Last night as I lay in bed trying to still my mind to sleep all I could think about was all the beautiful children out there who feel unloved.  We had this child and already loved it so unconditionally.  So much that it seemed to momentarily shattered us when we lost it.  No child should ever feel that way.  I pictured myself loving on a child who as they walk through our door are having doubts, hurts and fears.  Are we going to love them?  Are they going to be able to stay with us?  Fears and insecurity that no child should EVER feel.  None should ever feel unloved or unwanted.

God I want to just take them all in.  I want to bring them into my arms and love on them unconditionally. I feel as my heart is healing it's closing in one direction and opening in another.  I feel like God is pouring himself out into our lives and allowing us to heal but also...maybe move into a different direction.

God whatever you want of us...That is what I want.  Whichever route you desire of us....that is the route we wish to go.  Show us your direction and path.  Help us to know which way we should go.

On April 23rd I have an appointment to get a tattoo in remembrance of this beautiful miracle that was lost to us.  And to commemorate the past losses as well.  I will be doing this(yet adding three stars underneath to represent the three losses):

As I thought about the three little stars underneath I thought about how I don't want to add any more stars.  I really just want to let go.  To close this door and let God take control if one day in the future He sees fit to bless us with another.  I almost feel like this is me giving myself closure on this chapter. But today I received in the mail the most beautiful drawing from a friend:

When I opened it I cried.  You can not tell very well from the picture but the three little ones looking on from the sideline are colored with Rainbow colors to represent the losses.  When I opened it saw what it represent I again felt like it was closure.  I don't want another elephant looking on from the sideline.....maybe it's time to shut the door.


What does shutting the door mean for me?  I never plan to go on birth control again or to openly try to prevent.  But maybe it is time to just let it not matter.  Stop trying to get pregnant, stop hoping to get pregnant and stop caring if I get pregnant.  Much easier said then done when you have lived it every day almost for the last 5 years.  And for now life goes on slowly day by day.  I go back to work tomorrow and know that my coworkers may feel awkward around me at first.  May not know what to say.  But I will love them anyway exactly where they are as I hope they can do the same for me as I heal.

Today is a struggle of a whole different world.  I woke up hurting in general physically still from the exertion of yesterday.  So I decided today would be a day I just take it easy.....yet my mind hasn't gotten the notice to rest.

I have wanted several times today to pick up the phone call the Dr and ask if I decide to continue down the path to try and get pregnant what steps do we need to take?  A way to just get it over with in order to have all the information I can.  Then I think about everything that happened in that hospital on Sunday and I never want to go through something like that again.  Why would I even give my body the chance to betray me like that? 

I feel angry.  I feel betrayed.  Yesterday I took all day to try to make sense of why it could have happened....well you know what I don't care WHY it happened.  We were robbed of a child.  Regardless of if we adopt, get pregnant again...whatever.  We were robbed.  We were blind sided.  Being still is so hard.  Learning there isn't always an answer for everything is also hard.  Today being forced to do nothing physically is forcing me to be still.  To not fill the time with projects, cleaning and errands.  It makes me think, it makes me grieve, and it makes me heal.

Today this scripture really spoke to me:

Psalm 71:

In you, Lord, I have taken refuge;
    let me never be put to shame.
² In your righteousness, rescue me and deliver me;
    turn your ear to me and save me.
³ Be my rock of refuge,
    to which I can always go;
give the command to save me,
    for you are my rock and my fortress.
⁴ Deliver me, my God, from the hand of the wicked,
    from the grasp of those who are evil and cruel.

⁵ For you have been my hope, Sovereign Lord,
    my confidence since my youth.
⁶ From birth I have relied on you;
    you brought me forth from my mother’s womb.
    I will ever praise you.
⁷ I have become a sign to many;
    you are my strong refuge.
⁸ My mouth is filled with your praise,
    declaring your splendor all day long.

⁹ Do not cast me away when I am old;
    do not forsake me when my strength is gone.
¹⁰ For my enemies speak against me;
    those who wait to kill me conspire together.
¹¹ They say, “God has forsaken him;
    pursue him and seize him,
    for no one will rescue him.”
¹² Do not be far from me, my God;
    come quickly, God, to help me.
¹³ May my accusers perish in shame;
    may those who want to harm me
    be covered with scorn and disgrace.

¹⁴ As for me, I will always have hope;
    I will praise you more and more.

