An end to 2014

Today is just very hard for me.  As much as I have to be grateful for this year I feel like I lost so much.  I will never again be able to pick up the phone and tell my brother I love him.  I have friends who have also lost loved ones and little ones.  I look back at 2014....so glad to leave it behind.  This year has been one full of hardships, stress and aggravation. 

Of course we have had our victories as well, and God has finally brought us into the next chapter, but boy it was so very hard getting here.

I don't know what it is about today that is making it so hard for me emotionally.  I just kind of feel at a loss for words....normally on this day of the year I scream out my blessings and shout from the roof tops how happy I am how how great everything has been.  But this year I don't think I can do that....this year all I want to do is show it my middle finger and say suck on this!

I know His ways are higher than ours.....I know that good will come out of EVERY evil situation that has come about this past year.  Not just in my own life but in my friends and family who are hurting as well. 

God I'm not even sure what to say right now.  My heart just feels so heavy.  Its as if the weight of all the stress of this past year is resting on my shoulders and as I'm about to let it go and step into the next chapter I realize just how draining its been.  Almost like a marathon runner I kept running and running without really realizing just how tired I am. 

I think another thing is this pregnancy is getting me to slow down and really realize that I can not do it all, and that is okay.  But it just isn't me.  I'm so used to keeping everything together: finances, house, groceries, work everything.  Giving 100% everywhere I go but now I just feel so drained and so tired.  And I know I need to listen to my body.  But as I don't feel as accomplished in other areas and I feel like a failure.  I know in part its because I'm a perfectionist but I'm just over it.  I just want to sit down and do nothing all the time.  I guess maybe it's my priorities are changing, I'm really not sure. 

God in this next year I want to run after you ever harder.  I want to seek after you 100%  I want to know before this child even comes how I can raise it the way you would want us to.  Lord I thank you for the blessings you have given us in 2014.  I thank you that my husband and I have grown closer.  We've learned that we truly can accomplish anything together.  I've realized how family must always come first, despite what sacrifices must come with that.  I have loved, I have lost but I am still whole.  I am still complete.  My life has meaning and purpose and I ask for you to help me to focus on those things.  Lord I ask for my friendships to deepen and be founded in you.  I ask that you would help me to look through every situation with your eyes and your understanding.  I ask that you would help me to be the wife, the mother, the daughter, the sister and friend that you would have me to be.  In your righteous name.  ~Amen

I encourage anyone who has dealt with stress or hardships in 2014 to listen to the song below.  Its beautiful!  

 

So Tired

So lately I have just been so tired.  I sleep about 9-10 hours a night but then still feel like I want a nap later during the day.  I have never believed that I was going to be this tired even into the second trimester.  But I do have to say I have been pretty productive.  Every day getting something ready/closer to being ready for the baby.  We ordered our corner office desk for the office so we can move it down into the computer room and tomorrow I plan on emptying one of the closets tomorrow and getting things started.  I can't wait to have that room cleaned out in order to start getting stuff together for the nursery.  I did decide either way we will paint the nursery a very light blue and then use decorations to either go for a girl or boy theme. 

I feel like I'm kind of  rambling so I'm going to go ahead and just stop while I'm ahead. 

14 weeks (A sigh of Relief)

We made it!  We are officially at 14 weeks.  I know technically last week I made it to trimester two but now I feel like it is official.  I feel like now I can let out a big sigh of relief.  We are also getting ideas together for the nursery.  That seems to be coming along really nicely.  I found a whole bunch of Alice and Wonderland themed ideas on Etsy. 

As to me I know you are supposed to get a nice bump of energy in trimester two but I have been so unbelievable tired.  I just want to nap every day.  But today I gave in and took that nap and it was so incredible.  I think I'll probably go ahead and give into that little nap whenever I feel like I can or need to.

I also got my thyroid results in today and it's looking good.  So everything is right where it needs to be.

I can't wait to find out what we are having but until then I'm just trying to enjoy the journey and take things day by day. 

Food Adversions

So this past week has been so strange. Since getting pregnant I haven't had any desire for sweets or some of the things I normally would eat.  Which I was absolutely fine with.  But lately I just can not stand meat.  I am okay with ground beef(tacos, bugers, spaghetti ect;) pretty much anything made with ground beef but nothing else.  I can't stand chicken, eggs or anything.  I try and eat it and just start gagging.  I made delicious chicken marsala the other night it tasted amazing but I couldn't bring myself to eat the chicken in it, though taste wise it tasted fine but the texture just grossed me out.  So I ended up just having the rice and sauce together and it was delicious.  But really strange.  Well it's been like this for the past week slowly building up but also getting worse.  This morning I made eggs for breakfast with some cheese in it started eating and almost through up in my plate as I sat there.  I just couldn't take the taste.  I guess baby is just being really picky.  I don't feel nauseous.  I don't feel sick its just certain foods I try and eat them and NOPE not gonna happen.  It would make me giggle if it didn't leave me hungry every few hours.  I bought a lamb leg roast for Christmas dinner I am going to try and cook and I'm praying I can eat it because it sounds really good.  In fact all the food has sounded really good but I just can't eat it when it's in front of me. 

In other news my family bought their tickets to come up for my baby shower!!!  I'm so excited!  I can't wait to have them here and just love on them so much.  I feel so incredibly blessed things are just moving so fast!  I can't believe I'm already 13.5 weeks.  I remember like it was yesterday looking back at all the hardships and trials and just wondering when I was going to have my turn.  And here we are.  It reminds me of Isaiah 45:2-5

I will go before you

and will level the mountains ;

I will break down gates of bronze

and cut through bars of iron.

I will give you hidden treasures,

riches stored in secret places,

so that you may know that I am the Lord,

the God of Israel, who summons you by name.

For the sake of Jacob my servant,

of Israel my chosen,

I summon you by name

and bestow on you a title of honor,

though you do not acknowledge me.

I am the Lord, and there is no other;

apart from me there is no God.

I will strengthen you

He brought us through all those hardships.  All those mountains.  All those stressful situations and times where we just didn't know if we could handle anything else.  

