll be in my final trimester! Wow that just seems amazing! In three weeks(when I hit 26 weeks) I'm to begin my daily regimen of hypnobabies to start preparing myself for meditative labor. I've decided I'll be doing that in the nursery with the door closed and just relaxing in the rocking chair.
Things are really coming together for everything. We have most everything for the nursery that we want to get before the shower. All we need left is the dresser and a lamp. Today I decided to go ahead and put the bedding unwashed on the crib set just to see what it would look like and let my cats get acclimated with having something there so that once I do wash it they will leave it alone without being so crazy curious.
Here is the bedding we have, its neutral and nothing too crazy and I think will go well with the Calvin and Hobbes theme of everything. Those are the Calvin and Hobbes pillow cases I bought laying on the inside of the crib.
Emotionally I feel SO much better. I actually feel like that is an understatement. I needed that alone time so much. I also know I need to figure out a way to make it a priority from here on out. Even if that means I will just have to wake up 30 minutes earlier and lock myself away in the nursery. I already feel it is starting to become my sanctuary.
Sunday, February 22, 2015
My Own Emptiness
Warning this post is probably going to not be as fluid as some as I just let my thoughts pour out:
This morning I woke up and started getting ready for Church and realized what I really need is the house to myself, worship music and some deep alone time with my King. I need to open myself up and let all the ugly out. So I asked Isaac if he would mind leaving the house for an hour or two so I could have some alone time to just put on worship music and be truly refreshed. To heal myself a little and to just to take myself away from everything on my own.
Lately I've just been pouring out into everyone else and not feeling like I was getting filled myself in any way what so ever. I've had my own grief that has for some reason become very strong lately when it hits with Nathan being gone. Then the worry for my siblings and my parents who are also suffering from the same grief. For two of my brother's who are suffering from severe depression right now. One of whom confided in me that he has to fight every day to keep on living and has been in the past and is still suffering from suicidal thoughts and temptations. He had told me he see's the world as complete darkness unless he is on his medication, but even then there are days he wants nature to take over and my heart breaks for him. Even if we don't talk all the time or constantly he is always on my mind. Then the other brother who suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, depression and more who just told me last night that him and his wife whom I love so much have separated this week. It's so much and so sad. I try to encourage everyone in any way that I can. But I have to be honest sometimes all I want to do is crawl under a rock and tell people to go away. I want to be free of the burden of others.
I sometimes wonder if this is what God ever feels like. Does his heart break anew every day at some one else's suffering? I can only imagine He desires some days for us to just stop with the petitions and just praise him in the storm. To proclaim His goodness and His mercy and grace even when we can't possibly see it. To do it through faith alone because we KNOW it to be true even if we can't see how. I know to some of you that makes no sense. How can their even be a loving God when there is just so much brokenness out there. But there is. And we have been the ones to create that brokenness. Not Him.
So Isaac has left the house and I'm here to listen to worship music and just attempting to zone out. Let myself be refreshed. It's almost like I don't even know how to start again. How do I get refreshed? How do I allow myself to be poured into? Part of me just wants to constantly break down and cry lately. But not right now. It's like suddenly now that I am alone I don't know what to do. With all the issues that I am hearing about some times I want to just cry and scream yet other times I want to shout from the mountain tops that we will overcome this! That this will not beat me. It will not beat my family. I won't let it.
But right now I feel like the fight is gone. I just want to be refreshed.
I am still not concerned with our provision or Isaac not hearing back from anyone yet. It's only been a few weeks and I know that God is going to guide us in the right direction.
So for now I'm going to log off, go play my worship music and really just let myself be refreshed. To let my empty tank be filled so I can continue to be a blessing to others. And I can continue to move forward in a Christ like way.
This morning I woke up and started getting ready for Church and realized what I really need is the house to myself, worship music and some deep alone time with my King. I need to open myself up and let all the ugly out. So I asked Isaac if he would mind leaving the house for an hour or two so I could have some alone time to just put on worship music and be truly refreshed. To heal myself a little and to just to take myself away from everything on my own.
Lately I've just been pouring out into everyone else and not feeling like I was getting filled myself in any way what so ever. I've had my own grief that has for some reason become very strong lately when it hits with Nathan being gone. Then the worry for my siblings and my parents who are also suffering from the same grief. For two of my brother's who are suffering from severe depression right now. One of whom confided in me that he has to fight every day to keep on living and has been in the past and is still suffering from suicidal thoughts and temptations. He had told me he see's the world as complete darkness unless he is on his medication, but even then there are days he wants nature to take over and my heart breaks for him. Even if we don't talk all the time or constantly he is always on my mind. Then the other brother who suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, depression and more who just told me last night that him and his wife whom I love so much have separated this week. It's so much and so sad. I try to encourage everyone in any way that I can. But I have to be honest sometimes all I want to do is crawl under a rock and tell people to go away. I want to be free of the burden of others.