¹⁵ My mouth will tell of your righteous deeds,
    of your saving acts all day long—
    though I know not how to relate them all.
¹⁶ I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, Sovereign Lord;
    I will proclaim your righteous deeds, yours alone.
¹⁷ Since my youth, God, you have taught me,
    and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds.
¹⁸ Even when I am old and gray,
    do not forsake me, my God,
till I declare your power to the next generation,
    your mighty acts to all who are to come.

¹⁹ Your righteousness, God, reaches to the heavens,
    you who have done great things.
    Who is like you, God?
²⁰ Though you have made me see troubles,
    many and bitter,
    you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth
    you will again bring me up.
²¹ You will increase my honor
    and comfort me once more.

²² I will praise you with the harp
    for your faithfulness, my God;
I will sing praise to you with the lyre,
    Holy One of Israel.
²³ My lips will shout for joy
    when I sing praise to you—
    I whom you have delivered.
²⁴ My tongue will tell of your righteous acts
    all day long,
for those who wanted to harm me
    have been put to shame and confusion.

Verse 20-21: ²⁰ Though you have made me see troubles,  many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up.²¹ You will increase my honor and comfort me once more.

These really spoke to me.  I may not be there yet but He will heal me.  He will restore me.  He will bring me healing.  And with that healing will come clarity.  So for now I will allow my heart to heal.   

Over all I suppose I can call today a win.  Isaac went back to work so Ezekiel and I got back into our normal routine.  They had said I could get back to life as  normal so I decided to go to the gymn.  I didn't do anything more than what I normally do and felt completely fine after so we went grocery shopping and ran some errands and it was around 4:30 this afternoon my body began to complain.  It pretty much gave out on me where I couldn't even stand without being in pain.  And it began to remind me what it has been through in the last couple days and is still in the process of going through.  It reminded me I need to be patient with myself not only emotionally but physically as well.  I ended up on the couch with worship music in the background watching Ezekiel play, unable to move much.  It was in that moment of stillness that the sadness began to creep back in today.  As my body betrayed me and said enough, that I remembered and was unable to forget or even put aside the thoughts of what I was going through. 

Today was a day completely opposite though of yesterday.  Yesterday I was determined we would in fact try again.  I would force my body to obey and do what I want. 

But today I didn't feel that way.  Last night Isaac and I had a good talk.  Since September of 2012 Every single month (apart from 3-6 months after having Ezekiel) has consisted of us either trying to get pregnant or trying and praying we stay pregnant.  It has been filled with ovulation test, pregnancy tests, medications, home remedies, charting, temping, analyzing every single bodily fluid I get in order to try to figure out if this month is our month.  If anything is different this month then how it was before.  It's hard in general to change your thought process or to let go of something you have lived, breathed and allowed to become almost habit for the last 5 years.  Yet here we are.  On Monday after going to the bathroom I walked into the room where Isaac was and he asked if I was okay and how I was feeling.  The answer I gave him shocked even myself.  I was relieved that for the first time since I can remember I went to the bathroom saw the blood and didn't wonder why it was there.  I knew why it was there.  Though the answer was filled with sadness there was no more anxiety.  No more questioning what I was seeing.

We talked about how he had told me that it was completely up to me on if we tried again or not.  And I told him how I don't think that is how it should be.  I already have an obvious problem trying to control things, worrying and wanting to make things happen in my timing(this can be anything in life not referring to just this situation).  I want us to do what GOD wants us to do not what we feel is best for me.  And we both came together in agreement.  We would stop.  Take a step back.  Try to be still and know that He is God.  We will pray and ask what it is that He has for us separately.  Then come back together and discuss what it is that HE desires for us. 

I think about how everything can change in an instant.  So if we were to go down the route of trying to conceive again I would need to know that it was God leading me there 100%.  But I also feel that there is definitely a reason this all happened though right now I just don't have the answers.  Part of me tries to conjure them up.  We had always said that when Ezekiel turned 2/3 we would adopt regardless of becoming pregnant yet when we found out we where pregnant we decided we would wait till this child was 2/3 to adopt.  Maybe God has a specific child out there that is mean to be with us at this time.  Or sooner rather than later.  I really don't believe I serve a God who could be so cruel as to take away the blessing of life for us simply for putting something like that on hold.....but I do know that there definitely is a reason though I don't know what it is and I can't pretend to know either. 


I feel like I'm rambling today and in part I know I am.  But I feel like my thoughts in general are all over the place.  So for now we have decided to heal.  To grieve.  And to allow God to show us the path he wants to take.  In doing this we will gather the information we need in both adoption, fostering...since we already know the steps they want me to take if we decide to try again.  *High risk Dr.  Extra monitoring, ect;  We will gather our info and we shall pray.  I will attempt to be still.  To really hear his voice in the stillness.  This is one of the hardest things for me to do. 