God thank you for bringing us to this place.  Thank you for your faithfulness and your grace.  Thank you that you have truly blessed us and provided for us.  Thank you that you will continue to open the doors that you want opened for us and close those you want closed.  Thank you Lord Jesus.  ~Amen

Great Deals

I have been trying to be as good a steward over our finances as I can.  Especially with a extra one coming I of course want to make sure we have everything we need but without breaking the bank and God has definitely blessed us.  I have a good friend who sold me her awesome pack and play for $30.

Then I have another friend who added me to the Facebook Market where you can buy and sell things for your kids or post exactly what your looking for.  Well I decided to post on there that we were in search of a dark cherry wood changing table since they run close to $100 I figured why not see if I can find one on here.  Well not only did I find a great one.  I got it for $35 with two mattress pads and three slip covers! 

So excited and so blessed! I have a co-worker who has given me a ton of stuff as well: another changing pad(so I'll be giving mine away)  a few toys and a dish washer cage for baby bottle stuff, a nursing pillow and a few other things.  Then I have a client who if giving me her infant swing that has been barely used. 

So I just feel really really blessed so far this pregnancy.  God has just really given me so much peace and joy despite all the hardships to get here and the hardships at the beginning. 

My friend who is throwing me the baby shower is going above and beyond!  She rented out a beautiful venue, has a TON of fun games/raffles planned and is just all around making me feel like a princess and I love her for it.  I never had anyone do something like this for me.  I didn't have a bridal shower or a bachelorette party just because everyone was out of town so to have someone go all out for me is just amazing.  So I have to say for you readers who have a facebook look and see if they have a market where you can find lots of goodies for your future nursery.   

13 weeks

So This week I am officially entering into the second trimester.  It's so exciting to be here.  Every night after I have been working or moving around I sit on the couch with Isaac and begin to feel the flutter's of life as the little one squirms around in the womb.  At first it was so light I couldn't really tell what I was feeling.  I was thinking maybe it was gas or something like that but over the past week and a half it's only gotten stronger and more noticeable every night.  Some nights the little nugget is a little more active than others and to be honest on those nights where he/she is not as active then I get on my guard and try make sure I'm paying attention so I can feel the movement.  And just like that whenever I am feeling nervous I'll feel it.  Almost like it senses I need to know it's alright in there so it will wiggle around for me. 

I had my 13 week check up today.  It went really well.  I got to hear the heartbeat for the first time.  It was beyond amazing.  I loved it.  She said everything was sounding perfect and it was looking like a happy/healthy little baby.   She wouldn't do another ultrasound and recommended pelvic rest until our anatomy/gender reveal ultrasound at 18 weeks.  So we will continue on this path I guess, though tough it will be worth it.  I lost a little more weight so in total I have only gained one pound which she said is right on track for what she wants.  This entire pregnancy she only wants me to gain 20-25 pounds total.  So I guess if things keep going the way they are then I'll be right on track. 

We scheduled our gender reveal ultrasound/anatomy scan for January 19th.  I am so excited to find out what we are having!  I have no preference still.  And I can't tell if it's because everyone is telling me they think I'm having a girl but I keep picturing a little girl's nursery.  But it could just be because I keep hearing that over and over again.  Either way I will be just so incredibly excited. 

The Midwives are saying I'm 13 weeks and 1 day and that my due date is June 22nd.   I still think it's the 23rd and we are one day off based on my ovulation day.  But at the same time I kind of like being one day ahead just because it puts me to holding my little miracle even sooner.  Even as I'm typing this I feel the little one just fluttering away in my uterus.  It makes me so incredibly happy.

In other news I also found a great find of a used changing table for only $35 and we bought a really nice pack in play from a friend of ours for $30.  So little by little we are getting the things we need.  I only want to get the really big things such as the crib, rocker, changing table and dresser before the baby shower.  I feel like everything else i can just wait till after.

As of the baby shower the plan is May 9th and I have a ton of family/friends both driving and flying in from out of town to visit/come for it so I'm requesting the week off so I can actually spend the week with everyone in town and enjoy the whole time. 

So as always on my weekly updates here is my 13 week update:

Stress Release

Tonight I just needed some quiet time.  Not that I haven't had time alone.  But when I've had time alone I haven't been able to get myself to really relax or enter into the presence of Jesus.  I've had a lot going on at work that is just really frustrating me.  I have so many things to think about with the baby coming.  But then to top it all off I'm just so incredibly tired all the time and baby brain has made it where I can not seem to function.  I can't find things I just located and my mind races constantly.  I needed to just veg.

So I took some candles, ran myself a bubble bath turned off all the lights put on some worship music and just relaxed.   It was beyond amazing.  It's as if I could feel the stress just seeping out of me.  It was so incredible.  As the worship began to play I tried to just take myself into a time of prayer but found I couldn't.  I didn't know how to pray for the things that were bothering me right now.  But then I realized it's okay.  It is not about our words, or even the actual requests we need but just about the heart and the things that God has for us.  And what He has for us every day is to just sit as His feet and feel loved, protected and at peace.  And that is exactly what happened and it was amazing. 

Thank you Jesus for this time of relaxation you have given to me.  I needed it more than I realized.  There is nothing like resting at your feet Lord.  And at your feet is where I want to be always even in the midst of chaos, stress and aggravation I want to allow your peace to rest upon me and help me to react in all ways like you would.  Thank you Heavenly Father.  ~Amen

On the baby front nothing really to new to report.  I lost almost two pounds this past week so now I've only gained 1.2 pounds so far this trimester.  Not really sure how that happened I've been eating three meals a day and forcing myself to snack.  But it might be WHAT I'm eating.  I'm eating a lot healthier and sweets just really don't appeal to me very much.  Either way they say you should only gain 1-5 pounds the first trimester so I guess that's a good thing. 

Today I officially turned 12 weeks.  I can't believe next week I'll finally be in trimester two!  That's just so exciting.  I think I've definitely started to feel little flutters from the baby.  It's very sporadic and still down towards my uterus/pelvic area but it will be like a really light brushing on the inside of my uterus.  It normally happens after I've been walking around at work all day then sit on the couch for the first time in a while to relax then after I sit there for a bit it will start off and on.  It's amazing.  I can't wait till I can feel actual kicks and defined movement. 

Here is a picture I took yesterday.  It looks so pointy here but I love it either way! 