I sometimes wonder if this is what God ever feels like. Does his heart break anew every day at some one else's suffering? I can only imagine He desires some days for us to just stop with the petitions and just praise him in the storm. To proclaim His goodness and His mercy and grace even when we can't possibly see it. To do it through faith alone because we KNOW it to be true even if we can't see how. I know to some of you that makes no sense. How can their even be a loving God when there is just so much brokenness out there. But there is. And we have been the ones to create that brokenness. Not Him.
So Isaac has left the house and I'm here to listen to worship music and just attempting to zone out. Let myself be refreshed. It's almost like I don't even know how to start again. How do I get refreshed? How do I allow myself to be poured into? Part of me just wants to constantly break down and cry lately. But not right now. It's like suddenly now that I am alone I don't know what to do. With all the issues that I am hearing about some times I want to just cry and scream yet other times I want to shout from the mountain tops that we will overcome this! That this will not beat me. It will not beat my family. I won't let it.
But right now I feel like the fight is gone. I just want to be refreshed.
I am still not concerned with our provision or Isaac not hearing back from anyone yet. It's only been a few weeks and I know that God is going to guide us in the right direction.
So for now I'm going to log off, go play my worship music and really just let myself be refreshed. To let my empty tank be filled so I can continue to be a blessing to others. And I can continue to move forward in a Christ like way.
Friday, February 20, 2015
Braxton Hicks
Tonight I experienced my first set of continuous braxton hicks. I have had one or two here and there in the past week but I had about an hour with them going on a continuously every few minutes tonight while I was at work. It wasn't painful just really uncomfortable. I think in part because I had just eaten and was really full and having to walk around the salon made it even more uncomfortable. However, it kind of made me pray that labor pains will be like that. Since it wasn't so bad. But I know that's just wishful thinking.
I also decided this morning to take a plunge and color my hair. I've been thinking about it for a while and decided to scratch the itch. Since I'm not sure I'll have the time or energy to do it after the baby comes so figured do it up while I can. It might be a little hard to see from the pictures but I did a Platinum Silver on the top and just left the bottom with the multi pastel colors I still had.
We also got our rocking chair in today. It is soooo comfy! And apparently one of our kitties thinks so too.
It takes up a LOT of room. Made me realize how glad I am the dresser we picked out is smaller so it will all fit in nice and cozy.
On the job front for Isaac still no news. No new leads. We are still fighting/waiting to talk with the school loan people and they aren't in any hurry to give us an answer. So we wait. I still have a ton of peace and know that God is in control of every single aspect of our lives. Just taking it one day and one step at a time.
I have to say I feel like this week my stomach popped out even more. I'll share a picture on Monday when I take my 23 week photo.
I also decided this morning to take a plunge and color my hair. I've been thinking about it for a while and decided to scratch the itch. Since I'm not sure I'll have the time or energy to do it after the baby comes so figured do it up while I can. It might be a little hard to see from the pictures but I did a Platinum Silver on the top and just left the bottom with the multi pastel colors I still had.
We also got our rocking chair in today. It is soooo comfy! And apparently one of our kitties thinks so too.
On the job front for Isaac still no news. No new leads. We are still fighting/waiting to talk with the school loan people and they aren't in any hurry to give us an answer. So we wait. I still have a ton of peace and know that God is in control of every single aspect of our lives. Just taking it one day and one step at a time.
I have to say I feel like this week my stomach popped out even more. I'll share a picture on Monday when I take my 23 week photo.
Thursday, February 19, 2015
One Day At a Time
I'm so excited about the prospect of becoming a Mom. I have prayed for this for years and now it seems like it's just around the corner. I feel like part of that should scare me but I'm just so excited I'm not scared at all. I'm excited for the new adventure and to finally hold the most precious gift any two people can ever be given.
Ezekiel is an extremely active little guy. I feel him moving around all the time like crazy and making sure I know he is alive and well. I love every second of it. Every time he kicks my hand I have to laugh. The other night as I was laying on the couch he started following my hand and kicking wherever I put it. It was a fun little game and one that just made me laugh for joy. I feel so blessed to be able to experience this miracle. And that's exactly what it is. A beautiful amazing miracle.
I have not been sleeping very well though. Even with the pregnancy pillow my back kills me through the night. I wake up constantly with my sciatic nerve feeling pinched. Normally if I get up and walk around it will rectify itself pretty quickly but last night it did not! I woke up with a painful back and have been up several hours without it going away. So I took some Tylenol which thankfully has numbed the pain but hasn't quite taken it away. But I'll go through this every day if I have to in order to bring this little guy into the world. He is so worth it. It amazes me how much in love with him I already am. I know that he is the promise God gave us so long ago. I know we were praying for twins but now that I'm where I'm at I'm so blessed and grateful things have worked out how they have. Of course I can and probably will pray for twins in the future.