I'm sitting here in the waiting room for my follow up visit and my whole body just feels numb.  I look around me and see signs of pregnancy or birth control everywhere.

The woman sitting across from me walked in crying and handed a black opaque bag to the receptionist with her paperwork.  And without saying a single word I know we are here for the same reason.  We both lost something so precious that can never be replaced no matter how hard we try.  I want to tell her I know exactly how she feels.  I want to tell her I understand.  But yet how can I as I sit here with a blank stare.  No emotions while inside I'm screaming and crying.  I am numb yet I feel on fire at the same time.

They've brought me back to the exam room now and I sit here trying to compose myself before I talk to the Drs.  I already know what took place so all I want is to gather myself together.  You see the tears come when I am alone.  When I feel safe.  I can hear them talking outside the door...."We got her beta results they are still high it looks like it's ectopic"  My heart leaps to my throat.  No this can't be for me.  I saw the sac.  I pushed it out just as if I where giving birth.  There wasn't anything on the ultrasound.  No I can't believe this is for me.

'knock knock' the door opens

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My Beta numbers where 8317 Sunday evening.  By this morning they have dropped to the 2000's.  The conversation outside the door wasn't about me.  I feel relieved yet the floodgates open up.  I cry, they soothe as we talk about what to expect.  What the next steps are.  According the ultrasound Sunday evening after "delivering" my baby prematurely the ultrasound showed I had in a matter of two hours passed almost everything that was in my uterus.  My lining was already back almost to what it should be pre-pregnancy.  This makes sense as I have stopped bleeding already and now am only spotting.  To cover all bases we talked about everything:

~I will have on April 4th one more beta draw to make sure my pregnacy levels are back to 0
~If I don't get my period back within 6 weeks I am to call them and they will prescribe me Provera or something else to help get me back on track.
~IF we decide to try again they want me to wait one full cycle after my first period to make sure I'm regulated.
~No sex for two weeks(though neither of us are quite ready for that kind of intimacy) 
Otherwise I can go back to life as it was.  But life really never will be the same.

My mind begins to race and I begin to think I will get pregnant again!  I will take clomid and have a healthy pregnancy and have another baby.  Just to grab some sense of control over my own body.  Beat it into submission.  But control is an illusion.  And if anything you would think this would prove that.  There were no signs at all that anything was wrong till it was suddenly very wrong.

I have been pregnant 4 times.  I have one child.  I lost the others between 4/5 weeks and have never been through the heartbreak like this where I actually had to have "labor" in a way to deliver a growing child that had no way to make it into this world.  Maybe that child lost it's heartbeat already, maybe it was already gone.....the Maybe's don't heal the heart they only add to the what ifs. 

I don't know what we are going to do in the future.  And I want to allow myself time to heal to decide.  I could say I'm leaning towards this or that but to be honest it changes by the hour.  I want to just take a step back.....allow God to heal.  And to show us what direction HE wants us to go.

I keep thinking I really do serve a God of miracles.  In August of last year we had gotten pregnant on our own only to loose it before the 5 week mark but yet it happened.  So doesn't this mean that God if he actually wants us to have a child he will bring it into fruition.  Maybe it's time I let go.  Stop trying to have it in my hands and in my timing and let it be His.  Yet He led us to fertility stuff with Ezekiel.  Do I feel we where wrong doing fertility stuff this time?  No.  We had both prayed about it and both felt this was the direction God was leading us.  He has a reason this happened.  We may not know why, nor ever know but it doesn't change the fact that His ways ARE higher than ours.  I will try to rest in that. 

We are thinking of naming this child.  Though it seems slightly unfair to the other losses that didn't have a name the other losses also never made it to fetal stage.  Yet another thing we are taking time to think and pray about. 
So for now we will be still.  We will heal.  And we will see where he wants us to go.

In an instant our lives seem to have been turned upside down.  The ultrasound confirmed that I had indeed lost the pregnancy while there at the hospital.  I feel like my world shattered a little into tiny pieces.  I have moments where I just look at Ezekiel and realize that we are beyond blessed to have this really true living miracle right here among us.  I'm realizing what a gift we where given to have a pregnancy to go full term.

This is now our 3rd loss.  But one that hits the hardest.  We where almost 1/4 through our pregnancy.  It makes me unsure on if I want to try again and yet determined to try again and make it work.  But that is just an illusion.  I can't "make" anything work.  I can't control any part of this.  I have to truly let go and give it to God.  It's so hard.  Beyond hard to know what the right thing to do is. 

