I Feel Broken

Today was a very hard emotional day.  I just felt myself slowly breaking down emotionally.   Yesterday I heard back from the Dr I had only 1 follicle and it was half as big as they wanted it to be.  She believes there is a chance it could grow to the appropriate size in 5 days so she is going to have me trigger on July 4th and then time intercourse.  The lovely but not so lovely situation is that
1) I wont be able to know for sure if the egg fully developed before we trigger or not
2) Isaac's family will be in town with us to celebrate the 4th when we have to time intercourse.  **Awkward**

But I just feel so broken.  This was something that was suppose to work.  This was suppose to give me a chance to actually get pregnant without guesswork.   But now we are flying blind.  I don't know if it will work or not.

I got home from a 11 hour shift at work today and just broke down.  I'm tired of being strong.  I'm tired of always keeping a smile on my face pretending I'm okay with where things are going.  I'm tired of feeling broken and useless.  At work two girls I work with were talking about what they would do if they found out they were pregnant and how much they would hate to be pregnant ect;  I understand they are at a different stage in life but hearing them talk about how horrible it would be the thought I would give anything to be at that place right now kept coming into my mind.  Then about an hour later I started getting a headache and a coworker asked if I was pregnant and she said it as a joke.   She then said if I want to get pregnant just have sex every day and it will happen.  It just made me so aggravated.  When I got home I walked in the door put on some worship music and just couldn't hold back the tears anymore. 

It should be that easy.  I should be able to just have sex at the right time and 9 months later hold the most precious gift in the world in my arms.  I shouldn't be broken.  I can't do what God intended for us to do.    Isaac came upstairs and just held me as I cried.  I feel like my emotions and thoughts are going all over the place but in reality I just feel broken.  I know that God is bigger than any situation that would come my way.  I know if it does happen this cycle it will just make it more of a miracle.  I just have a hard time having faith right now.  But I know that where I lack faith He is Faithful.  Where I lack strength He is strong.   He set the world into motion and He made it all form in his way.

All I can pray is that this little follicle will grow into our baby.  "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations." Jeremiah 1:5

I just pray that this is the case that God will bring everything into motion He desires for us.  I want peace and I want understanding.  I want to not be broken.  Good thing I serve a God of miracles. 

I hope it worked

I feel almost like a train that just trucks along down the track just going going going without stopping or even slowing down to take a break.  I don't know that "worn out" is the right term to use.  It's a little more than that.  I know I should be excited right now that I'm getting a chance to get pregnant but now I'm not even sure how to describe how I feel.  What ifs come to mind and all I want to do is think positively.  But sometimes:
What if it doesn't work?
What if it did work but I still don't get pregnant?
What if it doesn't work so I have to wait till next month only to find my estrogen levels are again too high so I have to go back on birth control?

I know I'm not suppose to worry about tomorrow: Matthew 6:34 "So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today."

I know this but its hard to keep those thoughts from coming to my mind.  So every day I feel like I'm just trucking forward.  One little milestone at a time.  I don't want to think about it so much I end up stressing out.  At the beginning of this treatment cycle I felt I was assured victory, why would God finally allow me to get to this point not to just give me full victory.  But now the nerves slowly are kicking in.  I think once I get a phone call to know if it worked or not I'll feel better.  

So I went in this morning for my cycle Day 12 ultrasound in order to check my follicle size and see if the medication worked to force earlier ovulation.  I should know by 3pm.  I am not really sure what I think they will say.  I know what I want them to say but I don't know for sure if it will end up working out like that exactly. 

God I know you see the yesterday the today and my tomorrow and your ways are so much higher than my own.  Help me to truly just place my trust in you, not just in words but in deeds.  I can not do it on my own.  I need help.  This train feels like its running out of steam and I know that I can't and I have to keep going.  But I also knwo that I am strong.  I am brave.  I am able to accomplish and overcome any obstacle that comes my way.  And every day I will move forward towards victory. 

Day 9 Round One of Femara

So starting tomorrow I am suppose to be doing the ovulation predictor kits early in the morning for cycle day 10 and 11 and then If I get a positive I go in between 6-9am for blood draw.

I'm honestly not so sure I'm going to get a positive.  I didn't get a positive the last month I was testing with Opks but I did confirm that I had ovulated with a blood draw. 

So far with the Femara I haven't really had any side effects that are crazy except a few heat flashes and some dizziness every once and a while.  Other than that I've had some very light spotting the past two days accompanied with ovary twinges and a little pressure I'm hoping that is just another sign that its working.  Either way I find out Sunday.