On Monday I will be 23 weeks but here is my 22 week photo we took this past Monday. So far I'm up about 6 pounds, which is kind of a relief that I'm gaining some weight, my Dr's were not concerned at all but still it's always in the back of my mind. But I do like the fact I didn't gain a crazy ton like I was expecting myself to. But here are the pictures:
I still have so much peace with our current situation. I know that God has a plan and a job out there for Isaac. How it will effect our future lives I have no idea but I know that whatever it does will be for the better. So far he hasn't really had any leads. He has had a few head hunters contact him and he has applied for 6/7 jobs so far. And every day he continues to look for more. So I know something will come up for us.
Until then I'll just have to continue to take it one day at a time.
Ezekiel is an extremely active little guy. I feel him moving around all the time like crazy and making sure I know he is alive and well. I love every second of it. Every time he kicks my hand I have to laugh. The other night as I was laying on the couch he started following my hand and kicking wherever I put it. It was a fun little game and one that just made me laugh for joy. I feel so blessed to be able to experience this miracle. And that's exactly what it is. A beautiful amazing miracle.
I have not been sleeping very well though. Even with the pregnancy pillow my back kills me through the night. I wake up constantly with my sciatic nerve feeling pinched. Normally if I get up and walk around it will rectify itself pretty quickly but last night it did not! I woke up with a painful back and have been up several hours without it going away. So I took some Tylenol which thankfully has numbed the pain but hasn't quite taken it away. But I'll go through this every day if I have to in order to bring this little guy into the world. He is so worth it. It amazes me how much in love with him I already am. I know that he is the promise God gave us so long ago. I know we were praying for twins but now that I'm where I'm at I'm so blessed and grateful things have worked out how they have. Of course I can and probably will pray for twins in the future.
On Monday I will be 23 weeks but here is my 22 week photo we took this past Monday. So far I'm up about 6 pounds, which is kind of a relief that I'm gaining some weight, my Dr's were not concerned at all but still it's always in the back of my mind. But I do like the fact I didn't gain a crazy ton like I was expecting myself to. But here are the pictures:
I still have so much peace with our current situation. I know that God has a plan and a job out there for Isaac. How it will effect our future lives I have no idea but I know that whatever it does will be for the better. So far he hasn't really had any leads. He has had a few head hunters contact him and he has applied for 6/7 jobs so far. And every day he continues to look for more. So I know something will come up for us.
Until then I'll just have to continue to take it one day at a time.
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
Sinking
I wish I could go back in time and see your face just one more time. I wish I could hear your voice talking to me and having a heart to heart conversation. I miss you so much little brother. Sometimes it feels like I'm dying on the inside. I know I have so much to look forward to and you said to love my life but in these dark moments you just have to wonder how.
Yesterday as emotions of everything hit me I felt like a sinking ship. I just couldn't keep my head above water anymore. This past year was incredibly hard for us. We dealt with infertility, treatments not working, a miscarriage. Then when we finally got this sticky little baby only a few weeks in and mere hours after talking to my little brother on the phone about it. He commits suicide. I then end up in the hospital only a few days later with severe bleeding and find out I have a subchorionic hemorrhage. Then almost 11 weeks later we find that it has finally cleared up and my restrictions are lifted. Baby is healthy and growing. It's a little boy. We are thrilled, beyond thrilled. And a few weeks later Isaac(my husband) looses his job. Part of me just looks back and wants to scream. I was praying and hoping for a smooth rest of the pregnancy. Just no stress, no worry just peace. Seems I don't get that wish.
Now it's a whole new set of worries and fears. What if Isaac gets a job RIGHT when it's time for the baby to come will his new bosses fight him on leaving work if/when I go into labor and he can't be there. What if He doesn't find something by then, will I be able to take the 12 weeks off and really enjoy it? Or will I stress the whole time about how things are going to work out once we get here. How will everything fall together?
I know in my heart of hearts that God is in control. I have peace deep down that I'm not sure where it is coming from. But I know it is all going to work out for the better. It's a stillness not being touched by the hardships and trials. Maybe it's from my previous faith since I know how in control God always is.
But I also just feel numb. This year has been so hard, I'm still dealing with all the emotions of loss and hurt and now this. But then I remembered something. I prayed and I prayed and I begged God to let me experience the miracle of pregnancy. And every little kick, every jump that I feel inside my womb is a blessing. A year ago I questioned if I would ever be able to experience this blessing. And now I do. And the timing is beautiful. It will help me get through Nathan's birthday in April. It will help me get through our old due date with our first pregnancy also in April.
Even though it never got past 5 weeks that was still our baby, that was still our loss. And I still felt so hopeless. It was still joy stolen.