 

Please excuse the mess on my dresser.  

Day by Day

So I really don't have much news to report.  It's been a  few days though since I have written so I thought I should go ahead and just give a slight update though I don't really have much to report.  I've been fighting a cold which is hard to do when you can't really take much for it.  But thankfully with as much rest as I can it has gotten a lot better.

I do have to say though my bump as gotten progressively bigger the past few days.  I am noticeably pregnant and my stomach is starting to get firmer to the touch...so things are definitely moving all around.  I've gained three pounds so far.  I do have to say something  strange has been  taking place I have no desire for sweets and I'm normally such a huge sweets  person.  But  it just doesn't apeal to me what so ever.

I do wish we could get back to life as normal when it comes to sex life.  But at the same time ever since my dream I had of miscarrying after sex I'm scared of the thought of even trying again.  I know that it doesn't really matter now because we can't.  I have my next appointment on December 16th.  I'm going to ask if they will do an ultrasound so that I can see if the hemorrhage is gone.  And then I guess just decide after that. 

Vivid Dreams

Last night I had two vivid dreams back to back.  They were so real and so intense I didn't know what to think when I woke up after each.  I thought it was so real.

The first dream:

Me and all my siblings and my parents traveled back in time to when my brother Nathan first moved in with his friends in Colorado.  We went to try and see if we could talk him into making different life choices that would sway him into a different direction then the suicide that ended his life.  Nothing we said could change his mind.  He believed that even his mistakes where something that we could learn from.  So we decided to stay as long as we could just to get some extra time with him.  He was doing very well.  He was happy and independent.  He cared so much for everyone else.  Us looking at him and knowing that no matter what we said it wasn't going to sway him into another direction with his life.  So we just got as many hugs and kisses as we could over those few days we were there.  I could feel his arms around me.  I could here is voice, his laughter and his goofy way of annoying me.  It was as if I was in the room with him.  As much as it saddens me to remember I am so glad for this dream.  It was exactly as if I was with my brother one last time.  Only this time I got to say goodbye.  I know he is gone physically from this world.  But spiritually he roams the earth looking for new adventures every day.  Worshiping at the feet of Jesus knowing that His grace is sufficient for him.  It was amazing seeing you again last night Nathan.  Please feel free to visit my dreams as often as you like.  I love you!

Second dream(the nightmare):

Isaac and I decided to have a romantic evening that ended catastrophically.  We went to have sex and I immediately started bleeding.  Only this time the baby came out.  It was only the size of a little kidney bean but there it was arms legs little head everything.  I held it in my hand in utter horror not understanding how we could have lost our little one.  All the sudden I started bleeding.  I was bleeding so heavy it was as if someone turned on the bathtub faucet.  The blood was so intense along with the pressure that I started vomiting as well.  I knew we had lost our baby.  It was too late.  Nothing could be done.  I woke up and almost threw up right there in bed.  It took me a second to realize that it was just a dream.  It was so real.  It had looked like a murder scene  blood everywhere, my little baby in my hand, me in utter shock.  Needless to say I'll be praying to never have dreams like that again.

God despite what the world tries to throw at us I know that you are indeed in control of everything.  You proved your faithfulness over and over again.  This wasn't the journey I ever expected for us.  But it's the one your brought us and in bringing that you also brought victory.  You brought Isaac and I closer together.  You proved to us that Your ways really are higher.

Isaiah 55:6-13

Seek the Lord while he may be found;
    call on him while he is near.
⁷ Let the wicked forsake their ways
    and the unrighteous their thoughts.
Let them turn to the Lord, and he will have mercy on them,
    and to our God, for he will freely pardon.

⁸ “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
⁹ “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.
¹⁰ As the rain and the snow
    come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
    without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
    so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
¹¹ so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
    It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
    and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
¹² You will go out in joy
    and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
    will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
    will clap their hands.
¹³ Instead of the thornbush will grow the juniper,
    and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
This will be for the Lord’s renown,
    for an everlasting sign,
    that will endure forever.”

Today I hit 11 weeks.  Two more weeks and we will be in the second trimester.  Oh I am just so ready to be there.  Lately it is as if every fat cell just rearranged itself to my stomach.  Which let's be honest I love.  I love having a baby looking bump even thought I know it isn't baby yet.  I have to admit though the maternity clothes really make it look more bump less fat.

 

I was wondering why I started showing the bump so soon then I thought about it, they told me I have a tilted uterus so I wonder if that makes everything shift a little more thus pushing things outwards.  Either way I'm so okay with it...though now I officially only fit my maternity pants, which I own a whopping one pair.  My goal today is to get my empty plastic clothes bin that is downstairs and fold up all the clothes I currently don't fit into.  No reason to have them taking up space.  Then we are going to go and get me some more maternity pants. 

Only Journaling on the Good Days

This wouldn't be a heart felt and honest journey to motherhood if I only wrote on the good days.  Today was a very rough emotional day for me.  I think it was just all piled up with emotions from Thanksgiving.  Not being with my family and being the first holiday not being able to talk to my brother and wish him a Happy Thanksgiving.  Back home in Louisiana my family got together for dinner and fellowship while I was up here in Pennsylvania without them.  I still had Isaac and my sister in law for which I was very grateful.  I still cooked the traditional Turkey for Thanksgiving dinner with some delicious sides but deep down inside I just feel broken.  I wanted to badly to just pick up the phone and text Nathan and tell him Happy Thanksgiving and ask him what he is doing for the day.  I think this Christmas is going to be really hard.  I would always send him a gift card for a video game or Amazon every year for Christmas and his birthday and with both being around the corner it's going to be incredibly emotional.  Now I know that everything is magnified by 1000% with my pregnancy hormones added to it too but man it is not easy.

At work today everyone was asking each other how their thanksgiving was, they were talking about how amazing it was to be with family, the funny things that took place all the while I listened with a smile but couldn't quite let it reach my heart or my eyes apparantly.  Then people would ask if I was okay...If I didn't answer as satisfactory as they want they would say you just seem tired, or your so quite today ect;  It's as if people forget just 28 days ago I lost one of my best friends and family members and I will not get him back for a very very very long time when God's ready to take me home too.  Part of me wants to talk about it.  The other part of me starts to break the moment I open my mouth.  I sometimes want to run away into distraction, talking about my joys: the baby, Christmas presents I've found for others ect;  I want things to get easier I just am not sure how.