Day 3 taking Femara

Today is cycle day 5 and my period had ended!  I am so incredibly excited.  I did have some very light spotting today but going from 11 day periods to a 4.5 day one is AMAZING!  I'm super happy about it.  So far things seem to be going pretty well on Femara.  Tonight will be my third night taking Femara.  So far only very small side effects: Head ache, sleepy and feeling bloated.  But a few minutes ago I just got hit with a HUGE hot flash and a stomach ache at the same time.  I ran to the bathroom stripped off all my clothes and was still too hot so as I'm sitting on the toilet wishing my stomach would just explode instead of giving me this uncomfortable pain I get even hotter but don't have anything else I could take off.  I wanted to take a layer of skin off or lay in a bucket of ice cubes.  Wow that was insane.  Thankfully it didn't last very long and both passed very quickly. 

Its so worth it and I know it!  I'm so excited to be on this chapter in my journey and if I have to go through this for a few months it will be so worth it.  I think the hot flashes though are pretty much the worse that comes with Femara so I am lucky there.  I still can't believe that in just a week I should be ready to ovulate.  That idea just sounds so foreign to me!  But I'm super excited about it.  I'm hoping for a few mature follicles so that I have a higher chance of  having one of them turning into our baby. 

Started Femara!

So yesterday was my first night taking Femara.  I'm so incredibly excited to be beginning this journey.  I do have to say I had an incredibly interesting thing happen the night before I started it.  Warning: Here comes a TMI alert, those with weak stomachs who are grossed out easily....just go ahead and skip down past this next paragraph.

Well on Thursday night I ended up waking up at about 4 am and felt really sick and had incredibly painful cramps.  I went to the bathroom and threw up but my stomach felt better almost immediately but I still had painful cramps.  So I went back to bed but when I woke up for the morning I went to the bathroom and in my pad it appears through the night I passed a big portion of my Decidual Cast.  Apparently this is pretty common when you start birth control but I had never had it happen to me.  For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about here is a good website I found to explain it:
http://www.gynogab.com/2009/01/bleed-or-not-to-bleed-series-note.html?m=1
thankfully mine wasn't one of the grossly disturbing ones at the bottom of the page.  So at first I was completely freaked out but then after reading that felt a little better.

That being said I am so incredibly excited for this next chapter and it's all coming at a perfect time since today is our 5 year anniversary.  I am so blessed to have such an amazing husband who is always there for me and always lifting me up.  Now I can't wait to make a baby!

Victory!!!!

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!-> This doesn't even begin to describe how I actually feel!  My estrogen levels dropped to 3!  So starting tomorrow I begin the fertility pills!  I am so incredibly excited.  They are putting me on a heavy dose and giving me the trigger shot.  I am so excited.  After two years of month after month of disappointment Our God is so good!  I needed this so bad.

I needed this victory so badly.  God you saw my heart and heard my prayers!  Thank you so much for your peace and for helping me to reach this point.

I am so incredibly excited!  I do have to say it will be slightly awkward since we will have family staying with us during our required Sex days but I told Isaac I'm so excited I don't care I will rock the house!  Even if we do not get pregnant this time which I am praying so badly that we will this means it is not the end!  I will be able to get treatment!

So starting tomorrow(cycle day 3) I will take to pills of letrozole/or femara and then I will go in on cycle day 12(Sunday June 29th for another Ultrasound and blood work to see if I'm ready to ovulate and if so I will take the trigger shot, we will time our intercourse for three days then starting after that I will take the progesterone suppositories in order to make sure my Luteal Phase is long enough and that the progesterone and estrogen levels are where they need to be!  I'm so excited!  Come on Twins!!!

Jesus I thank you that you are indeed a God of victories.  I thank you that today is finally the beginning of a new chapter!  You will bring us never ending victory!  I thank you for that Lord!  You are incredible and amazing and I praise your name for your victory!  Help me to continue to shine in the weeks ahead.  To shine with your love, your light and your passion.  I praise you Lord Jesus.  ~Amen

The beginning of the end

So I started my birth control induced period today.  So tomorrow I will find out one way or another where this journey will be heading.  I did talk to the nurse and told her to talk to the Dr and let her know if I am able to get treatment that I definitely want to do the trigger shot and she said she had no problem with that and that if it made me feel more comfortable they would keep it on hand and call it in for me.  So that made me feel better. 

So now its a matter of waiting.  Its out of my hands now and nothing I can do is gonna change it. 

I still feel an overwhelming sense of peace and acceptance.  Whatever God has planned we will know.  I'm just glad to finally get answers.  I just pray that I will have this same feeling tomorrow.