God I can look at all the hardships and just scream. I can play a victim or I can be a conqueror. I want to be a conqueror. I just ask for favor for Isaac as he looks for work. That you would bring us where You want us to be. Help us to not doubt. To not waiver. To hold fast and strong. Slow and steady win the race. We praise you Lord. ~Amen.
Yesterday as emotions of everything hit me I felt like a sinking ship. I just couldn't keep my head above water anymore. This past year was incredibly hard for us. We dealt with infertility, treatments not working, a miscarriage. Then when we finally got this sticky little baby only a few weeks in and mere hours after talking to my little brother on the phone about it. He commits suicide. I then end up in the hospital only a few days later with severe bleeding and find out I have a subchorionic hemorrhage. Then almost 11 weeks later we find that it has finally cleared up and my restrictions are lifted. Baby is healthy and growing. It's a little boy. We are thrilled, beyond thrilled. And a few weeks later Isaac(my husband) looses his job. Part of me just looks back and wants to scream. I was praying and hoping for a smooth rest of the pregnancy. Just no stress, no worry just peace. Seems I don't get that wish.
Now it's a whole new set of worries and fears. What if Isaac gets a job RIGHT when it's time for the baby to come will his new bosses fight him on leaving work if/when I go into labor and he can't be there. What if He doesn't find something by then, will I be able to take the 12 weeks off and really enjoy it? Or will I stress the whole time about how things are going to work out once we get here. How will everything fall together?
I know in my heart of hearts that God is in control. I have peace deep down that I'm not sure where it is coming from. But I know it is all going to work out for the better. It's a stillness not being touched by the hardships and trials. Maybe it's from my previous faith since I know how in control God always is.
But I also just feel numb. This year has been so hard, I'm still dealing with all the emotions of loss and hurt and now this. But then I remembered something. I prayed and I prayed and I begged God to let me experience the miracle of pregnancy. And every little kick, every jump that I feel inside my womb is a blessing. A year ago I questioned if I would ever be able to experience this blessing. And now I do. And the timing is beautiful. It will help me get through Nathan's birthday in April. It will help me get through our old due date with our first pregnancy also in April.
Even though it never got past 5 weeks that was still our baby, that was still our loss. And I still felt so hopeless. It was still joy stolen.
God I can look at all the hardships and just scream. I can play a victim or I can be a conqueror. I want to be a conqueror. I just ask for favor for Isaac as he looks for work. That you would bring us where You want us to be. Help us to not doubt. To not waiver. To hold fast and strong. Slow and steady win the race. We praise you Lord. ~Amen.
Saturday, February 14, 2015
Pressed Down
Sometimes when the stack of things you have to do is so big it's hard to just take a moment and actually rest. I'm not talking about relaxing or catching your breathe. I'm talking about genuinely sitting back and just letting the presence of God refill you. I feel like in this past week it's been so hard for me to do that. Not just from the stress of Isaac getting laid off, to be honest I'm surprisingly not worried about that at all. But more just overwhelmed with stuff going on with my family and my own emotions with what they are dealing with along with Nathan no longer being here. I talked to my older brother who had a really rough week, then I talked to my Dad who is really struggling with the fact that Nathan is truly gone and will not be coming back. Then my Sister-in-law is going through some really hard times and I just wish there was something I could do for all of them....but I can't. I have nothing. All I can do is cry out to God. But I just feel pressed down. I had finally gotten the numbers of some of the counselors for me to go talk to but now with all of the stuff with loosing our insurance I don't even think its an option anymore. So I kind of feel like I have all my own emotions I'm carrying, along with the struggles and burdens of everyone I love. Part of it is the fact I'm an empathic person so I just suck in everyone's emotions if they open up to me, the other is the idea that my heart just so breaks for them. I wish I could take away the pain. I wish I could make it better. But at the same time my own grief feels so crippling I want to just sit in the dark and cry. I know things will get better. I know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. I just have to continue to press on. Continue to move forward. One day at a time.
Isaac got all his unemployment stuff in the mail yesterday so thankfully we will get that stuff together pretty fast. I got my Wic application but my midwives have to fill that out and I don't have an appointment with them until 3/2/15 so that's on hold for a little bit. Though I did email my midwives to find out if they could fill it out then send it to the office based on my last visit or if they need current proof of stuff. So we will see.
Right now I'm just trying to really rest. Take care of myself, Ezekiel and of course Isaac, though all he wants is to take care of us. Easier said than done that's for sure but we will make it through I know. I'll be 22 weeks on Monday. I feel like it is flying by so fast!
Isaac got all his unemployment stuff in the mail yesterday so thankfully we will get that stuff together pretty fast. I got my Wic application but my midwives have to fill that out and I don't have an appointment with them until 3/2/15 so that's on hold for a little bit. Though I did email my midwives to find out if they could fill it out then send it to the office based on my last visit or if they need current proof of stuff. So we will see.
