How can you not smile at seeing that face. He is getting just so very big and every day is doing something new. He doesn't really seem like he wants to crawl. He'll be on his tummy for a few minutes then roll right onto his back and be playing with his feet. He's gotten to a point where he doesn't really babble but just grunts and yells out a high pitch noise of excitement. But it's funny to hear his different grunts that have meanings.
Things with me on the fertility front still seem to be out in the wild yonder. I am still trying the Essential Oils and am definitely seeing a difference when it comes to how heavy I'm bleeding and my period but didn't help me to ovulate any sooner. But I'm going to try it for another month then switch to a fertility blend if nothing changes.
So that's it on the physical front so now time to dig a little deeper. I feel like most of my post have been very surface and just letting you know what is going on but I think in part its because I haven't wanted to feel the bad or acknowledge it at all. What am I talking about? I'm talking about my hurting family:
My Brother has been dating a wonderful woman for the past two years. Together he has raised her kids and they just had one together in Ocotber. But on December 24th, Christmas Eve, they lost their 20 month old to health problems. Baby Mike was such a fighter and the Dr's didn't think he would live past 3 months but he did. He would laugh and smile all in my brother's arms. He was their light and he is now an angel in heaven. I was talking with my brother's Fiance today and obviously she is having a rough time. She is not only dealing with post partum hormones from just having her baby 8ish weeks ago but also now the loss of her other baby, now the stress of having to pay for the funeral, not working(she had quit her job in order to spend as much time with him as possible in his short life). And just all in all I wished I could have reached through the phone and given her a huge hug. It saddened my heart. So I'm just going to put this out there. They need $1000 by January 26th in order to pay the rest of the funeral home bill and we are reaching out for help:
Help With Funeral Costs
As for me emotionally I feel I'm in a really good place. I am happy I'm not pregnant again. Which I never thought I would say. And with that comes a whole huge slue of emotions: guilt mostly. I feel guilty that I am relieved I'm not pregnant. I feel scared at the thought of ruining our "perfect family". Feel guilty again for even thinking of it that way. But every day that goes by I just have so much fun with my little man and I am just taking it all in and soaking him up. It's hard for me to imagine enjoying it as much if I were pregnant again. I know when he gets a little older I will want another baby so bad yet at the same time I feel more and more each day that he is enough. I don't know if that is God trying to work his will into my mind or if maybe it is just my own gratefulness and overwhelming love for this little human that has come to join our world. I can't help but remember that feeling I had that it would take a long time for me to get pregnant like Abraham and Sarah but that then our promise would come, but that it might be one child of our own and a lot through adoption. Would I want to get pregnant? Yes absolutely yet there is this little part of me that was relieved when I got my period this month. Frustrated yes because my body is still hay wire and I didn't even have the option to get pregnant. But yet relieved. It makes me think of this scenario: Imagine going into a restaurant. You get the same thing every time you go there because you love it so much. But imagine if you went and they handed you a menu with only the one item on there. You would be frustrated, annoyed and never want to go back there. Yet, even if you had the full menu you would be happy with what you always order. I know that seems a little weird comparison but the point remains. I am happy with our life now. I love having our son, I love that Isaac and I are finally able to spend some time together since we got him on a better schedule and we can stay up a little later(like 11pm lol). But yet I'm annoyed that if we decided to get pregnant it wouldn't be happening. So in a way I'm grateful for this time to try and get myself back together in the way I should be. I guess I should be focusing on the good things about this situation. Maybe now when my heart is ready to be pregnant again and to add another little one to the family then my body will be in line and if it isn't then we have our answer on what we have to do: either fertility treatments or adoption.
So that my friends is where I am at. I know it's a lot. But it's not all sunshine and roses. But either way my heart rejoices and sings praise. For I am blessed.
~Amen
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