I have realized though like I said in my last entry that family is the most important thing in the world to me.  And I want to be at a place where I can see and be with them whenever I want.  I know God will open that door for us one day.  I just don't know when or exactly how.

So as of today-it was a bad day and draining both physically and emotionally.

I know I have so much to be thankful for but sometimes I just need to feel and let my feelings flow through to the outside as well and today was one of those days.  Thankfully I have off tomorrow so we will go to Church and just rest in the presence of Jesus and just rest in general.  

Happy Thanksgiving!

This past year has been a year full of hardships.  We have gone through so much emotionally, spiritually and physically.  But with all the crazy that has taken place this past year we have so much to be thankful for.  In the past Year Isaac and I had hit 2 years and four months of trying to conceive and we now have our little miracle on the way.  In this incredibly difficult journey we have grown so much closer.  Isaac is my rock, my better half and I'm so thankful to have him in my life. 

  I'm grateful for my family I have realized just how much they mean to me and how much I love them(of course I knew this before but now it shows even more).  God is so faithful.  Despite how hard this holiday season will be with the loss of Nathan I know that I am so thankful for all that God has given to me.  This holiday season won't be the same, but I'm determined to see the beauty in everything.  Thank you Jesus for all you have given to me.  Thank you for your peace and love.  Help my family as we go through this holiday season. 

Happy Thanksgiving Readers!

10 weeks

I am 10 weeks and one day today.  This makes me so incredibly happy and just gives me huge relief.  Though I feel like I'll never feel "out of the woods" so to speak but I just have so much peace and excitement!  I know that God has some great things in store.

Thankfully my morning sickness has lessened a LOT and I'm only feeling nauseous every couple days and when it hits it's not nearly as bad as it was.  I have to say  I feel like I suddenly popped out and way earlier than I would expect.  Thankfully I've only gained 2 pounds from where I started (doesn't make much sense figuring how I am already in maternity pants but hey I'll take it). 

I know it would be really early for this but I swear I think I'm starting to feel the baby move.  Not constantly just every once in a rare second every few days I'll get this little splurt/bubbly/fluttery feeling up against my uterus on the inside.  The first few times it happened I thought it was just gas.  But then each time after that it would always feel exactly the same(where as gas tends to move around and feel a little different and last a little longer than a split second)  It feels kind of like the little jumps/crazy moves the little one was making when we viewed it on the ultrasound.   The best way for me to describe it would be taking three fingers and quickly just tapping them down one after the other in quickness but feeling almost like if your underwater and you blow out air bubbles through a straw and put your hand over it what the air bubbles feel like hitting your hand.  That's why I was thinking it was gas but It will come so fast and just be gone within a blink.  Either way baby or not it makes me smile and reminds me of the most amazing gift that God has blessed us with.

That being said I really do feel so incredibly blessed.  Despite everything I have been through to get here, how hard the actual here has been and currently is I am just beyond blessed.  God is fundamentally amazing beyond my comprehension.  He gives good gifts to his children and I'm so happy to be here.  I have to say that with how long the journey took I definitely think we are enjoying the preparation stage to the fullest possibility.   We aren't stressed about what it's going to cost to have a baby, get the nursery together or even after.....we know that God got us this far He won't bail out now.

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.  James 1:17


God is faithful, who has called you into fellowship with his Son, Jesus Christ our Lord. 1Corinthians 1:9

For those of you readers out there still waiting for your gift.  God has not forgotten you.  God see's your cries and He is faithful to answer them:

Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you entirely; and may your spirit and soul and body be preserved complete, without blame at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. Faithful is He who calls you, and He also will bring it to pass. 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24

Even if it isn't happening in the timing that you want it to.  Just hold on.  I can't tell you the how many times I felt like I was loosing it all.  I just knew I couldn't handle another month.  I was so done.  I was so broken.  But that seems to be where we need to be to be remade.  He remade me.  I found out I was stronger than I ever knew that I was.  He showed me just how strong I could be, though I would never wish this on anyone.  And I pray to God I will never have to go through it again myself, I know that He is faithful and through the darkness He brought a beautiful light.  Its like song lyrics: "Out of the ashes beauty will rise" 

“A broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise” (Psalm 51:17).

No matter where you are with things just be honest with Him.  He already knows He just wants to hear you say it.  

That being said here is a picture of my 10 week  "blotation"  Its a bloat bump not baby  but I'll take it and treasure it either way.  

   

Feeling Better

Last night I got my first good night of sleep since my brother past away 3 weeks ago.  I still woke up in the middle of the night for a few hours but the fact that I got more than 4 hours of sleep was pretty amazing. 

As to the bleeding, thankfully it has stopped that same day(this past Thursday) after 10 minutes and all I had was light spotting for the rest of the evening now things are back to normal with nothing.  I'm hoping/praying that that bleeding was my sch getting smaller- the blood that she saw on the ultrasound was standing blood and she said that if it didn't heal and get absorbed it was going to come out.  So hopefully it's all gone and now can heal up.

Today was also a good day in the realm of morning sickness.  I didn't feel nauseous at all today, which was amazing and made work so easy.  I was also able to eat all day throughout the day without feeling like I was going to throw up after. 

Emotionally I feel so much better than I did the other day.  I know God has his hand on this pregnancy and despite all the hardships and frustrations that are taking place will just make holding our precious baby that much more special.  I know that God isn't letting this baby go anywhere.  

My next appointment is in three weeks and I'll get to hear the heartbeat.  I'm so excited I can't wait to hear that beautiful little beating. 

Things are not however going very well today in the regards to my brother's passing.  Today has been a very tough emotional day where I've started to cry more times than I can count. Just the thought of him makes me so sad.  It's hard for me to look at pictures where before I found it a comfort.  As soon as I see his face, no matter what age I just break down.  I know this wont last but its so very hard.  I miss him so much I don't even have words to describe it. 

Nathan I love you and I miss you.  You were so special and made such an 

impact on so many lives.  We don't know how to continue living a "normal" 

life without you.  I don't know if there is such a thing as normal anyway.  I wish I

had just five more minutes with you.  I would give anything to be able to say I love you one 

time.  But I can't.  But I know you know.  I know you watch us from the stars as you travel the 

universe experiencing and exploring all those things your wondered about and wanted to see.