Right now I'm just trying to really rest. Take care of myself, Ezekiel and of course Isaac, though all he wants is to take care of us. Easier said than done that's for sure but we will make it through I know. I'll be 22 weeks on Monday. I feel like it is flying by so fast!
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Feeling Numb
We found out today that the school loan deferment doesn't count for Isaac's loans that are privately owned(which is all of them apparently) So now we have to try and go through the collectors agency and see if we can work out a payment plan of some kind that we can actually afford. If not then we are just going to have to let them default. Which poor Isaac is really stressing out about. He hates not being in control, being a provider and giving us all we need/want.
One thing I'm realizing though is that this just proves that no matter how great tings are seeming they can always crumble. But I'm also reminded of Matthew 6: 25-34
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[e]?
28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
We are definitely finding the troubles of each day. But it seems to be pretty well balanced, the days I'm freaking out and upset Isaac does well and the days he is stressing I'm holding it together.
God looking at the big picture I can start freaking out so bad. But I know that you are so in control. You saw the big picture from the very beginning and opened the doors that needed opened and have provided for us miraculously from the very beginning. I pray you would help us to be good stewards over what we have and help us to be faithful with the little things.
On another note I know I should be so thankful and happy for help when it comes to medicaid for me and the baby and wic to help with some of the expenses but it kind of just makes me sad to have to be here. But I know that we will be happy to have every bit of help we can get.
I keep thinking back on how proud I was that I had the option to be a stay at home Mom if I wanted to be. It added so much relief to the thought of having a baby. But now knowing that currently it's not even a option unless something changes. I don't even know how I feel I think just kind of numb is the best description. Because I don't have any control over whats going on or what is happening I am just going through the motions trying to make things as easy a transition as possible for us. And trying to save us as much money as possible. I don't really feel scared or afraid, God has ALWAYS provided for us and He will this time too. So I just have to continue to take it one day at a time and know and pray that God is going to open the doors for Isaac and I.
One thing I'm realizing though is that this just proves that no matter how great tings are seeming they can always crumble. But I'm also reminded of Matthew 6: 25-34
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[e]?
28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
We are definitely finding the troubles of each day. But it seems to be pretty well balanced, the days I'm freaking out and upset Isaac does well and the days he is stressing I'm holding it together.
God looking at the big picture I can start freaking out so bad. But I know that you are so in control. You saw the big picture from the very beginning and opened the doors that needed opened and have provided for us miraculously from the very beginning. I pray you would help us to be good stewards over what we have and help us to be faithful with the little things.
On another note I know I should be so thankful and happy for help when it comes to medicaid for me and the baby and wic to help with some of the expenses but it kind of just makes me sad to have to be here. But I know that we will be happy to have every bit of help we can get.
I keep thinking back on how proud I was that I had the option to be a stay at home Mom if I wanted to be. It added so much relief to the thought of having a baby. But now knowing that currently it's not even a option unless something changes. I don't even know how I feel I think just kind of numb is the best description. Because I don't have any control over whats going on or what is happening I am just going through the motions trying to make things as easy a transition as possible for us. And trying to save us as much money as possible. I don't really feel scared or afraid, God has ALWAYS provided for us and He will this time too. So I just have to continue to take it one day at a time and know and pray that God is going to open the doors for Isaac and I.
Monday, February 9, 2015
Today just gave me a headache
So I woke up this morning and started off by calling my midwives/hospital to see if I will be able to stay with the same Dr's when it comes to the Medicaid. Praise God I was told yes! So thankful for that. Then I called the endocrinologist office to find out about staying with them and as long as I'm not put on a certain one it shouldn't be a problem. So for that I just have to wait and see.
Then I had the fun task of calling the PA medicaid office to file my official PA application where I was hung up on 2x and never called back. So finally on the third time I got a really nice lady, I explained to her that I have already tried to start this application with them 2xs this will be the 3rd time and please if we get hung up to call me back. She apologized and said it was definitely their phones and that if we got disconnected she would be able to help me out. So we go the application filled out then I had to provide proof of:
Hypothyroid/endocrinologist treatment
My Income
Proof of Pregnancy
Proof of all our school loans(5 in total)
and a few other things which ended up all together being 21 pages I faxed in. Thank goodness my neighbor has a fax machine she let me use. Now I'm just praying it went through. I'll give them till Friday then call and make sure they got the fax/info they needed.
So then Isaac called to make sure all the paperwork was correct for him with differing the school loans and needless to say the guy who he was speaking to was DEFINITELY not from the USA despite his name being John. And just couldn't wrap his mind around why Isaac was wanting to put his payments on hold despite having no income. Very different experience than the last person he talked to but we ended up getting it all worked out.