Acceptance without Answers

I'm not sure why, or even how it's possible but I woke up today with a complete sense of acceptance.  I may not know what next week's answers are going to bring.  I know what I believe they are going to bring.  I know what Isaac believes they are going to be.  Then I know what I want them to be.  But none of this matters.  In the end it's in His hands either way.  He is in control of the entire situation. 

If I get good news then I will dance on the streets in joy.  If its bad news where I'm told that my body is not compatible with fertility treatments then I hope to be like David in 2 Samuel 12:

 David pleaded with God for the child. He fasted and spent the nights lying in sackcloth on the ground. The elders of his household stood beside him to get him up from the ground, but he refused, and he would not eat any food with them.

On the seventh day the child died. David’s attendants were afraid to tell him that the child was dead, for they thought, “While the child was still living, he wouldn’t listen to us when we spoke to him. How can we now tell him the child is dead? He may do something desperate.”

David noticed that his attendants were whispering among themselves, and he realized the child was dead. “Is the child dead?” he asked.

“Yes,” they replied, “he is dead.”

Then David got up from the ground. After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the Lord and worshiped. Then he went to his own house, and at his request they served him food, and he ate.

His attendants asked him, “Why are you acting this way? While the child was alive, you fasted and wept, but now that the child is dead, you get up and eat!”

He answered, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, ‘Who knows? The Lord may be gracious to me and let the child live.’ But now that he is dead, why should I go on fasting? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.”

2 Samuel 12:16-23

I will be the victor either way.  If I am not yet able to have a child of my own it just means that God has a much deeper plan for me.  There is a difference though between knowing this, seeing it and then truly loving it.  I want to love it.  If I am told no I want to dust myself off and move on move away from the dream of experiencing the wonder of pregnancy, of starting a family the "normal way" I am reminded of the scripture "Very truly I tell you, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds" John 12:24  This dream it will come into fruition.  I will one day have a child of my own who will rock the very foundations of the world.  He will be perfect in every way possible.  I've been praying that God would close the doors He wants closed and open those He wants open.  I can not very well get angry when He does exactly what I ask.   I can experience the emotions that will come with the different doors but I can not allow it to rule in my life.  Even Jesus begged and sweat blood in anticipation of what was to come.  But in the end He dusted himself off and moved forward.  

I'm so very tired of this journey.  And if the answer is no I have no idea how to move forward.  We know we will move to adopt but how?  How do we even begin with that.  It seems a lot of prayer and contemplation time is in our future.  And a lot of emotional journeys.  I have a friend who asked if there was any news on the starting the family front.  I hadn't been keeping her in all the details because she just doesn't understand the emotions and hardships that come with infertility.  When I had last mentioned a few months ago(after she asked whats new) the steps we were taking to begin fertility treatments she said you know your just thinking about it to much just stop thinking about it it will happen.  I know a lot of you readers who struggle with the same thing when you hear those words it takes every ounce of your self control to just not verbally knock the person out.  They have no idea what this journey entails.  They have no idea that you feel broken and no amount of not thinking about it will fix it.  Well since this converstation I had decided to keep her out of the loop entirely unless she asked specifically about it.  Well when she came over again recently she asked how the fertiltiy stuff was going.  I gave a very simple answer of well we find out at the end of the month if we get treatment if we can't then we will start an adoption process.  She responded: "Devin, your so young.  Why would you start that it will happen when its time.  You just have to stop thinking about it."  Great advice coming from someone who a)doesn't have children b) Has no idea what your dealing with emotionally with this.  I told her look I know we are young but I'm broken this isnt a matter of lets stop thinking about it and things will magically come together.  My body is not doing what it was created to do and is not functioning how it was created to function.  And as to adoption this isn't a punishment.  We have always wanted to adopt and we want a family so we shall start our family with adoption.  

I think a lot of people see adoption as a negative way to start a family.  Though I really don't know how bringing any child into your life would be negative.  Hard and emotional yes but negative?  I have gotten that response from so many people around me that I have lost count.  

That being said my body is broken.  And yet I serve that master healer.  He will heal me eventually.  I just pray its now and not in the future. 

Lord I lay my life down.  I've allowed so often these emotions to dictate my daily lives and I realize now its a daily battle.  A daily struggle to not fight with jealousy, anger, mistrust and hurt.  Lord help me to behave as you would behave.  Help to lay it all down truly at your feet.  I ask this in your holy name Lord.  ~Amen.