We love you Nathan, always will.  

Not what I expected

I have to say when we finally got pregnant I pictured a beautiful wholesome completely enjoyable time.  I know that God is in full control of everything that is happening is not out of his hands. 

But when we finally got pregnant I never thought I would keep hitting the 25 % of women get.....
1- 25% of women get implantation bleeding....I had that, really heavy actually.
2-25% of women carry Strep B throughout their life-  Yep got that covered
3-25% of women get Subchorionic Hemorrhages(SCH)-well we know thats there

I had a miniature breakdown yesterday.  The midwife had said they recommend pelvic rest(aka no sex) when you have the SCH's so that you don't bleed because sex can cause more bleeding.  I asked if it was dangerous to the baby to have sex, could make the sch worse or knock anything loose...she said no to all but that you will probably bleed after so they just say not to. 

But going back to how my last appointment was when I was with the midwife this last time she saw the baby and then she showed me the sch and we could see that it was still full of blood and she told me most likely if it doesn't heal I can expect to bleed possibly at different times throughout my pregnancy.  That clots are okay that only time I need to be concerned is if its continues heavy bleeding(filling a pad and hour) and I start passing clots the size of a golf ball. 

So Isaac and I haven't had sex since before we went down to Louisiana for my brother's funeral...so now we are getting close to a month(a little over three weeks)  and though Isaac hasn't said a word I just feel like as a wife I'm not meeting his needs.  So I decided I want to try last night...yeah maybe not even two minutes in I started bleeding and made the whole thing stop.  I bled really heavy for 10 minutes full of clots and craziness.  I know its just the sch and I know the baby is fine but still this just makes me feel so emotional.  How can I not meet my husbands needs.  I feel sick, my morning sickness is getting worse every day and I just feel worn down, I'm only sleeping a few hours every night, I wake up after a few hours wide awake and normally don't fall asleep for quite a while.  He is of course being incredibly supportive and says he doesn't care...and I love him for it. 

After the bleeding had started I just wanted to call the midwives just in case even though I knew what it was and what it is....they told me if I want to come in this morning for another ultrasound to just put my mind at ease they could try and squeeze me in but I decided against it.  I know what it was, its exactly what they told me would happen.  And my poor baby is only 9 weeks and has already had 6 ultrasounds so I feel like I just want to give the poor little thing time to grow without being peeked on for a few weeks.  My next midwife appointment is in 3 weeks and when I go in I'll ask for at least hearing the heartbeat while we are there if not an ultrasound to see how big the sch is.  

Great Midwife Follow up visit

I wanted to do a quick update:
I went to the midwife today for a follow up on my hemorrhage and it was such a good visit.  She decided to do another ultrasound just to see things for herself and to put my mind at ease, well in her words everything looks perfect! And I got to see the baby moving!!! It was kicking up a storm! I have never seen anything so amazing!  I'm already so in love! 

She could see where the hemorrhage was, she said that most likely I'll bleed more, maybe even throughout my pregnancy, since once you have one it can get irritated if it doesn't completely go away.  I asked her if I need to be concerned about anything that I do making it worse: working, sex, ect;  She said the only thing I have to watch is Running or high intensity exercise.  Other than that no not at all.  And I haven't run since after I ovulated so that won't be an issue.  Its good to know that it can't be made worse by anything I do. 

All the wrong things people say

With all the stress that has been taking place with the death of my brother, the hemorrhage I had with the pregnancy and just plain old being pregnant with this I have developed a list of all the things people have said to me that really they shouldn't:

1.  I just worry about you with the baby and all this stress-its been two weeks, as hard and as emotional as it has been it's not getting harder its getting easier.
2.  You gotta try and stay calm for the sake of the baby you have to think about now-Oh really?  I completely forgot I was pregnant.  Thank you for informing me I am not allowed to grieve or feel my feelings since I am already pounded through with extra hormones that make me super emotional either way.  
3. Don't tell stories of your friends who miscarried!  
4.  Don't assume it was an easy journey for the person who is pregnant

The list goes on but here is a story with the next one:

 I go to the endochrinologist today and the nurse who is checking blood preasure getting my info and such says: Oh your pregnant how exciting.  How far along are you?  I told her 9 weeks she said oh thats super early you still have a long way to go.  I told her well it took us fertility treatments to get here so I'm just so excited to be here no matter how early it is.  Oh how long where you trying for?  Almost 2 and a half years and working with the specialist since February.  She said Oh I'm not telling you this to discourage you but a friend of mine did invitro and everything looked good but then once she went in for her 14 week appointment the heart had just stopped beating.  My heart hurt so bad for her.

I just stared at her dumbfounded.....REALLY- your not telling me this to discourage me, you know I just went through fertility treatments to get where I'm at so lets go ahead and tell me how your friend miscarried even after everything looked good.  Really?

Yeah so that is what brought on this post.  I know she really was just trying to make a connection and act like she understood how emotional that can be but that was the wrong way to do it. 

So in about an hour I'll be heading out to go to my midwife appointment.  I'm not sure that it's going to entail much since I haven't had any more bleeding since our last er visit when baby was just growing away. 

I have to say since being home my morning sickness has been worse but I think part of that is the colder weather(its been snowing here the past couple days) and the amount of drainage/allergies I've been having. 

Yesterday was my first day back at work and it was actually really good to be back.  I missed the doing what I love and the distraction will be nice.  I did cry twice though, once when a client asked where I was and if everything was okay because she had appointments scheduled when I was gone and I see that in the future as well with all the clients that had to reschedule. 
Okay I think that is enough ranting for the day. 

Home Again

It feels so good to be home again and getting somewhat back into a routine.  I loved seeing my family but I think getting back to work and focusing on the baby will help me move forward.

That being said thankfully no more bleeding at all since Tuesday just a lot of thick white cervical mucus so I'm taking that as a good sign.  Isaac and I had the day off together today and we will have the day off together tomorrow.  Then we both head back to work on Monday.