In other news I hit 21 weeks today. As exciting as it is to be a week closer to viability(24 weeks) I didn't really feel like I could celebrate anything their is just so much to do/get done. So I'm taking it one step at a time and one day at a time. I have to say little Ezekiel has been doing gymnastic in the womb today and it is incredible. No matter how rough things are currently he and Isaac can make me smile. That being said here is my 21 week photo
Then I had the fun task of calling the PA medicaid office to file my official PA application where I was hung up on 2x and never called back. So finally on the third time I got a really nice lady, I explained to her that I have already tried to start this application with them 2xs this will be the 3rd time and please if we get hung up to call me back. She apologized and said it was definitely their phones and that if we got disconnected she would be able to help me out. So we go the application filled out then I had to provide proof of:
Hypothyroid/endocrinologist treatment
My Income
Proof of Pregnancy
Proof of all our school loans(5 in total)
and a few other things which ended up all together being 21 pages I faxed in. Thank goodness my neighbor has a fax machine she let me use. Now I'm just praying it went through. I'll give them till Friday then call and make sure they got the fax/info they needed.
So then Isaac called to make sure all the paperwork was correct for him with differing the school loans and needless to say the guy who he was speaking to was DEFINITELY not from the USA despite his name being John. And just couldn't wrap his mind around why Isaac was wanting to put his payments on hold despite having no income. Very different experience than the last person he talked to but we ended up getting it all worked out.
In other news I hit 21 weeks today. As exciting as it is to be a week closer to viability(24 weeks) I didn't really feel like I could celebrate anything their is just so much to do/get done. So I'm taking it one step at a time and one day at a time. I have to say little Ezekiel has been doing gymnastic in the womb today and it is incredible. No matter how rough things are currently he and Isaac can make me smile. That being said here is my 21 week photo
Sunday, February 8, 2015
Calming Day
I felt really at peace today. I woke up had breakfast then just put on some worship music and knit while praying. It was really nice. I can't say that I'm completely calm because I still have my moments. And Isaac was a little more stressed today than he was the past two days, so of course I wanted to try and help him out. But all together today was a great day. I got to go to a friends baby shower and celebrate her upcoming baby. It turns out its at the same place we are having my baby shower. Then after that I came home and Isaac and I filled out all the paperwork we needed to in order to put his school loans on deferment. I still can't believe how much we pay in those every month.
Then I took some time and made the Calvin and Hobbes mobiles that I wanted to for the nursery. It was a lot of fun! I think it could have turned out a little better but its fun.
Then I took some time and made the Calvin and Hobbes mobiles that I wanted to for the nursery. It was a lot of fun! I think it could have turned out a little better but its fun.
Saturday, February 7, 2015
One Day at a Time
Last night I tossed and turned so much that I finally gave up and just got out of bed. I would go from a state of complete and utter stress and freak out to peace knowing God is going to take care of us. So at about 3 am I got out of bed came downstairs and pulled out the baby blanket I am knitting for Ezekiel to work on while worship music played. I let myself cry, pray and listen. I would have my moments of break down and almost on que a beautiful song would come on about either God's faithfulness, Praising Him in the midst of trials and so forth.
At about 5 am I finally felt myself getting tired so I went to bed but got up about 10 am. So still not quite as much sleep as I wanted or needed. But I also had so much heart burn last night that I started throwing up. It felt like acid reflux really bad. So I am definitely going to mention that to my midwife and see if there is anything they can give me to help with that. It's been getting really bad every time after I eat or drink without having anything help even if I try not to eat after a certain time. I lost a little weight, I think in part because I've been trying NOT to eat too late(aka after I get off work at 9pm) so that I don't have as bad of heartburn. But it really isn't working either way.
So this morning after I got up I called the healthcare.gov people and that we needed to see what we could qualify for in the cheap insurance area to compare the price against the cobra so we went over Isaac's lay off, how much I made last year, that we are expecting a baby in June ect; The woman I worked with was so incredibly sweet and helpful. I actually started crying, okay no lets be honest almost bawling at one point, well the point when she asked if anyone is pregnant. She was so sweet and understanding and just kept saying "Oh honey it's going to be okay, you don't have to be upset. Were gonna take care of you. It will all work out. I've actually been there before twice." After all was said and done we got it all worked out. I will be going on medicaid until Isaac finds a job. Thankfully everything will be paid for and I don't have to stress about the hospital bills that have been coming in though I paid everything up to date already. Just Friday morning I had just sent in a $260 check for our anatomy scan from last month, our insurance didn't cover as much as I had hoped they would. The only thing I am praying for with this is that I can still deliver with my midwives at the hospital I'm at. I really pray they will accept Medicaid.
So that was a huge weight off of our shoulders. And Isaac also got a bunch of leads from different friends who work in IT/Development work telling him to send them his resume and they would pass it on to their bosses so that just lifted the weight so much more.