Almost out of Limbo

Today I have been incredibly tired.  I feel just drained emotionally and physically.  I just want to be joyful again.  I want to feel His presence radiating out of me.  I have allowed so many of these emotions to dictate my attitude in so much lately and I don't want it to.  I know they say positivity is a choice.  This is so much easier said than done.  I just can't do it on my own.  I see the days counting down to be able to go back to the Dr.  I'm so very ready to be at the end of this limbo.  Even though I don't know where it will lead.  I'm trying to just trust and rest in God's plan knowing that He is indeed in control trying to get everything to

That being said I also have not had any spotting today on the birth control for the first time so that is a plus.   Guess every cloud can have a silver lining. 

A tightly coiled spring

Lately I have felt like a very tightly coiled spring ready to either be sprung like a bullet or break under the pressure.  Its going to be one or the other.  Its not just one thing that's making me feel this way either its the entire situation.   The not being able to be in control.  The wonder of what the answer is going to be.  Then there is the intuition I have that this chapter in this journey is coming to a close.  Isaac pointed out this could be a good thing and be bringing us into a new chapter of joy but I'm not so optimistic.  Not because I don't want to be but because for the past year and 10 months it has been month after month after month of bad news.  And today I am feeling it.  Oh so badly.  I have Pandora playing right now with Our God by Chris Tomlin playing...kind of exactly what I need to hear.

I broke down today at work.  And I know some things in my personal life have something to do with it.  It's been a very rough 24 hours.   Not to mention still the no caffein, sugar and the medication, ect.  I'm just exhausted.  Emotionally physically and spiritually.  I tried to pray and couldn't I just have no energy.  I'm just ready for all this to be over.

On the other side of things I'm on my last week of birth control so I will find out very soon if I will indeed be able to receive the treatment or not.  So either way this chapter is coming to an end.  I will get closure one way or the other.  I just pray it's in the way of being able to be pregnant.  I keep thinking of the joys of carrying a child.  The miracle that you are a part of and how amazing it is!  I want to experience this miracle for myself.

Lord you said not to worry about tomorrow tomorrow has enough troubles on its own.  Well Lord I need help.  Right now I have so much wrong with me, so much I need to look at I just need your help to stay calm and peaceful either way.  Help me Oh Lord.  I want every decision every day to be something that brings glory and honor to you.  I keep giving into my flesh and allow my emotions to take control and I just can't anymore.  God help me to guard my tongue to guard what I say and how I say it.  It is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me.  In your holy Son's name I pray Lord.  ~Amen.   

I remember all too clearly why I HATE Birth Control

So let's put this in perspective for you readers.  For those of you who have been reading all my previous posts you already can see what a lovely and emotional wreck I can be just with the entire journey.  Now lets throw in the thyroid medication....Yeah major mood swings with that, but my body finally started to adjust and I finally started to become my regular super positive happy self.  I have been running, getting into shape and despite how hard this journey has been actually just feeling really good.

So now (says the evil Dr rubbing their hands together*yes I know this is not really the case**) Lets throw in birth control!  OMG!!!!!!  It can just hit me and suddenly I feel like a raging monster hormone wise.  And I spot all the time!!!  Literally every day light bleeding.  But then to top it all off my amazing husband(no that isn't sarcasm) went on a hunt for all natural ways to help lower the estrogen levels in your body.....and he begged me to try this just for these three weeks so we can say and know we tried everything.  **How can I say no to that?**
 So...
1- just the general emotions of struggling with infertility
2- Thyroid Medication
3- Birth control(spotting constantly, feeling bloated, mood swings ect)
4- BODY CLEANSE!-(no caffeine, processed foods, sugars, low carbs, high fiber.  Tons of fruits and veggies 0 desserts)
So I love my coffee-I think that has been the hardest of everything....but throw it all in the pot together stir it up makes for one not so happy camper.

I know it will be worth it.  I told Isaac(my husband) the day that I go in to test the estrogen levels checked immediately following I shall reward myself after with a cup of coffee!

So today marks a week of being on the birth control.  I literally spot and bleed every single day.  I told my Dr about it...I had this problem when I was taking it while trying not to get pregnant(funny concept since now I know I never needed it). They tell me it's ok and just what happens to some women in response to the hormones.  Well I hate it!

Okay so now that my temper tantrum has been thrown.  I'm gonna go ahead take a deep breathe and Thank and believe God that He is the provider of all our needs.  His grace is sufficient for me.  He sees every single thing that comes my way.

Lord I thank you that children are a heritage from you.  You promised us children and I am believing and speaking to my body and saying that it will line up with the word of God that by His stripes I am indeed healed and He will indeed bring me down the path that He has for me.  I believe you are a God of miracles and that you will cause my body to line up to your word.  Perfect hormones in ready and ripe condition to begin treatment.