How am I doing?  Well honestly that depends on the topic.  We started talking about baby themes for the nursery and love the ideas:  For a boy Calvin and Hobbes theme and I'll paint a mural kind of like this:

Maybe done a little different.  And if it's a girl I think I want to do a Alice in Wonderland theme.  Though Isaac isn't 100% sold yet but he likes the idea it would just depend on execution.  But I'd like to have it with all the strange wonderful creatures that live within.  Haven't found anything picture wise I really like but I'd paint  a mixture of different creatures:

I think at this point I'm at a place where when I talk about this stuff I'm great.  I can almost hold it mostly together.  But I can feel the emotions still waring within me.  Don't think I'm holding it in, I've cried more than I've ever cried in my life.  I don't think I have many more tears to be able to cry.  But I literally feel like a piece of me is missing.  I don't know that that will ever go away honestly.  I think it will get easier.  But I don't know that it will ever disappear, to be honest I don't know that I'd want it too, he means too much to me for it to go away.

I think getting back to work will be really good.  It will be hard don't get me wrong but so good at the same time.  I think I may just go ahead and start letting my clients know that I am expecting since I will be 9 weeks on Monday.  And it will give us something happy to talk about.  

Wow that seems so close to the second trimester....but yet even once I hit that second trimester I don't know that I will ever feel out of the woods.  Isaac and I both know that God has his hand on this little angel and that baby isn't going anywhere.  But until I'm holding that beautiful little angel in my arms I will always have those what ifs popping into my mind, I just won't give them any justification to continue to play around in my mind.  For if God is for me who or what can be against me. 

The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them. Psalm 34:7

He will love you and bless you and increase your numbers. He will bless the fruit of your womb, the crops of your land--your grain, new wine and olive oil--the calves of your herds and the lambs of your flocks in the land he swore to your ancestors to give you.
  Deuteronomy 7:13

 This is what the LORD says-- he who made you, who formed you in the womb, and who will help you: Do not be afraid, Jacob, my servant, Jeshurun, whom I have chosen.
  Isaiah 44:2

My sister bought me the book: Supernatural Childbirth by Jackie Mize and it has a lot of positive confirmations in there along with prayers to profess over yourself every day.  A reminder of His truths of conceiving and giving birth to a healthy strong and whole baby.

Today though the passage that really spoke to me was Psalm 40:

I waited patiently for the Lord;

he turned to me and heard my cry.

2He lifted me out of the slimy pit,

out of the mud and mire;

he set my feet on a rock

and gave me a firm place to stand.

3He put a new song in my mouth,

a hymn of praise to our God.

Many will see and fear the Lord

and put their trust in him.

4Blessed is the one

who trusts in the Lord,

who does not look to the proud,

to those who turn aside to false gods.^b

5Many, Lord my God,

are the wonders you have done,

the things you planned for us.

None can compare with you;

were I to speak and tell of your deeds,

they would be too many to declare.

6Sacrifice and offering you did not desire—

but my ears you have opened^c —

burnt offerings and sin offerings^d you did not require.

7Then I said, “Here I am, I have come—

it is written about me in the scroll.^e

8I desire to do your will, my God;

your law is within my heart.”

9I proclaim your saving acts in the great assembly;

I do not seal my lips, Lord,

as you know.

10I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;

I speak of your faithfulness and your saving help.

I do not conceal your love and your faithfulness

from the great assembly.

11Do not withhold your mercy from me, Lord;

may your love and faithfulness always protect me.

12For troubles without number surround me;

my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.

They are more than the hairs of my head,

and my heart fails within me.

13Be pleased to save me, Lord;

come quickly, Lord, to help me.

14May all who want to take my life

be put to shame and confusion;

may all who desire my ruin

be turned back in disgrace.

15May those who say to me, “Aha! Aha!”

be appalled at their own shame.

16But may all who seek you

rejoice and be glad in you;

may those who long for your saving help always say,

“The Lord is great!”

17But as for me, I am poor and needy;

may the Lord think of me.

You are my help and my deliverer;

you are my God, do not delay.

 

Back to the ER

Yesterday we ended up back in the ER due to me having more bleeding.  Only this time it was even heavier.  It seemed as if someone had turned on a faucet and it began to pour out along with clots(some bigger than a silver dollar).  It was so incredibly scary. 

Thankfully though this visit to the ER was much better than last time.  The Dr actually knew what she was doing.  Immediately took a Beta to see if it was higher than on Sunday(it was) then sent me to ultrasound.  The ultrasound tech had trouble getting some pictures she needed.  But in the end:long story made short mainly because I don't really want to relive the nightmare.  Everything ended up working out.  Baby is just as strong, maybe even stronger, as last time with a heart beat now of 169 beats per minute.  They said everything looks the same.

I asked then what is this?  Should I wait to come in next time, I don't even have this many clots on my period.  The nurse who I asked this question said that she works at two different hospitals and she had a young girl who had the same thing happen to her.  That she ended up coming in and out of the er for a few weeks. 

I talked to someone else who had this same thing and they said they also bled like crazy didn't for a day bled like crazy then didn't for a day then had a third day of heavy bleeding then didn't for a day.  So I guess what I'll do next time is wait an hour and see what happens.  If the bleeding continues then I will decide where I should go from there if it stops I'll call my midwives let them know and then decide on a course of action.

With everything going on in our lives right now this little baby is our source of joy.  But even this has started to become something that would be so easy to panic on.  I have peace.  Even when sitting in the ER yesterday I had peace knowing that God is in control.  But man was this scary.  I don't understand how I could be bleeding that much and have nothing be different.  But they said if the blood doesn't get absorbed back into the body then the body will flush it out.  Oh I so hope its done with its flushing. 

Today is going to be a day of fun but also taking it easy.  We are going to go on a Louisiana swamp tour with my Dad to feed alligators and let Isaac get a good look at the Louisiana swamps.  So I'll be sitting most of the day sitting and resting. 

Nightmare at the ER

I woke up at 6 am to take my progesterone only to discover heavy bleeding with some clots.  So my husband and I rushed to the ER.