As Isaac and I are talking about all of this we just looked at each other and smiled and both said almost at the same time how relieved we were. We just both know that everything will end up working out and that God will indeed provide for us like He always has. Ezekiel then started kicking like crazy so I lifted my shirt and we both were able to actually see my belly move! It was amazing! Isaac and I just looked at it and had to smile. We were reminded what is REALLY important in life.
I didn't feel comfortable really going out and celebrating my birthday like we planned to but we found a good compromise. We went to Sonic for lunch then went over to Burlington Coat Factory and registered for the rest of the baby stuff we need/wanted that we did not see at Target. Then as my birthday present I was able to find two pairs of work maternity pants for only $15 each-something I needed and a $10 movie-something I wanted and called it a really good fun day.
I still keep getting moments of sheer panic wondering how the hell is everything going to work out. But I know it will. It always will. We have been in harder situations than this. When Isaac and I first go married I was the only one working since Isaac couldn't find work after college. That was a very very very hard year. But now Isaac has experience under his belt. A lot of people rooting for him. And I know that God is going to bring it all together.
At about 5 am I finally felt myself getting tired so I went to bed but got up about 10 am. So still not quite as much sleep as I wanted or needed. But I also had so much heart burn last night that I started throwing up. It felt like acid reflux really bad. So I am definitely going to mention that to my midwife and see if there is anything they can give me to help with that. It's been getting really bad every time after I eat or drink without having anything help even if I try not to eat after a certain time. I lost a little weight, I think in part because I've been trying NOT to eat too late(aka after I get off work at 9pm) so that I don't have as bad of heartburn. But it really isn't working either way.
So this morning after I got up I called the healthcare.gov people and that we needed to see what we could qualify for in the cheap insurance area to compare the price against the cobra so we went over Isaac's lay off, how much I made last year, that we are expecting a baby in June ect; The woman I worked with was so incredibly sweet and helpful. I actually started crying, okay no lets be honest almost bawling at one point, well the point when she asked if anyone is pregnant. She was so sweet and understanding and just kept saying "Oh honey it's going to be okay, you don't have to be upset. Were gonna take care of you. It will all work out. I've actually been there before twice." After all was said and done we got it all worked out. I will be going on medicaid until Isaac finds a job. Thankfully everything will be paid for and I don't have to stress about the hospital bills that have been coming in though I paid everything up to date already. Just Friday morning I had just sent in a $260 check for our anatomy scan from last month, our insurance didn't cover as much as I had hoped they would. The only thing I am praying for with this is that I can still deliver with my midwives at the hospital I'm at. I really pray they will accept Medicaid.
So that was a huge weight off of our shoulders. And Isaac also got a bunch of leads from different friends who work in IT/Development work telling him to send them his resume and they would pass it on to their bosses so that just lifted the weight so much more.
As Isaac and I are talking about all of this we just looked at each other and smiled and both said almost at the same time how relieved we were. We just both know that everything will end up working out and that God will indeed provide for us like He always has. Ezekiel then started kicking like crazy so I lifted my shirt and we both were able to actually see my belly move! It was amazing! Isaac and I just looked at it and had to smile. We were reminded what is REALLY important in life.
I didn't feel comfortable really going out and celebrating my birthday like we planned to but we found a good compromise. We went to Sonic for lunch then went over to Burlington Coat Factory and registered for the rest of the baby stuff we need/wanted that we did not see at Target. Then as my birthday present I was able to find two pairs of work maternity pants for only $15 each-something I needed and a $10 movie-something I wanted and called it a really good fun day.
I still keep getting moments of sheer panic wondering how the hell is everything going to work out. But I know it will. It always will. We have been in harder situations than this. When Isaac and I first go married I was the only one working since Isaac couldn't find work after college. That was a very very very hard year. But now Isaac has experience under his belt. A lot of people rooting for him. And I know that God is going to bring it all together.
Friday, February 6, 2015
Thrown For A Loop
Isaac and I were thrown for a really big loop today. He had his yearly review where they told him he is a model employee, they love having him work for them. They are giving him a 5% bonus in this paycheck. Followed by his boss telling him that's the good news: The bad news is we just lost over 50% of our contracts for this next year and we aren't going to be able to afford to keep you on. So we are going to have to let you go. Apparently, according to Isaac, his boss started crying several times as he was telling him. He could tell he really felt bad and he kept apologizing. Isaac seemed to have held it together really well.
His boss told him that He is going to write him a letter of recommendation for other jobs in the future. Along with the president of the company had emailed him a few months ago on how well he did on a certain project and how much they appreciated him. He kept asking Isaac if he was okay, because he was so calm. But Isaac just calmly told them that He is fine. He will land on his feet but that they could have handled this a lot better. He heard a few weeks ago that there were going to be losing work and he came to him and asked him if he needed to be concerned and was assured no not at all. Things would be fine so he trusted him. He told him if he knew he should have told him especially since he knows his wife is pregnant.