Isaac and I talked about what this means for trying again in the future.  Answer: we need to pray about it.  We both are willing to try again but maybe it isn't the right time.  Maybe God has some little child out there already that belongs with us and we are supposed to bring them home to join our family. 

There are so many what if's and could be's out there it's hard to say. 

For now I will allow myself to heal.  I will take things just one day at a time.  I will allow myself to feel this grief.  I will also cherish the family I do have even more.  Every single day. 

I'm sitting here in the emergency room waiting for an ultrasound.  Earlier today my bleeding increased along with cramping.  I decided to lay down and take a nap and see if after I felt better.  Upon waking I began to get actual contractions with heavy bleeding do I ran to the Er.  While here I have not only passed just a few clots but it appears I passed the entire sack.  It breaks my heart just to say that and I'll never be able to forget what that looks like.  My heart is breaking.  I haven't had the ultrasound yet but I know what it will show.

I'm actually really glad I came in here to have it happen here vs at home.  That would have made it even harder.

But I will update most likely not till tomorrow.  Today I was 9 weeks and one day.

Today has had some very unwelcome developements.  I guess though I have to start at the beginning which would have been late afternoon/early evening yesterday.  I went to the bathroom to discover really thick( and I mean thicker than I have ever seen it) cervical mucous with blood sitting on my panty liner.  I wiped with toilet paper and there was NOTHING.  No pink, no red, nothing at all.  To be safe though I called the midwives since they told me if there is ever even a hint of blood unless immediately after sex to call them.  I talked to the midwife explained the situation she asked if I had any cramping or pain which I did not.  She said really then there wasn't anything to be too concerned about.  That if I wanted to come in Monday to be seen I could or if I want to wait (if it doesn't progress) for my appointment in two weeks that I could.  I decided since there was no actual spotting that I would wait and see what happened with this and then make a decision.

Que today at work:  I began to actual spot.  No bright red blood thankfully and not as heavy as I had with Ezekiel when I was bleeding with him.  It is all light pink but it is almost continuous along with a heavy cervical pressure that comes and goes.  I don't know any other way to describe it.  I also have even MORE cervical mucous build up then I did before all accompanied with the pink/bloody look.  I called the midwives who are going to have me come in Monday for an ultrasound.  We are going to look and make sure that 1-it's not an ectopic pregnancy causing this 2- I don't have another SCH like I had with Ezekiel and 3- just to put my mind at rest.  She asked me if I have been having any cramping which Started early today and has been going off and on but to be honest if I think about it I don't know that its more or less than what I was having before only that I'm paying closer attention due to the fact that I'm bleeding and now watching out for any sign of a miscarriage or ectopic pregnancy. 

So that my friends is my day.  I have to say I'm honestly amazed though.  Through all of this even when I saw that first sign of blood I wasn't freaking out.  I know that God has his hand in this, no matter what happens He brought us this far.  He knows this child by name.  He foresaw this from the very beginning.  I choose to put my hope and faith in Him.  Now this doesn't mean that I still am not running to the bathroom every 5 minutes or analyzing every twinge that takes place.  But I know that God is faithful. 

I will keep you guys posted.  I know you want to know everything! 

I had an extremely vivid dream last night that I just can't seem to get out of my head.  I dreamt that I woke up and went to the bathroom only to find spotting.  I immediately called the Midwives who asked me to come in for an ultrasound so they could make sure everything was okay.  I arrived at the hospital she was taken in immediately to go see the Midwives.  She turned on the ultrasound machine and said well I found the source of your spotting.  Your having twins!  One of the babies is placed closer to your cervix and seems to be kicking you a lot down there hence the spotting.  I was so overjoyed that I took immediately shared the news with everyone I could.  I came up with the cutest way to put it on Facebook and thought myself I wonder how many people have seen it.  It was at this moment that I woke up and has a moment of confusion.  The dream seemed so real I had I remind myself it is too early to tell, at least on my own.  I think in part this dream is simply since I've heard multiple times last week that I was already showing am I sure I'm not having twins.  The answer to that is no I'm not sure yet but I highly doubt it.

I also have begun feeling the slightest feelings if movement every once in a while.  With Ezekiel I remember feeling it every night starting at 12 weeks and being I'm only 8 I have to admit a large part of me believes this may just be gas.  But we will see if these feelings become stronger and more consistent.

Already I feel like time is flying by.  It seems like just a week ago I found out we were pregnant and now I'm over 8 weeks along.  So close to the second trimester!  It's so exciting.