What a HORRIBLE experience. 
So here is how things went down the Dr came in talked with me about what the problem was I told her...but as soon as I said fertility treatments to get pregnant she freaked out: Well this could be ectopic and if it is I wouldn't know what to do because I don't deal with this stuff...blah blah blah(yes this is the er dr) 
So then they come in to get labs...they are calling me by the wrong name..So then we have to wait for them to redo all our paperwork/bloodwork ect;   We were the only ones in the er when I got there how could you make that mistake(they had my middle name as my name)
So they give me an iv to pump up my bladder so I can do a ultrasound and a urine analysis.  Well I get down to the ultrasound tech and ask her what she sees: I'm not allowed to say anything.  You can't tell me anything?  Well there is a flutter so the heart is beating.  Okay can you tell me how fast its beating? I haven't gotten that far.  Then silence for about 15 min.  I start to tear up.....I'm so nervous she isn't telling me anything.  So then she tells me the heartbeat is 162 bpm fetus is measuring 7 weeks 4 days.  But she can't tell me anything else.
So then I get back to my room the Dr comes in and wants to do a vaginal exam she tells me to lay back she puts a bedpan under my let then proceeds to clamp the speculum DIRECTLY onto my cervix and says I can't find your cervix.  I cried out in pain as she pinched me again!...yes it hurt so bad!  So then she says okay lets scoot the bedpan back see if that works better.  I said.  How about you have me scoot to the edge of the bed and try it that way instead.   She said okay yeah lets try that.  Really?!!  So it worked she saw bleeding and some tissue well no duh when she pinched my cervix I had stopped bleeding their was blood on the speculum when she pulled it back out she literally had to have done something in there. 
So then after that she says okay I'll be back in just a few minutes I'm going to go look at your ultrasounds.  An hour and a half later(at least) she finally walks back in.  Says everything is closed in my uterus, my cervix is closed.  She doesn't know what the bleeding is from. 
So I got a script for the uti went to cvs was talking to my Mom on the phone and the pharmacist heard our conversation I hang up go to get my meds he says your not pregnant are you?  Yes I am.  You can't take this medication while pregnant.  What do you mean I was just in the hospital they gave this to me while I was there.  Oh well let me look it up....Okay yeah you can take it only when your 38-42 weeks you can't take it cause it effects fetus'.  What do you mean?  I have a fetus!  So I decided to call my midwife on call and tell them everything and while I  was waiting for her to call me back I read through the ultrasound report and I read the report(I made them print me all the reports so I can fax them to my midwife in PA)  it says I have a subchorionic hemorrhage....well um that would cause bleeding.  Why did the Dr not say that!!!   It's small thankfully 1.9x1.4 cm against the gestational sac.    So the midwife called back and said they are pretty common.  She wasn't going to lie If they get too big they can cause misscarriages but since mine is so small and my bleeding has already stopped I shouldn't be concerned.  I'll go back in to them next week and have another ultrasound done in order to see if it grew and go forward from there. Also the UTI medication is safe...but, apparently and I didn't know this I was supposed to use some kind of alcoholic wipe to wipe before I peed into the cup and I didn't they just handed me a pack said here pee in this so I opened it and peed...I'm wondering if I don't really have a uti...either way I'm going to take the medication because it is safe for the fetus and says it can be used to prevent uti's also.  

So after 6 hours with the ER dr and nurses a 15 minute conversation with the midwife gave me more info than I thought possible

Saying Goodbye

Today was a very emotional day.  I was supposed to say goodbye to my little brother.  I don't really have a lot of words to say except that I wasn't ready to let him go.  I know he is in a better place...but it still hurts so much.

Here is the video we shared at the memorial service:

Life will never be the same.  But I will do everything in my power to honor everything he asked of us:

Things I should remember and never forget:

1. 1.Love, Laugh & Learn
2. 2.People are the only things that really matter in this world.
3. 3.The more you learn, the more you teach.
4. 4.The more you give, the more you are given.
5. 5.The more you love, the more you will be loved.
6. 6.Souls are real.
7. 7.Healthy mind, healthy body, and healthy heart.
8. 8.Cherish every moment, the good and the bad.
9. 9.Everything happens for a reason.
10. 10.I was put on this Earth to help people.

Nathan Kenneth Browne

January 13, 2014

This page contains instructions on what to do upon my death upon my death. To any reader of this, please make sure these are done.

I want to cremated and have my ashes spread at these places:

Mount Fuji

Mount Mckinely

The Smokies

Mount Everest

Leave no ashes to mourn for and upon my death rejoice for me. In death I am forever at peace. So remember me, but do not cry for me. Hopefully by the time I die, I would have lived a meaningful life that can be an example for others to follow. And to my loved ones and everyone else; continue living your lives and make you decisions based on whatever your heart tells you.

Nathan Kenneth Browne

April 10, 2011

"I love you, Whoever you are reading this, love your life. It's worth it. Keep trying to believe in yourself. If others attack you, it's because you have something they don't have. Don't let them take it from you with their pettiness, their scowl & negative intent because you never know what it is to walk in the eyes of another. Keep your eyes open and who knows what you'll discover, the treasures you'll uncover."

~~Nathan Kenneth Browne~~  His last journal entry

Our little blob is getting bigger

I had my extra ultrasound today and everything is looking really good.  The heartbeat is now at 132 beats per minute and there were no cysts, like they thought.  Everything looks great.  So I have been released from the Fertility specialist to the midwives.  So exciting!

I also had my first appointment with the midwives today and that was really homey feeling and exactly what I was looking for.  The gave me a lot of information to go over from medications that can be taken to birth plans.  I really liked the way everything worked together.  

I have to say before we got pregnant I knew we would have a boy for the first child.  But now that I'm pregnant I feel that shifting.  I don't know what we are having.  If it's a girl that's so promising because it means we will have another one, but if its a boy then I already got what God promised me so many years ago.  So either way I am so excited and thrilled. 

Tomorrow we fly down to Louisiana for my brother's memorial service.  I'm ready.  Today I've been okay I think because of the fact I has so much to do and focus on with the baby, getting things together to leave, ect;

It will be so much better when I'm with my family.  I will try to enjoy every minute of it, despite the circumstances because I know that is what my brother would have wanted.  I miss him so much and know one day I will see him again.

Flying Home

Thursday I will be flying home to be with my family for a week.  During this time we will have a memorial service to honor how much we love Nathan.  This has been incredibly emotionally exhausting.   Just when I feel like I'm going to be okay suddenly I burst into tears.  I can't believe I will never hear his voice again.  I will never be able to tell him how much I love him. 