So yes, that's how our day went. I just finished a 10 day work stretch. I'm exhausted, moody, tired and now stressed. And of course lets not forget pregnant. We were supposed to go out tomorrow to celebrate me birthday and Isaac is still insisting we do something but I just don't feel right about it. I feel like I am not allowed to spend any extra money at all. So we will have to see Isaac is insisting on at least going out to lunch or getting me something but I just don't know how I feel about it. I really want to try and save as much money as possible. So we will see.
Right now I'm fine one second then freaking out the next. I know that God is in control and we have been in much worse situations but I know that God is going to cause everything to work out as it should. I just have to trust.
It feels even more surreal because a few months ago I had a dream where I was telling someone that Isaac lost his job and today when I was telling a friend it came rushing back in dejavu style where I remembered that I had a dream about this. So that made me feel a little better since I felt like it was God's way of reminding me He always sees the big picture and that it is going to be okay.
Since getting home and processing little Ezekiel has been going crazy. It makes me so happy to feel but kind of stresses me out at the same time since it reminds me we have him coming to join our family soon. I know it will all work out. God has always worked it out for us. But I just need to trust, take deep breathes and let God lead us.
One blessing about today I forgot to mention I got an anonymous package on the mail today:
His boss told him that He is going to write him a letter of recommendation for other jobs in the future. Along with the president of the company had emailed him a few months ago on how well he did on a certain project and how much they appreciated him. He kept asking Isaac if he was okay, because he was so calm. But Isaac just calmly told them that He is fine. He will land on his feet but that they could have handled this a lot better. He heard a few weeks ago that there were going to be losing work and he came to him and asked him if he needed to be concerned and was assured no not at all. Things would be fine so he trusted him. He told him if he knew he should have told him especially since he knows his wife is pregnant.
So yes, that's how our day went. I just finished a 10 day work stretch. I'm exhausted, moody, tired and now stressed. And of course lets not forget pregnant. We were supposed to go out tomorrow to celebrate me birthday and Isaac is still insisting we do something but I just don't feel right about it. I feel like I am not allowed to spend any extra money at all. So we will have to see Isaac is insisting on at least going out to lunch or getting me something but I just don't know how I feel about it. I really want to try and save as much money as possible. So we will see.
Right now I'm fine one second then freaking out the next. I know that God is in control and we have been in much worse situations but I know that God is going to cause everything to work out as it should. I just have to trust.
It feels even more surreal because a few months ago I had a dream where I was telling someone that Isaac lost his job and today when I was telling a friend it came rushing back in dejavu style where I remembered that I had a dream about this. So that made me feel a little better since I felt like it was God's way of reminding me He always sees the big picture and that it is going to be okay.
Since getting home and processing little Ezekiel has been going crazy. It makes me so happy to feel but kind of stresses me out at the same time since it reminds me we have him coming to join our family soon. I know it will all work out. God has always worked it out for us. But I just need to trust, take deep breathes and let God lead us.
One blessing about today I forgot to mention I got an anonymous package on the mail today:
Monday, February 2, 2015
Half Way There-20 Weeks
Today I have made it to 20 weeks. I am officially 5 months and half way there. It is so incredibly amazing. I love and cherish every second of this that I can. I am slightly exhausted as I am doing a 10 day work stretch right now. But thankfully I have loved the clients I have had and that has made it so much easier to get through the day.
Today though has been a little emotional. I had a dream last night where I woke up not remembering what the dream was but remembered the fact that in the dream I was well aware that Nathan was no longer with us. I woke up remembering that in my dream Nathan was dead. It put a very sad start to the morning. I wonder if it's because yesterday a client of mine who lost her sister recently came in and almost started crying in my chair several times, making me almost cry. I think all in all it has just been an emotional day. In the past when a dream involved him I would wake up sad but so glad I got to see him or hear his voice.
A few weeks ago a friend of mine gave me the number and a website to some therapists that I asked for. I haven't called them yet. As silly as it seems I feel like that's such a big step. I've never done anything like that before and I know I need to. It's just I'm normally the one that everyone opens up to and talks to it is just really hard for me to see myself opening up like I should. All I'm picturing is not even being able to get words out just bawling my eyes out the whole first session. But I think that might be exactly what I need. So it's on my bucket list by the end of the week I want to have found someone and scheduled my first appointment. Just another thing to add to the many things I have going on: Drs appointments, Birthing classes, and so much more but I know it will be good for me.
But I do have the fact that little Ezekiel is growing well to keep the day bright. He has turned into a pretty active young man and I love feeling him move around as I am walking around or even the flips it feels like he's doing that I feel when I'm laying down. It just puts a smile on my face. So for now I'll try to take it day by day and face one challenge at a time.
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