I am amazed at the changes I am already seeing in my body.  I'm only a few days past 7 weeks and look like I looked with Ezekiel a few months in!  It just amazes me.  Here I am sucking in my stomach as much as I possibly can:

I look in the mirror constantly and have to do a double take.  I'm not going to lie I love it!  I like the fact I jumped from the bloated just feeling fat stage to looking actively pregnant.  Although that really does depend on what clothes I'm wearing.  I'm getting more energy, pretty much no morning sickness so overall things are going really well. 

It's Official

Well It is official!  I am most certainly pregnant.  The Dr appointment yesterday went really well.  I am estimated at 6 weeks 7 days today(so a few days off from what we thought) and due around the end of October.  She went to do my exam and said you are most certainly pregnant.  Just hearing those words made my heart leap for joy!  I am beyond excited to have it confirmed.  Though we knew it it's still pretty amazing.  We won't have any ultrasounds or anything like that on a regular basis unless there is some type of medical reason too since I declined the anatomy scan.  So we will have one at 20 weeks otherwise we will just listen to the heartbeat every appointment.  To be quite honest I'm actually 100% okay with that.  So many people would want the extra ultrasounds even pay for them and I completely understand but being that already this pregnancy is seeming so much more normal then it was with Ezekiel (aka no bleeding, or spotting) I want to be treated "normal".

Well I promised I'd post so there you are.  We will be having another little munchkin by the end of the year. 

A noticeable bump

I've talked a little bit in the past on how I was on a journey not only to get pregnant but also in the last year to get healthy, fit and try to loose as much weight as possible.  Below the first picture is a picture of me in March of 216 Followed by a picture of me just last month at the beginning of February.

So why on earth am I showing you this?  Well because that picture right there above this text I took just a couple weeks ago.  I have since lost even a few more inches of fat and toned up even more.  This morning I weighed myself(exactly the same as a few weeks ago since I found out I was pregnant)  Just one notable difference:

Baby has deemed that I should have a baby bump early.  I had to laugh when I put on my gym clothes this morning and saw that I had a very noticeable bloat bump(cause let us be real it is definitely not a baby right now).  But It really is interesting to me that I have gained absolutely nothing yet there is an obvious change in my body.  And no readers I will assure you I was most certainly not sticking it out on purpose.  I always heard you started showing earlier the more kids you have I just didn't think that at 7 weeks(technically 7 weeks tomorrow) I would have a very round front.  I know anyone looking at me would think its just flab that has to go but it makes me smile.  Soon that flab will be moving with the kicks and turns of a little boy or girl.

I really am leaning towards not finding out the sex and letting it be a surprise.  I am loving the idea more and more as the days go on.  Of course you can not fault me if I change my mind in the future.  Well that's really all for now just thought it was worth the share. 

Getting Real

In just a few days I will be heading to the Drs office for our first appointment!  I'm so incredibly excited.  It's becoming real to me.  Today I plan to go to the craft store pick out some yarn and begin a gender neutral baby blanket.  I made one for Ezekiel and every child we have I plan on making them their very own.  The more I think about it the more I really feel like I will be waiting and not find out the gender so I want to pick something that really can fit either a girl or a boy...so probably yellows greens ect; 

Overall I feel good.  I get waves of nausea and exhaustion but overall I feel good.  I found if I push past and exercise I get a little burst of energy which is nice.  I'm trying to stick with that as much as I can. 

I'll definitely post on Friday after my appointment. 

In One Week

In just one week I will have my first appointment with the midwives.  I came to the realization yesterday that I have absolutely no idea what to expect.  In the past I was given special treatment so to speak since I was with the fertility specialists but this time I have no idea.  Will I get an ultrasound?  Will I get to hear the heartbeat?  Last time with Ezekiel due to all the complications with the hemorrhage by 8 weeks I had already had 9 ultrasounds I believe it was.  I decided to call and find out.  If there really isn't anything going on is it worth Isaac and Ezekiel coming for an hour.  I found out that there is not an ultrasound.  They explained they plan on doing that at the second visit since they don't have vaginal ultrasound machines and at 7 weeks that is normally too early to see anything.  They offered to write me a script to get one done early but I would have to pay out of pocket for it.    I told them that is okay since I  now realized that this is the norm.  She told me they have a bedside ultrasound machine so that she will gladly try to see something but that at only 7 weeks I can't expect anything to happen or be seen.  It's worth trying I suppose we will see how I feel the day of.

I'm not really having any pregnancy symptoms so to speak beyond getting very tired.  But nothing a nap or some coffee can't help with.  Overall things are seeming good I'm excited for next week.  That is about all I have left to post on.