My parents have been in Colorado collecting his things, speaking to the coroner, ect;  They should be heading back to Louisiana soon.  They found a letter Nathan wrote back in 2011 that I want to share:

Even thinking of death he thought of others.  He thought of the pain it might cause and how he wanted no one to be sad for him being gone.  I don't think that's possible though.  When you love someone that much I don't know if it's possible to not feel hurt and pain. 

He will always be in our hearts.  Always

So much Grief

My heart feels broken into a million different pieces.  I got the news yesterday that my youngest brother who I am very closed to committed suicide.  We had just talked via text earlier that day. I had sent him a picture of the ultrasound and told him we got to hear the heartbeat.  He said that's amazing Devin!  I'm so happy for you.  I said thank you and his last text to me was: Its nothing Devin.  I love you so much I'm so happy God chose you to be my sister, thank you. 

But we had been getting other group texts from the siblings with his responses through the day too.  Since it was Halloween people were going to parties he was laughing at some of the costume ideas.  It just doesn't make any sense.  There is an investigation taking place to see if it is possible it was foul play.  Especially from the way he was found.  None of it makes any sense.  If it was suicide the only thing I can think of is maybe he took some kind of drug and started hallucinating and tripped out or something.  Anything to make this make sense. 

Part of me prays that he was on something because this just wasn't my brother.  Not the way they found him.  He had struggled with depression and suicidal tendencies in the past.  But this..... never anything this brutal or violent. 

I just do not even have words.  I can't stop myself from crying and aching and hurting all over.  All I want to do is go back two days ago when he was alive and happy and well. 

I don't think I'll ever understand.  But from you readers I'm asking for prayers: prayers of strength for me and my child.  Prayers for my family as we grieve the loss of one we loved so dearly. 

6 weeks 4 days

We went in today for our second ultrasound in order to see the heartbeat.  It was absolutely beautiful!  It's beating at 123 beats per minute.  They did see a shadow on the ultrasound that they couldn't tell what it was.  So we then left the hospital and just 20 minutes later I received a voice mail saying they needed to have me come back in for another ultrasound.  She said that they don't know what they are seeing so I need to come back in for another ultrasound.  So of course since this was just via voice mail my mind immediately was going to worse case scenario.  So I called and asked them to call me back.  So when they did they were able to explain more in detail and put my mind at ease.

She said they weren't sure what it was.  That it could be nothing but there was a shadow that could be a cyst or structure on the sac but they didn't know what it is so they want me to come back in on Wednesday for another ultrasound on a high tech machine in order to see if its really there and if so what it is.  I asked her if I need to be concerned about loosing my baby at all.  She said not at all.  That if they thought there was any danger in me loosing my child they would send me to the ER and immediately have it looked at.  She said it could end up being nothing.  But that at the ultrasound everything looked really good and that the ultrasound tech just mentioned that she wasn't concerned but that maybe we should get a better picture on a better machine just to be on the safe side.  AKA maybe to cover their bases.  But oh man that was so incredibly stressful.  But now after talking to the nurse in detail about it I feel so much better.

 

So now I'm just trusting God and praying and believing that when I go back in on Wednesday it will be nothing.  That everything will be perfect and exactly what it should be with everything in place. 

6 weeks today

Lately I have just been feeling so at peace with everything.  We had a pipe burst from the bathroom that caused water damage to come into the kitchen.  As frustrated as I was at the time I'm so at peace.  Then today at work I locked my keys in the car.  I just had to laugh about it as they were sitting there in the front seat just mocking me like "Hey look what you did!".   It's like every little thing that comes against me is just so miniscule in the big realm of things.  I'm going to have a baby!  It's as if nothing can get me down.  I am just so excited!

We go in on Friday to for our next ultrasound to see the heartbeat.  I am so ready!  It's going to be so exciting.  We plan on telling Isaac's parents over the weekend after we see it.  We haven't decided exactly how yet.  Isaac's Dad is on a missions trip in Jamaica right now and he will be flying back home on Saturday and his birthday is on Sunday so we are thinking about driving down(a 4 hour drive) to surprise them for his birthday the only thing is I work Saturday till 5 and we both work Monday so it's quite a long visit for such a short amount of time.  But I know it would be worth it.  So we shall see. 

God is so good and I feel so incredibly blessed.  As to how I feel for pregnancy things now: I feel pretty good.  Morning sickness hits off an on thankfully nothing very bad.  If I eat it seems to go away.   Of course I've had very tender breasts-the tell tail sign supposedly.  I've also been getting a decent amount of round ligament pain...not fun but it still makes me smile cause it reminds me there is another life forming and living on the inside.

I'll post more on Friday after we see the heartbeat. 

5 week 2 day ultrasound

Today as I went in with Isaac to the fertility specialist it was such a different visit than I normally feel walking into that office.  In the past it was full of dread, anticipation and sadness.  Today's was just straight joy and excitement; mixed with the tiniest bit of nervousness.  That seemed to go away though as soon as we got there. 

Everything was beautiful!  And baby is growing right on schedule.  She said as of now it only looks like 1 but she can not say with absolute certainty so we will be able to tell for sure at our appointment next week(on Halloween) when we go in for the next and hopefully last ultrasound with the fertility specialist.  Because if everything is good I'll be released to a regular Dr.  I also already set up my first prenatal appointment.  I decided to go with a nursing midwife instead of straight obgyn.  I like the homey feel they give and how involved they let you be in what is going on in your pregnancy.  Along with some other things that helped me make my decision.  So on November 5th I'll have my first appointment with them.

So below are the pictures of our first ultrasound.  Our beautiful baby bean.  So exciting!

Today we also had our third beta done as well which turned out excellent.  My numbers doubled again and today's beta was: 7016.  I have to say though a case of the pregnancy brain had hit already.  I heard the number and immediately questioned if that's actually a good number since the beta didn't double.  Then someone did the math and said it did double, it more than doubled I was at 3306 last time.  Yeah, its already happening.  Dun Dun Duh.......

I also decided to get my first ever flue shot.  With working with the public I really don't want to run the risk of getting sick.